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Episode 219: Peter Sellers/transcript

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Cold open

Theme

Opening number

Backstage

"When"

Backstage

Dressing room

UK spot

Link and Doctor Merkwürdigliebe

Backstage

"Bein' Green"

Muppet Labs

"Cigarettes and Whiskey"

Goodnights

[Knocking on door]

Peter Sellers, fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Sellers. Gonzo?

[Grunting]

  - [Shouts]    - [Knife twangs]

Fifteen seconds? I should live so long.

[Drumroll]

It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Peter Sellers.

[Applause and whistles]

  1. Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light
  1. Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight
  1. Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right
  1. Lt's time to get things started
  - [coughs to beat of music]    - [Blows nose]
  1. Lt's time to get things started
  1. On the most sensational, inspirational
  1. celebrational, Muppetational
  1. This is what we call The Muppet Show #

Thief.

[Applause]

Welcome, welcome, to The Muppet Show.

Hey, tonight's guest star is one of the great film stars of the world.

He is the epitome of the witty, urbane Englishman,

so, naturally, we've asked him to play a demented gypsy violinist.

Listen, I run the show and I don't understand it.

Anyhow, here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Peter Sellers.

It is I, Boris.

With his sobbing violin.

We have got any requests?

Yes, but you gonna play anyway.

[All laughing]

Such unkindness is to break the heart, huh?

  1. A gypsy' s heart is yearning
  1. A gypsy's blood is churning
  1. A gypsy's brain is learning
  1. A gypsy's roast is burning
  1. There are tears on the strings
  1. Of a gypsy's violin
  1. And tears fall on the bow as he cries

[crying]

  1. Poor poor gypsy
  1. Now L cannot play
  1. Until my violin dries
  1. So-oh-oh
  1. Play zigeuner play, play, play
  1. Leave all your sorrows be forgotten
  1. Play zigeuner play, play, play
  1. Even though your playing may be rotten

[Boris] Who said that? Something's rotten here.

  - Not me, not me, Boris.    - You say some rotten things here.
  1. Oh, the gypsy's heart is aching
  1. And the gypsy's heart is sad
  1. As he dances to the beating tambourines

[all] Oh!

  1. Once his love gave him golden earrings
  1. And now his ears are turning green
  1. So-oh-oh
  1. Play zigeuner play, play, play
  1. Play with all your delicate precision
  1. Play zigeuner play, play, play
  1. Soon you'll be replaced by television
  1. Play play play play
  1. Play gypsy play, play play play play
  1. Play gypsy play, play play play play
  1. Play gypsy play, play play play play

[rapidly] # Play play play

Listen, any more talk like that and I will play.

  1. Play gypsy
  1. Play #

I love good gypsy music.

  - So?    - So, I wish they'd play some.
  - [Cheering, whooping]    - Quiet, quiet, quiet backstage!

Backstage is quiet!

Next time I think I'm going to schedule a nice, quiet Gregorian chant.

[Motorcycle revs]

Gangway! Cancel my motorcycle act, Kermit!

  - Gonzo!    - [Crashing]

Oh, what a day this has been.

If this keeps up, I'm gonna wind up talking to myself.

Ooh, my, my. Another scientific breakthrough for Muppet Labs.

Bunsen Honeydew, what do you mean sneaking up on me like that?

Something's going on here.

I've been shouted at, run down by a motorcycle,

  - and now I'm...    - Hey, Kermit?

You're talking to yourself.

Thank goodness we got a quiet song coming up.

  1. When the whippoorwill is singing in the forest

That's a whippoorwill right there.

  1. When the little brook is murmuring a tune
  1. When the mockingbird is chirping in the wild wood
  1. And a lonely wolf is howling at the moon

[howls]

  1. When the leaves of the old oak tree start a-rustling
  1. And a waterfall makes sounds like woman's tears
  1. When the whole world is filled
  1. With Mother Nature's noises
  1. That's the time to stuff cotton in your ears #

You never know when something funny is gonna happen on this show.

  - Did something funny happen?    - Yeah.

You'd never know it.

Rowlf, that was supposed to be a nice, quiet number.

  - [Beaker making noises]    - Beaker!
  - [Alarmed cry]    - [Crashing]

Beaker?! What is it with you guys from the lab?

Where's Bunsen and now you? What are you guys trying to do to us?!

  - Hey, Kermit?    - What is it?

Now you're shouting at yourself.

