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Episode 203: Milton Berle/transcript

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00:00:08 - [Knock on door] - Milton Berle.

00:00:10 Twenty seconds to curtain. Stand by for makeup.

00:00:13 - Stand by for what? - Makeup!

00:00:22 [Drumroll]

00:00:24 It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star Mr. Milton Berle!

00:00:29 [Applause and whistles]

00:00:42 # Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light

00:00:46 # Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

00:00:50 # Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right

00:00:55 # Lt's time to get things started

00:00:57 Another show, another headache.

00:00:59 # Lt's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational

00:01:03 # Celebrational, Muppetational

00:01:05 # This is what we call The Muppet Show! #

00:01:13 - [muffled squeaking] - [Bubbling]

00:01:21 Thank you, thank you. Hi-ho, and here we go again

00:01:24 with another edition of The Muppet Show.

00:01:27 Tonight's a special one for us because our guest star

00:01:29 is one of the truly great comedians, Milton Berle. Mm-hmm.

00:01:33 So now, for tonight's opening number,

00:01:36 here he is, one of the beautiful people.

00:01:39 [# The Ugly Song]

00:04:20 Eh, there's something wrong with this hearing aid.

00:04:23 - What's wrong? - I can't hear with it.

00:04:26 Oh. No wonder. It's too far away.

00:04:29 [Chuckling]

00:04:34 OK, beautiful opening number.

00:04:36 Beautiful. Very pretty, very pretty.

00:04:38 Uh... or pretty ugly... uh, anyhow.

00:04:42 - What is that? - Shh!

00:04:46 - Fozzie? - Yeah.

00:04:48 - What are you doing? - I'm hiding from Milton Berle.

00:04:51 Hiding from Milton Berle? He's your idol. Don't you want to meet him?

00:04:54 Meet him? Why do you think I'm hiding, Kermit?

00:04:57 What could this lowly bear say to the king of comics?

00:05:00 - How about "hello"? - Hello?

00:05:03 I just couldn't say "hello."

00:05:05 No, I'd have to make a little speech and grovel a lot.

00:05:08 Uh, whatever you say, but, uh,

00:05:10 I think there's one thing you should know about Milton Berle.

00:05:13 - He's coming down the stairs. - Aaah!

00:05:16 Hi there, Milton. You ready for your monologue?

00:05:18 - All ready. - OK. I'm gonna go introduce you.

00:05:20 - Thank you very much. - Hey, Uncle Miltie,

00:05:23 I hope you really knock 'em dead out there.

00:05:26 Listen, kid, don't worry about the king.

00:05:28 - I'm not. I'm worried about you. - [Chuckles]

00:05:34 How do you like that? I'm not even on the stage and I'm in trouble.

00:05:38 - [Fanfare] - In the golden age of television,

00:05:42 our guest star earned the title of "Mr. Television,"

00:05:45 and he deserves it to this day.

00:05:47 Here he is, the incomparable Milton Berle!

00:05:56 Thank you. Thank you, thank you and good evening.

00:05:59 Uh, and I wanna thank you, Kermit, for your wonderful introduction.

00:06:02 First time I've ever been introduced by an amphibious emcee.

00:06:06 You know what "amphibious" means... he can be dull on land or water.

00:06:14 I feel great. I feel wonderful. I just got back from a pleasure trip.

00:06:17 I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

00:06:21 I really did. And while I was there...

00:06:24 [Statler and Waldorf] Funny, funny, funny!

00:06:28 Oh-ho, oh-ho! I heard about them. It's beginning.

00:06:31 You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, aren't you?

00:06:35 There they are, ladies and gentlemen. Get a good look at 'em.

00:06:38 Starsky and Crutch.

00:06:42 Yeah, don't start with me, boys. Don't start with me.

00:06:44 - Hey, Berle... - What?

00:06:46 You know what? I've just figured out your style.

00:06:49 - Really? - You work like Gregory Peck.

00:06:54 Gregory Peck's not a comedian.

00:06:56 [Statler] Well...

00:07:00 Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.

00:07:05 How come we got this half?

00:07:08 Look, did you come in here to be entertained or not?

00:07:12 - That's right. - What's right?

