Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Madeline Kahn! Oh, Madeline Kahn! Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Kahn.
Madeline Thank you, Scooter.
Sam the Eagle (shuts the door and blocks it) I won't let you do it! You hear me? I won't let an artist of your beauty and integrity go out there and work on this weird, sick show.
Madeline dons a wig and a pair of Groucho Marx glasses (sans mustache). She looks at Sam and blows a party favor at him.
Sam the Eagle (opens the door) You're on.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Miss Madeline Kahn!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins. Statler and Waldorf are sitting backwards, ignoring the singing.
Waldorf This helps but I can still hear 'em.
Gonzo blows his trumpet and orange smoke comes out of it.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show, where our very special guest star is the talented star of film and television, Miss Madeline Kahn! (applause) But first, first, many of you people have been writing in to ask the question, can the frog tap dance? And of course, the answer to that is, hit it!
Kermit dances his way through "Happy Feet," even though his feet are never shown on-screen. Everyone applauds, including Statler and Waldorf.
Waldorf That's a great song, eh?


Gonzo waves a conductor's baton as a clam yodels. Madeline encounters them.
Gonzo It's Madeline Kahn!
Madeline Hey, you must be the Great Gonzo, right?
Gonzo Yeah, yeah. I was just rehearsing a rather sensational new act I'm doing. This is Eric, the yodeling clam.
Madeline Oh. Well, if you're busy, I'll...
Gonzo No, no, no, no! Uh, Eric, uh, take five.
The clam shuts itself on Gonzo's nose. Madeline pries the clam open to rescue Gonzo.
Madeline I'll get him! … Dear, dear, me! There! Are you all right?
Gonzo Yeah. Yeah.
Madeline Whew! Well, I'm glad.
Gonzo Why?
Madeline What do you mean, why?
Gonzo Why did you say you were glad?
Madeline Well, I … I think you're terrific on the show.
Gonzo You do???
Madeline Yeah. I'd — I'd hate to see anything happen to you, I mean especially — (touches his nose)
Gonzo You would?
Madeline Well, yeah.
Gonzo Wow! Look, you're not just kidding around here, are you?
Madeline Of course I'm not kidding! I think you're terrific!
Scooter Excuse me, Miss Kahn, it's time to get ready for your musical number.
Madeline Thank you. I'll see you later, Gonzo. (exits) Oh, 'scuse me, I'm sorry.
Gonzo Yeah, bahh … (lovestruck)
Scooter Hey Gonzo, how's it going with your yodeling clam?
Gonzo You can have him. I'm in love!
Scooter What's he good for?
Gonzo Chowder! (exits)
The clam yodels again, puzzling Scooter.


Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Uh, we started the show with "Happy Feet". Here's our special guest star to continue that thought. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Madeline Kahn!
Open on a middle eastern palace setting. Madeline lies on pillows.

♪I've forgotten your eyes,
♪'Cause they no longer hypnotize my memory.
♪I've forgotten your nose,
♪And the way that it grows in some kind of dignity.
♪And I've forgotten your lips,
♪And your cool fingertips, oh, sort of sweet…
♪But I'll never forget,
♪No, I'll never forget your feet!

Three Mutations enter and dance around her.

♪Forget your feet?
♪I'd sooner forget my name and address.
♪To forget your feet,
♪It would take a case of amnesia, no less.
♪To forget those arches, those insteps, those toes,
♪Those bountiful bunions I used to greet,
♪When in abject surrender,
♪I fall adoringly at your feet!

They pick her up and dance with her.

♪I remember your ears,
♪But they no longer make the tears run down my cheeks!
♪And I remember your knees, — watch it!
♪But they no longer please — (laughs)
♪I remember your chin,
♪But your chin don't even begin to compete
♪With the memory of those — WHEEE — memory of your feet!

They walk over her, then she dances with them for the big finish.

