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Episode 122: Ethel Merman/transcript

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It's The Muppet Show, with our very

special guest star, Miss EtheI Merman!

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey, I went to a diet doctor,

and in just two months I lost $300,


To introduce our guest star

That's what I'm here to do

So it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

Miss EtheI Merman!

But now let's get things started

on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

This is what we call

The Muppet Show

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

Welcome, dear friends, to another

edition of The Muppet Show.

And we're very honored to

have as our special guest star

one of the true giants of the Broadway

musicaI stage, Miss EtheI Merman,

Oh, Kermit, my love, Since

EtheI Merman is our guest,

as a tribute I plan to sing a

medley of all her great hits,

Uh, Piggy, why would anyone wanna

hear you sing Miss Merman's songs

when Miss Merman is here

to sing them herself?

Well, since I've rehearsed them,

why don't I just do 'em and call

it a tribute to Irving Berlin?

Piggy, will you get outta

here? Out, out, out, out, out!

OK, Having settled that, let's kick off the

show with a little number we call "Java,"

That song had a nice beat,

No, no, I don't want to eat,

I said "beat," "Beat," you old fooI,

Why don't you turn up your hearing aid?

There's gonna be a raid?

Well, let's get outta here!

I give up,

OK, Nice, Nice number,

you guys, Good opening,

Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, Hey,

My agent is dropping by a

little later in the show,

OK, fine,

- Yeah,

Hey, stand by for the next number,

- Everything's ready, boss,

Good boy, Scooter, That

kid's doing a great job,

Hey, d-do you think you'd

have time to talk to him?

Of course, I always have time to talk

to Scooter, His uncle owns the theater,

No, no, no, no, no,

I mean my-my agent,

What does he own?

- Ten percent of me,

OK, OK, What does he

want to talk about?

My contract,

- Fozzie, you don't have a contract,

That's what he wants to talk about,

Will you get outta here?

- Yes, sir, Yes, sir,

Ladies and gentlemen, ordinarily

I just introduce the guest star

and get out of the way, but tonight

I personally get to participate,

You see, everybody wanted to

sing a duet with EtheI Merman,

and because she's introduced

so many Broadway hits,

we thought that some of

us could do a few of them,

or a few of us could do some of them,

Anyhow, I now take great pleasure

in introducing Miss EtheI Merman,

and some of her songs,

and some of us, and me,

Better hurry,

Oh, Ladies and gentlemen,

Miss EtheI Merman!

You're the top

You're the Colosseum

You're the top

You're the Louvre Museum

You're a melody of

a symphony by Strauss

You're a BendeI bonnet,

a Shakespeare sonnet

You're Mickey Mouse

Is that is that a compliment?

- You called me a colosseum,

Sorry about that,

- # If you're ever in a jam

Here I am

If you're ever in a mess


If you ever feeI so happy

you land in jaiI, I'm your baiI

It's friendship, friendship

Just a perfect blendship

When other friendships

have been forgot

Ours will still be hot

La-da, la-da,

la-da, dig, dig, dig

The night is young,

the skies are clear

And if you want to go walking, dear

It's delightfuI, it's delicious

It's de-lovely

I understand the reason why

You're sentimentaI, 'cause so am I

- # It's delightfuI

- # It's delicious

It's de-lovely

Wherever we go

Whatever we do

We're gonna go through it together

I hear singing and

there's no one there

You would,

Anything you can do, I can do better

I can do anything better than you

- # No, you can't

- # Yes, I can

- # No, you can't

- # Yes, I can

- # No, you can't

- # Yes, I can, yes, I can

Anything you can

be, I can be greater

Sooner or later I'm greater than you

- # No, you're not

- # Yes, I am

- # No, you're not

- # Yes, I am

- # No, you're not

- # Yes, I am, yes, I am

I could be a racer,

quite a steeplechaser

I can jump a hurdle

even with my girdle

- # I can do most anything

- # Can you bake a pie?

- # No

- # Neither can I

Any note you can

reach, I can go higher

I can sing anything higher than you

- # No, you can't

- # Yes, I can

- # No, you can't

- # Yes, I can

- # No, you can't

- # Yes, I can

No, you can't

Yes, I can

Oh, yes, you can,

We belong to a mutuaI

- # Admiration society

- Miss Merman and me,

We belong to a mutuaI

Admiration society

Yeah, WonderfuI, wonderfuI!

