Episode 113: Bruce Forsyth/transcript

Theme

	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Bruce Forsyth!
	The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls	It's time to play the music It's time to light the lights It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus	It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight!
	The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie	Hey, question. If a man born in Poland is a Pole, is a man born in Holland a Hole? Think about it.
	The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit	To introduce our guest star, That's what I'm here to do! So it really makes me happy To introduce to you — Mr. Bruce Forsyth!
	Bruce grins as Muppets surround him.
Kermit	But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang	On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational This is what we call The Muppet Show!
	Gonzo hits the O, and it shatters.

Opening number

	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Hello, hello, hello. And if I sound a little British tonight, it's because our special guest star is one of England's truly great performers, Mr. Bruce Forsyth. He sings, dances, plays the piano, tells jokes — in fact he's a one-man variety show, and we're really pleased he's with us. But right now, let's kick things off with a new musical group we call the Snerfs. The Snerfs? (shrugs)
	The Snerfs dance to "In a Little Spanish Town".
Waldorf	Well, now I've seen everything.
Statler	Good! Can we leave?

Backstage

	The Snerfs pass by Kermit.
Kermit	OK. Nice number, nice number, Snerfs. Way to go.
	Enter a duck.
Duck	Oh, Kermit.
Kermit	Yeah?
Duck	I finally got the punchline down for the act tonight. Want to hear it?
Kermit	OK.
Duck	Good. "Quack!"
Kermit	Uh Fine, fine. But uh, keep working on it, OK?
Duck	Oh, sure, toad. Thanks a lot. You know, put me down like everybody else. (waddles away) Yeah, that's right. Put me down.
Kermit	Bitter duck.
	Enter Fozzie.
Fozzie	Oh, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, I am really gonna get 'em tonight.
Kermit	Get who?
Fozzie	Hm? Oh, Statler and Waldorf. You know, those two old guys who sit in the box and heckle me every night.
Kermit	Mm-hm.
Fozzie	Well, tonight I am ready for 'em. Ha ha. Yeah. I can handle any insult. Any of 'em. Hey, hey. Let's try it, OK? Let's see, uh, you be the audience, and I'll tell a joke, and then you insult me and then just watch my razor-sharp wit at work. OK, you ready, huh? Huh?
Kermit	Uh, no.
Fozzie	Good. OK. Here we go. I wouldn't say my wife can't cook, but last night she burned the water.
Kermit	Boo! Boo! That's terrible. Terrible. Get off the stage! You are the worst!
Fozzie	(removes his hat and grovels) Oh, please don't heckle me.
Kermit	Uh, Fozzie, is this an example of your razor-like wit?
Fozzie	Could still use a little sharpening, huh?
	Kermit shrugs and goes onstage.

"All I Need Is the Girl"

