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Episode 215: Lou Rawls/transcript

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Cold open

Theme

Opening number

Backstage

Muppet newsflash

Outside

Backstage

The Swedish Chef

At the Dance

"Ukulele Lady"

UK spot

Talk spot

Backstage

Muppet Labs

Fozzie's comedy act

"You're the One"

Goodnights

Lou Rawls. Oh, Lou Rawls? 24 seconds to curtain, Mr. Rawls.

Thank you, Scooter.

Mr. Rawls, I wanted to tell you that I greatly respect your talent and I've followed your career from its very beginning.

Thank you, Sam.

It's just too bad it has to end here.

[Drumroll]

It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Mr. Lou Rawls!

[Applause]

  1. Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light
  1. Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight
  1. Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right
  1. Lt's time to get things started

We're old men.

Give us a break!

  1. Lt's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational
  1. Celebrational, Muppetational
  1. This is what we call
  1. The Muppet Show! #

Green smoke.

Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Tonight's show is going to be very special because our guest star is the great Mr. Lou Rawls! But first, to get things started, here's our own Fozzie Bear, who will perform for you tonight on roller skates!

Kermit, I think the act needs just a bit more... rehearsal!

Well, so much for the opening number. Now we suddenly arrive at guest star time... Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Lou Rawls!

[# Groovy People]

That Lou Rawls is one fantastic singer.

Yeah, so am I. You wanna hear me sing?

Only if you sing solo.

Solo?

So low I can't hear.

OK, nice and groovy, guys. Very groovy.

Hey, chief, I thought Fozzie was going to do the opening spot on the show.

Well that was the plan, but he wasn't quite ready so we switched numbers.

So what happens now, a news flash or Fozzie's roller skating act?

Wow!

I'll tell the news man he's on.

Here is a Muppet News Flash. Dateline, New York. Medical science has been baffled by a sudden epidemic of the rare disease Mallarditis. The illness strikes very quickly and causes its victim to turn into a duck. Mallarditis? That's the silliest thing I ever... Quack, quack, quack. Quack, quack...

And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who has gone to the dogs.

On to the next patient.

What's this? He was here a minute ago.

Oh, wow. This is happening a lot lately.

What is?

Dr. Bob is losing his patients.

That's untrue. I never lose my patience!

What about the patient you accidentally fed nitroglycerin to?

Him, I lost. But I found him again.

Where?

In Iowa, Minnesota, North and South Dakota. That was him all over.

So, once again Dr. Bob has come to nothing. Tune in next time when you will hear him say...

Hey! Who are you?

Who?

You! You know, the voice we keep hearing.

I'm the announcer. I'm the guy who says, "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who has gone to the dogs. "

On to the next patient. What's this?

He was here a minute ago.

This is happening a lot lately.

What is?

Dr. Bob is losing his patients.

Untrue, I never lose my patience!

What about the one you fed nitroglycerin to?

Him, I lost. But I found him again.

Where?

In Maryland, Virginia, North and South Carolina.

[All] That's him all over!

And so, Dr. Bob has done all the same jokes twice. Tune in next time when you will hear Nurse Janice say...

Shall we go for thirds?

No, that would try my patience.

You don't have any patients.

I would if it weren't for that dumb nitroglycerin.

Hey Floyd, Animal. What's happening?

Hey, Lou Rawls. Whoa, Animal! Hey, good to see you. You know, I'm just out walking the drummer.

Walking the drummer? Well, is he friend or foe, man?

Lou Rawls, Lou Rawls!

Heel, Animal! Heel! Heel, heel, heel. Yeah, well, he's a big fan, Lou.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. He bought all your albums.

Oh, you like them, Animal?

Uh-huh. Delicious!

Let me tell you something, Animal. You know, you play the drums so good, man. You take the sticks and lay down some great percussion.

You know what I'm talking about?

Percussion!

Lou, you sort of have to consider Animal as your basic primitive man. You have to know how to talk to him.

Oh, yeah?

How do you tell a man that his work with the sticks really is down? I mean he can put some soul in the bowl. You know what I mean?

Yeah, OK. That's easy.

Animal...

Yeah?

Good drummer! Good drummer, good drummer...

Yeah, that's a good drummer.

Yeah. Well, listen, let me tell you this. Look, I've got this long road gig coming up, and I'm short a drummer. You think he'd be interested?

Oh, no. You couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.

Why not, man? The cat's good.

You couldn't get a long enough chain.

Chain! Chain! Chain!

Come on, Floyd, just let me discuss it with him man to man, you know?

Man to man? This dude don't know Animal.

OK, Lou. There's his chain, but, could I just ask one favor?

Yeah, baby.

Don't let him chase any cars, OK?

Cars!

Uh-oh. I think I blew that gig.

Cars!

[Speaking mock Swedish]

I see. I'll tell him.

