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Episode 114: Sandy Duncan/transcript

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Theme

Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Sandy Duncan!
The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!

Male chorus

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!

The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie Hey, we were so poor, I was born at home. After my mother saw me, she went to the hospital.
The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit

To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Miss Sandy Duncan!

The curtain opens on Sandy, on the set for the opening number.
Kermit But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang

On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!

114-1
Gonzo accidentally drops his mallet, and so hits the gong with his head.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hi-ho. I'm in a great mood tonight, and that's because our special guest star is a real good friend and a lovely lady - Miss Sandy Duncan. And so that means our show tonight should be a real bang-up affair …
Enter Crazy Harry, holding a detonator.
Crazy Harry Did somebody say "bang"?
Kermit Uh, no.
BOOM! Harry sets off an explosion which sends Kermit flying into the balcony with Statler and Waldorf.
Kermit (looks down) Wow. I've always wondered what the show looked like from up here. In any event, let's start off the show with a musical number that was staged by our own gofer, Scooter. It could be a bomb, but uh —
114-2
Crazy Harry Did somebody say "bomb"?
Kermit Oh no!
BOOM! Harry sets off another explosion and laughs. Fozzie waves his way through the smoke as he comes on stage.
Fozzie Wow. Heh. Well, somebody's gotta introduce our guest star, so it might as well be the old Fozzie. OK. Here she is, a star who does it all. She sings, she dances, she acts and she makes you feel good all over. Miss Sandy Duncan!
Fallinforsandy
Sandy performs "A Nice Girl Like Me," singing and dancing in a bar with several monsters. The Electric Mayhem plays backup.
Waldorf Bravo! Bravo!
Statler Mm. Wonderful.
Waldorf Fantastic.
Statler Tremendous. Yeah, you know, she makes me feel like a young boy. Heh.
Waldorf Yeah, she makes me feel like a young girl. I think I'll go find one. (exits)
Statler (laughs)

Backstage

Fozzie Oh, where is that handsome frog? Oh, there you are, old frog friend.
Kermit What?
Fozzie Would you lend me a fiver till payday?
Kermit Fozzie, you already owe me five.
114-3
Fozzie (begs) Oh, please, please, I know it, but I gotta pay my writer, the legendary Gags Beasley.
Kermit The legendary Gags comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
Fozzie Well, uh, we worked out a good deal.
Kermit You pay him by the line?
Fozzie No, I pay him by the laugh.
Kermit Oh. Then he owes you money. (chuckles, exits)
Fozzie Oh, that was cute. That was real cute, Frog!

The Swedish Chef

Fozzie's comedy act / Backstage

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit OK! Right now it's time for our own king of comedy. You've no doubt heard the expression "the next act needs no introduction" …
Statler Yeah, you're right. He doesn't need an introduction. He needs an act. (laughs with Waldorf)
Kermit In your opinion, maybe, but Fozzie Bear gets over 200 letters a week.
Statler Mm-hmm, yeah, but if he paid his bills, he wouldn't get any. (laughs with Waldorf)
Kermit I'll let Fozzie handle you guys. Here he is now, one of your favorites and I'm sure one of his - Mr. Fozzie Bear!
The curtain opens as Fozzie's fanfare plays.
Fozzie Hey! Thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you! Hey, love you. Oh, look out, I've got some great ones for you tonight! Hey, my wife loves children, but I can't bear them. Huh? Huh? Hey, we got three kids - one of each. (wiggles his ears) Haaaaa! Oh, I'm rolling now. I'm on a roll. I'm on a roll!
Waldorf Yeah? Well, why don't you butter yourself and slip on out of here?
Statler (laughs)
114-5
Fozzie Speaking of slipping, are you guys familiar with the banana sketch?
Statler Oh, nice segueway.
Waldorf Smooth.
Statler Good blend. (they nod)
Fozzie Hey, hey. These two bananas are walking down the street, and one banana says…
Meanwhile, backstage…
Hilda Listen to Fozzie. Oh! He has them eating right out from his hand.
Kermit Well, he's got a new writer - Gags Beasley.
114-6
Scooter Not the legendary Gags Beasley?
Kermit You mean, you've heard of him?
Scooter Well, who hasn't?
Kermit Me, for one.
Exit Scooter.
Hilda But Gags Beasley, he is to comedy what Mozart was to music. He wrote the famous banana sketch. (giggles)
Kermit The banana sketch. What's the banana sketch?
Hilda You never heard of the banana sketch? But it's the funniest … (laughs)
Fozzie comes backstage as his fanfare plays.
Fozzie Oh, hear that? Oh, boy. I killed 'em. Oh, boy.
Kermit Great, great.
Fozzie Yeah. I closed with the banana sketch, you know?
Kermit Fozzie, what is the banana sketch?!
Fozzie (a beat) You never heard of the banana sketch?
Kermit (frowns)
Fozzie Hey guys! Hey, Kermit never heard of the banana sketch! (exits)
Kermit I think somebody's pulling my leg. (looks down) Somebody is pulling my leg. It's The Great Gonzo.
114-7
Gonzo You never heard of the banana sketch? (laughs)
Kermit Will you cut that out! (exit Gonzo) Yeesh.

