Episode 122: Ethel Merman/transcript

Theme

	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Ethel Merman!
	The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls	It's time to play the music It's time to light the lights It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus	It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight!
	The curtain opens on Fozzie with a piece of paper.
Fozzie	Hey, I went to a diet doctor, and in just two months I lost $300. (looks at the paper) What?
	The audience laughs. The curtain closes. As Kermit sings, Fozzie re-emerges and tosses the paper.
Kermit	To introduce our guest star, That's what I'm here to do! So it really makes me happy To introduce to you — Miss Ethel Merman!
	The curtain opens on Ethel, surrounded by Muppets.
Kermit	But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang	On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational This is what we call The Muppet Show!
	Before Gonzo can hit the gong, the Green Frackle hits him with a mallet.

Opening number

	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Thank you, thank you, thank you. Welcome, dear friends, to another edition of The Muppet Show. And we're very honored to have as our special guest star one of the true giants of the Broadway musical stage, Miss Ethel Merman.
Miss Piggy	Oh, Kermit, my love. Since Ethel Merman is our guest, as a tribute I plan to sing a medley of all her great hits.
Kermit	Uh, Piggy, why would anyone wanna hear you sing Miss Merman's songs when Miss Merman is here to sing them herself?
Miss Piggy	Well, since I've rehearsed them, why don't I just do 'em and call it a tribute to Irving Berlin?
Kermit	Piggy, will you get outta here? (she walks off in a huff) Out, out, out, out, out! OK. Having settled that, let's kick off the show with a little number we call "Java."
	The opening number, "Java," is performed.
Waldorf	That song had a nice beat.
Statler	No, no. I don't want to eat.
Waldorf	I said "beat." "Beat," you old fool! Why don't you turn up your hearing aid?
Statler	There's gonna be a raid? Well, let's get outta here! (tries to exit the balcony)
Waldorf	(shakes head) I give up.

Backstage

	Two medics haul away the big slinky creature on a stretcher.
Kermit	OK. Nice. Nice number, you guys. Good opening.
Fozzie	Kermit. Kermit. Kermit. Hey, uh, my agent is dropping by a little later in the show.
Kermit	OK, fine.
Fozzie	Yeah.
Kermit	Hey, stand by for the next number.
Scooter	Everything's ready, boss.
Kermit	Good boy, Scooter. (to viewer) That kid's doing a great job.
Fozzie	Hey, d-do you think you'd have time to talk to him?
Kermit	Of course. I always have time to talk to Scooter. His uncle owns the theater.
Fozzie	No, no, no, no, no, I mean my-my agent.
Kermit	What does he own?
Fozzie	(proudly takes off his hat) Ten percent of me.
Kermit	OK. OK. What does he want to talk about?
Fozzie	My contract.
Kermit	Fozzie, you don't have a contract.
Fozzie	That's what he wants to talk about.
Kermit	Will you get outta here?
Fozzie	Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
	Fozzie runs away. Kermit goes onstage.

