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Episode 206: Nancy Walker/transcript

< Episode 206: Nancy Walker

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Cold open

The guest star's dressing room. Scooter enters.
Scooter Nancy Walker, 13 seconds to curtain! Stand by, Miss Walker!
Nancy Walker Are you kidding, stand by? I can't even stand up!
Timmy Monster is pinning her to the ground.
206-1

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Miss Nancy Walker!
The curtain opens and the theme begins.
Statler and Waldorf enter their box late.
Waldorf Hurry up, they're starting!
206-2
Gonzo's trumpet fires off two gunshots.

Opening act

Fozzie enters the main stage, talking to someone offstage.
Fozzie But I can't! I don't know what to do!
Scooter pokes through the back curtain.
Scooter He said it was up to you. (leaves)
206-3
Fozzie (groans, then notices the audience) Oh, oh! Hiya, hiya, hiya! Hey, uh... Maybe you can tell that I am not, uh, Kermit the Frog. You see, just moments ago Kermit went home. He's not feeling very well. Uh, so he left me in charge.
Statler Oh no, did you hear that? I wonder how sick the frog is.
Waldorf Well, if he put the bear in charge, he's very sick.
Fozzie Give me a break, guys, huh? Uh, look, we'll still have a great time tonight, because I know exactly what to do... Uh...
Silence as he realizes he does not. Scooter peeks through the back curtain again.
Scooter (stage whispering) Talk about Nancy Walker!
Fozzie Oh yeah, oh yeah. Uh... (clears throat) Tonight's wonderful guest star is the very talented lady of song and comedy, Miss Nancy Walker. (to the curtain) Now what?
Scooter Introduce the opening number.
Fozzie Introduce the... Oh, yeah. Uh, here is the opening number! (freezes)
Scooter Leave the stage!
Fozzie Oh, yeah, yeah. Be gentle, I'm new at this.
206-4
Crazy Harry and a troop of Whatnot soldiers blow up houses, trees and airplanes to the tune of "Night Train." They blow a hole in the wall beside Statler and Waldorf's balcony.
Statler Oh, for once we got a blast out of something on this show.
Waldorf Yeah, but how do you dig a foxhole in a theater box?

Backstage

Fozzie comforts a Whatnot soldier being carried offstage in a stretcher. Scooter is at Kermit's desk.
Fozzie Oh, boy... You'll be OK. Oh, I hope the damage wasn't too bad.
Scooter Hey, Fozzie?
Fozzie Hm?
Scooter Kermit's on the phone. He wants to talk to you.
Fozzie Oh, oh, thanks a lot, Scooter.
Scooter You nervous with all your new responsibility?
Fozzie Ha! Me, nervous? Are you kidding?
Scooter leaves. Fozzie holds the phone rest to his ear.
Fozzie Hello? Hmm? Wha...? Oh! (realizes, picks up the real phone) Oh, hello, Kermit. Oh, hi. Yeah. Uh, the opening? Oh, great, yeah. Everybody got a, uh, big bang out of it. Mmm. Huh? Oh, don't worry about Nancy Walker. I'll give her a classy introduction. Sure, sure, sure. Everything's under control.
Enter Gonzo.
206-5
Gonzo Hey Fozzie.
Fozzie Hm?
Gonzo Fozzie, what's on stage next?
Fozzie I don't know. What's on stage now?
Gonzo Nothing.
Fozzie Nothing's on stage?!
Gonzo Nothing out front either. The audience is leaving.
Fozzie The audience?!... The aud... The... (leaves for the stage)
The audience members, including Zelda Rose, Shakey Sanchez, and Catgut, are indeed leaving. Fozzie enters the main stage.
Fozzie Wait, wait, please wait. Oh, come back, please, everybody! We have a lot more show left, honest.
General chatter as the audience returns to their seats.
Fozzie Oh. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Yeah, listen. You'll love this next part. Yeah. It's guest star time, ah! And we have for you the incredibly talented, unforgettable... The unforgettable... I forgot! (facepalm)
Statler and Waldorf Nancy Walker!
Fozzie Of course! Here she is, Miss Nancy Walker in... Wait a minute. I'm in this next sketch! Uh, Scooter!
Enter Scooter.
Scooter (muttering) What, what, what?
Fozzie Uh, fill, fill, fill.
Scooter Well, what should I say?
Fozzie Ah, whatever. I gotta go put my costume on. (exits)
206-6
Scooter But, but... Oh, hi everybody. Uh, uh... Listen. I'm selling magazine subscriptions to win a skateboard at school, and, uh, I was wondering if I could interest anybody out there in 72 issues of Field and Farmer for only five…
Fozzie peeks through the back curtain, wearing a paper hat.
Fozzie All right, Scooter, all right, enough. I'm ready.
Scooter Oh, uh... Well, then, uh... Then here's Nancy Walker... I guess.

