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Episode 211: Dom DeLuise/transcript

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Cold open


Opening number


Planet Koozebane

Animal's drum solo

Dressing room

Veterinarian's Hospital

UK spot

"Don't Blame the Dynamite"


Animal Protection


"We Got Us"


Dom DeLuise! Dom DeLuise! Eighteen seconds to curtain, Mr. DeLuise.

[Speaking mock Swedish]


It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star Mr. Dom DeLuise!


  1. Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light
  1. Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight
  1. Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right
  1. Lt's time to get things started

Why do we keep doing this?

  1. Lt's time to get things started on the most sensational
  1. Lnspirational, celebrational
  1. Muppetational
  1. This is what we call The Muppet Show #

[trumpet blasts]

OK. Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show. Tonight should be great because our special guest star is one of the really funny men, Mr. Dom DeLuise! But first, we're going to open the show with our own lady of song, Miss Piggy, because if we don't she'll break both my arms. So here she is now, Miss Piggy!

[# Don't Dilly Dally (My Old Man)]

It's a great old song.

All right, everybody, now's your chance. Join in the second chorus, I'm only singing one!

Promises, promises!

Miss Piggy! Bravo! Bravo!

Boy, they really love her, don't they?

Yeah. Must be an easy house.

Oh, no, please. Oh, you're too kind. Kissy, kissy.

Forget it. Kermit's gone.

Oh. Did it work?

Nope. But how about that audience I paid off for you, huh? They did just what I told them to.

What did you tell them?

To go hog wild.

Scooter, I am paying you to give me help, not cheap jokes.

Well, I already ordered the flowers.


Scooter, oh, Scooter, my dear impressionable young lad. You must understand that I am only doing this in order for the frog to notice me more.

Sure, sure, and if you happen to get your own spot on the show, well, that wouldn't hurt.

Your life's hanging on a thread, kid.

Yes, ma'am. I'll go write some more spontaneous sincere fan mail for you.

Mm-hmm. You know the words: Gorgeous, beautiful... modest.

OK, tonight's guest star is Dom DeLuise and we all know how terrific he is. As a performer he is out of this world. As a matter of fact, right now he's on the planet Koozebane. Ladies and gentlemen, Dom DeLuise!

Ah! Can you see me? Here I am. Yes. The one that's waving. That's nice. Yes. It is so gorgeous up here. Pluto... Saturn, I mean, it is gorgeous. Hold it. Hold it. I see some coucrous. Hold on.

Oh, Jane, keep that soup warm for me, sweetheart.

Oh, it's a beauty! This is a beauty.

Oh. Oh! Oh!

I think I found a beauty.

Oh no, it's an immi. Never mind.

Holy Toledo! Something's afoot! Oh! Holy mac... Wait a minute! Hey, that's my hammer! Hey! Ooh, sheesh!

Hey. That's not me.

I got you, you devil you.

I fooled you, didn't I?

Don't! That's a new one.

You... Oh!

Hello, mother ship. Hello?

Ooh. I think I'll go back to the mother ship now.

Ah! I got ya!

Gimme! Come on! Gimme! Wait a minute. Hold it.


My watch! Quarter after six.

[Groaning] That's it.


That's it.

Do you suppose they have any life on other planets?

What do you care? You don't have any life on this one.

Excuse me.


May I use your dressing room to change in?


My room is all filled with flowers. You understand, don't you, my dear Dominique?

Don't "My dear Dominique" me.

Oh, what's wrong?

I mean, I'm the guest star on this show. Nobody seems to notice. The audience is filled with pig fans.

Oh... Oh, what a relief.

Besides, they gave me this tiny dressing room because they said the big dressing room was filled with fan mail.

Would you get the door, Dominique?

Would I get the door? I really do not believe this.

Yes? Are you Miss Piggy?

No, I'm not Miss Piggy!

Are those my roses?

Yes. They were your roses.

Someone sent roses to a P-I-G.

That amuses you?


  1. The days of swine and roses...

Knock it off, chubbo.

Chubbo? Mm-hmm. Look who's talking.

Are you saying that I am a little overweight?

Little? Did I say little? No. I didn't say little.

You're jealous because I got all these flowers and all you have is that little teensy basket of fruit.

Actually, the little, teensy basket of fruit is more suitable to you!

And why is that?

I'll tell you why... [chuckles] Because... it looks more natural.

Excuse me, Miss Piggy, hospital sketch coming up.

Good. Here's your first patient. Hiyaa! Hiyaa! Hiyaa!

Just a minute! Hold it! Hold it! Wait a minute! Are you...? She's out of her mind! I've never seen anybody so crazy!

[Announcer] And now, Veterinarian's Hospital. The continuing story of a quack who has gone to the dogs.

We want Piggy! We want Piggy! We want Piggy! We want Piggy!

Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, Dr. Bob... Dr. Bob? What?

Where did we get this patient from?

Oh, well, she was found with a bunch of cows.

Not bunch, herd.

Heard of what?

Herd of cows.

Sure, I've heard of cows.

No, no, no, I mean, the cow's herd.

I don't care if the cow's heard. I haven't said anything to be ashamed of.

But Dr. Bob, are you going to operate?

No, I think we've milked this joke long enough.

Oh, look. I have a stake in this too, you know.

[Announcer] And so, Dr. Bob has taken the bull by the horns. Tune in next time when you'll hear Miss Piggy say...

