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Episode 223: John Cleese/transcript

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00:00:08 [Knocking]

00:00:09 John Cleese. Oh, 15 seconds to curtain, Mr. Cleese.

00:00:17 Well, it's no use struggling, Mr. Cleese.

00:00:20 You can't leave until you've done the show.

00:00:25 [Drumroll]

00:00:26 It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. John Cleese! Wah!

00:00:31 [Applause and whistles]

00:00:46 # Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light

00:00:50 # Lt's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight

00:00:54 # Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right

00:00:58 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:00 Well, they'll never get this started.

00:01:02 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:04 # On the most sensational, inspirational

00:01:07 # Celebrational, Muppetational

00:01:09 # This is what we call The Muppet Show #

00:01:16 [high-pitched note]

00:01:22 - [Applause] - Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

00:01:26 Heigh-ho and welcome to another Muppet Show.

00:01:28 We're going to have a fantastic show tonight,

00:01:31 because our guest star is one of the geniuses

00:01:34 behind Monty Python's Flying Circus, Mr. John Cleese!

00:01:37 [Applause]

00:01:38 Kermit, here's a note from the stagehands up in the rafters.

00:01:43 Let's see. It says, "Dear Kermit.

00:01:46 We are sorry we dropped that heavy weight,

00:01:49 but we hope it doesn't do any damage when it hits the floor.

00:01:57 P.S. Actually, we dropped two weights."

00:02:03 Why don't you guys watch the opening number? I'm gonna lie down for a while.

00:02:14 [# Somebody Stole My Gal]

00:02:55 Go get it, Gramps!

00:03:03 [Twanging]

00:03:44 [Applause]

00:03:46 - What's wrong with you? - I got a sore thumb.

00:03:50 - Why don't you get it taken care of? - It keeps my mind off the show.

00:03:56 And now, to appease the intellectuals of our audience,

00:03:59 the Great Gonzo will catch a cannonball with his bare hand,

00:04:03 as fired from a muzzle-loading cannon.

00:04:05 Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!

00:04:09 Thank you. The Great Gonzo.

00:04:13 The bare hand.

00:04:16 The muzzle-loading cannon.

00:04:19 The lovely assistant, Crazy Harry.

00:04:23 I must ask for complete silence from the audience for this act.

00:04:28 - [Inhales deeply] - [Drumroll]

00:04:39 Ready?

00:04:40 Three, two, one! Fire!

00:04:46 - [Glass shattering] - It's OK. Everything is fine, folks.

00:04:49 Gonzo merely got knocked offstage by the impact, but I think...

00:04:53 Yes, he caught the cannonball!

00:04:56 [Applause]

00:05:01 I've seen my share of cannonball-catching acts,

00:05:03 but that had something different.

00:05:06 - What was that? - A survivor.

00:05:10 Hey, have you heard about the new police show starring Gonzo the Great?

00:05:14 - No, what's it called? - The Long Arm of the Law.

00:05:21 Very funny. Very droll bear.

00:05:26 - OK, what's next, now? - Kermit, may I have a word with you?

00:05:29 - Hey, it's John Cleese! - [Applause]

00:05:35 - Kermit, I am not pleased. - John, what's wrong?

00:05:39 Kermit, this place is infested with pigs.

00:05:41 - So? - I don't wanna work with them.

00:05:43 - Hi, John. Hi, Kermit. - Hi, fellas.

00:05:49 That's why every one of my contracts has a standard no-pigs clause.

00:05:53 A no-pigs clause?

00:05:56 Here we are. It says, "I only work with a frog..."

00:05:59 - That's you, right? - Check.

00:06:00 "...the bear and the ugly, disgusting little one who catches cannonballs."

00:06:05 That's it, no pigs, and that goes for monsters, too.

00:06:09 Mmm.

00:06:15 I'd like to speak to my agent, please.

00:06:17 - Sure. Where is he? - Over there.

00:06:19 [Man screaming]

00:06:25 OK, what do I do with the pigs, Kermit?

00:06:29 [Man] Here's a Muppet newsflash.

00:06:33 Science has discovered a process which may go a long way

00:06:36 towards solving the world's food crisis.

00:06:39 Dr. William Edgar of Chicago, Illinois, reports he has found a method

00:06:43 of synthesizing Italian dinners out of wool.

00:06:48 At a press conference, Edgar demonstrated his process

00:06:51 by knitting a tureen of minestrone,

00:06:54 while his wife, Nancy, crocheted meatballs.

