Cold open

The guest star's dressing room. Scooter knocks and enters.
Scooter Steve Martin? Oh, Steve Martin? Fifteen seconds till curtain, Mr. Martin!
Steve Martin Thank you, Scooter. I'm almost ready.
Steve, wearing a gag arrow through the head, jumps up and down growling with his fingers in his mouth.
208-1
Scooter Say, you're gonna feel right at home around here.

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Mr. Steve Martin!
The curtain opens and the theme begins.
Waldorf I liked the old opening better.
208-2
Green smoke billows out of Gonzo's trumpet with a long squeak.
Gonzo Green smoke!

No show?!

Kermit enters the main stage to applause.
Kermit Uh, thank you. Thank you and welcome, for the moment, to The Muppet Show. Listen, I really feel bad about this, but I have a special announcement.
Waldorf Hey, maybe we've gotten lucky at last.
Statler Yeah, maybe tonight's show's been cancelled.
Kermit Uh, tonight's show has been cancelled.
Statler Have I died and gone to heaven?
Kermit Well, you see, I just realized I misread my calendar. Tonight we're scheduled to audition new acts for the show, so I'm really sorry, but there will not be a Muppet Show tonight. You can all stay and watch the auditions, but of course I'm not sure there will be anything very exciting.
Waldorf When has there ever been? (laughs with Statler)
Kermit OK, you two, take the night off! Now, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night to everybody.
The audience grumbles as they get up and leave.
Kermit I'll just go out into the house and... Good grief, it's Steve Martin.
Mild applause as Steve joins Kermit onstage, wearing a bathrobe and shower cap.
Stevemartin2
Steve Yeah it is, Kermit. How's it going, little fella?
Kermit Uh... uh... well, fine. Just fine, Steve.
Steve Say, I was sitting back in my dressing room getting ready for the next number and I heard this rumor that the show had been cancelled.
Kermit Well, yeah, you see, we have to audition new acts tonight.
Steve Oh, OK, fine. Hey you know, I was just supposed to be the guest star on tonight's show. No problem.
Kermit Yeah, well, I'm very sorry about that, really.
Steve Well, you know, it's just a thing, that I'm sitting there getting ready, and, you know, I feel like some kind of sap back there, putting these clothes on for the big number. And no one bothers to come back and say, "Hey, Steve, the show has been canceled." What am I around here, nothing?!
Kermit Steve, I don't know what to say.
Steve Well, I do. Excuuuse me!
Steve stuffs his shower cap on Kermit's head and leaves.
Kermit Um... Well, um, let's get the auditions going, shall we?
Kermit trips off the stage.
Waldorf Well, should we stay or go?
Statler I feel the same as I do every week. I've paid good money for this ticket and I'm going to use it. Hmpf!
Waldorf The tickets are free.
Statler Oh. Yes, uh, well, and overpriced at that too.

First act

The audience clears out as Kermit takes a seat in the front row of the house.
Kermit OK. Uh... (clears throat) OK. If we can get things started here now.
Fozzie, Floyd, and Gonzo take seats behind him.
Fozzie Kermit? Kermit?
Kermit Hm?
Fozzie Hey, when you say you are auditioning acts, you mean new acts, don't you? I mean, you don't mean replacements?
208-3
Kermit Well, I don't really know, Fozzie. I just thought maybe we could use some new blood. (leaves)
Fozzie Why didn't he tell me he wanted me to bleed?
208-4
Kermit OK, Scooter, what's the first act?
Scooter Oh, we got some really great talent lined up, boss. First up is the Lautrec Sisters in the Garbage Cancan.
Fozzie Oh, please don't let them be funny.
208-5
The first act is The Lautrec Sisters, a group of dancing rats doing the "Can-Can."
Rats Wee! Wee!
Kermit Oh, very good. Nice work, girls.
Fozzie He liked the dancing rats? Oh, what chance does a bear have?

Mary Louise

Scooter Listen, Kermit, if you liked the last act, wait till you see the next one. It's called Mary Louise and Friend.
Curtain opens to Mary Louise and a frog.
Mary Louise Way down upon the Swanee...
Friend Ribbit.
Mary Louise Far, far away...
208-6
A vaudeville hook yanks Mary Louise offstage.

