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Episode 304: Gilda Radner/transcript

< Episode 304: Gilda Radner

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Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and opens it.
Scooter Gilda Radner! Gilda Radner! Thirty seconds to curtain, Miss Radner.
Gilda (as Emily Litella) Well, Scooter, what's all this fuss I keep hearing about me doing The Muffin Show? I mean, what kind of a show is it about muffins? Why, the next thing you know, they have me do a show with rye bread, or little, tiny lovely biscuits. Why, I can't do a show like that, it's outrageous! I can't bel —
Scooter Uh, excuse me, ma'am?
Gilda What?
Scooter It's not The Muffin Show. It's The Muppet Show.
Gilda Ooh... Well, that's very different. (smiles) Never mind.
304 cold open

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Gilda Radner! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
304 butterfly
Gonzo I always get butterflies before a show.
Butterfly Not this time. (whacks him with a club)
304 horn
Red smoke comes out of Gonzo's horn; Gonzo hiccups a second red cloud.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, tonight, we have with us one of America's brightest young comediennes, miss Gilda Radner! But first, let us take a moment to consider the folk music of the North American Eskimo. Here is a traditional lullaby from beyond the Antarctic Circle... or somewhere.
304 lullaby
Eskimo pigs sing "Lullaby of Broadway." They are joined by a walrus, a penguin, a bear, and a chicken. Before the big finish, a miner emerges.
Miner Hey, Norton, I don't think this is 42nd Street.
And cue the big finish.
Statler Weird. Why did they want the igloo?
Waldorf What?
Statler Why did they want the igloo?
Waldorf Well, maybe someone broke their ig.
They chuckle.

Backstage

The penguin, walrus, chickens and pigs walk by.
Kermit Okay, okay. (aside) Do Eskimos have chickens? Good number, but move it, move it, move it!
Pig I can't. I've got a broken ig. (guffaws)
Gilda emerges from her dressing room, in a pinafore and hat. She makes her way towards Kermit.
Kermit Ah... It's Gilda Radner! (applause)
Gilda Hi, Kermit.
Kermit Hi there.
Gilda Listen, I want to really thank you for letting me do the operetta number. I love operetta, and no one's ever given me a chance to do one before.
Kermit Oh, well, you're welcome.
Gilda Have you got my parrot?
Kermit Your what?
Gilda My parrot. My seven-foot-tall talking parrot.
Kermit A … a seven-foot-tall talking parrot?
Gilda Right. I wrote you in the letter.
Kermit Well, well, I got your letter, but I couldn't quite read your handwriting. A parrot?
Gilda Well, what'd you think I asked for?
Kermit Well I… I wasn't really sure. I thought it was a... (sheepishly) Never mind.
A seven-foot-tall taking carrot emerges from another room and comes downstairs.
Carrot Must I share my dressing room with the other vegetables?
Gilda A seven foot tall talking carrot?
Carrot Watch it, lady, I'm a star. I sang the hit song from Cole.
Kermit Cole? Cole Porter?
Gilda Cole Slaw. They paid him a huge celery. (chuckles)
304 carrot
Carrot Now she's stealing my jokes.
Gilda Well, I have to do something. I don't have an opening number now.
Kermit Why not?
Gilda Well, I was going to do selections from The Parrots of Penzance.
Kermit The Parrots of Penzance?
Gilda Yeah, well it's better than The Carrots of Penzance. Come on, vitamin brains.
She leads the carrot to the stage. Fozzie passes by, bewildered.
Fozzie Ker... Ker... Ker... Kermit! Gilda Radner and a seven-foot-tall talking carrot?
Kermit (nods) Well, I introduce 'em. I don't explain 'em. (walks on-stage)

Gilda's Medley

Kermit Uh... few performers are brave or foolhardy enough to tackle the blinding complexity of the following musical number. But here she is, tempting fate, Miss Gilda Radner.
Open on a ballroom setting. Gilda stands at the top, making her way downstairs as she sings.
Gilda

I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
I've information, vegetable, animal and mineral.
I know the kings of England and I quote the fights hysteric,
From Marathon to... [hums]

Enter the carrot.
Carrot Hold it. Hold it. Maestro, please. (the music stops) You blew it, my child. (aside) Never send a girl in to do a carrot's work.
Gilda (walks up to him angrily) Ooh, if I knew a 12-foot rabbit, you'd really be in trouble.
Carrot Why don't we try an easy one, hmm? Maestro, please.
A slower tempo plays.
Carrot When a carrot's not engaged in his employment…
Gilda His employment…
Carrot Or maturing his felonious little plans…
Gilda Little plans…
Carrot His capacity for innocent enjoyment…
Gilda ...cent enjoyment…
Carrot Is just as great as any honest man.
Gilda

Honest man.
Our feelings we with difficulty smother...