00:07:00 [Plays up-tempo music]

00:07:20 [Clucks]

00:07:26 Usually this bird's a great performer, but tonight she laid an egg.

00:07:34 [Man] And now, Pigs in Space!

00:07:41 Starring the acrophobic Captain Link Hogthrob,

00:07:44 the illustrious first mate, Miss Piggy.

00:07:49 And the sesquipedalian, Dr. Strangepork.

00:07:55 As we join our story today...

00:08:06 [moaning] Oh, these long, late night watches.

00:08:12 Oh, the loneliness of command.

00:08:15 [Door beeping]

00:08:18 - Ha-ha! Avast there! - What the hey?

00:08:21 Ha-ha! This 'ere ship be under siege!

00:08:27 [Computer whirring down]

00:08:29 - I beg your pardon. Who are you? - I be Long John Silverstein.

00:08:35 [Chuckling]

00:08:36 Deadliest pirate of the seven seas.

00:08:40 You can't be a pirate.

00:08:43 Of course I'm a pirate. I've got a hat, a parrot and a hook.

00:08:46 What else should I be? A management consultant?

00:08:49 - OK, so you're a pirate. - So I'm a pirate.

00:08:52 [Chuckling]

00:08:55 - Wrong hand, stupid. - What?

00:08:57 The hook was on the left hand.

00:09:00 Don't nag me now. I'm in the middle of laying siege.

00:09:04 We were going to spend the evening at home.

00:09:07 - Not now. - It's always the same.

00:09:11 Listen, what is that you want exactly?

00:09:13 I'll tell ye, captain. I be master of this ship now.

00:09:20 I told you, just wear an eye patch, leave the hook at home.

00:09:23 - But you wouldn't listen. - Button your beak.

00:09:26 This is all ridiculous. This is a spaceship.

00:09:29 What?

00:09:30 This is the Swinetrek, bound for the other side of the universe.

00:09:33 You're supposed to be on an ocean someplace.

00:09:36 - See? I told you so. - Shut up.

00:09:39 Oh, sure. Shut up, shut up. Sure, yeah.

00:09:42 When you want somebody at home to share a cracker with, that's different.

00:09:46 - Just find somebody else to talk... - [muttering]

00:09:54 - Excuse me. - Sorry.

00:09:56 Aah! Sorry. OK?

00:09:59 Where be the crew of this 'ere tub now, captain?

00:10:04 They're asleep. If you want 'em, you can call them on the intercom on the wall.

00:10:08 A pirate don't use an intercom!

00:10:11 T'would be sissy!

00:10:14 - Don't be so fussy. - Oh, all right.

00:10:19 [Yelps] This be no intercom!

00:10:23 This be a pay phone!

00:10:27 I know. It's a design flaw that slipped by us.

00:10:30 Pigs! Where be me doubloon?

00:10:35 - [Chuckling] - [Coins clattering]

00:10:38 Look at those doubloons! Oh, we were broke, you said.

00:10:43 That's why you didn't take me to dinner. We had to capture a ship, you said.

00:10:47 - Listen, will you just...? - You used to take me out all the time.

00:10:51 - We'll discuss it later. - You don't love me anymore.

00:10:54 Of course I love you. I am working now.

00:10:56 And you're making a lousy job of it.

00:11:00 You wanna be an ex-parrot?

00:11:02 [Fires shot]

00:11:03 Oh, wait a minute. Two can play at that game. Take this.

00:11:11 - [Ship beeping and buzzing] - Abandon spaceship!

00:11:15 - This has never happened before. - Man the bilge pumps!

00:11:18 - Man the bilge pumps! - Prepare the hollandaise!

00:11:21 - Prepare the hollandaise! - Deliver the punch line!

00:11:25 We already did that!

00:11:29 - [man] Pigs in Space! - [Screaming]

00:11:34 - Now that was hilarious. - Yes, it was really funny.

00:11:38 Do you suppose they meant it to be?

00:11:44 Fozzie, what am I gonna do with this arm?

00:11:47 Oh, don't worry, Gonzo. I'll be back later when they're dry. Ah!

00:11:54 [Soft music plays]

00:11:59 So I says to the waiter, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup."

00:12:04 And the waiter says, "Shh, not so loud. Everybody'll be wanting one."

00:12:08 Hmm.

00:12:10 So I said to the waiter, "Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"

00:12:15 And the waiter said, "Looks like the backstroke."

00:12:20 So I says to the waiter, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup."

00:12:24 And the waiter says, "What's the matter? You ordered a mosquito?"

