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Episode 302: Leo Sayer/transcript

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Cold open

Theme

Opening number

Backstage

"Carbon Paper"

Backstage

"The Daffodils"

Backstage

"The Show Must Go On"

UK spot

Dressing room

Annie Sue meets Piggy

Fozzie's comedy act

Backstage

"When I Need You"

Goodnights

Leo Sayer. Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Sayer.

Thank you, Scooter. You know, I don't really believe this is The Muppet Show. It's so quiet here. you Can hear A pin drop.

- [bowling ball rolling]

- [laughing]

- Strike!

Now I believe it's The Muppet Show.

[drumroll]

It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Leo Sayer. Yay!

  1. It's time to play the music

It's time to light the light

  1. It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

  1. It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

  1. It's time to get things started
  1. Why don't you get things started?

Come back here, Statler.

If I have to stay and watch this,

so do you.

  1. It's time to get things started
  1. On the most sensational, inspirational
  1. Celebrational, Muppetational
  1. This is what we call

The Muppet Show #

- [explosions]

- [trumpet squeak]

My teeth!

Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. We're very excited about tonight's guest star because it's not very often we have any really good rock on the show.

Yeah! We rocks are pretty upset by it.

Uh, I suppose that's true. I guess we've been taking you for granite.

- [grunts]

- [groans]

Just my luck, a rock with no sense of humor. Get out of here. OK, as I was tying to say, here is one of the truly great stars of rock music, the delightFul Mr. Leo Sayer, who makes us feel like dancing.

(# You Make Me Feel Like DancingI

  1. You've got a cute way of talkin'
  1. You've got the better of me
  1. Just snap your fingers

and I'm walking

  1. Like a dog, hanging on your lead
  1. I'm in a spin, you know

Shaking on a string, you know

  1. You make me feel like dancing
  1. I want to dance the night away
  1. You make me feel like dancing

I'm gonna dance the night away

  1. You make me feel like dancing
  1. I feel like dancing, dancing

Dance the night away

  1. I feel like dancing, dancing

[vocalizing]

  1. Quarter to four in the morning
  1. I ain't feelin' tired

Wo, no, no, no, no, no

  1. Just hold me tight

And leave on the light

  1. 'Cause I don't want to go home
  1. You've put a spell on me

I'm right where you want me to be

  1. You make me feel like dancing

I want to dance the night away

  1. You make me feel like dancing

I want to dance the night away

  1. You make me feel like dancing
  1. I feel like dancing, dancing
  1. Dance the night away
  1. I feel like dancing, dancing

Dance the night away

  1. I feel like dancing, dancing

Dance the night away

  1. I feel like dancing, dancing

[vocalizing]

[birds vocalizing]

  1. But if you let me stay

We'll dance our lives away

  1. You make me feel like dancing

I'm gonna dance my life away

  1. You make me feel like dancing

I'm gonna dance my life away

- # You make me feel like dancing

- # I'm gonna dance my life away

- # I feel just like dancing

- # You make me feel like dancing

- # I'm gonna dance my life away

- # You make me feel

- # You make me feel like dancing

- # Just like dancing

  1. I'm gonna dance my life away #

There's something about him reminds me of me when I was young.

what is it?

Mainly his age.

OK, strike that set. Set up the next number.

Uh, Kermie.

Hmm?

May I ask you what is this Carbon Paper number coming up next?

Oh, yeah. That's a song that Annie Sue is doing. She's a girl singer.

Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. I see, I see.

Yeah, but she's not at all like you, Miss Piggy.

Oh, of course not, Kermie. You said she was a girl singer. I am a woman singer.

Yeah, yeah. That is true.

So, uh, what is, uh... what is she, a chicken? A, what, a goat? She's not a frog, is she?

Uh, no, no, she's a... [stammers] She's a... She's a... a pig.

What?

- She's a pig.

Another girl pig singer?!

- Yeah, but you're a woman.

Forget that!  Who cares?

Yeah, but like I say, she's nothing like you.

- She's very young...

- What?!?

She's just a kid. She's very inexperienced. She's just learning the business, Miss Piggy.

Mm-hmm. I have some things to do.

Hello, sir. Do I look all right?

Oh, Annie Sue, you look wonderFul.

Oh, good.

Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy?

What?

Uh, would you like to say hello to Annie Sue?

Oh. [chuckles] Hello, Annabel.

Miss Piggy! How do you do, ma'am?

Yes, if you'll both excuse me. Yeah, She had some things to do.

It sounds like she's doing them now.

Uh, I think I better go introduce you.

Oh, sure.

[Miss Piggy yelling]

And now, here to entertain you, the Muppets' delightFul little lady of song...

- [plates breaking]

- [Miss Piggy yelling, muffled]

Uh, that is, one of the Muppets' delightFul ladies of song, uh, Miss Annie Sue.

I# Carbon Pape_

  1. You put a piece of carbon paper

under your heart

  1. And gave me just a copy of your love
  1. Each dove and pigeon'll

know who got the original

  1. Darling, can't you see

what you mean to me

  1. Oh, how you fooled me

with those giggles, winks and nudges

  1. The love that you gave me

was a duplicate with smudges

  1. 'Cause you put a piece

of carbon paper under your heart

  1. And gave me just a copy...

Here we go, everybody!

