Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter Judy Collins! Oh, fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Collins.
Judy I'm ready. I'm ready for anything.
BOOM! Something explodes beside her.
Crazy Harry (laughing) You weren't ready for that!
Judycollins02

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Judy Collins!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler Do we have to watch this?
205-1
Gonzo's horn sounds like a flute.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit OK. Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, we really have a terrific show for you tonight because we have with us one of the most beautiful and talented singers in the entire world.
Piggy rushes out and bows.
Miss Piggy Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. (to Kermit, aggravated) It's about time you said something nice about me.
Kermit Uh, Piggy, I... I was referring to Miss Judy Collins.
Miss Piggy Oh. Him. (exits)
Kermit Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Judy Collins.
Open on a misty forest. Judy approaches a bat.
Judy Oh, hello there.
Bat Hi.
Judy

… said the little brown leatherwing bat.
"I'll tell you the reason that
The reason that I fly by night …"

Bat … is because I've lost my heart's delight.
Judy Howdy dowdy diddle oh day.
Bat Howdy dowdy diddle oh day.
Judy Howdy dowdy diddle oh day.
Judy & Bat How dow dee di-dit dee doe.
Judy I have to go and sing now with the woodpecker.
Bat Find out what "how dow dee di-dit doe dum" means.
Judy I will.
She approaches the woodpecker.
Woodpecker Hi!
Judy

… said the woodpecker sittin' on a fence.
"Once I courted a handsome wench.
She got saucy and from me fled.

Woodpecker Ever since then my head's been red.
Judy Howdy dowdy diddle oh day.
Woodpecker Howdy dowdy diddle oh day.
Judy Howdy dowdy diddle oh day.
Judy & Woodpecker How dow dee di-dit dee doe.
Judy What does "how dow dee di-dit dee doe" mean?
Woodpecker "Go sing with the owl."
Judy Oh.
She approaches the owl.
Owl Who!
Judy

Said the hoot-owl sitting in the tree,
"All night long I watch and see…"

Owl Who!
Judy

"…goes where and what they do."
He knows what and he knows …

Owl Whoooo.
205-2
Judy Howdy dowdy diddle oh day.
Animals Howdy dowdy diddle oh day.
Judy & Animals

Howdy dowdy diddle oh day.
How dow dee … di-dit dee … doe.

Applause.
Statler You know, when I see that Judy Collins, I'm glad I left my wife.
Waldorf You left your wife?
Statler Yeah, I left her at home.
They chuckle.

Backstage

J.P. Grosse talks on the phone as Scooter watches.
J.P. Grosse Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, forget the 200 and let 'em go straight to jail. Right. (hangs up)
Kermit (worried) Oh, boy, look who's here.
Scooter Oh, Kermit, you know my uncle.
205-3
J.P. Grosse J.P. Grosse. Yeah, I own the theater and the ground it stands on, and the mineral rights underneath it. In fact, I probably own you too, frog.
Kermit (gulp)
J.P. Grosse (to Scooter) Uh, kid, make a note, see if we own the frog. If not, take an option.
Kermit Uh, well, J.P., I suppose you're here on a little inspection tour.
J.P. Grosse Yeah, well, you could call it that.
Kermit Well, attendance is up, revenue is up. Just about everything is up, sir.
J.P. Grosse Yeah, well, the theater's coming down.
Kermit What?!
J.P. Grosse Yeah, I'm tearing it down, puttin' in a junkyard.
Kermit Bu-bu-bu-bu-but why?
J.P. Grosse Because there's more money in real junk than this junk you got here. Come on, kid, this well's dry.
He leaves with Scooter.
J.P. Grosse Uh, don't forget the option on the frog. Get a lien on his legs.
Kermit I think my stock just dropped.

