A balloon comes out of Gonzo's trumpet, but fails to blow up all the way.
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause, wearing a tux.
Kermit
Okay! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Right, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, we have a wonderful show for you tonight, because our guest star is one of the all time multitalented, beautiful ladies of the world, Miss Bernadette Peters. (applause) Okay, but first of all — first of all, we've got an opening number, which features me. I do sing and dance occasionally, so you'll know I'm not just another pretty face.
The audience laughs. Piggy comes onstage, preening herself.
Miss Piggy
Uh, Kermie, my love?
Kermit
Mmm?
Miss Piggy
About the opening number. It is a, uh, duet.
Kermit
That's true.
Miss Piggy
I wish you'd told me earlier. I don't have time to learn the lyrics.
Kermit
Oh, that's okay. I'm doing it with Miss Mousey. (walks off)
Miss Piggy
Miss Mousey? MISS MOUSEY??!?
She runs after him. The curtain opens, and Kermit and Miss Mousey do a duet of "How Could You Believe Me".
In the balcony, Piggy stands behind Statler and joins him in booing.
Statler
Boo! Hiss! Terrible.
Miss Piggy
Boo! SSSS!
Statler
I hated it.
Waldorf
Really? I kind of liked it.
Statler
Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock. Ohh! Boo! Hiss! Terrible!
Miss Piggy
Boo.
Backstage[]
Robin sits on the floor.
Robin
Let's see if I've got it right now. Ahem. "Uncle Kermit, despite my small size and diminutive sta —"
Kermit enters the frame.
Kermit
Okay, hey, listen, uh, big monsters on stage for the Bernadette Peters number!
Sweetums, Thog and Timmy pass by and almost step on Robin.
Kermit
Come on, you guys. Move it. Move it. Come on. Move it. Move it.
Robin
Look out! You almost stepped on me.
Kermit
Aw, come on now, you can't go on stage looking like that. Now get back out there! You gotta brush your hair.
The monsters walk over Robin again, in the other direction.
Kermit
Come on! Bernadette Peters is a big star. You gotta clean up. Clean up. Come on, come on, we don't have much time.
Robin
Aw. Nobody ever notices me. Uh, "Uncle Kermit, uh, despite my small size and diminutive stature…"
The monsters walk over Robin again, onstage.
Kermit
Okay, come on! HURRY UP! HURRY UP! The number is about to start! Get on stage, get on stage!
Robin
… "I'm known to be the center of attraction wherever I go, and I want a feature part in the show!" Aww, rats.
"Take a Little One Step"[]
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit
And now, ladies and gentlemen, one of the loveliest ladies in all of show business …
Miss Piggy
Uh, Kermie, you're not bringing that Miss Mousey back, are you?
Kermit
Uh, no, this is our guest star, Bernadette Peters.
Miss Piggy
Well, you're not singing with her, are you?
Kermit
No, no, no, no. She's working with some of our big, ugly, shaggy beasts.
Miss Piggy
Sounds like Miss Mousey to me. (exits)
Kermit
Will you get out of here! Ladies and gentlemen, the beautiful Miss Bernadette Peters.
The curtain opens. Bernadette Peters sings "Take a Little One Step" while dancing with Sweetums, Thog, and Timmy.
Waldorf
Wow, wonderful, wonderful. That Bernadette Peters is terrific.
Statler
Well, I reserve judgment.
Waldorf
Till when?
Statler
Till the pig tells me what to say.
Miss Piggy
Bernadette Peters you can like.
Statler
I loved her, I loved her!
Waldorf
Good, good.
Miss Piggy
It's the mouse you gotta hate.
Statler
I hated her!
Waldorf
Terrible mouse!
Statler
Yeah, rotten!
Waldorf
Boo!
Statler
Boo!
Backstage[]
In the prop room, Robin is nowhere to be seen on camera.
Robin
Aw, gee. I'm so small, they don't even see me most of the time.
