Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter Dom DeLuise! Dom DeLuise! Oh! Eighteen seconds to curtain, Mr. DeLuise.
Dom's head is on a platter. The Swedish Chef puts an apple in Dom's mouth.
211 cold open
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish)
Dom (muffled)

Theme

Kermit Hey, it's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Dom Deluise!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler Why do we keep doing this?
211 gonzo trumpet
Gonzo's trumpet blows orange smoke.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit OK. Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, tonight should be great because our special guest star is one of the really funny men, Mr. Dom DeLuise! (applause) But first, we're going to open the show with our own lady of song, Miss Piggy, because if we don't she'll break both my arms. So here she is now, Miss Piggy!
211 dilly dally
The curtain opens on Piggy holding a birdcage.
Miss Piggy

We had to move away,
'Cause the rent we couldn't pay.
The moving van came round just after dark.

Waldorf It's a great old song.
Miss Piggy

There was me and my old man,
Shoving things inside the van,
Which we'd often done before, let me remark.
We packed all that could be packed
In the van, and that's a fact.
And we got inside all we could get inside.

Waldorf (giggles)
Miss Piggy

Then we packed all we could pack
On the tailboard at the back,
Till there wasn't any room for me to ride.

Piggy, Statler & Waldorf

My old man said, "Follow the van,
Don't dilly-dally on the way."
Off went the cart with the home packed in it.
I walked behind with my old cock linnet.
But I dillied and dallied, dallied and dillied;
Lost the van and don't know where to roam.

Miss Piggy

And you can't trust the specials like the old-time coppers
When you can't find your way home.
All right, everybody, now's your chance. Join in the second chorus, I'm only singing one!

Statler Promises, promises!
Statler & Waldorf (chuckling)
All the audience joins in.
All

My old man said, "Follow the van,
Don't dilly-dally on the way."
Off went the cart with the home packed in it.
I walked behind with my old cock linnet.
But I dillied and dallied, dallied and dillied;
Lost the van and don't know where to roam.
You can't trust the specials like the old-time coppers
When you can't find your way…

Miss Piggy Who's going my way?
All Can't find your way home!
The audience cheers wildly.
Audience (Miss Piggy! Bravo! Bravo!)

Backstage

211 kermit scooter
Scooter Boy, they really love her, don't they?
Kermit Yeah. Must be an easy house. (walks away)
Miss Piggy Oh, no, please. Oh, you're too kind. Kissy, kissy.
Scooter Forget it. Kermit's gone.
Miss Piggy Oh. Did it work?
Scooter Nope. But how about that audience I paid off for you, huh? They did just what I told them to.
Miss Piggy What did you tell them?
Scooter To go hog wild.
Miss Piggy Scooter. I am paying you to give me help, not cheap jokes.
The feathers in her hat get in his face. He coughs.
Scooter Well, I already ordered the flowers.
Miss Piggy Wonderful. Scooter, oh, Scooter, my dear impressionable young lad. You must understand that I am only doing this in order for the frog to notice me more. (sigh)
Scooter Sure, sure, and if you happen to get your own spot on the show, well, that wouldn't hurt.
211 piggy scooter
Miss Piggy Your life's hanging on a thread, kid.
Scooter Yes, ma'am. I'll go write some more spontaneous sincere fan mail for you. (exits)
Miss Piggy Mm-hmm. You know the words: Gorgeous, beautiful... modest.

