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Episode 206: Nancy Walker/transcript

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Cold open

Theme

Opening act

Backstage

Luncheon counter

Backstage

Veterinarian's Hospital At the Dance

Backstage

UK spot

Birds

Dressing room

Editorial

Dressing room

Backstage

"They Can't Take That Away from Me"

Goodnights

Nancy Walker, 13 seconds to curtain. Stand by, Miss Walker.

Are you kidding, stand by? I can't even stand up!

It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Miss Nancy Walker.

[Applause]

  1. Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light
  1. Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight
  1. Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right
  1. Lt's time to get things started

Hurry up, they're starting.

  1. Lt's time to get things started
  1. On the most sensational, inspirational
  1. Celebrational, Muppetational
  1. This is what we call The Muppet Show! #

[gunshot]

[Gunshot]

But I can't. I don't know what to do.

He said it was up to you.

[Groans]

Oh, hello. Hiya, hiya, hiya. Hey, uh... Maybe you can tell that I am not, uh, Kermit the frog. You see, just moments ago Kermit went home. He's not feeling very well. Uh, so he left me in charge.

Oh no, did you hear that? I wonder how sick the frog is?

Well, if he put the bear in charge, he's very sick.

Give me a break, guys, huh? Uh, look, we'll still have a great time tonight, because I know exactly what to do. Uh... talk about Nancy Walker. Oh yeah, oh yeah. Uh... [clears throat] Tonight's wonderful guest star is the very talented lady of song and comedy, Miss Nancy Walker.

Now what?

Introduce the opening number.

Introduce the... Oh, yeah. Uh, here is the opening number!

Leave the stage!

Oh, yeah, yeah. Be gentle, I'm new at this.

[Shouting military commands]

[Yelling gibberish]

[Shouting gibberish]

Oh, for once we got a blast out of something on this show.

Yeah, but how do you dig a foxhole in a theatre box?

Oh, boy. You'll be OK.

Oh, I hope the damage wasn't too bad.

Hey, Fozzie. Kermit's on the phone. He wants to talk to you.

Oh, oh, thanks Scooter.

You nervous with all your new responsibility?

Ha! Me, nervous? Are you kidding? Hello. Hmm? Wha...? Oh! Oh, hello, Kermit. Oh, hi. Yeah. Uh, the opening? Oh, great, yeah. Everybody got a, uh, big bang out of it. Mmm. Huh? Oh, don't worry about Nancy Walker. I'll give her a classy introduction. Sure, sure, sure. Everything's under control.

Hey Fozzie. Fozzie, what's on stage next?

I don't know. What's on stage now?

Nothing.

Nothing's on stage?!

Nothing out front either. The audience is leaving.

The audience... The aud... The... Wait, wait, please wait. Oh. Come back, please, everybody! We have a lot more show left, honest.

[Chattering]

Oh. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Yeah, listen. You'll love this next part. Yeah. It's guest star time, ah! And we have for you the incredibly talented, unforgettable... The unforgettable... I forgot!

[Both] Nancy Walker!

Of course! Here she is, Miss Nancy Walker in... Wait a minute. I'm in this next sketch. Uh, Scooter!

What, what?

Uh, fill, fill.

Well, what should I say?

Ah, whatever. I gotta go put my costume on.

But, but... Oh, hi everybody. Uh, uh... Listen. I'm selling magazine subscriptions to win a skateboard at school, and, uh, I was wondering if I could interest anybody out there in 71 issues of Field and Farmer for only five…

All right, Scooter, all right. Enough, I'm ready.

Oh, uh... Well, then, uh... Then here's Nancy Walker... I guess.

Oh. Hello, and uh, what can I do for you today?

I'd like a menu, some water... and a whip.

Don't worry, his bark is worse than his bite.

If he barks, I'm leaving. One water coming up.

[Gulps]

Uh... [clears throat] Where's the glass?

What glass?

"What glass?" I asked you first.

Uh, look, I put a glass right here.

I'll fess up. I ate it.

It's gonna be one of those days.

[Humming]

Now wait a minute. What is going on here?

What's the matter?

What'd you do, break it? Where's the pitcher?

What pitcher?

"What pitcher?" She asked you first.

You stay out Of this. Now look, I know I put a pitcher right here.

Maybe you just think you did.

I don't think, I know.

