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Episode 201: Don Knotts/transcript

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Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on door.
Scooter Don Knotts! Don Knotts! Twenty-five seconds to curtain, Mr. Knotts. What are you doing hiding there behind the table?
Don is staring in fear at something behind a folding screen.
Don Listen, nobody told me I had to share a dressing room.
Scooter Didn't they tell you about her?
Don Her?
Gorgon Heap pops up from behind the screen.
Gorgon Heap What's the matter, sweetie? You don't like chorus girls?
Donknotts01

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Don Knotts!
The curtain opens and the theme begins.
Statler and Waldorf come in late.
Donknottsgonzo
Fire comes out of Gonzo's trumpet.
Gonzo Sorry!

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show! Hey listen, our guest star tonight is the slightly nervous, but very funny, Mr. Don Knotts. But first, just for fun, here is a ginger-flavored opening number.
Character.gingerbread
Five gingerbread men dance to and sing "Sweet Gingerbread Man."
Statler I know what's wrong with this show.
Waldorf What?
Statler It's the theater.
Waldorf What's wrong with it?
Statler The seats face the stage.
They both chuckle.

"Windmills of Your Mind"

Main stage. Fozzie enters.
Fozzie Thank you. Hi. Hiya, hiya. Hey, hey, hey, listen. Kermit is letting me help plan tonight's show.
Kermit enters.
Kermit Uh, that's true, folks. He plans his parts, and I plan the good parts.
Donknotts2
Fozzie Kermit!
Kermit Oh, I'm just kidding, Fozzie. Go ahead, make your introduction.
Fozzie Oh, okay. Moving right along, we take you now for a trip into... [echoing] ...inner space.
Open curtain. The Screaming Thing is sitting in a chair.
Screamingthing
Screaming Thing I'm very relaxed. I'm terribly calm and tranquil. I'm very, very relaxed indeed. On the outside, but on the inside...
The Screaming Thing sings "Windmills of Your Mind" while running. He sings and runs increasingly faster until he crashes into a windmill.
Threeleggedscreamingthing
Screaming Thing ...But on the outside I'm very calm.
He screams and runs off screen.
Statler Well, how'd you like that opening number?
Waldorf Hmm? Oh, I didn't notice it.
Statler Didn't notice it? How is that possible? lt was loud and raucous with a screaming thing running amok. How could you not notice it?
Waldorf Well, in the future I'll try to be more observant.
The Screaming Thing runs in from behind them and jumps out of the balcony. Neither of them notice it.
Statler Would you do that, please?

Backstage

Fozzie, holding a clipboard, and Kermit are at Kermit's desk.
Fozzie This is fun. I really want to thank you for letting me help plan tonight's show, Kermit.
Kermit Yeah, well, I wish we planned something a little calmer for the opening spot.
Two pigs in scrubs carry the Screaming Thing offstage on a stretcher.
Fozzie He looks calm enough to me.
Floyd Pepper approaches them.
Donknotts03
Floyd OK, green thing, the band has asked me to have a word with you.
Kermit Yeah?
Floyd Yeah. I refer specifically to the closing number.
Fozzie Oh boy... (covers face with clipboard and hides behind Kermit)
Kermit Uh, well, I tell you,this is not my fault this time. See, Fozzie Bear helped me plan tonight's show, and he was the one that wanted the band to play Lullaby of Birdland. That was Fozzie. (pushes Fozzie towards Floyd)
Fozzie (growls at Kermit)
Floyd So this is the bear's doing, huh?
Kermit You bet.
Fozzie Oh, hi, Floyd. Uh, isn't Lullaby of Birdland all right?
Floyd All right? Hey, it's terrific!
Fozzie It is?
Kermit It is?
Floyd Yeah. Lullaby of Birdland is a jazz classic. At last we got some decent music in this gig.
Fozzie (looks at Kermit) Ha!
Kermit makes an annoyed face.
Floyd Yeah. Lullaby of Birdland. Why isn't the bear running things around here? (exits)
Fozzie Yeah! Why isn't the bear running things around here?
Kermit Yeah, why isn't the frog auditioning new comedians? (exits to stage)
Fozzie (facepalms) Why isn't the bear keeping his mouth shut?

