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Episode 119: Vincent Price/transcript

< Episode 119: Vincent Price

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Theme

Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Vincent Price! Woo!
The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!

Male chorus

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!

The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie Hey! I once met a vampire who was so rich, he lived in a split-level coffin.
The curtain closes.
Kermit

To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Mr. Vincent Price!

Vincent is surrounded by Muppet Monsters.
Kermit But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang

On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!

119-1
BANG! Gonzo shoots the O.

Opening Number

Main Stage. Kermit enters
Kermit Thank you! Thank you, thank you and good evening, and welcome to a very unusual edition of The Muppet Show. Yes, things are going to be a little bit strange tonight. (Bats fly behind him) You probably can already tell, be prepared for the strange, the weird and the scary because our guest star is none other than the crown prince of terror, Mr. Vincent Price! So tonight there will be no craziness, no slapstick and no silliness...
119 pie
Fozzie pies him in the face, then wiggles his ears
Fozzie Ha ha!
Kermit Or at least not much of it. Let the scariness begin.
119-2
Behemoth croons "I've Got You Under My Skin" as he eats a terrified Shakey Sanchez. At the end, Shakey, accepting his fate, sings a verse of "Que Sera, Sera (Whatever Will Be, Will Be)."
Statler Ohh! That number scared the pants off me.
Waldorf Are you sure you didn't just forget to put 'em on again?

Backstage

Kermit OK, stand by for the house of horror sketch.
Shakey walks by in the background
Kermit (To Shakey): Calm down, back there,
Scooter enters
Scooter Hey, boss.
Kermit Hm, What?
Scooter There's someone here wanting to audition.
Kermit OK, Who is he?
Scooter Well, it's not exactly a he.
Scooter OK, Who is she?
Kermit Well, it's not exactly a she.
Kermit Scooter, this rather severely limits the possibilities, would you please explain yourself?
Scooter Well, it's sort of a they.
Kermit You mean there's more than one?
Scooter Not really.
Kermit (addressing audience): This gofer is about to become a gone-fer. (yells at Scooter): Scooter, what are you talking about?
Scooter Uh, that.
Scooter points out Tom, Dick and Harry
119-3
Tom, Dick, and Harry (In unison) Hi, Mr. Frog, can we be on your show?
Kermit Good grief, it's a triple-header.
Kermit exits
Tom I'm going back to the dressing room.
Harry I'm going to the makeup room.
Dick I'll wait here.
The three pull in different directions

House of Horror

119-4
Main stage. Hilda is on the proscenium
Hilda In honor of my homeland, Kermit has asked me to do the next introduction. (Echo) We take you now to Transylvania, to a high and brooding hill, we take you now to the house of horror.
She screams and runs off stage. Curtain opens revealing aforementioned house on the hill. The camera closes in on the house as it's gate opens, transitioning to the interior. Fozzie and Gonzo enter from behind the camera
Fozzie Oh, Gonzo! I don't think very much of this summer cottage you rented for us.
Gonzo Yeah, I don't understand it, The ad looked so good in the paper.
Fozzie What paper was that?
Gonzo The Wampire Veekly.
Fozzie The Wampire Veekly?
Gonzo It does look kinda big for just the two of us.
A ghost flies by
Ghost Wooo-ooo-ooo!
Gonzo (startled) Ohh! The three of us,
A second ghost floats in
Fozzie Oh!
Gonzo The four of us,
Fozzie (addressing audience): Well, at least we won't be lonely.
There's a tapping on the door
Fozzie (Nervously) Someone's... someone's at the door, Someone's at the door.
Gonzo (Addressing audience): Ohh, I bet it's not the Welcome Wagon.
Fozzie opens the door
Fozzie Yep, it's not the Welcome Wagon.
Vincent Price enters
Vincent Price Good evening (pause for applause) Excuse me, but do you have a room for the night? You see, the road has washed out and my horse had a flat tire.
Fozzie (Stammering) Well, maybe I, uh ...
Vincent Price I must tell you I am not alone, I am traveling with my beautiful assistant and a hideously deformed monster.
119-5
Uncle Deadly enters
Fozzie Oh! Hideously deformed is right.
Uncle Deadly Watch it! I'm the beautiful assistant.
Gonzo Oh, boy.
Uncle Deadly Master, I've left Toto in the coach.
Fozzie Toto?
Vincent Price (Addressing Uncle Deadly): Good, good. (Addressing Fozzie and Gonzo): And now I must ask, can you tell me what time it is?
Fozzie Uh Oh, golly, my hourglass seems to have stopped.
Vincent Price Oh, this is terrible! Terrible!
Uncle Deadly We're in trouble.
Vincent Price Yes.
Fozzie Why's that?
Uncle Deadly Because every night at the stroke of midnight, the master turns into a screaming, maniacal, demonic, raging, blood-lusting animal.
Vincent Price And then I get mean.
Gonzo What do we do?
Vincent Price Quickly, quickly, prepare a dungeon, chains, manacles! Bind me!
A clock begins striking
Uncle Deadly Oh, no, It's too late, It's midnight. Oh, no, something's different, oh, quick, what night is it?
Fozzie and Gonzo (In union): New Year's Eve.
Uncle Deadly Oh, no! This is too cruel, too inhuman!
Fozzie What? What? What is? What? Tell! Tell! What! What!
Uncle Deadly On New Year's Eve, the master turns into Jack Parnell.[1]
119-6
Vincent holds a baton and blows a noisemaker as "Auld Lang Syne" plays. Fozzie, Gonzo and Uncle Deadly flee in horror.
Statler Vincent Price is the most wonderfully scary actor since Thudge McGerk.
Waldorf Heh! Thudge McGerk, I'll never forget him, His last film was Phantom of the Soap Opera.
Statler Yeah, After that, he went berserk. They say he still haunts theatres around the world.
Waldorf Three eyes, green hair, long orange horns and big, long ugly fangs. Horrible man, Horrible.
119-7
Statler No!
Statler jumps out of his seats and lands on the floor
Waldorf Listen, on your way back up, bring some popcorn.
Thudge McGerk [Incoherent babbling]
Waldorf With butter.
Thudge McGerk Ha!