I don't think you know either.

[Sighs]

Look, all I know is that I put a pitcher and a second glass of water here. And now the second glass is gone?!

[Nancy] Do me a favor, just get the menu back here please.

[Fozzie] I didn't take the menu away!

[Groans]

Listen... I can understand somebody swiping two glasses and a pitcher, but will you tell me two things?

What?!

Who would take a menu, and why is the air conditioning being turned on in December?

You know what I think? Mm-hmm. I think you're right.

Come here.

[Whispering]

Worth a try. [Clears throat]

Hey, uh, hand me that tray of stuff there, will you, cook?

[Mock Swedish]

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

[Humming]

Hey, look at the time, I gotta go wax the oven.

Oh. Well, I'd better go paint the garage.

[Glass clattering, breaking]

[Both] Gotcha!

A-ha! You don't think we know what you're doing, huh?

Yeah!

Yeah, we saw you. We know exactly what you're doing!

You bet!

You're hogging the whole place for yourself.

Give me a bite.

What?!

You ever tried any of this?

Mmm. This is good.

Everybody eats.

Yeah, boy, that Nancy Walker's a great actress, isn't she?

Yeah, but I wouldn't want to take her to dinner.

Hey Kermit, Fozzie's really doing a terrific job with the show tonight. Oh, the opening number was sensational. Oh, those holes in the theatre will be easy to fix. And you should have seen the way he got the audience to come back after they started to leave.

Hey, Gonzo! What are you doing to me?

I was only trying to tell Kermit what a great job you're doing.

I'll tell him. I'll tell him! Give me the phone!

All right!

All right! All right, At The Dance everybody. Oh, hi, Kermit. Listen, I got to make an introduction. I'll be right back and explain everything. Oh, boy! Oh.

Hello, Kermie, is that you? Oh, Kermie, I was just going to call you. Yes. I'm dedicating the Veterinarian's Hospital sketch to you. [Kisses] Love of my life. Au revoir.

Hey, Piggy, we can't do the hospital sketch. Fozzie just introduced At The Dance.

At the Dance?

Mm-hmm.

I promised Kermit the hospital sketch. And that is what we're going to do!

OK, but we better get out there. The sketch is starting.

[Announcer] And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who has gone to the dogs.

Dr. Bob, what is this man suffering from?

Uh... I don't know, maybe it's rumbatism.

Oh. Do you come here often?

Mmm, only to have my appendix out.

Wow, Dr. Bob, there are dancers in this operating room. What should we do?

What else? The foxtrot.

Dr. Bob! This is an operating room.

We've got to be serious now.

Why? We've never been serious before.

Are you the doctor?

That's what I tell people.

Well, would you remove a large growth from my toe?

Sure, what is it?

Him.

[All laughing]

Hey, by the way. How come we're dancing in an operating room?

Because. Although the song will soon be over, the malady lingers on.

[Announcer] And so, Dr. Bob has gone to the dance. Tune in next week and hear Miss Piggy say...

This sketch is a disaster, Dr. Bob. What should we do?

What else? A big finish.

Oh, I don't believe that. Oh, Scooter, the show is falling apart. I practically blow up the theatre, then the audience starts to leave, and now two sketches go on at the same time. Oh, boy.

Way to go, bear!

[Groans] Oh, Scooter, what else can go wrong?

Well, the crew's talking about quitting.

What?

You know, the stage hand, the prop man, the lighting man. I think you'd better talk to them.

Well, all right. Who do you think I should talk to first?

Maybe you better start with the lighting man.

I think you're right. Harvey!

Aaah!

[Applause]

[# My Old Dutch]

[Both sobbing]

[Chirping]

[Whistling]

[Chirping]

[Clucking]

[Cooing]

[Calling]

[Quacking]

[Screeching]

[All harmonizing]

[Clamoring]

Hey, I just wanna tell you, I know the show has been a little shaky, but I've got everything under control now, Miss Walker.

Miss who?

Oh, Walker, isn't that right?

Oh, yeah. Come on, I was only kidding. Anyway, the show isn't that bad.

It isn't?

No, I mean look, the audience liked it. They all came back, they stayed.

Yeah.

Very clever of you to lock the doors.

[Sighs] That's cruelty to bears.

Listen, as for the, uh, sketches being done at the same time. Do you know how many times I've seen that done?