Beast of the Week

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit OK, right now it's time for something good to happen, and that something is tonight's very funny guest star. Welcome, please, the very relaxed Mr. Don Knotts.
The curtain opens to Don Knotts in a lab coat in front of many cubes with animals printed on them. He sits on a desk, along with a covered cage.
Don Thank you, boys and girls, and welcome to Beast of the Week, the program that presents the most hideous, repulsive, and disgusting animals in the world, just to amuse you sweet little kiddies. Tonight's creature was just discovered,so it doesn't even have a name yet. Shall we? (chuckles)
Don removes the cover off the cage to reveal Mean Mama's Baby. It growls softly and makes gibberish noises.
Don Oh, cute little fella, isn't it? Uh, this is the first one ever born in captivity, and it's also the first time we've had it away from its mother. I don't know quite what to expect myself, so maybe we'll just learn together, huh?
The creature takes a deep breath and squeezes through the bars of its cage.
Don Well, one thing we've just learned: it can get out of a cage, which I was told was absolutely escape-proof.
Don throws the cage off screen. Mean Mama's Baby skitters away from him, hiding behind a globe.
Don Uh, I better get him... Oh, look at that. He's found something shaped like himself. I believe he thinks they're related. lsn't that cute, boys and girls? He's trying to make friends.
The creature growls angrily and knocks the globe off the table.
Don Not, uh... Not trying to make friends. He's... I'll just, uh, get the globe.
As Don bends over to pick up the globe, the creature leaps off the table on to him, and proceeds to bounce all over the floor.
Don I could use some help here!
The creature crawls up his leg and throughout his coat, growling and making angry gibberish noises. Don fidgets and fights it. It continues attacking him, then suddenly stops.
Don Where'd it go? Where'd...?
The creature crawls up his shoulder and makes a taunting noise.
Knotts02
Don This is where my years of training as a zookeeper pay off. You notice I don't make any sudden moves... He's getting less frightened of me. I guess it likes me.
The creature begins licking him.
Don (laughing) Stop it! That tickles. ...It's blowing in my ear. (chuckles)
The creature begins to bite him. He grabs it. It struggles to escape as he talks.
Gotcha. Well, boys and girls, uh, that about wraps up tonight's Beast of the Week. We've got to get this little fella back to its mother before she wakes up. You see, the mother is very possessive of its offspring, and if she should discover it's missing, she could get very upset.
Mean Mama (growls from off screen)
Don What's that?
Mean Mama's Baby Mama...
Don Mother? How could that be? She's in the cage! It's escape-proof!
Mean Mama pops up from behind the table, destroys the set, and leaves with her baby. Don is flabbergasted.
Donknotts04
Statler Well, that Don Knotts is one great performer.
Waldorf He certainly is. When is he gonna be on?
Statler He was just on!
Waldorf Oh. Did I like him?
Statler Yeah, you laughed like crazy.
Waldorf Oh, good.
Statler He's got a great sense of humor, but a terrible memory.

Backstage

Floyd Fozzie, my main bear! Mmm. What it is. You know everybody in the band is so blown away by the fact that you suggested we do Lullaby of Birdland on the show.
Fozzie Blown away? Is that good?
Floyd Good?
Fozzie Yes?
Floyd Fozzie, you're so hip you make us flip. ln fact, we just took a vote and made you a bona fide registered Hip Dude. You have won your shades. (hands Fozzie a pair of sunglasses)
Fozzie My shades! (puts them on)
Floyd Yeah. Now these are the official Charlie Parker Lives supercool sunglasses!
Fozzie Oh, thank you!
Floyd Welcome to Groovydom. (exits)
Fozzie Oh! Will you please tell the band how honored I am! Oh, boy, I can't wait to tell Kermit. Kermit!
Fozzie turns to run off the other side of the stage and runs face first into the wall.

Veterinarian's Hospital

In the operating room, Miss Piggy preens herself in a head mirror before running to join the others at the table. The patient is the Screaming Thing.
Vets201
The Announcer And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Dr. Bob Well, let's take a look at our next patient. What seems to be his problem?
Nurse Janice I think he has flat feet, Dr. Bob.
Nurse Piggy Looks more like a flat tire to me.
Dr. Bob I think it's a case of three left feet.
All laugh.
Nurse Piggy Three feet, Dr. Bob. What do you make of that?
Dr. Bob Oh, about a yard.
Rimshot noise. All laugh.
Nurse Janice But is it serious, Dr. Bob?
Dr. Bob Let's face it, this bird has one foot in the grave.
Nurse Janice But he has three feet on the table.
Screaming Thing That's nothing, I left two feet in Cincinnati.
Nurse Piggy That's six feet, Dr. Bob. What do you make of that?
Dr. Bob Oh, about a fathom. (laughs with the Screaming Thing)
Nurse Piggy I certainly can't fathom any of this.
Announcer And so Dr. Bob has performed another amazing medical feat. Tune in next week when we'll hear Nurse Piggy say...
Nurse Piggy Shall we call in a specialist, Dr. Bob?
Dr. Bob No, just call a tow truck.
All laugh. Dr. Bob tickles the Screaming Thing's feet.
Screaming Thing That tickles!