Offstage

208-7
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish)
Floyd Hey, well, I had a big vibe solo scheduled on tonight's show. Don't ask me why the frog canceled.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) ... chop-chop-chop! (produces meat cleaver, leaves)
Floyd (chuckling) Yeah, right on! Now you're talking my language.

Steve's act

Kermit Hey, can we have some quiet out there in the theater, please? What's next, Scooter?
Scooter Oh, you'll love this, boss. Here he is, Steve Martin!
The Muppets applaud Steve as he comes onstage.
Steve (takes a bow) Thank you very much. Thank you.
Kermit Steve, Steve, you know, you really don't have to perform here, you know.
Steve Well, I figured since I was here I may as well do some stuff, you know.
Kermit Yeah, but you don't have to do this, because we cancelled the show.
Steve Oh, well, uh, maybe I could just, you know, perform for the guys.
"The guys" shout their affirmation. "Yeah! OK! Come on!"
Kermit OK, well, listen, if you want him you got him. Take it away, Steve. (The Muppets cheer)
Steve Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Thank you. I realize a lot of you folks are sitting out there saying to yourselves, "Sure, he's great, but can he make balloon animals?" Have you seen this before?
Audience Yeah!!
Steve Oh, I'm sorry. I don't like to repeat.
Audience (collective groan of disappointment) "Come on, Steve." "Come on." "Please, do it! Do it!" "Come on, Steve, come on!"
Steve I don't know what to do now. I don't like to repeat, and yet, the audience is demanding that I do it. I'll tell you what, I'll make a compromise. I'll make balloon animals but I won't blow them up.
Audience (impressed) Look at that...
Steve folds deflated balloons into a tangle and holds it up to the audience.
Steve Giraffe. Well, here we go.
Floyd (laughing) Dude got a sense of humor.
Steve (blowing up balloons) See how I fill up the balloons with words, and if they pop they go, (high-pitched) "gosh darn it!" (blows a balloon in a curlicue) It's not easy to get that air to curl up inside your lungs like that. And now, fun balloon animals! Here we go!
Steve works frantically with the balloons and the audience is impressed.
Audience Oh yeah, look at him go, look at him go!
Steve Scooter, more balloons, Scooter!
Scooter rushes onstage to deliver balloons.
Scooter Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Here you go, sir!
Steve Thank you!
Scooter OK! (exits)
Steve Blow up some more, just in case!
Scooter Yes sir!
Steve (Continues wrestling with the balloons. One of them pops.) Ohh, (high-pitched) gosh darn it!
Audience (laughs) Oh really... wow...
Steve proudly holds up his mess of balloons.
Steve Puppy dog!
Rowlf I love that one. It's so cute.
Steve Thank you very much. OK, um... Well, just...
Steve looks for a place to set down his balloon creation, and puts it on his head.
Stevemartin02
Steve Hey, I'm complete. You know, folks, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you afford all those balloons you use in your act? You must be rich or something." Well, actually, I get the balloons for free. I go down to the balloon ranch, where the little baby balloons are grown, and I steal them from the nests. What I do is, the adult balloons who guard them are very stupid. And it's easy to trick them. I'll go, "Look at that inner tube." And they go, (dopey voice) "Where? Gosh." (normal) And I load up my pockets. Absolutely no danger to me because the adult balloons are very dumb and they wouldn't...
A grumbling sound gets louder and louder. A giant balloon roars and attacks Steve from above.
Steve Ahhh! It's out of control!
Steve, on the balloon, flies out of frame.
Kermit Well, it is a different sort of an act.
Crash! Steve, disheveled, emerges from behind the curtain.
Steve Hey, you missed my big finish! I didn't even use a net.
Gonzo You were terrific! You should make that into a feature film.

Terry Louise

Kermit Can we get on with the auditions?
Scooter Oh, next up is Terry Louise and Friend.
Curtains open to the same girl and frog duo.
208-8
Terry Louise Tie a yellow...
Friend Ribbit.
Terry Louise ...round the old oak tree...
Terry Louise is jerked offstage by a hook yet again.

Baskerville 's comedy act

Scooter Yeah... Uh, next we have one of the world's greatest comics, Baskerville the Hound.
Enter Baskerville, to Fozzie's theme music and in Fozzie's attire. 
208-9
Baskerville Hey, hey, hey, it's comedy time! You know what they call a dirty dog? A mud poodle! Ahhh! I am so funny! Did you hear the...?
Fozzie pushes Baskerville offstage with a hook.
Fozzie Next.

