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Episode 214: Elton John/transcript

< Episode 214: Elton John

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Cold open

Theme

Opening number

Backstage

The Swedish Chef

Dressing room

Veterinarian's Hospital

UK spot

"Goodbye Yellow Brick Road"

Pigs in Space

Backstage

"Don't Go Breaking My Heart"

Goodnights

Elton John. Elton John. 15 seconds to curtain, Mr. John.

It's great to be here. Even my lunch likes me.

It's The Muppet Show with our special guest star, Mr. Elton John!

[Audience screaming]

  1. Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light
  1. Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight
  1. Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right
  1. Lt's time to get things started
  1. Lt's time to get things started
  1. On the most sensational, inspirational
  1. Celebrational, Muppetational
  1. This is what we call The Muppet Show! #

Thank you, thank you and welcome to The Muppet Show. We're going to have a wonderful show for you tonight. We're all very excited because our guest star is one of the world's greatest recording stars. And here he is now. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John!

[# Crocodile Rock: Elton John]

See you later, alligator.

OK, listen guys, how many times have I told you? Never eat the guest stars at the beginning of the show. Oh, Miss Piggy, is Elton John OK?

OK? He's fantastic!

Terrific. Scooter! Scooter!

Chef, you're on next.

[Speaks mock Swedish]

I know.

I know.

I know!

I don't know.

Scooter! Scooter!

Yes, chief?

What are you doing with this piano?

I found this song for Elton John. He's just gotta hear it.

He don't gotta hear it.

Gee, my uncle who owns this theater wanted him to hear it.

Where do you want the piano?

Upstairs in Elton John's dressing room.

You got it.

[Singing in mock Swedish]

[Speaks in mock Swedish]

Let's sneak out and have a pizza.

Kermit, I know you like to make your guests feel at home, but don't you think a piano in the dressing room is overdoing it?

See, I've been meaning to talk to you about this piano. See, we've got a gofer around here and, uh...

We've had frogs, chickens and now a gopher?

Yeah, that's an old theatrical term. A gofer is somebody you have around to go for coffee. Isn't that interesting?

No.

You see, this gofer of ours has found a song he wants you to do on the show.

Kermit, I thought you were more professional than that.

I'm sorry, Elton, but the kid has taste. He's got talent and his uncle owns the theater. Please, please!

OK, OK, let's hear it.

OK, Scooter, come on in! Get it over with.

OK, chief. Elton, sit down. Make yourself comfortable. You'll love it! Ready?

Hold it! Stop! Hold it!

Scooter, I told you Elton wouldn't like that song. That song is tasteless. That song has no melody. Isn't that the worst song you've ever heard, Elton?

Well, I didn't think so when I wrote it.

You wrote that song?

Yep.

Oh.

It's a rather interesting song. It's got a nice little melody.

[Humming]

You really hated it, huh? Well, uh... yeah.

It can sound different.

It can?

Yeah, let me show you.

Let's hear it.

[# Bennie and the Jets: Elton John]

[Announcer] Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital. The continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.

Here's the next patient, Dr. Bob.

It's a dog! I hope he doesn't have fleas.

Why not?

I hate to start from scratch.

What kind of dog is he, Dr. Bob?

Ask him what time it is.

Why?

He might be a watch dog.

Of course, he could be a guard dog.

You know, I know a woman who was once attacked by her own guard dog.

Doberman pinscher?

No, Doberman bit her!

Where did you find him?

At the lost and hound department.

I wish he was a dachsund.

Why?

I'd like to get a long little doggy.

And so once again, Dr. Bob has taken the bulldog by the horns. Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say...

Dr. Bob, I think the patient is running a fever.

Go get some mustard.

Mustard?

That's what you always put on a hot dog.

Hey, I didn't know you could play the piano.

I didn't know it either. Join in.

Very good. Here I go.

Oh, he's good.

Yeah.

Ah.

This is my part. Take it.

