Cold open

Theme

Opening number

Gonzo's stunt

Backstage

Muppet newsflash

"Rowlf's Polka"

Pigs in Space

Backstage

At the Dance

UK spot

"Two Lost Souls"

Backstage

Dressing room

Planet Koozebane

Closing number

Goodnights

[Knocking]

John Cleese. Oh, fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Cleese.

Well, it's no use struggling, Mr. Cleese. You can't leave until you've done the show.

[Drumroll]

It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. John Cleese! Wah!

[Applause and whistles]

  1. Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light
  1. Lt's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight
  1. Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right
  1. Lt's time to get things started

Well, they'll never get this started.

  1. Lt's time to get things started
  1. On the most sensational, inspirational
  1. Celebrational, Muppetational
  1. This is what we call The Muppet Show #

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Hi-ho and welcome to another Muppet Show. We're going to have a fantastic show tonight, because our guest star is one of the geniuses behind Monty Python's Flying Circus, Mr. John Cleese!

Kermit, here's a note from the stagehands up in the rafters. Let's see. It says, "Dear Kermit. We are sorry we dropped that heavy weight, but we hope it doesn't do any damage when it hits the floor. P.S. Actually, we dropped two weights."

Why don't you guys watch the opening number? I'm gonna lie down for a while.

[# Somebody Stole My Gal]

Go get it, Gramps!

What's wrong with you?

I got a sore thumb.

Why don't you get it taken care of?

It keeps my mind off the show.

And now, to appease the intellectuals of our audience, the Great Gonzo will catch a cannonball with his bare hand, as fired from a muzzle-loading cannon. Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!

Thank you. The Great Gonzo. The bare hand. The muzzle-loading cannon. The lovely assistant, Crazy Harry. I must ask for complete silence from the audience for this act.

Ready? Three, two, one! Fire!

It's OK. Everything is fine, folks. Gonzo merely got knocked offstage by the impact, but I think... Yes, he caught the cannonball!

I've seen my share of cannonball-catching acts, but that had something different.

What was that?

A survivor.

Hey, have you heard about the new police show starring Gonzo the Great?

No, what's it called?

The Long Arm of the Law.

Very funny. Very droll bear.

OK, what's next, now?

Kermit, may I have a word with you?

Hey, it's John Cleese!

Kermit, I am not pleased.

John, what's wrong?

Kermit, this place is infested with pigs.

So?

I don't wanna work with them.

Hi, John. Hi, Kermit.

Hi, fellas.

That's why every one of my contracts has a standard no-pigs clause.

A no-pigs clause?

Here we are. It says, "I only work with the frog..." That's you, right?

Check.

“...the bear and the ugly, disgusting little one who catches cannonballs.” That's it, no pigs, and that goes for monsters, too.

Mmm.

I'd like to speak to my agent, please.

Sure. Where is he?

Over there.

OK, what do I do with the pigs, Kermit?

[Man] Here's a Muppet newsflash. Science has discovered a process which may go a long way towards solving the world's food crisis. Dr. William Edgar of Chicago, Illinois, reports he has found a method of synthesizing Italian dinners out of wool. At a press conference, Edgar demonstrated his process by knitting a tureen of minestrone, while his wife, Nancy, crocheted meatballs.

Usually this bird's a great performer, but tonight she laid an egg.

[Man] And now, Pigs in Space! Starring the acrophobic Captain Link Hogthrob, the illustrious first mate, Miss Piggy. And the sesquipedalian, Dr. Strangepork. As we join our story today...

[moaning] Oh, these long, late night watches.

Oh, the loneliness of command.

Ha-ha! Avast there!

What the hey?

Ha-ha! This 'ere ship be under siege!

I beg your pardon. Who are you?

I be Long John Silverstein. Deadliest pirate of the seven seas.

You can't be a pirate.

Of course I'm a pirate. I've got a hat, a parrot and a hook. What else should I be? A management consultant?

OK, so you're a pirate.

So I'm a pirate.

Wrong hand, stupid.

What?

The hook was on the left hand.

