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Episode 207: Edgar Bergen/transcript

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00:00:08 [Knocking]

00:00:09 Edgar Bergen. Twenty-five seconds to curtain, Mr. Bergen.

00:00:12 Oh, thank you. Did you hear that, Charlie?

00:00:14 I... I... I just can't believe my eyes. Did he go yet?

00:00:18 Yes, he just stuck his head in the door and left.

00:00:21 I don't mean him. I mean him.

00:00:24 Oh.

00:00:25 I just can't believe my eyes. A stick of wood that talks.

00:00:32 [Drumroll]

00:00:34 It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star Mr. Edgar Bergen.

00:00:38 [Applause, whistling]

00:00:53 # Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light

00:00:57 # Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

00:01:01 # Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right

00:01:05 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:07 - Maybe they'll be funny. - Wanna bet?

00:01:10 # Lt's time to get things started

00:01:11 # On the most sensational, inspirational

00:01:14 # Celebrational, Muppetational

00:01:16 # This is what we call The Muppet Show! #

00:01:23 [explosion]

00:01:28 [Applause]

00:01:30 Thank you. Thank you. Hello there and welcome again to The Muppet Show.

00:01:33 We have two very special guests tonight,

00:01:36 Mr. Edgar Bergen and Mr. Charlie McCarthy.

00:01:38 We're also going to try to coax Mortimer Snerd into making an appearance.

00:01:42 You see, Mortimer's a shy country boy.

00:01:45 Mortimer, this opening number should make you feel right at home.

00:01:48 Ready, girls?

00:01:50 [Applause]

00:01:54 [Clucking in melody to Baby Face]

00:02:09 [Squawks]

00:02:43 [Squawks]

00:03:18 [Squawks]

00:03:40 [Applause]

00:03:46 Now, why would they have a bunch of chickens sing Baby Face?

00:03:49 'Cause the alligators were sick.

00:03:52 That makes sense.

00:03:54 - [Clucking] - Yeah, OK, OK.

00:03:56 I see what you mean about the dressing room.

00:03:58 I'll see what I can do about having a coop built for you out back, OK?

00:04:02 - [Clucking] - OK, OK, sure, right.

00:04:05 You have to treat the chickens pretty well. They've got a tough union.

00:04:08 Good grief! It's Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy!

00:04:11 [Applause]

00:04:14 Bergen, call the janitor. There's a toad loose in the theater.

00:04:19 - Kermit is supposed to be here. - Yeah?

00:04:22 Yes, and besides, don't you know the difference between a frog and a toad?

00:04:26 I guess not, no.

00:04:27 Frogs are handsome, debonair and charming,

00:04:30 while toads are ugly and give you warts.

00:04:33 I see. I guess that means the toad is supposed to be here.

00:04:38 Kermit, do forgive Charlie.

00:04:40 I know that he can be difficult and trying.

00:04:43 I can be difficult without trying.

00:04:45 Yeah, I know you can.

00:04:47 I don't mind, Edgar, 'cause I always expect wisecracks from Charlie.

00:04:51 It's very good to have you here.

00:04:52 I'm sorry, I don't usually talk to frogs, you know.

00:04:56 - Charlie, please. - Yeah, all right.

00:04:59 Sometimes I have dinner with frogs though.

00:05:01 Oh, well, that's nice.

00:05:03 Yes, they're delicious.

00:05:05 That's not nice.

00:05:06 Well, make up your mind.

00:05:09 In fact, I once tried to race some frogs, see.

00:05:12 I'm not sure I want to hear this.

00:05:14 Well, you'll get it anyway.

00:05:16 I was going to teach them to jump forwards and backwards.

00:05:20 And that way they'd have hind legs on both ends, see.

00:05:23 And I'd... I'd have the jump on everybody.

00:05:27 You don't know what you're saying.

00:05:29 Yes I do, Bergen. I can read your lips.

00:05:32 Oh.

00:05:34 That burns him up.

00:05:36 Charlie, it's really great to have you here. Just try to relax and act natural.

00:05:41 Well, I am acting natural.

00:05:42 Really? You look a little wooden to me.

00:05:44 Ha-ha-ha.

00:05:47 If you're gonna do jokes like that, Bergen and I will feel right at home.

00:05:51 Yes, we will.

00:05:52 That's what we want.

00:05:53 Relaxed guests?

00:05:54 No, song cues.

00:05:56 Oh.

00:05:59 [# Consider Yourself]

00:06:05 No, thank you.

