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Episode 203: Milton Berle/transcript

< Episode 203: Milton Berle

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Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on door.
Scooter Milton Berle. Twenty seconds to curtain. Stand by for makeup.
Milton Berle Stand by for what?
Timmy Monster Makeup!
Timmy Monster whacks Milton with a gigantic powder puff.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star Mr. Milton Berle!
The curtain opens and the theme begins.
Statler Another show, another headache.
Water squirts out of Gonzo's trumpet.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Thank you, thank you. Hi-ho, and here we go again with another edition of The Muppet Show. Tonight's a special one for us because our guest star is one of the truly great comedians, Milton Berle. Mm-hmm. So now, for tonight's opening number, here he is, one of the beautiful people.
The Muppet Monsters sing "Ugly Song." A few Frackles and Mean Mama sing the praises of such ugly creatures as the crocodile and the warthog.
Waldorf Eh, there's something wrong with this hearing aid.
Statler What's wrong?
Waldorf I can't hear with it.
Waldorf accidentally knocks it off the balcony.
Statler Oh. No wonder. It's too far away.
Statler laughs, and Waldorf punches him in the face.


The monsters from "Ugly Song" exit the stage.
Kermit OK, beautiful opening number. Beautiful. Very pretty, very pretty. Uh... or pretty ugly... uh, anyhow.
Kermit sees a lump of fabric by the wall and approaches it.
Kermit What is that?
The lump turns around. It's Fozzie, holding a green mask on a stick.
Fozzie Shh!
Kermit Fozzie!
Fozzie Yeah.
Kermit What are you doing?
Fozzie I'm hiding from Milton Berle.
Kermit Hiding from Milton Berle? But he's your idol. Don't you want to meet him?
Fozzie Meet him? Why do you think I'm hiding, Kermit? What could this lowly bear say to the king of comics?
Kermit How about "hello"?
Fozzie Hello? I just couldn't say "hello." No, I'd have to make a little speech and grovel a lot.
Kermit Uh, whatever you say, but, uh, I think there's one thing you should know about Milton Berle.
Fozzie What?
Kermit He's coming down the stairs.
Fozzie Aaah!
Fozzie drops his disguise and runs away. Milton Berle indeed comes down the stairs.
Kermit Hi there, Milton. You ready for your monologue?
Milton All ready.
Kermit OK. I'm gonna go introduce you.
Milton Thank you very much.
Kermit exits and Gonzo enters.
Gonzo Hey, Uncle Miltie, I hope you really knock 'em dead out there.
Milton Listen, kid, don't worry about the king.
Gonzo I'm not. I'm worried about you. (leaves)
Milton How do you like that? I'm not even on the stage and I'm in trouble.

Milton's monologue

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit In the golden age of television, our guest star earned the title of "Mr. Television," and he deserves it to this day. Here he is, the incomparable Milton Berle!
The curtains open and Milton enters.
Milton Thank you. Thank you, thank you and good evening. Uh, and I wanna thank you, Kermit, thank you for your wonderful introduction. First time I've ever been introduced by an amphibious emcee. Because you know what "amphibious" means... it means he can be dull on land or water.

I feel great. I really, I feel wonderful. I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. I really did. And while I was there...