Audience: "Awww." Robin pops up from behind an open suitcase.
Robin
And then when they do, they don't think I can do anything right.
Robin
Well, I'll show 'em. I'm running away. The next time they turn around and don't see me, I'll be gone. Then they'll see I can do something right.
He accidentally shuts himself in his own suitcase.
Sam stands by a small stage holding a book as harpsichord music plays.
Sam the Eagle
What — now? Oh. Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen, I, Sam the Eagle, will now read a fable, which should serve as a moral lesson to us all. Ahem. Once upon a time, there was an ant and a grasshopper.
They appear on the stage.
Sam the Eagle
It was warm and sunny where they lived. But the ant worked day and night, from dawn to dusk, storing food for the long, hard winter he knew would come.
Ant
Ohh, toil and labor, work and strife, are all that matter in this life.
Sam the Eagle
Oh, the ant is a wonderful character. But meanwhile, the lazy, pleasure-loving grasshopper sang and danced with appalling abandon.
Grasshopper
Winter will fall and snow will come, but now it's time to have some fun. Hoo hoo!
Sam the Eagle
Shocking! Shocking! And eventually, just as expected, winter came.
The "winter" backdrop is lowered.
Sam the Eagle
Very nice. And then it was, dear listeners... ahem. (turns the page) ... that the grasshopper drove his sports car to Florida, and the ant got stepped on. What?
Both of those things happen onstage.
Sam the Eagle
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! That was not in the script! Someone changed it! We'll — we'll have to do it again! (facepalms)
Statler
The grasshopper drove to Florida. (laughs)
Waldorf
The ant got stepped on. (they laugh)
Sam the Eagle
Will you stop that?
Waldorf
(whimpers) Why are they picking on us tonight?
Statler
(mumbles) I dunno …
Dressing room[]
Bernadette powders her face in the mirror. Robin pops up.
Robin
Ahem! Hello, Miss Peters.
Bernadette
Oh! Hello, Robin. I didn't see you.
Robin
Yeah, most people don't. Listen, I'm running away from home, but I — I did want to stop and say goodbye.
Bernadette
Oh, you're running away from home? How come?
Robin
Well, because nobody notices me around here.
Bernadette
Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.
Robin
(nods) See? I mean, no one cares about a six-ounce frog.
Bernadette
Robin, you've got to believe in yourself.
Robin
Hmm?
Bernadette
If just one person believes in you, (music swells up) deep enough and strong enough, believes in you…
Hard enough, and long enough, Before you knew it, someone else would think, "If he can do it, I can do it"…
Kermit shows up.
Bernadette
Making it …
Bernadette, Kermit
Two whole people who believe in you, Deep enough, and strong enough, believe in you, Hard enough and long enough, there's bound to be some Other person who believes in making it a threesome, making it …
Bernadette, Kermit, Fozzie
Three… People you can say believe in me.
Scooter, Gonzo, Droop, Rowlf, Green Frackle and Miss Mousey join them.
Bernadette & Muppets
And if three whole people, why not four? And if four whole people, why not more, and more, and more… And when all those people believe in you, Deep enough, and strong enough, believe in you, Hard enough, and long enough, it stands to reason, You yourself will start to see what everybody sees in you … And maybe even you (maybe even you …) Can believe in you, too.
She gives Robin a kiss. Applause.
The Swedish Chef[]
Open on the Chef, with a chicken in a box of hay. He waves two spoons and sings.
Swedish Chef
(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
He tosses the spoons.
Swedish Chef
(mock Swedish) … de lîttël chïcky-bøo. And de chïcky-bøo … (points to a frying pan) … lay de ëgg.
The chicken refuses the Chef's commands. The Chef waves a meat cleaver.
Chicken
Oh, okay! Okay! (clucks)
The Chef looks under the chicken and picks up a bomb with a lit fuse.
Swedish Chef
(mock Swedish) … de bøøm?
Explosion. The chicken laughs.
