[Knocking]

Cleo Laine, 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Laine.

I'm ready. Oh, I hope the Muppets like me.

Like? Love! Love Cleo Laine! Love!

Hey, hate me a little, will you?

Love, love!

[Drumroll]

It's The Muppet Show with our special guest star, Miss Cleo Laine!

[Audience applauds]

Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light

Lt's time to meet The Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

Lt's time to put on makeup it's time to dress up right

Lt's time to get things started

Lt's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational,

Celebrational, Muppetational,

This is what we call

The Muppet Show!

[high-pitched squeak] [Propeller whirring]

Come back here.

Thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show. With us tonight is one of the truly great stars...

Thank you. You are too kind.

I am not kind, and you are not the star.

Could I talk to you for a second?

What?

See, my mother is in the audience. Hi, Ma! Watch me tonight!

Fozzie! Um, in addition to our very, um... funny bear... tonight's guest star is one of the truly great singers, Miss Cleo Laine.

Cleo Laine!

But first... Let's limbo!

Let's limbo!

[Calypso music playing]

Limbo, everybody limbo

Limbo all the day

[cheering]

Limbo, everybody limbo

Limbo all the day

[cheering]

Limbo, everybody limbo

Limbo all the day

[cheering]

Limbo, everybody limbo

Limbo all the day

[cheering]

[Applause and laughter]

Terrific! I wonder how the frog did it.

[Chuckling] Never mind.

[Steel drum playing]

Wee! Can that frog limbo!

Kermit, Kermit! Kermit? Where is that frog? Kermit?

I'm down here.

Oh, Kermit. Kermit, do you realize that my mother is in the audience tonight and I wasn't even in the opening number?

I don't care.

You don't care? Well, why not?

Because I'm all scrunched up.

You are scrunched up. Ha! Hey, hey, but Kermit, you see, my mother...

Fozzie, would you unscrunch me!

Yes, sir, yes, sir. OK?

Thank you. See, my mother came here tonight, Kermit...

Check. And so did Cleo Laine. I gotta go introduce her.

But Kermit, when is the bear on?

That's what I want to know. When is the bear on?

Now, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce a lady with a truly remarkable voice...

Kermit, Kermit! Quick, look up there!

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Cleo Laine!

Fozzie!

[ Lt Don't Mean A Thing Lf You Ain't Got That Swing]

It gives me great pleasure to be appearing here with Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem Orchestra.

Thank you, Cleo. You know, I melt down those gold records and put 'em in my teeth. It's called putting your money where your mouth is!

Check. And here we have the man on bass guitar, the hippest of the hip, Floyd Pepper!

Yeah, movin' and groovin', Cleo.

Right on. And then we have the weirdest man of the weird, the man on saxophone, Zoot!

Hey, it is written, a zebra and a geranium should never use the same toothbrush.

Cogently put, Zoot. And here on guitar, the lovely lady herself, Janice.

Oh, wow, like, I'm really honored to be here, really. For sure.

And way up there on the drums, the ma... You know, I'd rather not introduce him.

Oh, he won't hurt you, Cleo. We nail his shoes to the bandstand.

OK... Animal!

[Scat singing]

[Applause]

OK, Kermit, now it must be time for me to go on, right?

Uh, no, no, now it's time for Pigs in Space.

What? Kermit, please let me at least be in Pigs in Space.

Uh, you... you can't.

But why can't I be in Pigs in Space?

Because you're not a pig!

Well, nobody's perfect! Oh, if only I had an idea to get me into Pigs in Space.

Will somebody please bring me my Pigs in Space costume?

Oh, thank you!

And now, Pigs In Space! Featuring the neanderthalic Captain Link Hogthrob... the over developed First-Mate, Miss Piggy... and the tridecaphobic Dr. Julius Strangepork. As we left our heroes last week, Captain Hogthrob had just ordered the Swinetrek's biannual inspection.

Dr. Strangepork, call the entire crew on deck for inspection.

All hogs on deck! All hogs on deck! Sooie! Pig, pig, pig!

Ten-hut!

Men, this ship is a disgrace.

Worse than that, it's like a pigsty.

We thought it was kind of homey, Link.

Doctor, you're out of line.

Now I want this entire ship swabbed down from stem to...

from stem to...uh, to the back part.

That's stern, captain.

You bet that's stern. I'm sick of sloppiness.

First-Mate Piggy!

Yes, sir!

Did you shave this morning?

No, mon capitain, I did not!

Well, see that it never happens again.

Uh, Ma, we're only acting. Don't worry.

