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Episode 123: Kaye Ballard/transcript

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Theme

Opening number

Backstage

"Oh Babe What Would You Say"

Backstage

Muppet newsflash

At the Dance

UK spot

Talk spot

Barber shop

Backstage

Vendaface

Backstage

"One Note Samba"

Goodnights

It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Kaye Ballard.

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey! Have you heard the one about this very fat pig?

Have you heard the one about this very flat bear? Hii-yah!

To introduce our guest star

That's what I'm here to do

So it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

Miss Kaye Ballard,

But now let's get things started

on the most sensational, inspirational

Celebrational, Muppetational

This is what we call

The Muppet Show

Not bad. Whoop!

Thank you, thank you. And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And our special guest star tonight is one of the funniest ladies in the business, and one of the nicest, Miss Kaye Ballard. So we think it's gonna be a great show tonight, And if you stick around, we think you'll agree. But right now, let's get things moving on The Muppet Show.

One, two, three.

In the summertime when all

the trees and leaves are green

And the redbird sings I'll be blue

'Cause you don't want my love

"Some other time" that's

what you say when I want you

Then you laugh at me and make me cry

'Cause you don't want my love

You don't seem to care a thing

about me You'd rather live without me

Than to have my arms around you when

the nights are cold and you're so all alone

Ging gong de-gong gong ging

ga-ding ga-ding ga-ding ga-ding dong

In the summertime when all

the trees and leaves are green

And the redbird sings I'll be blue

'Cause you don't want my love

Duh duh duh diggle diggle

ding dong ding dong ding

Diggle diggle diggle dong ding dong

Ring a ding a ding bah

bing bam bing ba bing bam

Once upon a time you

used to smile and wave to me

And walk with me but now you don't

'Cause you don't want my love

Some other guy's

taking up all your time

Now you don't have time for me

'Cause you don't want my love

You don't seem to care a thing

about me You'd rather live without me

Than to have my arms around you when

the nights are cold and you're so all alone

Ghee ghee goh-ghee-ghee

ghee ga-ga-ghee-ghee

In the summertime when all

the trees and leaves are green

And the redbird sings I'll be blue

'Cause you don't want my love

Duh duh duh diddle

diddle ding diddle dong ding

Diddle diddle dong ding dong ding

Ring a ding a ding

ba bing bong bing bong

Diddle diddle bing bang bong

Encore! Encore!

Not so loud. They may hear you.

Hey, Kermit. So long, man.

Hey, b-but, Floyd, the show is on. You should be in the orchestra pit.

Sorry, man, I'm ankling.

Ankling?

Yeah, ankling, You know, leaving. I've come to the coda. I'm using the door marked "Exit." Like a banana in the presence of ice cream, I intend to split.

B-but, Floyd, you can't just leave us.

Listen, Kermit, you're a nice little dude in your own amphibian way, but I just can't take it anymore.

But what's the matter?

It's the theme song.

The theme?

Kermit, you are talking to Floyd Pepper, the hippest of the hip. I mean, I have a room for life at the Home for the Chronically Groovy. And every week I have to come in here and play.

Nice.

It's embarrassingly square. And I don't play square.

Yeah, but, Floyd, none of the other musicians have complained.

Drag city.

Yeah, we're gonna beat feet.

Hey, Animal, you like the theme, don't you?

Yeah, yeah!

No, no.

No, no.

Uncopacetic.

Hey, but wait a minute, Floyd. What about Kaye Ballard's big number?

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. The dude's right.

Yeah, we can't walk out on Kaye Ballard's number.

Good.

We'll walk out after Kaye Ballard's number.

Phew/ A stay of execution. I must remember to thank the warden.

Whoop.

Right now, gang, it's time to meet a star who knows her way around a song like I know my way around a lily pad, Miss Kaye Ballard.

What Would You Say?")

Have I a hope or half a chance

To even ask if I

could dance with you?

Yoo-hoo,

Would you greet me

or politely turn away?

Oh, Kaye,

Would there suddenly be sunshine

On a cold and rainy day?

Oh, babe

What would you say?