♪Talk about feet — wait a minute!
♪Talk about feet,— y'know —
♪Talk about, feet feet feet feet feet feet feet feet feet!
♪When all is forgotten your feet will remain!
♪Yeah, feet!
♪They march up and down inside of my brain.
♪When I see those titanic toenails so sweet,
♪That huge metatarsals, so indiscreet,
♪And I know when I die,
♪Well of course I will cry,
♪Right before the last beat of my heart,
♪I will start to repeat
♪That phrase so sweet
♪In Latin it's "su pies"
♪In French is "vos pieds"
♪But in English it's, short and terse and it's sweet
♪Now these filthy — what makes my (coughs)
♪Those things aren't petite!
♪Your big, fat, foolish, fabulous,
♪Fantastic and fantabulous,
♪Hulking, bulking, huge and wonderful,
♪Rooming, booming, bold and blunderful,
♪I mean they're filthy — glowing, wonderful FEET!
You kicked me that time!
♪Feet! Woo! They're just so — oh my — (falls)
♪Toot toot tootsie, come home!

They wiggle their feet in her face. Applause.
Madeline I need ya! Well— on the other hand... Listen, let me get my ironing board —
Waldorf I just bought a new hearing aid.
Statler Oh? How much was it?
Waldorf About four dollars.
Statler Hmm. What kind is it?
Waldorf Hmm?
Statler I said what kind is it?
Waldorf (looks at his watch) It's about a quarter after 12.

Animal's drum solo

Animal plays a drum solo.
He finishes. The audience boos.
Animal Thank you, thank you.

Dressing room

Gonzo knocks on Piggy's dressing room door and enters.
Gonzo Excuse me, Miss Piggy. May I come in?
Miss Piggy Ehh, only if you're green and have flippers.
Gonzo It's me, Gonzo, and it will only take a second.
Miss Piggy (sigh) Okay, twerp, what do you want?
Gonzo Well, uh, you know, I've always had this crush on you.
Miss Piggy Yech!
Gonzo Well, I came to tell you that I'm not gonna bother you anymore. … I'm sorry.
Miss Piggy Well, good! Heh! I'm glad you've FINALLY come to your senses.
Gonzo Well...
Miss Piggy (dramatic) Awww, my dear Gonzo. I know it will be painful for a while. But in time, you shall forget all about me.
Gonzo But I already have.
Miss Piggy Oh.
Gonzo Yes, I've found somebody else.
Miss Piggy Oh, uh, well, uh... You have? What, uh — ahem — What's she like?
Gonzo Well, she's nothing like you at all.
Miss Piggy Mm-hm.
Gonzo She's beautiful! (sigh) And, and she's got this cute little nose. And she's intelligent, and talented. (sigh) And I'm very happy. So you see, breaking up with you isn't painful at all.
Miss Piggy Not until now! (punches him in the nose) Hi-YAH!
Gonzo Oh. I see what you mean. (exits)

The Swedish Chef

Open on the Chef with two cooking utensils.
Swedish Chef (sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
He tosses the utensils, points to a pot, and shoves a lobster into it.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) ... de løbster … de løbster ïntø de...
Suddenly we hear horses galloping and a cavalry horn. A gang of gun-toting Mexican lobster banditos invade the kitchen, taking the Chef by surprise.
Lobster (JN) (mock Spanish)
Lobster (RH) ¡Si, si!
Lobster (JN) Cisco! Pancho! (mock Spanish) … Donna Maria!
Lobster (RH) (mock Spanish) … Donna Maria!
They surround the Chef and hold him at gunpoint. They rescue Donna Maria, the lobster in the pot.
Lobster (JN) Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Donna Maria (escapes pot) Cisco! You come for me!
Lobsters (cheering)
Donna Maria Gracias, muchachos! Adios, el Chef-o!
Lobster (JN) Arriba! (shoots the cleaver out of the Chef's hand) Andale! (mock Spanish) … Vamonos muchachos! (to Chef) Don't move!
The lobsters exit, firing in all directions.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) ... Whåt de hëy? (scratches head)
Statler You know, I think they were trying to make a point with that sketch.
Waldorf What's the point?
Statler … You're right. Forget it.
Waldorf (chuckles)

UK spot

Nystateofmind 301-15
Floyd Pepper, Dr. Teeth, and Zoot perform "New York State of Mind."

