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Episode 207: Edgar Bergen/transcript

< Episode 207: Edgar Bergen

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Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter peers in.
Scooter Edgar Bergen! Twenty-five seconds to curtain, Mr. Bergen.
Edgar Oh, thank you. Did you hear that, Charlie?
Charlie McCarthy I... I... I just can't believe my eyes. Did he go yet?
Edgar Yes, he just stuck his head in the door and left.
Charlie McCarthy I don— I don't mean him. I mean him.
Edgar Oh.
207-1
Blue Frackle (shivering) I just can't believe my eyes. A stick of wood that talks.
Edgar and Charlie chuckle.

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Edgar Bergen!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Waldorf Maybe this week they'll be funny.
Statler Wanna bet?
207-2
Gonzo's horn lights up as the stage lights dim.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Hello there and welcome again to The Muppet Show. We have two very special guests tonight, Mr. Edgar Bergen and Mr. Charlie McCarthy. Uh, we're also going to try to coax Mortimer Snerd into making an appearance. You see, Mortimer's a shy country boy. Hey Mortimer, this opening number should make you feel right at home. Uh, ready, girls?
207-3
T.R. the Rooster conducts a chicken choir, who cluck out "Baby Face."
Waldorf Now, why would they have a bunch of chickens sing Baby Face?
Statler Because the alligators were sick.
Waldorf That makes sense.

Backstage

207-4
Kermit Yeah, OK, OK, yeah, well, I see what you mean about the dressing room. I'll see what I can do about having a coop built for you out back, OK? OK, OK, sure, right.
The chickens agree to this and disperse.
Kermit You have to treat the chickens pretty well, 'cause they've got a very tough union. — Good grief! It's Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy!
Applause.
Charlie McCarthy Bergen, call the janitor. There's a toad loose in the theater.
Edgar Charlie! Kermit is supposed to be here.
Charlie McCarthy Yeah?
Edgar Yes, and besides, don't you know the difference between a frog and a toad?
Charlie McCarthy I guess not, no.
Kermit Well, you see, frogs are handsome, debonair and charming, while toads are ugly and give you warts.
Charlie McCarthy I see, yes. I guess that means the toad is supposed to be here.
Edgar (chuckles) Kermit, do forgive Charlie. I know that he can be difficult and trying.
Charlie McCarthy Yeah — I can be difficult without trying.
Edgar Yeah, I know you can.
Kermit Uh, I don't mind, Edgar, 'cause I always expect wisecracks from Charlie. It's very good to have you here.
Charlie McCarthy Well, see, yeah, you know, I'm sorry, I don't usually talk to frogs, you know.
Edgar Now, Charlie, please.
Charlie McCarthy Yeah, all right. Sometimes I have dinner with frogs though.
Kermit Oh, well, that's nice.
Charlie McCarthy Yes, they're delicious.
Kermit Now that's not nice.
Charlie McCarthy Well, make up your mind.
Edgar (chuckles)
Charlie McCarthy In fact, I once tried to race some frogs, see.
Kermit I'm not sure I want to hear this.
Charlie McCarthy Well, you'll get it anyway. I was going to teach them to jump forwards and backwards. And that way they'd have hind legs on both ends, see. And I'd... I'd have the jump on everybody.
Edgar (chuckles) You don't know what you're saying.
Charlie McCarthy Yes I do, Bergen. I can read your lips.
Edgar Oh.
Charlie McCarthy (to Kermit) That burns him up. (laughs)
Kermit Hey, listen, Charlie, it's really great to have you here. Just uh, try to relax and act natural.
Charlie McCarthy Well, I am acting natural.
Kermit Really? You look a little wooden to me. (chuckles)
Charlie McCarthy If you're gonna do jokes like that, Bergen and I will feel right at home.
Edgar Yes, we will.
Kermit That's what we want.
Charlie McCarthy Relaxed guests?
Kermit No, song cues.
Charlie McCarthy Oh.
Cue the music.
Kermit Consider yourself at home.
Uncle Deadly Consider yourself one of the family.
Charlie McCarthy No, thank you.
They are joined by Gonzo, Scooter, Janice and Fozzie.
MuppetsConsideryourself
Muppets

We've taken to you so strong.
It's clear we're going to get along.
Consider yourself well in.

Kermit Consider yourself part of the furniture.
Charlie McCarthy Not me.
Muppets There isn't a lot to spare.
Charlie McCarthy So what? Who cares?
Muppets What ever we have we'll share!
Fozzie

If it should chance to be we should see some harder days,
Empty larder days …

Scooter Why grouse?
Muppets

Always a chance we'll meet somebody to foot the bill,
Then the drinks are on the house!

Charlie McCarthy Not me. I'm driving.
Muppets Consider yourself our mate.
Charlie McCarthy Check.
Muppets We don't want to have no fuss.
Charlie McCarthy Right.
Muppets

For after some consideration, we can state,
Consider yourself one of us!

