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00:00:09 Judy Collins. Oh, 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Collins.
00:00:13 I'm ready. I'm ready for anything.
00:00:16 - [Explosion] - [Yelps]
00:00:18 [Cackling] You weren't ready for that!
00:00:26 It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star Miss Judy Collins!
00:00:31 [Applause, whistling]
00:00:44 # Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light
00:00:48 # Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight
00:00:53 # Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right
00:00:57 # Lt's time to get things started
00:00:59 Do we have to watch this?
00:01:01 # Lt's time to get things started
00:01:03 # On the most sensational, inspirational
00:01:05 # Celebrational, Muppetational
00:01:07 # This is what we call The Muppet Show! #
00:01:15 [off-key honking]
00:01:21 OK. Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show.
00:01:25 Hey, we really have a terrific show for you tonight because we have with us
00:01:29 one of the most beautiful and talented singers in the entire world.
00:01:33 Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
00:01:35 It's about time you said something nice about me.
00:01:38 Uh, Piggy, I... I was referring to Miss Judy Collins.
00:01:42 Oh, him.
00:01:46 Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Judy Collins.
00:01:57 [# Leatherwing Bat]
00:02:00 Oh, hello there.
00:02:23 I have to go and sing now with the woodpecker.
00:02:26 Find out what "how dow di-di-dit doe dum" means.
00:02:28 I will.
00:02:53 What does "how dow di-di-dit doe" mean?
00:02:55 - Go sing with the owl! - Ooh!
00:03:33 [Applause, whistling]
00:03:39 You know, when I see that Judy Collins, I'm glad I left my wife.
00:03:43 - You left your wife? - Yeah, I left her at home.
00:03:46 [Both laughing]
00:03:49 Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue,
00:03:52 buy all your railroads, forget the 200 and let 'em go straight to jail. Right.
00:03:57 Oh, boy, look who's here.
00:03:59 Oh, Kermit, you know my uncle.
00:04:01 J.P. Grosse. Yeah, I own the theater, the ground it stands on
00:04:05 and the mineral rights underneath it. In fact, I probably own you too, frog.
00:04:10 Uh, kid, make a note,
00:04:12 see if we own the frog. If not, take an option.
00:04:15 Well, J.P., I suppose you're here on a little inspection tour.
00:04:18 Yeah, well, you could call it that.
00:04:20 Attendance is up, revenue is up. Just about everything is up.
00:04:23 Yeah, well, the theater's coming down.
00:04:26 - What? - Tearing it down to put in a junkyard.
00:04:29 [Stuttering] Yeah, but why?
00:04:31 Because there's more money in real junk than this junk you got here.
00:04:34 - Come on, kid, this well's dry. - [Whimpering]
00:04:37 Uh, don't forget the option on the frog. Get a lien on his legs.
00:04:44 I think my stock just dropped.
00:04:48 [Announcer] And now, Pigs in Space.
00:04:55 Featuring the stout-hearted Captain Link Hogthrob,
00:04:59 the fetching First Mate Miss Piggy,
00:05:02 and the ubiquitous Dr. Julius Strangepork.
00:05:07 Last week the spaceship Swinetrek was rapidly approaching
00:05:10 the electrifying mid-course correction maneuver.
00:05:14 Stand by for mid-course correction.
00:05:17 Oh, isn't this electrifying?
00:05:20 Dr. Strangepork, ready to count me down?
00:05:22 Oh, Captain Link, would it be all right
00:05:25 if I performed the mid-course correction?
00:05:27 - Well... - After all,
00:05:29 I did go to school for this particular maneuver for 11 years.
00:05:33 Still, you are a woman.
00:05:35 Yes, captain, just as you are a man.
00:05:39 Technically, you're both pigs, but we know what you're talking about.
00:05:43 Oh, captain, may I please perform the maneuver?
00:05:47 Well, I suppose so.
00:05:48 Oh, thank you, Herr Capitán! Oh!
00:05:52 Twenty-five seconds to mid-course correction.
00:05:54 - Now, First Mate Piggy, - Hmm?
00:05:56 - Don't forget which button to push. - Huh, I know which button to push.
00:06:00 I studied it for 11 years.
00:06:02 Fifteen seconds.
00:06:04 - It's this button right here. - I know it's that button.
00:06:06 - Ten seconds. - Push it when he tells you.
00:06:09 - I know, I know! - Five seconds.
00:06:11 - Don't panic. - Will you shut up?!
00:06:13 Don't tell me to shut up. I'm your captain.
00:06:16 Now! Push the button! Push the button!
00:06:18 - Push the button! - I'm will! Don't shout! I'm a lady!
00:06:22 If you don't push that button, I'll push it myself.
00:06:31 You pushed the wrong button, bacon brain.
00:06:35 I spent 11 years learning which button to push
00:06:39 and you pushed one of those other buttons.
00:06:42 Captain, you know what that means?
00:06:44 - Not...? - Yes, I'm afraid so.
00:06:46 You don't mean...?
00:06:47 - Yes, undoubtedly. - Yes, undoubtedly.
00:06:50 Does this mean...?
00:06:51 [All] Yes, it does.