Pigs in Space

Announcer And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! Starring the salubrious Captain Link Hogthrob … the provocative first mate, Miss Piggy … and the mythical Dr. Strangepork. When last we left the spaceship Swinetrek, it was drifting aimlessly in space due to the loss of power in the steering mechanism.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Hmm … Are you sure we've lost power on our steering mechanism, Link?
Link Hogthrob I'm afraid so, doctor.
Miss Piggy Try that one.
Link Hogthrob What, this one here?
Miss Piggy Mm-hm.
Link Hogthrob I already did.
Miss Piggy I didn't see you.
Link Hogthrob You don't have to see me. I'm the captain.
Miss Piggy Did you see him, doctor?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Ah, no.
Miss Piggy There.
Dr. Julius Strangepork But if Link says he tried that one, I for one believe him.
Link Hogthrob Thank you.
Miss Piggy Men. You all stick together. I'm going to try that control.
Link Hogthrob Now you stay on your own side. These are the captain's controls. Those are your controls. They are the first mate controls. You work your own.
Miss Piggy But my controls are just for the hot plate, the air conditioning and the stereo.
Link Hogthrob Mm-hm.
Miss Piggy They have nothing to do with steering.
Link Hogthrob That's right.
Miss Piggy (growls)
Link Hogthrob Doctor, I'm going to take a break. Would you see that First Mate Piggy works her own controls and not mine?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Right, Link.
Miss Piggy I know that it's this one.
She pulls a lever.
Dr. Julius Strangepork No, but the captain said that you're not sup…
Miss Piggy I don't care what he said. I'm gonna try it.
Link Hogthrob I heard that. Stop her!
Dr. Julius Strangepork Uh, it's too late!
Miss Piggy This works the steering.
She pulls the lever all the way down. The exit doors shut on Link.
Miss Piggy Or the door.
Announcer Tune in two weeks from tonight, and miss next week's PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Statler You know, that was almost funny.
Waldorf They better be careful. They'll spoil a perfect record.
They chuckle.

Fozzie's comedy act

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Okay, now here is Fozzie Bear and his magic ukulele, playing one of the great classics from the musical theater.
Fozzie takes the stage and sings "And the Pig Got Up and Slowly Walked Away". When he finishes, a group of angry pigs gang up on him.
Fozzie Hey. It... it's just a song. Don't — please don't take it personal. Oh, boy. (rows himself away)
Statler That bit they just did reminds me of broccoli.
Waldorf Why?
Statler I hate broccoli.
They chuckle.

"Happy Girl Meets a Monster"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit And now once again, our special guest star, Miss Madeline Kahn.
Open on a public garden setting. Madeline walks through it.
Madeline La la la la. What a beautiful, sunny day. I just love sunny days because they are so beautiful. Hmm? When the sun shines, it just makes everything look so nice that I wish the sun would never stop shining.
Doglion comes out of hiding.
Doglion (waves hands) Nivel crunch, scran bloor!
It starts raining. Madeline almost shades herself with her umbrella, but stops.
Madeline Well. Heh … Of course, uh... there are some very nice things about rainy days too. The rain feels so refreshing. I think that I like rainy days just as much as I like sunny days.
Doglion casts another spell, stopping the rain.
Madeline After all, the rain makes the — the pretty flowers grow, and I just love the pretty flowers.
Doglion starts destroying the flower beds.
Madeline You know, even more than flowers, I like trees.
Doglion starts knocking over the trees. Madeline sits on a bench.
Madeline Just look … at those lovely statues.
Doglion knocks down the statues.
Madeline I — I — I — I think that this bench is probably one of the most comfortable benches I've ever sat upon.
She notices him coming and escapes. He knocks over the bench.
Madeline Of course, there … there are so many beautiful things that you don't even have to see to enjoy. Just listen. Listen to that lovely little bird singing.
His ears perk up. He shoots the bird down with his finger. Madeline faces him.
Madeline You know, you're really not very nice. In fact, you're perfectly awful.
Doglion (growls and swats at her)
Madeline I mean, you are so awful that it is truly beautiful.
Doglion Huh?
Madeline Yeah — you've — now, you've probably worked all your life to be perfectly awful. Year after year to be just as bad as possible. And now, now all of your toil and self-sacrifice has paid off.
He shrinks as she talks.
Madeline Yes, you're a success. Yes, you have set yourself a goal and you have achieved it. Oh, you are to be congratulated. Yeah. You are so awful that it is truly beautiful. In fact, you are the perfect example of beautiful awfulness.
He is now the size of a toddler. She addresses the camera.
Madeline (sigh) Sometimes you have to talk your troubles down to a size where you can handle them.
He is now the size of a soccer ball. She tosses her purse and swats him away with her umbrella. Applause.


