Episode 116: Avery Schreiber/transcript

Muppet Labs

	Open on Dr. Bunsen, displaying his latest invention.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. And here it is, folks, the product you've all been waiting for, the new solid-state gorilla detector. Yes, friends, how many times have you awakened at night in the dark and said to yourself: "Is there a gorilla in here?" And how many people do you know whose vacations were ruined because they were eaten by undetected gorillas? Well, no more of that. Whenever a gorilla comes anywhere near this device, its lights will flash and its bell will ring.
	A gorilla climbs over the wall.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. At last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.
	Bunsen notices the gorilla as it destroys the machinery.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	That creature is not a gorilla. If he were a gorilla, the lights would flash and the bell would ring.
	The gorilla continues to wreak havoc.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Yes, Muppet technology is wonderful. It tells us that we are not seeing a gorilla smash a cabinet. So I know scientifically that I am not being eaten by a gorilla ...
	The gorilla drags Bunsen away. The detector goes off. The gorilla smashes the detector.

Veterinarian's Hospital

	Piggy plucks her eyebrows with a pair of forceps, and quickly takes her position.
Announcer	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stooory of an orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
	Rowlf drinks from a glass and tosses it.
Rowlf	Nope, I can't. I just cannot perform this operation!
Janice	But why not, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf	Well, frankly, I'm chicken.
Miss Piggy	No, that is a chicken.
	Rowlf uncovers a chicken on the operating table.
Rowlf	You're right.
Janice	Uh, besides, this should be right up your alley.
Rowlf	That's true, I am a bird dog. (rimshot!)
Miss Piggy	Are you really?
Rowlf	Sure. Every year, I fly south for the winter. (rimshot!)
Piggy & Janice	(in unison) Don't your arms get tired? (rimshot!)
Rowlf	There will now be a moment of silence.
Janice	Why?
Rowlf	For that joke that just died in the operating room. (laughs)
Miss Piggy	Seriously, Doctor, what about your patient?
Rowlf	Well, we have a choice. We can do a chicken appendectomy, a chicken tonsillectomy, or a chicken curry fricassee.
	The chicken starts to crawl away. Rowlf restrains it.
Rowlf	Whoa. Hey, we gotta do something about this turkey.
Miss Piggy	It's a chicken.
Chicken	I'm a chicken. The sketch is a turkey. (shave-and-a-haircut rimshot!)
Announcer	So Dr. Bob has run afoul of a fowl. Tune in next week, when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say...
Miss Piggy	Many of Dr. Bob's patients are chickens.
Janice	Why is that?
Miss Piggy	'Cause he's for the birds!

Goodnights

It's The Muppet Show with our special guest star Mr. Avery Schreiber.

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey, did you know that George the Janitor is so cheap that his wallet has an unlisted pocket? Am I too hip for the room? Hey...

To introduce our guest stars

That's what it's time to do

So it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

Mr. Avery Schreiber!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

But now let's get things started

on the most sensational, inspirational

Celebrational, Muppetational

This is what we call

The Muppet Show

OK. Welcome, welcome, dear friends. And we have another goodie for you. Our guest is a young man and an old friend, who's been making television and nightclub audiences laugh for many years as part of the comedy team of Burns and Schreiber. And right now, he's launching a new career as a movie performer and a television star in his own right, Mr. Avery Schreiber! So we should have another biggie, but right now, let's get things underway with our own Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem!

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to do for you an old favorite. We like to think of our group as being able to play more than hard rock. So here's an old favorite for some of you moms and pops. It's called, and we'll play, "Tenderly."

The evening breeze

caressed the trees

Tenderly

Yeah,

The trembling trees

embraced the breeze

Tenderly

Then you and I

Came wandering by

And lost in a sigh were we

The shore was kissed by sea and mist

Tenderly

I can't forget how two hearts met

Breathlessly

Your arms opened wide

And closed me inside

You took my lips

You took my love

So tenderly

You took my lips

You took my love

So tenderly

So tenderly

So tenderly

So tenderly

Aw, that's tender, man.

I was just thinking, apropos of nothing, but is it pronounced "tomayto" or "tomahto"?

