Theme

Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest stars, the Mummenschanz!
The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!

Male chorus

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!

The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie Hey! 30 days has September, April, June, and my cousin Fred, who'll be out on Wednesday.
He tosses his hat. The curtain closes.
Kermit

To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
the Mummenschanz!

Muppets gather around two of the Mummenschanz members.
Kermit But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang

On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!

119-1
BANG! Gonzo shoots the O.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. And a rather unusual one we have planned, because our special guest stars are the unique masked theater group from Switzerland known as the Mummenschanz. But right now, let's get things started with Floyd, Scooter and the gang and "Mr. Bassman."
124 bassman Bassman
Scooter and Floyd Pepper sing "Mr. Bassman" with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem backing them up.
Statler Genius! Genius!
Waldorf Author! Author!
Statler A work of art.
Waldorf Brilliant.
Statler Uh, what was that about?
Waldorf That was about, uh … (looks at his watch) … a minute and a half.

Backstage

Hilda observes as Fozzie talks on the phone, and Miss Piggy sings.
Fozzie Hello? Is this Dial-A-Joke? … (laughs)
Miss Piggy

Fish got to swim, birds got to fly.
I've got to love one frog till I die.

She sees a note on the door of her dressing room.
Miss Piggy Hmm. What is this? "My dearest Piggy, you must know how much I love you." (gasps, then continues) Uh, uh — "I cannot pretend any longer. I will wait for you in the dressing room, mon cher."
124 note
Miss Piggy (gasps) It has happened! Oh! My Kermit has admitted his love for me at last. And now, he waits within. Oh, come to my arms, my little passion flower!
She goes into the dressing room and shuts the door.
Miss Piggy I'm here, my love.
WHOOSH! Gonzo throws himself at her.
Piggygonzo124
Gonzo Kissy kissy?
She screams and falls down. Gonzo sighs.

Mummenschanz

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Our special guest, the Mummenschanz, is a group of performers who – Well, they're kind of distant cousins to the Muppets. They use a unique mixture of pantomime and masks that's about as difficult to describe as to pronounce. Ladies and gentlemen, the Mummenschanz.
124 masks
For their first act, they wear masks with different facial expressions drawn on. As the story progresses, they tear away pieces of the mask or draw on the mask, revealing new expressions.
Waldorf Fantastic. Incredible. They remind me of puppets.
Statler Hmm, puppets. I've always hated puppets.
Waldorf Aw, you're a traitor to your class.
Statler What class? I never even graduated.
Waldorf gives Statler a smack in the face.

Backstage

Gonzo follows Piggy with flowers, singing.
124 she kissed me
Gonzo She kissed me. She put her arms around me and she kissed me.
Miss Piggy It was a case of mistaken identity.
Gonzo Oh. Hug me, Miss Piggy! Hold me!
Miss Piggy I will not hug you, you twit turkey.
Gonzo Oh. Hold my hand, pig of my dreams!
Miss Piggy Will you beat it, twerp??
Gonzo Just touch me, o hog of my heart!
Miss Piggy Here's a touch for you, wimp buzzard.
Gonzo I'm ready!
Miss Piggy (karate-chop) HI-YAH!
She walks off. Gonzo gets up.
Gonzo (singing) She touched me. She swung her porky pinkies and she touched me. (faints)

"The Blue Danube"

Teamworkinaction
"The Blue Danube" is performed by the noisy patrons of a library. Miss Piggy sneezes or coughs her part. Fozzie Bear blows his nose and taps on the table. Hilda rustles the pages of a newspaper. Nigel chews gum, and Zelda Rose, the librarian, conducts the whole thing, as Wayne and Wanda dance.

Mummenschanz

Kermit Uh, the Mummenschanz do some very strange-looking things. Things that look like this.
124 schanz1
One of the members assumes the role of a caterpillar.
Kermit And then there's something that goes like this.
124 bug
One of the members assumes the role of a fly.
Kermit And how about this one?
124 schanz3
One of the members assumes the role of a green mouth that catches a speck with its tongue and eats it.

