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Episode 213: Rudolf Nureyev/transcript

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00:00:08 [Knocking on door]

00:00:10 Rudolph Nureyev, uh, Rudolph Nureyev?

00:00:13 Fifteen seconds, Mr. Nureyev?

00:00:16 Uh-huh, I knew he was too smart to show up.

00:00:21 [Drumroll]

00:00:23 It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Rudolph Nureyev.

00:00:29 [Applause and whistles]

00:00:42 # Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light

00:00:46 # Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

00:00:50 # Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right

00:00:54 # Lt's time to get things started

00:00:56 [both] # Da-da-da-da-da-da-da

00:00:59 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:00 # On the most sensational, Lnspirational

00:01:03 # Celebrational, Muppetational

00:01:05 # This is what we call The Muppet Show! #

00:01:11 [high-pitched squeaking]

00:01:15 [Applause]

00:01:20 Boy, Sam really has this place looking good for Rudolph Nureyev.

00:01:24 Yeah, I don't mind that so much,

00:01:26 but me and Robin are mad we have to wear these formal clothes.

00:01:30 - You and Robin? Where's Robin? - Oh, right here.

00:01:34 It's the only hat I could find.

00:01:37 Atten-hut!

00:01:40 - Beg pardon? - Line up for inspection.

00:01:42 - Inspection? - We must look proper for Mr. Nureyev.

00:01:46 At last, to have a man of dignity,

00:01:49 a man of culture on this weird, sick program.

00:01:55 - Did you wash your flippers? - [Stammering] Yes, sir.

00:01:58 - Let's have a look. - [Grunting]

00:02:02 Will you please get off the floor?

00:02:06 Will you comb your hair and polish those shoes?

00:02:09 Ah, yes, sir. Yes, sir.

00:02:10 And one more thing, your hat's too big.

00:02:14 Sam, can I introduce the show?

00:02:15 Of course, yes, but just do it with dignity.

00:02:18 - Uh, yes, yes. - [Sighs]

00:02:19 Oh! To have the brilliant, talented Rudolph Nureyev on our show!

00:02:26 He's my favorite opera singer.

00:02:30 Thank you, thank you, thank you!

00:02:32 Hi there and welcome to The Muppet Show!

00:02:35 You call that dignity?

00:02:37 - Uh, I'm sorry, Sam. - [Scoffs]

00:02:39 Uh, ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed an honor...

00:02:43 - Good. welcome you to The Muppet Show.

00:02:46 Uh, tonight's guest star is one of the world's great masters of the ballet,

00:02:50 Mr. Rudolph Nureyev.

00:02:52 [Stammers] Wait.

00:02:53 Are you sure it's ballet, not opera?

00:02:56 Positive.

00:02:58 Six of one, half dozen of the other. Culture is culture. Go ahead.

00:03:01 [Clears throat] Uh...

00:03:03 But here to get things started is Dr. Teeth and the Electric...

00:03:06 Not Dr. Teeth!

00:03:09 Sam, I know I promised you a very cultural show, but don't worry.

00:03:12 They're playing a minuet, and they have promised to be very classy.

00:03:17 May I have that in writing?

00:03:20 Just get off.

00:03:24 [# Minuet in G Major]

00:03:36 Hey. Hey, what's this bummer called again?

00:03:38 - Minuet in G Major. - Huh.

00:03:42 They ought to send it back to the minors.

00:03:45 If I knew we were gonna do this,

00:03:47 I'd have just stayed home and sent in my suit.

00:03:50 - [Animal groans] - [Floyd] Animal's not gonna make it.

00:03:55 - He's gonna freak. - [Animal groaning louder]

00:03:58 - If he goes, I go with him. - [Shouting]

00:04:02 [Dr. Teeth] It's a breakout!

00:04:06 [Loud rock version of the minuet]

00:04:19 [Audience applauds and whistles]

00:04:25 You know, the older I get, the more I appreciate good music.

