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Episode 303: Roy Clark/transcript

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Cold Open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door.
Scooter Roy, oh, Roy Clark? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Clark.
Roy Thank you, buddy. And, by the way, I've got a question. I've got the cowboy suit I'm supposed to be wear, but where's the chaps?
A pair of well-dressed, British "chaps" enter the room.
303 cold open
Chap 1 Hello, hello, hello.
Chap 2 We're the pair of chaps you asked to pop around.
Chap 1 Hello, hello, hello.
They exit.
Roy (to camera) It's a far cry from Oklahoma. (laughs)

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Roy Clark! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins. During the bridge, Scooter rushes into the wings.
303 kill the light
Scooter Hey! Somebody kill that light!
Gunfire is heard. The light falls from above.
303 horn
Gonzo blows his horn and a party favor comes out.
Gonzo Three times!

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Our show is going county tonight because our special guest is one of the world's greatest county music stars, Mr. Roy Clark. And...
Fozzie enters, interrupting Kermit. He wears a racoon-skin hat and carries various pieces of luggage.
Fozzie To the county. Let's go. Eveybody... Kermit, get dressed. To the county!
Kermit (interrupting) Wait a minute, wait a minute! Wait, I said the show was going county, just because Roy Clark is our guest.
Fozzie Oh, oh yeah, one of my favorite performers.
Kermit Yeah, well I didn't mean it would actually be alfresco.
Fozzie Oh, he's good too.
Scooter enters
303 intro
Scooter Excuse me, Kermit. I thought you should know the stagehands aren't here.
Scooter leaves
Kermit W-what?!
Fozzie Hmm, yeah, yeah. I sent 'em off to the county, yeah.
Kermit Fozzie, the show is staying here!
Fozzie But they're all in the county waiting for us!
Kermit (simultaneously with Fozzie) No! We gotta do the show right here! You can't send the stagehands to the county!
Fozzie You said the show was going county! Don't shout, I'm just a bear! I'm trying my best!! I am doing the best I can. Who's gonna shift the scenery?
Kermit Fozzie!
Fozzie What?
Kermit YOU are going to shift the scenery!
Fozzie I am going to shift the scenery?!
Kermit Fozzie?!
Fozzie (facepalming) I am going to shift the scenery.
Fozzie exits the stage
Kermit (stuttering) Sorry about that, folks. Uh... And now, ladies and gentlemen, the multitudinously talented, Mr. Roy Clark.
The audience applauds. Fozzie leans into frame
Fozzie What do I do here?
Kermit Open the curtains!
Fozzie Yes, sir, yes, sir, yes!
Kermit and Fozzie exit. The curtains waiver a bit as they open.
303 rocky top
Roy performs "Rocky Top" in a four-square grid, playing different instruments accompanied by the jugband.
Waldorf I wonder how they do that.
303 do what
A pair of Statler appears appear beside him.
Statler Do what? (laughs)

Backstage

Three Roys pass through the backstage area. Zoot and Floyd incredulously watch from the balcony above.
Floyd Man, that Roy Clark sure is a numerous person. (laughs)
Another Roy passes through.
Roy Boy, you can say that again!
Floyd and Zoot laugh as they enter their dress room. Fozzie laughs as he approaches Kermit's desk.
Fozzie How... How does he do that?
Kermit storms in.
Kermit Fozzie!
Fozzie Oh, yes, sir.
Kermit There's not a stagehand in the theater, thanks to you.
Fozzie Ah, thank you, you're welcome.
Kermit grimaces.
Kermit Listen, listen, Fozzie. You got us into this mess. You are responsible for it. If anything goes wrong here, Fozzie...
303 fozzie fired
Fozzie (burying his face in his hat) Yes, sir?
Kermit You are fired!
Kermit goes onstage.
Fozzie (stammering) Fired?! Oh, no. Oh. My nerves are shot. Still...heh, heh, what could go wrong? I mean, the, uh, the stage is set. The star has arrived....
Scooter appears.
Scooter Psst, Fozzie.
Fozzie The audience is happy...
Scooter The theater's on fire.
Scooter leaves.
Fozzie The theater's on fire...the theater's on fire?! Oh! (coughs)
The backstage fills with smoke.

