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Episode 116: Avery Schreiber/transcript

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It's The Muppet Show with our special

guest star Mr, Avery Schreiber,

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey, did you know that

George the Janitor is so cheap

that his wallet has

an unlisted pocket?

Am I too hip for the room? Hey

To introduce our guest stars

That's what it's time to do

So it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

Mr, Avery Schreiber!





But now let's get things started

on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

This is what we call

The Muppet Show

OK, Welcome, welcome, dear friends,

And we have another goodie for you,

Our guest is a young

man and an old friend,

who's been making television

and nightclub audiences laugh

for many years as part of the

comedy team of Burns and Schreiber,

And right now, he's launching a new career

as a movie performer and a television star

in his own right, Mr, Avery Schreiber!

So we should have another biggie, but

right now, let's get things underway

with our own Dr, Teeth

and The Electric Mayhem!

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we'd

like to do for you an old favorite,

We like to think of our group as

being able to play more than hard rock,

So here's an old favorite

for some of you moms and pops,

It's called, and we'll

play, "Tenderly,"

The evening breeze

caressed the trees



The trembling trees

embraced the breeze


Then you and I

� Came wandering by

� And lost in a sigh were we

The shore was kissed by sea and mist


I can't forget how two hearts met


Your arms opened wide

And closed me inside

You took my lips

You took my love

So tenderly

You took my lips

You took my love

So tenderly

So tenderly

So tenderly

So tenderly

Aw, that's tender, man,

I was just thinking,

apropos of nothing,

but is it pronounced

"tomayto" or "tomahto"?

Is what pronounced tomayto or tomahto?

Great number, Warm, sensitive,

My grandmother will love it,

Scooter, Scooter, Oh, dear

nephew of the theater owner

Yes, Miss Piggy?

- Would you do Miss Piggy a favor?

Oh, sure, Why not?

- Ahem,

Well, you may have noticed, I

have given my love to Kermit,

You may also have noticed his

reluctance in returning same,

Oh, so you want me to get your love

from Kermit and give it back to you,

OK, where does he keep it?

Amusing little twit, isn't he?

No, bonehead! I want

you to make him jealous,

Ah, I see,

I want you to tell him that Avery

Schreiber is simply mad about me,

Oh, you want me to lie,

Just do it,

And if I refuse?

Well, then I will karate chop you untiI

the only thing you'll be able to go for

is down for the count!

One jealous frog coming up,

Piggy and Kermit were sweethearts

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

this is a momentous occasion,

as the mighty gladiator,

Sir Avery of Macho,

is scheduled to meet and challenge

the most fearsome, vicious beast

known in the world today,

the Monster of the Moors,

Matter of fact, here comes Sir Avery now,

Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Avery of Macho!

Where is he? Where is

this cretinous creature?

Come out! Come out! Where is he?

Aah! Godfrey Daniels!

Are you he, sir?

Oh, no, no, No, no, I

am Kermit the Frog, sir,

Kermit the Frog?

- Yes, sir,

Well, where is this monster?

I'll rip him to shreds,

I'll tear off his arms and legs and

play pick-up-sticks, Where is he?

Now, what does that mean? Is

it gonna rain or something?

No, no, Matter of

fact, I think that means

that the monster's about

to make his appearance,

Is that right?

Aha! Who's gonna do

what to me when, huh?

Are you the Monster of the Moors?

No, I'm Little Bo

Peep, What's it to you?

Aha, He seems to have an

overactive pituitary gland,

All right, monster, this

is Sir Avery of Macho!

I'm here to challenge you!

All right, I accept,

How do you wanna fight, with

swords or clubs? Name your pleasure,

Well I choose,

right? - Mm-hm,

The weapon I choose

- is insults,

- Huh? Insults?

That's right, Ha ha,

He's a lot bigger

than my agent told me,

You heard that right here, folks,

Sir Avery has chosen insults,

And, indeed, he is known for his

razorlike wit, which he's gonna need,

because he's against one of the

foulest mouths in the kingdom,


Give me your best shot, fat stuff,

Fat stuff? You call me fat stuff?

Your mother wears

open-toed combat boots!

Sir Avery opened with an old standard

there, Let's see how the monster answers,

You call that an

insult? Here's an insult,

The last time I saw a head like

yours was in a lettuce patch!


Look at that, Sir Avery has

been hit, Sir Avery has been hit,

Let's see how he answers now,


- Hm?

I've been talking to your best friends,

- And?

You don't have any,

- Huh?

Look at that, Sir Avery is now

choosing the psychologicaI attack,

As a matter of fact

No, no, I won't tell you,

- Oh, no, please, I can take it,

Nobody likes you,

- Oh! Oh! Oh!