The chickens enter the area.
Charlie McCarthy Remember girls, an egg a day keeps the hatchet away.
The chickens laugh and exit. Enter the pigs, oinking.
Charlie McCarthy Here's the bacon to go with the eggs.
The pigs laugh and exit. Enter some Muppet monsters.
Charlie McCarthy Bergen, this isn't a television show, this is a zoo.
207-5
Muppets (cheering)

Consider yourself our mate.

Charlie McCarthy Oink-oink.
Muppets We don't want to have no fuss.
Charlie McCarthy Cluck-cluck.
Muppets

For after some consideration, we can state,
Consider yourself … (Consider yourself) …
Consider yourself … (Consider yourself) …
Consider yourself … one of us!

Applause.


Muppet newsflash

Newsman Here is a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Dateline, The Muppet Show — an embarrassing situation developed today when the Muppet news reporter accidentally went on camera forgetting to put on his pants... (looks down) Oh. Ahem. Oh, good grief.
207-6

Gonzo's stunt

Open on Gonzo and a brick in a boxing ring.
Kermit (announcing) And now, in a feat of grand daring never before seen on this planet, the great Gonzo will attempt to wrestle a six-pound red brick while completely blindfolded.
Gonzo breathes, mentally preparing himself. He sniffs around, detects the brick, grabs it, and immediately goes down. The audience laughs at him.
Gonzobrick

Backstage

Kermit (through the intercom) OK, put the Pigs in Space set onstage please.
Gonzo Kermit, you promised me a welterweight brick! (pants)
Kermit Uh, yeah. (walks away) Scooter! Would you find Captain Hogthrob and tell him to stand by?
Scooter Check.
Fozzie Uh, Kermit, where's the glue?
Kermit Uh, well, it's in the office. Where's Piggy?
Fozzie Oh, also, I need some string and some paint, and do you have any black cloth?
Kermit Uh, Fozzie, I'm trying to run a show around here.
Fozzie (whimpering) Oh, I know, Kermit, but you see, I'm on in a few minutes and my act's not ready.
Kermit Uh, well, what act is that, Fozzie?
Fozzie Oh, well, you know uh, how Edgar Bergen gets screams of laughter just by talking with Charlie McCarthy?
Kermit Uh, yeah, so?
207-7
Fozzie reveals the makeshift dummy he's working on.
Fozzie Me and Chucky'll knock 'em dead tonight! (departs)
Kermit There he goes, the dummy and his dummy.

Pigs in Space

Vehicle.Swinetrek
Announcer And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! Starring the indomitable Captain Link Hogthrob … the flappable first mate Miss Piggy … and the inexplicable Dr. Strangepork. As we left our heroes last time, the spaceship Swinetrek was on the verge of a hideous catastrophe.
Link Hogthrob Dr. Strangepork, who can save us from this hideous catastrophe?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Captain, according to my records, the only person who's had the necessary training to save us is First Mate Piggy.
Miss Piggy (gasp) Oh, I am ready to do whatever is necessary to save the Swinetrek and her crew. I am at the service of all porkdom. What is my assignment?
Link Hogthrob Miss Piggy, you and you alone can operate the independent heating / unifying element across the horizontal equalizing plane and save the entire crew of the Swinetrek.
Miss Piggy Oh? I am ready, my captain.
Link Hogthrob Excellent. (through the intercom) Bring in the equipment for Miss Piggy.
Two crew pigs wheel in an ironing board.
Miss Piggy But what is this?
Link Hogthrob Well, surely you recognize the independent heating / unifying element and the the horizontal equalizing plane.
Pigsinspace207
Miss Piggy You want me to do the laundry?!
Link Hogthrob Well, of course. Nobody on the crew has had clean laundry for a week.
Dr. Julius Strangepork That is correct. We are all living like pigs.
Link Hogthrob An astute observation, doctor. Hey, what say, you wanna play a little touch football, toss the old pigskin around?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Right behind you, captain.
They prepare to exit.
Link Hogthrob Oh, one more thing, Miss Piggy. A little less starch in the pajamas, OK?
Miss Piggy Oh, yeah? Well, starch this, sausage snout! Hi-YAH!
She almost karate-chops him, but the steel doors shut, leaving her shaken from the impact.
Announcer Tune in again next time for another iron-fisted episode of PIGS… IN… SPACE!

UK spot

207-8
Rowlf the Dog sings the Groucho Marx song "Show Me a Rose."