Duets with Ethel

Kermit	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, ordinarily I'd just introduce the guest star and get out of the way, but tonight I personally get to participate. You see, everybody wanted to sing a duet with Ethel Merman, and because she's introduced so many Broadway hits, we thought that some of us could do a few of them, or a few of us could do some of them. Anyhow, I now take great pleasure in introducing Miss Ethel Merman, and some of her songs, and some of us, and uh, me. I'd better hurry. (goes behind the curtain) Oh — uh, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Ethel Merman!
	Open on Ethel in a dressing room setting. She sits in front of a hollow mirror; Kermit appears on the other end.
Ethel and Kermit	You're the top.
Kermit	You're the Colosseum.
Ethel and Kermit	You're the top.
Ethel	You're the Louvre Museum. You're a melody of a symphony by Strauss!
Kermit	You're a Bendel bonnet, a Shakespeare sonnet …
Ethel	You're Mickey Mouse!
Kermit	Is that — is that a compliment?
Ethel	You called me a colosseum.
Kermit	Sorry about that.
	He ducks out. Fozzie appears behind Ethel.
Fozzie	If you're ever in a jam, here I am.
Ethel	If you're ever in a mess, SOS.
Fozzie	If you ever feel so happy you land in jail, I'm your bail.
Ethel and Fozzie	It's friendship, friendship, Just a perfect blendship. When other friendships have been forgot, Ours will still be hot. La-da, la-da, la-da, dig, dig, dig.
	Exit Fozzie, enter Scooter and Gonzo.
Scooter	The night is young, the skies are clear, And if you want to go walking, dear …
Ethel	It's delightful, it's delicious, It's de-lovely!
Gonzo	I understand the reason why You're sentimental, 'cause so am I!
Ethel	It's delightful…
Scooter	It's delicious…
Gonzo	It's de-lovely.
	Exit Scooter and Gonzo, enter a two-headed Whatnot.
Two-headed Whatnot	Wherever we go, Whatever we do…
Ethel	We're gonna go through it together!
	The Whatnot exits. Uncle Deadly appears behind Ethel.
Uncle Deadly	I hear singing and there's no one there.
Ethel	You would.
	Deadly sinks down. Piggy enters the mirror.
Miss Piggy	Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you.
Ethel	No you can't.
Miss Piggy	Yes I can.
Ethel	No you can't.
Miss Piggy	Yes I can.
Ethel	No you can't.
Miss Piggy	Yes I can, yes I can.
Ethel	Anything you can be, I can be greater. Sooner or later I'm greater than you.
Miss Piggy	No you're not.
Ethel	Yes I am.
Miss Piggy	No you're not.
Ethel	Yes I am.
Miss Piggy	No you're not.
Ethel	Yes I am, yes I am!
Miss Piggy	I can be a racer, quite a steeplechaser!
Ethel	I can jump a hurdle, even with my girdle!
Miss Piggy	I can do most anything.
Ethel	Can you bake a pie?
Miss Piggy	No.
Ethel	Neither can I.
Miss Piggy	Any note you can reach, I can go higher. I can sing anything higher than you.
Ethel	No you can't …
Miss Piggy	Yes I can.
Ethel	No you can't …
Miss Piggy	Yes I can.
Ethel	No you can't …
Miss Piggy	Yes I can.
Ethel	No you caaaaan't …
Miss Piggy	Yes I CAAAAAAAAN!!
Ethel	Oh, yes you can.
	The Muppets all gather around Ethel.
Muppets	We belong to a mu-tu-al ad-mi-ration society.
Kermit	Miss Merman and me.
Ethel & Muppets	We belong to a mutual admiration soci…e…ty!
	Applause.
Waldorf	Yeah. Wonderful, wonderful! I remember Ethel Merman in the opening of Panama Hattie.
Statler	You're old enough to remember Teddy Roosevelt and the opening of the Panama Canal. Heh.

Backstage

Fozzie	Hey, Kermit. Kermit. Kermit. Remember I told you my agent was coming?
Kermit	Yeah.
Fozzie	Well, he is here.
Kermit	Where?
Fozzie	Uh, here. (points downwards) He's a little short, Kermit.
Kermit	(chuckles) He certainly is.
Fozzie	Uh, he's very sensitive, so uh, no short jokes. OK?
Kermit	OK, I'm sorry. Just introduce us.
Fozzie	OK. Ahem. Uh …
	Fozzie sets Irving, a top-hat with a pair of shoes, on the table.
Fozzie	Kermit, this is Irving Bizarre, my agent.
Irving	Eh, hiya, Kermit. How are you doing, sweetie?
Kermit	This is an agent?
Kermit	Where's your office, Irving? In your hat?
Irving	Ha ha. Very funny. Very funny.
Kermit	Hey, who else do you handle? Rich Little? (laughs) Tiny Tim? (laughs)
Irving	I wouldn't handle you. I'd get warts.
Kermit	(offended) Warts? What kind of talk is that? Will you get out? Take this guy and get outta here, Fozzie! (storms off)
Fozzie	I don't think this negotiation is going too well.
Irving	Hey, don't worry, sweetie, Fozzie. We got him right where we want him.
Fozzie	Yeah. Yeah. (carries Irving away)

Blackout

	Hilda passes by Ethel.
Ethel	Oh, Hilda.
Hilda	Yes, Miss Merman.
Ethel	I don't wish to complain, but there's a mouse in my dressing room.
Hilda	Oh, yes. We'll move her tomorrow. But for now it's the only place she has to change.
Ethel	Change?
Hilda	Yes. She sings in the band. (exits)
Ethel	Is this a show or a zoo?
Animal	Hiya, honey.
Ethel	It's a zoo.
Animal	Boo.
Ethel	(screams)
Animal	Perfect pitch.
	BONK! She knocks him on the head.

