Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Bob Hope! Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Hope.
Bob Hope Oh, thank you, Scooter.
Gonzo You know, Bob, I think you're an incredibly talented human being. I mean, you're a comic genius.
Bobhope01
Bob Hope Aw, thank you, Gonzo. I love doing this show.
Gonzo Yeah. If your nose weren't so small you'd probably be a big star like me. (leaves)
Bob Hope I hate doing this show.

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Bob Hope!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler & Waldorf Why us?
Bobhope-2
KABOOM! Crazy Harry blows Gonzo away.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you and welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, we are lucky because do you know who our guest star is?
Animal Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who, frog, who? Who? Who? Who? (pants)
Kermit Our guest star is Bob Hope!
Applause.
Animal (jumps around) Bob Hope! Bob Hope! Bob Hope!
Kermit Yeah!
Bobhope25
Animal … who Hope?
Kermit Animal, ill you stop bugging me? Go do something to calm down. Go find a hobby or something.
Animal Ah! (jumps around) Hobby! Hobby! Hobby! Hobby! Hobby! Hobby. Hobby! Hobby! (goes offstage)
Kermit Wonderful. Okay. Where were we now?
Animal (briefly comes back) Hobby! Hobby! Hobby! Hobby!
Kermit Uh, oh yes, we were at the opening number. Oh, the opening number — here it is, ladies and gentlemen — calypso time!
Open on an island setting. Piggy dances along to a pig backup band.
Pigs

Pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, having fun.
Dancing, singing, in the sun.
Yoo-hoo, Piggy, come and dance.
Tell us of your gay romance.

Miss Piggy

All day long I sit around,
Dreaming of the love I found.
Because I really love my frog,
And when I love, I go WHOLE HOG!
(trills)

Pigs

Pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, having fun.
Dancing, singing, in the sun.
Yoo-hoo, Piggy, come and dance.
Tell us of your gay romance.

Bobhope03
Miss Piggy Yee-ha!

Kermie is the reason why
I have this twinkle in my eye.
Kermie, Kermie, shy and cute,
How I love that handsome brute!
(trills)

Pigs

Pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, having fun.
Dancing, singing, in the sun.
Yoo-hoo, Kermit, come and dance.
Tell us of your gay romance.

Calypso
Kermit

Frog has come to have his say:
The pig will never get her way.
Bib and napkin, knife and fork
Is the only way that I'll touch pork.

Miss Piggy WHAT?!? Hi-YAH!
She karate-chops him. Applause.
Statler Hm. I like those steel drums.
Waldorf What?
Statler (out loud) The pigs' steel drums!
Waldorf I believe it. They'd take anything that's not nailed down.

Backstage

The pigs pass by Fozzie, hollering.
Fozzie Hey, pigs, yeah. Hoy, hoy, whatever. Yes, yes! Oh, Kermit, Kermit, listen.
Kermit Uh, yes?
Bobhope04
Fozzie I just stopped by Bob Hope's dressing room and you know what?
Kermit Hm?
Fozzie (pulls him close) He is not there.
Kermit Uh, yeah, I know. He's across town doing another show.
Fozzie He... He hasn't even done THIS show!
Kermit Well, he promised he'd be back. He's doing a benefit.
Fozzie He's doing a disappearing act.
Kermit Uh, look, Fozzie, Bob Hope is the busiest man in show business. He's a humanitarian. He does benefits all the time. He'll be back.
Fozzie Oh.
They overhear a commotion at the stage door and go over to look. Floyd and Zoot cheer.
Animal (roaring)
Floyd Yeah, Animal, go get 'em! Go get 'em! Hey, look out there!
Kermit Hey — what's going on?
Floyd Oh, hey, Kermit. Remember you told Animal he should take up a hobby to calm his nerves?
Kermit What kind of hobby did he take up?
Floyd Alligator wrestling. Yeah, get him, baby! Ha ha! Nice try!
Some alligators pass by, waving surrender flags. Animal emerges, wrestling another one.
Floyd Yeah, come on, Animal. Open it.
Bobhope05
Animal pries open the gator's jaws and wrestles it to the ground. Floyd laughs.

