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Episode 118: Phyllis Diller/transcript

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Theme

Opening number

Backstage

Rowlf and Phyllis

Backstage

Muppet newsflash

At the Dance

UK spot

Talk spot

Hugga Wugga

Backstage

Muppet Labs

Blackout

Veterinarian's Hospital

Backstage

"The Entertainer"

Goodnights

It's The Muppet Show with our special guest star, Miss Phyllis Diller!

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey! Did you hear the one about the kangaroo who walked into a store, and this hippopotamus comes out and says to the kanga – Hey, I wasn't finished!

To introduce our guest star

That's what I'm here to do

So it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

Miss Phyllis Diller!

But now let's get things started

on the most sensational, inspirational

Celebrational, Muppetational

This is what we call

The Muppet Show

Thank you. Oh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to The Muppet Show. We've got a really terrific show for you tonight, with our super extra-special guest star, Miss Phyllis Diller. Now, to get things started, we

Excuse me, there seems to be a frog on the stage.

There is supposed to be a frog on the stage. There is supposed to be a bear back in the dressing room.

Oh, well, you see, see, I think you just work too hard, frog of my heart. So I thought I would introduce the show this week.

OK, fine. You introduce the show and I will pull the rope.

The ro What rope?

Uh, the rope for the trapdoor.

The trap Aah!

Now let's get things started on The Muppet Show with some "Mississippi Mud."

When the sun goes down

and the tide goes out

And the people gather round

and they all begin to shout

Hey, hey, Uncle Dud

It's a treat to beat your

feet on the Mississippi mud

It's a treat to beat your

feet on the Mississippi mud

What a dance do they do

Lordy, how I'm telling you

They don't need no band

They keep time by

clapping their hands

Just as happy as a

cow a-chewing on the cud

When the people beat their

feet on the Mississippi mud

Ooh!

Ah-hah!

Uh-huh,

When the sun goes down

and the tide goes out

And the people gather round

and they all begin to shout

Hey, hey, Uncle Dud

It's a treat to beat your

feet on the Mississippi mud

It's a treat to beat your

feet on the Mississippi mud

What a dance do they do

Lordy, how I'm telling you

They don't need no band

They keep time by

clapping their hands

Just as happy as a

cow a-chewing on the cud

When the people beat their feet,

when the people beat their feet

When the people beat their

feet on the Mississippi mud

Ah-hah!

Bravo, oh, bravo!

Wonderful, just wonderful.

How would you know? You're not even facing the stage.

Why did you have to tell me?

I was having such a good time.

Yeah, great number.

Really good. Really good. Very believable. Good number, Great number. Hey! Hey, who forgot to wipe their feet? I thought I told you guys to wipe your feet?

Oh, that Miss Diller, she is so wonderful.

Oh, nice lady, huh?

- Oh, yes, Scooter.

And so young-looking.

Scooter, just between you and me, do you suppose Miss Dillerhas had her face raised?

Huh? Oh, you mean lifted? Oh, sure, yeah. She jokes about it all the time.

Ah, that's wonderful. A person should stay young and dynamic as long as possible.

Mm.

Maybe I should consider that.

- Hmm?

After all, I am 35.

Hey, hey, is it possible Hilda's 35?

Only around the waist.

And now, a lady so wonderfully nutty that she makes The Great Gonzo seem like Sir Laurence Olivier. Here she is, the zaniest of them all, the one and only Phyllis Diller.

Say there, sailor. You new in town? Do you make it a habit of annoying beautiful women?

Yes. But since there are none around, I'll go ahead and annoy you.

Why are you hounding me?

I'm a hound. What should I do, people you?

Cut the comedy. I'm depressed.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. Hey, let me buy you a drink.

I don't drink with strangers. I'm Phyllis.

I'm Rowlf.

I'll have a triple cream soda on the rocks.

Say, you are depressed.

Oh, miss? Uh, miss, two triple cream sodas on the rocks.

Now, what's wrong?

It's just that I'm such a loser.

Oh, I know what you mean. I am too. Do you know, someone gave me a beautiful white mink stole. Within a month, I had developed black dandruff.

Oh. Oh, that is depressing. But do you know that my fleas have started wearing dog collars just to get rid of me?

Oh, I know the feeling. I was in the back yard singing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." It fell on me. I went to a taffy pull. The taffy won. I swear if I bought a new hat, they'd cancel Easter.

Oh, you think that's bad? Listen, I went to Hollywood and fell in love with a movie star, Lassie. She left me for Francis the Talking Mule.

