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Episode 215: Lou Rawls/transcript

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00:00:08 [Knock on door]

00:00:09 Lou Rawls. Oh, Lou Rawls? 24 seconds to curtain, Mr. Rawls.

00:00:13 - Thank you, Scooter. - Mr. Rawls, I wanted to tell you

00:00:17 that I greatly respect your talent

00:00:20 and I've followed your career from its very beginning.

00:00:23 Thank you, Sam.

00:00:25 It's just too bad it has to end here.

00:00:29 [Drumroll]

00:00:30 It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Mr. Lou Rawls!

00:00:36 [Applause]

00:00:49 # Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light

00:00:53 # Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

00:00:57 # Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right

00:01:01 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:04 - We're old men. - Give us a break!

00:01:06 # Lt's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational

00:01:10 # Celebrational, Muppetational

00:01:12 # This is what we call

00:01:15 # The Muppet Show! #

00:01:20 [high-pitched trumpet]

00:01:23 Green smoke.

00:01:27 - [Applause] - Thank you, thank you,

00:01:29 and welcome again to The Muppet Show.

00:01:31 Tonight's show is going to be very special

00:01:33 because our guest star is the great Mr. Lou Rawls!

00:01:37 [Applause]

00:01:39 But first, to get things started, here's our own Fozzie Bear,

00:01:43 who will perform for you tonight on roller skates!

00:01:46 [Fozzie] Kermit, I think the act needs just a bit more...

00:01:50 - [skates rolling] ...rehearsal!

00:01:52 [Crashing]

00:01:54 Well, so much for the opening number.

00:01:57 Now we suddenly arrive at guest star time...

00:01:59 - [skates rolling] - [Yelling]

00:02:03 Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Lou Rawls!

00:02:06 [Applause]

00:02:09 [# Groovy People]

00:04:43 That Lou Rawls is one fantastic singer.

00:04:47 Yeah, so am I. You wanna hear me sing?

00:04:50 Only if you sing solo.

00:04:52 - Solo? - So low I can't hear. [laughing]

00:04:57 OK, nice and groovy, guys. Very groovy.

00:05:00 Hey, chief, I thought Fozzie was going to do the opening spot on the show.

00:05:04 Well that was plan, but he wasn't quite ready so we switched numbers.

00:05:08 So what happens now, a news flash or Fozzie's roller skating act?

00:05:11 Wow! [yelling]

00:05:14 [Crashing and breaking]

00:05:17 I'll tell the news man he's on.

00:05:21 [Man] Here is a Muppet News Flash.

00:05:25 Dateline, New York. Medical science has been baffled

00:05:28 by a sudden epidemic of the rare disease Mallarditis.

00:05:32 The illness strikes very quickly and causes its victim to turn into a duck.

00:05:37 Mallarditis? That's the silliest thing I ever...

00:05:41 Quack, quack, quack.

00:05:45 Quack, quack...

00:05:48 [announcer] And now, Veterinarian's Hospital,

00:05:52 the continuing story of a quack who has gone to the dogs.

00:05:57 On to the next patient.

00:05:59 What's this? He was here a minute ago.

00:06:01 Oh, wow. This is happening a lot lately.

00:06:04 - What is? - Dr. Bob is losing his patients.

00:06:07 That's untrue. I never lose my patience!

00:06:10 What about the patient you accidentally fed nitroglycerin to?

00:06:15 Him, I lost.

00:06:17 - But I found him again. - Where?

00:06:19 In lowa, Minnesota, North and South Dakota.

00:06:23 That was him all over.

00:06:26 [Announcer] So, once again Dr. Bob has come to nothing.

00:06:30 Tune in next time when you will hear him say...

00:06:32 - Hey! Who are you? - [announcer] Who?

00:06:34 - You! - You know, the voice we keep hearing.

00:06:37 [Announcer] L'm the announcer. L'm the guy who says,

00:06:40 "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital,

00:06:43 The continuing story of a quack who has gone to the dogs. "

00:06:47 On to the next patient. What's this? He was here a minute ago.

00:06:51 - This is happening a lot lately. - What is?

00:06:53 Dr. Bob is losing his patients.

00:06:56 Untrue, I never lose my patience!

00:06:58 What about the one you fed nitroglycerin to?

00:07:01 Him, I lost.

00:07:03 - But I found him again. - Where?

00:07:05 In Maryland, Virginia, North and South Carolina.

00:07:08 [All] That's him all over!

00:07:11 [Announcer] And so, Dr. Bob has done all the same jokes twice.

00:07:15 Tune in next time when you will hear Nurse Janice say...

00:07:19 Shall we go for thirds?

00:07:21 No, that would try my patience.

00:07:24 You don't have any patients.

00:07:26 I would if it weren't for that dumb nitroglycerin.

00:07:33 Hey Floyd, Animal. What's happening?

00:07:36 Hey, Lou Rawls. Whoa, Animal!

