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Episode 304: Gilda Radner/transcript

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2 00:00:08,466 --> 00:00:09,600 [knocking on door]

3 00:00:09,666 --> 00:00:14,604 Gilda Radner, Gilda Radner. Thim seconds to curtain, Miss Radner.

4 00:00:14,666 --> 00:00:19,804 Well, Scooter, what's all this fuss l keep hearing about me doing

5 00:00:19,866 --> 00:00:25,137 rhe Munin Show? l mean, what kind of a show is it about muffins?

6 00:00:25,199 --> 00:00:28,903 Why, the next thing you know, they have me do a show with ye bread,

7 00:00:28,966 --> 00:00:31,034 or little, tiny lovely biscuits.

8 00:00:31,100 --> 00:00:33,735 Why, l can't do a show like that, it's outrageous!

9 00:00:33,799 --> 00:00:35,635 - Excuse me, ma'am. - What?

10 00:00:35,700 --> 00:00:40,504 It's not The Mu_in Show. It's The Muppet Show.

11 00:00:40,566 --> 00:00:45,671 Ooh... Well, that's vey different.

12 00:00:46,633 --> 00:00:48,267 Never mind.

13 00:00:48,966 --> 00:00:50,267 [drum roll]

14 00:00:50,333 --> 00:00:54,770 lt's rhe Muppet Show with our special guest star, Gilda Radner.

15 00:00:54,833 --> 00:00:56,734 Yeah!

16 00:00:56,799 --> 00:00:59,469 [applause and whistles]

17 00:01:10,033 --> 00:01:13,870

  1. It's time to play the music

It's time to light the light

18 00:01:13,933 --> 00:01:17,970

  1. It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

19 00:01:18,033 --> 00:01:22,003

  1. It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

20 00:01:22,066 --> 00:01:24,101

  1. It's time to get things started

21 00:01:24,166 --> 00:01:26,301

  1. Why don't you get things started?

22 00:01:26,366 --> 00:01:28,868 l always get butterFlies before a show.

23 00:01:28,933 --> 00:01:30,501 - Not this time. - Aah!

24 00:01:30,566 --> 00:01:32,301

  1. It's time to get things started

25 00:01:32,366 --> 00:01:34,768

  1. On the most sensational, inspirational

26 00:01:34,833 --> 00:01:36,868

  1. Celebrational, Muppetational

27 00:01:36,933 --> 00:01:42,872

  1. This is what we call

The Muppet Show! #

28 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:45,568 [foghorn sounds]

29 00:01:50,766 --> 00:01:51,900 [applause]

30 00:01:51,966 --> 00:01:55,069 Thank you, thank you and welcome, again, to rhe Muppet Show.

31 00:01:55,133 --> 00:01:57,368 Hey, tonight, we have with us one of America's

32 00:01:57,433 --> 00:02:00,469 brightest young comedienne's, Miss Gilda Radner!

33 00:02:00,533 --> 00:02:03,969 But first, let us take a moment to consider the folk music

34 00:02:04,033 --> 00:02:05,868 of the North American Eskimo.

35 00:02:05,933 --> 00:02:07,701 Here is a traditional lullaby

36 00:02:07,766 --> 00:02:11,136 from beyond the Antarctic Circle... or somewhere.

37 00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:15,202 (# Lullaby on BroadwayI

38 00:02:17,866 --> 00:02:20,435

  1. Come on along and listen to

39 00:02:20,500 --> 00:02:23,169

  1. The lullaby of Broadway

40 00:02:23,233 --> 00:02:26,035

  1. Hip hip hooray and ballyhoo

41 00:02:26,099 --> 00:02:28,902

  1. The lullaby of Broadway

42 00:02:28,966 --> 00:02:31,868 - # The rumble of the subway train - # A ding, a ding

43 00:02:31,933 --> 00:02:34,602 - # The rattle ofthe taxis - # A ding, a ding, a ding

44 00:02:34,666 --> 00:02:37,335 - # The da__ils who entertain - # A ding, a ding

45 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:39,101

  1. At Angelo's and Maxie's

46 00:02:39,166 --> 00:02:42,802

  1. When a Broadway baby says goodnight

47 00:02:42,866 --> 00:02:45,301

  1. It's early in the morning

48 00:02:45,366 --> 00:02:48,435

  1. Manhattan babies don't sleep tight

49 00:02:48,500 --> 00:02:50,735

  1. Until the dawn

50 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:56,272

  1. Goodnight, baby

51 00:02:56,333 --> 00:02:59,235

  1. Goodnight

52 00:02:59,300 --> 00:03:01,769

  1. Milkman's on his way.

53 00:03:01,833 --> 00:03:07,138

  1. Sleep tight, baby

54 00:03:07,199 --> 00:03:10,069

  1. Sleep tight

55 00:03:10,133 --> 00:03:13,002 - # Let's call it a day - # Hey!

