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Episode 210: George Burns/transcript

< Episode 210: George Burns

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[Knocking]

George Burns. George Burns. Twenty seconds to curtain, Mr. Burns.

- I'm ready. - [Violin plays]

But... but what is that?

It's my new act. Gonzo fiddles while George burns.

I like that joke. It's a pleasure to hear something that's older than I am.

[Drumroll]

It's The Muppet Show with our special guest star, Mr. George Burns.

[Screams]

[Applause, whistling]

# Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light
  1. Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight
  1. Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right
  1. Lt's time to get things started

Isn't this opening pretentious?

  1. Lt's time to get things started
  1. On the most sensational, inspirational
  1. Celebrational, Muppetational
  1. This is what we call The Muppet Show! #

- [explosion] - [High-pitched squeaking]

OK, thank you, thank you and welcome again to another Muppet Show.

We've got a great show tonight because our guest star is Mr. George Burns.

- [Laughing] That's very funny. - What's funny?

Gonzo fiddles while George burns. [laughs]

Have you ever thought of checking in to the Home for the Chronically Strange?

But right now, let's start things off by going south of the border.

[# Cuanto Le Gusta]

[Trumpet wails]

Everybody!

[Screams]

Well, there it is. Your basic Latin number.

Well, actually, it's your basic pig Latin number.

[Both laughing]

What's going on? Who are you?

The name's Fleet Scribbler. I'm a gossip columnist for The Daily Scandal.

I'm sorry but we don't allow reporters backstage during the show.

What a headline! "Muppets Ban Press, Reporter Thrown Out by Frog."

Wait, on the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?

What a headline! "Frog Bribes Reporter, Muppets Desperate for Publicity."

This isn't going to be easy.

Say, is it true you're dropping a lot of stuff from the show this year?

No, no, not particularly.

Aha. "Muppets Relying on Same Old Tired Junk."

Wait, wait, on the other hand, we have a lot of brand-new, innovative stuff.

Muppets Changing Format, Desperate to Sustain Show.

I never knew the press could be so depressing.

Hey, Kermit, aren't you supposed to be introducing George Burns?

Oh, yeah. Excuse me.

- What a headline that would make. - What?

Gonzo Fiddles While George Burns.

That joke is definitely making a comeback.

It's a very special night on The Muppet Show because

with us is one of the men of comedy who can really be called special.

Here he is with a cigar and a song, Mr. George Burns.

[Playing piano]

Thank you, thank you, thank you very much, and I'm delighted to be here.

I'm really glad you could make it, George.

It's a real honor for me to be playing piano for you.

Thank you, Rowlf. I haven't worked with a dog for years.

- You've actually worked with a dog? - Oh, sure, back in vaudeville.

In those days dog acts were very popular.

So I picked up a dog off the street and went to the theater to do my act.

I walked out on stage with the dog under my arm, stood there and sang my songs.

In the middle of my third song, the dog did his act.

Twice.

He bit me, the dog bit me right in the middle of my top note.

And to make matters worse, the theater manager came back,

canceled me and hired the dog.

I hope you won't hold that against us dogs.

Oh, no, no, no, no, I love dogs, especially if they can play in my key.

Oh, listen, I can play in any key. I'm another Jascha Heifetz.

Jascha Heifetz played the violin.

Nobody will know the difference, George.

OK, Rowlf, in my key, Train Back Home.

[# Train Back Home]

[Plays piano furiously]

Hold it, hold it, hold it, Rowlf. You're liable to hurt yourself.

Play like you're not getting paid. Nice and easy.

nice and easy It is. - right from the top.

Right.

Isn't that a nice song?

Hey, that George Burns is a great singer.

Yeah, well, so am I, Statler.

What? - Sure, you Wanna hear me sing?
only if you sing tenor. - Tenor?

Ten or 11 miles away. [laughing]

How should I know what "cuanto le gusta" means?

Hiya, chickie baby.

Watch it, buster.

I'm Fleet Scribbler, from The Daily Scandal. I'm a reporter.

And what can your chickie baby do for you?

Well, I wanted to talk to you.

You want to interview me? Ah!