How many? How many?

Never!

You know what I do when things don't go right?

No.

[# Pick Yourself Up]

Yeah, but...

[kisses]

Oh, oh, thank you, thank you, Miss Walker.

I feel terrific now.

Well, I'm glad you're happy.

Yeah.

But listen.

Hmm?

That's just a song. Your show's in a lot of trouble.

[Trumpets playing]

[Clears throat]

I would just like to say a few words about nudity in the world today. And I, for one, am just appalled by it. Why, did you know that underneath their clothing, the entire population of the world is walking around completely naked?! Hmm? Is that disgusting? And it's not just people, although, goodness knows, that's bad enough. But animals too. Even cute little doggies and pussycats can't be trusted. Underneath their fur, absolutely naked! [Grunts] And it's not just the quadrupeds either! Birds, too! Yes. Beneath those fine feathers, birds wear nothing. Nothing at all! Abs...

Well, how do you feel about nudity?

Well, personally, it always left me cold.

Miss Walker, I was wondering if I could borrow your hairbrush.

Of course, sweetheart. Come in.

Oh, thank you so much. You know, I certainly do appreciate this, Miss Walker.

Oh, just call me Nancy.

Oh, I knew it. I just knew you'd be nice.

Why? 'Cause I let you use my hairbrush? Big deal.

No, no, because of those parts you play on television. I just knew you'd be an overly considerate, protective, mother-type person. I just knew it.

Uh, well, I'll tell you the truth, I'm no more protective of people than anybody else. I mean, that mother thing is an act.

Oh?

Hi. Oh, hello, Kermit.

Oh, Kermie, my Kermie. He's sick.

You're sick? Oh. Well, listen Kermit, here's what I want you to do. I want you to drink lots of liquids. No, don't eat anything. Starve a fever, feed a cold, right? Get into bed, turn the electric blanket way up high, and I'll be right over with some chicken soup. Listen, what have you got? Flu? What kind?

Oh, dear.

No kidding, that's the worst.

Oh, no.

He's got swine flu.

Swine flu?! Take... Take this, frog!

Hiyah!

I think we have kind of a bad connection here.

[Miss Piggy shouts]

[Groans]

Hey Fozzie, it's time to introduce Nancy Walker's musical number.

Oh, Scooter, you do it. I can't go out on stage again. I'm too ashamed. Everything's gone wrong.

Well, maybe this will cheer you up.

Why, what is this, what is this?

Well, just read it.

Oh, all right. "Dear Fozzie, I just want to tell you what a pleasure it was to work with you on your show. You're really terrific. The frog's been holding you back. Nancy Walker." Aww.

You ready to do the introduction now?

Oh, I sure am. I feel great. [Kisses]

There. You can read it if you want to.

I don't have to read it. I wrote it.

Hey, and now, ladies and gentlemen, I take great pride in presenting our wonderful guest star...

Psst, Fozzie, don't forget her name this time.

Gonzo, I will not forget her name.

It's Nancy Walker.

I know it's Nancy Walker.

That's "Nancy". Rhymes with "fancy."

I know, I know.

"Walker," rhymes with "talker."

Gonzo, I have it.

And it's "Nancy Walker," not "Fancy Talker."

Gonzo, I know the guest star's name is Nancy Walker. I remember Nancy Walker. I will not forget the name.

OK.

You forgot to introduce her.

Aaaah!

[# They Can't Take That Away From Me]

Uh, yeah, well everybody, I mean, what can I say? Uh, you know, it's not been much of a show, and, uh, you've probably had a lousy time. And Kermit will probably fire me.

You're fired.

Kermit, what are you doing here?

Well, I figured Nancy Walker deserved at least one decent introduction.

Oh, Kermit, I'm so glad to see you. [Kissing]

OK, OK, OK, you're hired again.

Ahh.

Let me just do the introduction. Ladies and gentlemen, a big round of applause for Miss Nancy... [sneezes]

Ah! You blew it too. It's Nancy Walker!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen, Kermit. Don't worry about a thing.

I had a wonderful time.

Oh, yeah?

It was nice working with what's his name... the bear.

OK, we'll see you all next time on... [sneezes] Ah, goodbye everybody. Yeah.

Wonderful, I loved it.

Who was your favorite?

Who else? The frog.

mmm.

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