The Swedish Chef: Living Dough

Swedishchef303
The Swedish Chef prepares a large lump of dough. He sprinkles flour on it and pounds it. Soon, the dough growls and starts bubbling. The Chef pushes down the bulges, then tries rolling it down with his rolling pin. The dough grabs hold of it and knocks him out.

Backstage

The backstage is filled with smoke. Scooter observes from the balcony above, as Fozzie rushes in. The Swedish Chef passes by woozily.
Fozzie Ah, ah, fire! Fire! Chef, fire! Fire!
Kermit appears next to Fozzie, taking him by surprise.
Kermit Fozzie!
Fozzie Oh!
Kermit What's going on?
Fozzie Oh, hi. Uh, nothing. l was just saying that, uh, I'm glad nothing else

is going wrong or I'd get 'fired!

Kermit (sniffing) What's all this smoke?
Fozzie ...uh...that's not smoke.
Kermit It's not smoke?
Fozzie No, no.
Kermit Then, what is it?
Fozzie ...jet exhaust.
Kermit "Jet exhaust?" (grimaces)
303 jet exhaust
Fozzie I, I... Just what I was going to say. Yes. Yes. Oh, look out, here comes another one. Duck!
Fozzie pushes Kermit down and covers his mouth, imitating an airplane going by. Scooter ducks as well. Kermit rises back up.
Fozzie You okay? You okay?
Kermit What was that?
Fozzie Oh, boy, that was a close one. Those planes get lower every day.
Kermit Uh, Fozzie, l didn't see any plane.
Fozzie Yeah, they get faster too. Boy, oh, boy.
Fozzie pushes Kermit toward the stage.
Fozzie Listen. You go tell Roy Clark to keep his head down, okay? And I'll phone the airport. Here comes another one! (mimics airplane sound)
Kermit (ducking) What? What?!
Fozzie Get down!
Kermit is gone and Fozzie grabs the telephone receiver.
Fozzie Hello, operator? H-How soon can you get me the, uh, the fire department?
The receiver squirts water at him.
Fozzie That soon, huh?

Pigs in Space

Announcer And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! When we last left the rocketship Swinetrek, it was drifting aimlessly in space due to a power failure in the control panel.
In the bridge, Captain Link and First Mate Piggy worry.
Piggy Oh!
Link First Mate Piggy, if Dr. Strangepork can't restore power to the control panel, we'll be marooned in space forever.
Piggy Oh, no!
Link Well, look at the bright side, my dear. At least you will spend the rest of your days with me.
Piggy ...that's the bright side?
Dr. Strangepork enters the bridge.
Strangepork Well, I fixed the control panel.
Piggy Oh, that's wonderful, doctor!
Strangepork Yeah, it was faulty viring.
Link Hmm, nice work, Dr. Strangepork.
Strangepork Oh, ho, it was nothing, Link. Actually, I just used some vires from the electric toaster.
Link Hmm, good thinking. Here, I'll try it.
Link pulls a lever and Miss Piggy is ejected below, screaming.
Strangepork ...uh oh.
Link (chuckling) That's all right, doctor. Actually, it's kind of funny.
Strangepork Jå. (laughs)
Link pushes the lever back and Piggy returns.
Link You see, that's what you'd call, "raising a pig." (laughs)
Strangepork Ha! "Raising a pig!" Hahahaha! She has her ups and downs! Oh, hohoho!
Piggy Oh, oh! So, so, so, you think that's funny, huh? Well, it's your turn, Linko!
Link Wh-wha?
Piggy pulls a lever and Strangepork drops out.
Link (chuckles) Thought you had me, didn't ya'?
Piggy (groans)
Piggy flips it back and Strangepork reappears. She flips it again and he falls back down.
Link (laughs) Why don't you try this one right here?
Piggy I am not that stupid.
Link Well, then I'll try it. Ah!
Link pulls a lever and falls down himself.
Piggy (laughing) He was that stupid!
Piggy flips back the lever and Link returns, sucking his thumb.
Link I want my mommy.
Piggy Still think it's funny, Bacon Brain?
Link No, we've gotta get Dr. Strangepork back!
Link pulls a lever and Gonzo appears in Strangepork's chair.
Gonzo Hey, I'm not supposed to be here, right?
Link Right!
Link pulls another lever, causing Gonzo and Piggy to fall down.
Link What? What happened?
303 beaker
Link pushes it back. Beaker and a chicken pop up in their places.
Link Beaker!
Chicken Bawk, bawk, bak, woah!
Link throws the lever and the chicken disappears. Link pulls another one and Beaker falls down and a Koozbanian pops up. Link pulls another lever and the alien leaves, but now Luncheon Counter Monster pops up. He pulls a lever, causing Link to disappear and the Witch Doctor to pop up. The monster pulls another lever, ejecting himself and popping up Chopped Liver. He throws another switch and Statler appears.
Waldorf I don't believe that.
303 waldorf and gonzo
Gonzo pops up in Statler's empty seat.
Gonzo I'm not supposed to be here either, right?
Gonzo pops back down.