UK Spot

Statler	What do you take in your tea?
Waldorf	Oh, milk, two sugars, one mouse.
Statler	One what?
Waldorf	Mouse. Take a look.
	Miss Mousey appears in the teacup, and sings "Don't Sugar Me". At the end, the teacup walks off the balcony.

Talk Spot

Kermit	Well, Miss Merman, I'm kind of at a loss for words. I mean, for me, a frog, to be sitting here with one of the greatest performers ever to grace the American musical stage - a legend — a —
Ethel	Oh, relax, Kermit. Relax. And you can call me Ethel.
Kermit	Huh?
Ethel	But I'd like you to take it easy on that "legend" and "the greatest" stuff. Sounds like a eulogy. After all, I'm — I'm not quite ready to go yet.
Kermit	No, no, no, no, no. I — I didn't mean it like that.
Ethel	Well, I-I mean, I admit that I've been around for quite a while, but … there are some things on this show that are older than I. Like uh, Fozzie's jokes.
Kermit	(laughs) You're right there. It just seems that you've always been a part of the Broadway musical scene. I remember the opening night of Gypsy, you know?
Ethel	Ker — Kermit, you were at the opening night of Gypsy?
Kermit	Sure.
	A beat.
Ethel	Come to think of it, I did hear some croaking in the audience.
	Kermit laughs. Piggy enters with a champagne glass.
Miss Piggy	Ah-hem. Excuse me, Miss Merman. I do not wish to intrude, but I too am a singer of note.
Ethel	What note?
Kermit	Who knows? It's always flat. (laughs)
Miss Piggy	Watch it, flipper face. As a sister singer, I gratefully admire your talent, and so I would like to propose a toast in your honor.
Ethel	Oh, how nice of you, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Mm-hm. To Ethel Merman, a great woman and a great singer, whom we can all learn something from. Got any tips?
Ethel	All that for one free singing lesson?
Miss Piggy	(shrugs) Well …
Ethel	Now, look, Miss Piggy. Let's face it. You either got it, or you ain't.
Miss Piggy	Mm-hm.
Ethel	And all the singing lessons in the world ain't gonna help you if you ain't got it. Now, let's hear you hit that high note of yours again.
Miss Piggy	Ahem. (hits high note)
Ethel	Well, it shows promise.
Miss Piggy	See, Kermit?
Ethel	But it it's a bit subtle. Now, this is the way I would do it —
	She hits a high note. Kermit is knocked off, and Piggy's glass shatters.
Kermit	Did you also make some recordings as an air-raid siren during the war?
Ethel	(giggles) Kermit. (slaps him)
Waldorf	Ah, she and Kermit make a nice pair.
Statler	Well, she certainly is a peach.
	They chuckle.

Guest puppeteer

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Uh, we on The Muppet Show are very interested in puppets, for some strange reason. Anyway, tonight we're really delighted to have with us a man who produces the world's funniest shadows. Here he is from Australia - our guest puppeteer, Mr. Richard Bradshaw!
	Richard performs shadow puppetry. In the first act, an ostrich slides down a slide, then a mouse. When a hippo climbs up the ladder, he breaks the slide.
Statler	More! More!
Waldorf	Hey, wait. Look, there is more.
Statler	Oh, good grief. They heard me.
	In the second act, the three animals balance on a tightrope.

Backstage

Irving	Hey, come on, Kermit. The kid's worth twice the price.
Kermit	Yeah, well, I don't know …
Miss Piggy	(amorous) Oh, Kermit, my love. My — (Irving taps his foot) What is that?
Kermit	Uh, well, this is Fozzie's agent, Irving Bizarre. Uh, we're negotiating a contract.
Irving	Hey, how you doing, baby, kiddo, sweetheart? Not bad-looking for a pig. Want me to handle you?
Miss Piggy	I already have an agent, Shortstuff.
Irving	I don't wanna be your agent. I just wanna handle you. (laughs)
Miss Piggy	Well, handle this. Hi-YAH!
	She karate-chops him off the table.