Well, not exactly. - Oh, what do you want?

Dirt. - What?

You know, scandal, the hot skinny. What really goes on behind the scenes.

I couldn't do that.

There is such a thing as loyalty to one's fellow performers.

Too bad.

I also wanted to do a picture spread of you. Something for Page Three.

Well, first of all...

...just the other day...

Hey, wait a second. Hey, Scribbler. Those are all lies.

[# Chattanooga Choo Choo]

[Train chugging]

- Hey, hey, hey - Whoa, hey, hey

[train whistles]

Excuse me, Mr. Burns.

I wanted to warn you about this reporter that's backstage.

He writes a gossip column.

As long as he doesn't write the obituary column, I'm not worried.

But he writes for The Daily Scandal and he'll do anything for sensationalism.

Pay no attention to him, Burns. He's only a frog.

Thanks.

Look, I'll get right to the point, Burns.

How much are they paying you on this show?

Hey, Now, Now, Wait A second. - Let me handle this, Kermit.

Ah, Come on, is That A lie? - one Of my best.

For years you were a vaudeville actor and now you've made two films.

Is it difficult to be an actor.

No, I think it's very easy to be an actor.

If you're doing a scene where a man tells you to sit down,

if you sit down, that's good acting.

If he tells you to sit down and you keep standing up, that's bad acting.

I always sit down, I'm a good actor.

I've been around so long that if I can sit down and get paid for doing it,

I'm in the right business.

That's the end of the interview. Goodbye, kid.

you really took care Of him. - thanks, Kermit.

How many cigars do you smoke a day? - About 20 a day.

At my age, I got to hold on to something.

[Man] And now, Veterinarian's Hospital,

the continuing story of a quack who has gone to the dogs.

Dr. Bob, are you ready for your next patient?

Next patient? What happened to the last one?

He left For A better doctor. - Which doctor?

That's right. Witch doctor!

Witch doctor!

Here It is, Dr. Bob. - Hmm?

- It's a telephone. What's wrong? - It isn't working.

Isn't working? Well, tell it to get a job so it can pay me.

[All laughing]

- Maybe it's a pay phone. - A pay phone!

- [All laughing] - Wow!

Dr. Bob, do you know anything about repairing telephones?

I Can look It up in the book. - the medical book?

No, the telephone book.

[All laughing]

what do you think, Dr. Bob? - It must be jaundice.

How do you know? - look at all these yellow pages.

[All laughing]

Dr. Bob, do you think the telephone needs an anesthetic.

Well, if so, make It A local. - Why?

Because long distance costs too much.

[All laughing]

Wait a minute. Nurse Piggy, don't you have the next line?

- Yes, but I can't say it. - How come?

The line's busy.

[All laughing]

Dr. Bob? - Hm?

Dr. Bob, wow, are you ever going to operate?

- No, but I know who will. - Who?

The telephone operator.

[All laughing]

[Man] And so, once again, Dr. Bob is off the hook.

You talking to me?

[Man] Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say:

Does the phone remind you of anything?

Well, it does ring a bell.

[All laughing]

[# Knocked 'Em in the Old Kent Road]

[Fozzie] Watch the hands!

Watch the feet! Watch your wallet! Here we go.

Everybody!

[Honks]

Excuse me, Mr. Burns, remember me? I'm Gonzo.

Oh, one of the Marx Brothers, Groucho, Chico, Harpo and Gonzo.

No, no, no, no, I'm the Great Gonzo. I'm in show business too.

Well, how did you get a name like Gonzo?

- My mother gave it to me. - Your mother.

Yeah. She died two years before I was born.

If she died two years before you were born, how could she give you that name?

She left A note to my father. - A note to Your father, I thought so.

Coming from you that sounds believable.

Look, I hope you don't mind me coming in here like this,

but I know you love show business,

and those stories about the early days are really interesting.

some Of them are pretty dull. - How Can you say that?

I haven't even told you any of my stories yet.

Oh, yours? I thought you meant... - I remember my First act.

I worked with a kangaroo who could tell time.

A kangaroo who could tell time?