"Yesterday When I Was Young"

303 yesterday
Roy sings onstage and while sitting above the orchestra pit. Muppy rests beside him as he sings.

U.K. Spot

Fozzie stands in front of some of the show's backdrops, addressing the audience.
Fozzie Oh! Uh, ladies and gentlemen. There's a, uh, situation backstage I think you should know about. You see...
A quartet of firemen arrive.
Fireman 1 Hey, we're here!
Fozzie Oh, the firemen! Oh, yes!
Fireman 1 Yeah, yeah, we're here to audition.
Fozzie Audition? But, where's your equipment for the fire? You know, the hoses, the axes?
Fireman 2 Oh, yeah, we brought one of those.
Fozzie You got an axe!
Fireman 1 No, an act.
The firemen laugh as the track to "I Don't Want to Set the World on Fire" begins to play.
Fozzie An act?
Fireman 1 Yeah, we're The Singing Firemen.
Fozzie But, there's a fire over here.
Fireman 1 Oh, this is a hot one. He'll love it.
Fozzie It needs tending. Will ya'..but listen!
One fireman escorts him offstage as they begin to sing.
Firemen

I don't want to set the world on fire

Fozzie (running by in the background) Fire!
Fireman 2

I just want to start...

Firemen

(Ooo, ooo)

Fireman 2

A flame in your heart

Firemen

(A flame in your heart)

IDontWanttoSettheWorldonFire
Firemen 2

In my heart I have but one desire

Fozzie passes through with a bucket of water.
Fozzie Uh, 'scuse me, guys. Some people have to work around here. 'Scuse me.
Fireman 2

And that what is you...

Firemen

(Ooo, ooo)

Fireman 2

No other will do

Firemen

(No other will do)

Fireman 2

I've lost all ambition for worldly acclaim

Firemen

I just want to be the one you love

Fozzie (coughs)
Fireman 1

And with your admission that you feel the same

Firemen

I'll have reached the goal I'm dreaming of
Believe me
I don't want to set the world on fire

Fozzie (rushing by with a fire extinguisher) Uh, you don't have to, it started already.
Firemen

I just want to start a flame
A flame in your heart

Chicken (offstage, clucking in dispair)
Fozzie (rushing out with a life preserver) Don't worry, I'll save you!
Fozzie returns to the stage with the chicken, moaning in the life preserver.
Fozzie Are you proud of yourselves? You made this chicken a nervous wreck!
The firemen bow as the stage fills with more smoke.

