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Episode 221: Bob Hope/transcript

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Cold open

Theme

Opening number

Backstage

Bob's stand-up

"For What It's Worth"

Muppet newsflash

Bob returns

The Swedish Chef

Muppet newsflash

"Pathétique"

UK spot

Muppet Labs

Bob returns

Backstage

"Nola"

"Don't Fence Me In"

Goodnights

[Knocking]

Bob Hope! Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Hope.

Oh, thank you, Scooter.

You know, Bob, I think you're an incredibly talented human being.

I mean, you're a comic genius.

Aw, thank you, Gonzo. I love doing this show.

Yeah. If your nose weren't so small you'd probably be a big star like me.

I hate doing this show.

It's The Muppet Show with our special guest star, Mr. Bob Hope.

[Applause and whistling]

  1. Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light
  1. Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight
  1. Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right
  1. Lt's time to get things started

Why us?

  1. Lt's time to get things started
  1. On the most sensational, inspirational
  1. Celebrational, Muppetational
  1. This is what we call The Muppet Show #

[laughing]

  - [Applause]    - Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Thank you and welcome to The Muppet Show.

Hey, we are lucky because do you know who our guest star is?

Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?

Who, frog, who? Who? Who? Who?

Our guest star is Bob Hope!

  - [Applause]    - Bob Hope!
  - Yeah!    - Bob Hope! Bob Hope!

Bob Hope! Bob Hope! Who Hope?

Will you stop bugging me? Go do something to calm down.

Go find a hobby or something.

Ah! Hobby!

  - Hobby! Hobby! Hobby! Hobby!    - Hobby.
  - Hobby! Hobby!    - Wonderful.

OK. Where were we now?

Hobby! Hobby!

  - Hobby! Hobby!    - Yes, we were at the opening number.

The opening number, here it is, ladies and gentlemen. Calypso time!

[Calypso music playing]

[Miss Piggy trilling]

Yoo-hoo!

[Trilling] Ya-ha!

What? Hiyah!

Hee!

Hm. I like the steel drums.

  - What?    - The pigs' steel drums.

I believe it. They'd take anything that's not nailed down.

Hey, pigs, yeah. Hoy, hoy, whatever.

Yes, yes!

Oh, Kermit, Kermit, listen.

I just stopped by Bob Hope's dressing room and you know what?

Hm?

He was not there.

Uh, yeah, I know. He's across town doing another show.

He... He hasn't even done this show!

Well, he promised he'd be back. He's doing a benefit.

He's doing a disappearing act.

Look, Fozzie, Bob Hope is the busiest man in show business.

He's a humanitarian. He does benefits all the time.

  - He'll be back.    - Oh.

[Floyd] Yeah, Animal, go get 'em! Go get 'em!

  - Hey, look out there!    - What's going on?

Hey, Kermit. Remember you told Animal he should take up a hobby

to calm his nerves?

  - What kind of hobby did he take up?    - Alligator wrestling.

Yeah, get him, baby!

Nice try.

Yeah, come on, Animal. Open it.

Hey!

Now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for me to introduce

a man whose reputation is so great

that I don't know how to make a suitable introduction.

[Stammering] A long one would be suitable.

  - What?    - He's not here yet.

Uh... yes, ladies and gentlemen. There's really no need

to go into Bob Hope's past triumphs in film, radio and television.

But we may have to.

Psst.

  - Kermit!    - Uh, Fozzie, is he here yet?

No, I'm just going out to lunch.

Can I get... Can I get you anything?

  - Bob Hope!    - Uh, no.

Sorry, you have to settle for pastrami on rye.

Oh, oh, he's here!

  - He's here!    - Oh, yeah?

Bob! Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bob Hope!

[Applause]

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, Kermit.

It's been a ball doing the show. Maybe we can do it again sometime.

  - Good night.    - Wait a minute!

You can't go now. You just got here.

I'm sorry, Kermit. I'm on a very tight schedule.

But you didn't even say, "This is Bob 'happy to be on The Muppet Show' Hope".

I know, but I...

Not even one, "What I want to tell ya..."

