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Episode 115: Candice Bergen/transcript

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Theme

Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Candice Bergen! Woo!
The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!

Male chorus

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!

The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie Hey, question. What has a thousand legs, but can't walk? 500 pairs of pants. Ha ha.
He wiggles his ears. The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit

To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
And it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Miss Candice Bergen! Woo!

The cast of Muppets surround Candice.
Kermit But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang

On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!

115 gonzo fights O
Gonzo, sporting a boxing glove, punches the "O." It sounds like a ringside bell, indicating the start of a match. Gonzo stands ready for the fight!

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Hey, boy, do we have a show for you tonight. Our special guest star is the beautiful Miss Candice Bergen. And she's not just another pretty face. Besides being an actress, she's a top photographer, a writer, a world traveler, what you'd call a well-rounded person.
Statler Ha. You can say that again. Woo-woo! Woo-woo!
115 intro 1
He and Waldorf chuckle.
Kermit Listen, you clowns. We're not gonna have any of those male-chauvinist-pig jokes while Miss Bergen is out here.
Piggy peeks from the curtain.
Miss Piggy Ahem! I'm tired of any kind of pig joke.
She comes out.
Kermit Uh, Piggy, what are you doing out here?
Miss Piggy Oh, Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on the show — heh — you forget about me?
Kermit Uh Yeah, well, uh uh, we could have a seal act on the show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.
Miss Piggy He tries so desperately to hide his love for me.
Kermit Uh, yeah, but, uh…
Miss Piggy You promised I was gonna open the show this week, flipperface.
Kermit Uh Piggy, my love, my life...
115 intro 2
Miss Piggy Never mind that jazz! Listen, turkey! Mizzzzz Bergen said I should stand up for my rights. Either I open the show or Mizzzzz Bergen and I walk.
Kermit Well, OK, OK, you can open the show, Piggy. You get to open the show.
Miss Piggy Oh! What a surprise! Oh, thank you, my love. Mwah! Kissy, kissy.
Kermit Uh, never let it be said that the frog is a pig. So, ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Mizzzz Piggy, and her rendition of "What Now My Love?"
Whatnowmylove
Miss Piggy sings "What Now My Love?" She is backed by three Whatnots who gradually turn into monsters.

Backstage

Hilda accompanies a wailing Piggy as they pass by Kermit.
Kermit Nice, Piggy. You never sounded better. (to camera) OK, so I lie a little.
Fozzie Uh, wire for Kermit the Frog. Wire for Kermit the Frog. Oh, are you Kermit the Frog?
Kermit Of course I am.
He puts a wire hanger on Kermit's face.
115 wire
Fozzie Wire for you. Haaa!
Kermit (frowning) Cute. Cute bit.
He takes off the hanger and goes onstage.
Fozzie Haaa! Oh! I love a good running gag.

"Put Another Log on the Fire"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit There's a great little "down home country style, sitting by the fire, whittling and fiddling" song called "Put Another Log on the Fire." Here now is that song, and here too is tonight's very special guest star, Miss Candice Bergen.
115 log 1
The Hillbilly Singer sings "Put Another Log on the Fire" while Candice tries to do all the chores. At the end of the song she rebels and leaves, wearing a feminist t-shirt.
Putanotherlog 115 log 2

Backstage

At his desk, Kermit looks over the rundown.
Fozzie Letter for Kermit the Frog. Letter for Kermit the Frog. Letter for Ker— oh, are you Kermit the Frog?
Kermit Yeesh! You know I am, Fozzie.
115 letter
Fozzie Letter for you. Haaa haa. A letter. Haa. Fun-ny. Fun-ny. Haaa. (exits)
Kermit Someday I'm gonna get him. I don't know how, but I'm going to get him. It's not a bad joke, though.
Scooter walks by.
Kermit Oh, uh, letter for Scooter the gofer. Letter for Scooter the gofer.
Scooter What's that?
Kermit Are you Scooter the gofer?
Scooter Well, you know I am, chief.
Kermit There's a letter on the desk here for you.
Scooter Well, sorry, I'll have to read it later. You see, I'm really busy getting stuff for Miss Bergen. See ya.
Fozzie (pokes Kermit) Haaa! Haaa! Haaa! Fun-ny!

