Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Petula Clark? Twenty seconds to curtain, Miss Clark.
Petula Right. Scooter, I hate to complain, but … there's a moose in my dressing room.
Scooter Uh, yeah, that's a mistake.
Petula Well, I should hope so.
Scooter You're supposed to get the buffalo.
220-01

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Petula Clark!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler Well, it's downhill from here.
216 trumpet
Gonzo's trumpet flies off.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, our special guest tonight is one of the truly great international singing stars, Miss Petula Clark. But first we... (the moose emerges) What is this, a moose?
220-02
Moose I was supposed to be a buffalo.
Kermit Uh, just — just leave, okay?
Moose All right. I'll be backstage reading the moosepaper.
Kermit (shoos him) Would you get off that stage? Off, off, off! Oops!
Fozzie, Link, Robin, Gonzo and Scooter sail in a rowboat and sing as Fozzie rows.
All

Our ship is leaving Portsmouth Town.
Her name's the Good Ship Nancy Brown.
Yo-ho!

Link Hogthrob Jib the boom!
Scooter Poop the deck!
Fozzie Rattle the hatch!
Gonzo Main the sail!
Robin Pepper the mints!
220-03
All Anchors aweigh in the morn!
Link Hogthrob Well done, me hearties!
Scooter Aye aye, cap'n, sir!
Fozzie Oh, I'm tired already. Huh.
All

Oh, we'll be sailing with the tide.
We've said farewell to our girls and brides.
Yo-ho!

Link Hogthrob Rig the ratch!
Scooter Hoist the hitch!
Fozzie Bury the hatchet!
Gonzo Poop the deck!
Robin Beat the breeze!
All Thar she blows in the morn!
Tempo change.
Link Hogthrob

And soon we'll be out on the ocean foam.
So let's heave-ho with a will.

Others Heave-ho!
Scooter When come jolly tars, let's sing while we can…
Robin For soon we'll all be deathly ill.
Link Hogthrob Sing yo-ho!
Others Sing yo-ho!
Scooter Sing ho-hi!
Others Sing ho-hi!
Fozzie Sing hee-hee!
Others Sing hee-hee!
Link Hogthrob Yo-ho!
Others Yo-ho!
Scooter Ho-hi!
Others Ho-hi!
Fozzie Hee-hee!
Others Hee-hee!
Gonzo Ho-ho!
Others Ho-ho!
Robin Hoo-ha!
All Hoo-ha! Ho-ho, ha-ha … (laughing)
Tempo change.
All

For there's nothing like the life of a sailor,
Sailing on the briny foam.

Scooter With a good stout ship beneath your feet …
Fozzie And a good stout wife at home! Aaaahhh.
All

Oh, there's nothing, nothing, nothing like a sailor's life.
The sailor's life is grand.

Link Hogthrob Oh, I'd never give up the sea unless…
Fozzie … you offered me a job on land!
All (laugh)
Tempo change.
All Singing … yo-ho!
Link Hogthrob Hit the deck!
Scooter Follow the fleet!
Fozzie Anchors aweigh!
Gonzo Scuttle the butt!
Robin Roll the dice!
Fozzie Deal the cards!
Scooter Pepper the mints!
Seachantey
All

(harmonizing) We're sailing away … (sailing away) …
(sailing away) … (sailing away) … (sailing away)
On the briny sea!
Whoa! …

The boat tips over — glub glub.
Waldorf Here! Catch!
He throws a life preserver.
Statler Waste of time. Nothing will save this show.
They chuckle.

Backstage

The wet mariners pass by Kermit.
Fozzie Well, it wasn't my fault.
Kermit Okay, nicely sung, guys. Badly sailed, but nicely sung.
Link Hogthrob Uh, haven't you men heard the old saying, "Women and captains first"?
They walk away.
Kermit Yeah, okay. Let's see. Pet' Clark is standing by, so...
Moose Hiya, frog.
Kermit Yes, hello again, moose.
Moose Do you mind if I hang out backstage here awhile?
220-04
Kermit Well, I've got every other kind of animal. Why not a moose?
Moose (nods) You got true grit, frog.
Kermit Uh, yeah. Uh, by the way, what is your name?
Moose Mickey.
Kermit How about that? Mickey Moose. (does a take) Mickey Moose?!
Moose (laughs)
Kermit Will you get out of my backstage? … Mickey Moose. Dumb name.