Luncheon counter

Fozzie is behind a luncheon counter. Nancy Walker enters to applause and sits on a stool next to the Luncheon Counter Monster.
Fozzie Oh. Hello, and uh, what can I do for you today?
Nancy I'd like a menu, some water... (glances at the monster) and a whip.
Fozzie Don't worry, his bark is worse than his bite. (hands Nancy a menu)
Nancy If he barks, I'm leaving.
Fozzie One water coming up.
Fozzie sets an empty glass in front of Nancy and leaves. The Luncheon Counter Monster eats it while Nancy inspects her menu. Fozzie returns with a water pitcher.
Walker01
Fozzie Uh... (clears throat) Where's the glass?
Nancy What glass?
Fozzie "What glass?"
Nancy I asked you first.
Fozzie Uh, look, I put a glass right here.
The Luncheon Counter Monster eats the menu Nancy set down.
Nancy I'll fess up. I ate it.
Fozzie Gonna be one of those days. (sighs, leaves)
The Luncheon Counter monster smashes the pitcher and eats it. Fozzie returns, humming, with another glass.
Fozzie Now wait a minute. What is going on here?
Nancy What's the matter?
Fozzie What'd you do, break it? Where's the pitcher?
Nancy What pitcher?
Fozzie "What pitcher?"
Luncheon Counter Monster She asked you first.
Fozzie You stay out of this! Now look, I know I put a pitcher right here.
Nancy Maybe you just think you did.
Fozzie I don't think, I know.
Nancy I don't think you know either!
The Luncheon Counter Monster eats the second glass.
Fozzie Look, all I know is that I put a pitcher and a second glass of water here. And now the second glass is gone?!
Fozzie looks around frantically. The Luncheon Counter Monster starts to eat Nancy's scarf.
Nancy Alright, do me a favor, will you? Just get the menu back here please.
Fozzie I didn't take the menu away! (groans)
Nancy Listen... I can understand somebody swiping two glasses and a pitcher, but will you tell me two things?
Fozzie What?!
Nancy Who would take a menu... and why is the air conditioning being turned on in December?
They both notice the Luncheon Counter Monster.
Nancy You know what I think?
Fozzie Mm-hmm. I think you're right.
Nancy Come here.
Fozzie leans in and Nancy whispers something to him.
Fozzie Worth a try. (clears throat) Hey, uh, hand me that tray of stuff there, will you, cook?
The Swedish Chef hands hims a tray of glassware from the kitchen.
Swedish Chef (Mock Swedish babbling)
Fozzie Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Fozzie sets the tray in front of the Luncheon Counter Monster.
Fozzie (humming) Hey, look at the time, I gotta go wax the oven.
Nancy Oh. Well, I'd better go paint the garage.
They both leave. The Luncheon Counter Monster eats the contents of the tray, then Nancy and Fozzie sneak up on him. The Monster cowers.
Nancy and Fozzie Gotcha!
Fozzie A-ha! You don't think we know what you're doing, huh?
Nancy Yeah!
Fozzie Yeah, we saw you!
Nancy Yeah!
Fozzie Yeah, we know exactly what you're doing!
Nancy You bet! You're hogging the whole place for yourself. Give me a bite.
Nancy bites into a cup.
Fozzie Whaa?
Nancy pulls up part of the counter.
Nancy You ever tried any of this?
She eats it. Fozzie is stunned. She puts some in his mouth.
Nancy Mmm. This is good. Everybody eats!
Nancy and the Luncheon Counter Monster continue to eat the counter and glassware. Fozzie stares into the camera.
Waldorf Yeah, boy, that Nancy Walker's a great actress, isn't she?
Statler Yeah, but I wouldn't want to take her to dinner.
They laugh.