Pigs in Space

Vehicle.Swinetrek
Announcer And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! Featuring the stout-hearted Captain Link Hogthrob … the fetching First Mate Miss Piggy … and the ubiquitous Dr. Julius Strangepork. Last week, the spaceship Swinetrek was rapidly approaching the electrifying mid-course correction maneuver.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Stand by for mid-course correction.
Miss Piggy Oh, isn't this electrifying?
Link Hogthrob Dr. Strangepork, ready to count me down?
Miss Piggy Oh, Captain Link, would it be all right if I performed the mid-course correction?
Link Hogthrob Well...
Miss Piggy After all, I did go to school for this particular maneuver for 11 years.
Link Hogthrob Still, you are a woman.
Miss Piggy Yes, captain, just as you are a man.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Technically, you're both pigs, but we know what you're talking about.
Miss Piggy Oh, captain, may I please perform the maneuver?
Link Hogthrob Well, I suppose so.
Miss Piggy Oh, thank you, Herr Capitán! Oh! (smothers him with affection)
Dr. Julius Strangepork Twenty-five seconds to mid-course correction.
Link Hogthrob Now, First Mate Piggy —
Miss Piggy Hmm?
Link Hogthrob Don't forget which button to push.
Miss Piggy Huh, I know which button to push. I studied it for 11 years.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Fifteen seconds.
Link Hogthrob It's this button right here.
Miss Piggy I know it's that button.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Ten seconds.
Link Hogthrob Just push it when he tells you.
Miss Piggy I know, I know!
Dr. Julius Strangepork Five seconds. Four … three … two … one …
Link Hogthrob Don't panic.
Miss Piggy Will you shut up?!
Link Hogthrob Don't tell me to shut up. I'm your captain.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Now! Push the button! Push the button!
Pigsinspace205
They fight over the button.
Link Hogthrob Push the button!
Miss Piggy I'm will! Don't shout! I'm a lady!
Link Hogthrob If you don't push that button, I'll push it myself.
He pushes the button. An explosion occurs, leaving everyone shaken.
Miss Piggy You pushed the wrong button, bacon brain. I spent 11 years learning which button to push and you pushed one of those other buttons!
Dr. Julius Strangepork Captain, you know what that means?
Link Hogthrob Not...?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Yes, I'm afraid so.
Miss Piggy You don't mean...?
Link & Strangepork Yes, undoubtedly.
Swinetrek crew member Does this mean...?
Piggy, Link & Strangepork Yes, it does.
Dramatic sting.
Announcer Tune in next week and miss the continuation of... PIGS IN SPACE!

Editorial

Sam enters to a fanfare and stands at the podium.
205-4
Sam the Eagle I just want it known that, following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole weird, sick show. (looks around) Where do I go? (exits stage right)

"I Know an Old Lady"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, at this time, we have a very special... uh... uh...
J.P. stomps behind him.
Kermit Uh, look, I'm trying to make an introduction.
205-5
J.P. Grosse Oh, go right ahead, I'm just checking the floor.
Kermit Uh... Ladies and gentlemen...
J.P. Grosse Scooter, make a note. Some of these boards are rotten.
Kermit That's too bad.
J.P. Grosse You know, if you dried your flippers before you came out here, this wouldn't happen. (exits)
Kermit Um, ladies and gentlemen … Miss Judy Collins.
Judy plays the guitar and sings. A silhouette of an old lady appears in a frame above her.
Judy

I know an old lady who swallowed a fly.
I don't know why she swallowed that fly.

Old lady I guess I'll die. (laughs)
Oldladyfly
A spider jumps into her mouth.
Judy

I know an old lady who swallowed a spider
That wriggled and tickled and jiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
But I don't know why she swallowed the fly.

Old lady I guess I'll die. (laughs)
A bird flies into her mouth.
Judy I know an old lady who swallowed a bird.
Statler How absurd — she swallowed a bird! Heh!
Judy

She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and tickled and jiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
But I don't know why she swallowed the fly.