Don't nag me now. I'm in the middle of laying siege.

We were going to spend the evening at home.

Not now.

It's always the same.

Listen, what is that you want exactly?

I'll tell ye, captain. I be master of this ship now.

I told you, just wear an eye patch, leave the hook at home. But you wouldn't listen.

Button your beak.

This is all ridiculous. This is a spaceship.

What?

This is the Swinetrek, bound for the other side of the universe. You're supposed to be on an ocean someplace.

See? I told you so.

Shut up.

Oh, sure. Shut up, shut up. Sure, yeah. When you want somebody at home to share a cracker with, that's different.

Just find somebody else to talk...

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Aah! Sorry. OK?

Where be the crew of this 'ere tub now, captain?

They're asleep. If you want 'em, you can call them on the intercom on the wall.

A pirate don't use an intercom! T'would be sissy!

Don't be so fussy.

Oh, all right.

This be no intercom! This be a pay phone!

I know. It's a design flaw that slipped by us.

Pigs! Where be me doubloon?

Look at those doubloons! Oh, we were broke, you said. That's why you didn't take me to dinner. We had to capture a ship, you said.

Listen, will you just...?

You used to take me out all the time.

We'll discuss it later.

You don't love me anymore.

Of course I love you. I am working now.

And you're making a lousy job of it.

You wanna be an ex-parrot?

Oh, wait a minute. Two can play at that game. Take this.

Abandon spaceship!

This has never happened before.

Man the bilge pumps!

Man the bilge pumps!

Prepare the hollandaise!

Prepare the hollandaise!

Deliver the punch line!

We already did that!

Pigs in Space!

Now that was hilarious.

Yes, it was really funny.

Do you suppose they meant it to be?

Fozzie, what am I gonna do with this arm?

Oh, don't worry, Gonzo. I'll be back later when they're dry. Ah! So I says to the waiter, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup." And the waiter says, "Shh, not so loud. Everybody'll be wanting one."

Hmm.

So I said to the waiter, "Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?" And the waiter said, "Looks like the backstroke."

So I says to the waiter, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup." And the waiter says, "What's the matter? You ordered a mosquito?"

So I said to the waiter, "What's this fly doing in my alphabet soup?" And he said, "Standing in for the apostrophe."

My, what a tough night I've had tonight.

Oh, yeah. Me too. The chef ran out of flies halfway through dinner.

One, two, three, dip.

[# Waiting at the Church]

Very good, Kermie.

Thank you, but it's just a song. I don't have a wife.

Mmm-hmm. Not yet.

I don't intend to have one, either.

Are you ready?!

Yes.

Mmm-hmm.

Will you take that silly pillow out from under your dress?

I like it!

And now, a musical duet featuring Gonzo the Great and my little nephew, Robin...

Psst! Psst! Uncle Kermit. Gonzo says he can't sing with a long arm.

Shall we cancel?

No, I'm doing it with Sweetums.

Sweetums?

Just introduce us, OK?

Sweetums is nine feet tall. Oh, well, whatever. Here they are, the low and the mighty, Robin and Sweetums.

[# Two Lost Souls]

Hey, Fozzie, what is red and woolly and five feet long?

Oh, I don't know, Floyd. What is red and woolly and five feet long?

A mitten for Gonzo the Great.

Oh, good, yes, just what the world needs.

Humorous hip persons.

Mr. Cleese, what am I gonna do?

Which one are you?

The ugly, disgusting one who catches cannonballs.

Ah, yes.

Look at me.

Yes, horrible. Still, I know a plastic surgeon who can fix you up. Give you a little Roman number, something cute.

No, Mr. Cleese, it's not my nose. It's my arm.

Is it? Well, why is it in the middle of your face?

Just forget about the nose, please.

I'll try, but I can't promise anything. What's wrong with this arm?

It's about five feet long.

Isn't that enough?

Look at the other one.

Yes. I think the nose is the problem.

Look, all I want is both my arms to be the same length again.

All right. Once when I was in the Himalayas, Gonzo,

I met a wise old man who taught me the ancient art of Dowchochingwa.