Very good. Thank you.

Yeah. Together!

OK.

You take it now, OK? Ready, go!

Ah!

Come on in!

This is fun! Ah!

Ready? What?

Modulate.

What's that?

You did it! Thank you! Whatever.

Oh, my hat! Hey!

What do I do?

Can you play hatless? What?

Can you play hatless? I don't know. Who wrote it?

Keep playing! Yes, sir.

Oh, that's how it works, huh?

Just play! Yes, sir!

Big finish!

Watch out! Huh?

[# Any Old Lron]

Ladies and gentlemen...

Kermit's allowed me to do an introduction to our guest star. But I promised not to get carried away, so I'll be very understated.

Here he is, the greatest talent in the history of the universe,

Elton John!

[# Goodbye Yellow Brick Road: Elton John]

And now, Pigs in Space! Starring the intangible Link Hogthrob. The redoubtable Miss Piggy. And the sanctimonious Dr. Strangepork. As we left the Swinetreck last time, the crew had just been overcome with a fearful attack of boredom.

Oh, the endless sameness of eternal space.

A pig could go mad.

We only blasted off 20 minutes ago.

That long? At least we could have brought a TV set.

I'm missing all my favorite bowling shows.

You and your bowling shows.

He cries at the sad parts.

Uh, Doctor. What does that red light mean?

The red light means stop. The green light means go.

No, no, no, no. Not traffic lights, you twit! That light on the console.

Oh, that light.

That means we've been invaded by alien beings.

Yes, even now hideous creatures of some sort are roaming the ship!

Oh, help! Do something, Miss Piggy! If they're like snakes I'll scream!

You're the captain, fatso!

According to the sensors, there are two creatures.

Two? Two snakes? I'll just die!

Will you please?

Yes, here's the read-out.

One is very frightened and has feathers. The other speaks some sort of strange Scandinavian tongue.

Aliens! Alien beings in the control room! Alien beings in the control room!

Help! Oh, they're hideous creatures loose in the control room!

Well, they're gone. Somehow, I miss them.

Oh, the endless sameness of eternal space.

Tune in next week and be bored again by Pigs in Space!

Kermit. About this Elton John.

Yeah?

I have seen some pretty weird guests on this show, but this Elton John borders on the revolutionary.

Well, Sam, Elton John is a very important musician.

Then why does he dress like a stolen car?

Sam, musicians have always been fancy dressers.

Mozart wasn't. Mozart wore high heels and wigs and silk stockings.

Hold your little green tongue!

It's true, Sam.

If Mozart wore high heels, wigs and stockings, I'll eat my hat.

And give Elton John a big introduction?

That, too.

Look at this great picture of Mozart Elton John gave me! Love those high heels and silk stockings.

What?

Sam, you know you'd look great in a powdered wig.

Good grief! I've been hornswaggled.

OK guys, come on in!

Do I have to do this?

Yes, you do, Sam. A bet is a bet.

All right. Um, let's see. I am proud to introduce one of the great names in popular music. One of my all time favorites, Elton John.

And?

All right.

All right!

There's a wonderful lady that I have always wanted to work and sing with. So will you please give a great reception to the fantastic Miss Piggy!

Oh, thank you! Kissy, kissy! Kisses to you all! Oh, Elton, have you been waiting long, poopsie?

It seems like an eternity. Of course it does. Ready!

Um-hmm!

[# Don't Go Breaking My Heart: Elton John]

Eat your heart out, Kiki!

Hey, we look like members of the rock age.

No, we look more like members of the Stone Age.

Well, that's about all the time we have. Boy, are we gonna have some wardrobe bill.

But we're gonna save on the light bill.

That's true. Once again, let's bring out our special guest star and the man who caused all this, Mr. Elton John!

Boy, Elton, you look weird!

Well, you guys are all dressed like stolen cars.

Hey, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

Well, what did you think?

I hate running gags.

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