00:00:09 George Burns. George Burns. Twenty seconds to curtain, Mr. Burns.
00:00:13 - I'm ready. - [Violin plays]
00:00:16 But... but what is that?
00:00:17 It's my new act. Gonzo fiddles while George burns.
00:00:23 I like that joke. It's a pleasure to hear something that's older than I am.
00:00:30 It's The Muppet Show with our special guest star, Mr. George Burns.
00:00:36 [Applause, whistling]
00:00:49 # Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light
00:00:53 # Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight
00:00:57 # Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right
00:01:01 # Lt's time to get things started
00:01:03 Isn't this opening pretentious?
00:01:06 # Lt's time to get things started
00:01:08 # On the most sensational, inspirational
00:01:10 # Celebrational, Muppetational
00:01:12 # This is what we call The Muppet Show! #
00:01:18 - [explosion] - [High-pitched squeaking]
00:01:24 OK, thank you, thank you and welcome again to another Muppet Show.
00:01:28 We've got a great show tonight because our guest star is Mr. George Burns.
00:01:33 - [Laughing] That's very funny. - What's funny?
00:01:36 Gonzo fiddles while George burns. [laughs]
00:01:39 Have you ever thought of checking in to the Home for the Chronically Strange?
00:01:45 But right now, let's start things off by going south of the border.
00:01:50 [# Cuanto Le Gusta]
00:02:54 [Trumpet wails]
00:03:38 Well, there it is. Your basic Latin number.
00:03:41 Well, actually, it's your basic pig Latin number.
00:03:44 [Both laughing]
00:03:47 What's going on? Who are you?
00:03:49 The name's Fleet Scribbler. I'm a gossip columnist for The Daily Scandal.
00:03:53 I'm sorry but we don't allow reporters backstage during the show.
00:03:57 What a headline! "Muppets Ban Press, Reporter Thrown Out by Frog."
00:04:01 Wait, on the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
00:04:04 What a headline! "Frog Bribes Reporter, Muppets Desperate for Publicity."
00:04:09 This isn't going to be easy.
00:04:11 Say, is it true you're dropping a lot of stuff from the show this year?
00:04:15 No, no, not particularly.
00:04:17 Aha. "Muppets Relying on Same Old Tired Junk."
00:04:21 Wait, wait, on the other hand, we have a lot of brand-new, innovative stuff.
00:04:25 "Muppets Changing Format, Desperate to Sustain Show."
00:04:29 I never knew the press could be so depressing.
00:04:32 Hey, Kermit, aren't you supposed to be introducing George Burns?
00:04:36 Oh, yeah. Excuse me.
00:04:39 - What a headline that would make. - What?
00:04:41 "Gonzo Fiddles While George Burns."
00:04:46 That joke is definitely making a comeback.
00:04:51 It's a very special night on The Muppet Show because
00:04:54 with us is one of the men of comedy who can really be called special.
00:04:57 Here he is with a cigar and a song, Mr. George Burns.
00:05:01 [Playing piano]
00:05:08 Thank you, thank you, thank you very much, and I'm delighted to be here.
00:05:12 I'm really glad you could make it, George.
00:05:15 It's a real honor for me to be playing piano for you.
00:05:17 Thank you, Rowlf. I haven't worked with a dog for years.
00:05:20 - You've actually worked with a dog? - Oh, sure, back in vaudeville.
00:05:24 In those days dog acts were very popular.
00:05:26 So I picked up a dog off the street and went to the theater to do my act.
00:05:30 I walked out on stage with the dog under my arm, stood there and sang my songs.
00:05:35 In the middle of my third song, the dog did his act.
00:05:42 He bit me, the dog bit me right in the middle of my top note.
00:05:47 And to make matters worse, the theater manager came back,
00:05:50 canceled me and hired the dog.
00:05:53 I hope you won't hold that against us dogs.
00:05:55 Oh, no, no, no, no, I love dogs, especially if they can play in my key.
00:05:59 Oh, listen, I can play in any key. I'm another Jascha Heifetz.