Carrot ...culty smother …
Gilda When our vegetary duty's to be done.
Carrot To be done.
Gilda I'll take one consideration with another.
Carrot With another.
Gilda & Carrot A carrot's lot is not a happy one.
Singing vegetables (harmonizing)
The music stops.
Gilda Wait a minute. Who are these guys?
Carrot They're my back-up group. They travel with me everywhere.
Gilda What have you got? A chauffeur-driven shopping cart? (grins)
Carrot Why don't you just stand back and let me show you how it's done.
The music of "Modern Major General" resumes.
Carrot

I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
I've information, vegetation, animable— Oh... (the music stops)

Gilda Hold it, hold it. See, you didn't make it either.
Carrot Maybe I didn't want to make it.
Gilda (mocks what he just said)
Carrot Why don't you sing, Gilda?
Soft music plays.
Gilda

Poor wand'ring one,
Though thou hast surely strayed…

Carrot Take heart of grace, thy steps, retrace.
Gilda & Carrot Poor wand'ring one.
Carrot

Poor wand'ring one,
If such poor love as mine …

Gilda

Can help me find true peace of mind…
Why, take it, it is...

Gilda & Carrot [vocalizing] … It is thine!
The music picks up tempo.
Carrot Here we go!
304 modern major general
Gilda I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
Carrot I've information, vegetable animal and mineral.
Gilda I know the kings of England...
Carrot And I quote the fights historical...
Gilda & Carrot From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical.
Gilda In military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury…
Carrot Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century.
Gilda But still in matters vegetable…
Carrot Animal and mineral…
Gilda & Carrot I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
Gilda, Carrot & singing vegetables

But still in matters vegetable animal and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

Applause. The carrot accidentally knocks Gilda to the ground while they bow.
Statler You know, usually operetta music puts me right to sleep. (notices Waldorf dozing off) You too, huh? Heh heh.

Melodrama

Kermit Uh... Ladies and gentlemen, a Muppet melodrama.
304 melodrama 1
The curtain opens on a scene of Piggy hanging on the edge of a cliff, as Uncle Deadly watches and cackles. Suspenseful piano music plays.
Miss Piggy Help! Oh...
Uncle Deadly And now, for the last time, my little peach pie, will you marry me?
The audience boos and hisses.
Miss Piggy Drop dead!
Uncle Deadly I think that might be my line, my dear. (laughs)
Miss Piggy Oh, where, oh, where is my hero? (a beat) I said... Where, oh, where is my hero?
Wayne Here I am, my precious. (the audience cheers as he poses)
304 melodrama 2
Wayne Sorry I was late. I had to change the bus across town, and the traffic was terrible.
Miss Piggy Never mind, just get me out of here.
Wayne (looks down) Say! I know those boots!
Uncle Deadly Huh?
Wayne Weren't you a flamenco dancer in Kansas City?
Uncle Deadly Why, yes. I was.
Wayne Harry's Boom Boom Room?
Uncle Deadly You've caught my act?
Wayne Huh. I never could figure out how you did that "passe double" thing, though.
Miss Piggy Paso doble.
Uncle Deadly Oh, quite simple, my boy, quite simple. Music, maestro, please.
Miss Piggy Music?
Uncle Deadly displays his fancy footwork as flamenco music plays.
Miss Piggy What? Hey, hey! Cool it up there!
Uncle Deadly Now, you come to the Passionato del Thunderdoor, you give an extra little flourish! — (holds out his arm) Ha HA!
Miss Piggy Hey! … Watch it!
Wayne Ha HA! You mean, like this?
Wayne tries to do the dance himself.
Miss Piggy Whoo-hoo! Ee, ah, hold it! Easy! Down, boy. Ho! Hey! Cool it!
Wayne Ha HA!
Uncle Deadly Almost, almost. No, more like... ha HA!
Wayne Ah, aha!
They both dance, moving their feet closer and closer to Piggy's hands.
Miss Piggy Hey! Hey! Hey Deadly … Hey, wait, hey …
Uncle Deadly Olé!
Wayne Olé!
Wayne steps on Piggy's hands, causing her to lose her grip and fall off the cliff screaming. Wayne and Deadly exclaim and congratulate each other.
Miss Piggy I suppose you think that's funny!
Uncle Deadly I think you might well start with a new pair of boots.
They both depart the scene.

