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Episode 219: Peter Sellers/transcript

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Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door.
Scooter Peter Sellers, fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Sellers. Gonzo?
Gonzo, dressed in a cape, looks in a hand mirror and attempts to throw a knife backwards. THWACK! The knife lands on the wall, inches away from a familiar face.
219 cold open
Peter (as Inspector Clouseau) Fifteen seconds? I should live so long!
WHACK! He ducks as another knife hits the wall.

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Peter Sellers! Ah!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler coughs and Waldorf blows his nose to the theme music.
219 trumpet
Gonzo is nearly blown out of the "O" when Beautiful Day Monster comes up behind with a competing trumpet.
Gonzo Thief.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Welcome, welcome, welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, tonight's guest star is one of the great film stars of the world. He is the epitome of the witty, urbane Englishman, so, naturally, we've asked him to play a demented gypsy violinist. Listen, I run the show and I don't understand it. Anyhow, here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Peter Sellers!
Open on a gypsy caravan. Spectators gather as "Boris" emerges and a Csárdás sting plays.
Peter It is I, Boris. With his sobbing violin. We have got any requests?
Accordionist Yes, but you gonna play anyway.
They all laugh.
Peter Such unkindness is to break the heart, huh?
Csárdás music swells up as he sings.
Peter

A gypsy's heart is yearning.
A gypsy's blood is churning.
A gypsy's brain is learning. >sniff<
A gypsy's roast is burning.

A live goat appears behind him as they join him in the song.
Peter & Muppets

There are tears on the strings of a gypsy's violin,
And tears fall on the bow as he cries.

Peter

Poor poor gypsy! Now I cannot play!
Until my violin dries.

Peter & Muppets

So-oh-oh …
(the tempo picks up)
Play zigeuner! Play, play, play! Leave all your sorrows be forgotten.
Play zigeuner play, play, play,

Accordionist Even though your playing may be rotten.
They all laugh.
Peter Who said that? Something's rotten was said here.
Accordionist Not me, not me, Boris.
Peter You saying some rotten things here.

Oh, the gypsy's heart is aching,
And the gypsy's heart is sad,
As he dances to the beating tambourines.

Muppets (moaning)
Peter

Once his love gave him golden earrings,
And now the ears are turning green.

219 gypsy
Peter & Muppets

So-oh-oh …
(the tempo picks up)
Play zigeuner! Play, play, play!

Peter Play with all your delicate precision!
Peter & Muppets Play zigeuner! Play, play, play!
Accordionist Soon you'll be replaced by television!
They all laugh.
Muppets

Play play play play! Play, gypsy, play!
Play play play play! Play, gypsy, play!
Play play play play! Play, gypsy, play!
Play play play play play …

Peter starts strumming rapidly. The music pauses.
Peter (as Groucho Marx) Listen, any more talk like that and I will play.
Big finish…
Peter & Muppets Play, gypsy … Play!
Applause.
Statler I love good gypsy music.
Waldorf So?
Statler So, I wish they'd play some.
They chuckle.

Backstage

The gypsy band passes Kermit, making noise.
Kermit Quiet, quiet, quiet backstage! Backstage is quiet! Hoo! Next time I think I'm going to schedule a nice, quiet Gregorian chant.
A loud VROOM VROOM is heard. Gonzo zooms by him on a motorcycle.
Gonzo Gangwayyyy! Kermit! Cancel my motorcycle act!
Kermit Gonzo!
CRASH!
Kermit Oh, what a day this has been. If this keeps up, I'm gonna wind up talking to myself.
POP! Dr. Bunsen suddenly appears behind him.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Ooh, my my my. Another scientific breakthrough for Muppet Labs.
219 bunsen kermit
Kermit Bunsen Honeydew, what do you mean sneaking up on me like that?
POP! Kermit hardly notices Bunsen disappear.
Kermit Something's going on here. I've been shouted at, run down by a motorcycle, and now I'm...
Scooter (passing by) Hey, Kermit? You're talking to yourself.
Kermit (looks around, confused) Thank goodness we got a quiet song coming up. (runs off)

"When"

Open on a lit candelabra on top of the piano as Rowlf plays.
Rowlf When the whippoorwill is singing in the forest…
He plays a little trill.
Rowlf That's a whippoorwill right there.

When the little brook is murmuring a tune …
When the mockingbird is chirping in the wild wood …
And a lonely wolf is howling at the moon … (howls)

219 when
Rowlf

When the leaves of the old oak tree start a-rustling,
And a waterfall makes sounds like woman's tears …
When the whole world is filled with Mother Nature's noises…
That's the time to stuff cotton in your ears!

