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Episode 217: Julie Andrews/transcript

< Episode 217: Julie Andrews

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Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in. Julie fixes her hair.
Scooter Julie Andrews? Uh, fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Andrews.
Julie Thank you. Thank you, I'll be ready. I'll be ready just so long as nobody else drops in.
217 cold open
A gaggle of hollering Muppet monsters fall from the ceiling and surround her.

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Julie Andrews! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins. Statler and Waldorf whistle along to the music.
217 horn
Gonzo's horn lights up as the stage lights dim.

Opening number

Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, we're very excited around here tonight. Our guest star is a wonderfully talented lady and a good friend of mine. And here she is now, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Julie Andrews!
217 goatherd
Julie sings "The Lonely Goatherd" and is joined by a Goat, Kermit (as a prince), and several other Muppet characters.
Rowlf (aside) You know, I saw the movie twice.
The song finishes. Applause.
Waldorf Hooray! Bravo! I loved the goat.
Statler (aside) He would... the old goat. (laughs)

Backstage

Kermit, still in costume, goes backstage with the rest of them, also passing a live cow.
Kermit OK, great opening number with the goats and the pigs. Way to go, cow. (balks) Cow?
He goes closer to investigate.
Kermit It's a real cow, all right. Scooter!
Scooter Yeah, chief?
Kermit Scooter, uh, refresh my memory. Uh, was there a cow in that opening number?
Scooter No.
Kermit Then what's a cow doing backstage?!
Scooter What cow?
Kermit That cow right there!
Scooter (gasps) Kermit, that's a cow!
Kermit I know what it is!! How'd it get in here?
Scooter I guess he must've sneaked in.
Kermit Cows don't sneak. Snakes sneak. Uh, find out who it belongs to.
Scooter OK.
217 scooter cow
Scooter Who do you belong to?
Kermit Scooter!
Scooter OK, chief. OK. (exits)
Kermit I think they're gonna love this show in Jersey.

Muppet newsflash

The Newsman runs up to the desk.
Newsman Here is a Muppet news flash. A plane carrying a load of sports equipment was forced to jettison some of its cargo. Among the items tossed out were ten thousand ping-pong balls …
217 news flash
Newsman (scowling) …and one bowling ball.
BOP! A bowling ball knocks him out.

Gonzo's act

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, in a major feat of death-defying musicrobatics never seen before... >ahem< uh, the Great Gonzo will perform on bagpipes the Eine Kleine Nachtmusik from a flagpole, ten feet in the air? Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!
Nachtmusik
An off-key fanfare plays. Gonzo does his thing, until a hungry beaver chews the pole and causes him to fall. Timber!
Waldorf (laughing) Hey, Gonzo should quit while he's ahead.
Statler Huh, Gonzo should quit while he's alive.
They chuckle.

Backstage

Gonzo and the beaver go backstage.
Kermit Are you OK, Gonzo?
Gonzo Oh, sure. I just fell eleven feet onto solid concrete.
Kermit Huh, well, that's too bad. It looks like you're gonna have to get a new bagpipe.
Gonzo Yeah, I'm having it made out of solid beaver skin.
Kermit Uh, sorry about that beaver. I don't know how it got in here. Usually we're much more careful about who we allow in this place.
Gonzo (notices the cow) Yeah, I can see that.
Kermit (aside) Yeah, the cow. It's been a bad night for security.
217 plaid
Gonzo Wow. You got a great pair of legs. In fact, she's got two great pair of legs. Hey, uh, you wouldn't think about going into show business, would you? Will you at least have dinner with me? Promise?
Kermit Gonzo!
Gonzo Oh. (exits)
Scooter Hey, chief?
Kermit Hmm?
Scooter Well, so far nobody knows nothing about the cow.
Kermit Well, keep trying. We cannot have a cow backstage.
Scooter Hmm. Well, look on the bright side.
Kermit Hmm?
Scooter At least you won't have to give us milk money anymore.
Kermit Scooter!
They both run off.

"Moonlight Sonata"

Rowlf plays "Moonlight Sonata" as the moon rises in the background.
Moonlitsonata

