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Episode 123: Kaye Ballard/transcript

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It's The Muppet Show, with our

special guest star Miss Kaye Ballard,

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey! Have you heard the

one about this very fat pig?

Have you heard the one

about this very flat bear?


To introduce our guest star

That's what I'm here to do

So it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

Miss Kaye Ballard,

But now let's get things started

on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

This is what we call

The Muppet Show

Not bad,


Thank you, thank you, And

welcome again to The Muppet Show.

And our special guest star tonight is one

of the funniest ladies in the business,

and one of the nicest,

Miss Kaye Ballard,

So we think it's gonna

be a great show tonight,

And if you stick around,

we think you'll agree,

But right now, let's get things

moving on The Muppet Show.

One, two, three,

In the summertime when all

the trees and leaves are green

And the redbird sings I'll be blue

'Cause you don't want my love

"Some other time" that's

what you say when I want you

Then you laugh at me and make me cry

'Cause you don't want my love

You don't seem to care a thing

about me You'd rather live without me

Than to have my arms around you when

the nights are cold and you're so all alone

Ging gong de-gong gong ging

ga-ding ga-ding ga-ding ga-ding dong

In the summertime when all

the trees and leaves are green

And the redbird sings I'll be blue

'Cause you don't want my love

Duh duh duh diggle diggle

ding dong ding dong ding

� Diggle diggle diggle dong ding dong

� Ring a ding a ding bah

bing bam bing ba bing bam

Once upon a time you

used to smile and wave to me

And walk with me but now you don't

'Cause you don't want my love

Some other guy's

taking up all your time

Now you don't have time for me

'Cause you don't want my love

You don't seem to care a thing

about me You'd rather live without me

Than to have my arms around you when

the nights are cold and you're so all alone

Ghee ghee goh-ghee-ghee

ghee ga-ga-ghee-ghee

In the summertime when all

the trees and leaves are green

And the redbird sings I'll be blue

'Cause you don't want my love

Duh duh duh diddle

diddle ding diddle dong ding

Diddle diddle dong ding dong ding

Ring a ding a ding

ba bing bong bing bong

Diddle diddle bing bang bong

Encore! Encore!

Not so loud, They may hear you,

Hey, Kermit, So long, man,

Hey, b-but, Floyd, the show is on,

You should be in the orchestra pit,

Sorry, man, I'm ankling,

- Ankling?

Yeah, ankling, You know,

leaving, I've come to the coda,

I'm using the door marked "Exit,"

Like a banana in the presence

of ice cream, I intend to split,

B-but, Floyd, you

can't just leave us,

Listen, Kermit, you're a nice little

dude in your own amphibian way,

but I just can't take it anymore,

- But what's the matter?

It's the theme song,

- The theme?

Kermit, you are talking to Floyd

Pepper, the hippest of the hip,

I mean, I have a room for life at

the Home for the Chronically Groovy,

And every week I have to come in

here and play


It's embarrassingly square,

And I don't play square,

Yeah, but, Floyd, none of the

other musicians have complained,

Drag city,

- Yeah, we're gonna beat feet,

Hey, AnimaI, you like

the theme, don't you?

Yeah, yeah!

No, no,

- No, no,


Hey, but wait a minute, Floyd, What

about Kaye Ballard's big number?

Hey, wait a minute, wait

a minute, The dude's right,

Yeah, we can't walk out

on Kaye Ballard's number,


We'll walk out after

Kaye Ballard's number,

Phew, A stay of execution, I

must remember to thank the warden,


Right now, gang, it's

time to meet a star

who knows her way around a song

like I know my way around a lily pad,

Miss Kaye Ballard,

What Would You Say?")

Have I a hope or half a chance

To even ask if I

could dance with you?


Would you greet me

or politely turn away?

Oh, Kaye,

Would there suddenly be sunshine

On a cold and rainy day?

Oh, babe

What would you say?

Well, there you are, sweet lollipop

Yes, here I am

with such a lot to say

Hey, hey,

Just to walk with

you along the Milky Way

To caress you through the nighttime

Bring you flowers every day

Oh, babe

What would you say?