Statler and Waldorf Funny! Funny! Funny!
203 balcony
Milton Oh-ho, oh-ho! I heard about them. It's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, aren't you? There they are, ladies and gentlemen. Get a good look at 'em. Starsky and Crutch. Yeah, don't start with me, boys. Don't start with me.
Statler Hey! Hey, Berle!
Milton What?
Statler You know what? I've just figured out your style.
Milton Really?
Statler You work like Gregory Peck!
Milton Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
Statler Well...
Milton Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
Waldorf How come we got this half?
Milton Look, did you come in here to be entertained or not?
Statler That's right.
Milton What's right?
Statler We came in here to be entertained and we're not.
Milton Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.
Waldorf You first!
Milton (mock laughing) Ha ha ha, the audience. Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight. Let me tell this story...
Statler Hey, Berle!
Milton (groans) Yes, what is it? What is it?
Statler You know what you're doing wrong?
Milton What am I doing wrong?
Statler You're standing too close to the audience.
Milton Oh, I am? Well... how's this? (takes a step back)
Statler You're still too close.
Milton Oh, I'm sorry. Is this OK? (takes another step)
Statler A little more.
Milton How far back do you want me to go?
Statler You got a car? (Waldorf laughs)
Milton Let me tell you something, if you don't stop I'll have the usher throw you out.
Waldorf He can't, he's too busy.
Milton Doing what?
Waldorf Keeping people in! (He and Statler crack up, as does the audience.)
Milton (to the audience) And you're encouraging him! (to Statler and Waldorf) You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
Waldorf Please, not while I'm holding it. (They chuckle to each other)
Milton (chuckles) That's pretty funny.
Waldorf Ah, you can use it.
Milton ... You can use it. I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
Statler Yeah, how come they never reach your mouth?
Milton Gentlemen, would you please? Would you take it easy? Do you think I'm doing this for fun?
Statler Not so far.
Milton I've... Oh, I see. You think you can do better?
Statler I couldn't do worse.
Milton Alright. OK. I dare you both to come down here and entertain.
Waldorf Eh, we should.
Milton Oh yeah? You sing?
Waldorf No.
Milton Do you dance?
Statler No.
Milton Can you get laughs?
Waldorf No.
Milton Then what would do you?
Waldorf Just what you're doing. (They and the audience laugh.)
Milton (claps hands) OK, that's it. That's it. I'm gonna call the police.
Statler Good idea. You need all the protection you can get.
Milton (to the laughing audience) Don't! (to Statler and Waldorf) I've had it with you guys. I'm not going to put up with you anymore... anymore. Not anymore.
Gonzo enters the stage.
Gonzo Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?
Milton Oh, I'm gonna start with you now? How's it going? It's going terribly. It's going... These guys have been picking on me, insulting me ever since I started.
Gonzo Well, can I help you out?
Milton Please, huh?
Gonzo Which way did you come in?
Milton I would... (realizes what Gonzo said, grabs Gonzo's nose and yanks him offstage) Get out of here! I've had it, I've had it! Here we go again.

[Man] Here's a Muppet news flash.

Dateline, London.

The will of the late Mary Crandall,

which has been bitterly contested by her son Charles

and her cat Cuteypie, was settled today.

A special court has ruled Charles is the sole heir

and he will be awarded the entire estate...

ten thousand rubber mice.

[Announcer] And now...

Pigs in Space!

Featuring the master of the Swinetrek,

the intrepid and well-fed Link Hogthrob,

And his first mate and second in command,

the very cute and extremely dangerous Miss Piggy.

And the super brain behind this whole ghastly mistake,

the inexplicable Dr. Julius Strangepork.

As you recall, last week the spaceship Swinetrek

was on a suicidal collision course

- with a mysterious celestial object. - [Pulsating]

It's coming straight at us but I can't tell what it is.

It looks like the headlight on a motorcycle.

We know what it looks like. We want to know what it is.

Testy, testy, mon capitain.

Doc, would you look this thing up in your book?

Mm-hmm. Ah, yes, yes.

No, no. It's not listed here under any known objects.

Look under unknown objects.

How could it be in that book if it's unknown?

There are some things even pigs don't know.

Oh, brother.

Doc, how long before we collide with this thing?

- Exactly 17

Now that's the kind of man I like to have on my crew.


Excuse me, captain, it's not exactly 17

- No? - No. It's 17

I have trouble with those little decimals.

  1. NAME?

- Prepare for collision. - Oh! [grunts]

[Engine revving]

It... It was a motorcycle.

I told you that at the beginning of this dumb sketch!

Lucky guess. Anyway...

...I got us out of that tight pinch.

- [Miss Piggy laughing] - Stuck pig alarm!

[Announcer] Tune in next week for last week's chapter

of Pigs in Space.

Uh, this is a good place to hide from Milton Berle.

[Sighs] Gee, I never realized how funny he really is,

in relation to certain bears I could mention.

I think I'll just stay here until the end of the show.


Uh, hey, Fozzie, that won't work.

We already used that joke on Pigs in Space.

[# The Entertainer]

The Entertainer, right?

Yep. That's the name of the song.

You know, most people don't know that there are words to that song.

Yeah, that's true.

- You know what they're about? - [Rowlf] Hmm?

They're about... the stars and the performers

and the entertainers that appeared during the heyday of vaudeville.

Hey, you used to be in vaudeville, didn't you?

Yeah, sure I was, but when I was a kid.