Talk Spot

Kermit sits on the Talk Spot wall with Roy.
Kermit Hey, Roy. That was a...that was a beautiful song you did. A-and I loved the one where you did all the instruments too.
Roy Well, thank you. But, Kermit, it's not really that hard. You know, I come from a musical family.
Kermit Oh, really?
Roy Sure. My dad plays and all my uncles and we used to get together, when I was a child, and play music.
Kermit Oh, wow. And how many of those instruments, uh, can you actually play?
Roy "Can I actually play," Kermit?
Kermit Yes, yes.
Roy Actually...
Kermit Yes?
Roy ...maybe one out of five would be a good average. (laughs)
Kermit (laughing along) One out of five.
Roy No, but I attempt to play about seven or eight.
Kermit You...well, you did very well in that other number.
Roy Thank you.
Kermit I loved the trumpet.
Roy Uh, I thought, maybe, you'd bring that up.
Kermit Yes, tha-that was outstanding.
Roy Uh, "outstanding?" You mean I should be outstanding in the fields somewhere with my trumpet?
Kermit Well, I-I didn't say that, Roy. Uh, but, anyhow, I-I suppose you're really just born into show business actually, huh?
Roy Well, kind of, ya' know. But, uh, my dad still runs the farm back in Virginia where he keeps chickens and, lot of times I get to missin' the place, out travelin' all the time.
Kermit Yeah. Well, oh, listen, Roy. We could make you feel right at home, 'cause you know we keep chickens.
Roy Really?
A trio of chickens enter and surround Roy.
Kermit Sure. See there? Mm-hmm.
Roy Kermit, uh, if you keep chickens, could, uh, you keep these away?
Kermit Well, l, uh, uh, yes, l will. We also...but, we also keep ducks, you know. Right there, mm-hmm.
A pair of ducks enter, quacking.
Roy Uh, you have any soup to go with these quackers? You know what kind of joke we call that in Virginia?
Kermit Bad?
Roy You stepped right in the middle of that one.
Kermit Uh, yes indeed. Hey, how about some pigs, Roy? Pigs! Pigs, huh?
Two pigs enter, snorting.
Roy Hey!
Kermit Or even cattle?
A mooing cow appears.
Roy Fantastic! How many head of cattle do you have?
Kermit Uh, one. Uh, one head of cow.
Roy Kermit, I gotta tell ya', this is really like being back on the farm.
Kermit Yeah, isn't it great?
Roy Sure is. Free eggs, fried chicken on Sunday, bacon for breakfast, roast duck at Christmas, all the ham sandwiches you can eat. I mean, this place is like a walkin' lunch counter.
Royclark2
Kermit Uh, Roy, it may may look like a luncheon, but it can soon turn into a lynchin'!
The animals all begin to attack Roy.
Roy Hold it! Wait, wait! Hold it! I was only kidding! I was KIDDING!
Kermit He was kidding!

At the Barn Dance

Couples dance to a square dance arrangement of the sketch's normal theme, starting with a pair of pigs.
Male Pig Oh, I hate barn dances. Only reason l come is for the door prize.
Female Pig Well, what's the prize?
Male Pig A free ticket to the next barn dance.
Cow You know, my husband weighs five tons.
Horse Oh, that sounds like a lot of bull.
Cow It is, darling. It is.
Hen Oh, why don't ya'll run away with me?
Rooster I can't. I gotta think of the wife and eggs.
Female Pig Uh, why is that rooster winking at your wife?
Goat I think he's tying to get my goat!
T.R. Say, what's your brother-in-law doing up there?
Hen Oh, he's tying to start the ceilin' fan. It stopped.
The fan starts whirling. The chicken above squawks as feathers pour down on the dancers.
303 barn dance
T.R. Looks like he got it started.
The dancers start sneezing.

Backstage

Smoke trails through the backstage. Link Hogthrob, Rowlf and the Swedish Chef have formed a line, passing buckets of water along to put out the fire. Fozzie rushes in.
Fozzie Hey, hey, c'mon, c'mon. Keep those buckets moving. C'mon, guys! Oh, boy. (to the audience) Remember how the theater was on fire? Well, it still is! Ohhh, c'mon guys, faster, faster!
Kermit enters.
Kermit Fozzie!
Fozzie Oh! Oh, yes, yes sir.
Kermit What is..what is going on here?
Fozzie Yes, going on here!
Kermit Where's all this smoke coming from?
Fozzie Smoke, yes, smoke. Uh...oh, didn't you get a cigar?
Kermit Cigar?
Fozzie Yeah, uh, yes. Uh, uh, a cigar for the frog!
Kermit What-wha?
Fozzie produces a cigar and shoves it into Kermit's mouth.
Fozzie There. Tell me, have you any idea what it feels like to be a father?
303 cigar
Kermit No, no, nm-mmm.
Fozzie Pity. I was hoping you could tell me.
Kermit (spitting out the cigar) Uh, Fozzie.
Fozzie Oh...
Kermit I want an explanation.
Fozzie Oh, dear, yes. I was afraid of that. Um, uh, explanation. Uh, Chef! Chef! Chef, come here. Explain to the frog...all-all the things here. Explain.
Kermit What-what?
Swedish Chef (Mock-Swedish speak)
Fozzie fumbles around with Rowlf and Link. Kermit eventually walks onstage, grimacing, as the Chef follows.
Fozzie C'mon, faster. Faster! What are you doing? Where are you? Link? Link, you fool, where are you? What's going...no, no, I want water. Will you stop that? Gimme the bucket. No, I want a full bucket, you fool. Will you get away from me?
Link Ohhh! Ohhh!
Fozzie Will you stop crying?!