Offstage

Kermit Hey, hey, come on, Fozzie. You're taking all this too personally.
Fozzie joins Kermit in the audience.
Fozzie (unconvinced) Ohh...
Kermit Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in your field are doing. It's an enriching experience.
Fozzie Yeah...
Kermit Hey, Scooter, what's next?
Scooter Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. He's an emcee.
Kermit What the hey?
208-10

Lenny the Lizard

Enter Lenny, flailing his arms.
208-11
Lenny the Lizard Thank you, thank you, thank you. And welcome again to another edition of The Muppet Show! Well, we've got a great show for you tonight, starring the incredible and amazingly talented me. Plus other good things--
Kermit Next!
Fozzie (smug) It was really interesting to see how another emcee works.
Kermit Oh, cool it.
Fozzie Yeah, you really must feel enriched, Kermit.
Kermit Will you get out of here, Fozzie?
Fozzie grabs his hook and leaves, laughing.
Scooter On to the next act, chief?
Kermit Uh, yes, I'd love to.
Scooter I should think so. Anyway, it's a weird little act direct from the planet Koozebane. Here they are, the Four Fazoobs.

The Fazoobs

208-12
The Fazoobs perform an unusual musical number using themselves as the instruments.
Kermit Eesh, things are looking a little weird. OK, let's take a break, everybody. 

UK spot

Kermit Let's see what we have so far. We had the dancing rats... We had Mary Louise and Terry Louise...
Enter Gonzo.
208-13
Gonzo Kermit. (tapping him)
Kermit Not now, Gonzo. We had the, uh, Fazoobs... The Fazoobs.
Gonzo Kermit! (tapping Kermit more urgently)
Kermit Uh, what is it, Gonzo?
Gonzo I've got this great new act for you.
Kermit Not now, Gonzo. You see, right now I'm in the middle of auditions.
Gonzo Okay, we'll audition!
Kermit I've seen your acts, Gonzo, you see, I don't want to see any more of them, thank you. Okay? I'll talk to you later, all right? All right? All right? (shouting) Scooter? Who's next, Scooter?
Gonzo Well, look, at least let me tell you about the act.
Kermit No. Scooter!
Gonzo I'm gonna tell you anyway.
Kermit I won't listen.
Gonzo Dancing cheese.
Kermit (beat) Dancing cheese?
Gonzo (sing-song) You were listening!
Kermit Will somebody find Scooter?!
Gonzo Aw, Kermit, she's a great dancer.
Kermit She? It's a female cheese?
Gonzo Of course it's a female! You don't expect me to dance with a male, do you?
Kermit Uh, no, no I...
Gonzo That would look weird!
Kermit Yes, yes. I'm sure that would look weird, Gonzo. Okay. You say you dance with her?
Gonzo You're getting interested, aren't ya?
Kermit No, I'm just killing time until Scooter gets here.
Gonzo Oh. Well, anyway, she's featured. 
Kermit Mm-hm.
Gonzo We do a flamenco.
Kermit Mm-hm.
Gonzo I just click my heels a little. The cheese does the fancy steps.
Kermit The cheese does the fancy steps, huh? Uh, Gonzo, I don't think I want to hear any more about it.
Gonzo But Scooter's not here yet!
Kermit Uh, I don't care. Oh, here he comes now. Oh, Scooter!
Gonzo Just remember it! (leaves)
Kermit Yeah. Sure.
Scooter Yes, chief?
Kermit Scooter, who you got next, huh?
Scooter Oh, uh... Gonzales and Yolanda.
Curtains open on Gonzo and his dancing cheese, who dance to flamenco music.
208-14
Gonzo ¡Arriba! ¡Olé! ¡El toro! ¡Enchilada! Dance, you little firebrand! Dance, dance! ¡Tortilla! ¡Burrito! ¡San Diego! Show 'em what gorgonzola can do. Cha-cha-cha!
Kermit Well, let us trust that we've got some new and truly different acts for the rest of the evening.

Carrie Louise

Scooter Here's the first one: Carrie Louise and Friend.
Once more, the curtains open on the girl and the frog.
Carrie Louise (clears throat nervously) Old man...
Friend Ribbit.
Carrie Louise is pulled offstage yet again by a vaudeville stage hook.
Carrie Louise (yelps)
208-15
Backstage, the saboteur of Carrie Louise's act is revealed to be Miss Piggy.
208-16
Miss Piggy I keep telling you, I'm the girl singer on this show. Move it. Move it!