00:04:29 Yeah? What's that got to do with what we just heard?

00:04:32 Nothing, just thought I'd mention it.

00:04:36 [Animal chattering indistinctly]

00:04:38 Not very cultural, guys. Not very cultural.

00:04:41 That was degrading! That was awful.

00:04:45 - Mr. Nureyev must be shocked! - Well, I doubt it.

00:04:48 Well, of course he is. He is sensitive,

00:04:51 he is creative, he is artistic.

00:04:54 - He is not here. - What?

00:04:57 No, no, it's OK. He phoned in, he's running a little bit late.

00:05:00 Oh! Thank goodness.

00:05:02 Now, remember, when Mr. Nureyev arrives,

00:05:05 we must be dignified, we must be respectful.

00:05:11 Hi, you guys.

00:05:13 - Ah! - I'm here.

00:05:16 Not for long, you are not.

00:05:18 We are waiting for Mr. Nureyev.

00:05:20 - Hey... - I'll handle this.

00:05:21 Get out of here, you freak. You hippie! You weirdo, get out!

00:05:25 Move, move! Get a haircut!

00:05:30 Who do these punk kids think they are?

00:05:32 That one thinks he's Rudolph Nureyev.

00:05:37 - What? - [Stammers] That was Rudolph Nureyev.

00:05:42 What have I done? [gasps]

00:05:46 I think I'll go out and introduce something cultural.

00:05:50 [Groans]

00:05:52 Uh, uh, now in keeping with our tone of culture and classicism,

00:05:58 and to kill time while we see if we still have a guest star,

00:06:01 we proudly present the love duet

00:06:03 from the third act of The Barber of Die Fliedremaus.

00:06:06 Uh, by Giusseppe Vagner...

00:06:09 ...or Giusseppe Wagner.

00:06:12 Um... whatever.

00:06:17 [# Duet from Don Giovanni]

00:06:20 [Singing in Italian]

00:06:35 [Singing in Italian]

00:06:54 You.

00:07:15 [Crashing]

00:07:33 - [Magnet humming] - [Both screaming]

00:07:40 I hope Mr. Nureyev didn't see that.

00:07:44 [Crashing]

00:07:47 You know, there's nothing like grand opera.

00:07:49 Yep, and that was nothing like it!

00:07:53 Mr. Nureyev, will you ever forgive me?

00:07:57 Uh, he forgives you, Sam.

00:07:59 - What? - I just talked to him.

00:08:01 He isn't angry, he's putting on his costume for his big ballet number.

00:08:04 Oh! Bless you, frog.

00:08:06 Oh, thank you for these glad tidings.

00:08:09 And what ballet, may I ask,

00:08:11 is the incomparable Mr. Nureyev going to perform?

00:08:15 Uh, Swine Lake.

00:08:17 Culture, yes, culture. Dignity at last.

00:08:21 Uh... Swine Lake?!

00:08:26 Uh, ladies and gentlemen, in the classic ballet Swine Lake,

00:08:31 a beautiful princess has been turned into a pig

00:08:34 by the wicked magician, Trichinosis.

00:08:37 Uh, unfortunately, the handsome prince, there's a handsome prince, too,

00:08:41 the handsome prince hasn't heard about the change.

00:08:44 Here, then, the very princely, Mr. Rudolph Nureyev.

00:08:48 [Applause]

00:08:51 [# Swan Lake]

00:11:38 - [Music ends] - [Audience applauds]

00:11:48 [Up-tempo music plays]

00:11:51 # L've got two wheels on my tricycle and four toes on each foot

00:11:57 # L've got six days in my week and up with this L will not put

00:12:02 # L'm a bath without a plug and L'm a handle with no jug

00:12:07 # L'm a kiss without a hug unless you're near me

00:12:12 # L've got three strings on my violin and L'm an only twin

00:12:17 # Something's missing something's missing, something's...

