Episode 223: John Cleese/transcript

Cold open

	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter	John Cleese. Oh, fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Cleese.
	John, tied up and gagged, writhes in his chair.
Scooter	Well, it's no use struggling, Mr. Cleese. You can't leave until you've done the show.
	Scooter exits. John rolls his eyes.

Theme

Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. John Cleese! Waahh!
	The curtain opens and the theme begins.
Statler	Well, they'll never get this started.
	Gonzo plays his trumpet note perfectly; he looks surprised.

Opening number

	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Hi-ho, and welcome to another Muppet Show. Hey, we're going to have a fantastic show for you tonight, because our guest star is one of the reigning geniuses behind Monty Python's Flying Circus, Mr. John Cleese!
	Applause. Fozzie enters.
Fozzie	Excuse me — Kermit, uh, here's a note from the stagehands up in the rafters. (exits)
Kermit	Hmm? Uh … let's see. It says, uh, "Dear Kermit. We are sorry we dropped that heavy weight, but we hope it doesn't do any damage when it hits the floor."
	He is startled when a roped weight drops inches away from him.
Kermit	Um, "P.S. Actually, we dropped two weights…"
	He is startled when a second roped weight drops inches away from him.
Kermit	Um … hey, why don't you guys watch the opening number? I'm gonna lie down for a while. (faints)
	Lubbock Lou and His Jughuggers sing "Somebody Stole My Gal".
	Waldorf sucks his thumb.
Statler	What's wrong with you?
Waldorf	Mm. I got a sore thumb.
Statler	Why don't you get it taken care of?
Waldorf	It keeps my mind off the show.
	They chuckle.

Gonzo's stunt

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	And now, to appease the intellectuals of our audience, the Great Gonzo will catch a cannonball with his bare hand, as fired from a muzzle-loading cannon! Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!
Gonzo	Thank you. The Great Gonzo. (bows) The bare hand … the muzzle-loading cannon … the lovely assistant, Crazy Harry! I must ask for complete silence from the audience for this act.
	A drumroll sounds. Gonzo goes to the opposite end of the stage and sticks out his hand.
Gonzo	Ready? Three, two, one! Fire!
	Crazy Harry fires the cannon. The cannonball knocks Gonzo off the stage.
Kermit	It's okay. Everything is fine, folks. Gonzo merely got knocked offstage by the impact, but I think... Yes, he caught the cannonball!
Waldorf	Well, I've seen my share of cannonball-catching acts, but that had something different.
Statler	What was that?
Waldorf	A survivor.
	They chuckle.

Backstage

	Fozzie and Floyd see Gonzo coming.
Fozzie	Oh, oh — hey, have you heard about the new police show starring Gonzo the Great?
Floyd	No, what's it called?
Fozzie	The, uh, Long Arm of the Law. (laughs with Floyd)
Gonzo	Very funny. Very droll bear.
Kermit	Okay, uh, what's next, now?
John	Uh, Kermit, may I have a word with you please?
Kermit	Hey, it's John Cleese!
	Applause as John comes downstairs.
John	Kermit, I am not pleased.
Kermit	Oh, uh, John, what's wrong?
John	Kermit, this place is infested with pigs.
Kermit	So?
John	I don't wanna work with them.
	Some pigs pass by.
Pig (RH)	Hi, John. Nice to have you on the show.
John	(pleasantly) Hi, fellas.
	He winces when they exit, and whips out a contract.
John	That's why every one of my contracts has a standard "no pigs" clause.
Kermit	A "no pigs" clause?
John	Uhh, here we are. It says, "I only work with the frog..." That's you, right?
Kermit	Uh, check.
John	Uh, "…the bear and the ugly, disgusting little one who catches cannonballs." That's it, no pigs, and that goes for monsters, too.
Kermit	Yeah, but uh …
	A monster grabs the contract and eats it.
John	I'd like to speak to my agent, please, Kermit.
Kermit	Uh, well, sure, John. Where is he?
John	Over there.
	Another monster is seen devouring a pair of feet.
John	Okay, uh, what do I do with the pigs, Kermit?
Kermit	Well, uh …
	John smiles as the pigs clamor around him.

