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Episode 217: Julie Andrews/transcript

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Cold open

Theme

Opening number

Backstage

Muppet newsflash

Gonzo's act

Backstage

"Moonlight Sonata"

Talk spot

At the Dance

UK spot

Backstage

Editorial

Backstage

The Swedish Chef

Muppet Labs

Backstage

"I Whistle a Happy Tune"

Goodnights

[Knocking on door]

Julie Andrews? Uh, fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Andrews.

Thank you. Thank you, I'll be ready.

I'll be ready just so long as nobody else drops in.

[All] Whoo!

[All shouting]

[Drumroll]

It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Julie Andrews.

Yay!

[Applause]

  1. Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light
  1. Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight
  1. Lt's time to put on make-up Lt's time to dress up right
  1. Lt's time to get things started

[whistling]

  1. Lt's time to get things started on the most sensational
  1. Lnspirational, celebrational
  1. Muppetational
  1. This is what we call
  1. The Muppet Show #

[high-pitch squeak]

[Applause]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Welcome again to The Muppet Show.

We're very excited around here tonight.

Our guest star is a wonderfully talented lady and a good friend of mine,

and here she is now. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Julie Andrews!

[# The Lonely Goatherd]

You know, I seen the movie twice.

Hooray! Bravo! I loved the goat.

He would... the old goat.

OK, great opening number with the goats and the pigs.

  - [Mooing]    - Way to go, cow.

Cow?

[Cries out]

  - It's a real cow, all right. Scooter!    - Yeah, chief?

Refresh my memory. Uh, was there a cow in that opening number?

  - No.    - Then what's a cow doing backstage?
  - What cow?    - That cow right there!
  - [Mooing]    - Kermit, that's a cow!
  - I know! How'd it get in here?    - I guess he must've sneaked in.

Cows don't sneak. Snakes sneak.

  - Uh, find out who it belongs to.    - OK.

Who do you belong to?

  - Scooter!    - OK, chief. OK.

[Groans] I think they're gonna love this show in Jersey.

[Man] Here is a Muppet news flash.

A plane carrying a load of sports equipment

was forced to jettison some of its cargo.

...and one bowling ball.

Ladies and gentlemen, in a major feat of

death-defying musicrobatics never seen before...

...uh, the Great Gonzo will perform

on bagpipes the Eine Kleine Nachtmusik

from a flagpole... ten feet in the air?

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!

[Fanfare plays]

[Begins playing]

[Blows]

[Gonzo yelling]

Hey, Gonzo should quit while he's ahead.

Gonzo should quit while he's alive.

  - [Moans]    - Are you OK, Gonzo?

Oh, sure. I just fell 10 feet onto solid concrete.

Huh, well, that's too bad. It looks like you're gonna have to get a new bagpipe.

Yeah, I'm having it made out of solid beaver skin.

Uh, sorry about that beaver. I don't know how it got in here.

Usually we're much more careful about who we allow in this place.

Yeah, I can see that.

Yeah, the cow. It's been a bad night for security.

Wow. You got a great pair of legs.

In fact, she's got two great pair of legs.

Hey, uh, you wouldn't think about going into show business, would you?

Will you at least have dinner with me? Promise?

  - Gonzo!    - Oh.
  - Hey, chief?    - Hmm?

Well, so far nobody knows nothing about the cow.

Well, keep trying. We cannot have a cow backstage.

  - Hmm. Well, look on the bright side.    - Hmm?

At least you won't have to give us milk money anymore.

Scooter!

[# Beethoven: Moonlight Sonata]

[Applause]

It's very nice to be able to talk quietly with you for a minute.

Thank you, Kermit, I feel the same way. There was something I was going to ask.

  - Excuse me, Julie. Hey, Kermit?    - Yeah?

Your nephew Robin just fell in a tuba.

  - He just what?    - He fell in a tuba.

But, it's OK. Animal's getting him out.

  - [Tuba blaring]    - [Robin] Whee!

Hey, Robin, are you all right?

Yeah, it's fun!

You were saying, Julie?

  - I was gonna ask...    - I hate to interrupt, Julie.
  - Excuse me, Kermit?    - Yeah?