  - I'm sorry.    - Or even, "Seriously, folks."

Wait a minute. You just did my whole act.

Yeah, but with no jokes.

That's my act.

Kermit, I have to do a testimonial, but I'll be back.

It'll be too late.

No, it won't. I'm taking the Concord. How long can that take?

  - If we land.    - I know, but uh...

Kermit, I'm sorry, but I've already cancelled one benefit to be here.

  - You did?    - Yes. For the Flying Zucchini Brothers.
  - You ever hear of them?    - Yeah, I have.

Tell them I'm sorry if you ever see them.

I don't plan to. They were terrible.

Excuse me, Mr. Hope.

Kermit, did you book the human cannonball act,

  - the Flying Zucchini Brothers?    - Of course not.
  - Well, they're here.    - [Shouting in Italian]

Call the embassy! Call the police!

Call Angie Dickinson. Call Columbo!

  - Well, Bob Hope is gone.    - I'm not surprised.

It's what I've always said about this show.

There's no hope.

Would you repeat that?

Of course not. I'm sorry I said it in the first place.

I should hope so.

[# For What Lt's Worth]

  - Oh! Oh!    - There's one there!
  - Someone shoot it.    - Hey!

Aaah!

Ooh, whoo, tear it up!

[Laughing]

[Laughing]

Hey, what did you get?

Oh, I shot me a motorsickle.

[Laughing]

Oh. I got me a tractor.

[Laughing]

I wounded me the biggest cement truck you ever saw.

[Applause]

[Newsman] Here is a Muppet news flash.

Today is the opening day of the fishing season.

[Gunshots]

  - OK. Moving right along now...    - Excuse me, Kermit?

That human cannonball act just called.

They're gonna send Bob Hope back.

  - When's he gonna get here?    - Soon.

They're sending him by cannon.

[Explosion]

[Crashing]

Uh, uh... Hi, Bob.

Eat your heart out, Concord.

Uh, how did you like the trip?

Oh, I love traveling by cannonball.

After all, I'm a high-caliber performer.

Yeah, well, you really made a hit on our stage.

I know, but I think the carpenters can fix it.

Don't worry about it. It's great to have you back with us.

Now we can sit and listen to one of those wonderful Bob Hope monologues.

Are you kidding? I'm already late for my next benefit,

The Japanese Pole Vaulters Retirement Fund.

The Japanese Pole Vaulters Retirement Fund?

  - Then you're going away again?    - No, I invited them here!

[Shouting]

It's a pleasure to be with all of you pole vaulters tonight.

These guys must go over more bars than Dean Martin's elbow.

Come on to my dressing room, huh?

[Shouting]

Well, there goes our guest star.

There goes everybody's guest star.

[Singing in mock Swedish]

[Speaking mock Swedish]

[Quacks]

[Speaking in mock Swedish]

[Quacking]

[Mock Swedish]

  - [Quacking]    - Hm?

[Newsman] Here is a Muppet news flash.

This is the opening night of the opera season...

[soprano holding high note]

[# Pathetique Piano Sonata]

Rowlf, the show's running long. Make it as short as you can.

[Song ends]

[# Long, Long Ago]

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs,

where the future is being made today. Here is my assistant, Beaker,

to demonstrate the Muppets' all-new automatic wastebasket.

Yes, audience, this should end your trash disposal problems forever.

Whatever the refuse, this little doozy can handle it.

Show them, Beaker, my lad.

[Growling]

Thank you. More, please.

Let's see another example, Beaker.

More! More!

Lmagine never having to empty a wastebasket again.

  - More! More, more!    - Order your wastebasket today.

It comes in both regular or housebroken models.

  - Want more! Want more.    - Shh!

Do try to keep him quiet, Beaker, please.

More, more!

and we'll send you a Muppet wastebasket.

[Beaker screaming]

[Beaker struggling]

It's the most consistent show I've seen.

Yes, they get worse every single week.

[Laughing]

OK, well, moving right along now, folks...

  - Hi, Kermit.    - Bob, what are you doing here?
  - Well, I'm ready.    - For what?

