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Episode 301: Kris Kristofferson & Rita Coolidge/transcript

< Episode 301: Kris Kristofferson & Rita Coolidge

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Cold open

Theme

Opening number

Canteen

Gonzo's stunt

Muppet Labs

"My Wild Irish Rose"

Canteen

Muppet newsflash

Backstage

"We're All Alone"

UK spot

Dressing room

"New York State of Mind"

Chimes

Canteen

"Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee (An Actor's Life for Me)"

"Song I Like to Sing"

Goodnights

Kris Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge, 25 seconds to curtain, folks.

no problem.

- We'll be ready.

Great. Uh, by the way, I hope you folks don't mind having to share a dressing room.

Nah.

no, Not at all.

Good. Come on in, guys! You can share Kris and Rita's dressing room!

- Oh, boy!

- [all growling]

[drumroll]

It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest stars Rita Coolidge and Kris Kristofferson. Yay!

  1. It's time to play the music

It's time to light the light

  1. It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

  1. It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

  1. It's time to get things started
  1. Why don't you get things started?
  1. Blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah-blah
  1. It's time to get things started
  1. On the most sensational, inspirational
  1. Celebrational, Muppetational
  1. This is what we call

The Muppet Show #

[hiccups]

[hiccups] Uh, excuse me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. We have a very special show tonight because we have not one but two special guest stars. We have Mr. Kris Kristofferson and Miss Rita Coolidge.

- [cheers and applause]

Yeah.

- [clears throat] Kermie, Kermie.

Uh, yes, Miss Piggy?

I just want to thank you for letting me do this opening number with Kris.

- Oh, well, that's all right.

- It's a very sexy number.

- I hope you won't be jealous.

- [clears throat] Don't worry.

Uh, you sure?

Positive.

Oh. [gasps]

Kris, please!

Kermie, you'd better introduce us. He just cannot wait.

[chuckling]

Yeah. Uh, well, ladies and gentlemen, here he is...

Kermie, I just want you to know, no matter what happens, it's you I love. Trust me.

Uh... yeah. OK. Well, ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Mr. Kris Kristofferson.

(# Help Me Make It Through The Night

  1. Take the ribbon from your hair

- # Shake it loose, let it fall

- [sighs]

  1. Layin' soft against my skin
  1. Like the shadows on the wall

[swoons] Kris.

  1. Come and lay down by my side
all right.

- # Till the early morning light

Oh, you silver-tongued devil.

  1. All I'm taking is your time

- Take it!

- # Help me make it through the night

Oh, Krissie.

  1. We don't care who's right or wrong
  1. I don't try to understand
  1. Let the devil take tomorrow

- # Lord, tonight I need a friend

Oh, yes.
  1. Yesterday is dead and gone
  1. Yesterday is dead and gone
  1. And tomorrow's out of sight
  1. Yes, tomorrow's out of sight
  1. And it's sad to be alone
  1. So sad to be alone

[both] # Help me make it

through the night

  1. We don't want to be alone
  1. Help me make it through the night #

[kissing]

[applause]

You rascal.

- WonderFul!

- WonderFul!

  1. Copenhagen #

[Kermit] OK, stagehands, strike Kris's number. I'm introducing the dog act. Dogs on stage, please.

Hey, Gladys.

Yeah, dear?

- What's the soup du jour?

Same as yesterday.

Good. I'll have that and the chicken.

Now, how do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled or barbecued?

I want the chicken for company! [sighs] I hate to eat alone.

- [clucks]

For a second there I thought you was one of them weirdoes. I still do.

Hey, Gonzo, Kermit says you're on next.

Oh, thank you.

- It's OK, dear. You'll pay me later.

thank you.

- You're finally gonna get to do the old piano-balancing act, eh?

Yeah.

You'll pay me now.

[fanfare plays]

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo, in a master feat of mathematical dexterity. Um, is He ready back there?

- [monster] Uh, no, no.

- [Gonzo] I'm ready.

Yeah, Yeah.

Uh... OK. The Great Gonzo, in a master feat of mathematical dexterity, will recite the seven times multiplication table while balancing a piano and standing in a hammock. The Great Gonzo!

- [fanfare plays]

Ta-da!

[groaning]

Seven... Seven times one is, uh... Seven. Seven times two is, uh... 1 7. Oh, let me count that. All right. Seven, eight, nine, ten, cary the one... Eleven, 1 2...

Well, that act certainly suited Gonzo.

It did?

Yep. Suited him down to the ground.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made, today. Well, l've got some news of welcome relief to short, stubbly people like Beaker here.

- [muttering]

- Announcing new Muppet Labs' Atomic Elevator Shoes. Yes, these shoes can add inches to your height at the mere flick of a lever. [clears throat] Beaker is wearing them now, and they work like this. Up...

- Ooh! [mutters]

...down.

- [muttering]

- Oh, Beaker, stop it! You're just acting like a baby. [sighs]

- [gasping]

and So, the Atomic Elevator Shoe adds untold inches to Beaker's unfortunate physique.

[Beaker screaming]

Beaker! You never told me you wore stripy socks. That's all for today from Muppet Labs.

