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Episode 222: Teresa Brewer/transcript

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Cold open

Theme

Opening number

Backstage

Pigs in Space

"Wild Thing"

Gonzo's stunt

Dressing room

At the Dance

UK spot

Dressing room

Muppet Labs

"At the Hop"

Backstage

"Spinning Wheel"

Backstage

"Music Music Music"

Goodnights

Teresa Brewer! Thirteen seconds to curtain, Miss Brewer. Everything all right?

Actually, I could use a hand.

You want a hand, you got it! Anything else?

It's The Muppet Show

with our special guest star,

Miss Teresa Brewer!

[applause and whistles]

♪ It's time to play the music

It's time to light the light

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

♪ It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

♪ It's time to get things started

Can I see your ticket stub?

♪ It's time to get things started

♪ On the most sensational, inspirational

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational

♪ This is what we call

The Muppet Show! ♪

Sorry. Sorry!

[applause]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Welcome again to The Muppet Show,

where anything can happen.

Unfortunately.

But on the bright side,

our special guest star

is one of the great names

in popular music.

Here she is now, Miss Teresa Brewer!

[♪ Cotton Fields]

I can remember when cotton was king.

You can remember when Arthur was king.

OK. You guys really

bailed out that number.

Very nice.

Hey, Kermit?

Have you decided what to do about

Miss Piggy.s ballet number next week?

Yeah. I'm afraid

we.re gonna have to cut it.

[gasping]

But why?

Have you seen Miss Piggy recently?

She's getting a little bulgy.

You know, the pork

no longer fits in the barrel.

Yeah, her wiggles

are beginning to waddle a little.

Yeah, that's the way the old pork rolls.

Um... Hello, Kermie.

Hi, Miss Piggy.

Um...

I have a wonderful announcement to make.

I know it sounds silly,

but I am going on a diet.

A diet? What a wonderful idea.

Yes.

Uh, how much weight do you plan to lose?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe five...

Mm.

Ten!

Ten...

Yeah.

Fifteen.

Do I hear 20?

Twenty pounds.

Sold.

For my new ballet number!

Do you think she overheard?

[announcer] And now, Pigs In Space.

Starring the indomitable

Captain Link Hogthrob,

The flappable first mate,

Miss Piggy,

And the inexplicable

Dr, Strangepork,

As we left our heroes last time,

Captain Hogthrob had just discovered

the awful truth,

Yes, Captain.

Our oxygen is almost gone,

fuel supplies are down to nothing,

and the water is all used up.

Oh, Captain, my captain.

What shall we do?

Egad, we.re out

of water, fuel and oxygen.

What could be worse?

[swooning]

Captain, we.re out of swill!

[gasping]

Out of swill?

Oh, not swill.

[sobbing]

Wait a minute. I thought this was

a serious science fiction story.

Yes, but we've got 25 adult pigs

on this spaceship.

We can't survive without swill.

What do you suggest, Captain?

Miss Piggy, go cook us some swill.

[gasps] Me?

I'm the first mate.

I'm supposed to give orders.

Fine, then give us 25 orders of swill.

And one side of coleslaw!

[laughing]

Besides, I am a gourmet cook.

Good. Then give us 25 orders

of swill stroganoff.

All right, that does it.

I refuse to continue this sketch.

You hear me?

What sketch? This is the Swinetrek.

We.re lost in endless space.

This is a cheap shot comedy sketch,

and I'll lay you odds

the frog wrote it.

Hi.

[gasping]

Hey, you guys.

Kermit says get on with the sketch.

[alarm blaring]

Red alert. Emergency.

A hideous space creature

has boarded the ship!

Where?

Hideous space creature,

we are doomed.

Not without a fight, we.re not.

[chattering]

Tune in next time

for the beginning of

Pigs In Space.

[♪ Wild Thing]

[Animal shouting] Wild thing!

Wild thing! Wild thing!

I wonder where they took him.

Wherever it is,

I bet it's more fun than here.

Ladies and gentlemen, in a major feat

of death defying intellectualism

never seen before,

the Great Gonzo will recite Shakespeare

while suspended by his nose

from a feather boa

nine feet in the air.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Great Gonzo!

The Merchant of Venice,

Act one, scene one.

Antonio speaks.

In sooth, I know not why I am so sad.

It wearies me, you say...

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ahchoo!

[crashing]

[clearing throat]

Excuse me, Miss Brewer?

I was wondering

if I could ask your advice.

You know, woman to woman.

Why, sure, Miss Piggy.

Well, I have this friend

who is absolutely devastating.

Except she has

an itty bitty weight problem.

What makes you think I know anything

about being fat?

Oh, Miss Brewer, I've always known

that you were one of us skinny people.

I thought that maybe

you might have heard something

from one of your fat friends.

Well, maybe I can help.

Oh.

I was about to have some lunch.

Would you care to join me?

Ahhhhh!

You know...

[gasping]

Oh, perhaps a nibble.

[growling]

It's such a relief

to meet someone who isn.t on a diet.

Yes, yes.

They.re such bores.

You know, all they ever talk about

is calories and exercise and lettuce.

[snorting]

let's eat.

Now you're talking.

[knock on door]

Come in.

Oh, Miss Brewer.

I thought that number was so great,

that Cotton Fields thing.

It was just beautiful.

Thank you, Kermit.

Uh, Piggy?

Uh, you're supposed to be on a diet.

You weren't thinking of doing anything

with that cake there,

were you, fat stuff?

Not until now.

How about that?