56 00:03:13,066 --> 00:03:15,935 - # Come on along and listen to - # A ding, a ding

57 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,402 - # The lullaby of Broamay - # A ding, a ding, a ding

58 00:03:18,466 --> 00:03:21,435 - # A hi-dgho and boopa doo - # A ding, a ding

59 00:03:21,500 --> 00:03:23,568

  1. You'll sleep all day

60 00:03:23,633 --> 00:03:29,238

  1. Goodnight, baby

61 00:03:29,300 --> 00:03:31,969

  1. Goodnight

62 00:03:32,033 --> 00:03:34,668

  1. Milkman's on his way

63 00:03:34,733 --> 00:03:40,071

  1. Sleep tight, baby

64 00:03:40,133 --> 00:03:42,969

  1. Sleep tight

65 00:03:43,033 --> 00:03:46,970

  1. Let's call it a day

66 00:03:47,033 --> 00:03:50,369 Hey, Norton, l don't think this is 42nd street.

67 00:03:52,066 --> 00:03:56,403

  1. Listen to the lullaby

68 00:03:56,466 --> 00:04:01,137 - # Ofold Broamay - # A ding, a ding

69 00:04:01,199 --> 00:04:03,235

  1. A ding, a ding

A ding, a ding

70 00:04:03,300 --> 00:04:04,634

  1. A ding, a ding, a ding

71 00:04:04,699 --> 00:04:05,734

  1. Hey! #

72 00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:07,902 [applause and cheering]

73 00:04:09,900 --> 00:04:12,669 Weird, why did they want the igloo?

74 00:04:12,733 --> 00:04:15,235 - What? - Why did they want the igloo?

75 00:04:15,300 --> 00:04:17,702 Well, maybe someone broke their ig.

76 00:04:17,766 --> 00:04:20,034 [chuckles]

77 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:23,736 OK, OK. Do Eskimos have chickens?

78 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:25,902 Good number, but move it, move it, move it!

79 00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:28,768 l can't. l've got a broken ig.

80 00:04:30,199 --> 00:04:33,069 - Ah... It's Gilda Radner. - [applause]

81 00:04:34,066 --> 00:04:35,534 Hi, Kermit.

82 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:38,469 - Hi there. - Listen, l want to really thank you

83 00:04:38,533 --> 00:04:40,468 for letting me do the operetta number.

84 00:04:40,533 --> 00:04:43,802 l love operetta, and no one's ever given me a chance to do one before.

85 00:04:43,866 --> 00:04:45,367 Oh, well, you're welcome.

86 00:04:45,433 --> 00:04:47,468 - Have you got my parrot? - Your what?

87 00:04:47,533 --> 00:04:51,003 My parrot. My seven-foot-tall talking parrot.

88 00:04:51,066 --> 00:04:54,068 A seven-foot-tall talking parrot?

89 00:04:54,133 --> 00:04:56,368 Right. l wrote you in the letter.

90 00:04:56,433 --> 00:05:00,036 Well, well, l got your letter, but l couldn't quite read your handwriting.

91 00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:01,201 A parrot?

92 00:05:01,266 --> 00:05:04,802 - Well, what'd you think l asked for? - l... l wasn't really sure.

93 00:05:04,866 --> 00:05:09,270 l thought it was a... Never mind.

94 00:05:09,766 --> 00:05:11,334 [door slams]

95 00:05:11,399 --> 00:05:15,237 Must l share my dressing room with the other vegetables?

96 00:05:18,733 --> 00:05:21,635 A seven foot tall talking carrot?

97 00:05:21,699 --> 00:05:24,235 Watch it, lady, l'm a star.

98 00:05:24,300 --> 00:05:26,368 l sang the hit song from Cole.

99 00:05:26,433 --> 00:05:29,269 - Cole? Cole Porter? - Coleslaw.

100 00:05:29,333 --> 00:05:31,201 They paid him a huge celey.

101 00:05:32,233 --> 00:05:34,301 Now she's stealing my iokes.

102 00:05:34,366 --> 00:05:37,469 Well, l have to do something. l don't have an opening number now.

103 00:05:37,533 --> 00:05:38,600 Why not?

104 00:05:38,666 --> 00:05:42,369 Well, l was going to do selections _rom The Parrots of Penzance.

105 00:05:43,500 --> 00:05:45,501 The Parrots of Penzance?

106 00:05:45,566 --> 00:05:49,002 Yeah, well it's better than The Carrots of Penzance.

107 00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:51,501 Come on, vitamin brains.

108 00:05:54,266 --> 00:05:56,801 Ker... Ker... Ker... Kermit.

109 00:05:56,866 --> 00:06:00,769 Gilda Radner and a seven-foot-tall talking carrot?

110 00:06:00,833 --> 00:06:04,036 Well, l introduce 'em. l don't explain 'em.

111 00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:10,170 Uh... A few perFormers are brave or foolhardy enough

112 00:06:10,233 --> 00:06:13,836 to tackle the blinding complexity of the following musical number,

113 00:06:13,899 --> 00:06:17,169 but here she is, tempting fate, Miss Gilda Radner.