Backstage

Gonzo is talking on the phone as Fozzie enters with a clipboard.
Gonzo Hey Kermit, Fozzie's really doing a terrific job with the show tonight. Oh, the opening number was sensational. Oh, those holes in the theater will be easy to fix. And you should have seen the way he got the audience to come back after they started to leave.
Fozzie Gonzo! What are you doing to me? (grabs the phone)
Gonzo Wha? I was only trying to tell Kermit what a great job you're doing!
Fozzie I'll tell him. I'll tell him! Give me the phone!
Fozzie wrestles the phone away from Gonzo.
Gonzo (screaming) All right! (leaves in a huff)
Fozzie All right! All right, At The Dance everybody. (on the phone) Oh, hi, Kermit. Listen, I got to make an introduction. I'll be right back and explain everything. Oh, boy! Oh.
Fozzie sets down the phone and leaves. Miss Piggy, in her Vets Hospital garb, enters and picks up the phone.
Piggy Hello, Kermie, is that you? Oh, Kermie, I was just going to call you. Yes. I'm dedicating the Veterinarian's Hospital sketch to you. (kisses) Love of my life. Au revoir.
Enter Rowlf dressed as Dr. Bob.
206-7
Rowlf Hey, Piggy, we can't do the hospital sketch. Fozzie just introduced At The Dance.
Piggy At the Dance?
Rowlf Mm-hm.
Piggy I promised Kermit the hospital sketch. And that is what we're going to do!
Rowlf OK, but we better get out there. The sketch is starting.

Veterinarian's Hospital At the Dance

Piggy enters through the side door and it hits her on the rear.
Announcer And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who has gone to the dogs.
Piggy joins Rowlf and Janice at the operating table. A Whatnot is the patient. At the Dance is being held simultaneously, complete with the chandeliers, theme music, and dancing couples.
Piggy Dr. Bob, what is this man suffering from?
Rowlf Uh... I don't know, maybe it's rumbatism. (laughs)
Floyd Pepper and a female Whatnot dance into the foreground.
Floyd's partner Oh, do you come here often?
Floyd Mmm... (looks around) ...only to have my appendix out. (laughs)
They leave. Piggy shakes her head.
Janice Wow, Dr. Bob, there are dancers in this operating room. What should we do?
Rowlf What else? The foxtrot.
Rowlf and Janice dance.
Piggy Dr. Bob! This is an operating room. We've got to be serious now.
Rowlf Why? We've never been serious before. (laughs, along with Floyd)
Janice Really, really...
Female Whatnot Are you the doctor?
Rowlf Well, that's what I tell people.
Female Whatnot Well, would you remove a large growth from my toe?
Rowlf Sure, what is it?
Female Whatnot (nods to her partner) Him.
All laugh.
Janice Wow...
Fozzie peeks in the side door, covers his eyes.
Floyd Hey, uh, by the way. How come we're dancing in an operating room?
Floyd's partner Because... Although the song will soon be over, the malady lingers on.
All laugh.
Vets206
Announcer And so, Dr. Bob has gone to the dance. Tune in next week and hear Miss Piggy say...
Piggy This sketch is a disaster, Dr. Bob! What should we do?
Rowlf What else? A big finish!
A chandelier falls on Piggy. Everyone else laughs.

Backstage

Fozzie and Scooter are at Kermit's desk.
Fozzie Oh, I don't believe that. Oh, Scooter, the show is falling apart. I practically blow up the theater, then the audience starts to leave, and now two sketches go on at the same time. Oh, boy.
Janice and Rowlf come offstage.
Rowlf Way to go, bear!
Fozzie (groans) Oh, Scooter, what else can go wrong?
Scooter Well, the crew's talking about quitting.
Fozzie What?
Scooter You know, the stage hand, the prop man, the lighting man.
Fozzie Ugh...
Scooter I think you'd better talk to them.
Fozzie Well, all right. Who do you think I should talk to first?
The lights dim.
206-8
Scooter Maybe you better start with the lighting man.
Fozzie I think you're right. Harvey!
Fozzie runs off into the dark and falls over something.
Fozzie Aaah!