Waldorf You never know when something funny is gonna happen on this show.
Statler Did something funny happen?
Waldorf Yeah.
Statler You'd never know it.
They chuckle.

Backstage

Rowlf passes by.
Kermit Rowlf, that was supposed to be a nice, quiet number.
POP! Beaker appears behind him, holding a chemistry set.
219 kermit beaker
Kermit Beaker!
Beaker yelps, tossing the chemistry set.
Kermit Beaker?! What is it with you guys from the lab? (POP! Beaker disappears.) First Bunsen and now you? What are you guys trying to do to us?!
Scooter (passing by) Hey, Kermit? Kermit?
Kermit WHAT IS IT??
Scooter Now you're shouting at yourself.
Kermit looks around, whimpering.

Dressing room

Meanwhile, Peter is in his dressing room, wearing a wig, an opera helmet, a girdle and a boxing glove, practicing a monologue.
Peter (falsetto voice) Tell John Brown we are ready to receive him.
Kermit Peter, uh, what is this?
Peter (thespian voice) It was to have been, my dear Kermit, it was to have been a grand impersonation of her late Majesty, Queen Victoria, whilst on vacation at Bognor Regis, in the year 1888.
Kermit But, but, uh, what went wrong?
Peter I couldn't remember what she looked like. (he sits)
Kermit Uh, you know, I just love all your wild characters, Peter. But, you know, backstage here, you can just relax and be yourself.
Peter Mmm, mmm, but that, you see, my dear Kermit, would be altogether impossible. I could never be myself.
Kermit Never yourself?
Peter No. You see … there is no me. I do not exist.
Kermit I, I beg your pardon?
Peter looks around, making sure the coast is clear.
Kermit Yes?
Peter There used to be a me.
Kermit Mm-hmm.
219 surgically removed
Peter But, I had it surgically removed.
Kermit Uh, can we uh, change the subject?
Peter Oh, certainly, certainly. Um... as a matter of fact, you might just be interested in a new act I have recently perfected. Um...
Kermit Well, what is it?
Peter Well, it's original, it's original.
Kermit Yeah?
Peter I, um, recite the soliloquy from Shakespeare's Richard the Third, whilst, and at the same time, playing tuned chickens.
Kermit So, you recite the soliloquy from Shakespeare's Richard the Third, whist, and at the same time, playing tuned chickens?
Peter You have it, my dear, Kermit. You have it. Tuned chickens, mmm, once more into the bridge.
Two chickens appear in his arms, and he "plays" them.
219 tuned chickens
Peter And now, is the winter of our discontent... made glorious summer... by this sun of York. And all the clouds... that lour'd upon our house... in the deep bosom of the ocean buried.
He squeezes a "shave and a haircut" out of the chickens, then gives them some feed. Applause.
Peter Thank you.
Kermit Uh, well, Peter, that … that is really… that is uh, that …
Peter They did fine. I enjoy a good ticking.
Kermit hat act is really wonderful. Uh, but you can't do that on our show.
Peter Why ever not?
Kermit Well, because Gonzo just did it last month.
Gonzo And it died, Peter. It was terrible. I mean, they've got no taste around here.
Peter Ooh, but you're absolutely right, my dear Gonzo. They have no taste at all.
POP! Gonzo disappears.
Peter Where did he go?
Kermit Well, Peter, you know, that's been happening all day around here. I don't know why. But, if people or objects just suddenly appear or disappear, try to ignore them.
POP! A bomb with a lit fuse appears on the table.
Kermit Uh, cancel that last remark! Run!
Peter I have a pressing appointment!
POP! Peter disappears.
Kermit Oh, thank goodness he got away in time.
BOOM! The bomb explodes, rattling Kermit.
Kermit Uh, unlike some people around here. (faints)

UK spot

Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen... (tugs) uh, my foot is stuck. Uh … and now, ladies and gentlemen, uh … who chews gum around here? Uh, the Great Gonzo also sings and... uh, here he is to sing an old favorite, "Down Memory Lane."
PLOP! He unsticks himself and falls over.
Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!
MemoryLane 219 memory lane
Rowlf plays the piano as Gonzo sings "Memory Lane." At the end, he wheels away the piano, as well as Rowlf.