114 00:06:18,533 --> 00:06:21,035 [# tune of l _m the Uey Mode_

115 00:06:21,100 --> 00:06:23,769

  1. l am the vey model

of a modern Major-General

116 00:06:23,833 --> 00:06:26,268

  1. l've information, vegetable

animal and mineral

117 00:06:26,333 --> 00:06:29,269

  1. l know the kings of England

and l quote the fights hysteric #

118 00:06:29,333 --> 00:06:32,736 - # from _lahoo to... [hums] - Hold it. Hold it.

119 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:36,737 Maestro, please. You blew it, my child.

120 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:40,103 Never send a girl in to do a carrot's work.

121 00:06:40,166 --> 00:06:44,270 Ooh, if l knew a 1 2-foot rabbit, you'd really be in trouble.

122 00:06:45,566 --> 00:06:48,201 Why don't we ty an easy one, hmm?

123 00:06:48,266 --> 00:06:50,368 Maestro, please.

124 00:06:50,433 --> 00:06:54,470 (# tune o5 When a Felon's Wot Engaged in his Employmen_

125 00:06:54,533 --> 00:06:57,936

  1. When a carrot's not engaged

in his employment

126 00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,234

  1. His employment

127 00:06:59,300 --> 00:07:02,336

  1. Or maturing his felonious little plans

128 00:07:02,399 --> 00:07:03,400

  1. Little plans

129 00:07:03,466 --> 00:07:06,368

  1. His capacity for innocent enjoyment

130 00:07:06,433 --> 00:07:07,801

  1. ...cent enjoyment

131 00:07:07,866 --> 00:07:11,703 - # Isjust as great as any honest man - # Honest man

132 00:07:11,766 --> 00:07:14,969

  1. Our feelings

we with di_iculty smother

133 00:07:15,033 --> 00:07:16,067

  1. ...culty smother

134 00:07:16,133 --> 00:07:19,035

  1. When our vegetay duty's to be done

135 00:07:19,100 --> 00:07:20,201

  1. To be done

136 00:07:20,266 --> 00:07:23,402

  1. l'll take one consideration

with another

137 00:07:23,466 --> 00:07:24,800

  1. With another

138 00:07:24,866 --> 00:07:27,435

  1. A carrots lot is not a happy one

139 00:07:27,500 --> 00:07:28,934 [all] # Aah!

140 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:32,036 Wait a minute. Who are these guys?

141 00:07:32,100 --> 00:07:36,137 They're my back-up group. They travel with me eveywhere.

142 00:07:38,166 --> 00:07:41,369 What have you got? A chauffeur-driven shopping cart?

143 00:07:42,733 --> 00:07:47,070 Why don't you just stand back and let me show you how it's done.

144 00:07:48,266 --> 00:07:50,501 [# tune of l _m the Uey Mode_

145 00:07:50,566 --> 00:07:53,135

  1. l am the vey model

of a modern Major-General

146 00:07:53,199 --> 00:07:56,269

  1. l've information, vegetation

animable... Oh...

147 00:07:56,333 --> 00:07:58,668 Hold it, hold it. See, you didn't make it either.

148 00:07:58,733 --> 00:08:03,070 - Maybe l didn't want to make it. - [muttering]

149 00:08:03,133 --> 00:08:05,401 Why don't you sing, Gilda?

150 00:08:05,466 --> 00:08:06,934 _# Poor Wand'ring Oneh

151 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:10,403

  1. Poor wand'ring one

152 00:08:10,466 --> 00:08:14,636

  1. Though thou hast surely strayed

153 00:08:14,699 --> 00:08:17,069

  1. Take heart ofgrace

154 00:08:17,133 --> 00:08:19,134

  1. Thy steps, retrace

155 00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:23,604

  1. Poor wand'ring one!

156 00:08:23,666 --> 00:08:27,536

  1. Poor wand'ring one

157 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:31,704

  1. If such poor love as mine

158 00:08:31,766 --> 00:08:33,868

  1. Can help me find

159 00:08:33,933 --> 00:08:36,535

  1. True peace of mind

160 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:39,669

  1. Why, take it, it is...

161 00:08:39,733 --> 00:08:43,303 [vocalizing]

162 00:08:49,566 --> 00:08:51,634

  1. It is thine

163 00:08:51,700 --> 00:08:52,767 Here we go!

164 00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:54,434 (# l Am the Vey Moden

165 00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:56,702

  1. l am the vey model

of a modern Major-General

166 00:08:56,766 --> 00:08:59,034

  1. l've information, vegetable

animal and mineral

167 00:08:59,100 --> 00:09:01,669 - # l know the kings of England - # l quote the fights historical

168 00:09:01,733 --> 00:09:04,068

  1. From Marathon to Waterloo

in order categorical

169 00:09:04,133 --> 00:09:06,335

  1. In militay knowledge, though

l'm plucky and adventuy

170 00:09:06,399 --> 00:09:08,802

  1. Has only been brought down

to the beginning of the centuy

171 00:09:08,866 --> 00:09:11,134 - # But still in matters vegetable - # Animal and mineral

172 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:13,468

  1. l am the vey model

of a modern Major-General

173 00:09:13,533 --> 00:09:15,968

  1. But still in matters vegetable

animal and mineral

174 00:09:16,033 --> 00:09:18,268

  1. l am the vey model

of a modern Major-General #

175 00:09:20,666 --> 00:09:22,734 [applause]

176 00:09:28,166 --> 00:09:31,369 You know, usually operetta music puts me right to sleep.