Old lady I guess I'll die. (laughs)
A cat jumps into her mouth.
Judy I know an old lady who swallowed a cat.
Statler Imagine that! She swallowed a cat! Heh.
Judy

She swallowed the cat to catch the bird.
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and tickled and jiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
But I don't know why she swallowed the fly.

Old lady Well, I guess I'll die. Come here, puppy.
A dog jumps into her mouth.
Judy I know an old lady who swallowed a dog.
Statler What a hog! She swallowed a dog!
Judy

She swallowed the dog to catch the cat.
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird.
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and tickled and jiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
But I don't know why she swallowed the fly.

Old lady I guess I'll die. Come here, Billy.
A goat hops into her mouth.
Judy I know an old lady who swallowed a goat.
Statler Just opened her throat and swallowed a goat! Heh heh heh!
205-6
Judy

She swallowed the goat to catch the dog.
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat.
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird.
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and tickled and jiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
But I don't know why she swallowed the fly.

Old lady I guess I'll die.
A horse jumps into her mouth.
Judy I know an old lady who swallowed a horse.
BOOM! The old lady explodes.
Judy She's dead of course.
Applause. She chuckles. Statler and Waldorf cheer.
Waldorf Wonderful! Yes!
Statler Wonderful.
Waldorf Yes, but I swallowed my gum.
Statler How very dumb to swallow your gum!
They chuckle.

Muppet newsflash

Newsman Here is a Muppet news flash.
205-7
The paper catches fire and burns up.
Newsman There it was, folks.

Backstage

J.P. Grosse is on the phone again.
J.P. Grosse Yeah, well, I'm tearing the theater down, putting in a junkyard. (nods) Hmm, yeah, 'course I will.
Miss Piggy (gasp) Oh, look, it's Scooter's uncle, the famous J.P. Grosse. Oh, I had no idea that someone so rich could be so good-looking.
205-8
J.P. Grosse Listen, I don't want excuses. Just get the widow's wheelchair.
Miss Piggy Helloooo. My name is Miss Piggy, the singing star of The Muppet Show.
J.P. Grosse Well, sue them.
Miss Piggy I, uh, wonder, would you like to hear me sing?
J.P. Grosse Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Miss Piggy Oh, all right. Ahem. Call me irresponsible … call me unreliable … call me…
J.P. Grosse What? (hangs up and sees Piggy) Call you? What for? No money in hog-calling.
Miss Piggy Well, call this, cigar breath! Hi-YAH!
J.P. walks away. Kermit gets in Piggy's way and gets karate-chopped. Piggy shrugs and walks away.
Kermit Uh, for a second there, I thought somebody was gonna get hurt around here. (faints)

"I Talk to the Trees"

Talktotrees
Link Hogthrob

I talk to the trees,
But they don't listen to me...

The trees start moving away from him.
Tree (JN) I'm not listening to any more of this!
Tree (RH) Yeah, let's leaf. Oh, boy.
Tree (DG) Ah, that turkey talks ragtime.
Tree (FO) Blah, blah, blah!
Link stands there, confused.