Yeah. How many performances did you do in vaudeville?

Wow. You were really The Entertainer, weren't you?

One of them, yeah. One of them.

Many, many fond memories.

[# The Entertainer]

  1. NAME?

Would you play that song again for moi?


[# The Entertainer]

Put somethin' in it, Rowlf!

She's a born ham.

Hubba hubba.

Oh, yeah.

Don't hog the piano.


Makin' the bacon.

There we go, bringing home the pork!


What's this?

What does it look like, small boy I have never seen before?

Well, it looks like Fozzie Bear trying to hide from Milton Berle.

You have penetrated my disguise.

Oh, Fozzie. Fozzie, why don't you just go up to Milton Berle

- and introduce yourself? - Oh, I just couldn't do that, Scooter!

Well, I see your point. Milton's monologue was terrific.

- Yeah. - As a matter of fact,

he's much funnier than you are.

Now if you really want to know the truth...

I don't, I don't! What's wrong with old-fashioned lying?

  1. NAME?

- I wish I could go lie down. - Well, what's stopping you?

- You're standing on my beard. - Oh. Sorry.



And now, straight from a three-month engagement

at the Desert Springs Vermont Humane Society,

here is Zelda Rose and her singing owl.

[# Who]

  1. NAME?

Fozzie, this is your last chance to meet Milton Berle.

Kermit, I keep telling you I just can't.

- I wouldn't know what to say to him. - Yeah, well, uh, here he comes.

Oh, oh! I'm gonna hide! Please don't tell him where I am!

OK, whatever you say.

Hey, Kermit, where's Fozzie Bear?

Oh, uh, Fozzie Bear. Well, funny you should mention it, he's...

- Where is he? - He's in Death Valley.

  1. NAME?

- What's he doing in Death Valley? - Uh, well, he's, uh...

Uh, he's, um... gathering material for his act.

I've seen his act. He can use it. No, I'm kidding.

You know, Kermit, I've always wanted to do a song and dance with Fozzie Bear.

- Hi there! - Fozzie! Back so soon?

  1. NAME?

Uh... hot. Hot, and that's funny.

Nope. Nope, uh, too hot to be funny in Death Valley.

Yep, folks, once more the bear talks his way out of things.

  1. NAME?

I was just telling Kermit that I've always wanted

to do a song and dance with you.

You, you? A song and dance with me?

You, the king of the baggy pants comics.

You, the... the... [stammers]

How about, uh, Top Banana?


Top Banana.

Listen, Mr. Berle, if you want me to call you a banana I'll do it.

I'll call you a Brussels sprout, a plum... whatever.

No, no, no, kid.

You see, top banana is what they call the head comic

- back in the days of burlesque. - Oh!

  1. NAME?
  1. NAME?

[# Top Banana]

Hey, hey, where are you going?

I'm taking my case to court.

Oh, no! Oh, no, oh, no!

- What's the matter, my good man? - Who is this? Who is this?

- Why, it's me. - Oh, good, I thought it was me.


- [Whistling and humming] - Hey, hey! Now where you going?

I'm taking my case to a higher court.


Hey, hey, now where you going, Sam?

Sam? [snorts] How did you know?

How did you know...? Have you heard it, folks?

How'd you know my name was... Will you wait till I tell it, folks?

- How'd you know my name was Sam? - I guessed it.

Then guess where I'm going.

- [Sobbing] - Hey, hey, what happened in court?

[Sobbing] You wanna know?

Stop the music.

  1. NAME?

- [Groans] It's an oldie, pal. - I know, I know. Do it.

You've got a lot of guts, pal,

- I'll tell you that. - Go, go. Do it.

Well, feed me once more, please. Feed me, feed me.

  1. NAME?

I lost the suit.

Well, we've reached the end of another one, folks.

Let's have a big round of applause for Mr. Milton Berle!

Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

Fozzie, what are you doing out here?

Milton and I are the best of friends now, right, Uncle Miltie?

- That's right. - Yeah. From now on, I can see it,

it's the Bear and the Berle.

[Chuckles] Wrong. It's the Berle and the Bear.

Yes, O master of mine. Grovel, grovel.

Remember that "grovel, grovel." OK.

And we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.

- [Cheering] - [Applause]

Well, I finally got my hearing aid working.

Hmm? Speak up, my hearing aid's not working.

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