I remember EtheI Merman in

the opening of Panama Hattie.

You're old enough to

remember Teddy Roosevelt

and the opening of the Panama CanaI,

Hey, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, Remember

I told you my agent was coming?


- Well, he is here,


- Uh, here,

He's a little short, Kermit,

He certainly is,

He's very sensitive,

so no short jokes, OK?

OK, I'm sorry, Just introduce us,

- OK,


Kermit, this is Irving

Bizarre, my agent,

Eh, hiya, Kermit, How

are you doing, sweetie?

This is an agent? Where's your

office, Irving? In your hat?

Ha ha, Very funny, Very funny,

Hey, who else do you

handle? Rich Little?

Tiny Tim?

I wouldn't handle you, I'd get warts,

Warts? What kind of talk

is that? Will you get out?

Take this guy and get

outta here, Fozzie,

I don't think this

negotiation is going too well,

Hey, don't worry, sweetie, Fozzie,

We got him right where we want him,

- Yeah, Yeah,

Oh, Hilda,

- Yes, Miss Merman,

I don't wish to complain, but

there's a mouse in my dressing room,

Oh, yes, We'll move her tomorrow,

But for now it's the only

place she has to change,


- Yes, She sings in the band,

Is this a show or a zoo?

- Hiya, honey,

It's a zoo,

Perfect pitch,

What do you take in your tea?

- Oh, milk, two sugars, one mouse

One what?

- Mouse,

Take a look,

Oh, I may be your dish of tea

But, baby, don't you sugar me

Don't stir me, boy

Or try to spoon

Don't sugar me

'Cause us is throon

Oh, I won't sip a lip with you

Less you want a

granulated lump or two

Just roll them eyes

Right out the door

Them saucer eyes

Ain't square no more

Now all them things,

them diamond rings

Them stuff you promised me

Were figments, Newton

Sure as shootin'

Shootin' sure as A, B

See, the teapot spouts

that the kettle's blue

It don't work out,

that spout is true

Just boiI away, boy

Don't sit and brew

Don't sugar me

'Cause us is through

Well, Miss Merman, I'm

kind of at a loss for words,

I mean, for me, a frog, to be sitting

here with one of the greatest performers

ever to grace the American musicaI stage

- a legend

Oh, relax, Kermit,


And you can call me EtheI,

- Huh?

But I'd like you to take it easy on that

"legend" and "the greatest" stuff,

Sounds like a eulogy, After all,

I'm not quite ready to go yet,

No, no, no, no, no, I

I didn't mean it like that,

Well, I-I mean, I admit that I've

been around for quite a while,

but there are some things on

this show that are older than I,

Like Fozzie's jokes,

- You're right there,

It just seems that you've always been

a part of the Broadway musicaI scene,

I remember the opening

night of Gypsy, you know?

Kermit, you were at the

opening night of Gypsy?


Come to think of it, I did hear

some croaking in the audience,

Excuse me, Miss Merman, I do not wish to

intrude, but I too am a singer of note,

What note?

- Who knows? It's always flat,

Watch it, flipper face,

As a sister singer, I

gratefully admire your talent,

and so I would like to

propose a toast in your honor,

Oh, how nice of you,

Miss Piggy, - Mm-hm,

To EtheI Merman, a great

woman and a great singer

whom we can all learn

something from, Got any tips?

All that for one free singing lesson?

- Well

Now, look, Miss Piggy, Let's face it,

You either got it,

or you ain't, - Mm-hm,

And all the singing lessons in the world

ain't gonna help you if you ain't got it,

Now, let's hear you hit that

high note of yours again,


Well, it shows promise,

- See, Kermit?

But it it's a bit subtle,

Now, this is the way I would do it,


Did you also make some recordings

as an air-raid siren during the war?


- Wah!

Ah, she and Kermit make a nice pair,

Well, she certainly is a peach,

We on The Muppet Show are

very interested in puppets,

for some strange reason,

Anyway, tonight we're really

delighted to have with us a man

who produces the

world's funniest shadows,

Here he is from Australia

- our guest puppeteer, Mr, Richard Bradshaw!

More! More!

