Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Elton John. Elton John? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. John!
Elton It's great to be here. Even my lunch likes me.
The food on his table swoons over him.
Food Oh, Elton! Elton, I love you! Oh, we love you, Elton!
He sprinkles salt on the talking food.
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Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Elton John!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins. Statler and Waldorf enter their box.
203-2
Gonzo's trumpet unleashes a spray of water.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you and welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, we're going to have a wonderful show for you tonight. We're all very excited around here because our guest star is one of the world's greatest recording stars. And here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John! YAAAAYY!
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In a crocodile-infested swamp, Elton performs "Crocodile Rock" with the Electric Mayhem. The crocodiles end up dragging him into the water in an attempt to gobble him up.
Waldorf (chuckles)
Statler & Waldorf See you later, alligator! (they chuckle)

Backstage

The crocs pass Kermit. An amorous Piggy sighs.
Kermit Okay, hey, listen guys, how many times have I told you? Never eat the guest stars at the beginning of the show. Huh? Oh, Miss Piggy, is Elton John okay?
Miss Piggy Okay? He's fantastic!
Kermit Terrific. Uh, Scooter! Scooter! (the Swedish Chef passes by) Oh! Oh, Chef, hey, you're on next.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish)
Kermit I know. … I know. … I know!! (the Chef goes onstage) I don't know. Scooter! Scooter! (bumps into a piano)
Scooter Uh, yes, chief?
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Kermit Uh, Scooter, what are you doing with this piano?
Scooter Oh, I found this song for Elton John. He's just gotta hear it.
Kermit He don't gotta hear it.
Scooter Gee, my uncle who owns this theater wanted him to hear it.
Kermit Uh, where do you want the piano?
Scooter Upstairs in Elton John's dressing room.
Kermit You got it.
They both start moving it.

The Swedish Chef

Open on the Chef, dancing with two wooden spoons and a chicken in a box.
Swedish Chef (sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
Chicken (with Chef) Bawk bawk bawk.
He tosses the spoons and tickles the chicken.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … de chïckëe … coøchëe-coøchëe-coøchëe, chïckëe-bøo …
He displays a frying pan.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … ëgg du Chëf. Ëgg du Chëf.
He addresses the chicken and points to the pot. The chicken starts clucking. The Chef looks under the chicken and finds a ping-pong ball.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … de ëgg? (bounces it) … es nür de ëgg, de pïng-pøng båll!
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He commands the chicken to lay an egg. The chicken clucks again. The Chef looks under the chicken and finds two more ping-pong balls.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … nø ëgg du Chëf … chïckëe du Chëf!
He salts the chicken, then chases it around the kitchen with the frying pan. He briefly strums the pan like a ukulele, then the chase resumes.
Waldorf Hey. Let's sneak out and have a pizza.
Statler nods. They sneak out.

Dressing room

Elton Kermit, uh, I know you like to make your guests feel at home on the show, but don't you think a piano in the dressing room is overdoing it a little?
Kermit Oh. Well, you see, I've been meaning to talk to you about this piano. Uh, you see, we've got a gofer around here and, uh...
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Elton We've had frogs, chickens and now a gopher?
Kermit Uh, oh yeah, you see, that's an old theatrical term. A gofer is somebody you have around to "go fer" coffee. Isn't that interesting?
Elton No.
Kermit Yeah, well, you see, this gofer of ours, uh, well, he's found a song he wants you to do on the show.
Elton Mm. Oh, Kermit, I thought you were more professional than that.
Kermit Oh, I'm— I'm sorry, Elton, but the kid has taste, he's got talent, and he's got an uncle who owns the theater. Please? Oh, please!
Elton Okay, okay, let's hear it.
Kermit Okay, Scooter, come on in! Get it over with.
Scooter and the other Muppets rush in.
Scooter Okay, chief. Come on, Elton, sit down. Make yourself comfortable. You'll love it! Ready? One two three four!
Scooter starts playing the piano and the Muppets all start singing out of tune.
Elton Hold it! Stop! Hold it!
Kermit Hold it, hold it. Scooter, I told — I told you you Elton wouldn't like that song. That song is tasteless. That song has no melody. That — isn't — isn't that the worst song you've ever heard, Elton?
Elton Well, I didn't think so when I wrote it.
Kermit You wrote that song?
Elton Yep.
Kermit Oh. It's a rather interesting song. It's got a nice little melody. (hums)
Elton You really hated it, huh?
Kermit Well, uh... yeah.
Elton Well, it can sound different.
Scooter It can?
Elton Yeah, let me show you.
Kermit Let's hear it.
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Elton performs "Bennie and the Jets". The Muppets join in.