Frosted frog.

[Piggy growling]

[waltz playing]

I lost 180 pounds of ugly fat

in just one week.

Oh? how'd you do that?

I divorced my husband.

I went on a new diet last week.

I eat nothing but carrots

three times a day.

Oh! how's it working?

Fine.

[laughing]

As far as I'm concerned,

being fat.s all in your head.

I don't think it's all in your head.

And then she had the nerve to tell me

that I was overweight.

Can you believe that? Overweight?

Isn't that the most absurd thing...?

[fabric ripping]

[screaming]

[crashing]

Here.s a little number now

that we dedicate to my favorite food.

And we call it Cheesecake,

One and two and...

Cheesecake. Mm.

Oh, cheesecake!

I'm getting out of here

while the getting.s good.

This is really amazing, Teresa.

You got the autograph of every big star

in show business in that book.

It's a hobby of mine.

I started when I was a kid.

I always get all the autographs

of all the people I work with.

there's Bing Crosby.

You've got Bob Hope.

And Louie Armstrong.

Wait a second.

Whose autograph is that?

Crazy Harry.

Want another one?

No, it's all right.

I didn't know you were getting

autographs of us Muppets.

Of course. I think I've got just about

all of the Muppet.s autographs.

Well, you haven't gotten all of them.

You know, you're right.

I'm missing the most important one.

[clearing throat]

Well, um... Gee.

You know, the collection

would be worthless without it.

Yeah, well, I don't know what to say.

Well, just tell me

how to get Animal.s autograph.

Animal?

Autograph!

[shouting and laughing]

[imitating Animal] I love it!

Welcome again to Muppet Labs

where the future is being made today.

And it's breakthrough time

here at the labs again.

Well, here it is, the all new

Muppets electric nose warmer.

Yes, how many times have you been

outdoors on a cold, nippy day

and gotten your nose cold?

..Wouldn't it be nice,..

you thought to yourself,

..if I could warm it electrically...

Well, now you can,

as my assistant, Beaker,

will now demonstrate.

Come on in here, Beaker.

We.re just going to slip...

Come here.

We.re just going to slip this

on your nose.

There you go.

All the way up.

There.

And now with the nose warmer in place

we have only to turn on the electricity.

[Beaker whimpering]

[electrical buzzing]

And there's Beaker

with a nice toasty warm nose.

You really should stop smoking, Beaker.

It's very bad for your health.

[electrical zapping]

Yeah, that was great.

Fantastic.

Eh, didn't like it.

What would you know, you old fool?

don't call me an old fool.

I'll give you the evil eye.

Oh, I'm scared. I'm scared!

[screaming]

I warned him.

[♪ At the Hop]

[frogs] Do the hop.

Hop! Hop! Hop!

Hey, guys.

No, finish the song, guys.

Could you...?

Never mind.

Oh!

Oh, I am so hungry!

It's been 20 whole minutes

I've been on this diet.

Well, let's see.

I hope I haven't lost too much weight.

[gasping] Oh!

You are ravishing!

All right, it's weigh-in time.

All right, scale, give me the good news.

Liar! Hiyah!

It's the old

girl-swing-monster bit again.

They tried to sneak it past us.

Shoddy. Shoddy.

[crashing]

[grunting]

I think it's getting better.

I think you're getting senile.

[♪ Spinning Wheel]

[male announcer]

Well, hi there, fatties,

and welcome to the Chub Club,

The only TV show

where we lose viewers by the ton,

[laughing]

Well, chubbies, ready to lose

a little lard?

Ready to lose a few tubes?

Let's start with a little exercise,

All right.

OK, chin up, chest out, deep breath,

touching toes, One, two, one, two,

[straining]

One, two, one, two

One, two, one, two,,,

All right, take a hike.

Ready? Stop,

Next exercise, leg lifts,

Lie down on the floor on your back,

Yeah, OK.

Lift legs high up in the air, Ready?

Yeah.

Lift, Up, down,

You've gotta be kidding.

[screaming]

Up!

[straining]

Down,

Oh!

Up,

I'm trying!

Down,

Oh!

Very good, Everybody on your feet,

Oh!

Next exercise, running in place,

Yeah, OK.

Here we go, Ready? Run,

One, two, one, two, one, two,,,

[panting]

One, two, one, two, one, two,,,

[panting heavily]

[panting]

Alrighty,

Can't you just feel that fat

falling away?

Oh! Ahhhh!

[crashing]

Ladies and gentlemen, once again our

special guest star, Miss Teresa Brewer.

Hey, now we'll really hear some music.

Yeah, want music.

Put another nickel in.

[coin falling]

I put nickel in. Want music.

Put another nickel in.

Ahhh!

[coin falling]

I put nickel in. Want music.

Just listen, fuzzy face.

Fuzzy face!

[♪ Music, Music, Music]

[Animal] Ah!

that's all the time and jokes

we have left for this show.

But before we go let's have a great

big hand for Miss Teresa Brewer!

[applause and whistles]

Thank you.

And now, how about a nice big hand

for Kermit the Frog?

Aw, thank you.

Ahhh!

I deserved that.

OK, everybody, when the pig exercises,

everybody exercises.

Run in place.

One, two, three...

OK, well, we'll see you all next time

on The Muppet Show!

Just keep going.

One, two, three, four...

Come on, keep exercising.

One, two, yes, yes, one, two, one...

Run in place!

Get out of here, squeak.

One, two, one, two...

Well, they did it again.

Yeah, whatever it was.

[laughing]

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