As a matter of fact,

your dog doesn't like you,


- In fact, I doubt if you even have a dog,

I had a dog,

- You had a dog, What happened to him?

I ate him,

- Why'd you eat him?

Because he didn't like me,

I give up, You win,

Look at that, folks, It

looks like it's all over now,

Sir Avery?

- Yeah?

Only one thing, When you

and Burns had a comedy team,

well, you were my favorite comedy

team second favorite, of all time,

What do you mean, second

favorite? Who was first?

Starsky and Hutch!


Oh, look at that, Sir Avery is

hit bad, and he's going down,

It looks It looks like

Friends, I think it's gonna be a draw,

Wait a minute, I demand a rematch!

He didn't get me with his insult,

It was his breath,

- Hah!

Well, so I win a lot,

but it's a lonely life,

Funny man, He was great as a team, I

wonder what it feels like to work alone,

Ask me, I do it every week,

Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where

the future is being made today,

And here it is, folks, the product

you've all been waiting for,

the new solid-state gorilla detector,

Yes, friends, how many times have

you awakened at night in the dark

and said to yourself, "Is

there a gorilla in here?"

And how many people do you

know whose vacations were ruined

because they were eaten

by undetected gorillas?

Well, no more of that, Whenever a

gorilla comes anywhere near this device,

its lights will flash

and its bell will ring,

Think of the safety, think

of the sense of well-being,

At last, your family can be protected

from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion,

That creature is not a gorilla,

If he were a gorilla, the lights

would flash and the bell would ring,

Yes, Muppet technology is wonderfuI,

It tells us that we are not

seeing a gorilla smash a cabinet,

So I know scientifically that I

am not being eaten by a gorilla,

Scooter! Scooter?


- Yes, boss?

Ah, Scooter, would you go for Avery and

tell him to stand by for his next number?

Boss, you know there's

nothing I wouldn't do for you,

Well, so far, that's what

you've done nothing,

I would climb the highest mountain,

I would swim the widest river,

I'd walk across burning coals

- Please! Just go get Avery,

That I can't do,

- What?

Sorry, boss, but he and Miss

Piggy are in his dressing room,

and he told me he did

not want to be disturbed,

Piggy and Avery? Are you nuts? Why, he

wouldn't touch her with a ten-foot pole,

You're right, He was

touching her with his hands,

He was also whispering sweet nothings

into her ear, Nothings like

Will you get out of

here?! Out, out, out!

Anybody want to buy a gofer cheap?

Piggy and Avery? Yecch,

You know, I had a bit

part in a movie last week,

A bit part?

- Yeah, I bit someone,

I'm very carefuI with my diet,

When I got on the scale this

morning, I weighed 1 04 pounds,


- Of course not,

The drugstore was crowded,

- Oh,

Hey, hey, let's boogie,


- Boogie, boogie, boogie,

I notice nothing bothers

you, Are you into meditation?

No, Sedation,

Boogie, boogie, boogie,

They shouldn't allow his kind in here,

You're right, He's a lousy dancer,

Boogie, boogie, boogie,

Thank you,

This special time

This special place

Is brightened by your special face

I wish I may

I wish I might

Have the wish I wish for you tonight

May you

always walk in sunshine

Slumber warm when night winds blow

May you always live with laughter

For a smile becomes you so

May good fortune find your doorway

May the bluebird sing your song

May no trouble traveI your way

May no worry stay too long

May your heartaches be forgotten

- # May no tears be spilled

- # Tears be spilled

May auld acquaintance be remembered

And your cup

of kindness filled

May you always be a dreamer

May your wildest dreams come true

May you find someone to love

As much as I love


Love you

Hey, Avery, listen, welcome to the

show, It's really nice to see you again,

I'm glad to see you again, Kermit,

I really feeI at home here, you know?

Ah, hello, my love,

Uh, Miss Piggy, listen, I was

just trying to talk to Avery,

Oh, please, please, let me just stand

here and gaze upon that adorable face,

Ah, well, there's no time for that, no

matter how adorable you think my face is,

Not your face, El Toado!


- His?

Ah, Miss Piggy,

Oh, you can call me by my reaI

name, which few men have called me,


- Pigathius?

Mm, It's from the Greek,

meaning "river of passion,"

Oh, Miss Piggy,

- Hm?

You can call me Avery, It's from the

Yiddish, meaning "hold the mayo,"

Well, you can both call me a cab 'cause

I'm getting out of here, and so are you,

What? What's the matter?

I know what's been going on behind

my back, but Miss Piggy is my girI,

You're just a guest on this

show, just passing through town,

She loves me, and she's gonna have

dinner with me tonight after the show,

Miss Piggy, you and me, alone!

Oh, Avery

- Just like I said, It worked, didn't it?