Uh, did you ask to see the Flying Zuccini's human cannonball act?

  - Not right now.    - OK, I'll go tell them. Bye.
  - Bye.    - [Cannon booms]

Uh, Kermit, I was too late to... Oh, never mind.

  - Yes, you were saying...    - [cannon booms]
  - [Clattering]    - You see, they have two cannons...

OK, OK! Just get out of here! I'm sorry, Julie, you were trying to say...

Kermit! Sweetums and Thog are playing badminton!

  - So?    - They're playing with my chicken!
  - Oh.    - [Chicken clucking]

[Cannons booming and chickens clucking]

  - Uh, Julie, you were asking?    - Oh, nothing. I just...

...was wondering what you guys did for entertainment around here.

Oh, nothing much.

[Monster] Fowl!

[# Won't Somebody Dance With Me]

  - Uh, excuse me.    - You're excused!

Excuse me, it's time to change partners.

No, it's time to change ballrooms, creep.

Excuse me, can I cut in?

That reminds me, Marvin, did you remember to feed the anteater?

[Gasps] There she is!

[Thudding]

  - [# country music]    - Here we go!
  1. Way down south way down in Borneo
  1. There's a wild man called the Borneo
  1. Way down on Borneo Bay
  - [blows]    - [Mouth harp twangs]
  1. Even though you've got a corneo
  1. You'll dance till the break of dawneo
  1. Way down on Borneo Bay
  - [kazoo toots]    - [Blows]
  1. Wild man stands with his clothes all torneo
  1. Toot toot toots on a bamboo horneo
  1. Then the bamboo baby start to sway

[all] # Start to sway

  1. When you see them dance the Borneo
  1. You'll just put yourjewels in pawneo
  1. Way down on Borneo Bay
  - # Way down on Borneo    - [mouth harp twanging]
  - # Bay    - [kazoo tooting]
  1. Way down on Borneo

[blows]

  1. Bay

[mouth harp twanging]

  1. Way down south way down in Borneo
  1. There's a wild man called the Borneo
  1. Way down on Borneo Bay
  - [blows]    - [Twangs]
  1. Even though you've got a corneo
  1. You'll dance till the break of dawneo
  1. Way down on Borneo Bay
  - [kazoo toots]    - [Blows]
  1. Wild man stands with his clothes all torneo
  1. Toot toot toots on his bamboo horneo
  1. Then the bamboo baby start to sway

[all] # Start to sway

  1. When you see them dance the Borneo
  1. You'll just put yourjewels in pawneo
  1. Way down on Borneo
  - [twangs]    - # Bay #

Kermit, you've really been busy since I saw you last.

We've been doing this show and all that stuff.

I love the shows. I watch them every week.

Oh, hey, that's nice.

Gee, but, uh, you know, one thing people don't know about you,

  - is that you write children's books.    - I really enjoy doing that, too.
  - And you also write songs.    - Well, I wrote one for you, remember?
  - You wrote one for me?    - Oh, how could you have forgotten?

Oh, I didn't forget. We did it on a special of yours a couple of years ago.

  - Right.    - Would you do that now?

Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

Actually, I knew she was gonna do it.

  - Ready?    - Mm-hmm.
  1. When you were a tadpole
  1. And L was a fish
  1. When the whole world had barely begun
  - As far back as that?    - Mm-hmm.
  1. L saw you swim by
  1. With a smile in your eye
  1. And L loved you
  1. From that moment on

That's a lovely thought.

  1. And through all the changes
  1. From fins into fingers
  1. L longed for the day
  1. You would be
  1. The sweet loving person
  1. You've finally become
  1. From that faraway day
  1. Ln the sea
  1. And my first wish

What's that?

  1. That you'd love me too
  1. 'Cause L've loved you
  1. Since you were a tadpole
  1. And L was a fish

Oh, that really is a lovely song.

Oh, I'm glad you like it, Kermit.

  - It's a little bit fishy.    - Oh.

I... I really love it, though. And I love when you sing it.

Thank you.

  1. L'm so glad that you
  1. Love me too
  1. 'Cause L've loved you
  1. Since you were
  1. A tadpole
  1. And L was
  - Guess what.    - A fish?
  1. A fish #

[sighs]

[Clears throat]

Greetings. As an American eagle,

I feel it is my duty

to say a few words about the glories of industry

and technology.