Kermit looks over the rundown. Gonzo approaches him wearing a tux and top hat.
Gonzo Kermit, how do I look?
Kermit Uh, well, uh, very nice, Gonzo. What's the big occasion?
Gonzo Madeline Kahn and I are getting married.
Kermit Married?
Gonzo Yeah. Moving out to the suburbs, buying a station wagon, joining the PTA. The whole ball of wax.
Kermit Er — but Gonzo, you just met Madeline Kahn.
Gonzo (sigh) I know. I work fast, Kermit. I'm going to ask her now.
Kermit Wait a second. You haven't even asked her yet?
Gonzo Kermit, she's crazy about me.
Kermit Yeah, but don't you think you're rushing things a little? I mean, even buying a new tuxedo before...
Gonzo Oh, no, this tuxedo isn't new. I used to wear this when I was working on a magic act. Are you sure it's all right?
Flowers pop out of the pocket.
Kermit I think you better check the pocket.
Gonzo I think you're right.
His hat moves.
Kermit You better check the hat too.
Gonzo (looks up) Quiet up there, Bun Bun. (shrugs)

Muppet newsflash

Newsman Here's a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Reports are coming in from all over the world that television news reporters are blowing up. These unlikely rumors have...
BOOM! He explodes.

"Up, Up and Away"

Rowlf plays the piano.
Rowlf Up, up and away …
The candelabra rockets away, bewildering Rowlf.

"Wishing Song"

Madeline Kermit, I am very glad that you told me this. I mean, I... But I, I feel terrible now.
Kermit Well - it wasn't your fault, Madeline. I mean uh, y'know, Gonzo doesn't get many compliments, so when he does hear one, he kinda goes bananas.
Madeline Well - I mean, I was just trying to be nice to Gonzo, not marry him.
Gonzo, holding a rose, overhears her, and hangs his head.
Madeline (realizes) — Oh, marry him. Listen, Kermit, you — you've got to help me find him, okay?
Kermit Okay, well, I'll go check the prop room.
Madeline I'll look upstairs.
A sad Gonzo watches her go upstairs. He sits on an apple box, chucks away the rose, and sings.

♪ I wish I had a coat of silk, the color of the sky.
♪ I wish I had a lady fair as any butterfly.
♪ I wish I had a house of stone that looked down on the sea.
♪ But most of all, I wish that I was someone else but me.

Madeline approaches him.
Madeline Gonzo.
Gonzo Oh. Hi, Miss Kahn.
Madeline Gonzo, I'm very sorry I made you sad.
Gonzo Oh.
Madeline Y'know, I — I just really don't think it would work out if we got married.
Gonzo Yeah, I suppose I am kind of short for you.
Madeline No! No, it's… Well, anyway. Hey, I hope we can be the very best of friends.
Gonzo Aww. (sniff) Thank you.
Madeline (laughs) And if there's anything I can ever do for you...
Gonzo There is one thing.
Madeline What?
Gonzo Let me finish my song.
Madeline Oh, of course. I'd like to hear it, please.

♪ Now I don't have a coat of silk, but I still have the sky.
♪ Now I don't have a lady, but there goes a butterfly.
♪ Now I don't have a house of stone, but I can see the sea.
♪ Now most of all, I know that I am happy to be me.

They hug.
Gonzo ♪ I'm happy to be me.
Madeline (sniff) Can I borrow your...
Gonzo Sure.
She takes a tissue from his pocket and finds it attached to colored scarves.
Madeline Thank you. What is this? What is this?
Gonzo My magician's coat.


Kermit Well, that's about it for this show. So let's have a special round of applause for our guest star, Miss Madeline Kahn!
Applause as she comes out.
Madeline Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Kermit. I very much enjoyed being on the show.
Kermit Oh, good.
Madeline Everyone has been so nice.
WHOOSH! Gonzo enters.
Madeline Especially Gonzo.
Gonzo Oh, thank you.
Madeline I'm sorry it didn't work out.
Gonzo Well, you should be. Now you'll have to go to all those PTA meetings alone.
The other Muppets gather onstage.
Kermit Okay, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The credits roll.
Statler We got our money's worth tonight.
Waldorf But we paid nothing.
Statler That's what we got.
They chuckle.