00:12:30 So I said to the waiter, "What's this fly doing in my alphabet soup?"

00:12:34 And he said, "Standing in for the apostrophe."

00:12:39 My, what a tough night I've had tonight.

00:12:41 Oh, yeah. Me too. The chef ran out of flies halfway through dinner.

00:12:45 - One, two, three, dip. - [Glasses shattering]

00:12:51 [Applause]

00:13:00 [# Waiting at the Church]

00:14:00 - Very good, Kermie. - Thank you, but it's just a song.

00:14:03 - I don't have a wife. - Mmm-hmm. Not yet.

00:14:06 I don't intend to have one, either.

00:14:08 - Are you ready?! - Yes.

00:14:26 Mmm-hmm.

00:14:43 [Applause]

00:14:45 Will you take that silly pillow out from under your dress?

00:14:48 I like it!

00:14:54 And now, a musical duet featuring Gonzo the Great and my little nephew, Robin...

00:14:58 Psst! Psst! Uncle Kermit. Gonzo says he can't sing with a long arm.

00:15:03 - Shall we cancel? - No, I'm doing it with Sweetums.

00:15:06 - Sweetums? - Just introduce us, OK?

00:15:09 Sweetums is nine feet tall. Oh, well, whatever.

00:15:12 Here they are, the low and the mighty, Robin and Sweetums.

00:15:18 [Applause]

00:15:29 [# Two Lost Souls]

00:16:49 [Applause]

00:16:54 Hey, Fozzie, what is red and woolly and five feet long?

00:17:00 Oh, I don't know, Floyd. What is red and woolly and five feet long?

00:17:04 A mitten for Gonzo the Great.

00:17:08 Oh, good, yes, just what the world needs.

00:17:11 Humorous hip persons.

00:17:17 - Mr. Cleese, what am I gonna do? - Which one are you?

00:17:21 The ugly, disgusting one who catches cannonballs.

00:17:24 - Ah, yes. - [Sighing] Look at me.

00:17:26 Yes, horrible. Still, I know a plastic surgeon who can fix you up.

00:17:30 Give you a little Roman number, something cute.

00:17:33 No, Mr. Cleese, it's not my nose. It's my arm.

00:17:36 Is it? Well, why is it in the middle of your face?

00:17:39 Just forget about the nose, please.

00:17:42 I'll try, but I can't promise anything.

00:17:44 - What's wrong with this arm? - It's about five feet long.

00:17:47 - Isn't that enough? - Look at the other one.

00:17:51 Yes. I think the nose is the problem.

00:17:55 [Groans] Look, all I want is both my arms to be the same length again.

00:18:00 All right. Once when I was in the Himalayas, Gonzo,

00:18:03 I met a wise old man who taught me the ancient art of Dowchochingwa.

00:18:08 - Were both his arms the same length? - As what?

00:18:11 - As each other? - Well, some of them were, yes.

00:18:14 Now, lie down, please.

00:18:15 I want you to keep repeating something over and over again.

00:18:19 - You understand? - Something, something, something...

00:18:23 [continues repeating "something"]

00:18:30 - Are you done? - There we are, Gonzo.

00:18:32 Both your arms are the same length.

00:18:34 Oh, no. I wanted them both short.

00:18:38 - What? - Short!

00:18:39 Oh, picky, picky, picky!

00:18:42 Stand up. Are those your legs?

00:18:46 - Yes. - Right, sit.

00:18:48 Now, get your arms out of the way. Oh, Gonzo.

00:18:51 [Straining]

00:19:00 [Panting]

00:19:03 - There. Happy? - No, I can't tie my shoes!

00:19:07 - What? - Shoes!

00:19:11 [Screams]

00:19:15 - There. All right? - Well...

00:19:18 What?! What?! What?! You want me to do something else?!

00:19:21 No! I'm fine! Fine, no problem.

00:19:24 Good. Well, just pull yourself together.

00:19:30 I wish I could.

00:19:34 This is Kermit the Frog talking to you from the planet Koozebane,

00:19:37 where I'm about to interview one of the most unusual of the Koozbanians,

00:19:41 the Koozebanian Spooble.

00:19:45 Hi there, Kermit. Pleasure to be here.

00:19:47 Mmm-hmm.

00:19:48 You will note that the Spooble is composed almost entirely of... liquid.

00:19:54 You betcha. Or as they say on Koozebane, we Spoobles are all wet! [chortles]

00:20:00 - That's a big joke with us Spoobles. - Uh, check.