Well, there you are, sweet lollipop

Yes, here I am

with such a lot to say

Hey, hey,

Just to walk with

you along the Milky Way

To caress you through the nighttime

Bring you flowers every day

Oh, babe

What would you say?

I'm so sorry,

Yes, oh, baby I know

I know I could be so in love

With you

And I know that I

could make you love me too

And if I could only

hear you say you do

But anyway

What would you say?

And I know that I

could make you love me too

And if I could only

hear you say you do

But anyway

What would you say?

What would you say?

What would you say?

I could watch Kaye Ballard all night.

Mm, I tried it once, but she pulled the shade down.

You dirty old man.

OK, green stuff, me and the guys stayed through the Kaye Ballard number, and now, before it's time for that awful theme song, we're leaving,

But w-wait a minute. Hey, Kaye's got another number.

Oh, yeah? Well, maybe we'll stay for that.

Oh, good. Listen, I'm asking you, just stay through to the end of the show so you can play the theme.

That does it. We're leaving.

But W-wait a minute, wait a minute. Listen, If you do it, next week we'll have a new theme.

Oh, yeah? Well, maybe we'll stay, then.

Good, because your noble conductor, Nigel here, has offered to write a new theme.

We're leaving,

B-but why?

He wrote the first one, man.

Hey, but, guys, come on! Please. Listen.

I always thought it was kind of a hip tune.

Here's a Muppet news flash. Dateline, Boston, Massachusetts. Mrs. Gretchen Powers of that city is trying to enter the Guinness Book of Records by completing the world's longest sentence.

She began talking six weeks ago and neighbors say she hasn't stopped since. Our Muppet cameras are in her home now. Mrs. Powers?

...and the dog fell over the nose of the tree went into the spaghetti factory while six million men marched in their foghorns under a double-decker bus, whose onion soup spoke of

Mrs. Powers, if we could interrupt for a moment

... but for the grace of the noodle pie go I, said the spokesman for the group, who wore a turtleneck convertible as the rain fell

The sentence you're saying is long.

… but I'm missing the point of it, in what was said not the fault of the blueberry bush, but instead when the investigators arrived at the corset factory ...

Mrs. Powers' husband Carl said it makes about as much sense as anything she's said. He said this from his home at the Clinging Vine Home for the Crazed.

… because that is the way it is, you cannot believe what goes on ...

My family has quite a history. You can find a record of them in the 17th century.

So has my family. You can find a record of them in the 19th precinct.

George, why is it that everything we discuss, you reduce to the level of the gutter?

I just want to make you feel comfortable.

So I said to him, "What kind of a girl do you think I am?" I told him I never wanted to see him again. Never, never, never. Do you think I did the right thing, Herman?

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

Oh.

Il canto E I'amore Ma il bambino

Is that Italian?

No, it's pig Latin.

Pig Latin!

Do you get it?

Well, the sun comes

up and the sun goes down

The hands on the

clock keep movin' around

I just get up and

it's time to sit down

Life gets tee-jus, don't it?

My shoe's untied

but, oh, I don't care

I ain't figurin' on going nowhere

Oh, I'd just have to

wash and comb my hair

And that's just wasted effort

Mouse is chewin' on the pantry door

He's been at it for a month or more

When he gets through

he'll sure be sore

'Cause there ain't

a darn thing in there

Tin roof leaks and the chimney leans

There's a hole in the

seat of my old blue jeans

And I've ate up the

last of the pork 'n beans

Just can't depend on nuthin'

Hound dawg howlin' so forlorn

He's the laziest

dawg that ever was born

He's howlin' 'cause

he's a-sittin' on a thorn

And he's just too tired to move over

Sun comes up and the sun goes down

Hands on the clock

keep movin' around

I just get up

And it's time to lay down

Life gets tee-jus, don't it?

How you doing, pudding head?

Hey, Kaye, I hope you're enjoying yourself.

Yes, I'm loving it. Everything is just great, Kermit.

Good. Well, we are having some trouble here.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, the band is threatening to quit.

Oh!

To tell you the truth, Kaye, sometimes I don't think I understand musicians.

Well, I'll tell you what, Kermit. You know maybe I can help because I'm a bit of a musician myself.