There are those among us...

...who would silence our factories,

shut down our mills and grind our highways to a halt.

Yea, verily, today the very fiber

of our industrialization is under attack

from a small subversive group

of namby-pamby conservationists.

These weirdoes would stop the march of progress

for the sake of a few insignificant animals.

I have here a list.

A list of the animals

these so-called conservationists

would have us protect.

Just listen to this.

The mountain lion. [scoffs]

The alligator. Huh!

The coyote, the timber wolf. Ha.

The American bald eagle.

[Quietly to himself] The American bald eagle.

Excuse me, this list is now inoperative.

[Gasps]

Where's the cow? We had a date!

  - Oh, she's gone.    - Oh.

Well, I guess I've still got time to call a chicken.

Say, where's the cow?

I found someone who's gonna do something with her.

  - Oh, yeah? Who?    - The Swedish Chef.

[Gasps]

[Chef humming]

Chef! What are you doing?

[Mock Swedish]

Barbecue.

You can't do that. Come on, out, out.

  - [Mock Swedish]    - No, no, no!

Out, out!

  - Now, Scooter?    - Hmm?
  - Uh, would you erase that cow?    - Oh, sure, boss.
  - Erase the cow?    - [Cow moos]

Welcome again to Muppet Labs where the future is being made today.

Well, we are just feverishly excited here at the labs today

because our latest invention is ready for testing.

Here it is, Muppet Labs' new hair-growing tonic.

And who better to test it on than my willing and eager lab assistant, Beaker.

  - Come on in, Beaker.    - [Groaning]

You would just love to test this new hair-growing tonic, wouldn't you Beaker?

  - Mm-mmm.    - Mm-hmm, I knew he would.
  - [Groans]    - OK, just sit down on this stool, here.

Come on. There you go.

We'll shake a little bit of this on here.

Put it down. And massage it in vigorously.

  - [Moans]    - Well, yes, now in a matter of seconds

you can grow a rich, luxurious head of hair.

Go from a baldy to a shaggy in the mere tick of a clock. There.

Now watch closely, here's the result

of using Muppets' hair-growing tonic.

[Stammers] Perhaps we should call it "hair-raising" tonic.

[Snickers]

Hey, Kermit? Kermit, I found some guys who'll get rid of the cow for you.

  - That's great. Who are they?    - The Zuccini Brothers.

The human cannonball act?

Yeah, but now they're gonna change it to a cow cannonball act.

  - [Chattering]    - OK, now we get it. There's the cow.

[Clamoring]

Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. I'm a frog. The cow's over there.

[Zuccini brothers] Oh!

First, we gotta put the cow into the cannon.

I don't believe this. I'm gonna go introduce Julie Andrews.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, once again,

Miss Julie Andrews.

[Whistling]

[# Whistle a Happy Tune]

  - [Roars]    - [Shouts]
  - Look!    - [Giggles]

OK, kids, this has been a lot of fun.

I think we should now pretend I get away.

Oh!

[Julie screams]

Oh, help!

Don't be afraid, Julie. We only wanted your autograph for a picture.

Well, I don't happen to have a pen on me at the moment.

There's one at the police station around the corner.

  - Come with me.    - [Monster] Great! Come on!

We've come to the end of another Muppet Show

and I must say that this one has been a particularly moo-ving experience.

But before we go, let's have a warm thank you to our special guest star,

ladies and gentlemen, Miss Julie Andrews!

[Applause and cheering]

Thank you. Thank you, Kermit.

I've really had a super time on the show.

  - Oh, good.    - Except for one thing.

What's that?

Well, I seem to have lost my cow around here somewhere.

Cow? That was your cow?

[Cannon blast]

Kermit, what was that?

[Stammers] Nothing.

[Shouting]

We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

Kermit, about my cow.

  - Uh...    - It was quite small.

Have you seen a cow here, has lovely brown eyes

and big lashes?

[Chattering]

  - You've seen her?    - [Goatherd yodeling]

[Chattering]

That's funny, she was here when I came in.

Wanna go to a movie or...

...grab a steak?

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