"The Boy from Ipanema"

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit Uh, okay, uh, anyhow, now here she is, our very special guest. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Petula Clark.
220-05 Petulaclark
Petula sings "The Boy from Ipanema" as one of Bossmen dances by the shore.
Petula Bossa nova.
Bossman Hi, Petula.
They dance.
Petula We're doing the samba.
Bossman I'm trying to samba.
They dance.
Petula Oh, boy.
Bossman Yeah.
Petula repeats the bridge and final verse. The Bossman gives her a drink.
Petula Aww.
Applause.
Waldorf Well, that song brings back memories.
Statler What memories?
Waldorf I forgot.

Chicken western

Achickenwestern 220-06 220-07
The chickens star in a Western drama. At a saloon (bartended by Gonzo), the Black Rooster arrives to cause trouble for sheriff T.R. the Rooster. They engage in a gun duel, but T.R. runs out quickly. The Black Rooster fires one final shot, which ricochets around the saloon before knocking him out with a lamp. The sheriff and his hen ride off into the sunset on a cow.

Backstage

The chickens pass by Kermit.
Kermit Okay. Good going, guys. I didn't understand it, but I loved it.
Petula Hello, Kermit.
Kermit Oh, hi there, Pet.
Petula I hear you're not too happy tonight.
Kermit Oh — well, where'd you get that idea?
Petula Well, I gather you're not thrilled about the moose, Mickey.
Kermit Oh, oh, oh, the moose? Oh, listen, that — that's silly. I'm not bothered by that at all.
Petula Really?
Kermit No.
Petula Oh, terrific.
She puts on an antler cap.
Petula Hit it, guys.
Dr. Teeth, Scooter, Zoot, Fozzie and Rowlf all have antler caps as well. They all sing.
Petula & Muppets M-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-O…
Kermit Will you guys cut that out! (scowls)
Petula & Muppets (laughing)
220-08

At the Dance

Couples dance in a ballroom.
Woodpecker I'd like to take you home to mother.
Pink bird Really, Harold?
Woodpecker Yeah, maybe she could teach you how to dance.
Janice dances with Dr. Teeth, whose arms are extra long.
Janice Oh, wow. I rully like being in your arms.
Dr. Teeth Yeah, me too.
Man (DG) Why is your mother trying to keep us apart?
Woman (LG) I don't know. I'll ask her. Mother, why are you trying to keep us apart?
She's in the middle of them, that's why. Meanwhile, Droop dances with a Merdlidop.
Merdlidop I think my nose is too large.
Droop Oh, Phyllis, you're blowing it all out of proportion.
220-09
Her balloon-nose inflates and pops.
Merdlidop Merdlidop.
Droop Ooop.

UK spot

Kermit Uh... Ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us watches, chocolate and silliness. Uh, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.
220-10
Open on a Swiss mountain cottage. Fozzie, Gonzo, Miss Mousey, a goat, some dogs and a pig sing "Upidee".

"Too Shy to Say"

Petula encounters Rowlf playing the piano.
Petula Yeah, it's beautiful. You really can play that piano, Rowlf. What's your secret?
Rowlf Oh, no secret. I just practice a lot.
Petula Uh-huh.
He messes up.
Rowlf Well, so much for the "practice makes perfect" theory.
220-11
She fishes a fish out of the piano.
Petula And what is this doing in there?
Rowlf That's the piano tuna! (chuckles) It should be okay now. (he plays a scale) Hey, nice job, fish. I'll pay you tomorrow.
Petula I don't believe it. You pay a fish?
Rowlf Yeah, but not much. He works for scale. (chuckles)
Petula I think we'd better do our number, Rowlf.
She sings "Too Shy to Say" as Rowlf plays.
Statler That Petula Clark sure can carry a tune.
Waldorf Ehh, she's gotta do better than that tonight. She's gotta carry the whole show.
They chuckle.

Backstage

Kermit strolls backstage, humming. He runs into the moose.
Moose Hi.
Kermit Uh, hello, yourself.
Moose Remember me? Mickey Moose?
Kermit How can I forget? (frowns)
Moose You don't have to get touchy about it.
220-12
Duck Excuse me. Perchance have you seen a Mickey Moose around?
Kermit Uh, who wants to know?
Character.ronaldduck
Duck Uh, Ronald. Ronald Duck.
Moose (laughs)
Kermit Ronald Duck and Mickey Moose? Would you guys get out of here? (shoos them out the door) Come on, out!
Duck 'Tis a far far better moose and duck you find before you…
Kermit GET OUT!!

