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Episode 205: Judy Collins/transcript

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Cold open

Theme

Opening number

Backstage

Pigs in Space

Editorial

"I Know an Old Lady"

Muppet newsflash

Backstage

"I Talk to the Trees"

Planet Koozebane

UK spot

"Do-Re-Mi"

Backstage

The Swedish Chef

Backstage

"Send In the Clowns"

Goodnights

[Knocking]

Judy Collins. Oh, 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Collins.

I'm ready. I'm ready for anything.

- [Explosion] - [Yelps]

[Cackling] You weren't ready for that!

[Drumroll]

It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star Miss Judy Collins!

[Applause, whistling]

  1. Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light
  1. Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight
  1. Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right
  1. Lt's time to get things started

Do we have to watch this?

  1. Lt's time to get things started
  1. On the most sensational, inspirational
  1. Celebrational, Muppetational
  1. This is what we call The Muppet Show! #

[off-key honking]

[Applause]

OK. Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show.

Hey, we really have a terrific show for you tonight because we have with us

one of the most beautiful and talented singers in the entire world.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

It's about time you said something nice about me.

Uh, Piggy, I... I was referring to Miss Judy Collins.

Oh, him.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Judy Collins.

[# Leatherwing Bat]

Oh, hello there.

I have to go and sing now with the woodpecker.

Find out what "how dow di-di-dit doe dum" means.

I will.

What does "how dow di-di-dit doe" mean?

- Go sing with the owl! - Ooh!

[Applause, whistling]

You know, when I see that Judy Collins, I'm glad I left my wife.

you left Your wife? - Yeah, I left her at home.

[Both laughing]

Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue,

buy all your railroads, forget the ____ and let 'em go straight to jail. Right.

Oh, boy, look who's here.

Oh, Kermit, you know my uncle.

J.P. Grosse. Yeah, I own the theater, the ground it stands on

and the mineral rights underneath it. In fact, I probably own you too, frog.

Uh, kid, make a note,

see if we own the frog. If not, take an option.

Well, J.P., I suppose you're here on a little inspection tour.

Yeah, well, you could call it that.

Attendance is up, revenue is up. Just about everything is up.

Yeah, well, the theater's coming down.

What? - Tearing It Down to put in A junkyard.

[Stuttering] Yeah, but why?

Because there's more money in real junk than this junk you got here.

- Come on, kid, this well's dry. - [Whimpering]

Uh, don't forget the option on the frog. Get a lien on his legs.

I think my stock just dropped.

[Beeping]

[Announcer] And now, Pigs in Space.

Featuring the stout-hearted Captain Link Hogthrob,

the fetching First Mate Miss Piggy,

and the ubiquitous Dr. Julius Strangepork.

Last week the spaceship Swinetrek was rapidly approaching

the electrifying mid-course correction maneuver.

Stand by for mid-course correction.

Oh, isn't this electrifying?

Dr. Strangepork, ready to count me down?

Oh, Captain Link, would it be all right

if I performed the mid-course correction?

- Well... - After all,

I did go to school for this particular maneuver for 11 years.

Still, you are a woman.

Yes, captain, just as you are a man.

Technically, you're both pigs, but we know what you're talking about.

Oh, captain, may I please perform the maneuver?

Well, I suppose so.

Oh, thank you, Herr Capitán! Oh!

Twenty-five seconds to mid-course correction.

- Now, First Mate Piggy, - Hmm?

- Don't forget which button to push. - Huh, I know which button to push.

I studied it for 11 years.

Fifteen seconds.

- It's this button right here. - I know it's that button.

Ten seconds. - Push It When He tells you.

- I know, I know! - Five seconds.

- Don't panic. - Will you shut up?!

Don't tell me to shut up. I'm your captain.

Now! Push the button! Push the button!

- Push the button! - I'm will! Don't shout! I'm a lady!

If you don't push that button, I'll push it myself.

[Explosion]

You pushed the wrong button, bacon brain.

I spent 11 years learning which button to push

and you pushed one of those other buttons.