Dressing room

Fozzie enters and sees Edgar and Mortimer Snerd.
Fozzie Excuse me, Mr. Bergen, could I come in and talk for a minute?
Edgar Well, of course you can, Fozzie.
Fozzie Oh, good. (shuts the door)
Edgar And it's good to see you again. Uh, you know Mortimer Snerd of course.
Fozzie Oh. Well, of course! I recognize this charming, handsome looking gentleman.
Mortimer Snerd (blushes) Yawww.
Fozzie Ahhh.
Mortimer Snerd (guffaws) He says the darnedest things.
Edgar Well, Mortimer, you know who he is, surely.
Mortimer Snerd Oh, yeah. Hello, Shirley.
Fozzie No, no, my name is Fozzie.
Mortimer Snerd Yeah, that's right, Shirley Fozzie.
Fozzie (chuckles) Listen, Mortimer, I didn't even know you were here.
Mortimer Snerd Well, say, maybe I'm not here.
Fozzie What?
Mortimer Snerd Was I here yesterday?
Fozzie Uh, no.
Mortimer Snerd Well, then probably I'm not here today. I don't travel too much, y'know.
Fozzie Listen, Mr. Bergen...
Mortimer Snerd Am I supposed to be here?
Fozzie Well, of course!
Mortimer Snerd Aww…
Edgar You'll have to excuse Mortimer. He's a little bit slow.
Mortimer Snerd (guffaws) Yeah, it's probably why I'm not here yet.
207-9
Fozzie Wait, what do you mean, Mortimer?
Mortimer Snerd Well, if I were faster I'd be here by now.
Edgar Listen, Mortimer, take my word for it. You are here.
Mortimer Snerd Well, thank goodness.
Edgar Are you through?
Mortimer Snerd No, I'm here.
Edgar Yeah, all right. Mortimer, haven't you any brains at all?
Mortimer Snerd Well, well, not with me, no.
Edgar I'll ignore that. Fozzie, what can I do for you?
Fozzie Oh! Oh, well, Mr. Bergen, see, my spot in the show is on in just a minute, and I've decided to go out and do an act like yours.
Edgar Oh, well, our act is easy.
Fozzie Oh?
Mortimer Snerd Yeah, I sit on the stage and talk, and, and Bergen stands next to me and, uh, moves his lips here.
Edgar There's one more thing. You must have comedy, you must have good jokes.
Fozzie Oh. Jokes. Yeah.
Mortimer Snerd Speaking of jokes... (guffaws) ... there's the funniest story going around.
Fozzie (giggling) What... what... Mortimer, what's the story going around.
Mortimer Snerd Well, I don't know. It hasn't gotten around to me yet.
Fozzie Ahhh. Boy, Mortimer, you are stupid.
Mortimer Snerd Yeah, yeah. But I've made a success of it.
Scooter Excuse me, Mortimer. Fozzie, you're on.
Fozzie Oh! Oh! Oh, I'm on! Oh, wish me luck, Mortimer. (exits)
Edgar Good luck.
Mortimer Snerd Yeah, good luck. (guffaws) Oh, that Shirley is a nice fellow.
Edgar (groans)

Fozzie's comedy act

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit OK, well, once again, it's time for everyone's, uh, semi-favorite funny man. Uh, or favorite semi-funny man, or whatever. Uh, Fozzie has something new in mind for tonight, so summon your courage and welcome if you will, Mr. Fozzie Bear and friend.
Fonzie's fanfare plays as he enters with his dummy, Chucky.
Fozzie Ahhh. Uh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It's Fozzie and Chucky time! Ahh! Um... Ahem. Uh, Chucky, hey, heh, who was that lady I saw you with last night? This is funny.
Pause. Nothing happens. He laughs sheepishly.
Fozzie Uh, heh, Chucky, who was that lady I saw you with last night?
Pause. Nothing happens. He shakes the dummy, whose hat falls off.
Fozzie All part of the act. Ha ha ha. Uh, hey, Chucky, heh, uh, moving right along, ha ha ... uh, Chucky, why do firemen wear red suspenders?
He mumbles the question into the dummy's ear. Pause. Nothing happens.
Fozzie Ha, ha, ha. OK, Chucky, listen. Uh, why does the chicken cross the road?
Pause. Nothing happens. He shakes the dummy.
Fozzie Why did the chicken cross the road, Chucky?! Say something! Anything!
He breaks off Chucky's arm.
Kermit Uh, uh, Fozzie...
Fozzie He won't talk to me!
207-10
Kermit Yeah, well, listen. There's something about ventriloquism that I think you should know.
Fozzie What?
Kermit You see, Fozzie... Listen, Fozzie... (whispers) it's the ventriloquist who actually does the talking. (whispers some more)
Fozzie He doesn't?!
Kermit Yes.
Fozzie Really? no moving lips?
Kermit Nope. (exits)
Fozzie OK, OK, I've got it now. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Uh, listen. Ahem! Uh, Chucky, heh, who was that lady I saw you with last night? (as Chuckie) "That was no lady. That was my wife."
Applause.
Fozzie (as himself) Ahh! Oh, that's so funny! Oh, I love me! Yeah, yeah!
He exits the stage, leaving Chucky behind. The fanfare plays, and Chucky comes to life on his own.
Chucky Hmm, actually, I spent the night alone. (turns his head left and right)

"Time in a Bottle"

207-11
A scientist sings "Time in a Bottle," gradually growing younger as he creates different potions. Finally, at the end, he explodes, returning him to his original age.