00:06:21 Not me.

00:06:24 So what? Who cares?

00:06:42 Not me. I'm driving.

00:06:46 Check.

00:06:50 Right.

00:06:59 [Clucking]

00:07:02 Remember girls, an egg a day keeps the hatchet away.

00:07:08 [Oinking]

00:07:11 Here's the bacon to go with the eggs.

00:07:21 Bergen, this isn't a television show, this is a zoo.

00:07:31 Oink-oink.

00:07:35 Cluck-cluck.

00:07:52 [Applause]

00:07:57 [Reporter] Here is a Muppets news flash.

00:08:00 Dateline, The Muppet Show, an embarrassing situation developed today

00:08:04 when the Muppet news reporter accidentally went on camera

00:08:07 forgetting to put on his pants...

00:08:12 Oh. [clears throat] Oh, good grief.

00:08:18 [Kermit] And now, in a feat of grand daring never before seen on this planet,

00:08:22 the great Gonzo will attempt to wrestle a six-pound red brick

00:08:26 while completely blindfolded.

00:08:28 - [Bell dings] - [Cheering]

00:08:30 [Gasping]

00:08:36 [Sniffs]

00:08:38 Ahh.

00:08:40 Hiyah!

00:08:43 No.

00:08:47 Ahh. [sniffing]

00:08:49 [Cackles]

00:08:53 Hiyah!

00:08:58 [Audience laughs]

00:09:06 OK, put the Pigs in Space set onstage please.

00:09:10 Kermit, you promised me a welterweight brick.

00:09:13 Oh, yeah.

00:09:14 Scooter, would you find Captain Hogthrob and tell him to stand by?

00:09:18 Check.

00:09:19 Kermit, where's the glue?

00:09:20 It's in the office. Where's Piggy?

00:09:22 Also, I need some string and some paint and do you have any black cloth.

00:09:26 Fozzie, I'm trying to run a show here.

00:09:28 I know, Kermit, but I'm on in a few minutes and my act's not ready.

00:09:33 Well, what act is that, Fozzie?

00:09:35 Well, you know how Edgar Bergen gets screams of laughter

00:09:39 just by talking with Charlie McCarthy?

00:09:41 Yeah, so?

00:09:46 Me and Chucky'll knock 'em dead tonight.

00:09:51 There he goes, the dummy and his dummy.

00:09:55 [Man] And now, Pigs in Space!

00:10:02 Starring the indomitable Captain Link Hogthrob,

00:10:07 the flappable first mate Miss Piggy

00:10:09 and the inexplicable Dr. Strangepork.

00:10:15 As we left our heroes last time

00:10:18 the spaceship Swinetrek was on the verge of a hideous catastrophe.

00:10:24 Dr. Strangepork, who can save us from this hideous catastrophe.

00:10:27 Captain, according to my records,

00:10:29 the only person who's had the necessary training to save us

00:10:33 is First Mate Piggy.

00:10:35 [Gasps] Oh, I am ready to do whatever is necessary

00:10:40 to save the Swinetrek and her crew.

00:10:43 I am at the service of all porkdom.

00:10:46 What is my assignment?

00:10:48 Miss Piggy,

00:10:49 you and you alone can operate the independent heating,

00:10:52 slash, unifying element across the horizontal equalizing plane

00:10:56 and save the entire crew of the Swinetrek.

00:10:58 Oh. I am ready, my captain.

00:11:02 Excellent. Bring in the equipment for Miss Piggy.

00:11:06 [Electronic tone]

00:11:11 But what is this?

00:11:13 Well, surely you recognize the independent heating,

00:11:16 slash, unifying element and the the horizontal equalizing plane.

00:11:22 You want me to do the laundry?

00:11:25 Well, of course. Nobody on the crew has had clean laundry for a week.

00:11:29 That is correct. We are all living like pigs.

00:11:32 An astute observation, doctor.

00:11:35 You wanna play a little touch football, toss the old pigskin around?

00:11:38 Right behind you, captain.

00:11:40 Oh, one more thing, Miss Piggy.

00:11:43 A little less starch in the pajamas, OK?

00:11:45 Oh, yeah? Well, starch this, sausage snout!

00:11:49 Hiyah!

00:11:52 [Announcer] Tune in again next time for another iron-fisted episode of

00:11:56 Pigs in Space!

00:12:07 [# Show Me a Rose]

00:13:59 [Applause]

00:14:04 Excuse me, Mr. Bergen, could I come in and talk for a minute?