Backstage

Marvin Suggs directs the little fuzzballs towards the stage.
Marvin Suggs All right, Muppaphones, move it, move it, move it, move it!!
Wayne and Deadly pass by, still dancing.
Wayne How am I doing? Any better?
Uncle Deadly Yes. Yes, you're getting it, you're getting it.
304 wayne and deadly get it
Miss Piggy Yeah? Well, you're both gonna get it! Hi-YAH! Hi-YAH!
She karate-chops Deadly, kicks Wayne, and struts off.

Marvin Suggs

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Uh, ladies and gentlemen, it is time, once again, for a return engagement of the incomparable Marvin Suggs. Uh, I say "incomparable" because I can't imagine anything to compare him to. Ahem. Anyway, here he is with his Muppaphone, Marvin Suggs!
The curtain opens as a fanfare plays.
Marvin Suggs Gracias, gracias, gracias. Thank you, s'ank you, and s'ank you! Hal-LO! Yes-ah, I am-ah zee beloved-ah Marvin-ah Suggs-ah! And-a zeze-ah are my Muppaphones-ah… (the little fuzzballs take their positions) Move it, move it, move it!
Muppaphones (sotto voices) He's so strict, he's always so …
Marvin Suggs Silencio! … And n— …
He notices the pattern - orange, pink, orange, orange, pink.
Marvin Suggs Virginia, ah-Stan... exchange-ah.
He whacks them and they switch places. Another pink ball runs up.
Pink ball Sorry I'm late, I couldn't get a parking space.
Marvin Suggs Who cares?! (whacks the ball) Thank you, thank you! And-ah now-ah, we will-ah play-ah and-ah sing-ah for you… zee beloved old-ah ballad, "Witch Doctor."
Muppaphones (chattering) Oh, but I just had my hair done.
Marvin Suggs Shut UP!!! (they all hush) Sankyou! Maestro!
The orchestra plays.
Marvin Suggs

I told the witch doctor I was in love with you.
I told the witch doctor I was in love with you.
And then the witch doctor he told me what to do,
Ee say, say—

The little fuzzballs yelp as they get whacked.
Muppaphones

Ooh! Ee! Ooh! Ah-Ah! Ting! Tang! Walla walla! Bing! Bang!
Ooh! Ee! Ooh! Ah-Ah! Ting! Tang! Walla walla! Bing! Bang!

Marvin Suggs S'ank you! S'ank you! Second-ah verse-ah!

My friend, the witch doctor, he taught me what to say.
My friend, the witch doctor, he taught me what to do.
I know that you'll be mine when I say this to you,
When I say—

Muppaphones

Ooh! Ee! Ooh! Ah-Ah! Ting! Tang! Walla walla! Bing! Bang!
Ooh! Ee! Ooh! Ah-Ah! Ting! Tang! Walla walla! Bing! Bang!

Marvin Suggs Modulate!
Muppaphones

Ooh! Ee! Ooh! Ah-Ah! Ting! Tang! Walla walla! Bing! Bang!
Ooh! Ee! Ooh! Ah-Ah! Ting! Tang! Walla walla! Bing! Bang!

Marvin Suggs I told the witch doctor…
BOOM! The witch doctor appears with an explosion, and the orchestra dwindles.
Witch doctor I told you never to tell anyone! Hoonga matoobi, hui, hui, hui!!
Song.witchdoctor
In a puff of smoke, Marvin's head turns into a pink fuzzball. The Muppaphones and the witch doctor laugh.

UK spot

TheBirdonNelliesHat
Female pig

Every Saturday, Willie got his pay,
Then he'd call on Nell.
Trousers neatly pressed, and nice, white vest.
Button holed bouquet, as well.
On Nellie's little hat, there was a little bird.,
That little bird knew quite a lot.

Miss Piggy It did, upon my word.
Female pig

And in its quiet way, it had a lot to say,
As the lovers strolled along.