00:07:38 Hey, good to see you. You know, I'm just out walking the drummer.

00:07:42 Walking the drummer? Well, is he friend or foe, man?

00:07:46 [Growling] Lou Rawls, Lou Rawls!

00:07:50 - Heel, Animal! Heel! - Heel, heel, heel.

00:07:54 Yeah, well, he's a big fan, Lou.

00:07:56 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. He bought all your albums.

00:07:58 - Oh, you like them, Animal? - Uh-huh.

00:08:00 Delicious!

00:08:05 Let me tell you something, Animal. You know,

00:08:07 you play the drums so good, man.

00:08:10 You take the sticks and lay down some great percussion.

00:08:12 - You know what I'm talking about? - Percussion! [growling]

00:08:17 Lou, you sort of have to consider Animal as your basic primitive man.

00:08:22 - You have to know how to talk to him. - Oh, yeah?

00:08:24 How do you tell a man that his work with the sticks really is down?

00:08:27 I mean he can put some soul in the bowl. You know what I mean?

00:08:30 Yeah, OK. That's easy.

00:08:32 - Animal... - Yeah?

00:08:34 - Good drummer! - Good drummer, good drummer...

00:08:38 - [growling] - Yeah, that's a good drummer.

00:08:41 Yeah. Well, listen, let me tell you this.

00:08:43 Look, I've got this long road gig coming up,

00:08:46 and I'm short a drummer. You think he'd be interested?

00:08:49 Oh, no. You couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.

00:08:53 - Why not, man? The cat's good. - You couldn't get a long enough chain.

00:08:57 Chain! Chain! Chain!

00:08:59 - [Growling] - [Munching]

00:09:03 Come on, Floyd, just let me discuss it with him man to man, you know?

00:09:07 Man to man? This dude don't know Animal. [laughing]

00:09:12 OK, Lou. There's his chain, but,

00:09:15 - could I just ask one favor? - Yeah, baby.

00:09:17 - Don't let him chase any cars, OK? - [Cars passing]

00:09:21 Cars!

00:09:23 Uh-oh. I think I blew that gig.

00:09:26 [Animal] Cars!

00:09:30 - [Speaking mock Swedish] - I see. I'll tell him.

00:09:35 Hey, Kermit? The Swedish Chef says he's not ready to go on.

00:09:38 You said he'd be on the second half of the show.

00:09:40 - [Fozzie] Wow! - [Skates rolling]

00:09:44 Well, listen, Chef, we've had to move things around a little.

00:09:48 Kermit!

00:09:51 In fact, some things are moving around quite a lot.

00:09:54 [Fozzie] I think I've almost got it licked, Kermit!

00:10:01 [Crashing]

00:10:05 Emphasis on the "almost".

00:10:07 - OK, let's go, Chef. - Come on, OK, OK.

00:10:18 [Humming]

00:10:23 [Clattering]

00:10:25 [Speaking in mock Swedish]

00:10:31 ...frog's legs.

00:10:36 Uncle Kermit, somebody,

00:10:39 anybody... help!

00:10:41 Hold it! Stop! Cut, cut, cut!

00:10:43 Don't say "cut", say "stop"!

00:10:48 [Ballroom music playing]

00:10:56 So you say your boyfriend's name is "Sy"? Sy who?

00:11:00 Clops!

00:11:04 So what did you think of the movie Jaws?

00:11:12 Excuse me. Are you the monster who swallowed my harmonica?

00:11:16 [Harmonica plays]

00:11:20 So, how are the kids, Flo?

00:11:22 Oh, not too good.

00:11:25 One of the chicks just came down with the "people pox".

00:11:31 My horoscope said I should be careful today

00:11:33 or some great physical harm could befall me.

00:11:36 Oh, that's a lot of silly superstition.

00:11:38 [Loud crash]

00:11:40 [Murmuring]

00:11:45 [# Ukulele Lady]

00:13:57 [# Sonny Boy]

00:14:58 Oh, my son.

00:14:59 When you grow up, you know, you might be a halfback,

00:15:02 or you might even be a fullback.

00:15:05 Or, if you really persevere,

00:15:08 you might grow up and be a football.

00:15:57 Well you know, Lou, it's great having you on the show.

00:16:00 Hey, thank you, Kermit. It's really a gas to be here.

00:16:03 Well, you know. I got all of your records back at my pad.

00:16:07 Pad, frog... lily pad. That's a little joke there.

00:16:11 Only possibly, Kermit. Only possibly.

00:16:15 Hey, listen, Lou, could you tell us,

00:16:18 what is the secret of singing jazz like you do?

00:16:20 Well, Kermit, all you have to do really is just kinda lay back, you know,

00:16:24 and lay down some golden tones, with soul and style.

00:16:29 Sure, you just gotta lay back and lay down some golden tones

00:16:34 with soul and style.

00:16:37 No, it doesn't even sound the same when I say it.