I'm so sorry,

Yes, oh, baby I know

I know I could be so in love

With you

And I know that I

could make you love me too

And if I could only

hear you say you do

But anyway

What would you say?

And I know that I

could make you love me too

And if I could only

hear you say you do

But anyway

What would you say?

What would you say?

What would you say?

I could watch Kaye Ballard all night,

Mm, I tried it once, but she

pulled the shade down,

You dirty old man,

OK, green stuff, me and the guys

stayed through the Kaye Ballard number,

and now, before it's time for that

awfuI theme song, we're leaving,

But w-wait a minute, Hey,

Kaye's got another number,

Oh, yeah? Well, maybe

we'll stay for that,

Oh, good, Listen, I'm asking you,

just stay through to the end of

the show so you can play the theme,

That does it, We're leaving, -

But W-wait a minute, wait a minute,

Listen, If you do it, next

week we'll have a new theme,

Oh, yeah? Well, maybe

we'll stay, then,

Good, because your noble

conductor, NigeI here,

has offered to write a new theme,

We're leaving,

- B-but why?

He wrote the first one, man,

Hey, but, guys, come

on! Please, Listen,

I always thought it

was kind of a hip tune,

Here's a Muppet news flash,

Dateline, Boston, Massachusetts,

Mrs, Gretchen Powers of that city is

trying to enter the Guinness Book of Records

by completing the

world's longest sentence,

She began talking six weeks ago and

neighbors say she hasn't stopped since,

Our Muppet cameras are in

her home now, Mrs, Powers?

and the dog fell over the nose of

the tree went into the spaghetti factory

while six million men marched in their

foghorns under a double-decker bus,

whose onion soup spoke of

Mrs, Powers, if we could

interrupt for a moment,

but for the grace of the noodle pie

go I, said the spokesman for the group,

who wore a turtleneck

convertible as the rain fell

The sentence you're saying is long,

but I'm missing the point of it,

in what was said not the

fault of the blueberry bush,

but instead when the investigators

arrived at the corset factory

Mrs, Powers' husband CarI said

it makes about as much sense

as anything she's said,

He said this from his home at the

Clinging Vine Home for the Crazed,

because that is the way it is,

you cannot believe what goes on

My family has quite a history, You can

find a record of them in the 1 7th century,

So has my family, You can find a

record of them in the 1 9th precinct,

George, why is it that

everything we discuss,

you reduce to the leveI of the gutter?

I just want to make you

feeI comfortable,

So I said to him,

"What kind of a girI do you think I am?"

I told him I never wanted to see

him again, Never, never, never,

Do you think I did the

right thing, Herman?

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening,


Il canto E I'amore Ma il bambino

Is that Italian?

- No, it's pig Latin,

Pig Latin!

Do you get it?

Well, the sun comes

up and the sun goes down

The hands on the

clock keep movin' around

I just get up and

it's time to sit down

Life gets tee-jus, don't it?

My shoe's untied

but, oh, I don't care

I ain't figurin' on going nowhere

Oh, I'd just have to

wash and comb my hair

And that's just wasted effort

Mouse is chewin' on the pantry door

He's been at it for a month or more

When he gets through

he'll sure be sore

'Cause there ain't

a darn thing in there

Tin roof leaks and the chimney leans

There's a hole in the

seat of my old blue jeans

And I've ate up the

last of the pork 'n beans

Just can't depend on nuthin'

Hound dawg howlin' so forlorn

He's the laziest

dawg that ever was born

He's howlin' 'cause

he's a-sittin' on a thorn

And he's just too tired to move over

Sun comes up and the sun goes down

Hands on the clock

keep movin' around

I just get up

And it's time to lay down

Life gets tee-jus, don't it?

How you doing, pudding head?

Hey, Kaye, I hope

you're enjoying yourself,

Yes, I'm loving it, Everything

is just great, Kermit,

Good, Well, we are

having some trouble here,

Oh, yeah,

Yeah, the band is threatening to quit,

- Oh!

To tell you the truth, Kaye, sometimes

I don't think I understand musicians,

Well, I'll tell you

what, Kermit, You know

maybe I can help because I'm

a bit of a musician myself,

Well, you know, Kaye, if you could help

smooth things over, I'd really appreciate it,

Well, I'd like to try, AnimaI! Come

here, I'd like to talk to you a minute,

Now listen, Why are

you guys so unhappy?