I bought one of those expensive new cars that goes from zero to 60 in three hours and 27 minutes. I had to put it in low to get off a wad of gum.

Hey, you think You think that's bad? The first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike.

OK, I went to the beauty parlor, and the lady at the desk said: "Madam, We do repairs, not reclamations." So then I asked the hairdresser what I should use on my hair. He said, "A match." But you see, I was born ugly. I have home movies of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads. My father asked the doctor, "Is it a boy or a girl?" He said, "No." I tell you, Rowlf, I'm just a born loser.

Aw, maybe. But you don't know what it's like to live life as a dog.

Don't be so sure, fella. Listen, I gotta go now.

Hey, wait a minute, What's wrong?

I'm having too good a time. A girl just can't be miserable in this dump.

Aw. Listen, you should stick around, Phyllis. Why, you and me could be rotten together.

Aw!

That was fantastic.

What a performer she is.

Mm, What's her secret?

What's her magic?

What's her name?

You've forgotten too, huh?

Well, whoever she is, she's every bit as funny as Phyllis Diller.

Who is?

- Uh, I forget.

Uh, me too.

Oh, good. Nobody is around. Time for old Hilda to become young Hilda. Oh! Everybody is going to be so surprised. They won't even recognize their old wardrobe mistress.

Hi, Hilda. Hey, the opening number costumes are downstairs. Would you bring 'em up here, please?

And then again, I could be wrong.

Here's a Muppet news flash. Dateline, Mobile, Alabama. Mrs. Beverly Shepherd has made aviation history in this southern city. Last week, Mrs. Shepherd made a pair of wings, strapped them to her body, and flew to Dallas, Texas. Here she is direct from Texas to tell us the details.

Gosh! Am I really on TV?

Yes, Mrs. Shepherd, you are. Now can you tell us the details of this astounding accomplishment?

What was so astounding? It was so easy. I just made my wings out of aluminum, and I covered them with chicken feathers, and then I fitted them with straps for my arms.

Yes, yes. Go on.

Then I went out to the airport and boarded a plane for Dallas. What's the big deal?

I'm sure I have no idea.

Oh, I'm so crazy about you, I can't see straight. Oh! Oh, I'm so goofy about you, I can't eat. Oh! Oh, I'm so much in love with you I can't even sleep.

Oh, well, what should we do?

Well, I, uh – Check into a hospital, man.

Ah. Huh.

Finally good to get out of that box.

Yeah, pay attention, I'm leading.

One, two, three, dip.

Uh!

Oh, that's what I don't like about him.

Huh? What?

He's always blowing his own horn.

Huh.

Wasn't that garlic you had for dinner hot?

Are you kidding?

Oh, lazybones

Sleeping in the sun

How you expect to get

your day's work done?

Never get your day's work done

Sleeping in the noonday sun

Lazybones

Sleeping in the shade

How you expect to

get your cornmeal made?

Never get your cornmeal made

When you're sleeping

in the evening shade

Mmm, yeah,

Mmm,

Oh, I say, lazybones

Loafing through the day

How you expect to make

A dime that way?

You're gonna never

make a dime that way

Well, he never heard a word I said

Yeah,

Uh, oh. We're on, we're on. Oh, Phyllis Diller. Well, hello. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Kermit said I could chat with you because, well, we're both comedians, you know, and frankly I think you are the funniest person alive. Yeah.

Thank you.

I was wondering if you could give me a few tips on comedy, hm?

Why, that's so nice of you, Fozzie. Of course I'll give you a few tips.

Haaah hah ha! "Of course I'll give you a few tips,." That's so funny!

Wait, wait.

I love it.

Wait a minute. The first tip:

What?

Don't laugh before I tell the joke.

Oh.

Oh, this isn't gonna be easy. OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, I'll tell you what we need, topics. Now, here's a topic.

Topics, topics.

Fang is so cheap, his idea of a deodorant is to Scotch-tape a pine cone under each armpit. That's a husband joke.

- I can't do that joke.

Why?

- I don't have a husband.

Well, how about a wife?

- No, no wife.

Well, make one up. They don't care.

What? But I'm I I couldn't do that, I couldn't lie to the audience, I, I – They love me, I love them, I couldn't lie to the audience.

Well, you just did. You told them you're a comedian. Now, looky here. We've got to find you a topic,

OK. Topic. OK.

Uh-huh.

OK. You must live somewhere?

Uh Oh, yeah, I got this small apartment.

Terrific. Small apartment joke. I live in an apartment so small, the mice are hunchbacked. No? No mice?

No.

No, I got a mouse, but he's not hunchbacked. He's got the gout.