UK Spot: "Burlington Bertie from Bow"

Bertie
A British-accented Whatnot sings about his lifestyle.

Talk Spot

Don stands by himself in the usual guest star spot.
Don Hmm. Strange. Fozzie told me to meet him here and we could chat for a while.
Crashing and Fozzie stumbling are heard from off screen.
Fozzie Sorry, lady. Oh, boy. Oh, boy, oh, boy.
Wearing his shades, Fozzie fingers his way along the wall to get onstage.
Don Hi, Fozzie.
Fozzie Aaah! Oh, hello, Don. Good to see you.
Donknotts06
He is facing away from Don. Don taps him on the shoulder.
Fozzie Aaah! Oh. Oh, hi, Don. Didn't see you.
Don Oh, well, why don't you take off the sunglasses?
Fozzie I couldn't do that. The band gave me these because they think I am so hip.
Don Oh, I see.
Fozzie Confidentially, uh, I always wanted to be hip.
Don Oh yeah?
Fozzie Yeah.
Don Personally, l've never had that problem.
Fozzie Yeah!
Don You know how it is. (snapping fingers) When you've got it, you've got it. I mean, when you're hip, you're hip.
Fozzie Yeah! Uh, Don, if you're so hip, where are your shades?
Don Shades? You want shades, I'll show you shades. (removes a pair from his pocket and puts them on) Whaddya say? Huh? How's that? How about that, huh?
Fozzie Yeah!
Don Good to see ya!
Fozzie That's my man!
Don That's my bear! Gimme five!
Fozzie Whatever! All right! Yeah!
Don tries to feel his way offstage. Crashing is heard.
Fozzie Don! Don, Don, Don! (follows him, more crashing is heard)

"What a Wonderful World"

Wonderfulworld
Rowlf sings "What a Wonderful World" to a puppy.

Backstage

Two whatnots leave the stage.
Fozzie Hey, sounded lovely! Sounded wonderful! Wish I knew how it looked...
Floyd Hey, Fozzie, my main fuzzy.
Fozzie Ah! Oh, Floyd.
Floyd Yeah. Listen, you know one of the dudes in the band is so turned on by the fact that you suggested we do Lullaby of Birdland...
Fozzie Yeah?
Floyd ...he would like to shake your hand personally.
Fozzie Hey, out of sight!
Floyd Okay!
Animal enters and tackles Fozzie to the ground.
Animal (pouncing on him) Thank you!
Floyd No, Animal! You promised! Hey, man! Heel, heel!
Animal and Floyd leave
Fozzie (stands up disheveled and groaning) I didn't know it hurt to be hip.

The Swedish Chef: Fishy Chowder

The Swedish Chef sings his theme song while pretending to strum a ladle like a guitar. He throws it at the shelf full of kitchen-ware behind him. He gives a mock-Swedish spiel about "fishy chowder" and dumps a Muppet fish and other ingredients into a bowl.
SCfishiechowder
He tries to grind pepper into the bowl, and the fish grabs the grinder out of his hand. He pokes at it with a rubber spatula and the fish steals that as well. The chef slaps at the fish and leans down into the bowl, as the fish bites his nose and pulls his face down into it. We hear the chef making eating noises. He takes his head out of the bowl and gives the "ok" sign to the camera. The fish pokes up its head again, and the chef slaps it back down into the bowl.
Waldorf (groaning)
Statler What's wrong with you?
Waldorf It's either this show or indigestion. I hope it's indigestion.
Statler Why?
Waldorf It'll get better in a little while.
Statler Oh.