At the Dance

Couples dance in a ballroom.
Male pig How long we been going together, anyway?
Female pig Oh, about ten years.
Male pig Well, it's time we got married.
Female pig (gasp) Oh, gee, it's so sudden.
Mildred and George, together again.
Mildred There is such riff-raff here. Wouldn't you rather be associated with a better class of people?
George the Janitor Yeah. But you were the only one not dancing. (laughs)
Animal dances with a woman.
Woman Animal, my watch won't run.
Animal Ah! Here, I run it for you.
He grabs her by the wrist and runs with her as she yelps. Meanwhile, Rowlf dances with another woman.
Rowlf Hey, you are one cute tomato, my little dumpling, my little cupcake, my little lamb chop.
Woman 2 Oh, that makes me feel so so ...
Rowlf Amorous? Let's kiss.
Woman 2 No, hungry. Let's eat.
Switch to two Whatnots.
Blue Whatnot Hey, you know these jokes they give us each week? You know, they make me so mad, I could blow my top.
Pink Whatnot Me too.
Blue Whatnot Ladies first.
Her head explodes, then his. They continue dancing.
124 at the dance
Blue Whatnot Ah, I feel better now.

UK spot

Character.eel
An eel sings "When I'm Not Near the Fish I Love."
Waldorf sneezes, and his face deflates.
Waldorf (muffled) Statler?
Statler Oh, OK.
Statler blows into Waldorf's ear, inflating his face back to normal.
Waldorf Thank you.
Statler 's all right.

Talk spot

The three Mummenschanz members sit with Kermit at the regular spot.
Kermit Well, uh, this is the part of the show where I usually spend a few moments talking to the guest stars, but in this case the Mummenschanz don't talk, do you?
They nod.
Kermit Yeah? Oh, well, um, ahem, in that case, uh, say something. I mean, say anything. It doesn't have to be important. I mean, you can say something silly.
#1 blows bubbles out its mask.
Kermit Ask for silly, you get silly.
#2 enlarges their eyes (balloons).
Kermit Uh, does anybody have anything important to say?
#3 raises their hand.
Kermit Yeah?
#3 unscrews the cap of their mask (a gasoline container), and out comes a ping-pong ball. #3 puts the ping-pong ball into the lid of #2's head. #2 blows noisemakers out their head.
124 talk spot
Kermit And, uh, with that thought we bid goodbye to the talk spot for another week.
Waldorf Bravo! Bravo!
Statler What are you bravoing about?
Waldorf That performance. It was first-rate.
Statler Yes, it was good. But only one act I've ever seen deserved a bravo.
Waldorf Oh, really? Who was that?
Statler Lady Beth Macintosh and her singing parakeets. I'll never forget her closing night at the Palace.
Waldorf What happened?
Statler Well, she fell into a box of birdseed just before going on stage, and she was pecked to death by the parakeets!
Waldorf That's a hard act to follow.
Statler Yeah. Well, I was there and I cried.
Waldorf Really? What did you cry?
Statler "Bravo! Bravo!"
Waldorf nods.

Backstage

Kermit stands with Gonzo. They see Piggy approaching.
Kermit Oh, here she comes. Get down, get down.
Gonzo Oh. Yeah. (hides)
Kermit Oh, hi, uh, Piggy, my dear.
Miss Piggy Did you call me "my dear," Kermie?
Kermit Indeed I did. I was just wondering if you'd like to go to dinner after the show?
Miss Piggy What?
Kermit Yeah. You know, a quiet, candlelit meal with soft music, perhaps some wine. (she swoons) And then go dancing, and walk by the river in the moonlight.
124 kermit de bergerac
Miss Piggy Oh, I would love those things, my dear.
He reveals Gonzo.
Kermit Good. So would Gonzo here, and I hope the two of you have a great evening.
He shoves Gonzo onto Piggy and exits, laughing.
124 kissy kissy
Gonzo Kissy kissy?
Miss Piggy I'm gonna cut you in half for this, Frog!

