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Episode 224: Cloris Leachman/transcript

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Cold open

Theme

Opening number

Backstage

Operetta Medley

Backstage

Fozzie's comedy act

The Swedish Pig

UK spot: Vegetarian's Hospital / Muppet newsflash

Backstage

Pigs in Space

Backstage

"Just in Time"

Goodnights

[Knocking]

Cloris Leachman. Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Leachman.

OK, Scooter, I'll be ready. And thank you for this lunch.

I just hope he remembered that I don't eat meat of any kind.

[All] Oh, yeah!

Aw! And you'll be happy to know that I am a vegetarian.

[Booing and hissing]

[Drumroll]

It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Cloris Leachman!

[Applause and whistles]

  1. Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light
  1. Lt's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight
  1. Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right
  1. Lt's time to get things started

Quit while you're ahead!

  1. Lt's time to get things started
  1. On the most sensational, inspirational
  1. Celebrational, Muppetational
  1. This is what we call The Muppet Show! #

[high-pitched squeaking]

Thank you! And welcome to The Muppet Show.

You're gonna love tonight's show.

Our guest is the star of television and films, Miss Cloris Leachman!

  - But, first, let's get...    - [shouting]
  - What are you guys doing?    - Pigs are taking over the show.
  - Yeah!    - You'll never get away with it!

Wanna bet?

We did it! We did it!

Hello! Kermit the Pig here.

Hey, welcome to The Muppet Show.

  - Let's open the festivities...    - What's going on here?
  - Where's my frog?    - We pigs have taken over the show.

Well, hoo-ha. Where's my frog, huh? What happened to him?

  - You're starring in the opening number.    - I don't care.

If you touch one flipper of my frog...

I'm starring in the opening number?

Of course. You're the biggest pig star we've got.

We'll talk about what'shisname later.

And now, let's get the show rolling with a little pig music!

  - [Applause]    - [# That's Entertainment]

[Applause]

You know, I didn't know pigs could do that.

  - Be that talented?    - No, be that bad.

Move, move, little frog! Move! Get in there! Go on!

Kermit, Kermit. Now, listen...

Oh, Kermit. Oh, I'm so glad to see you.

It's been terrible. Kermit, do you know that the pigs have taken over the show?

  - Where are we? Is this the boiler room?    - Yes, the boiler room.

Don't worry. We will get out of here.

Of course we'll get out of here, because I, the bear, have a plan.

I am going to tie some sheets together, and we will slip out the window.

What window?

No window!

Oh, Kermit! Kermit!

We gotta bust outta here!

Kermit, Kermit. There's no telling how long they could keep us here. Look.

  - What is that?    - I started a calendar.

Kermit, it's necessary. Believe me!

  - I don't know what we're gonna do!    - Fozzie, Fozzie, do not panic.

Listen, we'll use that telephone there and call for help.

The telephone. Of course! [groans]

  - [Dial tone buzzes]    - It's working! Here, Kermit.

This... This... This may take longer than I thought.

Here's our special guest, Miss Cloris Leachman, in a classic piece of...

  - I'm sorry, but I must stop you.    - Did I get your name wrong?
  - No, no, that's not it.    - You don't like the dress?
  - It's OK for the number I'm doing.    - You don't like the number?

No, it's OK for the dress I'm wearing.

But it's a great number. You and Sweetums'll be terrific.

My number with Sweetums comes at the end of the show.

That's my mistake. Excuse me. Sweetums, back to the dressing room.

Go on, back.

OK, cut, cut. That is not Sweetums, and you are not Kermit.

  - Yes, I am.    - Oh, no.

I've seen The Muppet Show many times,

and you don't look anything like the Muppets that I've seen.

  - Maybe it's your television set.    - No, it is not the set.

You're green, and you've got that

darling, funny, pointy collar Kermit used to wear.

  - But you're not Kermit.    - Oh, yes, I am.

All right, then. I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-l-G.

You are not a frog. F-R-O-G.

  - But...    - No, no, no. You are not a frog.

Nothing you can say will ever convince me that you are a frog. Nothing.

Ribbit.

  - Ribbit, ribbit.    - Kermit, it is you.
  - [Snorts]    - What?

Nothing. Ribbit.

Finish the introductions, Kermit. It must be the eyes. They must be going.

And now, once again, our special guest, Miss Cloris Leachman!