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	When it comes to song-and-dance men, it's pretty hard to top our special guest. So let's give a warm Muppet Show welcome to Mr. Bruce Forsyth.
	The curtain opens on Bruce against a dark backdrop with a neon gazebo. Music plays as he struts.
Bruce	Got my tweed pressed. Got my best vest. All I need now is the girl.
	A Gawky bird appears behind him.
Bruce	Got my striped tie. Got my hopes high. Got the time and the place and I got rhythm. All I need's the girl to go with 'em. If she'll Just appear, we'll Take this big bird — ?
	The music stops as he notices the bird.
Bruce	I must stop taking those pills. (rubs his forehead) It'll go away in a minute. (glances at the bird) Whatever it is, it's a real one. (giggles) I hope it's not a female. (laughs, faces the bird and stammers) Yes, I—I didn't see you there. I'm sorry, heheh, I'm doing my song-and-dance number. Would you mind waiting over there, please? Over there. In the corner. Over here. Let me show you.
	He drags the bird by the beak. The bird quivers.
Bruce	Let me show you. That's fine. That's it. OK. Trust me, trust me. I'll be gentle with you. No, bring the feet. Bring the feet. I think the tail will follow. Bring the feet. That's it. Good. Left, right. Right, left. That's it. Good. That's fine. Now, could we just sort of twist you round now? As you go, that's it. Now, back off, will you? Back off. Left hand down a bit. Left hand. As you were. Off you go. Off you go, then. There you go. That's fine. You see, I'm just going to do my song-and-dance number. It's the only thing I've got in the whole show. (glances at the audience) Worthwhile. (to the bird) Thank you.
	The music resumes and he tap-dances. The bird soon tries to dance behind him.
Bruce	Take it!
	The bird twists its head around.
Bruce	Are you all right?
	The bird un-twists its head.
Bruce	That was marvelous. Fantastic. I've never seen anything — (the bird whispers in his ear) — It is a female.
Bruce	My striped tie, And my best best tweed… Come on. Leave me alone. Get back.
	The bird follows him as he tries to get away.
Bruce	Goodness' sake. Great big gawky fool. Get back. Why don't you get — Get back. Get back there. Back! Get away.
	He tries to fend off the bird with a chair. A second bird appears behind him.
Bruce	Oh, no. Her sister. Mr. Hitchcock! Mr. Hitchcock! Get away, you great big gawky-looking thing. Get off!
Waldorf	Bravo.
Statler	Brilliant.
Waldorf	Oh, there aren't many performers who could hold a candle to Bruce Forsyth.
Statler	Course not. They'd burn him. Heh.
Waldorf	Statler, you must be the old fool there's no fool like.

Backstage

	Fozzie runs up to Kermit.
Fozzie	Hey. Kermit. Kermit. This time I have really got it. I have really mastered the art of handling hecklers.
Kermit	You think so, huh?
Fozzie	Yeah, I know so. I know so.
Kermit	OK, I tell you what, uh, you tell a joke and I will heckle you.
Fozzie	Great.
Kermit	But, Fozzie. I expect a great comeback.
Fozzie	Right. Ahem. Um … my cousin's so dumb, he thinks eggs Benedict is a mafia gangster.
Kermit	I've seen cheeseburgers funnier than that!
	Fozzie slaps him with a rubber chicken.
Fozzie	What do you think? Uh, too subtle?
Kermit	Will you get outta here?
	Fozzie scoots away.

At the Dance

	Couples dance in a ballroom.
Mildred	George?
George the Janitor	Yeah?
Mildred	Would you like to come to my place for dinner tomorrow night?
George the Janitor	Maybe. What are you fixing?
Mildred	Well, do you like duckling?
George the Janitor	I don't know. I never duckled.
	Janice dances with Zoot.
Janice	Do you know what happened in 1776?
Zoot	No, baby, but there's a great party in 1342.
	Miss Piggy dances with another pig.
Miss Piggy (RH)	I'm really into American history.
Pig	Oh?
Miss Piggy (RH)	Mm-hm. You know - Washington. Jefferson. Revere.
Pig	Oh, do you like Franklin?
Miss Piggy (RH)	Well, I don't know. I've never Frankled.
	A purple monster dances with a woman.
Purple monster	Do you mind if I light up?
Woman	Why, no.

UK Spot

	The Gogolala Jubilee Jugband sings "I'm My Own Grandpaw."