This has really been a moooving experience. Oh, thank you, thank you. Bless you. Thank you, thank you...

[# Henrietta's Wedding]

  1. Lf you ain't been dancin' lately
  1. Don't blame your shoes
  1. And if you ain't been happy lately
  1. Don't put it on the blues
  1. Don't blame the dynamite
  1. Lf you can't light the fuse
  1. There's a party all the time for them what choose
  1. The end of my romancing came with football on TV
  1. Really
  1. Her hair is in the closet
  1. Her teeth are on the shelf
  1. L can put the good parts in a bag and go out by myself
  1. Lf you ain't been dancing lately
  1. Don't blame your shoes
  1. Lf you ain't been happy lately
  1. Don't put it on the blues
  1. Don't blame the dynamite if you can't light the fuse
  1. There's a party all the time for them what choose #

Party! All right!

Don't tell me you liked that trash.

No, my hand went to sleep.

Oh, here... here he comes.

The tuba player says, "Never mind about that. Just be natural and borrow a lemon."


Gee, Miss Piggy, what are you going to do?

Well, I just don't know, Scooter. My loyalty is, of course, to Kermit. But this other show has offered me a contract at twice the money.

Well, you are a superstar.

Oh! No, I'm not!

Yes, you are.

Yes, you are!

Well, I shall just have to think about it.

Scooter, that performance by you and Miss Piggy was terrible.

Gee, I didn't think it was that bad. I missed one line but... Oh, no. Scooter, are you gonna tell me what's going on?

No, I promised.

I'll give you a raise.

The flowers are fake, the audience was paid off, I wrote the fan letters and Miss Piggy doesn't have another offer.

Scooter, I like your style.

Ah, hello, hello and welcome. As you know, Shepherd's Institute of Animal Protection has spent the last 25 years protecting helpless, innocent animals just like the ones that you see right here. And now, in the midst of our annual fundraising drive...

It's time for that drive again.

This lovely creature has to be fed occasionally. Otherwise he gets very, very... There you go. Have a nice little snack, boy. All better. By the way, Shepherd's Institute has only reached its halfway mark in this year's fundraising effort. One moment, please.


This sweetheart has to be played with, otherwise he gets very irritable.

You sweetheart you. Good morning.

A little milky, a little milky. Milky! It's good! Good. OK. As you can see, we care for all their needs. If an animal has a need, we fill it.

This sweetheart of a creature loves to be sung to occasionally, otherwise he gets irritable.

Very nice, very nice. All right. The point is, if you send in your donations, you'll be very happy. If you send in your donations, you'll be happy... Here you go.

The point is, that if you do so, these are all tax deductible...

No! Wait! I'm ticklish!

All right, here you go, here you go. That's a beauty. You see the point is, we love them with all our hearts. We do. Just a moment now. Open wide!

Wait a minute! Ooh! Holy mackerel!

Just... [sings]

Oh! There's nothing left to eat. Here. Have this.

Ooh! Ooh!

By the way, all of these creatures are up for adoption. If you have a spare room in your house, give us a break. Ooh! For instance, if you adopt this guy right here, you will never know the meaning of the word garbage. Just a minute. Hold it, hold it.

Oh! Wait a minute! Oh, please! Whoa! My goodness! Please, help! I mean, really, help! Help!

Kermie? Kermie, you wanted to see me?

Yes, Miss Piggy. I couldn't help but overhear that conversation about that offer you got from the other show.

Oh, Kermie, I am so sorry! I didn't want you to hear that. Oh, that terrible boy!

Yeah, well, actually, I'm kinda glad that I did. Because I have come to a decision that I think will make you very happy.


I've decided to let you go. You've what?

You see, Piggy, I don't want to stand in your way.

But... but, Kermie...

Good luck, kid.

Oh. Well, then I suppose this is goodbye.

Oh, yes. Goodbye, Piggy.

Well, I'll just go clean out my dressing room, then.

That would be very nice. Thank you.

You'll... You'll explain to everyone what happened, Kermie?

Oh, sure. What a ham.

Kermie, I can't leave you! I can't leave you. I tried.

Well, does this mean you want your job back?

Oh, good. But incidentally, though... you will have to take... you will have to take a pay cut.


Well, sure, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers and furs, and the mail and stuff, then I think you can...

You knew all the time!

OK, how come is it, do you suppose, that the world doesn't know that Dom DeLuise is a singer as well as a comedian? Well, let us let the world find out. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Dom DeLuise!

Thank you. Thank you. May I stop for one second? I'll tell you the truth. Piggy's backstage, and she's very upset. She's miserable, I'd like to bring her out for just... Piggy, Piggy, come over here now.

Cool it, cool it! He knew.

Piggy, you're upset. Things have not been going very well between you and Kermit, right?

Dom, Dom, Dom. Piggy. Piggy.

A woman sometimes feels so alone.

Alone? But you're not alone. Look at me. You're here, I'm here, us is here.

Us is here?

I mean, we got us.

Don't you understand? Oh, I know.

[# We Got Us]

Look! It's your friends!

[Applause, whistling]

OK, well, that's it for another show. Let's have a big thank you for our guest star, Mr. Dom DeLuise! And thank you all for being with us, especially those of you who weren't paid off by the pig.

Stand back, Dom. This is gonna be fractured frog time.

Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it!

We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

I wouldn't mind the show if they just got rid of one thing.

What's that?


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