Well, you know, Kaye, if you could help smooth things over, I'd really appreciate it.

Well, I'd like to try. Animal! Come here, I'd like to talk to you a minute. Now listen. Why are you guys so unhappy?

No kidding?

Oh, well, you've got a point. You have a point, I'm willing to say you have a point.

Kermit.

- Yeah?

Animal feels a deep-seated hostility. Am I right so far?

Deep seated, in what he interprets as a demeaning situation. Right?

Demeaning.

Gee, Kaye, you do understand musicians, don't you?

Well, I try. I'll try to fix it. Animal?

- Yeah?

I have been giving it serious consideration and I honestly ... Personally, I don't think that I think it's good...

Argh!

Animal! Animal! Animal! Please control yourself. Wait a minute. You've got to understand that I am just visiting here. Now, I really feel you should discuss this further with Kermit.

I don't think we need to actually discuss it.

- Discuss! Argh!

Is there anything else I can help you with?

How are you at notifying next of kin?

Well, just – Just tell me the area code.

Hi.

Howdy.

I'd like a haircut.

- Sure, I can believe that.

Cut it real short. My rock group just broke up and I'm sick of it.

Check.

Cut it short back, sides, front, top, bottom and middle.

All righty.

You know, I have the feeling this is a running gag.

Yes, but it's the audience that should be doing the running.

Boy, you sure are slow.

Yeah.

All in due time.

By the way, who cuts your hair? The gardener?

Well, there you go, sir. That'll be three dollars.

Oh, rats, I think I've just lost a customer.

OK. Thank you, George. You don't mind cleaning that up, do you? Huh?

Great. Appreciate it.

Hey, my friendly froggy little flipper friend. Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.

Oh, good.

If

If what?

If I can write the new theme song.

Oh, that'll be fine with me.

No, it won't, man.

Why not?

You'll hate my music. You won't understand it.

Wait. Now listen here, I'm pretty hip too, you know.

Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.

You don't?

If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.

Gee, I can hardly wait to hear it.

I gotta get myself together

Hello. I am Vendaface, the world's first fully-automated face-lift machine. Just insert coin in the slot, step up to the machine and within moments your face-lift will be complete.

Oh, yes! I'll do it, I'll do it!

Now for phase one.

Now for phase two.

Oh! I love it! I love it!

Now for phase one.

Now for phase two.

Next.

OK, everybody ready?

OK, So you've written a new theme song, huh?

Right. Right. If you like it, we stay. If you don't, it's "Auld Lang Syne" time.

I am sure I will love it. Go.

It's called "Fugue for Frog,"

See, I already love that part.

Good, 'cause you'll hate the rest.

Hit it!

Mu-Mu-Mu-ppet

Show

That was the worst! And besides that, how are you gonna play Kaye Ballard's closing number from back here?

Like always. Loudly.

Frog has no musical taste.

Once again, Miss Kaye Ballard.

This is just a little samba

Built upon a single note

Other notes are bound to follow

But the root is still that note

Now the new one is the consequence

Of the one we've just been through

As I'm bound to be the unavoidable

Consequence of you

There's so many people who

can talk and talk and talk

And just say nothing

or nearly nothing

You have used up all the scale you

know and at the end you've come to nothing

Or nearly nothing

So I come back to my first note

As I must come back to you

I will pour into that one note

All the love I feel for you

Anyone who wants the whole show

Re mi fa so la ti do

She will find herself with no show

Better play the note you know

Well, that's about all the time we have.

Hey, Kermit. Me and the band want Miss Ballard to sign this petition about the theme song of the show.

Will you guys get out of here?

OK, We're ankling. Come on.

Out, out, out!

Ankling!

Well, having settled that, I'd like a warm thank you to our special guest star Miss Kaye Ballard! Yay!

Kermit, thank you. I love you, I really do, I love all of you. Wait a minute, I take that back, There's one exception. I'm not too sure about Miss Piggy because I think she's very hoggy.

Hoggy? Hoggy this! Hii-yah!

Ow!

We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.

Well, you must admit, Nigel, this does sound a little square.

Play, hound, play.

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