Fozzie's comedy act

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Right now it's time to present a comic who, even as I speak, is in danger of negotiating himself right out of work. Ladies and gentlemen, the funniest bear since Maxie, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
	The curtain opens on Fozzie as his fanfare plays.
Fozzie	Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Yes, yes, yes! Oh, I get a feeling you're a great bunch, not like the audience we had last week. Hah! They weren't an audience, they were a jury. Ha ha.
	Angle on the audience: a Fozzie lookalike sits in the back.
Bear	(aside) Haaaah. The bear's funny, huh? Yeah, he's — he's my cousin. (gets no response) Wanna leave a wake-up call?
Fozzie	Uh, if you don't mind, cousin, I will do the jokes.
Waldorf	Let him roll. He's funnier than you. (laughs with Waldorf)
Leo	Hey, will you guys hold it down up there?
Fozzie	Uh, you don't want them interrupting my act, right?
Leo	No, I don't want 'em interrupting our sleep. (the audience laughs) Hey, bring on the comic!
Fozzie	I am the comic.
Leo	Then bring on the girls!
Fozzie	This is not that kind of show.
Leo	Then bring on the girl comic!
	The audience laughs.
Fozzie	Now, listen. I am not gonna be heckled by some clown who just came off the street. I-I'm a pro, buddy. A real pro. Look, okay. I tell you what. Everybody, I am gonna turn my back, and when I turn around again, I only wanna see real Fozzie Bear fans in the audience. Okay? Here we go.
	When he turns his back, the audience walks out.
Fozzie	Okay, I'm gonna turn around now!
	He sees that they've all left.
Fozzie	Even my cousin? (facepalms) Ohh! It's a cruel world. (looks up) Hey, hey. How come you two guys are still there, huh? Did you lose your beds at the old fools' home?
	Statler and Waldorf chuckle.
Fozzie	Ah, it's too late.
	He walks off. The curtain closes as the fanfare plays.

Backstage / "There's No Business Like Show Business"

	Fozzie encounters Kermit and Irving negotiating.
Irving	All right, Kermit, my client won't work unless you give him twice as much money.
Kermit	Uh, yeah. I just saw how he handled that audience. But to show you what a good guy I am, I'll give him three times as much.
Irving	We won't settle for less than four times as much.
Kermit	Uh, how about a compromise? Five times as much money.
Irving	Six times as much.
Fozzie	Uh, don't push it, Irv.
Kermit	Uh, seven times as much.
Irving	Eight times.
Kermit	This is my final offer. Ten times as much as he's making now.
Irving	You got a deal.
Kermit	Good. (walks off)
Fozzie	Oh, Irv! Irv!
Irving	Hey-hey. Congratulations, kid. You're making ten times as much money.
Fozzie	Yeah, yeah, and I - and I used to make nothing!
Irving	Right. And — and ten times nothing is er, ummm …
Fozzie	Nothing.
Irving	Yeah, right. And don't forget, I get ten percent of that.
Fozzie	You're worth every penny, Irv. (facepalms)
Irving	Uh, could you give me a hand down, kid?
	Fozzie sets him down.
Ethel	Hey, Fozzie. (comes downstairs)
Fozzie	Yeah?
Ethel	Listen, Fozzie. Don't be discouraged. Even if you don't make a lot of money, you're doing what you love to do. Just look around you.
	She launches into a rendition of "There's No Business Like Show Business". The other Muppets join her backstage, then onstage.

Goodnights

Kermit	Well, another half-hour has flown by, made most enjoyable by our very special guest star, Miss Ethel Merman!
	Applause as she comes out.
Ethel	Oh, thank you, Kermit. This has been the most fun I've had in a long, long time. You know, you really don't have to be crazy to do this show. But it helps.
	Kermit laughs. Piggy shows up with some roses.
Miss Piggy	Miss Merman, from all of us to you.
Ethel	Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy. They won't explode, will they?
Kermit	No, no, of course not. Real roses for a real lady. Thank you for joining us, and you too out there, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
	The Muppets gather around Ethel as the credits roll.
Statler	(scratching himself) I wonder why I'm so itchy.
Waldorf	Maybe the show's starting to get under your skin.
	They chuckle.
	THE END