00:07:14 We came in here to be entertained and we're not.

00:07:18 Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.

00:07:21 You first.

00:07:24 [Mocks chuckling] The audience.

00:07:27 Don't pay any attention to him, folks.

00:07:29 He's the ninth child of a family of eight.

00:07:32 - Let me tell this story... - Hey, Berle!

00:07:35 [Groans] Yes, what is it?

00:07:37 - You know what you're doing wrong? - What am I doing wrong?

00:07:40 You're standing too close to the audience.

00:07:43 Oh, I am? Well... how's this?

00:07:46 [Statler] You're still too close.

00:07:48 Oh, I'm sorry. Is this OK?

00:07:50 [Statler] A little more.

00:07:53 How far back do you want me to go?

00:07:55 You got a car?

00:08:01 Let me tell you something, if you don't stop

00:08:04 - I'll have the usher throw you out. - [Waldorf] He can't, he's too busy.

00:08:07 - Doing what? - Keeping people in.

00:08:13 And you're encouraging him!

00:08:15 You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.

00:08:17 Please, not while I'm holding it.

00:08:22 That's pretty funny.

00:08:24 You can use it.

00:08:27 "You can use it." I don't need your material, pal.

00:08:29 I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.

00:08:32 Yeah, how come they never reach your mouth?

00:08:36 Gentlemen, would you please? Would you take it easy?

00:08:39 - Do you think I'm doing this for fun? - Not so far.

00:08:44 Oh, I see. You think you can do better?

00:08:47 - I couldn't do worse. - [Stammers] All right.

00:08:50 OK. I dare you both to come down here and entertain.

00:08:53 - Hey, we should. - Oh, yeah? Do you sing?

00:08:57 - No. - Do you dance?

00:08:58 - No. - Can you get laughs?

00:09:00 - No. - Then what would you do?

00:09:02 Just what you're doing.

00:09:06 OK, that's it. That's it. I'm gonna call the police.

00:09:09 Good idea. You need all the protection you can get.

00:09:14 Don't! I've had it with you guys.

00:09:16 I'm not going to put up with you anymore... anymore. Not anymore.

00:09:20 - Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle? - Oh, I'm gonna start with you now?

00:09:23 How's it going? It's going terribly.

00:09:25 These guys have been picking on me, insulting me ever since I started.

00:09:29 - Well, can I help you out? - Please, huh?

00:09:31 - Which way did you come in? - I came in...

00:09:34 Get out of here!

00:09:36 I've had it, I've had it!

00:09:38 Here we go again.

00:09:43 [Man] Here's a Muppet news flash.

00:09:46 Dateline, London.

00:09:48 The will of the late Mary Crandall,

00:09:50 which has been bitterly contested by her son Charles

00:09:53 and her cat Cuteypie, was settled today.

00:09:56 A special court has ruled Charles is the sole heir

00:10:00 and he will be awarded the entire estate...

00:10:02 ten thousand rubber mice.

00:10:08 [Announcer] And now...

00:10:10 Pigs in Space!

00:10:18 Featuring the master of the Swinetrek,

00:10:20 the intrepid and well-fed Link Hogthrob,

00:10:25 And his first mate and second in command,

00:10:27 the very cute and extremely dangerous Miss Piggy.

00:10:31 And the super brain behind this whole ghastly mistake,

00:10:34 the inexplicable Dr. Julius Strangepork.

00:10:38 As you recall, last week the spaceship Swinetrek

00:10:40 was on a suicidal collision course

00:10:42 - with a mysterious celestial object. - [Pulsating]

00:10:46 It's coming straight at us but I can't tell what it is.

00:10:49 It looks like the headlight on a motorcycle.

00:10:51 We know what it looks like. We want to know what it is.

00:10:55 Testy, testy, mon capitain.

00:10:58 Doc, would you look this thing up in your book?

00:11:00 Mm-hmm. Ah, yes, yes.

00:11:02 No, no. It's not listed here under any known objects.

00:11:06 Look under unknown objects.

00:11:08 How could it be in that book if it's unknown?

00:11:10 There are some things even pigs don't know.

00:11:13 Oh, brother.

00:11:14 Doc, how long before we collide with this thing?