Miss Piggy I'll be your little honey, I can promise that.
Female pig Said Nellie as she rolled her dreamy eyes.
Bird It's a shame to take the money…
Female pig Said the bird on Nellie's hat.
Bird Last night she said the same to Jimmy Wise.
Female pig Then to Nellie, Willy whispered as they fondly kissed...
Willie I bet that you were never kissed like that! Heh heh ...
Bird Well, you don't know Nellie like I do!
Female pig Said the saucy little bird on Nellie's hat.
Willie Oh, it's twelve o'clock…
Female pig Said Willie, as he took her home.
Willie Now, I bet you're never out as late as that. Hmm?
Bird Well, you don't know Nellie like I do!
Female pig

Said the saucy little bird on Nellie's hat.
Autumn came along. Love's young dream gone wrong.
Will went 'round to call.
Servant with a grin said...

Dr. Julius Strangepork She's not in. Nellie's gone away. That's all.
Female pig

Poor Willie's heart was broke. His life seemed all in vain,
Until upon 5th Avenue he met his Nell again.
Said he:

Willie We meet once more!
Female pig Said she:
Miss Piggy

Love's dream is o'er,
But we can still be real good friends.
And I'll keep your presents, honey, just for old times sake.

Female pig Said Nellie as she rolled her dreamy eyes.
Bird She's fixed him good and plenty!
Female pig Said the bird on Nellie's hat.
Bird Oh, really, Willie, when will you be wise?
Willie

Yes, but how about the diamond engagement ring?
Of course,

Female pig Said Willie,
Willie You'll return me that!
Bird Oh, brother…
All Said the saucy little bird on Nellie's hat!

Muppet Labs

Bunsen examines a glue tube, then notices he's on camera.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh. Ahem. Uh, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made, today. And here with me, is the lovely Miss Gilda Radner.
Gilda Thank you, Dr. Honeydew.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Today we have an amazing demonstration. And Gilda here has graciously volunteered to be our human guinea pig.
Gilda I have?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Good. That's settled then. Ahem. Oh! I shall need you, too, Beaker. Come on in here.
Beaker enters, meeping.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Now we're ready to begin.
Gilda Uh, listen, Dr. Honeydew, you said "assistant". I never heard you say the word "guinea pig".
Beaker (snickers)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Uh, just put your head down here, so Uncle Bunny can work on you.
Gilda Well, you see, I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea pigging.
She lowers her head towards Bunsen. He dabs a dab onto her forehead.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew M-hmm. There we go. Blink. There. I have just placed on Gilda's forehead, a single teensy weensy drop of Muppet's new Super Adhesive. Now we'll wait a moment for it to get tacky.
Statler What are we waiting for?
Waldorf For it to get tacky.
Statler Another first on this show.
Waldorf How's that?
Statler Well, it's the first time we've had to wait for it to get tacky!
They chuckle.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew And with that single drop of glue, I shall stick this rope to Gilda's forehead, and then Beaker and I shall haul on the rope, thus lifting Miss Radner bodily off the floor.
Gilda (stands up) No, no no no no. Wait a minute. I can't —
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew That's okay, Gilda-poo, that's all right. Now, Beaker, I hope you're feeling fit.
Beaker demonstrates his fitness by pulling on a chest-exercise coil.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew That's good. OK... Oh! (notices his hands are stuck to the rag) Uh... Oh, there was glue on the rag.
Gilda (picks up the tube) Maybe it says something about a... Oh, wait!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh, no, wait. Don't squeeze that tube!
Too late! She accidentally squirts glue all over the place.
Gilda Oh, I'm sorry... What do we do now?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Well, let me consult my notes.
She notices Beaker, stuck to his coil and yelping.
Gilda Oh, you're stuck! Oh, Beaker, wait a minute, here, I'll help you. Wait a minute.
Her hand sticks to the coil. She slaps her hand on her forehead, and it sticks as well. Beaker screams. Bunsen grabs the rope, which is stuck to his coat along with some papers, and winds up pulling himself up.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Whoa! Whoa! Er, it wasn't meant to go this way. That's all for now from Muppet Labs. Beaker! Help your Uncle Bunny! Whoaaaa…
304 adhesive labs
The scene ends in chaos as comical music plays.
Waldorf (chuckling) Well, that must be the glue, all right.
Statler Well, what glue is that?
Waldorf The one they mend the ig with!
They chuckle.