- Timber!

- [crashing]

(# My Wild Irish RoseI

  1. My wild Irish rose

[growling]

Uh... Wait, wait... [screaming]

[Kermit] Stand by for Rita's number.

Woodland animals on stage, please.

[humming] Oh, what a nice stole.

Hello, Miss Piggy.

Oh. Ahem. Hello, Annabel.

you look So beautiful today.

Of course I do.

Now, what'll it be?

One Weight Watchers special?

I shall see the menu, s'il vous plait.

The name's Gladys.

Well, Gladys, I shall have, let me see... A watercress sandwich on whole wheat and four ounces of rhubarb juice.

One fatso special!

Oh, and what will we have for you, dear?

Well, I'm not really hungry, but I'll have a chocolate milkshake, a hamburger with French fries on the side and apple pie with cream.

- One kamikaze special!

Oh, what a cute name.

[chuckles] Yes, isn't that sweet, all that food?

- [shrieks]

- [objects clattering]

I'm sorry.

And now, a Muppets news flash. This is an update on the Henderson burglary. Police have recovered all the stolen property except the silverware. It has disappeared into thin air.

Excusez-moi, Kermie.

Not right Now, Miss Piggy. I Have to go introduce Rita Coolidge.

I just wanted to mention that Mr. Kristofferson and Miss Coolidge are happily married.

Uh, Yeah, I know.
Mm-hmm. It… It shows you can combine show business careers and marriage.

Well, I suppose it does, yes.

You know, we both have show business careers.

- That's true.

Mm-hmm.

Need I say more?

Miss Piggy, I really have to go introduce Rita Coolidge.

Yes, dear. I just wanted you to think about it.

I don't have time to think about it.

Maybe six months in the hospital will give you more time to think.

I… I will think about it.

Thank you.

And now, here she is, our second very special guest, a lovely lady with a beautiful voice and a wonderful song, Miss Rita Coolidge.

- [applause]

_# We're All Aloneh

  1. Outside, the rain begins
  1. And it may never end
  1. So cry no more, on the shore
  1. A dream will take us out to sea
  1. forevermore
  1. forevermore
  1. Close the window

Calm the light

  1. And it will be all right
  1. No n_ to bother now
  1. Let it out

Let it all begin

  1. Learn how to pretend

- [vocalizing]

- # Once a story's told

  1. It can't help but grow old
  1. Roses do, lovers too
  1. So cast your seasons to the wind
  1. And hold me, dear
  1. Oh, hold me, dear
  1. Close the window

Calm the light

  1. And it will be all right
  1. No n_ to bother now
  1. Let it out

Let it all begin

  1. All's forgotten now
  1. My love
  1. My love #

[plays piano riff

 very nice.

thank you.

Ahem. I take great pride in introducing the charming 18th century romantic ballad, A frog He Would A-Wooing Go. Go.

_# A frog He Would A-Wooing Goh

  1. A frog he would a-wooing go
  1. Hey, ho, said Rowley
  1. Whether his mother

would let him or no

  1. With a Rowley roly gammon

or spinach

- # Hey, ho, said Anthony Rowley

- [humming]

hmm. Beautiful.

thank you.

Next verse.

  1. He came to sweep Miss Mousey's hall

Hey, ho, said Rowley

  1. He gave a loud knock

He gave a loud call

  1. With a Rowley poly

gammon and spinach

- # Hey, ho, says Anthony Rowley

- [mutters in tune]

Charming.

thank you. Next verse.

  1. But while they there were merry making
  1. Hey, ho, said Rowley
  1. A cat and her kittens came tumbling in
  1. With a Rowley poly

gammon and spinach

[both] # Hey, ho, said Anthony Rowley #

Oh, yes. Sheer poetry, isn't it?

I think l'd like it more

if I understood the words.

Oh, well, which words?

Well, let's start with

A frog he would a-wooing go.

A-ha! Uh, yes, that.

This shows us that there was a time

when frogs, indeed, used to go woo.

Frogs don't go woo, woo.

They go ribbit.

Only very recently.

Hey, ho, said Anthony Rowley.

Ah, oh, yes. Oh, that one.

The precise meaning

of the expression hey, ho

is lost in antiquity.

You won't find any modern rubbish here.

What about Rowley poly

gammon and spinach?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

- What's that?

- That's rubbish.

- That's what I thought.

[plays ending riM

[applause]

Why are they clapping?

Hey, Rita, we gotta talk

about something. You alone?

Yes.

Are you sure?

Sure I'm sure, Kris.

You don't see anybody, do you?

No, but around here

it doesn't make any difference.

Everything on this show walks and talks.

Animals, vegetables.

[voice] Don't forget about the minerals.

You heard me, buster!

[thumping]

Uh, would you mind leaving us alone for a while, please?

Oh, sure thing. Come on, gang.

They want to be alone.

- [murmuring]

- Let's go wait in the hall.

- [door closes]

Rita, this is A very weird show.

Yes. That was a little strange,

but I think you'll find most of

the Muppets are pre_ normal.

Uh, Miss Piggy, Fozzie,

Scooter, Kermit.