00:11:16 - Exactly 17 hours. - Good.

00:11:19 Now that's the kind of man I like to have on my crew.

00:11:22 La-di-da.

00:11:24 Excuse me, captain, it's not exactly 17 hours.

00:11:28 - No? - No. It's 17 seconds.

00:11:32 I have trouble with those little decimals.

00:11:34 - Seventeen seconds? - Nice going, doc.

00:11:38 - Prepare for collision. - Oh! [grunts]

00:11:41 [Engine revving]

00:11:47 Lt... It was a motorcycle.

00:11:49 I told you that at the beginning of this dumb sketch!

00:11:53 Lucky guess. Anyway...

00:11:55 ...I got us out of that tight pinch.

00:11:58 - [Miss Piggy laughing] - Stuck pig alarm!

00:12:02 [Announcer] Tune in next week for last week's chapter

00:12:05 of Pigs in Space.

00:12:11 Uh, this is a good place to hide from Milton Berle.

00:12:15 [Sighs] Gee, I never realized how funny he really is,

00:12:18 in relation to certain bears I could mention.

00:12:22 I think I'll just stay here until the end of the show.

00:12:26 [Groaning]

00:12:28 Uh, hey, Fozzie, that won't work.

00:12:30 We already used that joke on Pigs in Space.

00:12:37 [# The Entertainer]

00:12:46 The Entertainer, right?

00:12:47 Yep. That's the name of the song.

00:12:49 You know, most people don't know that there are words to that song.

00:12:53 Yeah, that's true.

00:12:54 - You know what they're about? - [Rowlf] Hmm?

00:12:57 They're about... the stars and the performers

00:13:01 and the entertainers that appeared during the heyday of vaudeville.

00:13:06 Hey, you used to be in vaudeville, didn't you?

00:13:09 Yeah, sure I was, but when I was a kid.

00:13:11 Yeah. How many performances did you do in vaudeville?

00:13:18 Wow. You were really The Entertainer, weren't you?

00:13:21 One of them, yeah. One of them.

00:13:24 Many, many fond memories.

00:13:27 [# The Entertainer]

00:15:19 - Rowlfy... - Hmm?

00:15:21 Would you play that song again for moi?

00:15:24 Sure.

00:15:25 [# The Entertainer]

00:16:03 Put somethin' in it, Rowlf!

00:16:17 She's a born ham.

00:16:26 Hubba hubba.

00:16:35 Oh, yeah.

00:16:42 Don't hog the piano.

00:16:49 [Groaning]

00:16:53 Makin' the bacon.

00:17:02 There we go, bringing home the pork!

00:17:20 [Humming]

00:17:24 What's this?

00:17:26 What does it look like, small boy I have never seen before?

00:17:30 Well, it looks like Fozzie Bear trying to hide from Milton Berle.

00:17:34 You have penetrated my disguise.

00:17:36 Oh, Fozzie. Fozzie, why don't you just go up to Milton Berle

00:17:40 - and introduce yourself? - Oh, I just couldn't do that, Scooter!

00:17:44 Well, I see your point. Milton's monologue was terrific.

00:17:47 - Yeah. - As a matter of fact,

00:17:49 he's much funnier than you are.

00:17:51 Now if you really want to know the truth...

00:17:53 I don't, I don't! What's wrong with old-fashioned lying?

00:17:56 - Oh, Fozzie, you look upset. - I am, Scooter.

00:17:59 - I wish I could go lie down. - Well, what's stopping you?

00:18:01 - You're standing on my beard. - Oh. Sorry.

00:18:04 Aaah!

00:18:08 [Fanfare]

00:18:09 And now, straight from a three-month engagement

00:18:11 at the Desert Springs Vermont Humane Society,

00:18:14 here is Zelda Rose and her singing owl.

00:18:25 [# Who]

00:19:13 - Oh, Fozzie. - Shh! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:19:15 Fozzie, this is your last chance to meet Milton Berle.

00:19:18 Kermit, I keep telling you I just can't.

00:19:21 - I wouldn't know what to say to him. - Yeah, well, uh, here he comes.

00:19:24 Oh, oh! I'm gonna hide! Please don't tell him where I am!

