On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational This is what we call The Muppet Show!
BANG! Gonzo shoots the O.
Main Stage. Kermit enters
Thank you! Thank you, thank you and good evening, and welcome to a very unusual edition of The Muppet Show. Yes, things are going to be a little bit strange tonight. (Bats fly behind him) You probably can already tell, be prepared for the strange, the weird and the scary because our guest star is none other than the crown prince of terror, Mr. Vincent Price! So tonight there will be no craziness, no slapstick and no silliness...
Fozzie pies him in the face, then wiggles his ears
Or at least not much of it. Let the scariness begin.
In honor of my homeland, Kermit has asked me to do the next introduction. (Echo) We take you now to Transylvania, to a high and brooding hill, we take you now to the house of horror.
She screams and runs off stage. Curtain opens revealing aforementioned house on the hill. The camera closes in on the house as it's gate opens, transitioning to the interior. Fozzie and Gonzo enter from behind the camera
Oh, Gonzo! I don't think very much of this summer cottage you rented for us.
If you're like I am, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird unnatural things going on tonight. Here, to counter all that, the very natural, the very normal Wayne and Wanda.
This part of the program is the cultural part, we have to get started now, Just a second. (Addressing audience): Time once again, friends, to raise the intellectual level of our program, and tonight, our special guest is Mr. Vincent Price.
Well, it's a pleasure to be with you, Kermit.
In addition to his other talents, Mr. Price is also a great cook, so tonight's topic for discussion is gourmet dining, Vincent has assembled the rest of the panel so I'll just let you do the introductions, sir.
All right, Kermit, thank you, well, I have asked two of my culinary friends to join us tonight, on your immediate right is Pierre Lacouse, one of the world's great chefs.
Uh, yeah, I see. Well, starting off, now, Vincent, what would you say is the world's most delicious dish?
Well, Kermit, you know, haute cuisine is so varied and wonderful that is a most difficult question, but if I must choose my favorite dish, I would have to say it is probably escalope de veau a I'estragon.
It is delicious!
He eats a pitcher of water next to him
Vincent, I dislike it for all France to disagree, but for sheer magnificence, nothing can compare to gigot en epaule de pre-sale farci.
Oh, that is delicious. (He then eats a tray next to him) Oh!
He ate my casserole.
Pierre, that is a fine dish, provided that it is made in exactly the same way that it was prepared by the great chef Escoffier.
Oh, he was delicious.
He eats Pierre's hat
He ate my hat!
Uh... Uh, yes. Listen, Pierre, There's one thing I've always wanted to ask you.
Ah, oui. Uh!
Gorgon eats Pierre
But it's a little late now. Uh, Vincent, who is this guy, anyhow?
Gorgon moves closer to Kermit
Say, you look delicious.
Wait a second, Get away from me, you hulking creep! Vincent, can you stop him, please?
Vincent begins seasoning Kermit as Gorgon prepares toeat him
Froggie, you have to admit, you do look tasty.
Tune in next week when our topic for discussion will be...
Gorgon eats Kermit
I know I'm a bit of a devil, but I do love frogs' legs.
This show should be reported to the consumer protection agency.
The host was just consumed,
Kermit pops up in their box
Don't count on it.
Hey, this is our box, fella! Let me see your ticket stub.
Hey, Vincent, I really thank you for coming on this show tonight and so do all the Muppet monsters.
Well, thank you, Kermit, I never met a monster I didn't like,
I can believe it, hey, can I ask you a question?
Yes, of course.
In all the scary movies you've done through the years, well, you're always turning into a vampire, Well, how do you do that?
Vincent opens his mouth to reveal fangs. The audience full of Muppet monsters cheer loudly
How do you do that? That is so scary.
Well, Kermit, if you will forgive the modesty, that is perhaps the epitome of the actor's craft. It takes tremendous concentration, years of physical and emotional training and enormous mental exertion. Do you understand?
Kermit opens his mouth revealing his own fangs
Oh, well, some people learn faster than others.
Kermit bites Vincent
By the way, I thought your wife was coming tonight.