[tapping]

  1. Oh, how you fooled me with

those giggles, winks and nudges

  1. The love that you gave me

was a duplicate with smudges

  1. 'Cause you put a piece

of carbon paper under your heart

  1. And gave me just a copy of
  1. Gave me just a second sheet of love #

[applause]

Terrific! I love her. That little bundle of talent's the only thing that'll keep this show going.

Shall we shoot her now before she ruins everything?

Hey, that was terrific, Annie Sue.

Oh, thank you, sir. I was so nervous.

Oh, you were wonderFul. The audience loved you. You were a smash.

Oh, thank you, sir!

Speaking of smash. Uh, Miss Piggy, you know that dramatic recitation you've always wanted to do?

Of course.

I want you to do it now.

Really?

Mm-hmm. I had the stage all set up out there for you.

Oh, Kermit! I'll... Which side did She kiss you on?

this one over here.

- [applause]

Oh, thank you, thank you.

- Kermie, it's beautiful.

- [loud piano chord]

Oh. Ahem. The Daffodils by William Wordsworth.

[playing piano]

I wandered lonely as a cloud

That floats on high o'er vales and hills

- [sneezes]

- [clears throat] Excuse me.

When all at once I saw a crowd

A host Of golden daffodils

- Aah-choo!

Sorry.

Ahem.

Beside the lake...

Aah-aah-choo!

Ahem. Beside the tree...

Aah, aah... Aah-choo!

Aah... aah... aah-choo!

Uh, please excuse me, it's the flow...

Aah... aah-choo!

[all sneezing]

Kermit!

All right, where is El Slimo? Who put the sneezing powder in the flowers?

And what do you have to say for yourself?

[sneezes]

(# The Show Must Go OnI

  1. Baby, although I chose

this lonely life

  1. It seems it's strangling me now
  1. And all the wild men, big cigars

Gigantic cars

  1. They're all laughing at me now

Ha!

  1. Oh, I've been used

Oh, so used

  1. Oh, I've been a fool

Oh, what a fool

  1. And I broke all the rules

I broke all the rules

  1. But I won't let the show go on
  1. Baby, look, there's

an enormous crowd of people

  1. And they're all after my blood
  1. I wish maybe they could tear down

the walls of this Muppet Theater

  1. And let me out

Oh, let me out

  1. But I've been blind

Oh, so blind

  1. Wasting my time

Wasted, wasted, oh, so much time

  1. Walking on the wire

High wire

  1. But I won't let the show go on

[scat singing]

  1. Baby, I wish you'd help me escape
  1. And help me get away
  1. Leave me outside my address
  1. Far away from this masquerade
  1. Masquerade!
  1. I've been used

Oh, so used

  1. I've been a fool

Oh, what a fool

  1. I broke all the rules

l've been used, oh, misused

  1. But I won't let the show go...

What'd I say

  1. I won't let the show
  1. I won't let the show go on #

[applause]

(# She Was One Of The Early BirdsI

  1. It was at the matinee
  1. Sweet Mabel and I did meet
  1. She was in the ballet front row
  1. And I in a balcony seat
  1. She was one of those Dickey birds
  1. Beautiful wings she had on
  1. Figure divine

Wish she were mine

  1. On her I was totally gone
  1. She was a dear little Dickey bird

- [trills]

- # She went humming-humming sweetly

  1. She sang to me

till all my money was spent

- [trills]

- # Then she went o#-song

- [clucks]

- # We parted on fighting terms

  1. She was one of the early birds
  1. And I was one of the worms

- # She was a dear little Dickey bird

- [birds singing and chirping]

  1. She went

thrgfour-fivesix sweetly

  1. She sang to me

till all my money was spent

  1. Then she went o#-song

- [off-key cluck]

- # We parted on fighting terms

  1. She was one of the early birds
  1. And I was one of the worms

[chirping and whistling]

  1. She was one of the early birds
  1. And I was one of the worms #

[applause]

- Hey, Leo!

- Hey, Dr. Teeth!

Hey, That last number was terrific.

thank you, Dr. Teeth. But you know, it sounded good, but it wasn't the arrangement I sent in.

Oh, yeah, your arrangements came yesterday, Animal had 'em for lunch.

He ate my arrangements?

- He certainly couldn't read them. When Animal gets anything he either hits it or eats it. No third alternative.

Interesting. Anyway, it sounded good.

I'd really like to meet Animal.

Hey, you want to meet Animal? That's no problem. one thing, though.

- What's that?

See that line down there on the floor? Stand behind that line.

Stand behind it?

- Yeah. That's perFect.

Hey, Animal! Come on in here, Animal!

- [Animal] Coming!

- [chains rattling]

Dr. Teeth, why do I have to stand behind the line?

That's how far his chain reaches.

- [Animal] Leo Sayer!

- [screams]

- Aah! It's Animal!

- Ohh!

[growling] Leo!