00:19:28 OK, whatever you say.

00:19:30 Hey, Kermit, where's Fozzie Bear?

00:19:32 Oh, uh, Fozzie Bear. Well, funny you should mention it, he's...

00:19:36 - Where is he? - He's in Death Valley.

00:19:38 - Death Valley? - Yep. Death Valley.

00:19:40 - What's he doing in Death Valley? - Uh, well, he's, uh...

00:19:43 Uh, he's, um... gathering material for his act.

00:19:47 I've seen his act. He can use it. No, I'm kidding.

00:19:49 You know, Kermit, I've always wanted to do a song and dance with Fozzie Bear.

00:19:54 - Hi there! - Fozzie! Back so soon?

00:19:58 - Uh... yes, Kermit. - How was Death Valley?

00:20:00 Uh... hot. Hot, and that's funny.

00:20:04 Nope. Nope, uh, too hot to be funny in Death Valley.

00:20:07 Yep, folks, once more the bear talks his way out of things.

00:20:12 - Fozzie. I was... - Yes, sir?

00:20:14 I was just telling Kermit that I've always wanted

00:20:17 to do a song and dance with you.

00:20:19 You, you? A song and dance with me?

00:20:22 You, the king of the baggy pants comics.

00:20:25 You, the... the... [stammers]

00:20:27 How about, uh, Top Banana?

00:20:32 But...

00:20:33 Top Banana.

00:20:35 Listen, Mr. Berle, if you want me to call you a banana I'll do it.

00:20:39 I'll call you a Brussels sprout, a plum... whatever.

00:20:42 No, no, no, kid.

00:20:44 You see, top banana is what they call the head comic

00:20:47 - back in the days of burlesque. - Oh!

00:20:50 - Let me tell you something. - OK, yeah.

00:20:54 - You listening, Fozzie? - Oh, yeah, yes, yes.

00:20:56 [# Top Banana]

00:22:16 Hey, hey, where are you going?

00:22:18 I'm taking my case to court.

00:22:22 Oh, no! Oh, no, oh, no!

00:22:24 - What's the matter, my good man? - Who is this? Who is this?

00:22:28 - Why, it's me. - Oh, good, I thought it was me.

00:22:31 [Grumbling]

00:22:34 - [Whistling and humming] - Hey, hey! Now where you going?

00:22:37 I'm taking my case to a higher court.

00:22:40 [Groans]

00:22:43 Hey, hey, now where you going, Sam?

00:22:45 Sam? [snorts] How did you know?

00:22:48 How did you know...? Have you heard it, folks?

00:22:51 How'd you know my name was... Will you wait till I tell it, folks?

00:22:56 - How'd you know my name was Sam? - I guessed it.

00:22:58 Then guess where I'm going.

00:23:03 - [Sobbing] - Hey, hey, what happened in court?

00:23:05 [Sobbing] You wanna know?

00:23:08 Stop the music.

00:23:12 - Do we have to do this joke? - You gotta do it.

00:23:14 - [Groans] It's an oldie, pal. - I know, I know. Do it.

00:23:18 You've got a lot of guts, pal,

00:23:20 - I'll tell you that. - Go, go. Do it.

00:23:21 Well, feed me once more, please. Feed me, feed me.

00:23:24 - Hey, what happened in court? - Are you ready?

00:23:27 I lost the suit.

00:24:13 Well, we've reached the end of another one, folks.

00:24:16 Let's have a big round of applause for Mr. Milton Berle!

00:24:20 Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

00:24:23 Fozzie, what are you doing out here?

00:24:25 Milton and I are the best of friends now, right, Uncle Miltie?

00:24:28 - That's right. - Yeah. From now on, I can see it,

00:24:31 it's the Bear and the Berle.

00:24:33 [Chuckles] Wrong. It's the Berle and the Bear.

00:24:36 Yes, O master of mine. Grovel, grovel.

00:24:38 Remember that "grovel, grovel." OK.

00:24:40 And we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.

00:24:43 - [Cheering] - [Applause]

00:25:22 Well, I finally got my hearing aid working.

00:25:25 Hmm? Speak up, my hearing aid's not working.

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