Muppet newsflash

Newsman	Here's a Muppet newsflash. (runs to the desk) Science has recently discovered a process which may go a long way towards solving the world's food crisis. Dr. William Edgar of Chicago, Illinois, reports he has found a method of synthesizing Italian dinners out of wool. At a recent press conference, Edgar demonstrated his process by knitting a tureen of minestrone, while his wife, Nancy, crocheted meatballs.
	He tosses away the paper and exits.

"Rowlf's Polka"

	Rowlf plays "Rowlf's Polka", accompanied by a chicken. At the end of the number, the chicken clucks and rushes offstage.
Rowlf	Usually this bird's a great performer … (picks up an egg) … but tonight she laid an egg. (shrugs)

Pigs in Space

Announcer	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! Starring the acrophobic Captain Link Hogthrob … the illustrious first mate, Miss Piggy … and the sesquipedalian Dr. Strangepork. As we join our story today...
	... Link is the only one on the ship.
Link Hogthrob	Ah, me. These long, late night watches. Ah, the loneliness of command.
	John, a pirate, enters brandishing a sword, with a parrot on his shoulder.
John	Ha-ha! Avast there!
Link Hogthrob	What the hey?
John	Ha-ha! This 'ere ship be under siege!
	He strikes a piece of equipment, which breaks.
Link Hogthrob	I beg your pardon. Who are you?
John	I be Long John Silverstein! (laughs) Deadliest pirate of the seven seas.
Link Hogthrob	Y-You can't be a pirate.
John	Of course I'm a pirate. I've got a hat, a parrot and a hook. What else should I be? A management consultant?
Link Hogthrob	Okay, so you're a pirate.
John	So I'm a pirate.
	He laughs and displays his hook with his right hand.
Parrot	Wrong hand, stupid.
John	What?
Parrot	The hook was on the left hand.
John	(grabs parrot) Don't nag me now. I'm in the middle of laying siege. (places parrot on broken machine)
Parrot	We were going to spend the evening at home.
John	Not now.
Parrot	It's always the same.
Link Hogthrob	Well, listen, uh, what is that you want exactly?
John	I'll tell ye, captain. I be master of this ship now.
	He looks around for his eye patch.
Parrot	Oh, I told you, just wear an eye patch, leave the hook at home. But you wouldn't listen.
John	Button your beak.
Link Hogthrob	This is all ridiculous. This is a spaceship.
John	What?
Link Hogthrob	This is the Swinetrek, bound for the other side of the universe. You're supposed to be on an ocean someplace.
Parrot	See? I told you so.
John	Shut up.
Parrot	Oh, sure. Shut up, shut up. Sure, yeah. But when you want somebody at home to share a cracker with or something, that's different. Just find somebody else to talk...
	John slaps the parrot.
John	Watch it!
	The parrot snaps at his finger. They get into a scuffle.
Link Hogthrob	Uh, excuse me.
John	Sorry. Aah! Sorry. Okay? … Where be the crew of this 'ere tub now, cap'n?
Link Hogthrob	Well, they're asleep. If you want 'em, you can call 'em on the intercom on the wall.
John	A pirate don't use an intercom! (glances at parrot) T'would be sissy!
Parrot	Don't be so fussy.
John	Oh, all right. (goes to the wall) — HA! This be no intercom! This be a pay phone!
Link Hogthrob	I know. It's a design flaw that slipped by us.
John	Pigs! (picks up the receiver) Where be me doubloon?
	He drops several coins from his pocket.
Parrot	Look at those doubloons! Aww, we were broke, you said. That's why you didn't take me to dinner! We had to capture a ship, you said.
John	Listen, will you just...?
Parrot	Aww! You used to take me out all the time!
John	Later! We'll discuss it later.
Parrot	You don't love me anymore.
John	Of course I love you. I am working now.
Parrot	And you're making a lousy job of it.
John	(aims pistol at parrot) You wanna be an ex-parrot?
	He fires a hole in the ship's ceiling. Water starts gushing from it.
Link Hogthrob	Oh, wait a minute. Two can play at that game. Take this.
	Link shoots another hole in the ceiling with a ray gun. Water starts gushing from it. Some alarms sound, and equipment begins to short out. John and the parrot run around aimlessly as Link tries to control the ship.
John	Abandon spaceship!
Link Hogthrob	This has never happened before.
John	Man the bilge pumps!
Parrot	Man the bilge pumps!
John	Prepare the hollandaise!
Parrot	Prepare the hollandaise!
John	Deliver the punch line!
Parrot	We already did that!
	The scene ends in chaos. The ship sails away as the closing music plays.
Announcer	PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Statler	(laughs) Now that was hilarious.
Waldorf	Yes, it was really funny.
Statler	Do you suppose they meant it to be?