Wayne and Wanda

Sam the Eagle It is my distinct pleasure at this time to present Wayne and Wanda, of whom noted composer and conductor Leonard Bernstein wrote: (reads from a newspaper) "These two are a manifestation of the musical mediocrity that passes for talent in our troubled times." Hm. Nice review.
The curtain opens on Wayne and Wanda in a gazebo setting as music swells up.
Papermoonww
Wayne

Say it's only a paper moon,
Hanging over a —

The paper moon falls on him. Wanda shrieks.
124 paper moon

Vendaface

Statler walks by the Vendaface machine.
Vendaface Hello. I am Vendaface.
Statler Huh?
Vendaface Simply insert coin in slot, step up to machine, and I will rearrange your looks.
Statler All right.
He inserts the coin in the slot.
Vendaface Phase one.
Two mechanical hands emerge and tilt Statler's head upward.
Statler This good?
124 vendaface
The right hand punches Statler's face, leaving it twisted. The hands retract; Statler walks away.

Backstage

Piggy approaches Kermit as he sits at his desk.
Miss Piggy Oh, Kermit? That was a low and dirty trick, setting up a date with me and Gonzo. Wasn't it?
Kermit Well — Well, Piggy, I suppose it was, yeah. I'm sorry.
Miss Piggy Oh, really? Oh! How sweet of you to apologize so abjectly to your lover pig.
She leans on his shoulder. Gonzo leans on her shoulder.
Kermit Well, that wasn't exactly an abject apology.
Piggy talks back and forth to Kermit and Gonzo.
Miss Piggy Get away from me, you giant beak! – Kermit, now that you've begged for my forgiveness – DON'T TOUCH ME, CREEP!! – Why don't we just kissy-poo and make up, my darling? — YOU'RE BREATHING ON ME!! — Kissy kissy?
Kermit Uh … Well, Piggy, while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you'll understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.
124 love triangle
Gonzo Oh, then, can I have her?
She uses both hands to karate-chop them both.
Miss Piggy HI-YAH! … That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop. Humph!
She walks off. Kermit and Gonzo get up, dazed and crumpled.

Muppet newsflash

Newsman Here's a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Dateline, Moscow. Sergei Lenofsky, whom the Russians claim is the world's oldest living human, celebrated his 196th birthday yesterday by taking a deep breath. Sergei has 96 children, 150 grandchildren and 228 great-grandchildren … none of whom visit him. Said his youngest son, Leonid: "He smells funny."
124 news flash

Mummenschanz

Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, the Mummenschanz.
124 clay
The Mummenschanz perform with masks made of clay. As the scene progresses, they add more and more clay, changing their appearance. The one character is jealous of the other's ability to make beautiful sculptures with his face. Soon, this devolves into a battle in which they eventually find themselves stuck to each other.

Goodnights

Kermit Well, that's about all the time we have ...
Miss Piggy Oh, Kermit, my love, I am so sorry about my little temper tantrum. Old buzzard-beak was driving me crazy.
WHOOSH! Gonzo throws himself at her again.
Gonzo You drive me crazy, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy You know something, Nasty Nose? I'm going to send you on a one-way trip to the geek farm!!
Gonzo Send me!
She punches him, then holds up her fist.
124pigpower
Miss Piggy Pig power!
She exits.
Kermit Well, the course of true love never runs smooth. But right now, let's have a warm thank-you to our special guest stars, Andres Bossard, Floriana Frassetto and Bernie Schurch, better known as the Mummenschanz.
Mummeschanzunmasked
Mummenschanz (in unison) Thank you, Kermit. It's been great.
Kermit Say, you guys really do work as a team. We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!
Floyd, Scooter, George, Hilda and Piggy gather around the Mummenschanz as the credits roll.
Waldorf That was a funny show.
Statler Yes, it was. I wonder if they meant it that way?
ATV
THE END

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