00:06:54 [Announcer] Tune in next week and miss the continuation of...
00:06:59 ...Pigs in Space!
00:07:10 I just want it known that, following that last piece of material,
00:07:15 I am disassociating myself
00:07:18 from this whole weird, sick show.
00:07:23 Where do I go?
00:07:27 Ladies and gentlemen, at this time, we have a very special... uh... uh...
00:07:32 I'm trying to make an introduction.
00:07:34 Oh, go right ahead, I'm just checking the floor.
00:07:38 Uh... Ladies and gentlemen...
00:07:39 Scooter, make a note, some of these boards are rotten.
00:07:43 That's too bad.
00:07:44 If you dried your flippers before you came out here, this wouldn't happen.
00:07:50 Um, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Judy Collins.
00:07:56 [# L Know an Old Lady]
00:10:46 Wonderful! Yes!
00:10:48 - Wonderful. - Yes, but I swallowed my gum.
00:10:51 How very dumb, to swallow your gum.
00:10:53 [Both laughing]
00:10:55 Here is a Muppet news flash.
00:10:59 There it was, folks.
00:11:02 Yeah, well, I'm tearing the theater down, putting in a junkyard.
00:11:06 - Hmm, yeah, 'course I will. - [Gasps]
00:11:08 Oh, look, it's Scooter's uncle, the famous J.P. Grosse.
00:11:13 Oh, I had no idea that someone so rich could be so good-looking.
00:11:19 Listen, I don't want excuses. Just get the widow's wheelchair.
00:11:22 Hello, my name is Miss Piggy, the singing star of The Muppet Show.
00:11:28 Well, sue then.
00:11:29 I, uh, wonder, would you like to hear me sing?
00:11:32 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:11:33 Oh, all right. [clears throat]
00:11:35 [# Call Me Lrresponsible]
00:11:42 Call you? What for? No money in hog-calling.
00:11:47 Well, call this, cigar breath! Hiyah!
00:11:55 For a second there, I thought somebody was gonna get hurt around here.
00:12:01 [# L Talk to the Trees]
00:12:15 I'm not listening to any more of this!
00:12:18 Yeah, let's leaf.
00:12:19 Oh, boy.
00:12:21 Ah, that turkey talks ragtime.
00:12:24 Blah, blah, blah!
00:12:29 This is Kermit the Frog speaking to you from the planet Koozebane,
00:12:33 and I am interviewing a most unfortunate creature,
00:12:36 the Koozebanian Phoob.
00:12:37 Thank you. I'm pleased to be here.
00:12:39 As a matter of fact, I'm pleased to be anywhere.
00:12:41 I can believe that because, folks, the Phoob is known
00:12:44 as the most delicious creature on Koozebane.
00:12:47 True. We have a saying on this world:
00:12:49 "I never met a Phoob I didn't like, especially with mushroom gravy."
00:12:53 I suppose this tends to hold down the Phoob population pretty effectively.
00:12:57 Not really. Actually, my species is flourishing.
00:13:01 Really? How do you manage that?
00:13:04 I... I don't think I understand.
00:13:06 We Phoobs tend to evolve rather faster than most creatures.
00:13:09 Mm-hmm. Well, what do you evolve into?
00:13:11 Oh, you know. Whatever's handy.
00:13:14 I... I beg your pardon?
00:13:16 We try to blend in with the crowd as best we can.
00:13:19 Say, are... are you changing?
00:13:21 Evolving. Evolving is the accurate term.
00:13:24 Yeah, but... but you're starting to look familiar.
00:13:27 I should certainly hope so.
00:13:29 This... this is very weird.
00:13:31 Good grief! Even your clothes are the same!
00:13:34 It's called the survival of the trench-coated.
00:13:37 Yeah, but... but you can't do this!
00:13:39 This is Kermit the Frog, returning you to...
00:13:42 - I'm Kermit the Frog! - I am!
00:13:43 - I am! - [Both grunting]
00:13:48 [Both] These are Kermit the Frogs, returning you to The Muppet Show.
00:13:52 You can't do that!
00:13:53 Will you stop?!
00:13:56 I'm the real Kermit, folks.
00:13:59 Wonderful! Very funny! Eh, Waldorf?
00:14:02 I wonder where he went.
00:14:04 He was here a minute ago, watching the Phoob and falling down laughing.
00:14:08 I'm still falling, but I've stopped laughing. [groans]
00:14:15 Uh, Mr. Statler, there aren't too many people on this show I like to talk to.
00:14:20 - Well, I can understand that. - Mm.
00:14:23 They're kind of weird.
00:14:24 - Weird is too nice a word. - Mm, mm.
00:14:28 But you and your friend seem to be very distinguished gentlemen.
00:14:32 Uh, by the way, where is your friend?
00:14:35 Oh, uh, I don't know. He must have stepped out for a minute.
00:14:39 Stepped out is right. Hey, give me a hand, huh?
00:14:42 Well, I'm sure he didn't go far.
00:14:45 Yeah, he's probably hanging around somewhere.
00:14:47 Uh, hanging around is right. Help.
00:14:51 Mr. Statler, what I find hard to understand
00:14:54 is why you come here every night.