At the Dance

Couples tango in a ballroom.
Droop Hey, when I went to school, I was the teacher's pet.
115 at the dance
Woman What's the matter? Couldn't she afford a dog?
Droop Aww!
He starts whacking her with his nose. Meanwhile, Zoot and Janice tango.
Janice If the queen of England was free tomorrow night, would you take her to dinner?
Zoot Sure, babe. 'Course I would.
Janice Well, she can't make it, so how about me?
It takes two pigs to tango.
Male pig You know, you dance like Rogers.
Female pig (gasp) Oh, Ginger Rogers?
Male pig No. Roy Rogers.
George and Mildred tango together, as usual.
George the Janitor Hey, Mildred, would you mind if I popped the question?
Mildred (FO) Oh, why, of course not, George.
George the Janitor Thanks.
A Muppet with a balloon head reading "?" passes by. George pops his head with a pin, and laughs out loud.
Mildred (FO) Oh, shut up.

Panel discussion

115.panel1
Open on the panelists making small talk as the theme music plays. Zoom in on Kermit.
Kermit OK, uh It's time once again, friends, time once again to raise the intellectual level of our program. And our subject tonight is, "Does travel broaden the mind?" Our panel tonight consists of Mildred Huxtetter, M.A., B.A., D.A. and D.U.M.B.
Mildred (DG) Charmed, I'm sure.
Miss Piggy (RH) Oh, brother.
Kermit Miss Piggy, noted chanteuse and black belt holder.
Miss Piggy (RH) Mm-hm. Kissy kissy.
Mildred (DG) Ugh!
Kermit Sam the Eagle, our resident grouch.
Sam the Eagle Let's move it along, Frog.
Kermit OK. And our special guest panelist Miss Clara Cartwell, well-known travel agent and author of the best-selling book, Europe on $5,000 a Day.
Candice (posh accent) No, no, no. It's called Europe on $50 a Day. The book itself, however, costs $5,000.
Sam the Eagle Hmmm. (nods) And probably well worth it, too.
Candice Oh, yes. Yes.
Sam the Eagle Yes. Pictures and everything, I bet.
Candice Oh, yes. The works.
Kermit OK, but uh, let's get back to our subject, which is "Does travel broaden the mind?" Uh, Miss Cartwell.
Candice Well, as I write in my new book, Nowhere on Nothing a Day, traveling is the most broadening experience possible.
115.panel2
Mildred (DG) Well, Piggy here hasn't traveled at all, and she's broader than any of us.
Miss Piggy (RH) Watch it, needle-neck, or you won't be on the panel, you'll be under it!
An argument breaks out.
Kermit OK. Ladies, please control yourselves.
115 panel
Sam the Eagle Excuse me. 'Scuse me. 'Scuse me. Carla, let — let me apologize for those weirdos. I myself am a world traveler.
Candice Is that right? Where have you been?
Sam the Eagle Persia. I bought a rug there. Mm.
Candice Well, I'm glad you're not wearing it. I like bald eagles. (laughs) … Oh dear.
Sam the Eagle No, uh … Not that kind of rug.
Kermit Yes. OK. Well, I think we're getting away from the subject, which was "Does travel broaden the mind?"
Candice Ah. Well, absolutely no doubt about it. For example, I had a friend who never went anywhere, lived in the same town for over 30 years. She was so unsophisticated, she thought Marcello Mastroianni was an Italian soup.
They all laugh except Sam.
Miss Piggy (RH) It is to laugh!
Sam the Eagle You mean it isn't an Italian soup?
Mildred (DG) And he calls himself a world traveler?
Sam the Eagle No, no, wait. I have been to restaurants where I have ordered Marcello Mastroianni and I've gotten it.
Candice Really? What did you get?
Sam the Eagle A swarthy, good-looking man sitting in a bowl. I always send him back.
Candice What do you get when you order a Russian dressing? Rudolf Nureyev putting on his tights?
They all laugh except Sam.
Sam the Eagle I fail to see the humor in that.
Miss Piggy (RH) Oh, I love it. Burst his balloon, honey, he's so pompous.
Mildred (DG) Balloons! Speaking of balloons, either let some air out, or go on a diet. You're knocking me off the panel.
Miss Piggy (RH) I'll knock you out of the theater in a second! You, you —
Another argument breaks out.
Kermit OK, ladies. Wait. Please. Please. We have a special guest with us. You'd better put your best face forward.
Mildred (DG) And whose face is Porker here going to borrow?
Miss Piggy (RH) That does it. Why —
She throws blows to Mildred, knocking her under the panel.
Kermit Wait! Well, I guess that does it for our panel. I'm sorry about that, Miss Cartwell.
Candice Oh, no. It's been very broadening I think.
Sam the Eagle Do you really like me without my rug?
Candice Yes, I do. Are you busy later?
Sam the Eagle What? No, but I could, uh... We could wing out somewhere.
Kermit Well, uh, join us next week, when our topic will be "Air pollution: A modern myth?"
Smoke fills the room.