Bob's stand-up

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for me to introduce a man whose reputation is so great that I don't know how to make a suitable introduction.
Bobhope06
Fozzie Psst. A long one would be suitable.
Kermit What?
Fozzie He's not here yet.
Kermit Uh... uh, well, uh, yes, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, there's really no need to go into Bob Hope's past triumphs in film, radio and television. Ahem. But we may have to.
Fozzie Psst. Kermit!
Kermit Uh, Fozzie, is he here yet?
Fozzie No, I'm just going out to lunch. Can I get... Can I get you anything?
Kermit Uh, Bob Hope.
Fozzie Uh, no. Sorry, you have to settle for pastrami on rye. Oh! Oh, he's here! He's here!
Kermit Oh, yeah?
The curtain opens, and Bob emerges to a fanfare. Applause.
Kermit Bob! Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bob Hope!
Bob Hope Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Kermit. It's been a ball doing the show. Maybe we can do it again sometime, huh? Good night.
Kermit Wait a minute! You can't go now. You just got here.
Bob Hope I'm sorry, Kermit, but I'm on a very tight schedule.
Bobhope07
Kermit But you didn't even say, "Hi, this is Bob 'happy to be on The Muppet Show ' Hope".
Bob Hope I know, but I...
Kermit Not even one, "What I want to tell ya..."
Bob Hope I'm sorry.
Kermit Or even, "Seriously, folks."
Bob Hope Wait a minute. You just did my whole act.
Kermit Yeah, but with no jokes.
Bob Hope That's my act. Look, Kermit, I have to do a testimonial, but I'll be back.
Kermit It'll be too late.
Bob Hope No, it won't. I'm taking the Concorde. How long can that take? If we land.
Kermit I know, but uh...
Bob Hope Look, Kermit, I'm sorry, but I've already cancelled one benefit to be here.
Kermit You did?
Bob Hope Yes. (takes out a paper) It was for the, uh, Flying Zucchini Brothers. You ever hear of them?
Kermit Yeah, I have.
Bob Hope Well, tell them I'm sorry if you ever see 'em again.
Kermit Oh, I don't plan to. They were terrible.
Scooter Excuse me, Mr. Hope. Hey, Kermit, did you book that human cannonball act, the Flying Zucchini Brothers?
Kermit Of course not.
Scooter Well, they're here.
The Zucchini Brothers take the stage, clamoring around Kermit, Scooter and Bob, pushing them offstage.
Bob Hope Call the embassy! Call the police! Call Angie Dickinson. Call Columbo!
Statler Well, Bob Hope is gone.
Waldorf I'm not surprised. It's what I've always said about this show. There's no hope.
Statler Would you repeat that?
Waldorf Of course not. I'm sorry I said it in the first place.
Statler I should hope so.
Waldorf Hmm?

"For What It's Worth"

Song.forwhatitsworth
Open on a peaceful forest setting. The woodland animals pop up and look around. An opossum sings.
Possum

There's something happening here.
What it is ain't exactly clear.
There's a man with a gun over there,
Telling me I got to beware.
It's time we —

Animals

Stop! (Children) What's that sound?
Everybody look what's going 'round.
Stop! (Children) What's that sound?
Everybody look what's going 'round.

They all hide as some trigger-happy hunters pass by, shooting their rifles in the air and hollering.
Hunters Oh! Oh! There's one there! Someone shoot it. Hey! Aaah!
The hunters leave, and the animals come back out.
Bobhope222
Possum

The strangers come into our wood.
We'd understand them if only we could.
But what's the reason that they can give
For not wanting you and me to live?
It's time we —

Animals

Stop! (Children) What's that sound?
Everybody look what's going 'round.
Stop! (Children) What's that sound?
Everybody look what's going 'round.

They hide again. The hunters pass by in the other direction, still firing, whooping and hollering.
Hunters Ooh, whoo, tear it up!
Possum

The forest echoes silent woes.
A million years of bucks and does
Passed silently before today.
Can't we all live our own way?

Animals

Stop! (Children) What's that sound?
Everybody look what's going 'round.
Stop! (Children) What's that sound?
Everybody look what's going 'round.
Stop! (Hey) What's that sound?
Everybody look what's going down.
Stop! (Children) What's that sound?
Everybody look what's going down.

The hunters return, having ceased fire.
Hunters (laughing)
Hunter (DG) Hey, what did you get?
Bobhope2222
Hunter (JN) Oh, I shot me a motorsickle.
Hunter (DG) Oh. I got me a tractor.
Hunter (RH) Yeah, well, I wounded me the biggest cement truck you ever saw.
Hunters (laughing)
The animals pop back up when the hunters leave.
Animals Stop.
Applause.

Muppet newsflash

Newsman Here is a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Today is the opening day of the fishing season, and…
Bobhope08
Gunshots are heard, and fish fall from the sky onto the desk.