Backstage

Shakey enters, still visibly shaken
Kermit You OK?
Scooter Excuse me, frog honcho of mine.
Kermit Mm?
Scooter Well, the triple-header is still waiting to audition.
Kermit Oh, Well, you know, with Vincent Price on the show, maybe a three-headed monster might be appropriate. (He walks towards them) Tell me, what do you guys do?
Character.tomdickharry
Tom We sing!
Dick No, we dance!
Harry No, we tell jokes!
KermitUh-huh, You work on television much?
Tom, Dick,and Harry (In unison): Work on television much?
Tom Always!
Dick Sometimes!
Harry Never.
Kermit I think you fellas have some problems, which one of you is the leader?
Tom (Points at Harry) He is.
Dick (Points at Tom) He is.
Harry (points at Dick) She is.
Kermit (Addressing audience) In fact, they got lots of problems.

"Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered"

Main stage. Sam is on the proscenium.
Sam If you're like I am, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird unnatural things going on tonight. Here, to counter all that, the very natural, the very normal Wayne and Wanda.
Wanda

I'm wild again,
Beguiled again,
A simpering, whimpering child again ...
Bewitched...

119-9
Wanda is literally bewitched and turns into Blue Frackle.
Wayne ... bothered and bewildered.

Panel Discussion

Kermit This part of the program is the cultural part, we have to get started now, Just a second. (Addressing audience): Time once again, friends, to raise the intellectual level of our program, and tonight, our special guest is Mr. Vincent Price.
Vincent Price Well, it's a pleasure to be with you, Kermit.
Kermit In addition to his other talents, Mr. Price is also a great cook, so tonight's topic for discussion is gourmet dining, Vincent has assembled the rest of the panel so I'll just let you do the introductions, sir.
Vincent Price All right, Kermit, thank you, well, I have asked two of my culinary friends to join us tonight, on your immediate right is Pierre Lacouse, one of the world's great chefs.
Pierre LaCousse A pleasure.
Vincent Price And next to him is Gorgon Heap, one of the world's great eaters.
Gorgon Heap Mmmaagh!
Kermit Uh, yeah, I see. Well, starting off, now, Vincent, what would you say is the world's most delicious dish?
Vincent Price Well, Kermit, you know, haute cuisine is so varied and wonderful that is a most difficult question, but if I must choose my favorite dish, I would have to say it is probably escalope de veau a I'estragon.
Gorgon Heap It is delicious!
He eats a pitcher of water next to him
Pierre LaCousse Vincent, I dislike it for all France to disagree, but for sheer magnificence, nothing can compare to gigot en epaule de pre-sale farci.
Gorgon Heap Oh, that is delicious. (He then eats a tray next to him) Oh!
Pierre LaCousse He ate my casserole.
Vincent Price Pierre, that is a fine dish, provided that it is made in exactly the same way that it was prepared by the great chef Escoffier.
Gorgon Heap Oh, he was delicious.
He eats Pierre's hat
Pierre LaCousse He ate my hat!
Kermit Uh... Uh, yes. Listen, Pierre, There's one thing I've always wanted to ask you.
Pierre LaCousse Ah, oui. Uh!
Gorgon eats Pierre
Kermit But it's a little late now. Uh, Vincent, who is this guy, anyhow?
Gorgon moves closer to Kermit
Gorgon Heap Say, you look delicious.
Kermit Wait a second, Get away from me, you hulking creep! Vincent, can you stop him, please?
119-10
Vincent begins seasoning Kermit as Gorgon prepares toeat him
Vincent Froggie, you have to admit, you do look tasty.
Kermit Tune in next week when our topic for discussion will be...
Gorgon eats Kermit
Vincent Price I know I'm a bit of a devil, but I do love frogs' legs.
Waldorf This show should be reported to the consumer protection agency.
Statler Why?
Waldorf The host was just consumed,
Kermit pops up in their box
Kermit Don't count on it.
Statler Hey, this is our box, fella! Let me see your ticket stub.