Talk spot

Kermit and Julie sit at a brick wall with a park backdrop.
Kermit You know, Julie, it's very nice to be able to talk quietly with you for a minute.
Julie Thank you, Kermit, I feel the same way. You know, there's something I was going to ask you.
Scooter Excuse me, Julie. Hey, Kermit?
Kermit Yeah?
Scooter Your nephew Robin just fell in a tuba.
Julie He just what?
Scooter He fell in a tuba. But, it's OK. Animal's getting him out.
A loud BLATT is heard. Robin sails across the stage.
Robin Whee!
Scooter Gesundheit. (exits)
Julie Hey, Robin, are you all right?
Robin Yeah, it's fun! (exits)
Julie Oh, my.
Kermit Now, you were saying, Julie?
Julie Oh, well, I was gonna ask —
Fozzie Uh, excuse me — I hate to interrupt, Julie. Uh, excuse me. Kermit?
Kermit Yeah?
Fozzie Kermit, uh, did you ask to see the Flying Zucchinis' human cannonball act?
Kermit Not right now, Fozzie.
Fozzie OK, I'll go tell them. (to Julie) Bye-bye.
Julie Bye.
A loud bang is heard. A Zucchini brother flies across the stage from left to right.
Fozzie (passing by) Uh, Kermit, I was too late, y'see — Oh, never mind.
Kermit Yes, you were saying...
BANG! Another cannon is heard. Another Zucchini brother flies across the stage from right to left.
Fozzie (passing by) Uh, you see, they have two cannons...
Kermit OK, OK! Just get out of here!
Fozzie Oh! Yes, yes, sir, yes!
Kermit Now, I'm sorry, Julie, you were trying to say...
Gonzo Kermit! Sweetums and Thog are playing badminton!
Kermit So?
Gonzo Well, they're playing with my chicken!
Camilla is swatted back and forth. Another Zucchini brother flies across the stage. Robin takes another tuba ride. Rinse and repeat.
Kermit Uh, Julie, you were asking?
Julie Oh, nothing. I just... was wondering what you guys did for entertainment around here.
Kermit Oh, nothing much.
Scooter, Fozzie and Gonzo all watch the badminton match along with them.
Fozzie Fowl!
217 talk spot

At the Dance

The typical "At the Dance" music plays, until Gonzo takes the center and starts to sing.
Lonely
Gonzo

And now the band is playing very slow. >sniff<
And once again, I'll get my coat and go.
A lonely wallflower waiting by the wall,
Without the willpower to face the music at all.
Please, won't somebody dance with me?
Start up a romance with me?
Just someone to care,
Someone somewhere, who will dance with me?

He approaches a couple.
Gonzo Uh, excuse me.
Woman You're excused!
He approaches a pig couple.
Gonzo Excuse me, it's, it's time to change partners.
Miss Piggy No, it's time to change ballrooms, creep.
He approaches another couple.
Gonzo Excuse me, can I cut in?
Woman 2 That reminds me, Marvin, did you remember to feed the anteater?
217 at the dance
Gonzo

Please, won't somebody dance with me?
Start up a romance with me?
(gasps) There she is!

He and Camilla twirl around and around as the others watch.

UK spot

Song.borneo
Lubbock Lou and his Jughuggers sing "Borneo."

Dressing room

Julie Kermit, you've really been busy since I saw you last.
Kermit Oh, yeah. We've been doing this show and all that stuff.
Julie Oh, and I love the shows. I watch them every week.
Kermit Oh, hey, that's nice. Gee, but, uh, you know, one thing a lot of people don't know about you, is that you write children's books.
Julie I really enjoy doing that, too.
Kermit Mm-hm. And you also write songs.
Julie Well, I wrote one for you, remember?
Kermit You wrote one for me?
Julie Oh, Kermit, how could you have forgotten?
Kermit Oh, I didn't forget. We did it on a special of yours a couple of years ago.
Julie That's right.
Kermit Hey, would you do that now?
Julie Oh, I thought you'd never ask.
Music swells up and the lights dim to a nautical blue.
Kermit (aside) Actually, I knew she was gonna do it.
They giggle.
Julie Ready?
Kermit Mm-hmm.
Tadfish Julieandrews
Julie

When you were a tadpole,
And I was a fish,
When the whole world had barely begun…

Kermit As far back as that?
Julie Mm-hmm.

I saw you swim by,
With a smile in your eye,
And I loved you from that moment on.

Kermit That's a lovely thought.
Julie

And through all the changes
From fins into fingers,
I longed for the day you would be…
The sweet loving person
You've finally become
From that faraway day in the sea.
And my first wish …

Kermit What's that?
Julie

That you'd love me too,
'Cause I've loved you since you were
A tadpole, and I was a fish.

Kermit Oh, that really is a lovely song.
Julie Oh, I'm glad you like it, Kermit.
Kermit It's a little bit fishy.
Julie Oh. (chuckles)
Kermit I... I really love it, though. And I love when you sing it.
Julie Thank you.

I'm so glad that you love me too,
'Cause I've loved you since you were
A tadpole … and I was… Guess what.

Kermit A fish?
Julie A fish.
Kermit snuggles up to her. Applause.