The old bat couldn't come.
Bats fly up to their box
The rest of 'em sure made it.
A doll hand starts moving on Kermit's table
Uh, what, what, what?
Tom, Dick, and Harry
(In union): When do we go on?
Listen, I'm sorry, fellas, but there is no place for you in the show tonight.
Tome, Dick, and Harry
(In unison): But what about our big song?
Good grief, All right, What big song?
Tom, Dick, and Harry
(In unison): "Tea For Three."
(Yelling) Out, out, out!
Tom, Dick and Harry exit to their right,and Kermit to his left, then two ghosts float up from the floor
Who writes this stuff, anyway?
Who else? The ghostwriter.
They laugh and float away as Uncle Deadly watches on from the second floor
Here is a Muppet news flash. Our newsroom has been flooded with calls today, reporting that furniture all over town has been turning into monsters. Seven people have allegedly been attacked by a wandering pack of sofas at the east edge of town. A dining-room table set for eight reportedly ate the eight it was set for.
The Camera pans out to reveal The Newsman on a television screen in the living room of a Whatnot man watching sitting on an ottoman
(on tv; continuing) When contacted for comment, Sheriff David Goelz assured Muppet News central that the rumor was false. According to Goelz, there is no way for a piece of furniture to turn into a monster.
The ottoman comes to life and the man jumps off and starts wacking it with a newspaper
(on tv; continuing) Scientists throughout the city confirmed that such an occurrence would be impossible. Inanimate objects cannot turn into monsters.
The man backs into a dresser that begins to come to life and attack as well
(on tv; continuing) Still the mass hysteria could be due to what psychologists are calling "furnophobia, " a dread fear of the rising prices of home furnishings.
The man runs out of the room, pursued by the dresser and a lamp
(on tv; continuing) The phenomena does seem to relate to the cost-of-living increase during the past month. But people are advised to relax, secure in the knowledge that their furniture will not turn into a monster.
The man, having avoided the furniture makes it back into the living room and slams the door behind him
(on tv; continuing) And that's all tonight from Muppet News. Goodnight.
The TV shuts off, and grows fangs and eats the man, as he backs into it
In Muppet News central
Boy, that last item about furniture is ridiculous.
Once again, dear friends … the very eerie … Mr. Vincent Price.
Open on Vincent playing an organ.
When you're down and troubled, And you need some love and care, And nothing, nothing is going right … Close your eyes and think of me, And soon I will be there, To brighten up even your darkest night.
You just call out his name, And you know wherever you are, He'll come running … to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall — All you have to do is call — And I'll be there.
Yes, he will.
Vincent & Deadly
You've got a friend.
Now ain't it good to know that you've got a friend, When people can be so cold?
They'll hurt you, yes, and desert you..
And take your soul if you let 'em, hohohoho, but don't you let 'em!
Vincent, Frackles, Ghosts, others
You just call out my name, And you know wherever you are, I'll come running … to see you again. Winter, spring, summer or fall, All you have to do is call, And I'll be there.
Yes, I will.
You've got a friend. You've got a friend. You've got a friend.
You've got a friend!
Main Stage. Kermit's on the proscenium
Well, that just about brings these strange proceedings to an end, let's have a special thanks to our guest star, Mr. Vincent Price.
Hey, Vincent, you were really super tonight. Hey, let's give him another hand!
Oh, no, Kermit, let me give you one, huh?
He pulls off a fake hand
Will you cut that out? We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
Well, that's easy for you to say.
↑The end of the "House of Horrors" sketch was altered: the original punchline was, "On New Year's Eve, the Master turns into Guy Lombardo!" Since the show was primarily aimed at an American audience, "Guy Lombardo" was replaced with ATV (and Muppet Show) bandleader "Jack Parnell" when the UK master (which has been used on all home video releases of the episode) was prepared. The original US broadcast print with the Guy Lombardo reference has never been recovered and is considered lost, although Uncle Deadly's original line remained intact when the sketch was illustrated in The Muppet Show Book.