00:06:04 Jascha Heifetz played the violin.
00:06:06 Nobody will know the difference, George.
00:06:09 OK, Rowlf, in my key, Train Back Home.
00:06:14 [# Train Back Home]
00:06:16 [Plays piano furiously]
00:06:19 Hold it, hold it, hold it, Rowlf. You're liable to hurt yourself.
00:06:23 Play like you're not getting paid. Nice and easy.
00:06:26 - Nice and easy it is. - Right from the top.
00:07:22 Isn't that a nice song?
00:07:30 Hey, that George Burns is a great singer.
00:07:33 Yeah, well, so am I, Statler.
00:07:35 - What? - Sure, you wanna hear me sing?
00:07:38 - Only if you sing tenor. - Tenor?
00:07:40 Ten or 11 miles away. [laughing]
00:07:43 How should I know what "cuanto le gusta" means?
00:07:47 Hiya, chickie baby.
00:07:49 Watch it, buster.
00:07:52 I'm Fleet Scribbler, from The Daily Scandal. I'm a reporter.
00:07:57 And what can your chickie baby do for you?
00:08:00 Well, I wanted to talk to you.
00:08:03 You want to interview me? Ah!
00:08:06 - Well, not exactly. - Oh, what do you want?
00:08:10 - Dirt. - What?
00:08:12 You know, scandal, the hot skinny. What really goes on behind the scenes.
00:08:16 I couldn't do that.
00:08:18 There is such a thing as loyalty to one's fellow performers.
00:08:22 Too bad.
00:08:23 I also wanted to do a picture spread of you. Something for Page Three.
00:08:29 Well, first of all...
00:08:33 ...just the other day...
00:08:36 Hey, wait a second. Hey, Scribbler. Those are all lies.
00:08:42 [# Chattanooga Choo Choo]
00:09:32 [Train chugging]
00:09:39 - Hey, hey, hey - Whoa, hey, hey
00:09:42 [train whistles]
00:09:46 Excuse me, Mr. Burns.
00:09:47 I wanted to warn you about this reporter that's backstage.
00:09:50 He writes a gossip column.
00:09:51 As long as he doesn't write the obituary column, I'm not worried.
00:09:56 But he writes for The Daily Scandal and he'll do anything for sensationalism.
00:10:01 Pay no attention to him, Burns. He's only a frog.
00:10:06 Look, I'll get right to the point, Burns.
00:10:09 How much are they paying you on this show?
00:10:11 - Hey, now, now, wait a second. - Let me handle this, Kermit.
00:10:17 - Ah, come on, is that a lie? - One of my best.
00:10:22 For years you were a vaudeville actor and now you've made two films.
00:10:26 Is it difficult to be an actor.
00:10:28 No, I think it's very easy to be an actor.
00:10:30 If you're doing a scene where a man tells you to sit down,
00:10:34 if you sit down, that's good acting.
00:10:36 If he tells you to sit down and you keep standing up, that's bad acting.
00:10:41 I always sit down, I'm a good actor.
00:10:43 I've been around so long that if I can sit down and get paid for doing it,
00:10:47 I'm in the right business.
00:10:50 That's the end of the interview. Goodbye, kid.
00:10:54 - You really took care of him. - Thanks, Kermit.
00:10:57 - How many cigars do you smoke a day? - About 20 a day.
00:11:01 At my age, I got to hold on to something.
00:11:06 [Man] And now, Veterinarian's Hospital,
00:11:09 the continuing story of a quack who has gone to the dogs.
00:11:17 Dr. Bob, are you ready for your next patient?
00:11:20 Next patient? What happened to the last one?
00:11:22 - He left for a better doctor. - Which doctor?
00:11:25 That's right. Witch doctor!
00:11:27 Witch doctor!
00:11:28 - Here it is, Dr. Bob. - Hmm?
00:11:31 - It's a telephone. What's wrong? - It isn't working.
00:11:35 Isn't working? Well, tell it to get a job so it can pay me.