Veterinarian's Hospital

Piggy plays with electrical prongs, then takes her place at the table.
Announcer And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stooooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
An old blue Whatnot lies on the table.
Rowlf Hey, nurse, how's this next patient?
Janice Not groovy, Dr. Bob. You better hurry, though. He's slipping fast.
Rowlf Oh, maybe he's got slipping sickness.
They all laugh.
Miss Piggy No, no, he must have something else.
Rowlf He better have. Money, for one thing.
They all laugh.
Miss Piggy You mean, you won't operate till you're paid?
Rowlf Right. I don't make a cut till I take my cut.
They all laugh.
Janice Righteous, Dr. Bob — (gasp!) Dr. Bob, the patient is sinking fast.
Rowlf He is sinking. I don't understand it.
Miss Piggy Quick, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf Quick what?
Miss Piggy Quicksand.
They all laugh.
Rowlf I don't understand that either. (looks into the sinkhole)
220-13
Rowlf Hey, I can't see a thing down here. Hand me a hypodermic needle.
Janice What for?
Rowlf Just a shot in the dark.
They all laugh. He looks deeper into the sinkhole, and falls down. Piggy peeks inside.
Rowlf Oh! Whoa!
Miss Piggy Dr. Bob! Are you all right?
Janice Is he all right?
Piggy falls down the sinkhole, screaming.
Janice Oh, Miss Piggy!
Janice looks down the sinkhole and also falls.
Janice Oh, wow. Oh! Oh, wow! What a downer.
Announcer So, once again we come to the end of Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Bob say...
220-14
Rowlf At least I won't have to declare this on my income tax.
Miss Piggy Why not?
Rowlf I got paid under the table. (they all laugh)
Janice . Righteous. Righteous, Dr. Bob. Righteous.
Statler Oh, I wish they had done that differently.
Waldorf How would you want them to do it?
Statler Better.
They chuckle.

The Swedish Chef

Open on the Chef, dancing with stalks of cilantro, which he tosses. He picks up a loaf of bread.
Swedish Chef (sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
He tosses the loaf.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) ... de chøcølåte møüsse. (mock Swedish) ... de chøcølåte …
He drizzles it into a bowl.
Swedish Chef Yüm yüm yüm, de chøcølåte ... (stirs it) gøød, gøød chøcølåte. Ünd nøw, de møüsse.
He leads the moose into the kitchen.
Swedish Chef Møüsse, møüsse. Cøme hëre, de møüsse! (pets it) … de chøcølåte øn de møüsse.
SCchocolatemoose 220-15
He spreads it on the moose's snout, humming. Kermit rushes onstage.
Kermit Wait a minute, wait a minute! You cannot... Stop. Curtain. Cut!

Dressing room

Scooter Hey, Petula?
Petula Yes?
Scooter Have you seen the set for your closing number?
Petula No, Scooter, I haven't. What's it like?
Scooter Oh, it's sensational.
Petula Yeah?
Scooter Yeah. It's a fountain, with real water!
Petula Wow.
Scooter Yeah, and it's fifteen feet high. And it's made of real glass.
Petula Glass?
Scooter Yeah. It's the prettiest thing...
Kermit (offscreen) Hey, would you get that moose out of here? Oh — look out!
They overhear glass shattering. Petula facepalms.
Scooter Cancel the fountain.
Exit Scooter. Enter Kermit.
220-16
Kermit Um, um, Miss Clark, there's been a little bit of trouble.
Petula Yes, I know. Well, look, it doesn't matter. Look — we can do without the fountain anyway. Those flowers — that lovely big spray of flowers, that'll be perfect.
Kermit Oh. Well, about those flowers...
Petula Yes?
Kermit … uh, the moose ate them.
Music swells up.
Petula Oh. Well, it doesn't matter. We don't really need that fancy decor. It's the kind of song that will work anywhere. Believe me. It'll be okay.
Kermit It will. Really?
220-17
She sings "Tomorrow". The other Muppets join her.

Goodnights

Kermit Okay, well, that's just about the end of the show. But befooore we go, let us have a warm thank you for our special guest star. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Petula Clark! YAAAYY!
Applause.
Petula Thank you! Thank you. Thank you. I had a fabulous time, Kermit.
Kermit Oh, good.
Petula Mm. I loved all the acts. I think the Muppets are fabulous and I'm … I'm crazy about the moose.
220-18
Moose Now, that's my kind of woman.
She gives him a kiss.
Kermit Okay, we'll see you next time on The Mickey— uh, The Muppet Show!
The other Muppets gather as the credits roll.
Statler All right, frog, we watched the show!
Waldorf Yeah. Unlock the doors.
ATV
THE END

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