At the Dance

119-11
Male Ghost I'm going into the moving business.
Female Ghost Really? Locally?
Male Ghost No, ghost to ghost.
Female Whatnot Oh! I'm simply starving, can't we stop for a bite?
Dracula Delighted, my dear.
He bites her
Mildred Huxtetter That man is absolutely batty.
George Huh, Why do you say that?
Beautiful Day Monster walks past with bats following him
Male Ghost Why don't we stop and have a drink?
Female Ghost We can't.
Male Ghost Why not?
Female Ghost They don't serve spirits here.
Miss Kitty You know, my mother said if I worked hard, I could get ahead.
Female Blue Frackle Oh, well, here it is.
She removes her head and give it to him
Miss Kitty Ooh!

UK Spot

Character.ghosts
Ghosts haunt the backstage, singing "I'm Looking Through You." Fozzie, wandering in the backstage, sees the spirits and runs away, terrified

Talk Spot

Kermit Hey, Vincent, I really thank you for coming on this show tonight and so do all the Muppet monsters.
Vincent Price Well, thank you, Kermit, I never met a monster I didn't like,
Kermit I can believe it, hey, can I ask you a question?
Vincent Price Yes, of course.
Kermit In all the scary movies you've done through the years, well, you're always turning into a vampire, Well, how do you do that?
Vincent opens his mouth to reveal fangs. The audience full of Muppet monsters cheer loudly
Kermit How do you do that? That is so scary.
Vincent Price Well, Kermit, if you will forgive the modesty, that is perhaps the epitome of the actor's craft. It takes tremendous concentration, years of physical and emotional training and enormous mental exertion. Do you understand?
Kermit Oh, sure.
Kermit opens his mouth revealing his own fangs
Vincent Price Oh, well, some people learn faster than others.
Kermit bites Vincent
Statler By the way, I thought your wife was coming tonight.
Waldorf The old bat couldn't come.
Bats fly up to their box
Statler The rest of 'em sure made it.

Backstage

A doll hand starts moving on Kermit's table
Tom Kermit.
Dick Kermit.
Harry Kermit.
Kermit Uh, what, what, what?
Tom, Dick, and Harry (In union): When do we go on?
Kermit Listen, I'm sorry, fellas, but there is no place for you in the show tonight.
Tome, Dick, and Harry (In unison): But what about our big song?
Kermit Good grief, All right, What big song?
Tom What else?
Tom, Dick, and Harry (In unison): "Tea For Three."
Kermit (Yelling) Out, out, out!
Tom, Dick and Harry exit to their right,and Kermit to his left, then two ghosts float up from the floor
Male Ghost Who writes this stuff, anyway?
Female Ghost Who else? The ghostwriter.
They laugh and float away as Uncle Deadly watches on from the second floor