00:16:40 Hey, but listen, would you do a little bit of that for us right now?

00:16:43 - No. No, I won't. - No?

00:16:46 You see, Kermit, you really can't sing jazz without soft light,

00:16:50 you know, a little atmosphere. And you gotta have a band.

00:16:53 - Oh, well listen, you got it. - [Band starts playing jazz]

00:16:56 Hey, Kermit. This is an inspiration and an open invitation, you know,

00:17:00 - for some soulful syncopation, you dig? - Does that mean something good?

00:17:04 - Yes. It means let's sing. - Wonderful, I'll just be over here.

00:17:09 [# Bye Bye Blackbird]

00:17:14 Hold it, Floyd. Wait a minute...

00:18:38 - I just love scat. - What?

00:18:42 - Scat! Scat! - What? Is there a pussycat in here?

00:18:47 OK, great number. I loved it, I loved it.

00:18:50 Let's see. Now where's Fozzie?

00:18:52 If he's gonna do that roller skating act, it'll have to be soon.

00:18:55 [Fozzie] Waaaah. [chuckles]

00:18:59 Whoa!

00:19:02 Ah, very good, Fozzie. You ready to go on?

00:19:04 I'm ready, Kermit. I'm just sorry I took so long.

00:19:08 But I want you to know, it's tough. Roller skating is very, very difficult.

00:19:13 [Humming]

00:19:24 Easy for you to say! Whoa, whoa!

00:19:31 Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today.

00:19:35 Well, our latest development is the nuclear-powered shaver.

00:19:40 The honor of shaving for the very first time with the nuclear-powered shaver

00:19:44 goes to my faithful lab assistant, Beaker. Come on in here, Beaker.

00:19:48 - [Muttering] - It's all right, come on.

00:19:53 Now, in order to protect Beaker's fluffy orange hair from nuclear fallout,

00:19:58 - [gasps] - He will wear this protective helmet,

00:20:01 which is... [grunts] Made of solid lead.

00:20:05 Bend over, Beaker, here.

00:20:06 Come on. Hurry up, bend over.

00:20:10 There. [sighs]

00:20:12 All right. Up you go, Beaker.

00:20:14 Now Beaker is ready for the demonstration.

00:20:24 Notice how effective the lead helmet is!

00:20:26 Now Beaker doesn't need a shave.

00:20:29 [Chuckles]

00:20:32 As you may have noticed, Fozzie has taken up roller skating.

00:20:36 So here he is with funny jokes and figure eights, Mr. Fozzie Bear!

00:20:41 Hiya, hiya, hiya!

00:20:44 How about that? Haven't told one joke and I'm rolling already.

00:20:48 [Chuckles] Whoa, whoa!

00:20:51 Not bad on a ten-cent pair of skates, huh?

00:20:55 Speaking of cheapskates... [laughs]

00:20:57 Nice blend, Fozzie. Thank you, Fozzie! [chuckles]

00:21:01 Hey, hey, hey... the next joke I'm gonna tell,

00:21:04 I'm gonna do it while skating a figure eight. Here it goes...

00:21:08 [organ music playing]

00:21:11 Speaking of cheapskates, I know a guy so cheap, when he goes fishing,

00:21:15 he puts a picture of a worm on his hook and he catches a picture of a fish.

00:21:22 Hey, this is a great way for Fozzie to do his material.

00:21:25 - A moving target is harder to hit! - [Both laugh]

00:21:29 Oh, yeah? Well, watch this. I'm gonna tell this next joke

00:21:32 while skating backwards, and with my foot in the air, wiggling my ears.

00:21:37 Here it goes...

00:21:39 [grunting]

00:21:41 OK, a guy walks in to a diner. There's a horse behind the counter.

00:21:47 The guy just looks at the horse. The horse says,

00:21:50 "What's the matter, surprised to see me here?"

00:21:52 And the guy says, "Yeah, did the cow sell the place?"

00:21:55 - [Screaming] - [Crash]

00:21:59 He was doing OK until he fell off the stage.

00:22:02 Wrong. He was doing OK until he came on the stage.

00:22:04 [Both laugh]

00:22:08 "Did the cow sell the place?"

00:22:12 And now, once again,

00:22:14 this time backed by the big band of Dr. Teeth,

00:22:16 here he is, Mr. Lou Rawls!

00:22:20 [# You're The One]

00:23:35 [Sighs]

00:24:13 [Applause]

00:24:22 OK, well, that's about all the time we have, but before we go...

00:24:26 I'm going now...

00:24:28 As I was saying, before we go, let's have a warm thank you

00:24:31 to our special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Lou Rawls!

00:24:34 - Thank you, Kermit. - Wait a minute...

00:24:38 - Let's not stop! - Now that we've got things going.

00:24:43 Well, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

00:25:25 - I loved tonight's show! - Really?

00:25:28 Of course not. Just wanted to see if I could say it.

00:25:30 [Both laugh]

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