[Applause]

[# My Hero]

[# Ah, Sweet Mystery of Life, serenade from Student Prince]

[Drumming]

[# Stout-Hearted Men]

[Applause]

OK, Kermit, listen, when the pig comes in,

I'll clobber him, and then we run for our lives.

  - [Keys jangling]    - Here we go.
  - Get in that cell!    - Got ya!

[Screams]

Are you crazy? That really hurt.

Gonzo, I'm sorry. I thought you were a pig.

Terrific. Terrific. First he clobbers me, then he insults me.

Hey, Gonzo, what's happening with the show?

It's going great. They've got this new MC and the audience loves him.

  - Kermit the Pig.    - Kermit the Pig?

Easy, easy, Kermit. Don't take it so personally.

And the new comedian, Fozzie the Pig...

Boy, is he funny!

We gotta get outta here!

We will get out of here. Look what I smuggled in.

  - A spoon?    - Mmm-hmm.
  - Gonzo, we wanna escape, not eat!    - We will escape.

I'm gonna dig a tunnel with it.

I think we're gonna be here a while.

And now it's time for everybody's favorite funny pig,

that great big lovable ham who's really a boar, and proud of it,

  - Mr. Fozzie Pig!    - [Applause]

Hiya, hiya, hiya! I'm really hot tonight.

I guess you could say the fat's in the fire. Aah!

Speaking of fat, my wife is so fat that when she brings home the bacon,

it takes three guys to bring home the bacon.

[Chuckling] Say, his new material isn't bad.

Yes, but his new haircut is awful.

Rolling right along, folks, it's really great to be here entertaining you,

but next year I'm going back to school.

Yeah, you see, get this... You see, I still got a lot to loin.

Get it? Pork? Loin?

  - Now I know it's the haircut.    - Mmm.

Yeah, but, well, I could do this all night.

Yeah, but my sauerkraut is double-porked.

Get it? Double-porked? Porked.

Hoga, hoga, hoga, hoga.

  - Sauerkraut?    - Double-porked.
  - It's the worst.    - Worst.
  - The worst.    - The worst.

The worst.

[Sings in mock Swedish]

  1. Oink, oink
  1. Oink, oink, oink

[mock Swedish] Popper corn.

[Mock Swedish]

Corn, oink, oink, oink, oink.

Oink, oink, pupcorn pupper.

Oinker!

Pupcorn. Oinker, oinker, oinker. Oink, oink.

[Man] And now, Vegetarian's Hospital,

the story of a pig-headed quack who's gone hog wild.

[Humming]

Here's your next case, doctor.

This is a dish of fruits and vegetables.

It's all right. They have group insurance.

Group insurance? They'd better have grape insurance.

Here's a nice bunch.

  - What's the problem here?    - Well, the corn has a bad ear.

The potato has a bad eye.

  - And the eggplant...    - Yes?

The eggplant has a bad yolk.

Well, that makes two of you.

  - Well, let's start with the corn.    - You already have.

Oh, doctor, you really know your vegetables.

Well, that's why they pay me a big celery.

Celery!

[Man] And so, once again, for the first time,

we come to the close of Vegetarian's Hospital.

Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Pig say...

  - And now, lettuce operate.    - Lettuce operate!

Here is a Muppet newsflash.

The eminent research scientist, Dr. Bunsen Honeypig, today announced

he had successfully converted a sow's ear into a silk purse.

Dr. Honeypig is now the object of a massive civil and criminal suit

by the wife of a neighborhood artist, Mrs. Vincent van Gogh Pig.

[Spoon banging]

  - How's it going, guys?    - Oh, it's terrific.

Gonzo's digging and I'm going to smuggle the dirt out in my hat.

  - Or not.    - [Keys jangling]

Kermie? Oh, Kermie, are you all right?

Well, yes, I guess so.

Kermie, I just want you to know that I have had nothing to do, whatsoever,

with the taking over of this show.

I have ref... No, really, I have refused to cooperate.

Yes, and, Kermie, I am going to stay here with you.

You really... Oh, that's very nice of you, Miss Piggy.

Kermie, my loyalty is here... with my frog.

  - You really mean it?    - Mmm-hmm.

Pigs in Space on next.

You have to cancel it.

  - I remain with my sweetheart, Kermie.    - Oh, gee, Miss Piggy.

OK, we'll just get someone to take your place.

  - Take my place?!    - If you wanna stay here with him.

Well...

Bye.