Captain, you know what that means?

- Not...? - Yes, I'm afraid so.

You don't mean...?

Yes, undoubtedly. - yes, undoubtedly.

Does this mean...?

[All] Yes, it does.

[Announcer] Tune in next week and miss the continuation of...

...Pigs in Space!

I just want it known that, following that last piece of material,

I am disassociating myself

from this whole weird, sick show.

Where do I go?

Ladies and gentlemen, at this time, we have a very special... uh... uh...

I'm trying to make an introduction.

Oh, go right ahead, I'm just checking the floor.

Uh... Ladies and gentlemen...

Scooter, make a note, some of these boards are rotten.

That's too bad.

If you dried your flippers before you came out here, this wouldn't happen.

Um, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Judy Collins.

[Applause]

[# L Know an Old Lady]

[Laughing]

[Explosion]

[Applause]

Wonderful! Yes!

wonderFul. - yes, but I swallowed my gum.

How very dumb, to swallow your gum.

[Both laughing]

Here is a Muppet news flash.

Wha...!

There it was, folks.

Yeah, well, I'm tearing the theater down, putting in a junkyard.

- Hmm, yeah, 'course I will. - [Gasps]

Oh, look, it's Scooter's uncle, the famous J.P. Grosse.

Oh, I had no idea that someone so rich could be so good-looking.

Listen, I don't want excuses. Just get the widow's wheelchair.

Hello, my name is Miss Piggy, the singing star of The Muppet Show.

Well, sue then.

I, uh, wonder, would you like to hear me sing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, all right. [clears throat]

[# Call Me Lrresponsible]

Call you? What for? No money in hog-calling.

Well, call this, cigar breath! Hiyah!

Ahh!

For a second there, I thought somebody was gonna get hurt around here.

[Groans]

[# L Talk to the Trees]

I'm not listening to any more of this!

Yeah, let's leaf.

Oh, boy.

Ah, that turkey talks ragtime.

Blah, blah, blah!

This is Kermit the Frog speaking to you from the planet Koozebane,

and I am interviewing a most unfortunate creature,

the Koozebanian Phoob.

Thank you. I'm pleased to be here.

As a matter of fact, I'm pleased to be anywhere.

I can believe that because, folks, the Phoob is known

as the most delicious creature on Koozebane.

True. We have a saying on this world:

I never met a Phoob I didn't like, especially with mushroom gravy.

I suppose this tends to hold down the Phoob population pretty effectively.

Not really. Actually, my species is flourishing.

Really? How do you manage that?

Evolution.

I... I don't think I understand.

We Phoobs tend to evolve rather faster than most creatures.

Mm-hmm. Well, what do you evolve into?

Oh, you know. Whatever's handy.

I... I beg your pardon?

We try to blend in with the crowd as best we can.

Say, are... are you changing?

Evolving. Evolving is the accurate term.

Yeah, but... but you're starting to look familiar.

I should certainly hope so.

This... this is very weird.

Good grief! Even your clothes are the same!

It's called the survival of the trench-coated.

Yeah, but... but you can't do this!

This is Kermit the Frog, returning you to...

- I'm Kermit the Frog! - I am!

- I am! - [Both grunting]

[Both] These are Kermit the Frogs, returning you to The Muppet Show.

You can't do that!

Will you stop?!

I'm the real Kermit, folks.

Wonderful! Very funny! Eh, Waldorf?

I wonder where he went.

He was here a minute ago, watching the Phoob and falling down laughing.

I'm still falling, but I've stopped laughing. [groans]

Uh, Mr. Statler, there aren't too many people on this show I like to talk to.

Well, I Can understand that. - mm.

They're kind of weird.

Weird is Too nice A word. - Mm, mm.

But you and your friend seem to be very distinguished gentlemen.

Uh, by the way, where is your friend?

Oh, uh, I don't know. He must have stepped out for a minute.

Stepped out is right. Hey, give me a hand, huh?

Well, I'm sure he didn't go far.

Yeah, he's probably hanging around somewhere.