Backstage[]
Kermit
Okay. Is he all right? (Scooter runs by and nods) Good. Okay.
Robin
Hi, Uncle Kermit.
Kermit
Oh, hi there, Robin.
Robin
Hey, I feel just great after talking to Bernadette.
Kermit
Good.
Robin
Yeah. Say, listen, can I do a song on the show tonight?
Kermit
Oh, funny you should mention it, Robin, you know, I was just thinking the same thing.
Robin
Oh, boy! Look, the way I see it …
Kermit
Mm-hm?
Robin
… the curtain opens, and I'm standing there in a spotlight.
Kermit
Mm-hm.
Robin
The music swells and I sing, Away out here, they've got a name …
Kermit
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. "They Call the Wind Maria"?
Robin
Yeah. Great, huh?
Kermit
Uh, Robin, that's ridiculous. No no no, listen. I have a cute little song here that's much more fitting to a frog your age. It's called "I'm Five."
Robin
It's called cute and yucky. I don't wanna do it.
Kermit
Okay. Forget it.
Robin
Oh, hey. Is that any way to treat a performer? I'm gonna get an agent! I'm gonna get a lawyer! (runs away)
Kermit
Uh, I'm gonna get your father.
Robin
(comes back) I'm gonna get right out and learn this cute little song. (runs off with the sheet music)
Kermit
I thought he'd see it my way. (exits)
Muppet Labs[]
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here with news to set you a-quiver. Beaker. Beaker, dear lad, come over here.
Beaker comes to Bunsen.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Oh, Beaker, you forgot the beaker. Now, get the beaker, Beaker. Go on.
Beaker goes to fetch it. Bunsen addresses the crowd.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
You are about to see the first sample ever isolated of the new element Bunsonium, contained in this self-same beaker here.
He passes it to Beaker. Beaker passes it back out of fear.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
So far we have found no use for Bunsonium. We already know that it does not remove paint, it isn't a good glue, and when used as a shampoo, it produces unusual side effects. Right, Beaker?
Beaker sighs, removes his hair and sticks it back on.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
So today, we begin an experiment to see what Bunsonium does when taken internally.
They pass it back and forth again.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
My assistant Beaker here will now drink the Bunsonium.
Beaker gasps.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
That's all right. There, there, Beaker. Just take a teensy little sip at first, and remember not to get carried away and gulp the whole thing. Go ahead. It's all right. Go on.
Beaker reluctantly sips the solution and starts to quiver.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Good. And now, in just a few moments, we shall know exactly what Bunsonium does.
Beaker's head deflates.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Oh, so that's what Bunsonium does. Come, Beaker, let's go find a bicycle pump and pump you back up.
"I'm Five"[]
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit
Well, it's introduction time. So here he is, my own cute little nephew, Robin, singing "I'm Five".
Open on Robin sitting in a big easy chair. After he sings the cute little song, he gets applause.
Robin
And now for my next number — Away out here they've got a name, for wind and rain and fire…
He is yanked offstage by a cane.
Muppet newsflash[]
Newsman
Here's a Muppet newsflash. (runs to the desk) Dateline The Muppet Show. It has been reported just moments ago that a large, heavy object was dropped from the ceiling. Further developments will...
KLANG! An anvil falls on him.
"Apple Jack"[]
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit
Olay, and now let's go down home for a little singin', a little banjo pickin' and a little "Apple Jack" with the lovely Miss Bernadette Peters.
Okay. Well, we did the beginning part of the show, and then we did the middle part, so this has to be the end part. So let us have a warm thank you to our very special guest, Miss Bernadette Peters!
Applause.
Bernadette
Thank you, Kermit. You know, it's really been fun. But I especially want to thank Mr. Big, Robin the Frog.
Robin
(sitting on her shoulder) Aww, gee, Bernadette. Thanks a lot. Hey, I really had a great ti— WHOA! (he falls off)
Kermit
Hey, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show. Okay?