Planet Koozebane

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit OK, tonight's guest star is Dom DeLuise, and we all know how terrific he is. As a performer he is out of this world. As a matter of fact, right now he is on the planet Koozebane. Ladies and gentlemen, Dom DeLuise!
Merdlidop
Open on the planet Koozebane. Pan across craters. As a space rhythm plays, Merdlidops pop out of craters and toot steam out their tops. One of them sees astronaut Dom, who talks into a walkie-talkie.
Dom 53977221. To the mothership, it's me. Ah! Can you see me? (waves) Here I am. Yes. The one that's waving. That's nice. Yes. It is so gorgeous up here. Pluto... Saturn, I mean, it is gorgeous. Hold it. Hold it. I see some Kooze-quartz. Hold on. Oh, Jane, keep that soup warm for me, sweetheart.
He takes a hammer and chips a rock from the surface.
Dom Oh, it's a beauty! This is a beauty. Oh. Oh! Oh! I think I found a beauty … oh no no no, it's an immi. ("imitation" —ed.) Never mind.
He tosses the rock into a crater, which suddenly toots steam, startling him. He kneels down to investigate.
Dom Holy Toledo! Something's afoot! Oh! Holy mac...
A Merdlidop grabs his hammer and plays a reverse Whack-a-mole game with him.
Dom Wait a minute! Hey, that's my hammer! Hey! Ooh, sheesh!
Domdeluise-koozebane
The Merdlidop grabs the walkie-talkie and starts communicating with the others, who also have walkie-talkies.
Merdlidops Merdlidop. Merdlidop. Merdlidop. Merdlidop. Merdlidop.
Dom (to mission control) Hey. That's not me. (waves)
Dom kneels down, taps one of them on the shoulder, and grabs the walkie-talkie out of its hand and sets it down.
Dom (laughing) I got you, you devil you. I fooled you, didn't I?
Another Merdlidop smashes the walkie-talkie with a hammer.
Dom Don't! That's a new one. You... Oh! (tries to talk into it) Hello, mother ship. Hello? Ooh. (feigns announcement) I think I'll go back to the mother ship now.
Dom sneaks away until he detects the Merdlidops popping up and tooting steam. Dom finally catches one and wrestles with it…
Dom Ah! I got ya! Gimme! Come on! Gimme! Wait a minute. Hold it. Ooh!
The Merdlidop pulls Dom's arm down into the crater and pulls it out of another crater.
Dom My — OOH! My watch!
Merdlidop Quarter after six.
211 merdlidop
Dom pulls his arm out, and finds it limp. All the Merdlidops peer out of their craters and giggle. They duck when he tries to catch them. Finally, he falls down the crater, and becomes one of them.
211 merd
Dom Merdlidop!
Merdlidops (laughing)
Applause.
Statler Do you suppose they have any life on other planets?
Waldorf What do you care? You don't have any life on this one. (chuckles)

Animal's drum solo

211 drum solo
Animal performs a drum solo. A few seconds after Animal is through, a final note is heard that confuses him.

Dressing room

Piggy peers in.
Miss Piggy Excuse me.
Dom Yeah?
Miss Piggy May I use your dressing room to change in?
Dom What?
Miss Piggy Well, you see, my room is all filled with flowers. You understand, don't you, my dear Dominique?
211 dom piggy
Dom Don't "My dear Dominique" me.
Miss Piggy Oh, what's wrong?
Dom I mean, I'm the guest star on this show. Nobody seems to notice. The audience is filled with pig fans.
Piggy goes behind the dressing board, groans, and tosses a girdle.
Miss Piggy Oh, what a relief.
Dom Besides … (wipes hands) … they gave me this tiny little dressing room because they said the big dressing room was filled with fan mail.
There's a knock on the door.
Miss Piggy Would you get the door, Dominique?
Dom Would I get the door? I mean, I really do not believe this. (he answers it) Yes?
A Whatnot appears at the door with flowers.
Whatnot Are you Miss Piggy?
Dom (throws a fit, plus the roses) NO, I'M NOT MISS PIGGY!!
He slams the door in disgust.
Miss Piggy Are those my roses?
Dom Yes. They were your roses. (fakes a laugh) Someone sent roses to a P-I-G.
Miss Piggy That amuses you?
Dom Ha ha ha! Yes. (sings) The days of swine and roses… (laughs)
Miss Piggy Knock it off, chubbo.
She emerges dressed for Vet's Hospital.
Dom Chubbo?
Miss Piggy Mm-hmm.
Dom Look who's talking.
Miss Piggy Are you saying that I am a little overweight?
Dom Little? Did I say little? No. I didn't say little.
Miss Piggy (growls) You're jealous because I got all these flowers, and all you have is that little teensy basket of fruit.
Dom Actually, the little, teensy basket of fruit is more suitable to you!
Miss Piggy Ha! And why is that?
Dom I'll tell you why... (chuckles) Because... (he shoves an apple in her mouth) … it looks more natural.
211 piggy apple
Miss Piggy (muffled)
Dom Pardon?
Scooter Excuse me, Miss Piggy, hospital sketch coming up.
Miss Piggy Good. Here's your first patient. Hi-YAH! Hi-YAH! Hi-YAH!
She karate-chops Dom three times, barks at him, and exits, leaving him shaken.
Dom Just a minute! Hold it! Hold it! Wait a minute! Are you...? She's out of her mind! I've never seen anybody so crazy!
He eats a banana.