Bob returns

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Okay. Moving right along now...
Scooter Excuse me, Kermit? That human cannonball act just called.
Kermit Yeah?
Scooter They're gonna send Bob Hope back.
Kermit Well, when's he gonna get here?
Scooter Oh, soon. Uh, they're sending him by cannon.
Bobhope09
A loud KABOOM is heard. They watch as Bob sails onto the stage.
Kermit Uh, uh... Hi, Bob.
Bob Hope Eat your heart out, Concorde.
Kermit (chuckles) Uh, how did you like the trip?
Bob Hope Oh, I love traveling by cannonball. After all, I'm a high-caliber performer.
Kermit Yeah, well, you really made a hit on our stage.
Bob Hope I know, but I think the carpenters can fix it.
Kermit Uh, well, don't worry about it. Listen, it's great to have you back with us. Now we can sit back and listen to one of those wonderful Bob Hope monologues.
Bobhope10
Bob Hope Are you kidding? I'm already late for my next benefit, The Japanese Pole Vaulters' Retirement Fund.
Kermit The Japanese Pole Vaulters' Retirement Fund? Then you're going away again?
Bob Hope No, I invited them here!
The pole vaulters make their way across the stage.
Bob Hope Hey, it's a pleasure to be with all of you pole vaulters here tonight. These guys must go over more bars than Dean Martin's elbow.
They laugh.
Bob Hope Come on to my dressing room, huh?
They vault away. Bob follows them.
Kermit Uh … well, uh, there goes our guest star. Uh, there goes everybody's guest star.

The Swedish Chef

Open on the Chef, dancing with a leek and a meat cleaver.
Swedish Chef (sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
He tosses them aside and addresses the covered plate on the table, opening the lid to reveal a live duck.
Bobhope11
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … de prëssed dück. … (mock Swedish) … de dück.
Duck Quack.
The Chef digs up an iron.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … de dück-prëssër. (mock Swedish)
The duck runs away. The Chef chases it.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) Hëy thëre dückÿ! Hëy dückÿ, cøme øn!
The duck grabs the iron and makes off with it. The Chef comes back and looks around.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … Whëre de dücky?
He looks up. KLANG! The iron drops on his head. The duck flies away. Applause.

Muppet newsflash

Newsman Here is a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) This is the opening night of the opera season...
Bobhope12
An opera singer falls from the ceiling, having been shot by an unknown hunter.

"Pathétique"

Bobhope13
Rowlf performs Beethoven's "Pathétique".
Scooter Rowlf, the show's running long. Make it as short as you can.
Rowlf quickly concludes playing.

UK spot

Bobhope14 Bobhope15 Bobhope16
J. P. Grosse joins Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Rowlf, Scooter, Robin, Floyd, Baskerville, and the Afghan Hound for a medley which includes the songs "Long, Long Ago," "Aura Lee," "Believe Me If All Those Endearing Young Charms," and "Sweet Genevieve".

Muppet Labs

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. And here is my assistant, Beaker, to demonstrate the Muppets' all-new automatic wastebasket. Yes, audience, this should end your trash disposal problems forever. Whatever the refuse, this little doozy can handle it. Show them, Beaker, my lad.
Beaker puts a tin can in the wastebasket, which eats it up.
Wastebasket Thank you. More, please.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Let's see another example, Beaker.
Bobhope17
Beaker feeds the wastebasket another tin can.
Wastebasket More! More!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Just imagine never having to empty a wastebasket again.
Beaker frantically feeds it more garbage.
Wastebasket More! More, more!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Order your wastebasket today. It comes in both regular or housebroken models.
Wastebasket Want more! Want more.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Shh — do try to keep him quiet, Beaker, please.
Wastebasket More, more!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Just send us $22.95 and we'll send you a Muppet wastebasket.
The basket starts devouring Beaker's head.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Or uh, send us $32.95 and we won't.
Statler It's the most consistent show I've seen.
Waldorf Yes, they get worse every single week.
Statler (laughs)

Bob returns

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Okay, well, moving right along now, folks, we uh …
A fanfare plays as the curtain opens and Bob re-emerges. Applause.
Bob Hope Hi, Kermit.
Kermit Bob, what are you doing here?
Bob Hope Well, I'm ready.
Kermit For what?
Bob Hope My monologue. I just finished the last of my benefit performances and the rest of the day is all yours.
Kermit Oh. Well, um... Gee, uh… (gulp) ... uh, we don't have time for your monologue now.
Bob Hope What? Well, why not?
Kermit Well — well, Gonzo the Great is on next. He's gonna do his impersonations of bread.
Bob Hope I've seen Gonzo's impersonations of bread. He's backstage now, loafing around.
Kermit That's very good, but — but seriously, I can't disappoint him. He's been practicing his pumpernickel for weeks. But uh, he's left crumbs all over the backstage.
Bob Hope Yeah, I met some of them.
Kermit Sorry about that. But listen, Bob, if you want, you could do the cowboy sketch at the end at the end of the show.
Bob Hope The cowboy sketch?
Kermit Mm-hm.
Bob Hope Is it good?
Kermit Is it good? Oh- the cowboy sketch is terrific. I was gonna do it myself, but it's yours.
Bob Hope Oh, that's great. Boy, the cowboy sketch sounds better than a monologue anyway.
Bobhope18
Gonzo Kermit, Kermit! Cancel my bread impersonations act.
Kermit Why? What happened?
Gonzo They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to work out there naked, would you?
Bob Hope Why not? You've got the crust for it.
Kermit (chuckles)
Gonzo Well, listen, Kermit. Just because my bread impersonations are canceled, don't think that you can talk me into doing that lousy cowboy sketch, okay?
Kermit, stammering, leads Gonzo offstage. Bob glares at the camera.
Bob Hope You know how it feels to be conned by a frog? … Do you?