No kidding?

Oh, well, you've got a point, You have a

point, I'm willing to say you have a point,


- Yeah?

AnimaI feels a deep-seated

hostility Am I right so far?

Deep seated,

in what he interprets as

a demeaning situation, Right?


Gee, Kaye, you do understand

musicians, don't you?

Well, I try, I'll try to fix it,


- Yeah?

I have been giving it

serious consideration

and I honestly Personally,

I don't think that

I think it's good,


AnimaI! AnimaI! AnimaI!

Please controI yourself,

Wait a minute, You've got to

understand that I am just visiting here,

Now, I really feeI you should

discuss this further with Kermit,

I don't think we need to actually discuss it,

- Discuss! Argh!

Is there anything else

I can help you with?

How are you at notifying next of kin?

Well, just

Just tell me the area code,


- Howdy,

I'd like a haircut,

- Sure, I can believe that,

Cut it reaI short, My rock group

just broke up and I'm sick of it,


Cut it short back, sides,

front, top, bottom and middle,

All righty,

You know, I have the feeling

this is a running gag,

Yes, but it's the audience that

should be doing the running,

Boy, you sure are slow,


All in due time,

By the way, who cuts

your hair? The gardener?

Well, there you go,

sir, That'll be three dollars,

Oh, rats, I think I've

just lost a customer,

OK, Thank you, George, You don't

mind cleaning that up, do you? Huh?

Great, Appreciate it,

Hey, my friendly froggy

little flipper friend,

Me and the gang have decided

not to end our gig here,

Oh, good,


- If what?

If I can write the new theme song,

- Oh, that'll be fine with me,

No, it won't, man,

- Why not?

You'll hate my music,

You won't understand it,

Wait, Now listen here, I'm

pretty hip too, you know,

Not hip enough, Nobody

understands my music,

I mean, I don't even understand it,

- You don't?

If I didn't know I was a genius, I

wouldn't listen to the trash I write,

Gee, I can hardly wait to hear it,

I gotta get myself together,

Hello. I am Vendaface,

the world's first

fully-automated face-lift machine.

Just insert coin in the

slot, step up to the machine

and within moments your

face-lift will be complete.

Oh, yes! I'll do it, I'll do it!

Now for phase one.

Now for phase two.

Oh! I love it! I love it!

Now for phase one.

Now for phase two.


OK, everybody ready?

OK, So you've written

a new theme song, huh?

Right, Right, If you like it, we stay,

If you don't, it's

"Auld Lang Syne" time,

I am sure I will love it, Go,

It's called "Fugue for Frog,"

See, I already love that part,

- Good, 'cause you'll hate the rest,

Hit it!



That was the worst! And besides that,

how are you gonna play Kaye Ballard's

closing number from back here?

Like always, Loudly,

Frog has no musicaI taste,

Once again, Miss Kaye Ballard,

This is just a little samba

Built upon a single note

Other notes are bound to follow

But the root is still that note

Now the new one is the consequence

Of the one we've just been through

As I'm bound to be the unavoidable

Consequence of you

There's so many people who

can talk and talk and talk

And just say nothing

or nearly nothing

You have used up all the scale you

know and at the end you've come to nothing

Or nearly nothing

So I come back to my first note

As I must come back to you

I will pour into that one note

All the love I feeI for you

Anyone who wants the whole show

Re mi fa so la ti do

She will find herself with no show

Better play the note you know

Well, that's about all the time we have,

- Hey, Kermit,

Me and the band want Miss

Ballard to sign this petition

about the theme song of the show,

Will you guys get out of here?

- OK, We're ankling, Come on,

Out, out, out!


Well, having settled that, I'd like a

warm thank you to our special guest star

Miss Kaye Ballard, Yay!

Kermit, thank you,

I love you, I really

do, I love all of you,

Wait a minute, I take that

back, There's one exception,

I'm not too sure about Miss Piggy

because I think she's very hoggy,

Hoggy? Hoggy this!


- Ow!

We'll see you all next

time on The Muppet Show.

Well, you must admit, NigeI,

this does sound a little square,

Play, hound, play,

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