00:12:21 # ... ing

00:12:27 # Now, my cat has only got eight lives he chases two blind mice

00:12:32 # On my birthday when L get three cheers they only cheer me twice

00:12:38 # L'm an oil well with no oil and L'm a plant that has no soil

00:12:43 # L'm a kettle that won't boil unless you're near me

00:12:48 # Two and two make three when L add

00:12:50 # You're an orphan, says my dad

00:12:53 # Something's missing something's missing, something's...

00:12:57 # ... ing

00:13:03 # But whenever you come close to me my life is all complete

00:13:08 # For no longer do L have four toes no longer two left feet

00:13:14 # L'm a playground full of swings and L'm an eagle with his wings

00:13:19 # L'm a nightingale that sings because you're near me

00:13:24 # Now, my love, L beg you stay

00:13:27 # 'Cause when you stay then L can say

00:13:29 [both] # Nothing's missing Nothing's missing

00:13:32 # Nothing's miss...

00:13:38 # ... ing #

00:13:48 [man] And now, Veterinarian's Hospital.

00:13:51 On this special episode, our quack who has gone to the dogs

00:13:55 will pay tribute to William Shakespeare.

00:13:58 Prithee, nurse, who beith our next patient?

00:14:02 Why, this little piglet, sire.

00:14:04 Not piglet, Hamlet.

00:14:07 Remember, we're doing Shakespeare.

00:14:09 Hmm, sounds more like bacon.

00:14:13 Say, this patient needs a transfusion. What's his blood type?

00:14:16 Well, I think it's Two-B, but I'm not sure.

00:14:20 Well, make up your mind, Two-B or not Two-B.

00:14:25 Gadzooks, they have no shame.

00:14:28 Say, I'm listening to this patient's heart.

00:14:31 - Zounds. - Zounds what?

00:14:33 Zounds terrible.

00:14:36 That frog wanted Shakespeare, he's getting Shakespeare.

00:14:39 But you're a doctor, first.

00:14:41 Right, doctor first, Richard the second, Henry the fourth.

00:14:44 [Moans]

00:14:46 - Methinks we should take our leave. - Why?

00:14:49 Look at the time.

00:14:53 Man, the timing of the shrew.

00:14:55 - Are you calling me a shrew? - If the shrew fits...

00:15:01 [man] So we leave Veterinarian's Hospital-on-Avon.

00:15:04 Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Bob say,

00:15:08 Alas, poor pork, I knew thee well.

00:15:15 Now that really offended me. I'm a student of Shakespeare.

00:15:19 [Scoffs] You were a student with Shakespeare.

00:15:24 - [Clears throat] Kermie? - Uh, yes, Miss Piggy.

00:15:27 - May I speak with you about our duet? - What? Is something wrong with it?

00:15:32 Wrong? Why it's wonderful!

00:15:36 Oh, at last, a mature and passionate love duet

00:15:40 between me and my Kermie.

00:15:43 - Ah, well, you're not doing it with me. - What?

00:15:46 No, you're gonna do it with Rudolph Nureyev.

00:15:49 [Crashing]

00:15:51 Coming Rudy!

00:15:58 My Uncle Kermit can't make the next introduction,

00:16:01 he's trying to get the spiked heel marks off his throat.

00:16:06 So, I guess I'll fill in.

00:16:08 Here, once again, the multi-talented Rudolph Nureyev.

00:16:11 Uh, yeah, I know. The hat's still too big.

00:16:29 Holy maracas!

00:16:33 Uh, mm-hmm, hello.

00:16:39 Uh, don't you, uh, talk to strangers?

00:16:43 Depends on how strange the stranger is.

00:16:46 [Laughing] Oh, what a wonderful sense of humor you have.

00:16:51 And you have a marvelous mind.

00:16:53 And the other parts ain't bad, either.

00:16:56 Just think of it.