Backstage

Gonzo	(sigh) Fozzie, what am I gonna do with this arm?
	Zoom out to reveal that Fozzie has hung his clothes on Gonzo's long arm.
Fozzie	Oh, don't worry, Gonzo. I'll be back later when they're dry. Ahhh!

At the Dance

	Couples dance in a ballroom.
Man (JN)	So I says to the waiter, I says, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup." And the waiter says, "Shh, not so loud. Everybody'll be wanting one."
Woman	(nods) Hmm.
	Switch to another couple.
Woman (FO)	So I said to the waiter, I said, "Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?" And the waiter said, "Looks like the backstroke."
	Switch to another couple.
Man (DG)	So I says to the waiter, I says, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup." And the waiter says, "What's the matter? You ordered a mosquito?"
	Switch to Kermit and Miss Mousey.
Kermit	So I said to the waiter, I said, "What's this fly doing in my alphabet soup?" And he said, "Standing in for the apostrophe."
	Switch to two waiters.
Waiter (RH)	My, what a tough night I've had tonight.
Waiter (JN)	Oh, yeah. Me too. The chef ran out of flies halfway through dinner.
Waiter (RH)	One, two, three, dip.
	They dip their trays, drop their glasses and dance.

UK spot

	Dressed as a pregnant, jilted bride, Miss Piggy takes the stage and sings.
Miss Piggy	I'm in a nice bit of trouble, I confess; Somebody with me has had a game. I should by now be a proud and happy bride, But I've still got to keep my single name. I was proposed to by Obediah Binks In a very gentlemanly way; Lent him all my money so that he could buy a home, And punctually at twelve o'clock to-day… There was I, waiting at the church, Waiting at the church, waiting at the church; When I found he'd left me in the lurch, Lord, how it did upset me!
	She signals for Kermit. He enters.
Miss Piggy	All at once, he sent me round a note Here's the very note, this is what he wrote…
Kermit	"Can't get away to marry you today, My wife, won't let me!"
Miss Piggy	Very good, Kermie.
Kermit	Uh, thank you, but it's just a song, you know, I don't have a wife.
Miss Piggy	Mmm-hmm. Not yet.
Kermit	I don't intend to have one, either.
Miss Piggy	Are you ready?!
Kermit	Uh, yes.
Miss Piggy	Ahem!
	They do one more chorus. Applause.
Kermit	Now will you take that silly pillow out from under your dress?
Miss Piggy	(aggressively) I like it! (Kermit backs away)

"Two Lost Souls"

	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit	And now, a musical duet featuring Gonzo the Great and my little nephew, Robin...
Robin	Psst! Psst! Uncle Kermit!
Kermit	Uh, yeah?
Robin	Gonzo says he can't sing with a long arm.
Kermit	Shall we cancel?
Robin	No, no, I'm doing it with Sweetums.
Kermit	Sweetums?
Robin	Just introduce us, okay? (departs)
Kermit	Sweetums is nine feet tall. Oh, well, whatever. Here they are, ahem, the low and the mighty, Robin and Sweetums.
	Robin and Sweetums sit on a throne and sing "Two Lost Souls".

Backstage

Floyd	Hey, Fozzie, what is red and woolly and five feet long?
Fozzie	Oh, uh, I don't know, Floyd. What is red and woolly and five feet long?
Floyd	A mitten for Gonzo the Great.
	They laugh at Gonzo.
Gonzo	Oh, good, yes, just what the world needs. Humorous hip persons.