177 00:09:32,666 --> 00:09:34,968 - [snoring] - You too, huh?

178 00:09:37,566 --> 00:09:40,635 Uh... Ladies and gentlemen, a Muppet melodrama.

179 00:09:40,700 --> 00:09:43,602 - [laughing] - Help! Oh...

180 00:09:43,666 --> 00:09:47,870 And now, for the last time, my little peach pie,

181 00:09:47,933 --> 00:09:50,201 will you mary me?

182 00:09:50,266 --> 00:09:54,069 - [audience boos] - Drop dead!

183 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:58,103 l think that might be my line, my dear.

184 00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:04,804 Oh, where, oh, where is my hero?

185 00:10:04,866 --> 00:10:06,968 [grunting]

186 00:10:07,033 --> 00:10:10,669 l said... Where, oh, where is my hero?

187 00:10:10,733 --> 00:10:14,136 - Here l am, my precious. - [audience cheers]

188 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:15,701 Sory l was late.

189 00:10:15,766 --> 00:10:18,902 l had to change the bus across town, and the traffic was terrible.

190 00:10:19,033 --> 00:10:21,568 Never mind, iust get me out of here.

191 00:10:21,633 --> 00:10:24,435 - Say! l know those boots! - Hmm?

192 00:10:24,500 --> 00:10:27,569 Weren't you a flamenco dancer in Kansas City?

193 00:10:27,633 --> 00:10:31,303 - Why, yes, l was. - Hary's Boom Boom Room?

194 00:10:31,366 --> 00:10:33,668 - You've caught my act? - Huh.

195 00:10:33,733 --> 00:10:37,269 l never could figure out how you did that passe double thing, though.

196 00:10:37,333 --> 00:10:38,333 Paso doble.

197 00:10:38,433 --> 00:10:40,601 Oh, quite simple, my boy, quite simple.

198 00:10:40,666 --> 00:10:43,035 - Music, maestro, please. - [Miss Piggy] Music?

199 00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:45,702 [fast-tempo music playing]

200 00:10:45,766 --> 00:10:47,767 What? Hey, hey! Cool it up there!

201 00:10:47,833 --> 00:10:49,534 [speaking Spanish]

202 00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:51,501 ...a little flourish!

203 00:10:51,566 --> 00:10:53,501 - [Miss Piggy] Watch it! - A-ha!

204 00:10:53,566 --> 00:10:56,402 - You mean, like this? - Whoo-hoo! Oh, there!

205 00:10:56,466 --> 00:10:58,668 - Easy! Down, boy. - A-ha!

206 00:10:58,733 --> 00:11:01,235 - Almost, almost. More like... - [Miss Piggy] Hey!

207 00:11:01,299 --> 00:11:04,269 - Oh! - Hey, wait... Hey!

208 00:11:04,333 --> 00:11:07,169 - [Miss Piggy screams] - [crashes]

209 00:11:07,233 --> 00:11:10,736 [Miss Piggy] l suppose you think that's funny!

210 00:11:10,799 --> 00:11:15,471 l think you might well start with a new pair oF boots.

211 00:11:16,833 --> 00:11:21,904 All right, Muppaphones, move it, move it, move it, move it.

212 00:11:23,866 --> 00:11:25,634 How am l doing? Any better?

213 00:11:25,700 --> 00:11:28,035 Yes. Yes, you're getting it, you're getting it.

214 00:11:28,100 --> 00:11:31,470 Yeah? Well, you're both gonna get it. Hi-yah!

215 00:11:31,533 --> 00:11:32,867 - [laughing] - Hi-yah!

216 00:11:32,933 --> 00:11:34,000 Whoa!

217 00:11:36,866 --> 00:11:39,268 Uh, ladies and gentlemen, it is time, once again,

218 00:11:39,333 --> 00:11:43,003 for a return engagement of the incomparable Marvin Suggs.

219 00:11:43,066 --> 00:11:45,301 l say incomparable because l can't imagine

220 00:11:45,366 --> 00:11:47,301 anything to compare him to.

221 00:11:47,566 --> 00:11:50,769 Anyway, here he is with his Muppaphone, Marvin Suggs!

222 00:11:51,500 --> 00:11:56,938 Gracias, gracias, gracias. Thank you, thank you, thank you

223 00:11:57,200 --> 00:12:02,405 Hi-yah! Yes, l am the beloved Marvin Suggs,

224 00:12:02,466 --> 00:12:06,036 and these are my Muppaphones...

225 00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:08,602 - Move it, move it, move it! - You're so strict.

226 00:12:08,666 --> 00:12:13,270 Silencio. And now...