00:11:38 [All laughing]
00:11:39 - Maybe it's a pay phone. - A pay phone!
00:11:42 - [All laughing] - Wow!
00:11:44 Dr. Bob, do you know anything about repairing telephones?
00:11:47 - I can look it up in the book. - The medical book?
00:11:49 No, the telephone book.
00:11:51 [All laughing]
00:11:53 - What do you think, Dr. Bob? - It must be jaundice.
00:11:56 - How do you know? - Look at all these yellow pages.
00:11:58 [All laughing]
00:12:02 Dr. Bob, do you think the telephone needs an anesthetic.
00:12:06 - Well, if so, make it a local. - Why?
00:12:09 Because long distance costs too much.
00:12:11 [All laughing]
00:12:14 Wait a minute. Nurse Piggy, don't you have the next line?
00:12:18 - Yes, but I can't say it. - How come?
00:12:21 The line's busy.
00:12:22 [All laughing]
00:12:25 - Dr. Bob? - Hm?
00:12:26 Dr. Bob, wow, are you ever going to operate?
00:12:29 - No, but I know who will. - Who?
00:12:32 The telephone operator.
00:12:33 [All laughing]
00:12:34 [Man] And so, once again, Dr. Bob is off the hook.
00:12:38 You talking to me?
00:12:39 [Man] Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say:
00:12:43 Does the phone remind you of anything?
00:12:45 Well, it does ring a bell.
00:12:46 [All laughing]
00:12:53 [# Knocked 'Em in the Old Kent Road]
00:14:13 [Fozzie] Watch the hands!
00:14:15 Watch the feet! Watch your wallet! Here we go.
00:14:54 Excuse me, Mr. Burns, remember me? I'm Gonzo.
00:14:58 Oh, one of the Marx Brothers, Groucho, Chico, Harpo and Gonzo.
00:15:03 No, no, no, no, I'm the Great Gonzo. I'm in show business too.
00:15:06 Well, how did you get a name like Gonzo?
00:15:09 - My mother gave it to me. - Your mother.
00:15:11 Yeah. She died two years before I was born.
00:15:14 If she died two years before you were born, how could she give you that name?
00:15:18 - She left a note to my father. - A note to your father, I thought so.
00:15:22 Coming from you that sounds believable.
00:15:24 Look, I hope you don't mind me coming in here like this,
00:15:27 but I know you love show business,
00:15:29 and those stories about the early days are really interesting.
00:15:33 - Some of them are pretty dull. - How can you say that?
00:15:36 I haven't even told you any of my stories yet.
00:15:38 - Oh, yours? I thought you meant... - I remember my first act.
00:15:42 I worked with a kangaroo who could tell time.
00:15:45 A kangaroo who could tell time?
00:15:47 Yeah. It was a trick. He kept a pocket watch in his pouch.
00:15:52 If you've got a pouch, that's the place to keep it.
00:15:55 Yeah, but he was always wrong. He kept his watch on Australia time.
00:15:59 Makes sense.
00:16:00 Not really. He's never been to Australia.
00:16:04 Well, that makes sense too. Where did he come from?
00:16:08 I thought you said he'd never been to Australia.
00:16:10 Sydney's his agent.
00:16:11 - Has he got an office in Pittsburgh. - Yeah.
00:16:14 Used to handle me. You know something, Gonzo?
00:16:17 You sound a lot like somebody I used to work with.
00:16:19 - Really? That's a compliment. - Mm-hm.
00:16:23 You know... you know who that is?
00:16:25 Sure, Walter Matthau.
00:16:27 Yeah, that's her.
00:16:30 I must be getting old. I think I enjoyed talking to him.
00:16:36 [Soft music plays]
00:16:39 Kermie, Kermie, won't you dance with me? Kermie!
00:16:43 [# L Won't Dance]
00:17:25 Oh, yeah?
00:18:03 - Bravo, Bravo! - Why are you yelling bravo?
00:18:06 Did you like it that much?
00:18:08 No. A friend of mine, Joe Bravo. He's sitting in the third row.