Were both his arms the same length?

As what?

As each other?

Well, some of them were, yes.

Now, lie down, please.

I want you to keep repeating something over and over again.

You understand?

Something, something, something...

Are you done?

There we are, Gonzo. Both your arms are the same length.

Oh, no. I wanted them both short.

What?

Short!

Oh, picky, picky, picky! Stand up. Are those your legs?

Yes.

Right, sit. Now, get your arms out of the way. Oh, Gonzo. There. Happy?

No, I can't tie my shoes!

What?

Shoes!

There. All right?

Well...

What?! What?! What?! You want me to do something else?!

No! I'm fine! Fine, no problem.

Good. Well, just pull yourself together.

I wish I could.

This is Kermit the Frog talking to you from the planet Koozebane, where I'm about to interview one of the most unusual of the Koozbanians, the Koozebanian Spooble.

Hi there, Kermit. Pleasure to be here.

Mmm-hmm.

You will note that the Spooble is composed almost entirely of... liquid.

You betcha. Or as they say on Koozebane, we Spoobles are all wet! That's a big joke with us Spoobles.

Uh, check.

Listen, do you like my jar?

Your jar?

Oh, it's the latest. See-through sides, convertible top. I'm not even wearing the cap.

Uh-huh, yeah. It's very nice.

My wife said that for a TV interview I should wear my crystal vase. But, you know, I wanted to be casual.

Yeah, well, the jar is just swell.

Oh, I'm glad it's not winter. I hate wearing those ugly thermos bottles.

Right. OK, there you have it, folks. Once again, it's been an unusual and informative visit with another creature from another planet, and so...

Listen...

Well, um... Aah...

Uh... Well, there you have it, folks, for the first time in history, a Koozbanian has been drunk on television.

What do you suppose would happen to a Spooble if you put him in a kettle and turned the heat on?

Oh, he'd probably get steamed.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, here is our very special guest star to sing, To Dream the Impossible Dream. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. John Cleese!

Kermit. Kermit. Could I speak to you, please?

Yeah, what is it, John?

What's going on?

You just missed your cue, that's all.

What?

That was an intro and then you sing...

  1. To dream the impossible dream #

You know, like that.

You can't be serious.

Uh, yeah.

Kermit, I don't do old show tunes.

Oh. Oh, well, I'm sorry. That's our mistake. I'm sorry. We just got confused. We'll just... Curtains!

OK, well, here he is, our very special guest star, Mr. John Cleese!

Right! Where's the frog?!

Where's the frog?! Shut up. Shut up! Kill the music. Cut the music.

We didn't finish yet.

No, and we're not going to.

I didn't get to do my cadenza.

What is it, John?

Kermit, this is mad. The moment the curtain came down, three monsters stuffed me into this.

Wagnerian opera?

You'd have loved my cadenza.

I'd have hated your lousy cadenza.

What can I say, John? I'm terribly sorry. It's all our fault. We'll just take it again. Give us one last chance, would you?

One.

Ow!

OK, well, we had a few false starts here, but, OK, here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. John Cleese!

Right, I'm leaving.

Wait, John! Whoa! What's the matter?

Kermit, I am not gonna do some cloth-eared Mexican maracas solo!

It doesn't have to be a solo, John.

That does not help.

Oh, no? Well, how about this? Everybody, come on!

Kermit, there is no way I'll do a song.

[All] # There is no way he'll do a song

Stop it at once.

  1. We will stop this at once

This is not funny.

  1. Oh, we hope this is funny

Right! I'm leaving.

  1. He's leaving
  1. He came into our life But now he's leaving

You are supposed to be my host! How can you do this to me?

Kermit, I am your guest!

  1. This is your guest

Bravo!

OK, that about wraps it up for another one, but before we go, we'd like to have a warm thank you to our special guest star, Mr. John Cleese!

Thank you, Kermit. Well, it's been really wonderful being on the show. I hope you'll buy my new record album, John Cleese: A Man and his Music.

OK, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

Well, see you next time.

Unless I get lucky and break a leg.

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