At the Dance

Couples tango in a ballroom. George tangos with Mildred.
Mildred You know, when I was in London, I saw them changing the guards.
George the Janitor Why? Were they dirty?
It takes two pigs to tango.
Male pig Where'd you say you were born?
Female pig In Paris.
Male pig Oh. How'd you do that?
Female pig The usual way.
Rowlf tangos with a woman.
Rowlf My cousin lives in the desert, and boy, can he run fast.
Woman 'Cause the sand is so hot?
Rowlf No, 'cause the trees are so far apart.
A rabbit and a woman do the tango-hop.
Rabbit Do you remember where we first met?
Woman 2 Yeah. At the hop.
Animal tangos with another woman.
Animal Haaaahhh. You know, I'm falling for you.
Woman 3 What can I do?
Animal Get out of the way! AAAAHHH!
Plop! He falls forward. He gets up and does it again.
Animal Wanna join me?
Woman 3 Yeah.
Plop! They both fall forward.
Animal Backwards!
Plop! They both fall backwards.
Animal Excuse me. Sideways.
Plop! They both fall sideways.
Woman 3 Oh, that was fun.
114-8

Inner Beauty

Open on an outdoor patio. Sandy passes by the fountain and spots Sweetums sitting on a bench, sobbing. She walks up to him.
Sandy Excuse me. Pardon me.
Sweetums Huh? You talkin' to me?
Sandy Yes. I couldn't help noticing that you're crying.
Sweetums Of course I'm crying. I feel sad. I mean, wouldn't you feel sad if you looked like me?
Sandy (sits down next to him) I don't think there's anything the matter with the way you look.
Sweetums Oh, you're just saying that to be nice.
Sandy No.
Sweetums No. I mean, I'm a big, huge, hairy lump, and I scare people. Every time I walk in this park, people yell, "Police!" They cry, "Monster!" Mothers grab their children and little dogs run away, and— and flowers wilt.
114-9
Sandy Oh, now, come on, I think you're exaggerating just a bit, aren't you?
Sweetums Oh, yeah? Well, watch this. (turns to a flower) Hello, flower. (the flower droops) See?
Sandy Yeah. Gee …
Sweetums And then see this dog over here?
Sandy Uh-huh.
Enter Muppy.
Sweetums Hello, doggy.
Muppy gnaws on Sweetums' hand, then walks off.
Sandy Well — but I'm not running away. I'm not calling the police, and I don't think you're a big lump. So there.
Sweetums It's true. You're not. A beautiful lady like you takes the time to sit down and talk to me?
Sandy Yeah, I — I just don't like seeing people cry. I think there's too much sadness in the world. You know what, if people just took a little time to look past the physical … they might find a lot of beautiful things about you.
Sweetums Oh! (blushes) I feel so good, so — so loved, so — so beautiful!
Sandy You see? If we feel beautiful, we are beautiful.
Sweetums (stands up) Oh, I feel beautiful! (Sandy hugs him) Hello, flower. (the flower stands up) Hello, doggy! (Muppy licks his hand) I feel beautiful! (scats, with a spring in his step) Hello, fountain. Oh, thank you, beautiful lady.
Sandy You're welcome.
Sweetums (trots away) Hello, pavement. Hello, grass.
Sandy walks to another bench, and encounters Behemoth.
Sandy Oh, my. You mustn't look so sad. Oh.
Sandyduncan2
Sandy I know that that you may appear to be, on the outside, ugly, but inside, I'll bet that you are as beautiful as a morning sunrise.
PLOP! He hits her in the face with a cream pie.
Sandy On the other hand …
She giggles and playfully swats at him.