Backstage

Fozzie is inspecting his clipboard again. Floyd enters.
Floyd Fozzie, my fuzzy!
Fozzie Hey!
Floyd Hey, everything is everything!
Fozzie Whatever! Hey!
Floyd Mmhmm. I was just wonderin'....
Fozzie Yes!
Floyd ...how you were enjoying your new title as Official Hip Dude.
Fozzie Oh, I love it! I love the title. Just wish it came with a flashlight.
Both of them laugh. Kermit enters.
Kermit Floyd, Floyd, it's time to do Lullaby of Birdland.
Donknotts07
Floyd Ooh, yeah. Speaking of which, uh, since I'm playing vibes in this number, we're gonna need another player for the bass.
Kermit Floyd, how can I find a bass player now? You're on.
Fozzie Hey, Kermit, no problem! I have already found the perfect bass player. Floyd, you just go out there and start cookin', baby!
Floyd Ah, yeah, my bear. I knew you were a gas. (leaves toward stage)
Fozzie Yes! All right! And I will introduce this number for my hip brothers, green stuff. Hey hey! (slides onstage)
Kermit The, uh, bear has wigged out.

"Lullaby of Birdland"

Fozzie slides onstage and faces the curtain.
Fozzie Hey! All right! All you hip dudes and swinging sisters out...
He realizes his mistake and turns around.
Fozzie Hey! All right! All you hip dudes and swinging sisters out there. Time for a great golden goodie from Fozzie's Wiggie Wonder World. Here is Lullaby of Birdland.
The curtains open. Don Knotts is holding a bass in front of Zoot with his saxophone, Floyd with a vibraphone, Animal with his drums, and Dr. Teeth with his keyboard.
Floyd Search no more, my man. You must be the bass player.
Don How'd you guess?
Floyd Oh, a shot in the dark.
Don Okay. (takes off his sunglasses and throws them offscreen) I'm cool.
Dr. Teeth Listen, we're gonna lay down a little Lullaby of Birdland on this cornball show. Can you dig it?
Don Can I dig it? I got the music right here, man! (whacks his music stand with his bow and papers fall)
Dr. Teeth Sheet music. I haven't seen that stuff for years. Look at that, the cat can follow the dots.
Floyd (chuckles) All right. Now, Lullaby of Birdland.
Dr. Teeth Uno, dos, tres...
They all begin to play "Lullaby of Birdland" for a few seconds, then stop when Floyd starts shouting at Don.
Floyd Wait a minute! Hey, hey! Hold it! What in the pluperfect past tense was that?
Don The Lullaby of Birdland, man!
Dr. Teeth Oh, yeah? Well, it sounds like the bird died.
Zoot You better lose the bow, baby.
Don I knew something was wrong. (throws bow offscreen)
Dr. Teeth All right, here we go, guys. Eins, zwei, drei...
They all start the song again, this time with Don glumly plucking at the bass.
Floyd Faster, man. This ain't no wedding.
Don complies.
Floyd Faster, man, faster.
Lullabyofbirdland
Don plays faster and faster. The band cheers him on.
Floyd Take it, man!
Zoot All right!
Animal Yeah! Yeah!
Floyd Here we go!
The bass explodes, and so does Don's suit.
Animal I loved it!

Goodnights

Kermit is on the stage.
Kermit Well, that's it for another show. I'd like to thank the guy who helped me plan tonight's merriment, good ol Fozzie Bear.
Fozzie, still in his shades, is feeling his way across stage behind Kermit.
Fozzie Uh, hooha, hello? Ha... Hello? Hello, hello?
Crashes and Fozzie's yells are heard as he goes off the other end of the stage.
Kermit You went too far, Fozzie! Anyhow, and, of course, our very special guest star, the wonderful Mr. Don Knotts.
Don Knotts comes onstage, also with his shades.
Don Thank you! Thank you, Kermit... wherever you are.
Floyd and Fozzie both come onstage.
Donknotts08
Floyd Hey, hey! Me and the band just took another vote because of what happened in the Birdland number.
Fozzie Yeah?
Floyd You have been officially and permanently deshaded. Take off your peepholes.
Fozzie Oh no... (takes them off)
Don Oh, don't worry, Fozzie. Always remember... (takes off his shades) ...Square is beautiful!
Fozzie You bet!
Floyd I'll see that bet and raise you five.
Kermit That's it for tonight. We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!
The three, plus Scooter and Zoot, surround Don as the credits roll and the ending theme plays.
Statler This show is awful.
Waldorf Terrible.
Statler Disgusting.
Waldorf See you next week?
Statler Of course.

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