00:14:07 - Of course you can, Fozzie. - Oh, good.

00:14:09 And it's good to see you again.

00:14:12 You know Mortimer Snerd of course.

00:14:14 Oh.

00:14:15 Well, of course I recognize this charming, handsome looking gentleman.

00:14:20 - Yawww. [chuckling] - Ahhh.

00:14:23 He says the darnedest things.

00:14:26 Well, Mortimer, you know who he is, surely.

00:14:29 Oh, yeah. Hello, Shirley.

00:14:32 No, no, my name is Fozzie.

00:14:34 Yeah, that's right, Shirley Fozzie.

00:14:36 [Chuckling] Listen, Mortimer, I didn't even know you were here.

00:14:41 Well, say, maybe I'm not here.

00:14:44 What?

00:14:45 Was I here yesterday?

00:14:47 Uh, no.

00:14:48 Well, then probably I'm not here today. I don't travel too much.

00:14:53 Listen, Mr. Bergen...

00:14:55 Am I supposed to be here.

00:14:56 Of course.

00:14:58 You have to excuse Mortimer. He's a little bit slow.

00:15:02 [Mortimer chuckling]

00:15:04 Yeah, it's probably why I'm not here yet.

00:15:08 Wait, what do you mean, Mortimer?

00:15:10 Well, if I were faster I'd be here by now.

00:15:13 Listen, Mortimer, take my word for it. You are here.

00:15:16 Well, thank goodness.

00:15:19 - Are you through? - No, I'm here.

00:15:20 Yeah, all right.

00:15:22 Mortimer, haven't you any brains at all?

00:15:24 Well, well, not with me, no.

00:15:27 I'll ignore that. Fozzie, what can I do for you?

00:15:31 Oh, well, Mr. Bergen, see, my spot in the show is on in just a minute

00:15:35 and I've decided to go out and do an act like yours.

00:15:39 Oh, well, our act is easy.

00:15:41 Yeah, I sit on the stage and talk

00:15:44 and Bergen stands next to me and moves his lips.

00:15:49 There's one more thing. You must have comedy, you must have good jokes.

00:15:53 Jokes. Yeah.

00:15:55 Speaking of jokes... [chuckles]

00:15:57 ...there's the funniest story going around.

00:16:00 What... what... Mortimer, what's the story going around.

00:16:05 Well, I don't know. It hasn't gotten around to me yet.

00:16:08 Ahhh. Boy, Mortimer, you are stupid.

00:16:12 Yeah, yeah. But I've made a success of it.

00:16:16 Excuse me, Mortimer. Fozzie, you're on.

00:16:18 Oh! Oh, I'm on!

00:16:20 Oh, wish me luck, Mortimer.

00:16:22 - Good luck. - Yeah, good luck.

00:16:24 [Chuckling] Oh, that Shirley is a nice fellow.

00:16:28 Oh.

00:16:32 OK, well, once again, it's time for everyone's semi-favorite funny man.

00:16:37 Uh, or favorite semi-funny man or whatever.

00:16:40 Uh, Fozzie has something new in mind for tonight

00:16:43 so summon your courage and welcome if you will Mr. Fozzie Bear and friend.

00:16:47 [Applause]

00:16:49 Ahhh.

00:16:52 Uh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

00:16:54 It's Fozzie and Chucky time! Ahh!

00:16:57 Um... [clears throat]

00:16:59 Chucky, who was that lady I saw you with last night?

00:17:03 This is funny.

00:17:07 [Laughs nervously]

00:17:08 Chucky, who was that lady I saw you with last night?

00:17:18 All part of the act. [chuckles]

00:17:20 Uh, hey, Chucky, moving right along...

00:17:24 ...uh, Chucky, why do firemen wear red suspenders?

00:17:29 [Whispering]

00:17:33 Ha, ha, ha. OK, Chucky, listen.

00:17:36 Uh, why'd the chicken cross the road?

00:17:41 Why did the chicken cross the road, Chucky?!

00:17:44 Say something! Anything!

00:17:48 - Fozzie... - He won't talk to me!

00:17:50 There's something about ventriloquism that I think you should know.

00:17:54 - What? - You see, Fozzie... Listen, Fozzie...

00:17:56 [whispering]... it's the ventriloquism's who actually does the talking.

00:18:00 - It doesn't?! - Yeah.

00:18:03 - Really? No moving lips? - Nope.