Backstage

Floyd (scatting)
Kermit Hey, uh, Floyd, Animal's still not alligator wrestling, is he?
Floyd Oh, no, man. He gave that up. Said it was too easy. (laughs) Yeah, he's taken up bowling now.
Kermit Oh, well, that's much better. Much better and much safer.
Floyd Mm... I don't know, man. Animal bowls overhand.
Bobhope19a Bobhope19b
Several bowling balls fly by, hitting various Muppets.
Gonzo What's that?
Animal (off-screen) Strike!

"Nola"

Bobhope20
Rowlf performs "Nola". During the complicated number, he grows another hand to complete it.

"Don't Fence Me In"

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Uh, growing up down on the lily pad, I never thought I'd be standing on a stage introducing Bob Hope. But uh, by the same token, I bet he never thought he'd be introduced by a frog. But here he is now, in the famous cowboy sketch …
Bob Hope (peeking from the curtain) I'll get you for this, frog.
Kermit Uh, just get on the horse, Bob. It'll be great. Ahem. Uh, here he is in that very famous cowboy sketch. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bob Hope!
Open on Bob, atop Paul Revere. Western music plays.
Bobhope21
Bob Hope Well, here I am, out in the wide open spaces at last. Alone with the sagebrush and the silence.
Paul Revere Hey, Hope, what do you say we stop for a beer?
Bob Hope My luck. I'm stuck with a talking horse.
Paul Revere What's the matter? You don't like the little conversation?
Bob Hope Not with some two-bit horse.
Paul Revere I'm not a two-bit horse!
Bob Hope Oh, yeah? You bit me twice.
Paul Revere (laughs) Yeah, well, you deserved it. Your spurs are as cold as ice. Why don't you lose some weight?
Bob Hope Now I know why they call them nags. Are you ready to do the song?
Paul Revere Oh, sure. Why not?
Bob Hope Yeah - but wait a minute. We're in the middle of the desert. Where's the music coming from?
Paul Revere Oh, there's a tape deck in the saddle.
The music stops. Bob removes a cassette tape.
Bob Hope Stereophonic horse.
Paul Revere (laughs)
He puts the cassette back in, and the music resumes. They sing "Don't Fence Me In.
Paul Revere Say, Hope, what are you doing out here? You're not a real cowboy.
Bobhope22
Bob Hope Are you kiddin'? I've got a big spread in Texas.
Paul Revere Yeah. Got one south of the border, too. (laughs)
Bob Hope Oh, a fat joke, huh?
Paul Revere Yeah, I suppose now you'll get even with a swayback joke.
Bob Hope Well, that last joke goes "swayback".
Paul Revere (laughs) Aw, I can't take this much longer. When's this song end?
Bob Hope We got eight bars to go.
Paul Revere Well, I hope one of them has a lunch counter.
Bob Hope (laughs) A funny horse! I bet on them all the time.
They do one last chorus. Applause.

Goodnights

Kermit Okay. Well, we could uh, go on forever, but I think we'll give you a break and bring this episode of The Muppet Show to a close. But before we do, let's have a warm thank you for our very special guest star. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bob Hope! Yay!
Applause.
Bob Hope Hey, thank you very much. Thank you, Kermit. Thank you. (calls) Taxi! Taxi!
The Zucchini brothers and the pole vaulters clamor the stage.
Kermit What was that?
Floyd Animal's got a new hobby. He's taken up hunting.
Kermit Hunting?!
Bobhope23
Animal comes out with a bazooka, which he fires.
Animal Bunny rabbit! Bunny rabbit! (BOOM!)
Zucchni Brothers Booma-booma! Yeah, booma-booma!
Bob Hope This isn't happening. This is just a hangover. I know it.
Animal (roars)
Bob Hope It'll be better in the morning, I'm sure.
Animal Bunny rabbit!
Kermit We'll see you next time, if there is one, uh, on The Muppet Show!
The scene ends in chaos as the credits roll.
Waldorf Hey, doesn't Hope usually sing "Thanks For the Memories"?
Statler Why would he want to remember this?
ATV
THE END

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