Planet Koozebane

Kermit This is Kermit the Frog speaking to you from the planet Koozebane, and today I am interviewing a most unfortunate creature, the Koozebanian Phoob.
Phoob Thank you, thank you. I'm pleased to be here. As a matter of fact, I'm pleased to be anywhere.
Kermit I can believe that because you see, folks, the Phoob is known as the most delicious creature on Koozebane.
Phoob That's true. We have a saying on this world: "I never met a Phoob I didn't like, especially with mushroom gravy."
Kermit Uh, I suppose this tends to hold down the Phoob population pretty effectively.
205 phoob1
Phoob Not really. Actually, my species is flourishing.
Kermit Really? Well, how do you manage that?
Phoob Evolution.
Kermit I... I don't think I understand.
Phoob We Phoobs tend to evolve rather faster than most creatures.
Kermit Mm-hmm. Well, what do you evolve into?
Phoob Oh, you know. Whatever's handy.
Kermit I... I beg your pardon?
205 phoob2
Phoob We try to blend in with the crowd as best we can.
Kermit Say, are... are you changing?
205-9
Phoob Evolving. Evolving is the accurate term.
Kermit Yeah, but... but you're starting to look familiar.
205 phoob3
Phoob I should certainly hope so.
Kermit (to camera) This — this is very weird.
The Phoob is now a replica of Kermit.
Kermit Good grief! Even your clothes are the same!
Phoob It's called the survival of the trench-coated.
Kermit Yeah, but... but you can't do this!
Phoob Uh, this is Kermit the Frog, returning you to...
Kermit I'm Kermit the Frog!
Phoob I am!
Kermit I am!
The two Kermits start fighting.
205 phoob5
Kermit & Phoob (pausing) Uh, these are Kermit the Frogs, returning you to The Muppet Show.
They resume fighting.
Kermit You can't do that! Will you stop?! I'm the real Kermit, folks.
Statler Wonderful! Very funny! Eh, Waldorf? Hey, I wonder where he went. He was here a minute ago, watching the Phoob and falling down laughing.
205 help
He's hanging from the balcony.
Waldorf I'm still falling, but I've stopped laughing. (groans)

UK spot

Sam sits in the balcony with Statler.
Sam the Eagle Uh, Mr. Statler, there aren't too many people on this show I like to talk to.
Statler Well, I can understand that. They're kind of weird.
Sam the Eagle "Weird" is too nice a word. (Statler nods) But you and your friend seem to be very distinguished gentlemen. Uh, by the way, where is your friend?
Statler Oh, uh, I don't know. He must have stepped out for a minute.
205-10
Waldorf Stepped out is right. Hey, give me a hand, huh?
Statler Well, I'm sure he didn't go far. Yeah, he's probably hanging around somewhere.
Waldorf Uh, hanging around is right. Help.
Sam the Eagle Mr. Statler, what I find hard to understand is why you come here every night.
Statler Well, uh, it gets me out of the house.
Sam the Eagle But there are many better places to go than, than this freak show. There's the symphony, the ballet, the opera.
Waldorf Help. Help!
Statler Never go to the opera. Can't stand all that screaming and yelling.
Waldorf Help!
Sam the Eagle You just don't understand opera.
Statler Oh, I understand it all right. I just hate it. I'd rather go to a public hanging.
Waldorf You are at a public hanging. Pull me up!
Sam the Eagle Does your friend Waldorf feel as strongly as you?
Waldorf I don't have any feeling at all. My hand is numb.
Statler I don't know. Why don't you ask him?
Sam the Eagle Maybe I will. I will drop by later.
Waldorf I'm gonna drop right now if somebody doesn't help me.
Sam the Eagle But... but wherever he is, it's good to know that at least we have you two gentlemen here to provide dignity and decency.
He bangs his fist on the banister. Waldorf falls. They look down.

"Do-Re-Mi"

Open on Judy playing the piano. Pan over to Rowlf, at another piano.
Rowlf Hey, thank you, Judy. You know, I really want to thank you for wanting to play this number with me. I'm just honored.
205-11
Judy Oh, it's a pleasure for me, Rowlf. Thank you.
Rowlf What is that you're playing right now?
Judy Oh, these are just finger exercises. I play them to warm up before I play.
Rowlf Really?
Judy What do you do to warm up?
Rowlf Oh, I chase cars.
Judy Oh, dear. I'd much rather play finger exercises. When I was a kid, you know, I used to play these and put a book up in front of me and read while I practiced.
Rowlf Oh... I guess that's easy for you. But, you know, it's tough to play the piano and chase cars at the same time.
Judy How about playing a duet with me?
Rowlf Oh, listen, that's why I'm here.
Judy OK.
They do a duet of "Do-Re-Mi."