00:16:58 Last week I've been dancing with Natalia Makarova.

00:17:01 And today, I'm in a steam room with a lady pig.

00:17:04 Oh, yes. And isn't it heaven?

00:17:08 I don't think heaven is this warm.

00:17:11 It's more like the other place.

00:17:13 Uh, well, if you're warm, maybe you're overdressed?

00:17:17 - No, I'm fine. - Maybe I'm overdressed.

00:17:20 - That's it, I'm leaving. - Oh, no, sweetie, you just got here.

00:17:24 Please?

00:17:26 You don't understand.

00:17:28 [# Baby, it's Cold Outside]

00:18:44 - [Song ends] - [Chattering indistinctly]

00:18:53 - Oh, please. - [Crashing]

00:19:01 Boy, he's really good, that Rudolph Nurey...

00:19:04 ...uh, Nureyey...

00:19:05 I should really learn to pronounce his name.

00:19:08 Oh, don't bother now.

00:19:09 After this show, he'll probably change it.

00:19:15 [# Claire de Lune]

00:19:38 [Whispering] You forgot your candelabra.

00:19:40 I'll go get it, you keep playing.

00:19:43 Sounds terrific.

00:20:00 [Fozzie] Got a match? A match. A match for the candle... OK.

00:20:18 Lighter, lighter! Gonzo...

00:20:25 [lighter clicking]

00:20:29 It doesn't work. It doesn't...

00:20:37 Uh, Rowlf, I think it's all taken care of.

00:20:40 You're gonna have a beautiful candle to play with.

00:20:43 [Torch hissing]

00:20:48 Fabulous.

00:20:50 Give it time.

00:20:56 Uh, sorry about that. Gonzo!

00:21:00 Rudolph, I want to tell you how delighted we are

00:21:03 to have you on our show tonight.

00:21:05 - I'm having a great time. - Oh, good.

00:21:08 I'm afraid your friend, the eagle, isn't too pleased.

00:21:11 - That's Sam. Don't worry about him. - [Knocking on door]

00:21:14 Mr. Nureyev, may I have your attention?

00:21:16 Yes. Well...

00:21:19 ...maybe I'm not too sure.

00:21:21 Oh, I just want to apologize

00:21:24 for the disgusting things the frog has forced you to do on this show.

00:21:29 - Uh, the frog did not force him. - Humph.

00:21:32 The frog didn't force me.

00:21:34 - What? - No. I wanted to do them.

00:21:37 - And it was fun. - [Gasps]

00:21:39 I can't believe I am speaking to the real Rudolph Nureyev.

00:21:44 Does that mean you're going to throw me out again?

00:21:48 - [Stammers] No, of course not. - Good.

00:21:50 There's one more number I'd like to do.

00:21:53 A-ha! I should have known.

00:21:55 The first two for the low-brow element,

00:21:58 but for your finale, a brilliant interpretation of classic ballet.

00:22:04 Exactly.

00:22:07 Is that a ballet costume?

00:22:10 Trust me, Sam. You see...

00:22:12 [up-tempo music plays]

00:22:17 [# Top Hat White Tie and Tails]

00:23:42 [Gunshot effect]

00:23:44 [Gunshot effect]

00:23:46 [Machine gun effect]

00:23:51 [Song ends]

00:24:01 OK, so once again we come now to the end of another show.

00:24:05 So let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star,

00:24:08 the incomparable Rudolf Nureyev! Yay!

00:24:13 [Applause and cheering]

00:24:17 This has been a very different experience for me.

00:24:20 Mr. Nureyev, I just want you to know that I am sorry.

00:24:26 - You are sorry you threw me out? - No, I'm sorry I ever let you back in.

00:24:33 This has been shocking.

00:24:34 Ah, cool it, baldy.

00:24:38 OK, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!

00:24:43 [Indistinct shouting]

00:25:18 - Now, wasn't that a cultural show? - [Snoring]

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