Gonzo's Act

Kermit enters onstage, some light smoke appearing behind him.
Kermit Uh, uh, uh, OK. Uh, whatever. Anyhow, ladies and gentlemen, uh, in his premiere presentation of immortal perfection...otherwise known as rank stupidity, uh, the-the Great Gonzo will yodel Rimsky-Korsakov while riding on a motorized pogo stick. Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!
Kermit leaves, waving his arms as Gonzo rushes in with his pogo stick.
303 pogo stick
Gonzo Yo, howdy, hi! Thank you very much! Gee, hold on to your socks, here it comes!
Music begins and Gonzo yodels along, bouncing up and down. Soon, the pogo stick bounces furiously, dragging him around the stage until finally drilling a hole in the stage. Gonzo falls with a thud. Kermit rushes in.
Kermit Gonzo? Uh. Hey, we can't have a hole in the stage. Uh, uh, Fozzie, carpenter!
Fozzie runs in with a plank and a saw.
Fozzie Uh, carpenter! Carpenter coming! Yes, sir.
Kermit We got a hole in the stage over there. (ducks under Fozzie's board)
Fozzie Where's the hole, sir? Where is it?
Kermit Uh, right over there. (ducking again)
Fozzie Oh, there. Yes, sir. Oh, boy.
Kermit Uh, yeah, yeah. Take the lights off that part of the stage.
Fozzie Uh, yes, sir. Scooter, lights off! Oh, boy.
The lights dim, leaving everything in the dark except for Kermit. Fozzie leaves the stage.
Kermit Fozzie, now I can't see a thing. Where are you?
Fozzie Uh, I-I'm over here by the hole.
Kermit I'll follow the sound of your voiiiiicceeee!
Kermit falls into the hole.
303 lights out
Fozzie Oh, no. Oh, Kermit, are you hurt?!
Kermit (off-screen) Uh, not too bad. I landed on Gonzo.
Fozzie (stammering) I'll do the intro. Uh, Scooter, lights!
The lights turn back on. Fozzie steps around the hole.
Fozzie Oh, boy. Uh, uh, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Roy Clark! Curtains! Oh, that's me! Oh, oh.
Fozzie runs off-stage and opens the curtains.

"Sally Was a Good Old Girl"

TMS.303.Sally
Roy sings "Sally Was a Good Old Girl" in a barn with the jugband, farm animals and others. By the number's end, the set fills with some from backstage. Roy produces a gas mask.

Goodnights

Kermit enters, covered in bandages.
Kermit Okay. Well, that just about wraps up tonight's show. And I must say, I know how it feels.
Fozzie enters.
Fozzie Kermit, Kermit. Please don't fire me. (hugging Kermit) Oh, beg, grovel, plead, please.
Kermit Okay, okay, okay.
Fozzie Oh, thank you! (kisses Kermit) Listen, I'm-I'm really sorry about,

you know, the stagehands, an-and the hole in the floor there...

Kermit The hole, yeah.
Fozzie (removing his hat) ...and, oh, and the fire, and the rest of it.
Kermit (shocked) Fire? We had a fire here?
303 closing 1
Fozzie (moving away from Kermit) ...no.
Kermit Huh?
Fozzie Uh, I mean, uh... Well, at least, yes. A cute, little small one.
Kermit Fozzie!
Fozzie Oh, please! You wouldn't hit a bear in front of a guest star, would you?
Kermit What does that have to do with anything?
Fozzie ...ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Roy Clark!
Kermit Roy Clark, yeah!
Fozzie Roy Clark, yes, yes!
The crowd applauds as Roy enters, playing his fiddle. Kermit and Fozzie dance along until he wraps up.
Roy Whoo!
Kermit Oh, wow.
Fozzie Yes, yes!
Kermit Roy, you are one hot fiddle player. What is your secret?
Roy Just a hot fiddle!
303 closing 2
Roy shakes his fiddle, which emits smoke. Fozzie throws his hat away in fright.
Fozzie Fire! Fire! Fire!
The Singing Fireman rush onto the stage.
Kermit Watch out for the hole!
The firemen all fall down into the hole.
Kermit We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Fozzie Up here! Roy!
Some animals from the closing gather as the closing theme begins.
Statler I thought, for once, the show really caught fire. (laughs)
Waldorf I thought it burnt itself out, same as always. (both laugh)

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