Veterinarian's Hospital

Open on Piggy attempting to blow up the balloon pump through a tube. She makes her way to the table, hiccuping.
Announcer Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Janice Here's the next patient, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf uncovers Baskerville on the table.
Rowlf It's a dog! I hope he doesn't have fleas.
Miss Piggy Why not?
Rowlf I hate to start from scratch.
They all laugh.
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Janice What kind of dog is he, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf Ask him what time it is.
Janice Why?
Rowlf He might be a watch dog.
They all laugh.
Rowlf Of course, he could be a guard dog. You know, I know a woman who was once attacked by her own guard dog.
Miss Piggy Doberman pinscher?
Rowlf No, Doberman bit her!
They all laugh.
Rowlf Hey, where did you find him?
Janice At the lost and hound department.
They all laugh.
Rowlf Oh, I wish he was a dachshund.
Janice Why?
Rowlf I'd like to get a long little doggy.
They all laugh.
Announcer And so once again, Dr. Bob has taken the bulldog by the horns. Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say...
Miss Piggy Dr. Bob, I think the patient is running a fever.
Rowlf Oh! Well, go get some mustard.
Miss Piggy Mustard?
Rowlf That's what you always put on a hot dog.
Piggy and Janice groan and walk away.

UK spot

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Kermit, Fozzie and a pair of Whatnots sing "Any Old Iron".

"Goodbye Yellow Brick Road"

Scooter Ladies and gentlemen...
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The Chef chases the chicken across the stage, now holding a meat cleaver.
Scooter Anyway, Kermit's allowed me to do an introduction to our guest star tonight. But I promised not to get carried away, so I'll be very understated. Here he is, the greatest talent in the history of the universe, Elton John! YAAAYYY!
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Elton and the Electric Mayhem perform "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road."

Pigs in Space

Vehicle.Swinetrek
Announcer And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! Starring the intangible Link Hogthrob … the redoubtable Miss Piggy … and the sanctimonious Dr. Strangepork. As we left the Swinetrek last time, the crew had just been overcome with a fearful attack of boredom.
They all sigh.
Link Hogthrob Oh, the endless sameness of eternal space. A pig could go mad.
Dr. Julius Strangepork We only blasted off twenty minutes ago.
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Link Hogthrob That long? At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all my favorite bowling shows.
Miss Piggy You — you and your bowling shows. (to audience) He cries at the sad parts.
Strangepork laughs. A red light bulb flashes.
Link Hogthrob Uh, Doctor.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Hmm?
Link Hogthrob Uh, what does that red light mean?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Oh, the red light means stop, the green light means go, the yellow light—
Miss Piggy No, no, no, no. Not traffic lights, you twit. That light on the console.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Oh, THAT light. That means we've been invaded by alien beings.
Link Hogthrob (with Piggy, bored) Oh. (startled) WHAT?!?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Yes, even now hideous creatures of some sort are roaming the ship!
Link Hogthrob Oh! Oh, help! Do something, Miss Piggy! If they're like snakes I'll scream!
Miss Piggy You're the captain, fatso!
Dr. Julius Strangepork According to the sensors, there are two creatures!
Link Hogthrob Two? Two snakes? I'll just die! (hides behind Piggy)
Miss Piggy Will you please?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Yes, here's the read-out. One is very frightened and has feathers. The other speaks some sort of strange Scandinavian tongue.
Pigsinspace214
The Swedish Chef enters, still chasing the chicken around the ship.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Aliens! Alien beings in the control room! Alien beings in the control room! Help! Oh, they're hideous creatures loose in the control room!
They leave. The boredom returns.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Well, they're gone.
Miss Piggy Somehow, I miss them.
Link Hogthrob Oh, the endless sameness of eternal space.
They all sigh.
Announcer Tune in next week and be bored again by PIGS… IN… SPACE!