Talk Spot

Kermit	Well, Bruce, welcome to our show.
Bruce	Well, it's very nice to be here, Kermit. Although, of course, it is a little strange.
Kermit	Strange?
Bruce	Yeah, well, it isn't like any other show on television. I mean uh, I'll buy the fact that you're a frog who can talk.
Kermit	Well, there's nothing strange about that.
Bruce	And I'll even buy the chicken, uh, who shares my dressing room.
Kermit	But she's not for sale.
Bruce	I beg your pardon?
Kermit	The chicken's not for sale.
Bruce	Oh.
Kermit	I mean, I wouldn't mind selling her, but uh, her husband plays in the band.
Bruce	No, you misunderstand me. You see, uh, I don't actually want to buy a chicken.
Kermit	Oh, I see.
Bruce	Mind you, I wouldn't mind uh, leasing a duck.
Kermit	Well, uh — I can let you have a duck right here. I can uh, give you a good rental deal on this duck.
Duck	Quack.
Bruce	It's not a bad-looking duck.
Kermit	It's a great little duck. I mean, it was last owned by a little old lady who only used it as a decoy during the hunting season.
Bruce	Really? Hahaha! Well, how much to rent this duck for a month?
Kermit	Uh, for one month, this duck will cost you a pig and two rabbits.
Bruce	A pig and two rabbits?
Kermit	Yes.
Bruce	Well, hold on a minute, will you? Uh, yeah, one pig - there we are — (produces a pig) - and uh, I'm fresh out of rabbits.
Kermit	Oh.
Bruce	Uh, have you got change of a rat? (produces a rat)
Kermit	Oh, sure, I can let you have a woodpecker. (gives him one)
Bruce	Oh, good. That's fine. OK. One, well, that's a fair exchange.
Kermit	Is that a deal?
Bruce	(to the woodpecker) Mind the leg.
Kermit	Wonderful, uh, wonderful doing business with you.
Bruce	Lovely doing business with you as well.
Kermit	OK, let's go, guys. Come on, come on. (leads the animals away)
Bruce	Fine. Off you go. Fine. Fine. (to the audience) You see, it is strange here. Any other show on television charges at least two pigs a month for a good duck. I wish I had a good-looking bird.
Miss Piggy	Two pigs for one lousy duck? This is an outrage to all porkdom!
Bruce	Well, I was — Really, Miss Piggy, I was only joking. I wasn't having a go at you.
Miss Piggy	Yeah? Well, have a go at this. (karate-chops him) Hi-YAH!
Bruce	That was vicious. Come here, you. (grabs her by the snout and knocks her off) Monkey with me?
Miss Piggy	(karate-chops him again) Hi-YAH!
	They continue to fight as Statler and Waldorf watch.
Waldorf	That Miss Piggy takes umbrage at the slightest annoyance.
Statler	Oh, I usually take aspirin. Maybe I'll try some umbrage.

Backstage

	Fozzie reads from a piece of paper, then practices.
Fozzie	"Same to you …" Same to you and more of it.
Kermit	Uh, Fozzie?
Fozzie	Huh?
Kermit	I know you're worried about your act tonight.
Fozzie	Oh, boy. Whew! Am I. I really want to get the best of those two old hecklers, Kermit. (sigh)
Kermit	Well, I can guarantee you that Statler and Waldorf will not heckle you tonight.
Fozzie	But — but they always heckle me. Every show they heckle me. Why not tonight?
Kermit	Well, the show's running long and your act's been cut.
	Exit Kermit, enter Hilda.
Fozzie	Hilda, Hilda.
Hilda	Yes, Fozzie.
Fozzie	Don't move. Just stay right there.
Hilda	But why?
Fozzie	(sadly) So you can break my fall when I faint. (falls backwards without being caught) Aargh!
	Enter the duck.
Duck	Cute. Cute faint.
	Exit the duck. Hilda scowls.

Wayne and Wanda

	Main stage. Sam stands on the proscenium.
Sam the Eagle	Once again, it is my distinct pleasure to introduce to you those two solid citizens of song, Wayne and Wanda. Decent, decent people.
	The curtain opens on Wayne and Wanda in an outdoor patio setting. Music swells up.
Wayne	I think that I shall never see A poem lovely as a tree…
	Timber! A tree falls on Wayne. Wanda shrieks.

Backstage

Fozzie	Whew! Oh, Kermit. You've got to let me do my big act in the show. Please.
Kermit	Yeah, but listen, Fozzie. This is just one week.
Fozzie	Oh, b-b-but Kermit, in this type of show people expect a stand-up comic.
Kermit	Yes, and we got one.
Fozzie	Oh! Oh! Th-then I am going on after all. Oh! (cleans his face)
Kermit	No. Bruce Forsyth is.
	Exit Kermit. Audience: "Awww."
Fozzie	Hildaaaaaaa!
	He falls backward before she can catch him. Enter Hilda and Gonzo.
Gonzo	Cute. Cute fall.
	Exit Gonzo. Hilda looks down.