Muppet News Flash

The Newsman Here is a Muppet news flash. Our newsroom has been flooded with calls today, reporting that furniture all over town has been turning into monsters. Seven people have allegedly been attacked by a wandering pack of sofas at the east edge of town. A dining-room table set for eight reportedly ate the eight it was set for.
119-14
The Camera pans out to reveal The Newsman on a television screen in the living room of a Whatnot man watching sitting on an ottoman
The Newsman (on tv; continuing) When contacted for comment, Sheriff David Goelz assured Muppet News central that the rumor was false. According to Goelz, there is no way for a piece of furniture to turn into a monster.
The ottoman comes to life and the man jumps off and starts wacking it with a newspaper
the Newsman (on tv; continuing) Scientists throughout the city confirmed that such an occurrence would be impossible. Inanimate objects cannot turn into monsters.
The man backs into a dresser that begins to come to life and attack as well
The Newsman (on tv; continuing) Still the mass hysteria could be due to what psychologists are calling "furnophobia, " a dread fear of the rising prices of home furnishings.
The man runs out of the room, pursued by the dresser and a lamp
The Newsman (on tv; continuing) The phenomena does seem to relate to the cost-of-living increase during the past month. But people are advised to relax, secure in the knowledge that their furniture will not turn into a monster.
The man, having avoided the furniture makes it back into the living room and slams the door behind him
The Newsman (on tv; continuing) And that's all tonight from Muppet News. Goodnight.
The TV shuts off, and grows fangs and eats the man, as he backs into it
In Muppet News central
The Newsman Boy, that last item about furniture is ridiculous.
His desk eats him

Blackout

Vincent Price This is ridiculous, I can't find Hilda anywhere.Oh, well, I guess I'll just have to carry this stuff up myself.
Sweetums Ooh, excuse me, Mr, Price.
Vincent Price Yes?
Sweetums Can I give you a hand?
Vincent Price Oh, please.
Sweetums Here.
he pulls off his hand
Vincent Price Hand
Vincent Price That's my kind of joke. (Laughs)

Backstage

119-16
Fozzie consoles Tom, Dick and Harry
Fozzie Hey, guys, I hear you're not gonna make it on the show tonight.
Tom Kermit didn't like our song.
Dick But it doesn't matter.
Harry We got a new act.
Fozzie Oh, yeah? Tell me what's the new act?
Tom Well, you see, I'm the straight man.
Dick I'm the comic.
Harry And I'm the audience.
Tom That way, no matter how bad we are...
Tom, Dick, and Harry (In unison): we'll always love us.
Tom Yeah, like, say, who was that lady I saw you with last night?
Dick That was no lady, that was a pawn shop sign.
Harry laughs
Tom We're a hit! We're a hit!
Dick Yeah, we're superstars.
Tom They love us!
Dick So long, Fozzie,
Fozzie (Addresses audience): I never thought I'd be jealous of a guy with three heads, hm.

Talking Houses

119-17
House #3 My youngest boy is very interested in medicine.
House #4 Oh, he's a doctor?
House #3 No, A hospital.


"You've Got a Friend"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Once again, dear friends … the very eerie … Mr. Vincent Price.
Open on Vincent playing an organ.
Vincent

When you're down and troubled,
And you need some love and care,
And nothing, nothing is going right …
Close your eyes and think of me,
And soon I will be there,
To brighten up even your darkest night.

Uncle Deadly

You just call out his name,
And you know wherever you are,
He'll come running … to see you again.

Vincent

Winter, spring, summer or fall —
All you have to do is call —
And I'll be there.

Uncle Deadly Yes, he will.
Vincent & Deadly You've got a friend.
Green Frackle

Now ain't it good to know that you've got a friend,
When people can be so cold?

Ghosts They'll hurt you, yes, and desert you..
Vincent And take your soul if you let 'em, hohohoho, but don't you let 'em!
You&#039;ve Got a Friend
Vincent, Frackles,
Ghosts, others

You just call out my name,
And you know wherever you are,
I'll come running … to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall,
All you have to do is call,
And I'll be there.

Vincent Yes, I will.
All

You've got a friend.
You've got a friend.
You've got a friend.

Vincent (evil laugh)
All You've got a friend!

Goodnights

Main Stage. Kermit's on the proscenium
Kermit Well, that just about brings these strange proceedings to an end, let's have a special thanks to our guest star, Mr. Vincent Price.
Vincent enters
Kermit Hey, Vincent, you were really super tonight. Hey, let's give him another hand!
Vincent Price Oh, no, Kermit, let me give you one, huh?
119-18
He pulls off a fake hand
Kermit Will you cut that out? We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
Ending Theme
Thudge McGerk [Incoherent Babbling]
Waldorf Well, that's easy for you to say.
ATV
THE END

Footnotes

  1. The end of the "House of Horrors" sketch was altered: the original punchline was, "On New Year's Eve, the Master turns into Guy Lombardo!" Since the show was primarily aimed at an American audience, "Guy Lombardo" was replaced with ATV (and Muppet Show) bandleader "Jack Parnell" when the UK master (which has been used on all home video releases of the episode) was prepared. The original US broadcast print with the Guy Lombardo reference has never been recovered and is considered lost, although Uncle Deadly's original line remained intact when the sketch was illustrated in The Muppet Show Book.

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