Hi. Hi.

what about this one?
Hello, Gonzo.

Hi.

Say, how about a couple of autographs?

- Sure, I'll get a pen for you.

- You don't have to.

I already signed them.

You're giving us your autographs.

Yeah. They're really valuable now

since my piano-balancing act.

but, Uh, Gonzo, you fell.

- I know!

A lot of people think I'm dead now.

Isn't that terrific?

(# New York State of Mind

  1. Some folks like to get away
  1. Take a holiday from the neighborhood
  1. Hop a flight to Miami Beach

or to Hollywood

  1. But I'm taking a Greyhound

on the Hudson River line

  1. I'm in a New York state of mind
  1. It was so easy living day by day
  1. Out of touch with the rhythm and blues
  1. Wow I need a little give and take
  1. The New York Times
  1. The Daily News
  1. Come down to reality
  1. And it's fine with me

'cause l've let it slide

  1. Don't care if it's Chinatown

or round at Riverside

  1. I don't have any reasons
  1. Left them all behind
  1. I'm in a New York state of mind
  1. I'm in a New York state of mind #

- [scat singing]

- [applause]

Well, I didn't think l'd live to see it,

but, for once, they've given us

something other than

second-rate entertainment.

- What's that?

Third-rate entertainment.

[playing for Me and My Ga_

Mm-mmm-mmm!

That was mighty fine, Gladys. My compliments to the chef.

Hey, He says He liked it.
Who you talking to?

The short order cook.

This place takes itself so literally.

Of course it does. Hey, you want to see our apple turnover?

sure.

- Hey, apple, turn over!

Hii-yup!

Hey, I might just slide by later and take a look at the salad dressing.

Hey, what about Animal? He hasn't ordered yet.

Nah, it's OK. He just finished a TV dinner.

did He remember to thaw it?

thaw it?

[Animal munching]

- He didn't even unplug it!

- [electricity crackling]

TV dinner! TV dinner!

(# Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee

(An Actor's Life for Me)h

  1. Hi-diddle-dee-dee

An actor's life for me

  1. A high silk hat and a silver cane
  1. A watch of gold with a diamond chain
  1. Hi-diddle-dee-doo

You sleep till after two

  1. You promenade with a big cigar
  1. You tour the world in a private car
  1. You dine on chicken and caviar
  1. An actor's life for me
OK, what happens now?
Now comes the funny part.

Well, leaving the stage is funnier than a lot of things the bear does.

OK, now, ask me what I'm carrying the fish for.

Oh, Fozzie, what are you carrying the fish for?

Oh, just for the halibut.

Eh, you were better off leaving the stage.

- Ha!

- [splash]

  1. Hi-diddle-dee-dee

An actor's life for me

  1. A high silk hat and a silver cane
  1. A watch of gold with a diamond chain
  1. Hi-diddle-dee-doo

You sleep till after two

Hey, Fozzie, this number needs help.

No, it doesn't, it needs scenery!

Oh, it's wonderful scenery,

but is it funny?

OK, now, ask me

what I'm carrying the hoop for.

Oh, Fozzie, what are you carying the hoop for?

Ah, because Statler and WaldorF always say the show is hoopless.

just for the halibut.

Keep tying.

Oh, boy.

  1. Hi-diddle-dee-dee

An actor's life for me

  1. A high silk hat and a silver cane
  1. A watch of gold with a diamond chain
  1. Hi-diddle-dee-doo

You sleep till after two

  1. You promenade with a big cigar
  1. You tourthe world in a private car
  1. You dine on chicken and caviar

An actor's life for me

  1. An actor's life for me! #

Well, we've heard one of our guest stars, and then we've heard the other one. Now, let's put them together and see what happens. Ladies and gentlemen, Kris Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge.

(# A Song l'd Like To SingI

  1. There's a song l'd like to sing
  1. Do you know the song I mean?
  1. It don't always sound the same
  1. But it's always good to sing
  1. Anyone can say the words
  1. Anyone can sing the tune
  1. If you take a little time
  1. I can teach this song to you
  1. And we can get to know each other
  1. Like a sister and a brother
  1. Like a father and a twother
  1. Like a woman and a man
  1. We can sing along together
  1. just enjoy until it's over
  1. It don't need to last forever
  1. But if we want it to, it can
  1. La-la, la-la, la-la-la
  1. La-la, la-la, la-la-la
  1. La-la, la-la, la-la-la
  1. La-la, la-la, la-la-la
  1. Maybe it don't mean a thing
  1. But it's a pretty little tune
  1. It's a song I like to sing
  1. That I love to sing with you

- [trilling]

- # Arriba!

- [whooping]

- # Cha, cha, cha! #

[applause]

Well, we've just about come down to the end of another one. Before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest stars

Kris Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge.

Thanks for having us, Kermit.

It was a lot of fun.

Oh, good.

- Yeah. Kermit, where's Gonzo?

Gonzo. Oh, He was, Uh...

- [clucking]

Oh, Gonzo.

Shh! I'm only pretending. My autographs will be worth a fortune.

Gonzo!

Good night! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

You know, they can improve the whole show if they just change the ending.

How?
Put it closer to the beginning.

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