00:14:57 Well, uh, it gets me out of the house.
00:15:00 But there are many better places to go than... than this freak show.
00:15:05 There's the symphony, the ballet, the opera.
00:15:08 - Help. Help! - Mm.
00:15:10 - Never go to the opera. - Help!
00:15:12 Can't stand all that screaming and yelling.
00:15:15 You just don't understand opera.
00:15:18 Oh, I understand it all right.
00:15:20 I just hate it. I'd rather go to a public hanging.
00:15:24 You are at a public hanging. Pull me up.
00:15:27 Does your friend Waldorf feel as strongly as you?
00:15:30 I don't have any feeling at all. My hand is numb.
00:15:33 I don't know. Why don't you ask him?
00:15:35 Maybe I will. I will drop by later.
00:15:39 I'm gonna drop right now if somebody doesn't help me.
00:15:42 But... but wherever he is, it's good to know
00:15:46 that at least we have you two gentlemen here
00:15:50 to provide dignity and decency.
00:15:52 - [Yelling] - [Crashing]
00:15:56 [Playing piano]
00:16:08 Hey, thank you, Judy. I really want to thank you for wanting
00:16:12 to play this number with me. I'm just honored.
00:16:14 Oh, it's a pleasure for me, Rowlf. Thank you.
00:16:17 What is that you're playing right now?
00:16:19 Oh, these are just finger exercises. I play them to warm up before I play.
00:16:26 - What do you do to warm up? - Oh, I chase cars.
00:16:31 Oh, dear, I'd much rather play finger exercises.
00:16:35 When I was a kid, I used to play these
00:16:37 and put a book up in front of me and read while I practiced.
00:16:40 Oh... I guess that's easy for you.
00:16:43 But, you know, it's tough to play the piano and chase cars at the same time.
00:16:49 How about playing a duet with me?
00:16:51 Oh, listen, that's why I'm here.
00:16:58 [# Do-Re-Mi]
00:17:58 Oh, no, what am I gonna do?
00:18:01 Hi, Kermit. What's happening?
00:18:03 - Oh, Gonzo, haven't you heard the news? - No.
00:18:06 Scooter's uncle's gonna tear this theater down.
00:18:11 Yes! And he's gonna build a junkyard on this very spot.
00:18:15 - No! - Yes.
00:18:17 Oh, what a terrific idea for an act! [sighs]
00:18:22 - What? - I wish I'd thought of it.
00:18:28 There goes a real trouper.
00:18:34 [Singing gibberish]
00:18:45 [Speaking mock Swedish]
00:19:04 Ever eat any of that Swedish chef's food?
00:19:07 Are you kidding? If I did, I'd be dead.
00:19:09 That's why I asked.
00:19:12 [Mock Swedish]
00:19:24 Brussels sprouts.
00:19:27 Oh, they're going to get that Swedish chef some day.
00:19:30 - Who is? - The smorgasbord of health.
00:19:33 [Both laughing]
00:19:36 - Scooter. - What is it, Kermit?
00:19:38 You're the only one who can talk your uncle out of tearing the theater down.
00:19:41 Oh, gee, I don't think so, Kermit
00:19:43 Well, sure you can. Appeal to his sense of art.
00:19:46 Tell him about the people who'll be out of work.
00:19:48 - Sorry, Kermit. - Including you.
00:19:50 Wait right here.
00:19:53 - Hey, Uncle J.P. - Huh?
00:19:54 - You can't tear this theater down. - Oh, sure I can.
00:19:57 I've got the junk yard all planned.
00:19:59 Gonna put the old cars right here and the old tires over there.
00:20:02 Well, what about your sense of art?
00:20:06 Art who?
00:20:07 Well, what will all these people do for money?
00:20:10 Oh, let 'em spend cake.
00:20:12 Well, what about me?
00:20:14 Oh, well, I was going to put you in charge of the junkyard.
00:20:17 What do you say to that, kid?
00:20:20 Let's get started, Uncle Partner.
00:20:26 Scooter! Aah!
00:20:30 [Mock Swedish]
00:20:50 Well, did you find all that interesting?
00:20:52 No, I was smorgasbored!
00:20:55 [Both laughing]
00:20:56 - Bored! - Bored!
00:20:59 [Man] Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Judy Collins.
00:21:09 [# Send in the Clowns]
00:24:18 We made it through another one,
00:24:20 mostly with the help of our wonderful guest star, Miss Judy Collins. Yay!
00:24:24 [Applause, whistling]
00:24:27 Thank you. It's been wonderful.
00:24:29 Oh, I'm very glad. You know, mostly because this may be our last show.
00:24:32 - Oh, no. - Yeah.
00:24:34 Scooter's uncle wants to tear this place down.
00:24:36 No, cancel that plan. I'm not gonna tear this place down.
00:24:40 - You're not? - Naw, it'd be a waste of money.
00:24:42 This dump's gonna fall in on its own. Look at this floor.
00:24:45 - Ahh! - Oh!
00:24:47 Oh, well, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
00:25:28 This theater's as solid as a rock. Watch this.
00:25:31 - [Yells] - [Crashes]