"Ramblin' Guy"

Kermit OK, nothing too different so far. Hey, Scooter, you must have some good acts back there.
Scooter How 'bout this one, Kermit? He's a ramblin' guy.
Curtains open on Steve Martin with a banjo. The Muppet audience cheers.
Steve OK, let's not waste any more time. Let's go! How much was it to get in?
Fozzie Free.
208-17
Steve

OK, you're gonna get your money's worth on this. (Steve plays a tune on his banjo) Hey, this guy's good. (audience cheers) (speak-singing) I'm a ramblin' guy.
Well, I'm rambling, rambling 'round
I'm a rambling guy … (whistles a tune)
Free. (audience laughter)
Ramble out to The Muppet Show, oh, yeah
Meet all the Muppets, oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes...
Oh, no... Rambling...
Everybody whistle! (All whistling tune)
Alright, in Chinese now. (Singing in mock-Chinese)
When I'm rambling, rambling rambling, rambling, rambling
Raaa-uuu-ummm... blinggg!

Muppets cheer, curtains close.

"The Varsity Drag "

Kermit Way to go, Steve! That's good stuff.
Sam enters and the rest of the audience disperses.
Sam Kermit, I am appalled.
Kermit Hm?
Sam Don't we have some good old-fashioned entertainment?
Enter Scooter.
Kermit Scooter?
Scooter I can only vouch for the "old" part.
Kermit Who you got?
Scooter Statler and Waldorf.
Kermit What?
Curtains open to full-bodied, dancing Statler and Waldorf.
Statler and Waldorf

Here is the drag, see how it goes, 
Down on the heels, up on the toes,

That's the way to do the Varsity Drag!

208-19 208-18
Statler Hotter than hot
Waldorf Newer than new
Statler Meaner than mean
Waldorf Bluer than blue
Both Gets as much applause as waving the flag!
Statler Take it! (Waldorf dances)
208-20
Fozzie is heckling from their box.
Fozzie Boo, boo! Get off the stage!
Waldorf Take it, Statler! (solo from Statler)
Fozzie They're terrible, aren't they?
Statler and Waldorf

Everybody do the Varsity…
Everybody do the Varsity Drag!

They fall on each other.
Statler Watch it, you old fool! (laughs)
208-21
Sam Yes, here, here! Oh, wholesome. Wonderful!
Kermit I'm glad you enjoyed that act, Sam.
Sam Oh Kermit, it was good old-fashioned entertainment.
Kermit Mm-hm.
Sam With that act The Muppet Show finally turns the corner and becomes a normal, decent, moral program.
Kermit Well, I'm pleased, Sam. 
Sam Hmm... What's next?
Scooter Uh, Marvin Suggs and His All-Food Glee Club.
Sam For one brief moment there was light at the end of the tunnel. (facepalms)

"Yes, We Have No Bananas "

Curtains open, Marvin Suggs whirls onstage.
Marvin Suggs Olé! Gracias! Thank you and gracias! Yes, I am the beloved Marvin Suggs. And now, presenting my singing food!
208-22
Food enters, harmonizing a capella as Marvin conducts.
Food

Yes, we have no bananas
We have no bananas today (bananas today...)
We've stringbeans, and onion
Cabbages, and scallions,
And all kinds of fruit and say...

The music kicks and and tempo picks up.
Food

We have an old-fashioned to-mah-to
A nice juicy po-tah-to
But yes, we have no bananas
We have no bananas today!

Marvin Oh, I love my vegetables! How are you, cabbage?
Cabbage Oh, getting ahead!
Marvin How's the artichoke?
Artichoke Singing my heart out!
Marvin Oh, what is wrong, asparagus?
Asparagus I feel naked without my Hollandaise.
Marvin Come on, tomato, you're slow!
Tomato I'll ketchup.
Food

And yes, we have no bananas
We have no bananas,
We said no bananas,
We have no bananas today!

Applause. Marvin bows, curtains close.
Floyd Hey, Kermit, my main frog.
Kermit Yeah?
Floyd You planning to book that last act?
Kermit I doubt it.
Floyd Oh, fantastic. We'll take it.
Kermit Are you putting together a show?
Floyd No, a dinner!
Animal Yeah, soprano looked delicious!