Editorial

Sam walks up to the podium as his fanfare plays.
Sam the Eagle >ahem< Greetings. As an American eagle, I feel it is my duty to say a few words about the glories of industry and technology. There are those among us... (looks around) … who would silence our factories, shut down our mills and grind our highways to a halt. Yea, verily, today the very fiber of our industrialization is under attack from a small, subversive group of namby-pamby conservationists. These weirdos would stop the march of progress for the sake of a few insignificant animals.
Samslist
Sam the Eagle I have here a list! A list of the animals these so-called "conservationists" would have us protect! Just listen to this. The mountain lion. Hah! The alligator. Huh! The coyote, the timber wolf. Ha. The American bald eagle. (looks again) The American bald eagle? (tosses the paper) Excuse me, this list is now inoperative.
He exits.

Backstage

Gonzo, holding flowers and candy, looks for the cow.
Gonzo Where's the cow? We had a date!
Scooter Oh, she's gone.
217 gonzo scooter
Gonzo Oh. Well, I guess I've still got time to call a chicken. (exits)
Kermit Say, where's the cow?
Scooter Oh, well, I finally found someone who's gonna do something with her.
Kermit Oh, yeah? Who?
Scooter The Swedish Chef.
Kermit Eep!
They both rush over. Meanwhile, the Chef is painting cross-sections on the cow.
Kermit What are you doing?
217 chef cow
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … de bårbecüe.
Kermit You can't do that. Come on, out, out.
He shoos the Chef away.
Kermit Now, Scooter?
Scooter Hmm?
Kermit Uh, would you erase that cow? (exits)
Scooter Oh, sure, boss. (aside) Erase the cow?

Muppet Labs

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, we are just feverishly excited here at the labs today because our latest invention is ready for testing. Here it is, Muppet Labs' new hair-growing tonic. And who better to test it on than my willing and eager lab assistant, Beaker. Come on in here, Beaker.
Beaker appears skittish.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Now you would like to — you would just love to test this new hair-growing tonic, wouldn't you, Beaker?
Beaker (shakes head) Mm-mm.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Mm-hmm, I knew he would. OK, just sit down on this stool, here. Come on. There you go.
He shakes some tonic on Beaker's hair.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew We'll shake a little bit of this on here. Put it down. And massage it in vigorously. Well, yes, now in a matter of seconds you can grow a rich, luxurious head of hair. Go from a baldy to a shaggy in the mere tick of a clock. There. Now watch closely, here's the result of using Muppets' hair-growing tonic.
217 muppet labs
Beaker's scalp rockets off his head.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Perhaps we should call it "hair-raising" tonic. (snickers)

Backstage

Kermit looks at the cow.
Scooter Hey, Kermit? Kermit, I found some guys who'll get rid of the cow for you.
Kermit Oh, that's great. Who are they?
Scooter The Zucchini Brothers.
Kermit The human cannonball act?
Scooter Yeah, but now they're gonna change it to a cow cannonball act.
The Zucchini brothers wheel in a cannon.
Zucchini Brother 1 Booma-booma. OK, now we get it. There'sa the cow. (they grab Kermit)
Kermit Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. I'm a frog. The cow's over there.
217 zucchini
Zucchini Brother 2 Oh! That'sa the cow!
Zucchini Brother 3 Of course-a! We gotta put'a the cow into the cannon.
Zucchini Brothers Yeah, booma-booma. Booma-booma.
Kermit I don't believe this. I'm gonna go introduce Julie Andrews.
Zucchini Brothers Okay, you do the booma-booma?

"I Whistle a Happy Tune"

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen, once again, Miss Julie Andrews.
Open on a dark and spooky park. Monsters dance and hide as Julie enters through the gate, whistling. As she sings "I Whistle a Happy Tune," she tries to fend off the monsters.
217 whistle
Julie OK, kids, this has been a lot of fun. I think we should now pretend I get away.
She runs away, but the monsters catch up with her and toss her about.
Julie Oh, help!
Sweetums Don't be afraid, Julie. We only wanted your autograph for a picture.
The other monsters nod in agreement.
Julie Well, I don't happen to have a pen on me at the moment. But, er, there's one at the police station around the corner. Come with me.
They all stand up and give the song a proper finish. Applause.

Goodnights

Kermit Well, we've come now to the end of another Muppet Show and I must say that this one has been a particularly moo-ving experience. But before we go, let's have a warm thank you to our special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Julie Andrews!
Julie Thank you. Thank you, Kermit. I've really had a super time on the show.
Kermit Oh, good.
Julie Except for one thing.
Kermit Uh, what's that?
217 closing
Julie Well, I seem to have lost my cow around here somewhere.
Kermit Cow? That was your cow?
BOOM! A cannon is heard.
Julie Kermit, what was that?
Kermit (stammering) Uh, nothing …
Zucchini Brothers Yay! Booma-booma!
Kermit We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
The credits roll as Julie asks around.
Julie Kermit, about my cow. It was quite small. Have you seen a cow here, has lovely brown eyes and big lashes? You've seen her?
Muppets (random)
Julie That's funny, she was here when I came in.
217 post credits
Gonzo Wanna go to a movie or... grab a steak?
ATV
THE END

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