- Hey, wait, Look, there is more,

Oh, good grief, They heard me,

Hey, come on, Kermit, The

kid's worth twice the price,

Yeah, well, I don't know

- Oh, Kermit, my love, My

What is that?

Well, this is Fozzie's agent, Irving

Bizarre, We're negotiating a contract,

Hey, how you doing,

baby, kiddo, sweetheart?

Not bad-looking for a

pig, Want me to handle you?

I already have an agent, Shortstuff,

I don't wanna be your agent,

I just wanna handle you,

Well, handle this, Hiiii-yah!

Right now it's time to present

a comic who, even as I speak,

is in danger of negotiating

himself right out of work,

Ladies and gentlemen, the funniest

bear since Maxie, Mr, Fozzie Bear!

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh,

boy, Yes, yes, yes,

Oh, I get a feeling you're a great bunch,

not like the audience we had last week,

They weren't an audience,

they were a jury, Ha ha,

Ha ha ha,

The bear's funny, huh?

He's he's my cousin,

Wanna leave a wake-up call?

Uh, if you don't mind,

cousin, I will do the jokes,

Let him roll, He's funnier than you,

Can you guys hold it down up there?

Uh, you don't want them

interrupting my act, right?

No, I don't want 'em

interrupting our sleep,

Hey, bring on the comic!

I am the comic,

- Then bring on the girls!

This is not that kind of show,

Then bring on the girI comic!

Now, listen, I am not gonna be heckled by

some clown who just came off the street,

I-I'm a pro, buddy, A reaI pro,

Look, OK, I tell you what,

Everybody, I am gonna turn my back,

and when I turn around again, I only wanna

see reaI Fozzie Bear fans in the audience,

OK? Here we go,

OK, I'm gonna turn around


Even my cousin?

Ohh! It's a crueI world,

Hey, hey, How come you two

guys are still there, huh?

Did you lose your bed

at the old fools' home?

Ah, it's too late,

All right, Kermit, my client won't work

unless you give him twice as much money,

Uh, yeah, I just saw how

he handled that audience,

But to show you what a good guy I

am, I'll give him three times as much,

We won't settle for less

than four times as much,

Uh, how about a compromise?

Five times as much money,

Six times as much,

- Don't push it, Irv,

Uh, seven times as much,

- Eight times,

This is my finaI offer, Ten

times as much as he's making now,

You got a deaI,

- Good,

Oh, Irv!


Congratulations, kid, You're

making ten times as much money,

Yeah, yeah, and I and

I used to make nothing!

Right, And and ten

times nothing is


Yeah, right, And don't forget,

I get ten percent of that,

You're worth every penny, Irv,

Could you give me a hand down, kid?

Hey, Fozzie,


Listen, Fozzie, Don't be discouraged,

Even if you don't make a lot of money,

you're doing what you love to do,

Just look around you,

The costumes, the scenery,

the makeup, the props,

The audience that

lifts you when you're down

The headaches, the heartaches,

the backaches, the flops

The sheriff who

escorts you out of town

The opening when your

heart beats like a drum

The closing

When the customers don't come

I've said this before,

But there's no business

Like show business

Like no business I know

Everything about it is appealing

Everything the traffic will allow

Nowhere could you

get that happy feeling

When you are stealing

That extra bow

There's no people

Like show people

They smile

When they are low

Yesterday they told

you you would not go far

That night you open

And there you are

Next day on your dressing room

They've hung a star

Let's go

On with our show

There's no business

like show business

Like no business I know

Everything about it is appealing

Everything the traffic will allow

Nowhere could you

get that happy feeling

When you are stealing

That extra bow

There's no people like show people

They smile when they are low

Even with a turkey

that you know will fold

You may be stranded out in the cold

But still you wouldn't

change it for a sack of gold

Let's go on with our show

Let's go

On with our


Well, another half-hour has flown by,

made most enjoyable by our very

special guest star, Miss EtheI Merman!

Oh, thank you, Kermit,

This has been the most fun

I've had in a long, long time,

You know, you really don't have

to be crazy to do this show,

But it helps,

Miss Merman, from all of us to you,

Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy,

They won't explode, will they?

No, no, of course not, ReaI roses for

a reaI lady, Thank you for joining us,

and you too out there, we'll see

you all next time on The Muppet Show.

I wonder why I'm so itchy,

Maybe the show's starting

to get under your skin,

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