227 00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:18,171 - Virginia and Stan... exchange. - [both squeak]

228 00:12:18,233 --> 00:12:21,135 Sory l'm late, l couldn't get a parking space.

229 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:22,935 Who cares?!

230 00:12:24,266 --> 00:12:26,668 Thank you, thank you!

231 00:12:26,733 --> 00:12:32,004 And now, we will play and sing for you...

232 00:12:32,066 --> 00:12:35,969 ...the beloved old ballad, Wítch Doctor.

233 00:12:36,033 --> 00:12:38,969 Oh, but l iust had my hair done.

234 00:12:39,033 --> 00:12:40,467 Shut up!

235 00:12:41,633 --> 00:12:44,602 Thank you! Maestro!

236 00:12:44,666 --> 00:12:48,836 [# Wítch Doctor3

237 00:12:48,899 --> 00:12:52,703

  1. l told the witch doctor

l was in love with you

238 00:12:52,766 --> 00:12:57,137

  1. l told the witch doctor

l was in love with you

239 00:12:57,200 --> 00:13:00,336

  1. And then the witch doctor

he told me what to do

240 00:13:00,399 --> 00:13:01,667 - # He say - # Ooh!

241 00:13:01,733 --> 00:13:02,867 - # Ee! - # Ooh!

242 00:13:02,933 --> 00:13:04,567 - # Ah! Ah! - # Ting tang

243 00:13:04,633 --> 00:13:05,900 - # Walla walla - # Bing bang

244 00:13:05,966 --> 00:13:07,133 - # Ooh! Ee! - # Ooh!

245 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:08,434 - # Ah! Ah! - # Ting tang

246 00:13:08,500 --> 00:13:09,834 - # Walla walla - # Bing bang

247 00:13:09,899 --> 00:13:14,104 Thank you! Thank you! Second verse!

248 00:13:14,166 --> 00:13:18,436

  1. My friend, the witch doctor

He taught me what to say

249 00:13:18,500 --> 00:13:22,670

  1. My friend, the witch doctor

He taught me what to do

250 00:13:22,733 --> 00:13:25,702

  1. l know that you'll be mine

when l say this to you

251 00:13:25,766 --> 00:13:27,033 - # When l say - # Ooh!

252 00:13:27,100 --> 00:13:28,267 - # Ee! - # Ooh!

253 00:13:28,333 --> 00:13:29,967 - # Ah! Ah! - # Ting tang

254 00:13:30,033 --> 00:13:31,334 - # Walla walla - # Bing bang

255 00:13:31,399 --> 00:13:32,567 - # Ooh! - # Ee! Ooh!

256 00:13:32,633 --> 00:13:34,267 - # Ah! Ah! - # Ting tang

257 00:13:34,333 --> 00:13:35,801 - # Walla walla - # Bing bang

258 00:13:35,866 --> 00:13:38,001 Modulate!

259 00:13:38,066 --> 00:13:39,367 - # Ooh! - # Ee!

260 00:13:39,433 --> 00:13:40,433 - # Ooh! - # Ah! Ah!

261 00:13:40,500 --> 00:13:41,734

  1. Ting tang

262 00:13:41,799 --> 00:13:43,401 - # Walla walla - # Bing bang

263 00:13:43,466 --> 00:13:44,767 - # Ooh! Ee! - # Ooh! Ah! Ah!

264 00:13:44,833 --> 00:13:46,034 - # Ting tang - # Walla walla

265 00:13:46,100 --> 00:13:47,267

  1. Bing bang

266 00:13:47,333 --> 00:13:49,301

  1. l told the witch doctor...

267 00:13:50,466 --> 00:13:53,068 [orchestra dwindles]

268 00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:57,502 l told you never to tell anyone!

269 00:13:57,566 --> 00:14:00,302 [muttering]

270 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,201 (# The Bird in Wellie's Ha_

271 00:14:10,266 --> 00:14:13,936

  1. Evey Saturday Willie got his pay

272 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:16,669

  1. Then he'd call on Wellie

273 00:14:16,733 --> 00:14:19,535

  1. Trousers neatly pressed

and nice, white vest

274 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:21,535

  1. Button holed bouquet, as well

275 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:25,070

  1. On Wellie's little hat

there was a limle bird

276 00:14:25,133 --> 00:14:28,402 - # That little bird knew quite a lot - # It did, upon my word

277 00:14:28,466 --> 00:14:31,335

  1. And in its quiet way

it had a lot to say

278 00:14:31,399 --> 00:14:34,503

  1. As the lovers strolled along

279 00:14:34,566 --> 00:14:37,702

  1. l'll be your little honey

l can promise that

280 00:14:37,766 --> 00:14:40,668

  1. Said Wellie as she

rolled her dreamy eyes

281 00:14:40,733 --> 00:14:43,769 - # It's a shame to take the money - # Said the bird on Wellie's hat

282 00:14:43,833 --> 00:14:46,001

  1. Last night she said the same

to _immy Wise

283 00:14:46,066 --> 00:14:48,902

  1. Then to Wellie, Willy whispered

as they fondly kissed

284 00:14:48,966 --> 00:14:52,002

  1. l bet that you were

never kissed like that!

