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Episode 207: Edgar Bergen/transcript

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Cold open

Theme

Opening number

Backstage

Muppet newsflash

Gonzo's stunt

Backstage

Pigs in Space

UK spot

Fozzie's comedy act

"Time in a Bottle"

"Down at Papa Joe's"

Edgar and Charlie

Goodnights

Edgar Bergen. Twenty-five seconds to curtain, Mr. Bergen.

Oh, thank you. Did you hear that, Charlie?

I... I... I just can't believe my eyes. Did he go yet?

Yes, he just stuck his head in the door and left.

I don't mean him. I mean him.

Oh.

I just can't believe my eyes. A stick of wood that talks.

[Drumroll]

It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star Mr. Edgar Bergen.

[Applause, whistling]

  1. Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light
  1. Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight
  1. Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right
  1. Lt's time to get things started

- Maybe they'll be funny. - Wanna bet?

  1. Lt's time to get things started
  1. On the most sensational, inspirational
  1. Celebrational, Muppetational
  1. This is what we call The Muppet Show! #

[explosion]

[Applause]

Thank you. Thank you. Hello there and welcome again to The Muppet Show. We have two very special guests tonight, Mr. Edgar Bergen and Mr. Charlie McCarthy. We're also going to try to coax Mortimer Snerd into making an appearance. You see, Mortimer's a shy country boy. Mortimer, this opening number should make you feel right at home. Ready, girls?

[Applause]

[Clucking in melody to Baby Face]

[Squawks]

[Squawks]

[Squawks]

[Applause]

Now, why would they have a bunch of chickens sing Baby Face?

'Cause the alligators were sick.

That makes sense.

Yeah, OK, OK. I see what you mean about the dressing room. I'll see what I can do about having a coop built for you out back, OK? OK, OK, sure, right.

You have to treat the chickens pretty well. They've got a tough union.

Good grief! It's Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy!

Bergen, call the janitor. There's a toad loose in the theater.

Kermit is supposed to be here.

Yeah?

Yes, and besides, don't you know the difference between a frog and a toad?

I guess not, no.

Frogs are handsome, debonair and charming, while toads are ugly and give you warts.

I see. I guess that means the toad is supposed to be here.

Kermit, do forgive Charlie. I know that he can be difficult and trying.

I can be difficult without trying.

Yeah, I know you can.

I don't mind, Edgar, 'cause I always expect wisecracks from Charlie.

It's very good to have you here.

I'm sorry, I don't usually talk to frogs, you know.

Charlie, please.

Yeah, all right. Sometimes I have dinner with frogs though.

Oh, well, that's nice.

Yes, they're delicious.

That's not nice.

Well, make up your mind.

In fact, I once tried to race some frogs, see.

I'm not sure I want to hear this.

Well, you'll get it anyway. I was going to teach them to jump forwards and backwards. And that way they'd have hind legs on both ends, see. And I'd... I'd have the jump on everybody.

You don't know what you're saying.

Yes I do, Bergen. I can read your lips.

Oh.

That burns him up.

Charlie, it's really great to have you here. Just try to relax and act natural.

Well, I am acting natural.

Really? You look a little wooden to me. Ha-ha-ha.

If you're gonna do jokes like that, Bergen and I will feel right at home.

Yes, we will.

That's what we want.

Relaxed guests?

No, song cues.

Oh.

[# Consider Yourself]

No, thank you.

Not me.

So what? Who cares?

Not me. I'm driving.

Check.

Right.

Remember girls, an egg a day keeps the hatchet away.

Here's the bacon to go with the eggs.

Bergen, this isn't a television show, this is a zoo.

Oink-oink.

Cluck-cluck.

Here is a Muppets news flash. Dateline, The Muppet Show, an embarrassing situation developed today when the Muppet news reporter accidentally went on camera forgetting to put on his pants... Oh. Oh, good grief.

And now, in a feat of grand daring never before seen on this planet, the great Gonzo will attempt to wrestle a six-pound red brick while completely blindfolded.

Ahh.

Hiyah!

No.

Ahh.

Hiyah!

OK, put the Pigs in Space set onstage please.