00:20:03 - Listen, do you like my jar? - Your jar?

00:20:06 Oh, it's the latest. See-through sides, convertible top.

00:20:10 - I'm not even wearing the cap. - Uh-huh, yeah. It's very nice.

00:20:14 My wife said that for a TV interview I should wear my crystal vase.

00:20:19 But, you know, I wanted to be casual.

00:20:21 - Yeah, well, the jar is just swell. - Oh, I'm glad it's not winter.

00:20:25 I hate wearing those ugly thermos bottles.

00:20:28 Right. OK, there you have it, folks.

00:20:30 Once again, it's been an unusual and informative visit

00:20:33 with another creature from another planet, and so...

00:20:38 Listen...

00:20:40 - Well, um... - Aah...

00:20:43 Uh... Well, there you have it, folks, for the first time in history,

00:20:46 a Koozbanian has been drunk on television.

00:20:49 [Hiccups]

00:20:51 What do you suppose would happen to a Spooble

00:20:54 if you put him in a kettle and turned the heat on?

00:20:57 Oh, he'd probably get steamed.

00:21:01 Now, ladies and gentlemen, here is our very special guest star

00:21:05 to sing, To Dream the Lmpossible Dream.

00:21:08 Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. John Cleese!

00:21:10 [Applause and whistles]

00:21:18 Kermit. Kermit.

00:21:22 Could I speak to you, please?

00:21:24 - Yeah, what is it, John? - What's going on?

00:21:26 - You just missed your cue, that's all. - What?

00:21:29 That was an intro and then you sing...

00:21:31 # To dream the impossible dream #

00:21:33 - You know, like that. - You can't be serious.

00:21:36 - Uh, yeah. - Kermit, I don't do old show tunes.

00:21:40 Oh. Oh, well, I'm sorry. That's our mistake.

00:21:43 I'm sorry. We just got confused. We'll just... Curtains!

00:21:50 OK, well, here he is, our very special guest star, Mr. John Cleese!

00:21:55 [Applause]

00:21:57 [# Ride of the Valkyries]

00:22:00 [Singing in German]

00:22:03 Right! Where's the frog?!

00:22:06 Where's the frog?! Shut up. Shut up!

00:22:10 - Kill the music. Cut the music. - We didn't finish yet.

00:22:13 - No, and we're not going to. - I didn't get to do my cadenza.

00:22:17 - What is it, John? - Kermit, this is mad.

00:22:20 The moment the curtain came down, three monsters stuffed me into this.

00:22:24 - Wagnerian opera? - You'd have loved my cadenza.

00:22:27 I'd have hated your lousy cadenza.

00:22:30 What can I say, John? I'm terribly sorry. It's all our fault.

00:22:33 We'll just take it again. Give us one last chance, would you?

00:22:37 - One. - [Laughing]

00:22:44 Ow!

00:22:48 OK, well, we had a few false starts here,

00:22:51 but, OK, here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. John Cleese!

00:22:55 - [Mariachi music plays] - Right, I'm leaving.

00:22:57 Wait, John! Whoa! What's the matter?

00:23:00 Kermit, I am not gonna do some cloth-eared Mexican maracas solo!

00:23:04 It doesn't have to be a solo, John.

00:23:08 - That does not help. - Oh, no? Well, how about this?

00:23:12 Everybody, come on!

00:23:14 Kermit, there is no way I'll do a song.

00:23:18 [All] # There is no way he'll do a song

00:23:22 Stop it at once.

00:23:24 # We will stop this at once

00:23:26 - This is not funny. - # Oh, we hope this is funny

00:23:31 Right! I'm leaving.

00:23:33 # He's leaving

00:23:36 # He came into our life But now he's leaving

00:23:42 You are supposed to be my host! How can you do this to me?

00:23:45 Kermit, I am your guest!

00:23:48 # This is your guest

00:24:09 - [applause] - [Shouting indistinctly]

00:24:14 Bravo!

00:24:25 OK, that about wraps it up for another one, but before we go,

00:24:28 we'd like to have a warm thank you to our special guest star, Mr. John Cleese!

00:24:33 [Applause]

00:24:35 Thank you, Kermit. Well, it's been really wonderful being on the show.

00:24:40 I hope you'll buy my new record album, John Cleese: A Man and his Music.

00:24:46 OK, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

00:24:48 [Chattering indistinctly]

00:25:26 - Well, see you next time. - Unless I get lucky and break a leg.

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