285 00:14:52,066 --> 00:14:54,635

  1. Well, you don't know Nellie like l do

286 00:14:54,700 --> 00:14:57,602

  1. Said the saucy little bird

on Nellie's hat

287 00:14:57,666 --> 00:15:00,869 - # Oh, it's melve o'clock - # Said Willie, as he took her home

288 00:15:00,933 --> 00:15:03,635

  1. Now, l bet you're never

out as late as that. Hmm?

289 00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:06,536

  1. Well, you don't know Nellie like l do

290 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:09,302

  1. Said the saucy little bird

on Nellie's hat

291 00:15:10,233 --> 00:15:11,901

  1. Autumn came along

292 00:15:11,966 --> 00:15:14,234

  1. Love's young dream gone wrong

293 00:15:14,299 --> 00:15:16,935

  1. Will went 'round to call

294 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,035

  1. Servant with a grin said

295 00:15:19,100 --> 00:15:23,404

  1. She's not in, Wellie's gone away

That's all

296 00:15:23,466 --> 00:15:27,469

  1. Poor Willie's heart was broke

His life seemed all in vain

297 00:15:27,533 --> 00:15:30,302

  1. Until upon 5th Avenue

he met his Well again

298 00:15:30,366 --> 00:15:32,234 - # Said he - # We meetonce more

299 00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:34,435 - # She said - # Love's dream is o'er

300 00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:37,402

  1. But we can still be real good friends

301 00:15:37,466 --> 00:15:40,936

  1. And l'll keep your presents, honey

just for old times sake

302 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:44,136

  1. Said Wellie as she

rolled her dreamy eyes

303 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:47,303 - # She's fixed him good and plenty - # Said the bird in Wellie's hat

304 00:15:47,366 --> 00:15:49,401

  1. Oh, really, Willie

when will you be wise?

305 00:15:49,466 --> 00:15:52,535

  1. Yes, but how about the

diamond engagement ring

306 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:53,867 - # Of course - # Said Willie

307 00:15:53,933 --> 00:15:55,301

  1. You'll return me that

308 00:15:56,299 --> 00:15:58,335

  1. Oh, brother

309 00:15:58,399 --> 00:16:02,137

  1. Said the saucy little bird

on Wellie's hat #

310 00:16:02,633 --> 00:16:04,634 [applause]

311 00:16:12,566 --> 00:16:13,767 Oh. [clears throat]

312 00:16:13,833 --> 00:16:16,936 Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs,

313 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:19,502 where the future is being made, today.

314 00:16:19,566 --> 00:16:22,735 And here with me, is the lovely Miss Gilda Radner.

315 00:16:22,799 --> 00:16:24,868 Thank you, Dr. Honeydew.

316 00:16:24,933 --> 00:16:27,735 Today we have an amazing demonstration.

317 00:16:27,799 --> 00:16:32,271 And Gilda here has graciously volunteered to be our human guinea pig.

318 00:16:32,333 --> 00:16:33,667 l have?

319 00:16:33,733 --> 00:16:36,168 Good. That's settled then. [clears throat]

320 00:16:36,233 --> 00:16:38,401 Oh, l shall need you, too, Beaker.

321 00:16:38,466 --> 00:16:39,967 - [muttering] - Come on in here.

322 00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:42,034 Now we're ready to begin.

323 00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:44,535 Listen, Dr. Honeydew, you said assistant.

324 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:46,702 l never heard you say the word guinea pig.

325 00:16:46,766 --> 00:16:49,702 Just put your head down here, so Dr. Honey can work on you.

326 00:16:49,766 --> 00:16:51,400 Well, l don't mind assisting,

327 00:16:51,466 --> 00:16:53,901 but l'm not crazy about the idea of guinea pigging.

328 00:16:53,966 --> 00:16:55,867 There we go. Blink.

329 00:16:55,933 --> 00:16:57,200 There.

330 00:16:57,266 --> 00:17:01,603 l have just placed on Gilda's forehead, a single teensy weensy drop

331 00:17:01,666 --> 00:17:03,834 of Muppet's new Super Adhesive.

332 00:17:03,899 --> 00:17:06,202 Now we'll wait a moment for it to get tacky.

333 00:17:07,133 --> 00:17:10,069 - What are we waiting for? - For it to get tacky.

334 00:17:10,133 --> 00:17:12,735 - Another first on this show. - How's that?

335 00:17:12,799 --> 00:17:15,769 lt's the first time we've had to wait for it to get tacky.

336 00:17:18,133 --> 00:17:20,335 And, with that single drop of glue,

337 00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:23,302 l shall stick this rope to Gilda's forehead,

338 00:17:23,366 --> 00:17:26,001 and then Beaker and l shall haul on the rope,

339 00:17:26,066 --> 00:17:29,269 thus lifting Miss Radner bodily off the floor.