Dressing room

	John powders his face. Gonzo enters.
Gonzo	Mr. Cleese, what am I gonna do?
John	Uh, which one are you?
Gonzo	I'm the ugly, disgusting one who catches cannonballs.
John	Ah, yes.
Gonzo	(sigh) Look at me.
John	Yes, it's horrible, isn't it? (touches Gonzo's nose) Still, not to worry, I know a plastic surgeon who can fix you up. Give you a little Roman number, something cute.
Gonzo	No, Mr. Cleese, it's not my nose. It's my arm.
John	Is it? Well, why is it in the middle of your face?
Gonzo	(sigh) Mr. Cleese, just forget about the nose, please.
John	Well, I'll try, but I can't promise anything. Now, um, what's wrong with this arm of yours?
Gonzo	It's about five feet long.
John	Isn't that enough?
Gonzo	Well, look at the other one.
John	Yes. I don't think the nose is the problem.
Gonzo	(sigh) Look, all I want is both my arms to be the same length again.
John	All right. Once when I was in the Himalayas, Gonzo, I met a wise old man who taught me the ancient art of Dao Xo Xing Wa.
Gonzo	Were both his arms the same length?
John	As what?
Gonzo	As each other?
John	Well, some of them were, yes.
	He places Gonzo on the table.
John	Now, uh, lie down, please. And I want you to keep repeating something over and over again. You understand?
Gonzo	Something, something, something...
	John stretches Gonzo's other arm out to the same length.
Gonzo	Something, something, something... Are you done?
John	There we are, Gonzo. Both your arms are the same length.
Gonzo	Oh, no. I wanted them both short.
John	What?
Gonzo	Short!
John	Oh, picky, picky, picky! Stand up. Are those your legs?
Gonzo	Yes.
John	Right, sit. Now, get your arms out of the way. Oh, Gonzo. …
	He stretches Gonzo's legs to five feet, which shortens his arms to boot.
John	There. Happy?
Gonzo	No, I can't tie my shoes!
John	What?
Gonzo	Shoes!
	He stretches Gonzo's arms to reach Gonzo's feet.
John	There. All right?
Gonzo	Well...
John	What?! What?! What?! You want me to do something else?!
Gonzo	No! I'm fine! Fine, no problem.
John	Good. Well, just pull yourself together.
Gonzo	I wish I could.

Planet Koozebane

Kermit	Hi-ho. This is Kermit the Frog, talking to you from the planet Koozebane, where I'm about to interview one of the most unusual of the Koozbanians, I refer to the Koozebanian Spooble.
Spooble	Hi there, Kermit. Pleasure to be here.
Kermit	Mmm-hmm. Uh, you will note that the, uh, Spooble is composed almost entirely of, uh… ahem … liquid.
Spooble	You betcha. Or as they say on Koozebane, we Spoobles are all wet! Ho ho! That's a big joke with us Spoobles.
Kermit	Uh, check.
Spooble	Listen, do you like my jar?
Kermit	Your, uh, jar?
Spooble	Oh, it's the latest. See-through sides, convertible top. I'm not even wearing the cap.
Kermit	Uh-huh, yeah. It's uh, very nice.
Spooble	My wife said that for a TV interview I should wear my crystal vase. Humph. But, you know, I wanted to be casual.
Kermit	Yeah, well, listen, uh, the jar is just swell, Spoob.
Spooble	Oh, I'm glad it's not winter. I hate wearing those ugly thermos bottles.
Kermit	Uh-huh. Right. Okay, well, there you have it, folks. Once again, it's been an unusual and informative visit with another creature from another planet, and so, mister …
	The Spooble is sipped away by a pink straw-nosed creature.
Kermit	Well, um... Uh... Well, there you have it, folks, uh, for the first time in history, a Koozbanian has been drunk on television.
	The pink creature hiccups and walks away.
Waldorf	What do you suppose would happen to a Spooble if you put him in a kettle and turned the heat on under him?
Statler	Oh, he'd probably get steamed.
Waldorf	(laughs)