UK spot

206-9
UK Spot: Berlington Bertie sings "My Old Dutch," assisted by Rowlf on the piano. The song even brings Statler and Waldorf to tears.

Birds

206-10
A man listens to the singing of several birds, including his own pet bird that's in a cage, until a Giant Chicken crashes through his wall and puts him in the cage.

Dressing room

Fozzie is with Nancy Walker in her dressing room.
Fozzie Hey, I just wanna tell you, I know the show has been a little shaky, but I've got everything under control now, Miss Walker.
Nancy Miss who?
Fozzie (embarrassed) Oh, Walker, isn't that right?
Nancy Oh, yeah. Come on, I was only kidding. Anyway, the show isn't that bad.
Fozzie It isn't?
Nancy No, I mean look, the audience liked it. They all came back, they stayed.
Fozzie Yeah!
Nancy Very clever of you to lock the doors.
Fozzie (sigh) That's cruelty to bears.
Nancy Listen, as for the, uh, sketches being done at the same time...
Fozzie Yeah...
Nancy Do you know how many times I've seen that done?
Fozzie How many? How many?
Nancy Never.
Fozzie Oh...
Nancy You know what I do when things don't go right?
Fozzie No.
Nancy Nothing's impossible, I have found

For when my chin is on the ground

I pick myself up, dust myself off,

And start all over again.

Fozzie Yeah, but...
Nancy pulls him into a hug and continues singing "Pick Yourself Up."
Nancy Ah, don't lose your confidence

If you slip, just be grateful for a pleasant trip

And pick yourself up, dust yourself off,

And start all over again.

Nancy gives Fozzie a kiss.
Fozzie Oh... oh, thank you, thank you, Miss Walker. I feel terrific now!
206-11
Nancy Well, I'm glad you're happy.
Fozzie Yeah!
Nancy But listen.
Fozzie Hmm?
Nancy That's just a song. Your show's in a lot of trouble.
Fozzie covers his face.

Editorial

A trumpet fanfare plays as Sam the Eagle steps up to his podium.
206 sam
Sam (clears throat) I would just like to say a few words about nudity in the world today. And I, for one, am just appalled by it. Why, did you know that underneath their clothing, the entire population of the world is walking around completely naked?! Hmm? Is that disgusting? And it's not just people, although, goodness knows, that's bad enough. But animals too. Even cute little doggies and pussycats can't be trusted. Underneath their fur, absolutely naked! (grunts) And it's not just the quadrupeds either! Birds, too! Yes. Beneath those fine feathers, birds wear nothing. Nothing at all! Abs... (looks down at himself)
Sam covers himself and sheepishly exits.
Waldorf How do you feel about nudity?
Statler Well, personally, it always left me cold.
They laugh.

Dressing room

Nancy is in her dressing room. Piggy enters.
Piggy Miss Walker, I was wondering if I could borrow your hairbrush.
Nancy Oh, of course, sweetheart. Come on in.
Piggy Oh, thank you so much. You know, I certainly do appreciate this, Miss Walker.
Nancy Oh, just call me Nancy.
Piggy (gasp) Oh, I knew it. I just knew you'd be nice.
Nancy Why? 'Cause I let you use my hairbrush? Big deal.
Piggy No, no, because of those parts you play on television. I just knew you'd be an overly considerate, protective, mother-type person. I just knew it.
Nancy Uh, well, I'll tell you the truth, I'm no more protective of people than anybody else.
Piggy Oh?
Nancy I mean, that mother thing is an act.
Piggy Oh.
The phone rings. Nancy answers it.
Nancy Hi. Oh, hello, Kermit.
Piggy Oh, Kermie, my Kermie. He's sick.
Nancy-walker-phone
Nancy You're sick? Oh. Well, listen Kermit, here's what I want you to do. Yeah, I want you to drink lots of liquids. No, don't eat anything. Starve a fever, feed a cold, right? Get into bed, turn the electric blanket up way up high, and I'll be right over with some chicken soup. Listen, what have you got? Flu?
Piggy Oh...
Nancy What kind?
Piggy Oh dear...
Nancy No kidding, that's the worst.
Piggy Oh no...
Nancy He's got the swine flu.
Piggy Oh-- (stops, realizes) Swine flu?? Swine flu?! Take... Take this, frog!
Piggy karate-chops the phone stand off the table, disconnecting it. She leaves.
Nancy I think we have kind of a bad connection here.
Miss Piggy slams the door behind her and screams.