Kermit, you promised me a welterweight brick.

Oh, yeah. Scooter, would you find Captain Hogthrob and tell him to stand by?

Check.

Kermit, where's the glue?

It's in the office. Where's Piggy?

Also, I need some string and some paint and do you have any black cloth.

Fozzie, I'm trying to run a show here.

I know, Kermit, but I'm on in a few minutes and my act's not ready.

Well, what act is that, Fozzie?

Well, you know how Edgar Bergen gets screams of laughter just by talking with Charlie McCarthy?

Yeah, so?

Me and Chucky'll knock 'em dead tonight.

There he goes, the dummy and his dummy.

And now, Pigs in Space! Starring the indomitable Captain Link Hogthrob, the flappable first mate Miss Piggy and the inexplicable Dr. Strangepork. As we left our heroes last time the spaceship Swinetrek was on the verge of a hideous catastrophe.

Dr. Strangepork, who can save us from this hideous catastrophe?

Captain, according to my records, the only person who's had the necessary training to save us is First Mate Piggy.

[Gasps] Oh, I am ready to do whatever is necessary to save the Swinetrek and her crew. I am at the service of all porkdom. What is my assignment?

Miss Piggy, you and you alone can operate the independent heating, slash, unifying element across the horizontal equalizing plane and save the entire crew of the Swinetrek.

Oh. I am ready, my captain.

Excellent. Bring in the equipment for Miss Piggy.

But what is this?

Well, surely you recognize the independent heating, slash, unifying element and the the horizontal equalizing plane.

You want me to do the laundry?

Well, of course. Nobody on the crew has had clean laundry for a week.

That is correct. We are all living like pigs.

An astute observation, doctor.

You wanna play a little touch football, toss the old pigskin around?

Right behind you, captain.

Oh, one more thing, Miss Piggy. A little less starch in the pajamas, OK?

Oh, yeah? Well, starch this, sausage snout! Hiyah!

[Announcer] Tune in again next time for another iron-fisted episode of Pigs in Space!

[# Show Me a Rose]

Excuse me, Mr. Bergen, could I come in and talk for a minute?

Of course you Can, Fozzie.

Oh, good.

And it's good to see you again. You know Mortimer Snerd of course.

Oh.

Well, of course I recognize this charming, handsome looking gentleman.

Yawww.

Ahhh.

He says the darnedest things.

Well, Mortimer, you know who he is, surely.

Oh, yeah. Hello, Shirley.

No, no, my name is Fozzie.

Yeah, that's right, Shirley Fozzie.

Listen, Mortimer, I didn't even know you were here.

Well, say, maybe I'm not here.

What?

Was I here yesterday?

Uh, no.

Well, then probably I'm not here today. I don't travel too much.

Listen, Mr. Bergen... Am I supposed to be here?

Of course.

You have to excuse Mortimer. He's a little bit slow.

Yeah, it's probably why I'm not here yet.

Wait, what do you mean, Mortimer?

Well, if I were faster I'd be here by now.

Listen, Mortimer, take my word for it. You are here.

Well, thank goodness. Are you through?

No, I'm here.

Yeah, all right.

Mortimer, haven't you any brains at all?

Well, well, not with me, no.

I'll ignore that. Fozzie, what can I do for you?

Oh, well, Mr. Bergen, see, my spot in the show is on in just a minute and I've decided to go out and do an act like yours.

Oh, well, our act is easy.

Yeah, I sit on the stage and talk and Bergen stands next to me and moves his lips.

There's one more thing. You must have comedy, you must have good jokes.

Jokes. Yeah.

Speaking of jokes... [chuckles] ...there's the funniest story going around.

What... what... Mortimer, what's the story going around.

Well, I don't know. It hasn't gotten around to me yet.

Ahhh. Boy, Mortimer, you are stupid.

Yeah, yeah. But I've made a success of it.

Excuse me, Mortimer. Fozzie, you're on.

Oh! Oh, I'm on! Oh, wish me luck, Mortimer.

Good luck.

Yeah, good luck.

[Chuckling] Oh, that Shirley is a nice fellow.