Oh, wait, wait, I understand now.

Wait. Oh, I see, OK. Here it goes.

You got it?

Here we go, yeah. I live in an apartment so small, my mouse has the gout.

That's funny. It's funny.

It is funny. Oh, please laugh. Oh, please

Fozzie, baby.

- What?

You're just gonna have to learn to lie.

- Oh, but why, Phyllis?

I'll tell you why. So in case you don't make it as a comedian...

Yeah?

... at least you can go into politics.

Haaa! Now, that's funny!

Hugga wugga

Hugga wugga

Hugga wugga

Hugga wugga

Hug hugga wug wugga

Wuggy buggy mugga mugga

Wug bug wah

Hugga wugga

Piggy wiggy?

Hugga wugga

Hoogy woogy heeky hooky

- # Hugga wugga

- # Hugga wugga

- # Hugga wugga

- # Hugga wugga

- # Hug

- # Hugga

- # Wug

- # Wugga

- # Buggy

- # Buggy

- # Mugga

- # Mugga

Wug wug wah

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

Hugga wugga

You make me happy

When skies are gray

You'll never know, dear

How much I love you

Hugga wugga

You are my sunshine

My only sun

shine

Hugga wugga

You make me happy

Hug hugga wug wugga

Buggy buggy mugga mugga

Wug wug wah

When skies are gray

Hugga wugga?

You'll never know, dear

How much I love you

Hugga wugga!

Do not take my sunshine

Away

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

Why, you old fool.

- What?

I'm not your son and my name's not Shine.

And he calls me an old fool?

You make me happy when skies are gray

Well, this time Miss Diller has given me some beauty hints. Now everybody will notice the change.

Hilda, Hilda, it is great. The change is wonderful.

Oh, you like it, then?

Oh, sure, yeah. Those dressing room towels have been dirty for a week. It's wonderful that you changed them.

This means all-out war!

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, excitement is running high here at the labs, because today is the day we introduce our new line of exploding hats.

Ooh! Oh! Oh!

Ah.

Ah. Isn't that cunning, folks? And, of course, for those who want the daring double-barreled effect, exploding earmuffs. Oh, whoopee. Well, there you have it. These are the perfect companions to the perennial favorite, the Muppet self-destruct necktie. So, that's all for now from uh Muppet

Hi, Phyllis. What you got there?

It's my new pocket camera. It takes great pictures. You see there?

Oh. What are these pictures of?

Pockets.

And now, "Veterinarian's Hospital. " The continuing story of an orthopedic surgeon who has gone to the dogs.

Dr. Bob? Dr. Bob? Your next patient is ready.

Yes, yes, I was just tending to an emergency. A musician at the symphony just fell through his harp.

Oh, Where is he now?

In rooms 9, 10, 11 and 12.

OK. Where's the next patient?

Uh, he's right here, Dr. Bob.

Oh. Hmm. Little fella, isn't he? Huh?

This is no patient, it's a loaf of bread.

And a very sick one.

Good grief! It's talking bread. Dr. Bob, what do you make of it?

What else? Toast!

And so, Dr. Bob has discovered edible patients. Tune in next week, when you will hear Nurse Janice say …

Uh, Dr. Bob. Should I prepare the anesthetic?

No, just stand by with the marmalade.

Gee, who is that? She is beautiful. Uh, excuse me, Miss. Can I help you?

Hello, darling. Got any wardrobe work for your old Hilda?

Hilda! Why Why, you're beautiful.

Thank you.

But you're so slim. How How do you do that?

Very tight foundation garments.

Oh, Hilda, I just want you to know that I think it's wonderful that you want to look your best and to

Oh, darn. My girdle had a blowout.

Oh, that's OK, Hilda. We love you like you are anyhow.

Well, the old gray mare is just what she used to be.

And now, featuring in concert with our own Muppet orchestra, Miss Phyllis Diller.

I'll find it.

Well, that's just about it for another show. We'd like to thank our special guest star, Miss Phyllis Diller!

Thank you, thank you, Kermit.

Oh, you're welcome, you're welcome, Phyllis.

Would you do me a favor?

For you, for you I would do anything.

Oh, how nice. Would you stand over there, on the other side of me?

Uh, stand over here?

Right over there.

Sure.

Yes.

Is this OK?

That's just perfect.

Hmm.

OK. Well, friends, as I say, it's the end of the show now, so thank you for joining us, and join us next time on The M Aaaah!

Haaa!

See you next time on The Muppet Show. Haaa!

Aaaah!

I loved it.

No! I hated it!

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