He really loves me,

Oh, thank you so much,

How about a smacker right on these

porker lips, hm? Kissy, kissy,

Well, I-I Don't take it

personally, no, I can't kiss you,

You see, I mean no offense, but

my family never even touched a pig,

much less put their lips to one,

Well, put your lips to this!


And now, the finest singing team since

Jeanette MacDonald and Nelson Eddy,

They are awe-inspiring,

In fact, when I hear

them sing, I go, "Aw,"

Here they are, Wayne and Wanda,

Get it right,

Some enchanted evening

You may meet a stranger

You may meet a stranger

He said "meet," not "eat,"

Oh, sorry,

And now,

"Veterinarian's Hospital, "

the continuing story of an orthopedic

surgeon who's gone to the dogs.

Nope, I can't, I just cannot

perform this operation,

But why not, Dr, Bob?

- Well, frankly, I'm chicken,

No, that is a chicken,

You're right,

Besides, this should

be right up your alley,

That's true, I am a bird dog,

Are you really?

- Sure, Every year, I fly south for the winter,

Don't your arms get tired?

There now will be a moment of silence,

- Why?

For that joke that just died

in the operating room,

So, you see, Doctor,

what about your patient?

Well, we have a choice, We

can do a chicken appendectomy,

a chicken tonsillectomy, or

a chicken curry fricassee,


We gotta do something about this turkey,

- It's a chicken,

I'm a chicken, The sketch is a turkey,

So Dr. Bob has

run afoul of a fowl.

Tune in next week, when

you'll hear Nurse Piggy say

Many of Dr, Bob's patients are chickens,

- Why is that?

'Cause he's for the birds,

OK, let's move it,

Don't bask in the glory,

Ten years from now, they'll have

forgotten even the best of you,

Knute Rockne, 1 932,

Aw, Kermit, my love, my life,

I am sorry if Avery made you jealous,

Uh, Fozzie Bear, stand by,

Fozzie Bear, stand by,

You are jealous, aren't you?

- Fozzie, stand by,

Uh, no, I'm not,

- But why?

Fozzie, stand by,

- Scooter told me it was all a trick,

Scooter, stand by!

Hii-yah! Hah!

Nice punt,

Who needs ya?!

Flipper face!

OK, once again, it's time for

the king of the one-liners,

the sharp retort and the

funny ears, Mr, Fozzie Bear!

Hey, hey, hey, I'm a bear, I'm not a bunny,

so here's some stuff that's really funny,

Hey, hey, hey, I'm not a dope,

- And I'm no dummy,

So how come your stuff

- is really crummy?

Hey, come on, you guys, I come out

here just to give you a good time,

If you wanna give us a good time

- Go back in,

Aw, gimme a break,

- Hey, listen,

Why don't you guys leave Fozzie alone?

Yeah, Thanks, Avery, Thanks a lot,

I know what it's like to be out

here every night getting heckled,

Yeah, yeah, by the audience, huh?

- No, by my partner,

I love him like a brother,

but he was always concerned that the

act be dignified, You know what I mean?


- Huh?


- Huh?


- Yeah,

I asked him to do the

banana-in-the-ear shtick,


- Yeah, And he wouldn't do it,

Oh, come on, that's funny

shtick, That's a funny bit,

That's right, He said it would look dumb,

- Oh, the banana's funny,

Would you do it?

- Of course I'd do it,


- Oh, terrific, a banana,

Here we go, In the ear!

He's right, It does look kind

of dumb, Well, see ya, Fozzie,


I was just kidding, I wouldn't leave

you out here with a banana in the ear,

To show you what a good sport I

am, I'll put the banana in my ear,

Nobody laughed,

Oh, look at that,

- Wait a minute, Hold it, hold it!

Why is it that when I

did it, you didn't laugh,

but when Avery does it, you go crazy?

Oh, it's his pace,

- His timing,

His delivery,

- His ear,

You see, Jack? I told

you it would work,

This is the greatest thing in my life,

Here's a Muppet news flash,

There is no news tonight,

Can you do that?

Everybody now,

Well, that's it for tonight,

We'd like to thank our very special

guest star Mr, Avery Schreiber,

Thank you, Kermit, Thank you,

Listen, it was a ball, I

hope I didn't get you upset,

Boy, Miss Piggy has a

bad temper, doesn't she?

Aw, listen, don't worry,

I can handle Miss Piggy,

You know, she's just putty in my hands,

I say, "Jump," she says, "How high?"

I crack the whip, she

jumps through the hoop,

You open your mouth,

my fist goes south,


Gee, I love to see a

man in controI, Kermit,

We'll see you all next

time on The Muppet Show.



Well, you gotta give 'em credit,

- Why's that?

Well, they're gonna keep on

doin' it till they get it right,

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