UK spot

Rowlf plays the piano and sings slowly.
Rowlf

It's not where you start — it's where you finish.
It's not how you go — it's how you land.
A hundred-to-one shot, they call him a klutz,
Can outrun the favorite — all he needs is the guts!
Your final return will not diminish,
And you can be the cream of the crop.
It's not where you start, it's where you finish,
And I'm gonna finish on—

Scooter Rowlf — hey, Rowlf, listen. Kermit says you sang the song too quick. You're gonna have to sing it again, but you only have a minute, OK?
Rowlf All right. Here we go—
He picks up the tempo.
Rowlf

It's not where you start — it's where you finish.
It's not how you go — it's how you land.
A hundred-to-one shot, they call him a klutz,
Can outrun the favorite — all he needs is the guts — how am I doing?
Your final return will not diminish,
And you can be the cream of the crop.
It's not where you start, it's where you finish,
And I'm gonna finish on—

Notwhereyoustart
Scooter (rapidly) Hey, Rowlf, Rowlf, listen. It's my uncle's favorite song. He says he'd like to hear it one more time, but you only have 20 seconds. All right, hit it!
He REALLY picks up the tempo this time. Scooter checks his watch.
Rowlf

It's not where you start — it's where you finish.
It's not how you go — it's how you land.

Scooter That's fifteen seconds!
Rowlf

A hundred-to-one shot, they call him a klutz,
Can outrun the favorite — all he needs is the guts!

Scooter Ten seconds!
Rowlf

Your final return will not diminish,
And you can be the cream of the crop.

Scooter Five seconds! Four!
Rowlf It's not where you start, it's where you finish,
Scooter Three … two …
Rowlf And I'm gonna finish on TIME!
He collapses, out of breath.
Scooter Nearly.
115 uk spot

Talk spot

Kermit poses for Candice as she takes pictures.
Kermit Cheese. (click!) Got that?
Candice Yeah. Um — Kermit, do you think you could do something a little more candid?
Kermit Uh, sure. Uh, let's see. (crosses his legs) How's that? Hmmm.
Candice Well, it's not exactly candid, Kermit, if you know what I mean.
Froginrepose
Kermit Oh, OK. Yes. Candid for Candice. (leans back) "Frog in repose."
Candice What I was thinking was something a little more natural.
Kermit More natural? Let's see. What have we got?
He spreads his legs and looks up.
Kermit Uh, make sure you get my good side, though.
Candice Which one? Which side is the good side?
Kermit (turns) I think it's this side. (turns) It might be this side over here. Or maybe … (turns) … I dunno, what do you think?
Candice (positions him) Well, I think — I think that head-on. Why don't we try one head-on? Just naturally.
Kermit Head-on? … OK. Although my profile has been compared to Barrymore.
Sweetums Yeah, Ethel Barrymore.
Kermit Uh, uh, Sweetums, if you don't mind, Candice is trying to take my picture.
115 sweetums
Sweetums Oh, yeah? Is that a good camera there?
Candice Yeah. That's a terrific camera. This is an 85-210 macro zoom lens with the finest Swiss optics. This is a great camera.
Sweetums Oh.
He eats the camera, spitting out the lens.
Sweetums Well, I don't know, I've tasted better. (walks away)
Candice Kermit, he ate my camera.
Kermit You're lucky. Last week he ate the guest.
Candice (aside) Cute. It's a cute show.