- [humming]

- [knock on door]

Entrez.

Uh, excuse me, Miss Piggy, Annie Sue is outside.

Good. She can stay there.

Aw. Listen, Miss Piggy, she just has something to say to you. Why don't you be nice to her for my sake, OK?

[sighs] All right, Kermie, I shall be nice to her. But just pour vous.

Aw, thank you.
Send in the little merp.

- I'll be nice.

OK.

Oh, Miss Piggy, Miss Piggy, Miss Piggy, Miss Piggy, Miss Piggy!

all right.

- Oh, I can't believe it. Here I am, face to face with a real superstar. I can actually reach out and touch you.

[growls]

- But I won't.

good.

I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby.

Oh!

It was so nice of you to open your door to me.

Well, [chuckles] we must do it again sometime, my dear.

Oh, when?

Well, right now.

Do drop in again sometime. And put the star back on the door!

[fanfare plays]

OK, moving right along, we bring you a few slick tricks with our resident hick, Mr. Fozzie Bear!

[orchestra plays]

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Love you! Love you! Nothing. OK. Uh, with the help of my lovely assistant, Miss Annie Sue Pig... [applause] Oh, sure, now, yeah. Uh, I will astonish you all with, uh... Oh, I forgot what I was gonna do. Oh, yes! A memory act! Aah-ha! How can I forget? Yes, with the help of my lovely assistant, Annie... Annie... Oh, help. Annie Thing Pig here, yes, I shall now demonstrate my remarkable, nay, photographic memory.

Hey, what's a photographic memory?

In your case, a memory that needs developing.

[both chuckling]

Uh, yeah. Now I shall now ask, uh, Annie... Hoo-Hah Pig here, uh, to close her eyes and then I shall describe what she is wearing. No! Uh, I… I… No, I will close my eyes and then, uh, she will... I will describe what she is... Uh, no...

How about we close our eyes and catch some well-earned sleep?

No, no, I got it, listen. Listen. Uh, Miss... Miss, uh... Thing-Annie-Thing-Thing here...

Yes, yes.

Uh, she will describe what somebody here is wearing, yeah, and with my eyes shut, I will remember where that person is sitting. Drumroll.

- [drumroll plays]

OK, do it.

OK, the mystery person is wearing a little brown hat...

Yep. Yep.

- ...a white bowtie...

- ...with red polka dots.

Yep. Uh...

- Well, so, is that all he's wearing?

Yeah.

[scoffs] That's ridiculous.

I mean, that means apart from a hat and a tie, he's bare.

- That's right!

It is?

- It's you!

- It's me? Of course it's me!

Oh, yes, thank you! Yes, yes. Thank you.

OK, standby for Leo's last number.

Oh, Kermit, I am so embarrassed. I forgot everything out there.

- Don't worry, Fozzie. They loved her.

Who?

Your assistant, Annie Sue.

Oh, yeah. I forgot. See? See, it's getting worse. Uh-huh.

they seemed to like it.

you were wonderFul, Annie Sue.

Oh, thank you, Kermit, sir, but I really didn't do that much.

Well, you saved Fozzie's act, that's all.

Really?

sure.

- [gasps]

- Oh!

Beats saying that bear was in a lot of trouble.

Yeah? Well, now, it's the frog's turn!

Hii-yaah!

- Hii-yaah!

- [screaming]

And now, ladies and gentlemen, our very special guest star, Mr. Leo Sayer.

(# When I Weed YouI

  1. When I need you
  1. I just close my eyes

and I'm with you

  1. And all that I so want to give you
  1. It's only a heartbeat away
  1. When I need love
  1. I hold out my hands
  1. And I touch love
  1. I never knew there was so much love
  1. Keepin' me warm night and day
  1. Miles and miles of empty space

in between us

  1. A telephone can take the place

of your smile

  1. But you know

I won't be traveling forever

  1. It's cold out, but hold out
  1. And do like I do
  1. When I need you
  1. I just close my eyes and I'm with you
  1. And all that I so want to give you
  1. It's only a heartbeat away
  1. It's not easy

when the road is your driver

  1. Honey, that's a heavy load

that we bear

  1. But you know

I won't be traveling a lifetime

  1. It's cold out, so hold out
  1. And do like I do
  1. Oh, I need you

[growls]

[cackling]

  1. When I need love
  1. I hold out my hands and I touch love
  1. I never knew

there was so much love

  1. Keeping me warm night and day
  1. When I need you #

[vocalizing]

[applause]

Well, guys, we started at the beginning and we've come to the end. So right now let us have a warm thank you to Mr. Leo Sayer! Yay!

I loved it!

Thanks, Kermit. It was just wonderFul.

Leo, Leo, I just want you to know...

Excuse me, pig.

...you're a wonderFul singer... Leo?

Oh, Annie Sue. You were wonderFul. You know, you'll be a big showbiz star.

I really feel.
Oh, thanks, Mr. Sayer.

Annabel, Annabel, take a bow.

Good. Now just stand over there, where you won't get hurt.

Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

That was an amazing mess of mediocre mediocrity.

you Can say That again.

Wanna bet?

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