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Episode 209: Madeline Kahn/transcript

< Episode 209: Madeline Kahn

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Cold open


Opening number



Animal's drum solo

Dressing room

The Swedish Chef

UK spot

Pigs in Space

Fozzie's comedy act

"Happy Girl Meets a Monster"


Muppet newsflash

"Up, Up and Away"

"Wishing Song"


[Scooter] Madeline Kahn! Oh, Madeline Kahn! 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Kahn.

Thank you, Scooter.

I won't let you do it! You hear me? I won't let an artist of your beauty and integrity go out there and work on this weird, sick show.

You're on.


It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Miss Madeline Kahn!

  1. Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light
  1. Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight
  1. Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right
  1. Lt's time to get things started

This helps but I can still hear them.

  1. Lt's time to get things started
  1. On the most sensational, inspirational
  1. Celebrational, Muppetational
  1. This is what we call The Muppet Show! #


Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show, where our special guest star is the talented star of film and television, Miss Madeline Kahn! But first, many of you people have been writing in to ask the question, can the frog tap dance? And of course the answer to that is, hit it!

[# Happy Feet]

It's Madeline Kahn!

You must be the Great Gonzo, right?

Yeah, I was just rehearsing a rather sensational new act I'm doing. This is Eric, the yodeling clam.

Well, if you're busy, I'll...

No, no, no, no! Eric, take five.

I'll get him!

Dear, dear, me! There, are you all right?


Oh! Well, I'm glad.


What do you mean, why?

Why did you say you were glad?

Well, I think you're terrific on the show.

You do?

I'd hate to see anything happen.

You would?

Well, yeah.

Wow! You're not just kidding around here, are you?

Of course I'm not kidding! I think you're terrific!

Miss Kahn, it's time to get ready for your musical number.

Thank you. I'll see you later, Gonzo. Excuse me.

Yeah, bye.

Hey Gonzo, how's it going with your yodeling clam?

You can have him. I'm in love!

What's he good for?


We started the show with Happy Feet. Here's our guest star to continue that thought. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Madeline Kahn!

[# Your Feet]


Wait! Wait a minute!

These are filthy!

You kicked me that time!

Oh, my...!

I need you! But on the other hand...

Listen, let me get...

I just bought a new hearing aid.

How much was it?

About four dollars.

What kind is it?


I said what kind is it?

It's about a quarter after 12.

[Playing drums]

[# A Foggy Day]

[Audience boos]

Thank you, thank you.

Excuse me, Miss Piggy. May I come in?

Only if you're green and have flippers.

It's me, Gonzo, and it will only take a second.

OK, twerp, what do you want?

Well, you know, I've always had this crush on you.


I came to tell you that I'm not gonna bother you anymore. I'm sorry.

Well, good! I'm glad you've finally come to your senses.


Oh, my dear Gonzo.

I know it will be painful for a while.

But in time, you shall forget all about me.

But I already have.


Yes, I've found somebody else.

Oh, uh, well, uh... You have? What's she like?

Well, she's nothing like you at all.

She's beautiful! And she's got this cute little nose. And she's intelligent and talented. And I'm very happy. So you see, breaking up with you isn't painful at all.

Not until now! Hiyah!

I see what you mean.

[Singing gibberish]

[Speaks in mock Swedish]


...the lobster into the...

[horses approaching]

[Horn sounds]

[Yelling, gunfire]

[Speaks mock Spanish]

Haven't I seen you someplace before?


[Speaks mock Spanish]

Vamanos muchachos!

Don't move!

[Speaks mock Swedish]

What the hey?

I think they were trying to make a point with that sketch.

What's the point?

You're right. Forget it.

[# New York State of Mind]

[Man] And now, Pigs in Space! Starring the salubrious Captain Link Hogthrob. The provocative first mate, Miss Piggy. And the mythical Dr. Strangepork. When last we left the spaceship Swinetrek, it was drifting aimlessly in space due to the loss of power in the steering mechanism.

Are you sure we've lost power on our steering mechanism, Link?

I'm afraid so, doctor.

Try that one.

What, this one here?


I already did.

I didn't see you.

You don't have to see me. I'm the captain.

Did you see him, doctor?

Ah, no.


But if Link says he tried that one, I for one believe him.