Link and Doctor Merkwürdigliebe

Open on an operating table. Link struggles to do a pushup.
Link Hogthrob (exhales) One.
Link sees the doctor enter and does two more.
Link Hogthrob Seventy-two. Seventy-three.
Peter (as Dr. Strangelove) Somebody call for ze masseur?
Link Hogthrob Oh, yes, Doc, good.
Peter (chuckles) Well, I'm just here to try to... loosen up your knotty little body, yes?
Link Hogthrob Good, Doc.
He starts on Link's shoulders.
Peter I shall start here. How is that, Link?
Link Hogthrob Oh, nice.
Peter You like zat?
Link Hogthrob Oh, yeah.
PeterSellersMassageLink
Peter Good. Now, the next thing I must do, Link, is to test out ze elasticity of the tendons in the leg areas.
Link Hogthrob Mm, good.
Peter It's quite easy.
He picks up a dumbbell and drops it on Link's feet.
Peter By the use of the simple little thing...
Link Hogthrob Ow! Yes.
Peter I'm sure zat didn't missed you, I'm a very good shot, you know.
He rolls up Link's left leg in the dumbbell, then the right leg.
Peter Tell me, Link, if you can feel that the blood is flowing easier wiz zat.
Link Hogthrob (sighs)
Peter How is that? And again is on zis vun here. How is that?
Link Hogthrob (sighs)
Peter Oh, Dr. Merkwürdigliebe is pleased, you know.
Link Hogthrob Very unusual feeling.
He rolls up both of Link's legs in the barbell.
Peter Oh, Link, I'm going to try both of them in this. How is that? You can feel that?
Link Hogthrob Oh! Yeah.
Peter Doing you good, Linky?
He unrolls the barbell and catches it.
Peter Yay, I caught it. (puts it down) Now, Linky, let me see if that has done what I thought.
He tests the elasticity of each leg.
Peter Oh, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, I think also... I think that's necessary, Link. Are you prepared for a bit of manipulation here? I'm just going to easily bring this leg around TO ZE BACK, LINK!
He bends the leg backward! Link groans.
Peter You did not feel zat, Link?
Link Hogthrob Oh, no, no, it felt good.
Peter Ze muscles are in good condition.
Link Hogthrob Oh, yes, I loved it.
Peter I can tell a good muscle when I feel one, Link, you know. And zis one will have to come ze OTHER SIDE!
He swings the other leg around.
Peter That is leaving your arms free at the moment, you notice.
Link Hogthrob Yes.
Peter But, is necessary when in zis position, for the vertebras and the altadeltoids, you understand, to bring zis arm here and ze other arm dere.
He proceeds to tie Link into a pretzel.
Sellers&amp;link
Peter And putting zis here like zis. … Wait, Link, you've got my arm in here. Let go of me, Link. Let go of my arm, Link.
Link Hogthrob Well uh …
Peter (frees himself) Thank you, Link. I can see you like to keep it when you've got it, huh? Wait while I put zat zere.
Link Hogthrob Is that my foot?
Peter Ah, Linky, how do you feel?
Link Hogthrob Ah, yes, well, very different, Doc.
Peter All that blood is circulating nicely around your body?
Link Hogthrob Mm-hm.
Peter Good. I can see zat you are in real good condition now, Link. Same time next week.
He exits the room. Applause.
Link Hogthrob Doc? Doc? Help! Help!

Backstage

Kermit and Fozzie overhear Link as he cries for help.
Fozzie Oh boy.
Kermit Was that supposed to end that way?
Fozzie I don't think so.
Kermit Fozzie, would you go check the next act, please?
Fozzie Yes, sir. Hey Kermit, take it easy. Come on, now.
219 kermit link
Link Hogthrob Uh, Kermit, that's the best massage I've ever had. Hmm. That Peter O'Toole is good. ("ankles" away)
Kermit Peter O'Toole? Link!
POP! Beaker appears in front of him. He shrieks, causing Beaker to throw up a teacup in the air. Beaker disappears right before the teacup lands.
Kermit (stammers) What is this? I think I'm going crazy today!
Fozzie Kermit! Oh, Kermit! Kermit!
Kermit What?
Fozzie Oh, no! The next act just cancelled.
Kermit What? But, that was a terrific act. It was Prunella and her Prancing Poultry.
Fozzie Yeah, I know, yeah, yeah … Kermit, see, about, about that poultry...
Kermit Mm-hm.
219 fozzie kermit
Fozzie … yesterday duck hunting season began.
Kermit I don't want to hear about it. I will go and explain to the audience.

"Bein' Green"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Uh... uh, ladies and gentlemen, I don't know how to tell you this, uh, but uh, frankly, the next act can't make it. They're otherwise engaged with a lot of orange sauce, I'm afraid. Anyhow, I don't have anything to replace it.
The curtain opens behind him, revealing a blank set.
Kermit Oh, boy. You may have noticed that we're not terribly well organized around here, and … and tonight I'm just barely making it, I don't know... sometimes it's very difficult.
219 box
Music swells up as he goes to sit on a crate. As he sings "Bein' Green", the stage gradually fills with a swamp setting.