Yeah. It was a trick. He kept a pocket watch in his pouch.

If you've got a pouch, that's the place to keep it.

Yeah, but he was always wrong. He kept his watch on Australia time.

Makes sense.

Not really. He's never been to Australia.

Well, that makes sense too. Where did he come from?

Sydney.

I thought you said he'd never been to Australia.

Sydney's his agent.

Has He got an office in Pittsburgh. - Yeah.

Used to handle me. You know something, Gonzo?

You sound a lot like somebody I used to work with.

- Really? That's a compliment. - Mm-hm.

You know... you know who that is?

Sure, Walter Matthau.

Yeah, that's her.

I must be getting old. I think I enjoyed talking to him.

[Soft music plays]

Kermie, Kermie, won't you dance with me? Kermie!

[# L Won't Dance]

Oh, yeah?

- Bravo, Bravo! - Why are you yelling bravo?

Did you like it that much?

No. A friend of mine, Joe Bravo. He's sitting in the third row.

- Bravo, Bravo, up here! - Up here!

[Bleeping]

[Computer voice] This is a recorded analytic program readout.

[Beeping]

We will start with the upper right of the module.

You will note the longitudinally polarized antenna.

This component is indestructible and is guaranteed for the life of the unit.

[Ringing]

There is an alarm system which is activated if the machine is damaged.

Adjacent to the alarm is the digital iambic generator.

- [Beeping] - [Growls]

This unit is pressurized with large amounts of methane gas.

[Burps]

On the top of the inter-cellular power generator

you will see a spherical voltage oblongata.

[Growls]

[Cash register rings]

By way of contrast, the Doppler sublimated magneto

located on the front of the generator

can be purchased in any hardware store for about 30 cents

[Buzzing]

The intercellular power structure and generator itself

is filled with a series of Manxome coils attenuated dicotyledonously.

[Growls]

Ln this same circuit there is an intaglio of numismatic

krypton wavelengths which abrogates the hydromatic mome raths

at the rate of five ventrical icons per micro cantabile.

- The electromagnetic console... - [growls]

Ln conclusion, nothing can keep this machine from performing its function

which is to be the most powerful exploding device known to man.

- [Ticking] - [Grunts]

[Explosion]

Disgusting. Ever see eating like that?

sure. - Where?

- Thanksgiving dinner with my in-laws. - [Chuckles]

Hey, Kermit, do you know about the reporter who's snooping around here?

Yeah, Fleet Scribbler.

He asked me to tell him all about the scandals and behind-the-scenes dirt.

Oh, I know, it's just awful.

- It was. I didn't know where to begin. - What?

Well, I mean, I could have talked for hours.

I don't want to hear about it.

Now he's talking to the Swedish Chef.

Well, he can't get any information from him.

[Mock Swedish]

[Mock Swedish]

[Laughing]

On the other hand... [gulps]

Ladies and gentlemen, once again, the one and only Mr. George Burns.

[Piano plays]

What do you say, George, would you do one more song for us?

You don't think I came over here just to do one song.

Mr. Burns, oh, I've been a fan of yours for years.

Would you sing a song just for moi?

I could never say no to a lady.

Well, you don't have to worry then. It's only Miss Piggy. [laughs]

Cool it, flea bait.

Now, where were we?

I was about to say yes to a lady.

Thank you, Mr. Burns.

Let's get the group out because this song needs all the help I can get.

- Out here, everybody. - [Piano playing]

Now, Rowlf, in my key. - all right.
I want you all to follow me. - yes, sir.

[# All Depends on You]

That's nice.

Hold that note. I'll find another song.

Oh, I got it.

[# You Made Me Love You]

That's nice. Let's... let's... let's do that again.

[Full band joins in]

[Gulps]

It's been another busy show and here we are now at the place where it stops.

And so let's give a warm thank you

to our special guest star, Mr. George Burns!

[Screams]

Hey, Mr. Burns, is it true that you and Miss Piggy were seen at a discotheque?

- [Coughing] - Good night, Fleet.

OK, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

How do they do it? - How do we watch it?

- Why do we watch it? - Why do you watch it?

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