The Swedish Chef

Open on the Chef with some spoons.
Swedish Chef (sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
He tosses the spoons.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … der spëecy spïcy chïli jøøcy.
He displays each ingredient and puts it in the pot.
Swedish Chef Mm. … der spëecy spïcy. (mock Swedish) … de høtsie tøtsie. (mock Swedish) … de pëpper såucën.
He tastes it. His ears start to smoke. He doubles the recipe.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … more spëecy spïcy chïli jøøcy, de høtsie tøtsie, de pëpper såucën … (mock Swedish)
115 chef
He tastes it. His hat flies off. He faints from the impact.

"Look at That Face"

Candice poses as a model for art students, including Piggy, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Gonzo, Green Frackle, Blue Frackle and Mildred — all of whom paint Candice in their own image. Andre, the instructor, sings…
Andre
Andre

Look at that face! Just look at it!
Look at that fabulous face of yours.
I knew first look I took at it,
This was a face that the world adores.

Lookatthatface
Andre

Look at those eyes —
As wise and as deep as the sea.
Look at that nose—
It shows what a nose should be.

115.face1
Andre

As for your smile, it's lyrical,
Friendly and warm as a summer's day.
That face is just a miracle.
Where could I ever find words to say
The way that it makes me happy
Whatever the time or place?
I'll find in no book
What I find when I look at that face.

115.face2
Andre Hm. Interesting.
115.face3
Andre Rather definitive, yes?
115.face4
Andre Of course. Why not?
115.face5
Andre Inspired, but by what?
Candice eats some of the grapes.
Andre

The way that it makes me happy
Whatever the time or place?

Finally, he reaches Animal, who channels Jackson Pollock with his painting.
Andre

I'll find in no book
What I find when I look — Animal, that does not look like her. I told you to paint her.

Animal Oh. Thank you.
115 look at that face
He walks over to Candice and literally starts painting her.
Andre (sobbing) …what I find when I look at that face.

Backstage

At his desk, Kermit reads the paper. Fozzie enters.
Fozzie Uh, note for Kermit the Frog. Note for Kermit the Frog.
Kermit (groans)
Fozzie Oh, are you Kermit the Frog?
Kermit Yes, Fozzie, I am Kermit the Frog.
Fozzie Note for you.
115 note
A part of the door slides open to reveal three frogs, who sing a note.
Fozzie G sharp. (wiggles his ears)
Kermit Will you guys cut that out?
The door-slot shuts on his hand and he yelps. Fozzie laughs.
Fozzie Ha. Fun-ny! Fun-ny. I like it.

