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Episode 124: Mummenschanz/transcript

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Opening number




"The Blue Danube"


At the Dance

UK spot

Talk spot


Wayne and Wanda



Muppet newsflash



It's The Muppet Show with our special guest stars, the Mummenschanz.

It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights, it's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight. It's time to put on makeup, it's time to dress up right, it's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight.

Hey! 30 days has September, April, June, and my cousin Fred, who'll be out on Wednesday.

To introduce our guest star

That's what I'm here to do

So it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

The Mummenschanz!

But now let's get things started

on the most sensational, inspirational

Celebrational, Muppetational

This is what we call

The Muppet Show

Thank you, thank you. And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And a rather unusual one we have planned, because our special guest stars are the unique masked theater group from Switzerland known as the Mummenschanz. But right now, let's get things started with Floyd, Scooter and the gang and "Mr. Bass Man."

Hey, Mr. Bass Man

You've got that certain something

Hey, Mr. Bass Man

You set that music thumping

To you it's easy

When you go one, two, three


You mean ba-ba-ba

ba-ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba ba

Yeah! Hey, Mr. Bass Man

You're on all the songs

With a

ba-ba-ba-ba boom boom

And a ba-ba-ba-ba

boom-boom bam-bam

Hey, Mr. Bass Man

You're the hidden

king of rock and roll


ba? No, no

Ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba

ba-ba ba-ba ba

Oh! Well, it don't mean a thing

When the leader's singing

Or when he goes

Ay-ay ay

hi-ay-ay-ay-ay Yeah

Hey, Mr. Bass Man

I'm asking just one thing

Will you please teach me

Yeah, the way you sing?

'Cause, Mr. Bass Man

I wanna be a bass man too

Ba-ba ba-ba

ba? Like this

Ba-ba-ba ba-ba

ba-ba-ba-ba ba ba

Boom boom boom boom

ba-ba-ba boom boom boom boom

Now you -

Boom-boom-boom-boom boom


boom-boom-boom boom boom

With me

Boom boom boom boom


boom-boom-boom boom boom

Ba-ba-ba boom ba-ba-boom

ba-ba-boom ba-ba-boom

Ba-ba-boom boom boom

boom boom boom boom boom

Well, it don't mean a thing

When the leader's singing

Or when he goes

Ay-ay ay

hi-ay-ay-ay-ay Yeah

Hey, Mr. Bass Man

I think I'm really with it

Hey, Mr. Boom

ba-boom ba-boom

With a de-de

de-de de-de de-de

Come on, Mr. Bass Man

Now I'm a bass man too

De-de de-de

ba ba ba?

Ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba

ba-ba ba-ba ba ba

Boom boom boom boom ba-ba-ba

boom-boom boom boom boom

Ba-ba boom-boom-boom

boom boom You got it


boom-boom-boom boom boom


boom-boom-boom boom boom


boom-boom-boom boom boom

Ba-ba-ba boom ba-ba-boom

ba-ba-boom ba-ba-boom

Ba ba boom boom boom boom boom


Genius! Genius!

Author! Author!

A work of art.


What was that about?

That was about, uh a minute and a half.

Hello? Is this DiaI-A-Joke?

Fish got to swim, birds got to fly

I've got to love one frog till I die

Hmm. What is this? "My dearest Piggy," "You must know how much I love you." Uh, uh "I cannot pretend any longer. I will wait for you in the dressing room, mon cher." It has happened! Oh! My Kermit has admitted his love for me at last. And now, he waits within. Oh, come to my arms, my little passion flower! I'm here, my love.

Kissy kissy?

Our special guest, the Mummenschanz, is a group of performers who – Well, they're kind of distant cousins to the Muppets. They use a unique mixture of pantomime and masks that's about as difficult to describe as to pronounce. Ladies and gentlemen, the Mummenschanz.

Fantastic. Incredible.

They remind me of puppets.

Hmm, puppets. I've always hated puppets.

Ah, you're a traitor to your class.

What class? I never even graduated.

She kissed me. She put her arms around me and she kissed me.

It was a case of mistaken identity.

Oh. Hug me, Miss Piggy. Hold me.

I will not hug you, you twit turkey.

Oh. Hold my hand, pig of my dreams.

Will you beat it, twerp?

Oh. Just touch me, oh hog of my heart.

Here's a touch for you, wimp buzzard.

I'm ready!


She touched me. She swung her porky pinkies and she touched me.



- Shh!



Uh, the Mummenschanz do some very strange-looking things. Things that look like this. Then there's something that goes like this. And how about this one?

How long we been going together, anyway?

Oh, about ten years.

Well, it's time we got married.

Oh, gee, it's so sudden.