Backstage

Fozzie sits at Kermit's desk. Scooter enters holding a paper.
Fozzie (groans)
Scooter Hey Fozzie, it's time to introduce Nancy Walker's musical number.
Fozzie Oh, Scooter, you do it. I can't go out on stage again. I'm too ashamed. Everything's gone wrong.
Scooter Well, maybe this will cheer you up.
Fozzie Why, what is this, what is this? (takes the paper)
Scooter Well, just read it!
206-12
Fozzie Oh, all right. "Dear Fozzie, I just want to tell you what a pleasure it was to work with you on your show. You're really terrific. The frog's been holding you back. Nancy Walker." Aaah!
Scooter You ready to do the introduction now?
Fozzie Oh, I sure am! I feel great! (kisses the paper) There. You can read it if you want to. (leaves for the stage)
Scooter I don't have to read it. I wrote it.

"They Can't Take That Away from Me"

Main stage. Enter Fozzie.
Fozzie Heeey! And now, ladies and gentlemen, I take great pride in presenting our wonderful guest star...
Enter Gonzo.
206-13
Gonzo Psst, Fozzie, don't forget her name this time.
Fozzie Gonzo, I will not forget her name.
Gonzo It's Nancy Walker.
Fozzie I know it's Nancy Walker.
Gonzo That's "Nancy". Rhymes with "fancy."
Fozzie I know, I know.
Gonzo "Walker," rhymes with "talker."
Fozzie Gonzo, I have it! (sigh)
Gonzo And it's "Nancy Walker," not "Fancy Talker."
Fozzie Gonzo, I know the guest star's name is Nancy Walker. I remember Nancy Walker. I will not forget the name. (leaves Gonzo alone onstage)
Gonzo Okay! ... You forgot to introduce her.
Fozzie Ahhhh! (chases Gonzo offstage)
206-14
Nancy Walker and Sweetums enter in tails and top hats.
Sweetums The way you wear your hat
Nancy The way you sip your tea

The memory of all that

Both No, no, they can't take that away from me.
Nancy The way your smile just beams
Sweetums (chuckles)

The way you sing off-key

Nancy (hits Sweetums with her hat)

The way you haunt my dreams

No, no, they can't take that away from me

We may never...

Sweetums Ever...
Nancy ...meet again...
Sweetums On the bumpy road of life.
Nancy Still I'll always, always

Keep the memory...

Heaven!

Tap dance break.
Nancy The way you hold your knife

The way we dance til three

Sweetums ...four, five, six, seven.
Nancy The way you change my life...
Sweetums Change my socks! Change my brain!
Nancy No, no, they can't take that away from me
Both No! No, they can't take that away from me!

Goodnights

Fozzie stand in front of the main curtain.
Fozzie Uh, yeah, well everybody, I mean, what can I say? Uh, you know, it's not been much of a show, and, uh, you've probably had a lousy time. And,uh, Kermit will probably fire me...
Enter Kermit with a pack on his head.
Kermit You're fired.
Fozzie Kermit! Wha-what are you doing here?
Kermit Well, I figured Nancy Walker deserved at least one decent introduction.
Fozzie Oh, Kermit, I'm so glad to see you. (kisses him multiple times)
Kermit OK, OK, OK, you're hired again!
Fozzie Aaahh.
Kermit Let me just do the introduction. Ladies and gentlemen, a big round of applause for Miss Nancy... (sneezes)
Fozzie Ah! You blew it too. It's Nancy Walker! Yeah, yeah!
Nancy comes onstage and puts an arm around Fozzie.
206-15
Nancy Listen, Kermit. Don't worry about a thing. I had a wonderful time.
Kermit Oh yeah?
Nancy It was nice working with what's his name... the bear.
Kermit OK, we'll see you all next time on... (sneezes)
Fozzie Aaah! Come on, everybody! Yeah!
Fozzie and Kermit, plus Scooter, Piggy, and the Luncheon Counter Monster, surround Nancy as the credits roll and the theme song plays.
Waldorf Wonderful, I loved it.
Statler Who was your favorite?
Waldorf Who else? The frog.
Statler Mmm. (double take)

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