My monologue. I just finished the last of my benefit performances

  - and the rest of the day is all yours.    - Oh. Well, um...

Gee... [gulping]

...we don't have time for your monologue now.

What? Well, why not?

Well, Gonzo the Great is on next.

He's gonna do his impersonations of bread.

I've seen Gonzo's impersonations of bread.

He's backstage now, loafing around.

[Laughing] That's very good, but I can't disappoint him.

He's been practicing his pumpernickel for weeks.

But he's left crumbs all over the backstage.

Yeah, I met some of them.

Sorry about that.

But, Bob, if you want, you could do the cowboy sketch at the end.

The cowboy sketch? Is it good?

Is it good? The cowboy sketch is terrific. I was gonna do it myself,

  - but it's yours.    - Oh, that's great.

The cowboy sketch sounds better than a monologue.

Kermit, Kermit! Cancel my bread impersonations act.

  - Why? What happened?    - They didn't deliver my poppy seeds.

You wouldn't want me to work out there naked, would you?

Why not? You've got the crust for it.

Well, listen, Kermit.

Just because my bread impersonations are canceled,

don't think that you can talk me into doing that lousy cowboy sketch, OK?

[Stammering]

You know how it feels to be conned by a frog?

Do you?

[Floyd singing]

Animal's still not alligator wrestling, is he?

Oh, no, man. He gave that up.

Said it was too easy.

Yeah, he's taken up bowling now.

Oh, well, that's much better. Much better and much safer.

Mm... I don't know, man.

Animal bowls overhand.

  - [Both screaming]    - [Gonzo screaming] What's that?

[Animal] Strike!

[# Nola: A Silhouette for Piano]

Growing up down on the lily pad,

I never thought I'd be standing on a stage introducing Bob Hope.

But by the same token, I bet he never thought he'd be introduced by a frog.

But here he is now, in the famous cowboy sketch.

I'll get you for this, frog.

Just get on the horse, Bob. It'll be great.

Here he is in that very famous cowboy sketch.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bob Hope!

Well, here I am, out in the wide open spaces at last.

Alone with the sagebrush and the silence.

Hey, Hope, what do you say we stop for a beer?

My luck. I'm stuck with a talking horse.

What's the matter? You don't like the little conversation?

Not with some two-bit horse.

I'm not a two-bit horse.

Oh, yeah? You bit me twice.

[Laughing]

Yeah, well, you deserved it.

Your spurs are as cold as ice.

Why don't you lose some weight?

Now I know why they call them nags.

  - Are you ready to do the song?    - Sure, why not?

But wait. We're in the desert. Where's the music coming from?

Oh, there's a tape deck in the saddle.

Stereophonic horse.

[Laughing]

[# Don't Fence Me Ln]

Say, Hope, what are you doing out here? You're not a real cowboy.

Are you kidding? I've got a big spread in Texas.

Yeah. Got one south of the border, too. [Laughing]

Oh, a fat joke, huh?

Yeah, I suppose now you'll get even with a swayback joke.

Well, that last joke goes "swayback".

[Laughing]

I can't take this much longer. When's this song end?

We got eight bars to go.

Well, I hope one of them has a lunch counter.

A funny horse!

I bet on them all the time.

[# Don't Fence Me Ln]

[Whinnying]

OK. Well, we could go on forever. But we'll give you a break

and bring this episode of The Muppet Show to a close.

But before we do, let's have a warm thank you

for our very special guest star. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bob Hope!

[Applause and whistling]

Hey, thank you very much. Thank you, Kermit.

  - Thank you. Taxi!    - Hey, wait!

[Shouting]

  - [Gunshot]    - What was that?

Animal's got a new hobby. He's taken up hunting.

  - Hunting!    - [Animal shouting]

Bunny rabbit! Bunny rabbit!

Booma-booma!

Yeah, booma-booma.

This isn't happening. This is just a hangover. I know it.

[Animal shouting]

  - It'll be better in the morning.    - Bunny rabbit!

We'll see you next time, if there is one, on The Muppet Show!

Hey, doesn't Hope usually sing Thanks For the Memories?

Why would he want to remember this?

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