UK Spot

Song.nobody-tms
Gonzo, accompanied by Rowlf, sings "Nobody."

"Never Smile at a Crocodile"

114-10
Mary Louise rides through the swamp, singing "Never Smile at a Crocodile" as frogs are eaten by her crocodile.

Talk Spot

Muppet Newsflash

Veterinarian's Hospital

"Try to Remember"

Goodnights

The spoons. English

word - here the moo-fin.

See the moo-fin? For the

hool, the boomer shootin'.

That's make der hool,

we throw der hoop.

Here we throw hoop.

Mm-hmm. That's very good.

This were the hool. Hoop!

That's weird. We throw der hoop.

This were the hool. Doo-nut.

OK! Right now it's time

for our own king of comedy.

You've no doubt heard the expression

"the next act needs no introduction"

Yeah, you're right. He doesn't need

an introduction. He needs an act.

In your opinion, maybe, but Fozzie

Bear gets over 200 letters a week.

Mm-hmm, yeah, but if he paid

his bills, he wouldn't get any.

I'll let Fozzie handle

you guys. Here he is now,

one of your favorites and I'm sure one of his

- Mr. Fozzie Bear!

Hey, thank you, thank you,

thank you and thank you.

Hey, love you. Oh, look out. I've

got some great ones for you tonight.

Hey, my wife loves children,

but I can't bear them.

Huh? Huh?

Hey, we got three kids

- one of each.

Ha ha!

Oh, I'm rolling now. I'm

on a roll. I'm on a roll!

Yeah? Well, why don't you butter

yourself and slip on out of here?

Speaking of slipping, are you guys

familiar with the banana sketch?

Oh, nice segue.

- Smooth.

Good blend.

Hey, hey. These two bananas

are walking down the street,

and one banana says

Listen to Fozzie. Oh!

He has them eating

right out from his hand.

Well, he's got a new writer

- Gags Beasley.

Not the legendary Gags Beasley?

- You mean, you've heard of him?

Well, who hasn't?

- Me, for one.

But Gags Beasley, he is to

comedy what Mozart was to music.

He wrote the famous banana sketch.

The banana sketch.

What's the banana sketch?

You never heard of the banana

sketch? But it's the funniest

What's?

Oh, oh

Oh, hear that?

Great, great.

- Oh, boy. I killed 'em. Oh, boy.

Yeah. I closed with the

banana sketch, you know?

Fozzie, what is the banana sketch?

You never heard of the banana sketch?

- Um

Hey, guys. Hey, Kermit never

heard of the banana sketch!

What's?

I think somebody's pulling my leg.

Somebody is pulling my

leg. It's The Great Gonzo.

You never heard of the banana sketch?

Will you cut that out!

Yeesh.

You know, when I was in London,

I saw them changing the guards.

Why, were they dirty?

Where'd you say you were born?

- In Paris.

Oh. How'd you do that?

- The usual way.

My cousin lives in the desert,

and boy, can he run fast.

- 'Cause the sand is so hot?

- No, 'cause the trees are so far apart.

Do you remember where we first met?

- Yeah.

At the hop.

You know, I'm falling for you.

- What can I do?

Get out of the way!

Wanna join me?

- Yeah.

Backwards.

Excuse me. Sideways.

Ohh.

Oh, that was fun.

Excuse me. Pardon me.

- Huh?

You talkin' to me?

- Yes.

I couldn't help noticing

that you're crying.

Of course I'm crying. I feel sad.

I mean, wouldn't you feel

sad if you looked like me?

I don't think there's anything

the matter with the way you look.

Oh, you're just saying that to be nice.

- No.

No. I mean, I'm a big, huge,

hairy lump, and I scare people.

Every time I walk in this

park, people yell, "Police!"

They cry, "Monster!"

Mothers grab their children and

little dogs run away and flowers wilt.

Oh, now, come on, I think you're

exaggerating just a bit, aren't you?

Oh, yeah? Well, watch this.

Hello, flower.

See?

- Yeah. Gee

And then see this

dog over here? - Uh-huh.

Hello, doggy.

But I'm not running away.

I'm not calling the police,

and I don't think you're

a big lump. So there.