Is what pronounced tomayto or tomahto?

Great number. Warm, sensitive. My grandmother will love it.

Scooter, Scooter, Oh, dear nephew of the theater owner...

Yes, Miss Piggy?

- Would you do Miss Piggy a favor?

Oh, sure. Why not?

- Ahem. Well, you may have noticed, I have given my love to Kermit. You may also have noticed his reluctance in returning same.

Oh, so you want me to get your love from Kermit and give it back to you. OK, where does he keep it?

Amusing little twit, isn't he? No, bonehead! I want you to make him jealous.

Ah, I see.

I want you to tell him that Avery Schreiber is simply mad about me.

Oh, you want me to lie.

Just do it.

And if I refuse?

Well, then I will karate chop you until the only thing you'll be able to go for is down for the count!

One jealous frog coming up.

Piggy and Kermit were sweethearts

Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is a momentous occasion, as the mighty gladiator, Sir Avery of Macho, is scheduled to meet and challenge the most fearsome, vicious beast known in the world today, the Monster of the Moors. Matter of fact, here comes Sir Avery now. Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Avery of Macho!

Where is he? Where is this cretinous creature? Come out! Come out! Where is he? Aah! Godfrey Daniels! Are you he, sir?

Oh, no, no, No, no, I am Kermit the Frog, sir.

Kermit the Frog?

- Yes, sir.

Well, where is this monster? I'll rip him to shreds. I'll tear off his arms and legs and play pick-up-sticks. Where is he?

Now, what does that mean? Is it gonna rain or something?

No, no, Matter of fact, I think that means that the monster's about to make his appearance. Is that right?

Aha! Who's gonna do what to me when, huh?

Are you the Monster of the Moors?

No, I'm Little Bo Peep. What's it to you?

Aha. He seems to have an overactive pituitary gland. All right, monster, this is Sir Avery of Macho! I'm here to challenge you!

All right, I accept.

How do you wanna fight, with swords or clubs? Name your pleasure.

Well I choose, right?

Mm-hm.

The weapon I choose is insults.

- Huh? Insults?

That's right. Ha ha. He's a lot bigger than my agent told me.

You heard that right here, folks. Sir Avery has chosen insults. And, indeed, he is known for his razorlike wit, which he's gonna need, because he's against one of the foulest mouths in the kingdom.

Ready?

Give me your best shot, fat stuff.

Fat stuff? You call me fat stuff? Your mother wears open-toed combat boots!

Sir Avery opened with an old standard there. Let's see how the monster answers.

You call that an insult? Here's an insult. The last time I saw a head like yours was in a lettuce patch!

Oh.

Look at that, Sir Avery has been hit, Sir Avery has been hit. Let's see how he answers now,

Monster?

- Hm?

I've been talking to your best friends.

- And?

You don't have any.

- Huh?

Look at that, Sir Avery is now choosing the psychological attack. As a matter of fact

No, no, I won't tell you.

- Oh, no, please, I can take it.

Nobody likes you.

- Oh! Oh! Oh!

As a matter of fact, your dog doesn't like you.

Oh!

- In fact, I doubt if you even have a dog.

I had a dog.

- You had a dog. What happened to him?

I ate him.

- Why'd you eat him?

Because he didn't like me.

I give up. You win.

Look at that, folks. It looks like it's all over now. Sir Avery?

- Yeah?

Only one thing. When you and Burns had a comedy team, well, you were my favorite comedy team second favorite, of all time.

What do you mean, second favorite? Who was first?

Starsky and Hutch!

Oh.

Oh, look at that, Sir Avery is hit bad, and he's going down. It looks It looks like Friends, I think it's gonna be a draw.

Wait a minute, I demand a rematch!

He didn't get me with his insult. It was his breath.

- Hah!

Well, so I win a lot, but it's a lonely life.

Funny man, He was great as a team, I wonder what it feels like to work alone.

Ask me, I do it every week.

Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. And here it is, folks, the product you've all been waiting for, the new solid-state gorilla detector. Yes, friends, how many times have you awakened at night in the dark and said to yourself, "Is there a gorilla in here?" And how many people do you know whose vacations were ruined because they were eaten by undetected gorillas? Well, no more of that. Whenever a gorilla comes anywhere near this device, its lights will flash and its bell will ring. Think of the safety, think of the sense of well-being. At last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.

That creature is not a gorilla. If he were a gorilla, the lights would flash and the bell would ring. Yes, Muppet technology is wonderful. It tells us that we are not seeing a gorilla smash a cabinet. So I know scientifically that I am not being eaten by a gorilla ...

Scooter! Scooter? Scooter

- Yes, boss?

Ah, Scooter, would you go for Avery and tell him to stand by for his next number?

Boss, you know there's nothing I wouldn't do for you.

Well, so far, that's what you've done – nothing.

I would climb the highest mountain, I would swim the widest river, I'd walk across burning coals

- Please! Just go get Avery.

That I can't do.

- What?

Sorry, boss, but he and Miss Piggy are in his dressing room, and he told me he did not want to be disturbed.

Piggy and Avery? Are you nuts? Why, he wouldn't touch her with a ten-foot pole.

You're right. He was touching her with his hands. He was also whispering sweet nothings into her ear. Nothings like...

Will you get out of here?! Out, out, out! Anybody want to buy a gofer cheap? Piggy and Avery? Yecch.

You know, I had a bit part in a movie last week.

A bit part?

- Yeah, I bit someone.

I'm very careful with my diet. When I got on the scale this morning, I weighed 104 pounds,

Stripped?

- Of course not. The drugstore was crowded.

- Oh.

Hey, hey, let's boogie.

OK,

- Boogie, boogie, boogie.

I notice nothing bothers you. Are you into meditation?

No. Sedation.

Boogie, boogie, boogie.

They shouldn't allow his kind in here.

You're right. He's a lousy dancer.

Boogie, boogie, boogie,

Thank you.

This special time

This special place

Is brightened by your special face

I wish I may

I wish I might

Have the wish I wish for you tonight

May you

always walk in sunshine

Slumber warm when night winds blow

May you always live with laughter

For a smile becomes you so

May good fortune find your doorway

May the bluebird sing your song

May no trouble travel your way

May no worry stay too long

May your heartaches be forgotten

- # May no tears be spilled

- # Tears be spilled

May auld acquaintance be remembered

And your cup

of kindness filled

May you always be a dreamer

May your wildest dreams come true

May you find someone to love

As much as I love

You

Love you

Hey, Avery, listen, welcome to the show. It's really nice to see you again.

I'm glad to see you again, Kermit. I really feel at home here, you know?

Ah, hello, my love.

Uh, Miss Piggy, listen, I was just trying to talk to Avery.

Oh, please, please, let me just stand here and gaze upon that adorable face.

Ah, well, there's no time for that, no matter how adorable you think my face is.

Not your face, El Toado! His.

- His?

Ah, Miss Piggy.

Oh, you can call me by my real name, which few men have called me, Pigathius,

- Pigathius?

Mm. It's from the Greek, meaning "river of passion."

Oh, Miss Piggy.

- Hm?

You can call me Avery, It's from the Yiddish, meaning "hold the mayo."

Well, you can both call me a cab 'cause I'm getting out of here, and so are you.

What? What's the matter?

I know what's been going on behind my back, but Miss Piggy is my girl. You're just a guest on this show, just passing through town. She loves me, and she's gonna have dinner with me tonight after the show. Miss Piggy, you and me, alone!

Oh, Avery - Just like I said. It worked, didn't it? He really loves me. Oh, thank you so much..How about a smacker right on these porker lips, hm? Kissy, kissy.

Well, I-I Don't take it personally, no, I can't kiss you. You see, I mean no offense, but my family never even touched a pig, much less put their lips to one.

Well, put your lips to this! Hii-yah!

And now, the finest singing team since Jeanette MacDonald and Nelson Eddy. They are awe-inspiring. In fact, when I hear them sing, I go, "Aw.” Here they are, Wayne and Wanda. Get it right.