00:18:11 - Bravo, Bravo, up here! - Up here!
00:18:22 [Computer voice] This is a recorded analytic program readout.
00:18:26 We will start with the upper right of the module.
00:18:30 You will note the longitudinally polarized antenna.
00:18:33 This component is indestructible and is guaranteed for the life of the unit.
00:18:40 There is an alarm system which is activated if the machine is damaged.
00:18:46 Adjacent to the alarm is the digital iambic generator.
00:18:51 - [Beeping] - [Growls]
00:18:52 This unit is pressurized with large amounts of methane gas.
00:19:00 On the top of the inter-cellular power generator
00:19:03 you will see a spherical voltage oblongata.
00:19:13 [Cash register rings]
00:19:15 By way of contrast, the Doppler sublimated magneto
00:19:19 located on the front of the generator
00:19:22 can be purchased in any hardware store for about 37 cents.
00:19:29 The intercellular power structure and generator itself
00:19:33 is filled with a series of Manxome coils attenuated dicotyledonously.
00:19:39 Ln this same circuit there is an intaglio of numismatic
00:19:43 krypton wavelengths which abrogates the hydromatic mome raths
00:19:47 at the rate of five ventrical icons per micro cantabile.
00:19:52 - The electromagnetic console... - [growls]
00:19:59 Ln conclusion, nothing can keep this machine from performing its function
00:20:05 which is to be the most powerful exploding device known to man.
00:20:09 - [Ticking] - [Grunts]
00:20:13 Disgusting. Ever see eating like that?
00:20:16 - Sure. - Where?
00:20:17 - Thanksgiving dinner with my in-laws. - [Chuckles]
00:20:22 Hey, Kermit, do you know about the reporter who's snooping around here?
00:20:26 Yeah, Fleet Scribbler.
00:20:27 He asked me to tell him all about the scandals and behind-the-scenes dirt.
00:20:31 Oh, I know, it's just awful.
00:20:33 - It was. I didn't know where to begin. - What?
00:20:37 Well, I mean, I could have talked for hours.
00:20:39 I don't want to hear about it.
00:20:42 Now he's talking to the Swedish Chef.
00:20:44 Well, he can't get any information from him.
00:20:47 [Mock Swedish]
00:20:53 [Mock Swedish]
00:21:00 On the other hand... [gulps]
00:21:04 Ladies and gentlemen, once again, the one and only Mr. George Burns.
00:21:09 [Piano plays]
00:21:12 What do you say, George, would you do one more song for us?
00:21:15 You don't think I came over here just to do one song.
00:21:18 Mr. Burns, oh, I've been a fan of yours for years.
00:21:22 Would you sing a song just for moi?
00:21:26 I could never say no to a lady.
00:21:28 Well, you don't have to worry then. It's only Miss Piggy. [laughs]
00:21:32 Cool it, flea bait.
00:21:34 Now, where were we?
00:21:37 I was about to say yes to a lady.
00:21:39 Thank you, Mr. Burns.
00:21:40 Let's get the group out because this song needs all the help I can get.
00:21:45 - Out here, everybody. - [Piano playing]
00:21:47 - Now, Rowlf, in my key. - All right.
00:21:50 - I want you all to follow me. - Yes, sir.
00:21:52 [# All Depends on You]
00:22:01 That's nice.
00:22:34 Hold that note. I'll find another song.
00:22:37 Oh, I got it.
00:22:38 [# You Made Me Love You]
00:23:12 That's nice. Let's... let's... let's do that again.
00:23:30 [Full band joins in]
00:24:25 It's been another busy show and here we are now at the place where it stops.
00:24:30 And so let's give a warm thank you
00:24:32 to our special guest star, Mr. George Burns!
00:24:38 Hey, Mr. Burns, is it true that you and Miss Piggy were seen at a discotheque?
00:24:43 - [Coughing] - Good night, Fleet.
00:24:46 OK, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
00:25:25 - How do they do it? - How do we watch it?
00:25:29 - Why do we watch it? - Why do you watch it?