340 00:17:29,333 --> 00:17:31,068 No, no, no. Wait a minute.

341 00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:33,602 That's OK, Gilda-poo, that's all right

342 00:17:33,666 --> 00:17:35,734 Now, Beaker, l hope you're feeling fit.

343 00:17:35,799 --> 00:17:38,169 - That's good. - [grunting]

344 00:17:41,133 --> 00:17:42,367 OK... Oh!

345 00:17:42,966 --> 00:17:45,568 Uh... Oh, there was glue on the rag.

346 00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:48,801 - Maybe it says something about a... - [hollering]

347 00:17:48,866 --> 00:17:51,969 - Oh, wait! - Oh, no, wait. Don't squeeze that tube!

348 00:17:52,033 --> 00:17:54,168 l'm sory... What do we do now?

349 00:17:54,233 --> 00:17:56,234 - [screeching] - Let me consult my notes.

350 00:17:56,299 --> 00:17:59,302 Oh, you're stuck! Oh, wait a minute, Beaker, l'll help you.

351 00:17:59,366 --> 00:18:01,668 - Wait a minute. [grunting] - [screeching]

352 00:18:05,299 --> 00:18:07,535 Whoa!

353 00:18:08,133 --> 00:18:10,134 lt wasn't meant to go this way.

354 00:18:11,133 --> 00:18:13,468 That's all for now from Muppet Labs.

355 00:18:13,533 --> 00:18:16,068 - Beaker! - [all shouting]

356 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:21,703 [chuckling] Well, that must be the glue, all right.

357 00:18:21,766 --> 00:18:25,136 - Well, what glue is that? - The one they mend the ig with!

358 00:18:27,500 --> 00:18:28,667 Yeah, well, OK.

359 00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:32,269 Here she comes now, Mr. Scribbler. l'll ask her. Oh, Gilda.

360 00:18:32,533 --> 00:18:35,936 A reporter would like to know, What is the secret of your success?

361 00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:37,801 Kermit, can l talk to you for a second?

362 00:18:37,866 --> 00:18:40,768 l guess you can just say that she has stuck with it.

363 00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:44,736 ln the little time l've known her, she's really cemented our friendship.

364 00:18:46,066 --> 00:18:48,701 l've heard of close friends, but this is ridiculous.

365 00:18:48,766 --> 00:18:52,469 - [shrieks] - [stuttering] OK, well, bye-bye.

366 00:18:54,466 --> 00:18:56,601 Hey, guys, get on stage! The intro!

367 00:18:58,166 --> 00:19:00,167 - Oh, oh, help. - Kermie, my sweet.

368 00:19:00,233 --> 00:19:02,935 Piggy, not right now. l'm stuck on the phone...

369 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:04,835 Literally.

370 00:19:04,900 --> 00:19:08,837 - Oh, Kermie, all this work and wory... - Oh, Piggy don't touch me.

371 00:19:08,900 --> 00:19:12,136 - Oh, Froggy-poo. - Now l'm stuck on you!

372 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:15,202 Oh, at last, my frog wants me!

373 00:19:15,266 --> 00:19:17,701 Thank you! Oh... Oh...

374 00:19:17,766 --> 00:19:20,468 Will you let... Will you let... Get away from me!

375 00:19:20,533 --> 00:19:22,434 What is this?

376 00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:58,869 Zoot, my fingers are glued to the piano.

377 00:20:00,799 --> 00:20:04,970 [warbling] l can't get my saxophone out of my mouth.

378 00:20:06,766 --> 00:20:11,370 - Let's get out of here! - [tones sounding]

379 00:20:14,099 --> 00:20:17,436 Here is a Muppet newsflash. The great Glue Threat is over.

380 00:20:17,500 --> 00:20:21,337 The rogue adhesive is under control, but... Oh, evemhing is under...

381 00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:23,401 Oh, Kermie-poo.

382 00:20:23,466 --> 00:20:25,901 Piggy, you're putting all your weight on me.

383 00:20:25,966 --> 00:20:29,469 Hmm. Maybe we shall be stuck like this forever.

384 00:20:30,866 --> 00:20:33,268 l don't think l can go on supporting you that long.

385 00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:36,836 Well, if you think l'm gonna go out and work...

386 00:20:37,233 --> 00:20:38,601 Aah!

387 00:20:38,666 --> 00:20:41,735 - Can we get the band ready? - Get the band ready.

388 00:20:41,799 --> 00:20:44,068 - Come on, you guys. Piggy... - What?

389 00:20:44,133 --> 00:20:46,201 Hey, Floyd, what is Gonzo doing back there?

390 00:20:46,266 --> 00:20:47,867 Oh, he's watching television.

391 00:20:47,933 --> 00:20:49,934 Shouldn't he be further from the screen?

392 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:54,938 No... His eyes are glued to the set. [chuckles]

393 00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:58,001 Oh, my... Aah!

394 00:20:58,066 --> 00:21:01,736 Fozzie, would you introduce the next number?

395 00:21:04,099 --> 00:21:05,968 Oh, boy...