Well, it's true. You're not.

A beautiful lady like you takes

the time to sit down and talk to me?

Yeah. I just don't

like seeing people cry.

I think there's too much

sadness in the world.

You know what? If people just took a

little time to look past the physical,

they might find a lot of

beautiful things about you.

Oh!

I feel so good, so so

loved, so so beautiful!

You see? If we feel

beautiful, we are beautiful.

Oh, I feel beautiful!

Hello, flower.

Hello, doggy.

I feeI beautiful!

Do-do-dee-doh-doh

Hello, fountain.

Oh, thank you, beautiful lady.

- You're welcome.

Oh,

dum-duh-duh

Hello, pavement. Hello, grass.

Oh, my.

You mustn't look so sad.

Oh

I know that that you may

appear to be, on the outside, ugly,

but inside,

I'll bet that you are as

beautiful as a morning sunrise.

On the other hand

When life seems

full of clouds and rain

And I am filled with naught but pain

Who soothes my

thumping, bumping brain?

Nobody

When winter comes

with snow and sleet

And me with hunger and cold feet

Who says, "Here's

two bits, go and eat"?

Nobody

I ain't never done nothin' to nobody

I ain't never got

nothing from nobody no time

And untiI I get something

from somebody sometime

I don't intend to

do nothin' for nobody

No time

When I try hard and scheme and plan

To look as good as e'er I can

Who says, "Look at

that handsome man"?

Who does?

- # Nobody

When all day long things go amiss

And I go home to find some bliss

Who hands to me a glowing kiss?

Nobody.

- Right,

I ain't never done nothin'

To nobody

I ain't never got nothing

From nobody no time

And until I get something

From somebody sometime

I don't intend to

do nothin' for nobody

No time

Hi, everybody.

- Hi there.

Oh, dear. I should have warned him.

Never smile at a crocodile

No, you can't get

friendly with a crocodile

Don't be taken in

by his welcome grin

He's imagining how well

you'd fit within his skin

Never smile at a crocodile

Never tip your hat

and stop to talk a while

Never run, walk away

Say, "Good night,"

not "Good day"

Clear the aisle and

never smile at Mr, Crocodile

You may very well be well-bred

Lots of etiquette in your head

But there's always some

special case, time or place

To forget etiquette

For instance

Never smile at a crocodile

No, you can't get

friendly with a crocodile

Don't be taken in by my welcome grin

I'm imagining how well

you'd fit within my skin

Never smile at a crocodile

Never tip your hat

and stop to talk a while

Never run, walk away

Say, "Good night,"

not "Good day"

G'night!

- G'night!

Clear the aisle and

never smile at Mr. Crocodile

Maybe I could meet you

guys tomorrow for lunch?

You know, Sandy, it's nice for the two

of us just to have a moment alone to talk.

I enjoy it, yeah.

- Hey, Sandy. Hey, Kermit.

Yeah, hi, Fozzie.

- Hi, Fozzie.

Hi. Oh, boy, do I have good news.

You can't stay long?

- No.

No, I got plen I

got plenty of time.

That's bad news. What's the good news?

- Oh

OK, Frog, see, the good news is that

I have a great idea for a sketch

Oh.

- for both of us to play.

You want to do a sketch with me?

- No, not you. With Sandy.

With me? Oh, that's a

- Yeah.

Well, that sounds great, Fozzie.

- Yeah.

Who wrote your sketch?

- Oh, my writer,

the legendary Gags Beasley.

Oh, come on, Fozzie.

Gags Beasley is your writer?

- Come on?

You know him?

- Well, I

Of course I know him. I mean,

you heard of Gags Beasley.

He wrote the famous banana sketch.

- That's right!

Wait a minute. Wait a

minute. Wait a minute.

Not you, too, Sandy.

- Huh?

Well, tell me, what

is this banana sketch?

You never heard of

it? Come on, Kermit.

Everybody's heard of the banana sketch.

- I told you, Kermit.

You know something?

- What?

Gags Beasley. I can't

believe he's your writer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- You know something?

I am impressed, Fozzie.

Really impressed.

Mm-hmm.

- Yeah.

It's a real classic, this banana sketch?

- Yeah.

And it was written by Gags Beasley?

- Yeah.

How does it go there, Sandy?

- I mean, "Gags," "banana,"

The words - synonymous,

right? - Right.