That's showbiz, pal. [laughs]

[Man] And now, Pigs in Space!

Starring the quixotic, Captain Link Hogthrob,

the vacuous first mate, Miss Piggy

and the somnambulistic Dr. Julius Strangepork.

As we left the Swinetrek last time,

it was under attack from an alien thing.

  - [Alarm beeping]    - Battle stations! Battle stations!
  - Condition red!    - Man the guns!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

  - What is it, my captain?    - Are you hit, Link?

Oh! No, I've got a spot on my uniform.

Oh...

  - There it is!    - Here it is. Right here by my epaulet.

There. And I just had it cleaned on Tuesday.

  - Look. It's stopped shooting.    - Oh, maybe it will sponge off.
  - What is it?    - I don't know.

I don't know, either. It appears to be... I mean, it looks like...

  - It is! It's chopped liver!    - [Screaming]

No, I think it's ketchup.

No, no, not there, lardhead. There!

Oh! Oh! Oh! It is! It is!

It's chopped liver! Oh, not chopped liver! Anything but chopped liver!

  - What's wrong with chopped liver?    - It gives me gas.

[Hiccups]

Try holding your breath and counting to five or six hundred.

  - One, two, three, four...    - No, no, you twit!

Don't you understand?

That is the chopped-liver monster from the galaxy Zabor.

It's hideous.

Hideous? For 1.60 a pound, you want beautiful?

[Man] Tune in, again, next time for another digestive episode

of Pigs in Space!

Pigs may have taken over, but there's one thing they haven't changed.

  - What's that?    - It's still not funny.

[Gonzo digging]

  - How's Gonzo doing?    - Pretty good, I guess.
  - I can't even see him anymore.    - [Keys jangling]
  - Hey, Kermit, we're free!    - Really?

What happened?

Someone next door was holding a hog-calling contest,

so they all heard it and ran off.

What a plot twist!

How amazing! How unbelievable!

How convenient. I'll get on stage. You tell Gonzo.

Yes, sir.

[Echoing] Hey, Gonzo!

He's made a lot of progress with that teaspoon.

I'm coming!

Well, things have been a little bit strange here tonight,

but someone we can always depend on is the wonderful Miss Cloris Leachman.

We take you now to a desert island, where the coconuts and guest stars grow.

[Applause]

[Gasping]

Oh, dear! Oh!

Oh, gracious. I thought I'd never make it.

[Waves crashing]

Whoa!

Ah-ha! Pretty blonde lady!

  - [Chuckles]    - Hello.

Pretty blonde lady make good fondue?

That depends.

Are you thinking of me as the cook or the dish?

  - Well, you're quite a dish.    - That does it. I'm leaving.

Where nice lady come from?

Didn't you see that shipwreck out there?

I caused that shipwreck out there.

  - [Chuckling]    - I believe it.

With breath like that, you could sink an armada.

Oh, look. Water.

Oh, good. Sweetums thirsty.

  - Oh, I'm so thirsty.    - Tough luck, kid.

Look, up there! Quick!

Sweetums not fall for that old gag.

Oh! Oh!

That does it! Sweetums and nice lady not be friends after all!

  - Now, now, hold on. Wait a minute.    - [Growls]

Hold on. Hold on!

Hold on. Just a moment.

[Screams]

Hey, someone call for help?

Oh, thank heavens.

Oh, your timing is perfect.

[# Just in time]

No.

[Applause]

  - That's lovely. Only got one question.    - What's that?

Sweetums, is this the cook or the dish?

Dish!

What? Oh! Help!

[Applause]

That's about all the time we have, but before we go,

let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star,

ladies and gentlemen, Miss Cloris Leachman!

[Applause]

Thank you. Oh, Kermit, I've had a wonderful time.

  - Oh, good.    - Thank you so...

Freedom is mine!

  - What are you doing here, Kermit?    - Never mind. I'll tell you later.

Oh, boy, Kermit. It certainly has been different around here tonight.

I don't know how to explain to you about those pigs.

  - Where did those pigs come from?    - And where did they go?

Who would organize a hog-calling contest?

It was amazing. It was bizarre.

It was easy.

Cloris, you did that for us?

Well, I'm from lowa.

You must be a great hog-caller.

Soo-eee! Piggy, piggy, piggy!

We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

  - That was weird.    - I'll tell the world.
  - Go ahead.    - That was weird.
  - Weird! Weird!    - Weird! Weird!

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