Muppet Labs

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, I am just bubbly with excitement. We have just been testing our new Muppet Labs teleporter, and it works perfectly. You see, a teleporter is a device which instantly transports people from one place to another.
Kermit A-ha! So, that's what's been happening around here. You have been zapping people in and out of my theater!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew (stammers) Please, Mr. Kermit, I'm in the very midst of an important demonstration.
He pushes Kermit into the teleporter.
Labs.teleporter
Kermit Yeah? Well, listen, I'm in the midst of a nervous breakdown. You cannot go zapping people around...
POP! Kermit disappears with the push of a button.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew As I was saying, our new teleporter works perfectly. A few minutes ago, I sent my assistant, Beaker, hurtling through space to the deepest jungles of Africa. And now we will bring him back.
219 labs
POP! With the push of a button, Beaker appears, being manhandled by a wild mountain gorilla.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Beaker! Beaker, put that gorilla back! Oh! You don't know where he's been!
POP! He sends them back.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew There. Back to Africa they go. And now just Beaker will return.
POP! Kermit and the gorilla return.
Kermit Beaker, this thing has gotta stop! Honeydew?! Wha — whoever did this?!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew That's all today from Muppet Labs.
Kermit You bet that's all!
Kermit frees himself as the scene ends in chaos.

"Cigarettes and Whiskey"

Main stage. Fozzie enters.
Fozzie Oh boy, I am gonna make this introduction. Ladies and gentlemen...
Enter Peter.
Peter Now is the winter of our discontent.
Fozzie Peter — Peter!
Peter Yes?
Fozzie Y — You're supposed to be in your costume for the next number.
Peter Oh, I beg your pardon.
Fozzie Oh, wait here — uh, by the way...
Peter Yes?
Fozzie The show is running a bit long.
Peter Yes.
Fozzie So try to be short.
Peter Short? Yes. How about this?
219 short
He lowers himself to Fozzie's level and waddles away.
Fozzie He takes things so literally. Ladies and gentlemen, I take pride in presenting the incredible Peter Sellers!
The curtain opens on a Salvation Army band, with Peter on the bass drum.
Peter (over the opening vamp) A preachment, dear friends, you're about to receive, on John Barleycorn, nicotine, and the temptations of Eve.
Tambourine player Oh yay!
Alcoholic Well, if it's so good, let's hear it.
Peter You will, brother, you will. Melodies, please.
Cue the music.
219 cigarettes
Peter

Once I was happy and I had a good wife.
I had enough money to last me for life.
I met with a gal and we went on a spree.
She tort me to smoke and drink whuskey.

Peter & Muppets

Cigareets and whuskey and wild, wild women —
They'll drive you crazy, they'll drive you insane!

BOOM! They all jump to his loud bass drum hits.
Peter & Muppets

Cigareets and whuskey and wild, wild women —
They'll drive you crazy, they'll drive you insane!

Alcoholic I believe! I'll give it up!
Peter

Cigareets is a blight on the whole human race!
A man is a monkey with one in his face.
That's my definition; believe me, dear brother…
A fire on one end and a fool on the t'other.

Peter & Muppets

Cigareets and whuskey and wild, wild women —
They'll drive you crazy, they'll drive you insane!
Cigareets and whuskey and wild, wild women —
They'll drive you crazy, they'll drive you insane!

Pig Sing "Temptation"!
Peter Somebody get that bum outta here?

Right on the cross at the head of my grave —
"To women and whiskey, here lies a poor slave".
Take warning, dear stranger, take warning, dear friend.
They'll write in big letters these words at thy end…

Peter & Muppets

Cigareets and whuskey and wild, wild women —
They'll drive you crazy, they'll drive you insane!
Cigareets and whuskey and wild, wild women —
They'll drive you crazy, they'll drive you insane!
They'll drive you crazy, they'll drive you insaaaaaaaaaane!

Peter Hallelujah, brother!
Applause.

Goodnights

Kermit OK, well, that's about it for this show but, before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Peter Sellers!
POP! Peter appears behind Kermit.
Peter Thank you very much, indeed. (bows)
Kermit Uh, well, there you are.
POP! Peter disappears.
Kermit Uh — were.
POP! Peter appears behind Kermit wearing a helmet.
Peter (German accent) Am.
Kermit Uh, this is all too much for me. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
219 closing
POP! A gaggle of Muppets appears behind Kermit. The credits roll.
Statler Well, what did you think?
POP! Waldorf disappears.
219 statler
Statler Yeah, I know what you...
POP! Statler disappears.
ATV
THE END

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