Veterinarian's Hospital

The theme music plays. A cow lies on the operating table.
Announcer And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Audience We want Piggy! We want Piggy! We want Piggy! We want Piggy!
211 vets hospital
They cheer when she emerges.
Miss Piggy Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, Dr. Bob... Dr. Bob?
Rowlf What?
Miss Piggy Where did we get this patient from?
Rowlf Oh, well, she was found with a bunch of cows.
Miss Piggy Not bunch, herd.
Rowlf Heard of what?
Miss Piggy Herd of cows.
Rowlf Sure, I've heard of cows.
They all laugh, including the cow.
Miss Piggy No, no, no, I mean, the cow's herd.
Rowlf I don't care if the cow's heard. I haven't said anything to be ashamed of.
They all laugh, including the cow.
Janice But Dr. Bob, are you going to operate?
Rowlf No, I think we've milked this joke long enough.
They all laugh, including the cow.
Cow Oh, look. I have a steak in this too, you know.
They all laugh, including the cow. They look up when they hear the announcer.
Announcer And so, Dr. Bob has taken the bull by the horns. Tune in next time when you'll hear Miss Piggy say...
Miss Piggy This has really been a moooving experience.
The audience applauds and throws flowers on the stage.
Miss Piggy Oh, thank you, thank you. Mwah! Mwah! Bless you. Kiss kiss kiss! Oh, thank you, thank you…

UK spot

211 slim and lou
Slim Wilson and Lou sing "Henrietta's Wedding".

"Don't Blame the Dynamite"

Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem play a funky tune.
Dontblamethedynamite
Dr. Teeth

If you ain't been dancin' lately,
Don't blame your shoes.
And if you ain't been happy lately,
Don't put it on the blues.
Don't blame the dynamite,
If you can't light the fuse.
There's a party all the time for them what choose.

Janice

The end of my romancing came with football on TV, rully.
Like, he ain't took me anywhere since 1963!

Floyd

Her hair is in the closet.
Her teeth are on the shelf.
I can put the good parts in a bag and go out by myself! Mm!

Solo.
Dr. Teeth

If you ain't been dancin' lately,
Don't blame your shoes.
And if you ain't been happy lately,
Don't put it on the blues.
Don't blame the dynamite,
If you can't light the fuse.
There's a party all the time for them what choose!

Mayhem Party! All right!
Applause. Waldorf taps his head on the banister.
Statler Don't tell me you liked that trash.
Waldorf No, my hand went to sleep. (taps it some more)
Statler Oh. (nods)

Backstage

Piggy and Scooter watch from upstairs as the Mayhem passes by Kermit.
Miss Piggy Oh, here... here he comes.
Floyd … and the tuba player says, "Never mind about that. Just be natural and bar a lemon!"
They laugh.
Miss Piggy OK, OK, OK.
211 piggy scooter 2
Scooter (acting) Gee, Miss Piggy, what are you going to do?
Miss Piggy Well, I just don't know, Scooter. My loyalty is, of course, to Kermit. But this other show has offered me a contract at twice the money.
Kermit looks up at them.
Scooter Well, you are a superstar.
Miss Piggy Oh! No, I'm not!
Scooter Uh …
Miss Piggy (through teeth) "Yes, you are."
Scooter Oh yes! Ahem… Yes, you are!
Miss Piggy Well, I shall just have to … think about it.
She shuts herself in her dressing room.
Kermit Uh, Scooter, that performance by you and Miss Piggy was terrible.
Scooter well — gee, I didn't think it was that bad. I missed one line but... Oh, no.
Kermit Scooter, are you gonna tell me what's going on?
Scooter No, I promised.
Kermit Uh, I'll give you a raise.
Scooter The flowers are fake, the audience was paid off, I wrote the fan letters and Miss Piggy doesn't have another offer.
211 kermit scooter 2
Kermit Scooter, I like your style. (pats him on the back)