Backstage

Kermit talks on the phone.
Kermit Yeah, well, okay. Here she comes now, Mr. Scribbler. I'll ask her. Uh, Gilda?
Gilda passes, still stuck to Bunsen and Beaker.
Kermit Uh, Gilda, a reporter would like to know, what is the secret of your success?
Gilda Kermit, can I talk to you for a second?
304 scribbler interview
Kermit (over the phone) Uh, well, I guess you could just say that she has stuck with it.
Gilda (mumbling) Oh, yeah, you could say that. (walks off)
Kermit And in the little time I've known her, she's really cemented our friendship.
Beaker springs back towards Gilda. Beaker and Bunsen begin slapping each other.
Gilda I've heard of close friends, but this is ridiculous.
Kermit Okay, well, bye-bye.
He notices his hand is stuck to the receiver. Zoot and Rowlf walk by.
Kermit Hey, guys, get on stage! (realizes) Oh — the intro! Oh, oh, help.
Miss Piggy Kermie, my sweet, I was … yes?
Kermit Piggy, Piggy, not right now. I'm stuck on the phone... uh … literally.
Miss Piggy Oh, Kermie, all this work and worry, my frog…
Kermit Oh, Piggy don't touch me.
Miss Piggy Oh, Froggy-poo.
Kermit Now I'm stuck on you!
Miss Piggy Oh, at last, my frog wants me! Oh, thank you! (notices she's stuck on him) Oh... Oh... Will you let... Will you — Get away from me! What is this?
Kermit (moans)

"Body and Soul"

Zoot and Rowlf play "Body and Soul," but Rowlf soon starts playing one chord.
304 body and soul
Rowlf Zoot, my fingers are glued to the piano.
Zoot toots some sour notes, and notices …
Zoot I can't get my saxophone out of my mouth.
Rowlf Let's get out of here!
They drag themselves and their instruments off stage.

Muppet newsflash

Newsman Here is a Muppet newsflash. The great glue threat is over. The rogue adhesive is under control, but...
He notices his hands are stuck to the paper. He walks out, stuck to his chair.
304 news flash
Newsman Oh, everything is under...

Backstage

Meanwhile, Piggy is still stuck to Kermit, but now more amorous.
304 kermit and piggy stuck
Miss Piggy Oh, Kermie-poo.
Kermit Piggy, you're putting all your weight on me.
Miss Piggy Mm-hmm. Maybe we shall be stuck like this forever.
The newsman passes.
Kermit I don't think I can go on supporting you that long.
Miss Piggy Well, if you think I'm gonna go out and work...
Kermit tries to get away from her, but to no avail.
Kermit Uh, can, can we get the band ready?
Miss Piggy Get the band ready!
The band members pass by them; Kermit still tries to move.
Kermit Come on, you guys. Piggy...
Miss Piggy What?
Kermit Hey, Floyd, what is Gonzo doing back there?
Floyd Oh, he's watching television.
Kermit Yeah, well, shouldn't he be further from the screen?
Floyd Nope. His eyes are glued to the set.
304 gonzo television
Miss Piggy Oh, my...
Kermit and Piggy continue to play tug-of-war with each other.
Kermit Fozzie, would you introduce the next number? (the struggle continues)

"Tap Your Troubles Away"

Fozzie Oh, boy.. Uh, hi. We're having a little trouble back here, but uh, that's okay, that's okay. Let's just give a great big hand for our very special guest star. Oh, no, my hand is stuck... Uh... Uh... miss Gilda Radner.
He screams as the curtain pulls him up. The band starts playing as Gilda, still stuck to the coil and with a hand stuck to her forehead and the other stuck to one shoe, gingerly makes her way through a rendition of "Tap Your Troubles Away". She soon realizes she can put the shoe on. During her tap solo, she swings Beaker from one side of the stage to another and back. A piece of the set sticks to her back, and floorboards stick to her shoes. At the very end, her other hand sticks to the wall.
TapYourTroublesAway

Goodnights

A huge glob of moaning Muppets, and Gilda, make their way to the stage.
Kermit To the left, to the left. Keep going, keep going. A little bit more. Keep going a little bit more... To the left. Hold it, hold it. Too far. Back a little bit. Back, back, back. Okay, that about does it for another regular, nothing out of the ordinary, everything under control Muppet Show. And uh, somewhere back amongst us is our very special guest star. Uh, she's the one behind us here, Miss Gilda Radner! Yaaay!
Applause.
304 closing
Gilda Thanks, Kermit, it's been great. I just can't seem to tear myself away.
Kermit Yeah, okay, uh, well, that's all for now, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! Okay, everybody bow.
They all strain to bow as the credits roll.
Statler Goodnight.
Waldorf So long.
They both notice that they're stuck to the balcony.
Statler & Waldorf Oh, no!
Atv zoot
THE END

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