Backstage

The chicken, now holding the meat cleaver, chases the Chef past Kermit.
Sam the Eagle Kermit. About this Elton John.
Kermit Yeah?
Sam the Eagle I have seen some pretty weird guests on this show, but this Elton John borders on the revolutionary.
Kermit Uh, well, Sam, Elton John is a very important musician.
Sam the Eagle Then why does he dress like a stolen car?
Kermit Uh, Sam, musicians have always been fancy dressers.
Sam the Eagle Mozart wasn't.
Kermit Mozart wore high heels and wigs and silk stockings.
Sam the Eagle (shocked) Hold your little green tongue!
Kermit It's true, Sam.
Sam the Eagle Huh — if Mozart wore high heels, wigs and stockings, I'll eat my hat.
Kermit And uh, give Elton John a big introduction?
Sam the Eagle (slaps the table) That, too.
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Scooter Hey, guys! Look at this great picture of Mozart Elton John gave me! Love those high heels and silk stockings.
Sam the Eagle What?
Scooter Sam, you know, you'd look great in a powdered wig.
Sam the Eagle Good grief! I've been hornswoggled.
Scooter Okay guys, come on in!
Some Whatnots enter with a dressing board. Kermit joins them as they shove Sam behind it.

"Don't Go Breaking My Heart"

Main stage. Sam is pushed onstage, wearing a flashy outfit.
Sam the Eagle Do I have to do this?
Kermit Yes, you do, Sam. A bet is a bet.
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Sam the Eagle All right. Um, let's see. (reads from a paper) "I am proud to introduce one of the great names in popular music. One of my all time favorites…" (tosses it) Elton John.
Kermit And?
Sam the Eagle All right.
He starts eating his hat as he and Kermit walk offstage. The curtain opens on Elton, backed by the Mayhem.
Elton All right! There's a wonderful lady that I have always wanted to work and sing with. So will you please give a great reception to the fantastic Miss Piggy!
Applause as she emerges.
Miss Piggy Oh, thank you! Kissy, kissy! Kissy to you all! Oh, Elton, have you been waiting long, poopsie?
Elton It seems like an eternity.
Miss Piggy Of course it does. Ready!
Elton Um-hmm!
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They do a duet of "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart".
Miss Piggy (midway) Eat your heart out, Kiki!
She showers him with kissy-kissys. Applause.
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Statler & Waldorf (cheering)
Statler Hey, we look like members of the rock age.
Waldorf No, we look more like members of the Stone Age.
They chuckle.

Goodnights

Kermit and the rest of the gang have adopted Elton's bizarre sense of style.
Kermit Well, that's about all the time we have. Boy, are we gonna have some wardrobe bill.
Scooter But we're gonna save on the light bill.
Kermit That's true. Hey, but once again, let's bring out our special guest star and the man who caused all this, Mr. Elton John! Yaaayy!
Applause. Elton emerges in a normal outfit, much to the shock of the Muppets.
Scooter Boy, Elton, you look weird!
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Elton Well, you guys are all dressed like stolen cars.
Kermit Hey, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The banter continues as the credits roll.
Statler Well, what did you think?
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The frightened Chef pops up and runs away from the cleaver-wielding chicken.
Waldorf I hate running gags!
ATV
THE END

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