Thank you.

Men. You all stick together. I'm going to try that control.

Now you stay on your own side. These are the captain's controls.

Those are your controls. They are the first mate controls. You work your own.

But my controls are just for the hot plate, the air conditioning and the stereo. They have nothing to do with steering.

That's right.

I'm going to take a break.

Would you see that First Mate Piggy works her own controls and not mine?

Right, Link.

I know that it's this one.

[Electronic beeping]

But the captain said...

I don't care what he said. I'm gonna try it.

I heard that. Stop her.

Uh, it's too late!

This works the steering.


Or the door.

[Man] Tune in two weeks from tonight and miss next week's Pigs in Space!

You know, that was almost funny.

They better be careful. They'll spoil a perfect record.

OK, here is Fozzie Bear and his magic ukulele playing one of the great classics from the musical theater.

[# And the Pig Got Up and Slowly Walked Away]

Hey. It... it's just a song. Please don't take it personal.

Oh, boy.

That bit they just did reminds me of broccoli.


I hate broccoli.

Now once again, our special guest star, Miss Madeline Kahn.


What a beautiful, sunny day. I just love sunny days because they are so beautiful. When the sun shines, it just makes everything look so nice that I wish the sun would never stop shining.

Well. Of course, uh... there are some very nice things about rainy days too. The rain feels so refreshing. I think that I like rainy days just as much as I like sunny days. After all, the rain makes the pretty flowers grow, and I just love the pretty flowers.

You know, even more than flowers, I like trees.

Just look at those lovely statues.

I think that this bench is probably one of the most comfortable benches I've ever sat upon.

Of course, there are so many beautiful things that you don't even have to see to enjoy. Just listen. Listen to that lovely little bird singing.

You are really not very nice.

In fact, you're perfectly awful. You are so awful that it is truly beautiful. You've probably worked all your life to be perfectly awful. Year after year to be just as bad as possible. And now all of your toil and self-sacrifice has paid off.

Yes, you're a success. Yes, you have set yourself a goal and you have achieved it. Oh, you are to be congratulated.

Yeah. You are so awful that it is truly beautiful. In fact, you are the perfect example of beautiful awfulness.

Sometimes you have to talk your troubles down to a size where you can handle them.

Kermit, how do I look?

Very nice, Gonzo. What's the big occasion?

Madeline Kahn and I are getting married.


Yeah, moving out to the suburbs, buying a station wagon, joining the PTA. The whole ball of wax.

But Gonzo, you just met Madeline Kahn.

I know. I work fast, Kermit. I'm going to ask her now.

Wait a second. You haven't even asked her yet?

Kermit, she's crazy about me.

Don't you think you're rushing things a little? I mean, even buying a new tuxedo before...

No, this tuxedo isn't new. I used to wear this when I was working on a magic act.

Are you sure it's all right? I think you better check the pocket.

I think you're right.

You better check the hat too.

Quiet up there, Bun Bun.

Here's a Muppet news flash. Reports are coming in from all over the world that television news reporters are blowing up. These unlikely rumors have...

Kermit, I am glad you told me this. I mean, I... But I feel terrible now.

It wasn't your fault, Madeline. Gonzo doesn't get many compliments. When he does hear one, he goes bananas.

I was just trying to be nice to Gonzo, not marry him. You've got to help me find him.

I'll go check the prop room.

I'll look upstairs.


Oh. Hi, Miss Kahn.

Gonzo, I'm very sorry I made you sad.


I just really don't think it would work out if we got married.

No, I suppose I am kind of short for you.

No! It's... Well, anyway. Hey, I hope we can be the very best of friends.

Thank you.

If there's anything I can ever do for you...

There is one thing.


Let me finish my song.

Oh, of course. I'd like to hear it, please.

Can I borrow your...


Thank you.

What is this? What is this?

My magician's coat.

That's about it for this show. Let's have a special round of applause for our guest star, Miss Madeline Kahn!

Thank you. Thank you, Kermit. I very much enjoyed being on the show. Everyone has been so nice. Especially Gonzo.

Oh, thank you.

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

You should be. Now you'll have to go to all those PTA meetings alone.

OK, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

We got our money's worth tonight.

But we paid nothing.

That's what we got.

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