Steve juggles

Scooter OK, chief. Next up is a guy you'll love. Remember Rambling Guy? Here's Juggling Guy.
Curtains open for Steve. The Muppets cheer. "Yeah! Yeah!"
Steve And now... And now it's time for a little juggling.
Muppets Whoo! Oh yeah.
Steve Okay, first of all, I start with the easy stuff. First of all I juggle one. (tosses an orange up and down) Now, two. (juggles two in one hand) Now, three. (moves the third orange up and down in conjunction with the juggled oranges)
208-23
The Muppets react accordingly, impressed or laughing.
Steve (juggling all three oranges) Under the leg. (tosses an orange behind him and catches it) Now, Fozzie, can you catch this?
Fozzie Yes.
Steve tosses him an orange.
Steve OK. Take it, toss it up in midair, OK?
Fozzie OK!
Fozzie tosses the orange on to the stage floor. Someone in the audience says "good throw, yeah." Steve goes to pick it up and a "squish" is heard.
Steve Oh no! (Holds up squashed orange) I've killed it! (Muppets laugh) Eugh... (groaning)
Enter the Swedish Chef, holding a juicer.
208-24
Swedish Chef (mock-Swedish) ...juicy-wuicy woo. Ya?
Steve and the Chef exit together, both speaking mock-Swedish.

The Flying Zucchini Brothers

Kermit Okay, very funny, very funny!
Fozzie Kermit, when you say "very funny," do you mean...?
Kermit Fozzie, listen, don't worry about it. Nobody is gonna lose their job.
Fozzie Ah! Oh, that's terrific.
Scooter Excuse me, Kermit. I got one last act back here. It's a human cannonball act, the Zucchini Brothers.
Curtains open, Zucchini Brothers take the stage.
Zucchini Brothers Hey! Hey! 
A Zucchini Brother is loaded into the cannon, protesting in mock-Italian.
Zucchini Brothers Hey, get-a the booma-booma. Hey! Hey! Push-a, push, push-a.
A Zucchini Brother lights the fuse.
Zucchini Brothers Lighta the booma-booma. Hey, hey!
They aim the cannon and wait for it to fire... 
208-25
Zucchini Brothers Hey! No booma-booma. No booma-booma!  Dud! Dud!
They leave the stage and the unfired cannon. Curtains close.

"Dueling Banjos "

Kermit Cut! Is that it, Scooter?
Explosion! The cannon fires the Zucchini Brother into the wall beside Statler and Waldorf's box.
Kermit Well, that's it. It's all over. What a night. Mm.
Enter Steve Martin with his banjo.
Steve Does that mean we can all go home?
Kermit Yeah, it sure does, Steve. Listen, I hope you're not mad that we canceled the show.
Steve Oh, no, just a little disappointed I didn't get to do the number I'd rehearsed with your jug band.
Kermit I didn't know you'd rehearsed a number.
Steve Oh, it was gonna be good, but no problem. Don't worry.
Kermit Yeah, well, I would have liked to have seen it.
Steve I knew he'd fall for it. Come on in, guys!
Lubbock Lou and the Jughuggers enter, "yee-haw"-ing.
Steve It goes a little bit like this.
208-26
Steve and the jugband play "Dueling Banjos," briefly accompanied by the Fazoobs and the All Food Glee Club. Gramps plays a fiddle solo.
Jughugger Ooh, get it, Gramps!
Near the end, the Zucchini Brothers light up their cannon again. Steve plays nervously.
Zucchini Brother Hey, it's another dud-a!
The gang finishes their song triumphantly, and the cannon goes off. The Zucchini Brother whizzes out the stage door.
All laughing and applauding.
Kermit Great ending, great ending! Very nice!

Goodnights

208-27
Kermit Well, you know, this is the time when I usually say the show is over. But it seems kind of silly since the show never actually begun. But if it had begun, I'd be saying, let's have a special thanks for Mr. Steve Martin!
Muppets (cheering)
Steve I can't tell you what a pleasure it's been for me not being on your show tonight.
Kermit And if there's anybody left watching, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Steve plays the theme song on his banjo as the credits roll.
Statler Well, that was different.
Waldorf Yep, lousy...
Both But different! (laugh)
ATV
THE END

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