Some enchanted evening

You may meet a stranger

You may meet a stranger

He said "meet," not "eat,"

Oh, sorry.

And now, "Veterinarian's Hospital, " the continuing story of an orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.

Nope, I can't. I just cannot perform this operation.

But why not, Dr. Bob?

- Well, frankly, I'm chicken.

No, that is a chicken.

You're right.

Besides, this should be right up your alley.

That's true, I am a bird dog.

Are you really?

- Sure. Every year, I fly south for the winter.

Don't your arms get tired?

There now will be a moment of silence.

- Why?

For that joke that just died in the operating room.

So, you see, Doctor, what about your patient?

Well, we have a choice. We can do a chicken appendectomy, a chicken tonsillectomy, or a chicken curry fricassee.

Whoa.

We gotta do something about this turkey.

- It's a chicken.

I'm a chicken. The sketch is a turkey.

So Dr. Bob has run afoul of a fowl. Tune in next week, when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say...

Many of Dr. Bob's patients are chickens.

- Why is that?

'Cause he's for the birds.

OK, let's move it. Don't bask in the glory. Ten years from now, they'll have forgotten even the best of you. Knute Rockne, 1932.

Aw, Kermit, my love, my life, I am sorry if Avery made you jealous.

Uh, Fozzie Bear, stand by.

Fozzie Bear, stand by.

You are jealous, aren't you?

- Fozzie, stand by.

Uh, no, I'm not.

- But why?

Fozzie, stand by.

- Scooter told me it was all a trick.

Scooter, stand by!

Hii-yah! Hah!

Nice punt.

Who needs ya?!

Flipper face!

OK, once again, it's time for the king of the one-liners, the sharp retort and the funny ears, Mr. Fozzie Bear!

Hey, hey, hey, I'm a bear, I'm not a bunny, so here's some stuff that's really funny.

Hey, hey, hey, I'm not a dope.

And I'm no dummy.

So how come your stuff

is really crummy?

Hey, come on, you guys, I come out here just to give you a good time.

If you wanna give us a good time

Go back in.

Aw, gimme a break.

Hey, listen. Why don't you guys leave Fozzie alone?

Yeah. Thanks, Avery. Thanks a lot.

I know what it's like to be out here every night getting heckled.

Yeah, yeah, by the audience, huh?

- No, by my partner. I love him like a brother, but he was always concerned that the act be dignified. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

- Huh?

Yeah.

- Huh?

Dignified.

- Yeah.

I asked him to do the banana-in-the-ear shtick.

Yeah?

Yeah. And he wouldn't do it.

Oh, come on, that's funny shtick. That's a funny bit.

That's right. He said it would look dumb.

- Oh, the banana's funny.

Would you do it?

- Of course I'd do it.

Try.

- Oh, terrific, a banana.

Here we go. In the ear!

He's right. It does look kind of dumb. Well, see ya, Fozzie.

Avery!

I was just kidding, I wouldn't leave you out here with a banana in the ear. To show you what a good sport I am, I'll put the banana in my ear.

Nobody laughed.

Oh, look at that.

- Wait a minute. Hold it, hold it!

Why is it that when I did it, you didn't laugh, but when Avery does it, you go crazy?

Oh, it's his pace.

- His timing.

His delivery.

- His ear.

You see, Jack? I told you it would work. This is the greatest thing in my life.

Here's a Muppet news flash. There is no news tonight.

Can you do that?

Everybody now.

Well, that's it for tonight. We'd like to thank our very special guest star Mr. Avery Schreiber.

Thank you, Kermit. Thank you. Listen, it was a ball. I hope I didn't get you upset.

Boy, Miss Piggy has a bad temper, doesn't she?

Aw, listen, don't worry, I can handle Miss Piggy. You know, she's just putty in my hands. I say, "Jump," she says, "How high?" I crack the whip, she jumps through the hoop.

You open your mouth, my fist goes south. Hii-yah!

Gee, I love to see a man in control, Kermit.

We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.

Hii-yah! Hii-yah!

Well, you gotta give 'em credit.

- Why's that?

Well, they're gonna keep on doin' it till they get it right.