00:18:05 OK, OK, I've got it now. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:18:08 Uh, listen.

00:18:11 Uh, Chucky,

00:18:13 who was that lady I saw you with last night.

00:18:17 [Mumbling indistinctly] That was no lady. That was my wife.

00:18:21 Ahh!

00:18:22 Oh, that's so funny! Oh, I love me! Yeah!

00:18:29 Hmm, actually, I spent the night alone.

00:18:45 [# Time in a Bottle]

00:21:00 [Applause]

00:21:24 [Playing ragtime music]

00:21:35 [Clucking]

00:21:38 Terrible.

00:21:39 Awful. I hated it.

00:21:41 [Squawks]

00:21:43 - Wonderful! - Spectacular.

00:21:45 - I loved it. - Yeah, I loved it.

00:21:48 Edgar Bergen is a performer who means something very special

00:21:51 to all of us on The Muppet Show,

00:21:53 so it's really a thrill for me to say once again, here is Edgar Bergen

00:21:57 and everybody's friend, Charlie McCarthy.

00:21:59 [Applause]

00:22:03 Well, Charlie, are you enjoying yourself on The Muppet Show?

00:22:07 Uh, yes, Bergen, I'm, uh... I'm enjoying myself, yes.

00:22:11 - Well, that's nice. - Yes.

00:22:13 I have to enjoy myself.

00:22:15 There's nothing else to enjoy on this show. [chuckles]

00:22:19 - What? - They're a bunch of weirdoes.

00:22:21 Oh, no, no, Charlie. It's not nice to say that.

00:22:26 There's some wonderful folks on this show.

00:22:28 - Yeah? - Yeah. Well, like Fozzie.

00:22:30 - Well, he's a bear. - Yes.

00:22:32 - Pure and simple. - Charlie.

00:22:35 Accent on "simple."

00:22:37 Yes.

00:22:39 No. You know, I think he's very nice. He's so cute and cuddly.

00:22:42 Yeah. You know what he reminds me of?

00:22:45 No, what?

00:22:46 Uh, you know, the floor in my den, it needs a rug.

00:22:51 It needs a rug. That's enough of that.

00:22:53 I don't wanna hear any more about Fozzie.

00:22:55 Good. I'll talk about the frog.

00:22:57 No no. No, you won't.

00:22:59 - He is our host, Kermit is. - Yeah, that's right.

00:23:02 You know what we used to do with frogs in biology class?

00:23:05 - I don't want to hear about that. - No, no.

00:23:08 I'm surprised to hear you talking that way. What's the matter with you?

00:23:12 Well, if you must know, I'm... I'm lonesome.

00:23:16 Oh, you're lonesome. Oh, I should have guessed that, sure.

00:23:20 You miss the companionship of a beautiful, gorgeous female.

00:23:24 Yeah.

00:23:25 Did someone call me?

00:23:27 She's here.

00:23:29 Yikes!

00:23:32 Don't look, now, Bergen, but somebody left the sty gate open.

00:23:36 Did you say something?

00:23:38 Yeah, well, I was, uh, I was talking to Bergen.

00:23:42 Mm-hm.

00:23:43 Yeah, he was just saying that he wanted to meet you.

00:23:47 Uh-huh. Didn't sound that way to me.

00:23:49 Me neither and I said it.

00:23:52 For your information, you overdressed splinter,

00:23:56 my heart belongs to Kermit.

00:23:58 You, you're in love with a frog? [laughs]

00:24:02 What are you laughing at, mahogany mouth?

00:24:04 You know what we used to do with frogs?

00:24:07 No. You know what we used to do with wood?

00:24:09 - No. - Chop it!

00:24:11 Hiyah! Ow!

00:24:13 Solid oak! Ah! Ah! Ah!

00:24:20 That's about it for another Muppet Show.

00:24:23 Before we say goodbye, let's bring out our special guests one more time.

00:24:27 [Charlie] I'm not going out there if that pig is still there.

00:24:30 [Bergen] Don't be silly, Charlie.

00:24:32 Mr. Edgar Bergen and Mr. Charlie McCarthy!

00:24:34 [Applause, whistling]

00:24:36 - Is that pig gone? - There's nobody out here but us frogs.

00:24:39 Oh, just frogs. Did I ever tell you what we did with frogs in biology class?

00:24:43 We're a little late, folks, but we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

00:25:25 He shouldn't have jumped. This show's not that bad.

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