Hey, Kermit? The Swedish Chef says he's not ready to go on. You said he'd be on the second half of the show.

Wow!

Well, listen, Chef, we've had to move things around a little.

Kermit!

In fact, some things are moving around quite a lot.

I think I've almost got it licked, Kermit! Emphasis on the "almost".

OK, let's go, Chef. Come on, OK, OK.

[Speaking in mock Swedish]

...frog's legs.

Uncle Kermit, somebody, anybody... help!

Hold it! Stop! Cut, cut, cut!

Don't say "cut", say "stop"!

So you say your boyfriend's name is "Sy"? Sy who?

Clops!

So what did you think of the movie Jaws?

Excuse me. Are you the monster who swallowed my harmonica?

So, how are the kids, Flo?

Oh, not too good. One of the chicks just came down with the "people pox".

My horoscope said I should be careful today or some great physical harm could befall me.

Oh, that's a lot of silly superstition.

[# Ukulele Lady]

[# Sonny Boy]

Oh, my son. When you grow up, you know, you might be a halfback, or you might even be a fullback. Or, if you really persevere, you might grow up and be a football.

Well you know, Lou, it's great having you on the show.

Hey, thank you, Kermit. It's really a gas to be here.

Well, you know. I got all of your records back at my pad. Pad, frog... lily pad. That's a little joke there.

Only possibly, Kermit. Only possibly.

Hey, listen, Lou, could you tell us, what is the secret of singing jazz like you do?

Well, Kermit, all you have to do really is just kinda lay back, you know, and lay down some golden tones, with soul and style.

Sure, you just gotta lay back and lay down some golden tones with soul and style. No, it doesn't even sound the same when I say it.

Hey, but listen, would you do a little bit of that for us right now?

No. No, I won't.

No?

You see, Kermit, you really can't sing jazz without soft light, you know, a little atmosphere. And you gotta have a band.

Oh, well listen, you got it.

Hey, Kermit. This is an inspiration and an open invitation, you know, for some soulful syncopation, you dig?

Does that mean something good?

Yes. It means let's sing.

Wonderful, I'll just be over here.

[# Bye Bye Blackbird]

Hold it, Floyd. Wait a minute...

I just love scat.

What?

Scat! Scat!

What? Is there a pussycat in here?

OK, great number. I loved it, I loved it. Let's see. Now where's Fozzie? If he's gonna do that roller skating act, it'll have to be soon.

Waaaah.

Whoa!

Ah, very good, Fozzie. You ready to go on?

I'm ready, Kermit. I'm just sorry I took so long. But I want you to know, it's tough. Roller skating is very, very difficult.

Easy for you to say! Whoa, whoa!

Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, our latest development is the nuclear-powered shaver. The honor of shaving for the very first time with the nuclear-powered shaver goes to my faithful lab assistant, Beaker. Come on in here, Beaker.

It's all right, come on. Now, in order to protect Beaker's fluffy orange hair from nuclear fallout, he will wear this protective helmet, which is... made of solid lead. Bend over, Beaker, here. Come on. Hurry up, bend over. There. All right. Up you go, Beaker. Now Beaker is ready for the demonstration. Notice how effective the lead helmet is! Now Beaker doesn't need a shave.

As you may have noticed, Fozzie has taken up roller skating. So here he is with funny jokes and figure eights, Mr. Fozzie Bear!

Hiya, hiya, hiya! How about that? Haven't told one joke and I'm rolling already. Whoa, whoa! Not bad on a ten-cent pair of skates, huh? Speaking of cheapskates...

Nice blend, Fozzie.

Thank you, Fozzie! [chuckles]

Hey, hey, hey... the next joke I'm gonna tell, I'm gonna do it while skating a figure eight. Here it goes... Speaking of cheapskates, I know a guy so cheap, when he goes fishing, he puts a picture of a worm on his hook and he catches a picture of a fish.

Hey, this is a great way for Fozzie to do his material. A moving target is harder to hit!

Oh, yeah? Well, watch this. I'm gonna tell this next joke while skating backwards, and with my foot in the air, wiggling my ears. Here it goes... OK, a guy walks in to a diner. There's a horse behind the counter. The guy just looks at the horse. The horse says, What's the matter, surprised to see me here? And the guy says, "Yeah, did the cow sell the place?"

He was doing OK until he fell off the stage.

Wrong. He was doing OK until he came on the stage.

Did the cow sell the place?

And now, once again, this time backed by the big band of Dr. Teeth, here he is, Mr. Lou Rawls!

[# You're The One]

[Sighs]

[Applause]

OK, well, that's about all the time we have, but before we go...

I'm going now...

As I was saying, before we go, let's have a warm thank you to our special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Lou Rawls!

Thank you, Kermit.

Wait a minute... Let's not stop! Now that we've got things going.

Well, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

I loved tonight's show!

Really?

Of course not. Just wanted to see if I could say it.

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