Animal Protection

Open on Dom in a lab. Behind him is a cage with a brown monster (Mean Mama) in it. Dom addresses the viewer.
Dom Ah, hello, hello and welcome. As you know, Shepherd's Institute of Animal Protection has spent the last 25 years protecting helpless, innocent animals just like the ones that you see right here. And now, in the midst of our annual fundraising drive... It's time for that drive again.
He gets up and walks to the cage. Doglion roams around, chained to the wall.
Dom This lovely creature has to be fed occasionally. Otherwise he gets very, very...
He starts feeding fruit.
Dom There you go. Have a nice little snack, boy. All better. By the way, Shepherd's Institute has only reached its halfway mark in this year's fundraising effort. One moment, please.
He goes over to a carriage, with a "baby" monster (Luncheon Counter Monster) in it.
Baby Monster Mama!
Domdeluise-monster
Dom This sweetheart right here has to be played with occasionally, otherwise he gets very irritable.
He babbles, and tugs on baby's bonnet.
Dom You sweetheart you. Good morning. A little milky, a little milky. Milky! It's good!
Baby consumes the entire bottle.
Dom Good. OK. As you can see, we care for all their needs. If an animal has a need, we fill it.
Doglion roars out loud.
Dom This sweetheart of a creature loves to be sung to occasionally, otherwise he gets irritable.
He grabs a ukulele and sings a few bars of "Ain't She Sweet".
Dom Very nice, very nice. All right. The point is, if you send in your donations, you'll be very happy.
Mean Mama grows restless. Dom quickly chucks the rest of the fruit into the cage. The baby monster grows restless as well.
Dom If you send in your donations, you'll be happy... Here you go.
He rushes over, babbles, then returns to Doglion and sings again.
Dom The point is, that if you do so, these are all tax deductible...
He scoops some monster food out of a bag and feeds it to Mean Mama while Doglion manhandles him.
Doglion Ain't she sweet!
Dom No! Wait! I'm ticklish! Ain't she sweet— All right, here you go, here you go. That's a beauty. You see the point is, we love them with all our hearts. We do. Just a moment now. Open wide!
He tosses a shovelful of monster food to Mean Mama, then babbles to the baby, then notices that Doglion is smashing the ukulele.
Dom Wait a minute! Ooh! Holy mackerel! Just... (tries to play) Ain't she sweet — Oh! There's nothing left to eat. Here. Have this.
He feeds the violin to Mean Mama, and gets pricked by a tooth. All the monsters grow restless and start trashing the lab as he addresses the viewer.
Dom By the way, all of these creatures are up for adoption. If you have a spare room in your house, give us a break. Ooh! For instance, if you adopt this guy right here, you will never know the meaning of the word garbage. Think about it. Just a minute. Hold it, hold it.
Mean Mama grabs his coat, pulling him closer, then breaks the cage and runs loose.
Dom Ain't she sweet, see her walking down the — Oh! Wait a minute! Oh, please! Whoa! My goodness! Please, help! I mean, really, help! Help!
Deluise02
The monsters attack him. Applause.