"Down at Papa Joe's"

207-12
Chickens play "Down at Papa Joe's" on the piano.
Waldorf Terrible.
Statler Awful. I hated it.
207-13
A giant chicken appears behind them, roaring.
Waldorf Wonderful!
Statler Spectacular.
Waldorf I loved it.
Statler Yeah, I loved it.

Edgar and Charlie

Kermit Uh, Edgar Bergen is a performer who means something very special to all of us on The Muppet Show, so it's really a thrill for me to say, once again, here is Edgar Bergen and everybody's friend, Charlie McCarthy.
The curtain opens.
Edgar Well, Charlie, are you enjoying yourself on The Muppet Show?
Charlie McCarthy Uh, yes, Bergen, I'm, uh... I'm enjoying myself, yes.
Edgar Well, that's nice.
207-14
Charlie McCarthy Yes. I have to enjoy myself. There's nothing else to enjoy on this show. (chuckles)
Edgar What?
Charlie McCarthy They're a bunch of weirdoes.
Edgar Oh, no, no, Charlie. That's not — it's not nice to say that.
Charlie McCarthy Yeah?
Edgar Why, there's some wonderful folks on this show.
Charlie McCarthy Yeah?
Edgar Yeah. Well, like Fozzie.
Charlie McCarthy Well, he's a bear.
Edgar Yes.
Charlie McCarthy Pure and simple.
Edgar Charlie.
Charlie McCarthy Accent on "simple."
Edgar (chuckles) Yes. No. You know, I think he's very nice. He's so cute and cuddly.
Charlie McCarthy Yeah. You know what he reminds me of?
Edgar No, what?
Charlie McCarthy Uh, you know, the floor in my den, it needs a rug.
Edgar It needs a rug. That's enough of that, Charlie. I don't wanna hear any more about Fozzie.
Charlie McCarthy Good. I'll talk about the frog.
Edgar No, no. No, you won't. He is our host, Kermit is.
Charlie McCarthy Yeah, that's right.
Edgar Yes.
Charlie McCarthy You know what we used to do with frogs in biology class?
Edgar I don't want to hear about that.
Charlie McCarthy No, no.
Edgar I'm surprised to hear you talking that way. What's the matter with you, Charlie?
Charlie McCarthy Well, if you must know, I'm uh… I'm lonesome.
Edgar Oh, you're lonesome.
Charlie McCarthy Yep.
Edgar Oh, I should have guessed that, sure. You — you miss the companionship of a beautiful, gorgeous female.
Charlie McCarthy Yeah, yeah.
Miss Piggy Did someone call me?
Edgar She's here.
207-15
Charlie hyperventilates. He faces Piggy and yelps.
Charlie McCarthy Don't look, now, Bergen, but somebody left the sty gate open.
Miss Piggy Did you say something?
Charlie McCarthy Yeah, well, I was, uh, I was talking to Bergen. That's what I was doing…
Miss Piggy Mm-hm.
Edgar Yeah, he was, uh, he was just saying that he wanted to meet you.
Miss Piggy Uh-huh. Didn't sound that way to me.
Charlie McCarthy Well, me neither, and I said it.
Miss Piggy For your information, you overdressed splinter, my heart belongs to Kermit.
Charlie McCarthy You, you're in love with a frog? (laughs)
Edgarbergenpiggy
Miss Piggy What are you laughing at, mahogany mouth?
Charlie McCarthy You know what we used to do with frogs?
Miss Piggy No. You know what we used to do with wood?
Charlie McCarthy No.
Miss Piggy Chop it! Hi-YAH! (karate-chops him) Ow! Solid oak! (screams in pain)
Applause.

Goodnights

Kermit Okay, well, that's about it for another Muppet Show. But before we say goodbye, let's bring out our special guests one more time.
Charlie McCarthy (off-stage) I'm not going out there if that pig is still there.
Edgar (off-stage) Don't be silly, Charlie.
Kermit Mr. Edgar Bergen and Mr. Charlie McCarthy!
Applause.
207-16
Charlie McCarthy Is that pig gone?
Kermit Uh, no. There's nobody out here but us frogs.
Charlie McCarthy Oh, just frogs. Did I ever tell you what we did with frogs in biology class?
Kermit Uh, uh, we're a little late, folks, but we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
Waldorf sits alone in the balcony. He looks down.
Waldorf (to viewer) He shouldn't have jumped. This show's not that bad.
ATV
THE END

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