[Imitates woman] Tell John Brown we are ready to receive him.

Peter, what is this?

It was to have been, my dear Kermit,

it was to have been a grand impersonation

of her late Majesty, Queen Victoria,

But, but, uh, what went wrong?

I couldn't remember what she looked like.

I just love all your wild characters, Peter.

But, you know, backstage here, you can just relax and be yourself.

Mmm, mmm, but that, you see, my dear Kermit,

would be altogether impossible.

I could never be myself.

  - Never yourself?    - No.

You see, there is no me. I do not exist.

I, I beg your pardon?

  - Yes?    - There used to be a me.
  - Mm-hmm.    - But, I had it surgically removed.

Can we change the subject?

Oh, certainly, certainly.

Um... as a matter of fact,

you might just be interested in a new act I have recently perfected.

  - Um...    - Well, what is it?
  - Well, it's original, it's original.    - Yeah?

I recite the soliloquy from Shakespeare's Richard the Third,

whilst, and at the same time,

playing tuned chickens.

So, you recite the soliloquy from Shakespeare's Richard the Third,

whist, and at the same time, playing tuned chickens?

You have it, my dear, Kermit. You have it.

Tuned chickens, mmm, once more into the bridge.

[Clears throat]

And now, is the winter of our discontent...

[clucking]

... made glorious summer...

[clucking]

... by this sun of York.

[Clucking]

  - And all the clouds...    - [clucking]
  - ... that lour'd upon our house...    - [clucking]

... in the deep bosom of the ocean buried.

[Clucking]

Thank you.

  - [Kermit stammers]    - They did fine.
  - I enjoy a good ticking.    - [Kermit stammering]

That act is really wonderful.

  - Uh, but you can't do that on our show.    - Why ever not?

Because Gonzo just did it last month.

It died, Peter.

It was terrible. I mean, they've got no taste around here.

Ooh, but you're absolutely right, my dear Gonzo.

They have no taste at all.

Where did he go?

Well, that's been happening all day around here. I don't know why.

But, if people or objects suddenly appear or disappear, try to ignore them.

[Stammers] Cancel that last remark!

  - Run!    - I have a pressing appointment!

Oh, thank goodness he got away in time.

Uh, unlike some people around here.

[Applause]

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

...uh, my foot is stuck.

Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen... who chews gum around here?

Uh, the Great Gonzo also sings and...

uh, here he is to sing an old favorite, Down Memory Lane.

[Cries out] Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo.

[Applause]

[Applause]

[Straining]

[Exhales]

One.

Seventy-two.

[Grunts] Seventy-three.

Somebody call for a masseur?

Oh, yes, Doc, good.

[Chuckles] Well, I'm just here to try to...

...loosen up your knotty little body, yes? [chuckling]

  - Go ahead, Doc.    - I shall start here.
  - [Moaning]    - How does that feel?

You like that?

  - Oh, yeah.    - Good.

Well, the next thing I must do

is to test out the elasticity of the tendons in the leg areas.

  - By the use of the simple thing...    - Ow!

Yes.

I'm sure I didn't miss you, I'm a very good shot.

Tell me, Link, if you can feel that the flab is moving. How is that?

  - [Groans]    - How is that?

And again is on this one here.

[Groans]

Oh, Dr. De Ericlever is pleased, you know.

Very unusual feeling.

Oh, Link, I'm going to try both of them in this.

  - How is that? Feel that?    - Oh! Yeah.

Doing you good, Linky?

Yay, I caught it.

Ah, Link, let me see if it has done what I need.

Oh, yes.

Yes, yes.

Yes, I think also...

Yes, this is necessary. Are you prepared for a bit of manipulation here?

I'm going to easily bring this leg around...

...up! - Ahh!

Oh.

  - You did not feel that, Link?    - Oh, no.
  - Your muscles are in good condition.    - Oh, yeah.

I can tell a good muscle when I feel one, Link.

And this one will have to close our other side!

That is leaving your arms free at the moment, you know.

Oh, yeah.

But, is necessary when in this position,

for the vertebras and the deltoids, you understand,

to bring this arm here and the other arm there.

And putting this here like this.

Wait, Link, you've got my arm in here.

Let go of me, Link.

Let go of my arm, Link.

Thank you, Link.

I can see you like to keep it when you've got it, huh?

Why don't I put that here?

Is that my foot?

Ah, Linky, how do you feel?