Backstage

Piggy approaches Kermit as he reads a book.
Miss Piggy Kermie? Kermie, uh, you wanted to see me?
Kermit Oh, uh, yes, Miss Piggy. You know, I couldn't help but overhear that conversation between you and Scooter about that offer you got from the other show.
Miss Piggy Oh, Kermie, I am so sorry! I didn't want you to hear that. Oh, that terrible boy!
Kermit Yeah, well, actually, I'm kinda glad that I did. Because I have come to a decision that I think will make you very happy.
Miss Piggy (preens her hair) Oh?
Kermit I've decided to let you go.
Miss Piggy (outraged) You've WHAT??
Kermit You see, Piggy, I don't want to stand in your way.
Miss Piggy But... but, Kermie...
Kermit Good luck, kid.
He goes back to reading.
211 kermit piggy
Miss Piggy Oh. Well, then I … suppose this is goodbye.
Kermit Oh, yes. Goodbye, Piggy.
Miss Piggy Well uh … I'll just go clean out my dressing room, then.
Kermit Oh, that would be very nice. Thank you.
It dawns on her that he's serious.
Miss Piggy You'll... You'll explain to everyone what happened, Kermie?
Kermit Oh, sure. (to viewer) What a ham.
She breaks down and rushes to him, in tears.
Miss Piggy Kermie!! I can't leave you!! I can't leave you. I tried. (weeps)
Kermit Well, uh, does this mean you want your job back?
Miss Piggy Yes…
Kermit Oh, good. Uh, uh, incidentally, though... you will have to take... you will have to take a pay cut.
Miss Piggy What?
Kermit Well, sure, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers and the furs, and the mail and stuff, then I think you can... (runs away)
Miss Piggy You knew all the time! (lets out a scream)

"We Got Us"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit OK, how come is it, do you suppose, that the world doesn't know that Dom DeLuise is a singer as well as a comedian? Well, let us let the world find out. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Dom DeLuise!
The curtain opens.
Dom Thank you. Thank you. But may I stop for one second? I'll tell you the truth. Piggy's backstage, and she's very upset. In fact she's miserable, I'd like to bring her out for just... Piggy, Piggy, come over here now.
She enters. The audience applauds.
Miss Piggy Cool it, cool it! He knew.
Dom Piggy, you're upset. Things have not been going very well between you and Kermit today, right?
Miss Piggy Dom, Dom, Dom.
Dom Piggy. Piggy, Piggy.
Miss Piggy Because a woman sometimes feels so alone.
Deluisepiggy
Dom Alone? Piggy, you're not alone. Look at me a minute. You're here! I'm here! Us is here.
Miss Piggy Us is here?
Dom I mean, we got us.
Cue the music.
Dom Don't you understand? Oh, I know.

Life is a funny thing!
Sometimes you laugh and sing.
Sometimes you grumble and cuss. Right?

The tempo picks up.
Dom

But either way, what do we care?
We got us!
We have our ups and downs,
Our share of smiles and frowns,
But through it all we don't fuss — why?
We got a special thing goin', Piggy! Ha ha!
We got us!

Miss Piggy

Some people like to go through their life single — aww.
That wouldn't suit us at all.

Dom That's right!

Why sing a melody as a soliloquy,
When it's more fun to be —

Dom & Muppets harmonizing?
They are joined by Scooter, Fozzie, Gonzo, Floyd, Janice and the Whatnot.
Dom Look! It's your friends! Ha ha!
211 we got us
All

People may say we are, crazy the way we are —
That we won't even discuss!
'Cause what we got they can't smother!
We'd trade our life for no other!
They've only got one another,
But we … got … u-u-u-u-us!

Applause. Dom gives Piggy a kiss.

Goodnights

Kermit OK, well, that's it for another show. Let's have a big thank you for our guest star, Mr. Dom DeLuise!
Applause. He comes out.
Kermit Oh yes, and thank you all for being with us, especially those of you who weren't paid off by the pig.
Dom Oh! Hold it —
211 closing
Miss Piggy Stand back, Dom. This is gonna be fractured frog time.
Dom (holds her back) Don't! You'll regret it! Don't do it!
Kermit We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The credits roll as the scene ends in chaos.
Statler I wouldn't mind the show if they just got rid of one thing.
Waldorf What's that?
Statler Me.
They chuckle.
ATV
THE END

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