Backstage

Kermit (fretting) Oh, no, what am I gonna do?
Gonzo Hi, Kermit. What's happening?
Kermit Oh, Gonzo, haven't you heard the news?
Gonzo No.
Kermit Well, Scooter's uncle's gonna tear this theater down.
Gonzo (in disbelief) No!
Kermit Yes! And he's gonna build a junkyard on this very spot.
Gonzo NO!
Kermit Yes.
Gonzo Oh, what a terrific idea for an act! (sigh)
205-12
Kermit What?
Gonzo I wish I'd thought of it. (walks away, humming)
Kermit Now there goes a real trouper.

The Swedish Chef / Backstage

Open on the Chef with two forks.
Swedish Chef (sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
205.Chef1
He tosses them aside and displays the bowl, then a head of lettuce, then a blunderbuss.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … de lëttüce ... de bøøm-bøøm.
He tosses the lettuce in the air, shoots it, and down comes …
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … de sälåd!
Statler Ever eat any of that Swedish chef's food?
Waldorf Are you kidding? If I did, I'd be dead.
Statler That's why I asked.
The Chef displays another head of lettuce and the blunderbuss.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish)
He tosses the lettuce in the air, shoots it, and down comes …
205.Chef2
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … de brüssels sprøots.
Waldorf Oh, they're going to get that Swedish chef some day.
Statler Who is?
Waldorf The smorgasbord of health.
They chuckle. Meanwhile, backstage…
Kermit Scooter.
Scooter What is it, Kermit?
Kermit You're the only one who can talk your uncle out of tearing this theater down.
Scooter Oh, gee, I don't think so, Kermit...
Kermit Well, sure you can. Appeal to his sense of art. Tell him about all the people who'll be out of work.
Scooter Sorry, Kermit.
Kermit Including you.
Scooter Wait right here. (walks over to J.P.) Hey, Uncle J.P.
J.P. Grosse Huh?
Scooter You can't tear this theater down.
J.P. Grosse Oh, sure I can. I've got the junk yard all planned. Gonna put the old cars right here and the old tires over there.
Scooter Well, what about your sense of art?
J.P. Grosse Art who?
Scooter Well, what will all these people do for money?
J.P. Grosse Oh, let 'em spend cake.
Scooter Well, what about me?
J.P. Grosse Oh, well, I was going to put you in charge of the junkyard. What do you say to that, kid?
He picks up a sledgehammer.
205-14
Scooter Let's get started, Uncle Partner!
He starts whacking the intercom. Kermit gets in his way and gets whacked.
Kermit Scooter! Aah!
Swedishchef205
Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, the Chef displays a coconut and the blunderbuss.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) ... de cøconüt, … de bøøm-bøøm. (mock Swedish)
He tosses the coconut in the air, shoots it, and down comes a rubber chicken.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) ... chickie?
BOP! The coconut falls on his head.
Waldorf Well, did you find all that interesting?
Statler No, I was smorgasbored!
They chuckle.
Statler Bored!
Waldorf Bored!
They chuckle. The lights dim.

"Send In the Clowns"

Announcer Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Judy Collins.
Clowns 205-15
Judy sings "Send in the Clowns" as the clowns dance.

Goodnights

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Well, we made it through another one, mostly with the help of our wonderful guest star, Miss Judy Collins! Yaaay!
Judy Thank you. It's been wonderful.
Kermit Oh, I'm very glad. You know, mostly because this may be our last show.
Judy Oh, no.
Kermit Yeah. Scooter's uncle still wants to tear this place down.
J.P. Grosse No, cancel that plan. I'm not gonna tear this place down.
205-16
Kermit You're not?
J.P. Grosse Naw, it'd be a waste of money. This dump's gonna fall in on its own. Look at this floor.
He stomps on the floor and falls through it.
Kermit Uh, well, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Sh— WHAA!!
He and other Muppets fall through the stage floor as the credits roll.
Waldorf This theater's as solid as a rock. Watch this.
He stomps on the floor and falls through it.
ATV
THE END

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