You can say that again. I gag

every time I hear about this sketch.

Fozzie, I could just be thinking about

the banana sketch, and I start to crack up.

Me too.

- Do you? Does it make you laugh?

Oh, stop.

Listen, hey, Fozzie

- What? What? What?

Do you use a green

banana or a yellow one?

Oh, yellow. Yellow.

Yeah.

A yellow one. I love it.

Hey, wait, wait. Hold, hold on.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Hold! Hold! Hold. Hold.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I'm sorry.

- Sandy. Sandy, please, please,

pretty please. Sandy, with

sugar on it, pretty please.

What?

- What is the banana sketch?

Go on, tell him. Go ahead, tell him.

Tell him. Tell him.

- You wanna tell him?

You tell him. You tell him. You tell him.

- OK, I'm gonna try.

Yeah?

- OK. Well, all right. All right.

Like, these two banan

These two bananas

are walking down the str

I can't stand it.

- It hurts to laugh.

Tell me the truth, Statler.

Do you get the banana sketch?

No. I get The New York Times

and the Manchester Guardian.

Sorry I asked.

Here's a Muppet news flash.

Dateline, Dallas, Texas.

Mrs. Billie Lee Bonkers of that city

recently entered the Guinness Book of Records

by establishing the world

jumping-in-place record.

Mrs, Bonkers began jumping

in place three months ago

and so far has jumped 652,000 times.

- 652,001.

- Mrs. Bonkers.

652,002.

Mrs. Bonkers, do you need any

special incentive to keep you going?

Oh, my, no. I have all

the incentive that I need.

Uh, how's that?

I am standing on a hot plate.

Ahh! Ooh! Ohh!

652,003

Truly a courageous

and inspiring story.

Where do we get these nuts?

OK, stand by for Veterinarian's

Hospital. Veterinarian's Hospital.

Oh, frog of my life,

please tell me what they're

saying about you is not true.

What's that, Piggy?

That you, you host of a television

show, veteran of the boards,

you have never heard

of the banana sketch?

Uh, "Piggy," said the frog, trying

to refrain from losing his cool

and looking like a bad sport,

"there is no banana sketch!"

"There never was a banana sketch and

there never will be a banana sketch!"

Whew.

- Touchy, touchy.

Hey, which way to my dressing room?

And don't try to shove

me into the refrigerator.

And now

"Veterinarian's Hospital, "

the continuing story of a

former orthopedic surgeon

who's gone to the dogs.

Well, what do you think, Dr. Bob?

This is your first transplant.

Well, there's always a second chance.

But what if he doesn't

make it, Dr. Bob?

I don't mean him. I mean me.

Let me check into something.

The old ticker still sounds great.

Oh, you mean, his new heart is fine?

No. I mean my new watch. I dropped

it in when I was sewing him up.

So Dr. Bob dropped his

watch in the patient's chest.

Tune in next week, when

we'll hear Dr. Bob say.

Well, let's look on the bright side.

At least if he doesn't make it,

we'll know the exact time he went.

That's wonderful,

wonderful, right, Statler?

Good grief, did he jump?

Try to remember

The kind of September

When life was slow

And oh, so mellow

Try to remember

The kind of September

When grass was green

And grain was yellow

Try to remember

The kind of September

When you were a

tender and callow fellow

Try to remember

And if you remember

Then follow

Follow

Follow

Try to remember

When life was so tender

That no one wept

Except the willow

Try to remember

When life was so tender

That dreams were kept

Beside your pillow

Try to remember

When life was so tender

That love was an ember

About to billow

Try to remember

And if you remember

Then follow

Follow

Follow

Well, once again it's time to fold

up our tents, but before we go,

we'd like to give a special thanks

to our guest star, Miss Sandy Duncan!

Thank you. Thank you,

Kermit.

I want you to know I had a good time,

- Oh, me, too. Hey, and you know

how some shows give their guest star

a dozen roses at the end of the show?

You shouldn't have.

- I didn't. Hey, banana boy!

Sandy, it was the frog's

idea, not mine, not mine.

It's all right. I love it. I love all of you.

- Yeah?

Yeah, well. I hope that's the last

I ever hear of the banana sketch.

We'll see you all next

time on The Muppet Show!

Thank you.

Well, how'd you like the show?

Maybe I'm getting soft, but

I loved it. Have a banana.

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