Veterinarian's Hospital

Announcer Time now for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of an orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
Piggy inhales some oxygen from a tank, notices she's on camera, and runs over to the operating table. Behemoth is the patient.
Rowlf All right. Now what's the next case?
Janice He's right here, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf Of course. What's this man here for?
Miss Piggy A stomachache, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf Stomachache, check.
He whacks Behemoth on the stomach with a mallet.
Behemoth (screams)
Rowlf There, now. That should ache for some time. (laughs)
Janice Uh, he's also here for a sore throat.
Rowlf Easy. (raises the mallet)
Behemoth Wait! I've got a sore throat. I want it to go away.
Rowlf Oh. Well, why didn't you say so? (tosses the mallet) Open up your mouth. (looks deep inside his mouth) Aha. Aha — oh-ho! I see the problem immediately,
Piggy & Janice What is it, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf This man has a frog in his throat.
Miss Piggy Are you certain?
Rowlf Positive.
Vhbehemoth
Kermit (pops up) Very funny. Just see if this dumb doctor sketch ever gets on the show again. (ducks back down)
Announcer And so Dr. Bob has found a patient with a case of ingrown TV-show host. Tune in next week, when you'll hear Dr. Bob say...
Rowlf Oh, let's clean up around here. This operating room is a mess.
Kermit That's nothing. You should see it in here.
Rowlf stuffs Kermit back down.

Backstage

Scooter, Hilda and Gonzo are gathered around Fozzie.
Fozzie Oh! Watch this. Have I got a topper for my running gag tonight! Oh, it is too much. OK, watch. Uh, flower for Kermit the Frog! Flower for Kermit the Frog. Flow -Oh, are you Kermit the Frog?
Kermit (sigh) You know I am, Fozzie.
He holds up a paper bag.
Fozzie Flour for you.
He pours flour on Kermit, who stands there speechless. Piggy walks by.
115 flour
Fozzie Hm? Haa. Haa. See? See that? That's a joke. Yeah, and that was the punch. (wiggles his ears)
Kermit (coughs)
Miss Piggy (RH) No, Fozzie. This is the punch.
She punches Fozzie, then stomps on him when he falls. She comes to Kermit's aid.

"Friends"

Gonzo stands alone in a forest clearing.
Gonzo

And I am all alone. *sniff*
There is no one here beside me.
And my problems have all gone.
There is no one to deride me.

Candice I'm here. It's me.

Because you have to have friends, you see, Gonzo —
The feeling's oh so strong.
Yes, you've got to have friends …
To last that whole day long.

Blue Frackle

I had some friends but they're gone.
I said, something come and took 'em away.
And from the dusk to the dawn,
Well, here is where I'll stay.

Candice

Well, standing at the end of the road, guys,
Waiting for your new friends to come.

Gonzo & Blue Frackle

I don't care if I'm hungry or cold,
I gotta get me some.

Rowlf, Hilda and Fozzie join them, followed by Mildred, Scooter and Kermit.
Candice & Muppets

Because you've got to have friends,
The feeling's oh so strong.
Yes, you've got to have friends …
To last that whole day long.
Yes, you gotta have friends.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
Friends…
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
Friends…

Friends
Candice (as they sing) You have to have friends, you see … you have to have friends. It's very important in life to have them, don't you think? It is, though.
Candice & Muppets

Friends…
Yes, you've got to have friends…

Applause.

Goodnights

Fozzie Oh, boy, oh, boy, Kermit's letting me wrap up the show tonight. OK. Ahem. Now, let's thank our special guest star, Miss Candice Bergen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Candice Thanks, Fozzie, I had a terrific time. It's just that I'm a little worried that maybe Kermit's upset with you. You know what I mean?
Fozzie Oh, no, no, no, no. He loves running gags. Oh, yeah. The frog…
Kermit Pie for Fozzie the Bear. Pie for Fozzie the Bear. Are you Fozzie the Bear?
Fozzie (shaking) No.
Kermit Good. I got a pie for you anyway.
115 pie
He shoves it in Fozzie's face, notices it didn't make much of an impact, and shoves it again. Some whipped cream lands on Candice. Fozzie reacts to this clearly unplanned moment.
Fozzie Look what you did! Look what you did!
Kermit We'll see you next week on The Muppet Show.
Fozzie You did that to the lady! The guest! Are you all right?
The Muppets gather as the credits roll.
Waldorf I think I ought to see a doctor.
Statler Why do you say that?
Waldorf I'm beginning to like the show.
Statler (laughs)
ATV
THE END

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