Closing number

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	And now, ladies and gentlemen, here is our very special guest star to sing, "To Dream the Impossible Dream". Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. John Cleese!
	Three sets of curtains open to reveal John on stage. An orchestral vamp plays.
John	Kermit. Kermit. Could I speak to you, please?
Kermit	Uh, yeah, what is it, John?
John	What's going on?
Kermit	Uh, well, nothing. You just missed your cue, that's all.
John	What?
Kermit	See, that was an intro and then you're supposed to sing, "To dream the impossible dream …" You know, like that.
John	You can't be serious.
Kermit	Uh, yeah.
John	Kermit, I don't do old show tunes.
Kermit	Oh. Oh, well, I'm sorry. That — that — that's our mistake. I-I'm sorry. We just got confused. We'll just take it — uh, curtains!
	The curtain closes. Kermit re-emerges.
Kermit	Okay, uh, well, uh, here he is, our very special guest star, Mr. John Cleese!
	The curtain opens to reveal John and Sweetums in Wagnerian outfits. Sweetums sings a passage from "Ride of the Valkyries".
John	Right! Where's the frog?! Where's the frog?! (to Sweetums) Shut up. Shut up! Kill the music. Cut the music. (the music stops) Where's the frog?
Sweetums	We didn't finish yet.
John	No, and we're not going to.
Sweetums	I didn't get to do my cadenza.
Kermit	Uh, what is it, John?
John	Kermit, this is mad. I mean, the moment the curtain came down, three monsters grabbed me and stuffed me into this. I mean, Wagnerian opera?
Sweetums	You would have loved my cadenza.
John	I'd have hated your lousy cadenza.
Kermit	Uh, well, what can I say, John? I-I-I'm terribly sorry. It's all our fault. We'll just, uh, just take it again. Give us one last chance, would you?
John	One.
	Sweetums laughs. John punches him, but misses and hits the shield. Sweetums laughs some more, until John steps on his foot. The curtain closes.
Kermit	Okay, uh, well, uh, we had a few, uh, false starts here, but, uh, okay, here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. John Cleese!
	The curtain opens on John in a Latin outfit with maracas and a false mustache. Mexican music plays.
John	Right, I'm leaving.
Kermit	Wait, John! Whoa! What's the matter?
John	Kermit, I am not gonna do some cloth-eared Mexican maracas solo!
Kermit	It doesn't have to be a solo, John.
	Three pigs surround him, cheering.
John	That does not help!
Kermit	Oh, no? Well, how about this? Everybody, come on!
	Sweetums, Blue Frackle, a monster and two chickens join them.
John	Kermit, there is no way I'll do a song!
	Kermit conducts the other Muppets.
Muppets	(harmonizing) There is no way he'll do a song.
John	Please stop this at once!
Muppets	(harmonizing) We will stop this at once.
John	This is not funny.
Muppets	(harmonizing) Oh, we hope this is funny.
John	(removes the mustache) Right! I'm leaving. (they stop him)
Muppets	(harmonizing) He's leaving. He came into our life, but now he's leaving.
John	You are supposed to be my host! How can you do this to me? Kermit, I am your guest!
Muppets	(harmonizing) This is your guest, To follow that star, No matter how hopeless, No matter how far To dream the impossible dream!
	John lividly stands still, as the Muppets sway him back and forth and raise his arms. When the song is done, John strangles Kermit in a rage, but then sees the audience cheering for him, and gingerly takes bows as flowers are thrown.

Goodnights

Kermit	Okay, well, that about wraps it up for another one, but before we go, we'd like to have a warm thank you to our special guest star, Mr. John Cleese!
	Applause as John emerges in a tux.
John	Thank you, Kermit. Well, it's been really wonderful being on the show, ladies and gentlemen. I very much hope you'll buy my new record album, John Cleese: A Man and his Music.
Kermit	Okay, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
	The Muppets hound him as the credits roll.
Statler	Well, see you next time.
Waldorf	Yeah, unless I get lucky and break a leg.
	They chuckle.