There is such riff-raff here. Wouldn't you rather be associated with a better class of people?

Yeah. But you were the only one not dancing.

Animal, my watch won't run.

Ah! Here, I run it for you.

Ah! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Hey, you are one cute tomato, my little dumpling, my little cupcake, my little lamb chop.

Oh, that makes me feel so so ...

Amorous? Let's kiss.

No, hungry. Let's eat.

Hey, you know these jokes they give us each week? You know, they make me so mad, I could blow my top.

Me too.

Ladies first.

Ah, I feel better now.

Oh, my heart is beating wildly

And it's because you're here

When I'm not near the fish I love

I love the fish I'm near

Every fin that flutters by me

Is a flame that must be fanned

When I can't fondle

the fin that I'm fond of

I fondle the fin at hand

I love every flipper

of each little kipper

For each one is hipper, my dear

When I'm not near the fish I love

I love the fish I'm near

Hello, there,



For herring I'm caring

For tuna I swoon-a

I'm faithful to whoever's here

When I'm not near the fish I love

I love the fish I'm near

Ah Ah Ah Ah

Help me,

- Oh, OK,

Thank you,

- It's all right,

Well, this is the part of the show where I usually spend a few moments talking to the guest stars, but in this case the Mummenschanz don't talk, do you? Yeah? Oh, well. Um In that case, uh, say something. I mean, say anything. It doesn't have to be important. I mean, you can say something silly.

Ask for silly, you get silly. Uh, does anybody have anything important to say?


And, uh, with that thought we bid goodbye to the talk spot for another week.

Bravo! Bravo!

What are you bravoing about?

That performance. It was first-rate.

Yes, it was good. But only one act I've ever seen deserved a bravo.

Oh, really? Who was that?

Lady Beth Macintosh and her singing parakeets. I'll never forget her closing night at the Palace.

What happened?

Well, she fell into a box of birdseed just before going on stage and she was pecked to death by the parakeets.

That's a hard act to follow.

Yeah. Well, I was there and I cried.

Really? What did you cry?

Bravo! Bravo!

Oh, here she comes. Get down, get down.

Oh, hi, uh, Piggy, my dear.

Did you call me "my dear," Kermie?

Indeed I did, I was just wondering if you'd like to go to dinner after the show.


Yeah. You know, a quiet, candlelit meal with soft music, perhaps some wine. And then go dancing, and walk by the river in the moonlight.

Oh, I would love those things, my dear.

Good. So would Gonzo here, and I hope the two of you have a great evening.

Ah. Kissy kissy?

I'm gonna cut you in half for this, Frog.

It is my distinct pleasure at this time to present Wayne and Wanda, of whom noted composer and conductor Leonard Bernstein wrote: "These two are a manifestation of the musical mediocrity that passes for talent in our troubled times."

Hm. Nice review.

Say it's only a paper moon

Hanging over a ---

Hello. I am Vendaface.


Simply insert coin in slot, step up to machine, and I will rearrange your looks.

All right.

Phase one.

This good?

Oh, Kermit? That was a low and dirty trick, setting up a date with me and Gonzo.

Wasn't it?

Well Well, Piggy, I suppose it was, yeah. I'm sorry.

Oh, really? Oh! How sweet of you to apologize so abjectly to your lover pig.

Well, that wasn't exactly an abject apology.

Get away from me, you giant beak!

Kermit, now that you've begged for my forgiveness – Don't touch me, creep! – Why don't we just kissy-poo and make up, my darling?

You're breathing on me!

Kissy kissy?

Uh … Well, Piggy, while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you'll understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.

Oh, then, can I have her?


That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

Here's a Muppet news flash. Dateline, Moscow. Sergei Lenofsky, whom the Russians claim is the world's oldest living human, celebrated his 196th birthday yesterday by taking a deep breath. Sergei has 96 children, 150 grandchildren and 228 great-grandchildren, none of whom visit him. Said his youngest son, Leonid: "He smells funny."

Ladies and gentlemen, the Mummenschanz.

Well, that's about all the time we have ...

Oh, Kermit, my love, I am so sorry about my little temper tantrum. Old buzzard-beak was driving me crazy.

You drive me crazy, Miss Piggy.

You know something, Nasty Nose? I'm going to send you on a one-way trip to the geek farm.

Send me!

Pig power.

Well, the course of true love never runs smooth. But right now, let's have a warm thank-you to our special guest stars, Andres Bossard, Floriana Frassetto and Bernie Schurch, better known as the Mummenschanz.

Thank you, Kermit. It's been great.

Say, you guys really do work as a team. We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.

That was a funny show.

Yes, it was.

I wonder if they meant it that way?

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