Oh.

OK, well, once again, it's time for everyone's semi-favorite funny man. Uh, or favorite semi-funny man or whatever. Uh, Fozzie has something new in mind for tonight so summon your courage and welcome if you will Mr. Fozzie Bear and friend.

Ahhh. Uh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It's Fozzie and Chucky time! Ahh! Um... [clears throat] Chucky, who was that lady I saw you with last night? This is funny. [Laughs nervously] Chucky, who was that lady I saw you with last night? All part of the act. [chuckles] Uh, hey, Chucky, moving right along... ...uh, Chucky, why do firemen wear red suspenders? [Whispering] Ha, ha, ha. OK, Chucky, listen. Uh, why'd the chicken cross the road? Why did the chicken cross the road, Chucky?! Say something! Anything!

Fozzie...

He won't talk to me!

There's something about ventriloquism that I think you should know.

What?

You see, Fozzie... Listen, Fozzie... [whispering]... it's the ventriloquism's who actually does the talking.

It doesn't?!

Yeah.

Really? no moving lips?

Nope.

OK, OK, I've got it now. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Uh, listen. Uh, Chucky, who was that lady I saw you with last night. [Mumbling indistinctly] That was no lady. That was my wife. Ahh! Oh, that's so funny! Oh, I love me! Yeah!

Hmm, actually, I spent the night alone.

[# Time in a Bottle]

Terrible.

Awful. I hated it.

Wonderful!

Spectacular.

I loved it.

Yeah, I loved it.

Edgar Bergen is a performer who means something very special to all of us on The Muppet Show, so it's really a thrill for me to say once again, here is Edgar Bergen and everybody's friend, Charlie McCarthy.

Well, Charlie, are you enjoying yourself on The Muppet Show?

Uh, yes, Bergen, I'm, uh... I'm enjoying myself, yes.

Well, that's nice.

Yes. I have to enjoy myself. There's nothing else to enjoy on this show. [chuckles]

What?

They're a bunch of weirdoes.

Oh, no, no, Charlie. It's not nice to say that. There's some wonderful folks on this show.

Yeah?

Yeah. Well, like Fozzie.

Well, he's a bear.

Yes.

Pure and simple.

Charlie.

Accent on "simple."

Yes.

No. You know, I think he's very nice. He's so cute and cuddly.

Yeah. You know what he reminds me of?

No, what?

Uh, you know, the floor in my den, it needs a rug.

It needs a rug. That's enough of that. I don't wanna hear any more about Fozzie.

Good. I'll talk about the frog.

No no. No, you won't. He is our host, Kermit is.

Yeah, that's right. You know what we used to do with frogs in biology class?

I don't want to hear about that.

No, no.

I'm surprised to hear you talking that way. What's the matter with you?

Well, if you must know, I'm... I'm lonesome.

Oh, you're lonesome. Oh, I should have guessed that, sure. You miss the companionship of a beautiful, gorgeous female.

Yeah.

Did someone call me?

She's here.

Yikes!

Don't look, now, Bergen, but somebody left the sty gate open.

Did you say something?

Yeah, well, I was, uh, I was talking to Bergen.

Mm-hm.

Yeah, he was just saying that he wanted to meet you.

Uh-huh. Didn't sound that way to me.

Me neither and I said it.

For your information, you overdressed splinter, my heart belongs to Kermit.

You, you're in love with a frog? [laughs]

What are you laughing at, mahogany mouth?

You know what we used to do with frogs?

No. You know what we used to do with wood?

No.

Chop it! Hiyah! Ow! Solid oak! Ah! Ah! Ah!

That's about it for another Muppet Show. Before we say goodbye, let's bring out our special guests one more time.

[Charlie] I'm not going out there if that pig is still there.

[Bergen] Don't be silly, Charlie.

Mr. Edgar Bergen and Mr. Charlie McCarthy!

Is that pig gone?

There's nobody out here but us frogs.

Oh, just frogs. Did I ever tell you what we did with frogs in biology class?

We're a little late, folks, but we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

He shouldn't have jumped. This show's not that bad.

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