Uh, hanging around is right. Help.

Mr. Statler, what I find hard to understand

is why you come here every night.

Well, uh, it gets me out of the house.

But there are many better places to go than... than this freak show.

There's the symphony, the ballet, the opera.

- Help. Help! - Mm.

- Never go to the opera. - Help!

Can't stand all that screaming and yelling.

Help!

You just don't understand opera.

Oh, I understand it all right.

I just hate it. I'd rather go to a public hanging.

You are at a public hanging. Pull me up.

Does your friend Waldorf feel as strongly as you?

I don't have any feeling at all. My hand is numb.

I don't know. Why don't you ask him?

Maybe I will. I will drop by later.

I'm gonna drop right now if somebody doesn't help me.

But... but wherever he is, it's good to know

that at least we have you two gentlemen here

to provide dignity and decency.

- [Yelling] - [Crashing]

[Playing piano]

[Applause]

Hey, thank you, Judy. I really want to thank you for wanting

to play this number with me. I'm just honored.

Oh, it's a pleasure for me, Rowlf. Thank you.

What is that you're playing right now?

Oh, these are just finger exercises. I play them to warm up before I play.

Really?

what do you do to warm up? - Oh, I chase cars.

Oh, dear, I'd much rather play finger exercises.

When I was a kid, I used to play these

and put a book up in front of me and read while I practiced.

Oh... I guess that's easy for you.

But, you know, it's tough to play the piano and chase cars at the same time.

How about playing a duet with me?

Oh, listen, that's why I'm here.

OK.

[# Do-Re-Mi]

[Applause]

Oh, no, what am I gonna do?

Hi, Kermit. What's happening?

- Oh, Gonzo, haven't you heard the news? - No.

Scooter's uncle's gonna tear this theater down.

No!

Yes! And he's gonna build a junkyard on this very spot.

- No! - Yes.

Oh, what a terrific idea for an act! [sighs]

- What? - I wish I'd thought of it.

There goes a real trouper.

[Singing gibberish]

[Speaking mock Swedish]

...lettuce.

...boom-boom

Salad!

Ever eat any of that Swedish chef's food?

Are you kidding? If I did, I'd be dead.

That's why I asked.

[Mock Swedish]

...boom-boom

Brussels sprouts.

Oh, they're going to get that Swedish chef some day.

Who is? - the smorgasbord Of health.

[Both laughing]

Scooter. - what is It, Kermit?

You're the only one who can talk your uncle out of tearing the theater down.

Oh, gee, I don't think so, Kermit

Well, sure you can. Appeal to his sense of art.

Tell him about the people who'll be out of work.

Sorry, Kermit. - Including you.

Wait right here.

Hey, Uncle J.P. - huh?

- You can't tear this theater down. - Oh, sure I can.

I've got the junk yard all planned.

Gonna put the old cars right here and the old tires over there.

Well, what about your sense of art?

Art who?

Well, what will all these people do for money?

Oh, let 'em spend cake.

Well, what about me?

Oh, well, I was going to put you in charge of the junkyard.

What do you say to that, kid?

Let's get started, Uncle Partner.

Scooter! Aah!

[Mock Swedish]

...coconut.

...boom-boom.

[Squawking]

...chicken.

Well, did you find all that interesting?

No, I was smorgasbored!

[Both laughing]

- Bored! - Bored!

[Man] Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Judy Collins.

[Applause]

[# Send in the Clowns]

[Applause]

We made it through another one,

mostly with the help of our wonderful guest star, Miss Judy Collins. Yay!

[Applause, whistling]

Thank you. It's been wonderful.

Oh, I'm very glad. You know, mostly because this may be our last show.

Oh, No. - Yeah.

Scooter's uncle wants to tear this place down.

No, cancel that plan. I'm not gonna tear this place down.

- You're not? - Naw, it'd be a waste of money.

This dump's gonna fall in on its own. Look at this floor.

- Ahh! - Oh!

Oh, well, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.

This theater's as solid as a rock. Watch this.

- [Yells] - [Crashes]

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