396 00:21:06,033 --> 00:21:09,970 Uh, hi. We're having a little trouble back here, but that's OK, that's OK.

397 00:21:10,033 --> 00:21:14,070 Let's just give a great big hand for our vey special guest star.

398 00:21:14,133 --> 00:21:19,404 Oh, no, my hand is stuck... Uh... Uh... Miss Gilda Radner.

399 00:21:19,566 --> 00:21:20,900 (# Tap Your Troubles AwayI

400 00:21:24,799 --> 00:21:26,801 What did you do...?

401 00:21:26,866 --> 00:21:28,901 [Beaker whimpering]

402 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:32,401 - _ Tap - [tapping]

403 00:21:32,466 --> 00:21:33,700

  1. Your troubles away

404 00:21:34,900 --> 00:21:36,901

  1. You've bounced a big check

405 00:21:37,466 --> 00:21:41,269

  1. Your mom has the vapors

406 00:21:41,333 --> 00:21:45,003

  1. Tap your troubles away

407 00:21:45,666 --> 00:21:47,667

  1. Your car had a wreck

408 00:21:48,433 --> 00:21:52,170

  1. They're serving you papers

409 00:21:52,233 --> 00:21:57,671

  1. When you're the one

that it always rains on

410 00:21:57,733 --> 00:22:03,038

  1. Simply ty putting your May Janes on

411 00:22:08,700 --> 00:22:12,637

  1. Your boss just gave you the axe

412 00:22:13,099 --> 00:22:15,735

  1. There's years of back tax

413 00:22:16,066 --> 00:22:19,269

  1. You simply can't pay

414 00:22:19,333 --> 00:22:22,169

  1. If you're having bad luck

415 00:22:22,233 --> 00:22:24,902

  1. If you seem to get stuck

416 00:22:24,966 --> 00:22:28,869

  1. Make a curtsy

and tap yourtroubles away

417 00:22:28,933 --> 00:22:31,135 [tapping]

418 00:22:45,533 --> 00:22:47,134 [crashing]

419 00:22:55,433 --> 00:23:00,771

  1. When you need something

to turn your mind o#

420 00:23:00,833 --> 00:23:06,071

  1. Why not ty tapping

your poor behind o#?

421 00:23:09,166 --> 00:23:12,869

  1. Your boat goes over the falls

422 00:23:13,599 --> 00:23:16,135

  1. The plane you're on stalls

423 00:23:16,500 --> 00:23:19,402

  1. The pilot yells pray

424 00:23:19,466 --> 00:23:22,435

  1. When your parachute strap

425 00:23:22,500 --> 00:23:25,102

  1. Is beginning to snap

426 00:23:25,166 --> 00:23:28,569

  1. Smile a big smile

And tap, tap, tap

427 00:23:28,633 --> 00:23:32,269

  1. Your troubles away

428 00:23:32,333 --> 00:23:34,902

  1. When the wolrs at your door

429 00:23:34,966 --> 00:23:37,735

  1. There's a bluebird in store

430 00:23:37,799 --> 00:23:40,602

  1. If you glide 'cross the floor

431 00:23:40,666 --> 00:23:43,235

  1. Till your ankles get sore

432 00:23:43,299 --> 00:23:47,170

  1. Just tap your troubles away!

433 00:23:47,933 --> 00:23:49,334

  1. Your troubles away

434 00:23:50,766 --> 00:23:53,535

  1. Your troubles away #

435 00:23:56,599 --> 00:23:58,568 [applause, cheering]

436 00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:07,602 [Kermit] To the left, to the left.

437 00:24:07,666 --> 00:24:10,468 Keep going, keep going. A little bit more.

438 00:24:10,533 --> 00:24:13,102 Keep going a little bit more... To the left.

439 00:24:13,166 --> 00:24:16,569 Hold it, hold it. Too far. Back a little bit. Back, back, back.

440 00:24:16,633 --> 00:24:18,735 OK, that about does it for another regular,

441 00:24:18,799 --> 00:24:22,270 nothing out of the ordinay, evemhing under control Muppet Show.

442 00:24:22,333 --> 00:24:25,402 And somewhere back amongst us is our vey special guest star.

443 00:24:25,466 --> 00:24:28,202 She's the one behind us here, Miss Gilda Radner.

444 00:24:28,266 --> 00:24:30,267 [all cheering]

445 00:24:33,233 --> 00:24:36,769 Thanks, Kermit, it's been great. l just can't seem to tear myself away.

446 00:24:37,733 --> 00:24:39,835 Yeah, OK. Well, that's all for now,

447 00:24:39,900 --> 00:24:41,901 we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

448 00:24:41,966 --> 00:24:44,101 - OK, eveybody bow. - [all straining]

449 00:24:44,166 --> 00:24:46,835 [indistinct screaming]

450 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:24,435 - Goodnight. - So long.

451 00:25:26,666 --> 00:25:28,367 [both] Oh, no!

452 00:25:28,433 --> 00:25:29,600 [both grunting]

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