Ah, yes, well, very different, Doc.

All that blood is circulating nicely on your body.

Mm-hm.

Good. I can see that you are in real good condition now, Link.

  - [Moan]    - Same time next week.

Doc?

Doc?

Help!

Help!

  - [Link] Help!    - Was that supposed to end that way?

I don't think so.

  - Go check the next act, please.    - Yes, sir.

Kermit, take it easy. Come on, now.

Uh, Kermit, that's the best massage I've ever had.

  - Hmm.    - That Peter O'Toole is good.

Hey! Peter O'Toole? Link!

[Both scream]

[Glass breaking]

[Stammers] What is this? I think I'm going crazy today!

Kermit! Oh, Kermit!

Kermit! Oh, no! The next act just cancelled.

[Cries out] What? But, that was a terrific act.

It was Prunella and her Prancing Poultry.

Yeah... Kermit, see, about that poultry...

...yesterday duck hunting season began.

[Sighs]

I don't want to hear about it. I will go and explain to the audience.

Uh... uh, ladies and gentlemen,

I don't know how to tell you this,

frankly, the next act can't make it.

They're otherwise engaged with a lot of orange sauce, I'm afraid.

Anyhow, I don't have anything to replace it.

Oh, boy.

You may have noticed that we're not terribly well organized around here,

and tonight I'm just barely making it, I don't know...

...sometimes it's very difficult.

  1. Lt's not easy being green
  1. Having to spend each day the color of the leaves
  1. When L think it could be nicer
  1. Being red or yellow or gold
  1. Or something much more colorful like that
  1. Lt's not easy bein' green
  1. Lt seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things
  1. And people tend to pass you over
  1. Cause you're not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water
  1. Or stars in the sky
  1. But green's the color of spring
  1. And green can be cool and friendly-like
  1. And green can be big like a mountain
  1. Or important like a river
  1. Or tall like a tree
  1. When green is all there is to be
  1. Lt could make you wonder why
  1. But why wonder
  1. Why wonder
  1. L'm green and it'll do fine

It's beautiful.

  1. And L think it's what L want to be #

[birds singing]

[Applause]

Welcome again to Muppet Labs where the future is being made today.

Well, I am just bubbly with excitement.

We have just been testing our new Muppet Labs teleporter

and it works perfectly.

You see, a teleporter is a device which instantly transports people

from one place to another.

A-ha! So, that's what's been happening here.

You have been zapping people in and out of my theater!

[Stammers] I'm in the midst of a very important demonstration.

Yeah? Well, listen, I'm in the midst of a nervous breakdown.

You cannot go zapping people around...

As I was saying, our new teleporter works perfectly.

A few minutes ago, I sent my assistant, Beaker,

hurtling through space to the deepest jungles in Africa.

And now we will bring him back.

Beaker, put that gorilla back!

You don't know where he's been.

[Clears throat] There.

Back to Africa they go. And now just Beaker will return.

[Kermit yelling] This has got to stop, Dr. Honeydew!

  - [Shouting]    - [Stammers]

That's all today from Muppet Labs.

You bet that's all!

I am gonna make this introduction.

  - Ladies and gentlemen...    - Now is the winter of our discontent.

Peter! You're supposed to be in your costume for your next number.

  - I beg your pardon.    - Wait. By the way...
  - Yes?    - The show is running a bit long.
  - So try to be short.    - Short? Yes.

How about this?

He takes things so literally.

Ladies and gentlemen, I take pride in presenting

the incredible Peter Sellers!

[Applause]

A preachment, dear friends, you're about to receive,

on John Barleycorn, nicotine and the temptations of Eve.

  - Yay!    - Let's hear it.

You will, brother, you will.

Melodies, please.

[# Cigarettes, Whiskey and Wild, Wild Women]

I believe, I'll give it up!

  - Same temptation.    - Somebody get that bum outta here.

Hallelujah brother.

[Applause]

OK, well, that's about it for this show but, before we go,

let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star,

ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Peter Sellers!

[Applause]

Thank you very much, indeed.

Uh, well, there you are.

Were.

Am.

This is all too much for me. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

Well, what did you think?

Yeah, I know what you...

I'd like to dedicate this to the boys at the J.P. Grosse Collection Agency,

  1. Give me that money Can't get enough...

See you next time on The Muppet Show!

I wonder if anybody watches this show besides us.

Besides me.

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