What? Nothing, just, you know...

OK, well that goes for the rest of you men, too. Dismiss! Except for you, First-Mate Piggy.

Except for me! Yes, sir, mon capitain! I, First-Mate Piggy, would love to be of service to mon capitain, sir!

Uh... you would?

Yes, sir!

Well, uh... let's step over to the console here. Walk this way.

I'll try.

First-Mate Piggy?

Yes, sir!

Stand next to me.

Yes, sir!

Look deep into my eyes.

Yes, sir!

Give us a little kiss, pork chop.

Yes. Sorry. No, sir!

Oh, sweetheart. First-Mate Piggy...

Ma, it's not that kind of a show!

Oh, come on. Please, oh, honey...

[announcer] Tune in again next week for another confusing episode of Pigs In Space!

OK, where is Fozzie? How dare he steal my costume! I'll chop him into bear burger!

Wait! You don't understand! Wait! See? Look, look!

You're an imposter! Imposter! I'll get you for imposting a pig! Come back here!

Uh-oh.

There you are! How dare you steal my costume!

Froggy! The frog, the frog. The frog, yeah, the frog...

Hey, come on, you guys. What are you doing?

Hiya, hiya, hiya! Hi, ma. It looks like it's just you and me for the rest of the evening, folks. Thought I'd come out and tell a few jokes, sing a few songs...

Fozzie, will you get off the stage!

That too, yes. Let's see now, where was I?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's very seldom we have a guest puppeteer on the show. In fact, between you and me, it's rare that we have any puppeteers on the show. So it gives me great pleasure to introduce a very talented young man, Mr. Bruce Schwartz!

Oh, that puppet looked so alive!

Well, that's more than I can say for you!

[ Mad Dogs and Englishmen]

Oh, very good. Wow!

OK, Kermit, now you're going to introduce me, right?

Uh, no.

But my mother is in the audience. When do I go on?

When do you go on? You've already been in all the introductions, Pigs in Space, and everything else. What do you want, star billing?

That would be nice.

Will you get out of here!

Yes, sir! Yes, sir!

[Humming]

[Crash] [Mock Swedish]

Excuse me! You look like a very understanding person, and maybe you can solve my problem for me. You see...

[ You're Just Ln Love]

[Chef sings in mock Swedish]

Let's get this together, shall we?

Well, I just learned something about the Swedish Chef I didn't know before.

What's that?

Cooking is the second worst thing he does.

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

Kermit, please, now me, please?

Yes, now!

Thank you.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, due to an overwhelming demand... from him, if not from the rest of us... here he is, our own furry funny man, Fozzie Bear!

Hey, hey! Thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you! Yes! Tonight, because there is a certain someone special in the audience, I will do a special act. Phrenology!

Phren-what?

And... And for this demonstration, I will need a volunteer.

Fozzie, what are you going to do?

Trust me, it's for my mother.

OK, gang... phrenology.

The art of reading a person's fortune by feeling the bumps on his head. Aaah! OK. Now, here we go.\ Well, I can tell you're a very flexible person.

Fozzie.

Yes, OK, OK, here we go.

I can see in your future... Tomorrow, yes, tomorrow... you will have a stiff neck.

You're gonna get another job tomorrow, too, I'll tell you that.

Please, please. Do it for Mom.

Yeah, sure.

OK, here we go! Bumps! Yeah, sure. Mother. You got some nice bumps, frog. Bumps, bumps. Wonderful. Except your, uh... Your bumps for intelligence are very small.

What?

Yeah, it's OK. I can fix that.

You're gonna what?

Fozzie! Get out of here!

Hi. Uncle Kermit's kinda busy right now, so I don't think he'd mind if I tell you that here now, accompanied by the puppet artistry of Bruce Schwartz, is the lovely Miss Cleo Laine!

[ If]

Well, I think we've come down to the end of it. But before we go, let's have a warm thank you for our special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Cleo Laine!

Oh, thanks, Kermit. It's been a lot of fun, really.

Hey Fozzie, did your mom enjoy the show?

Oh, I don't know. I haven't even had time to ask her.

Listen, Fozzie, why don't you ask her?

OK. Hey, Mom! How'd you like the show? Oh, Mom, how could you? Oh!

We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

Well, shall we call it a night?

Might as well. Certainly wouldn't call it a show.

Cold open

Theme

Opening number

Backstage

"It Don't Mean a Thing"

Backstage

Pigs in Space

Backstage

Bruce Schwartz

UK spot

Backstage

The Swedish Chef

Fozzie's comedy act

"If"

Goodnights

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