Fozzie and Bruce's comedy act

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	OK, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, tonight we thought we'd give Fozzie Bear a rest …
Statler	You're not giving him a rest, you're giving us a rest.
	He and Waldorf chuckle. Kermit scowls.
Kermit	Yeah. OK, uh, be that as it may, substituting for Fozzie tonight is our special guest star Mr. Bruce Forsyth.
	The curtain opens to Fonzie's fanfare. Bruce takes the stage.
Bruce	Thank you so much. Thank you. And may I say, you look a wonderful audience.
Waldorf	Don't be too sure. We haven't heard your jokes yet.
	They chuckle.
Bruce	Sir, you're old enough to have heard my jokes, Bob Hope's jokes and Milton Berle's. In fact, if you've heard Milton Berle's jokes, you've heard everybody's jokes.
Statler	Same old stuff. We want new blood!
Bruce	Yeah, well, you certainly look as though you could use some. Why don't you go to the blood bank and cash an artery?
Waldorf	Good. Good stuff.
Statler	Well, I've heard better.
Bruce	I'm sure you have, sir. In fact, at your age you're lucky you can hear at all. (laughs) Only kidding. Only kidding. You've probably got a great sense of humor. In fact, I know you have. I saw your wife outside.
Waldorf	(laughs)
Statler	Oh. Oh, he's burying me. He's burying me.
Bruce	All right. But you know, one thing I like about our two countries at the moment is we do have this cultural exchange going on. I mean, we send you lots of our drama shows like Upstairs, Downstairs, The Six Wives of Henry VIII, um, The Forsyth Saga - and by the way, I thought Eric Porter played my life brilliantly. Ha. I was going to play the part myself, but they said I wasn't the type. And uh, then of course you send us your drama shows like Columbo, Starsky and Hutch, Police Woman. They're not Shakespeare perhaps, but just as violent. Haha. By the way, thank you for Kojak. He's made such a big hit in our country. He's such a sportsman. Goes to Scotland, plays golf, and he's also a good tenpin bowler — got the head for it. But he gets very annoyed at the bowling alley 'cause people keep sticking their fingers up his nose. (laughs) Got to be a split. Anyway, don't let's talk about him. Let's get back to me. Ladies and gentlemen —
Fozzie	Excuse me, uh, Mr. Forsyth.
Bruce	Oh, please, please call me Bruce.
Fozzie	Oh!
Bruce	Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Fozzie Bear. Hey hey!
Waldorf	Yeah, thank heavens there's only one.
	They chuckle.
Fozzie	Aw. See — see those guys up there? The minute I come out, they start up.
Bruce	Don't worry. Don't worry.
Fozzie	They do. They do.
Bruce	Do you see the box they're in?
Fozzie	Yeah.
Bruce	I may decide to bury them together.
Waldorf	(laughs)
Fozzie	Oh! Oh, that's — boy, see how he handles them? See? I was, I was watching in the wings over there.
Statler	Yeah, well, why don't you flap them and fly outta here? (they chuckle)
Fozzie	Ho, ho!
Bruce	Look, you can handle those two.
Fozzie	Well …
Bruce	You can do it. All you need, all you need is a bit of pacing, a bit of timing.
Fozzie	Yeah?
Bruce	The right retort. The right line.
Fozzie	Oh?
Statler	Oh, he couldn't throw a line to a drowning man.
	They chuckle.
Fozzie	Uh … Uh …
Bruce	Go on.
Fozzie	OK, uh … do you mind? We work alone. That is, uh, unless we work together. How's that?
Bruce	A little soft, Fozzie.
Fozzie	Awww.
Bruce	(points to his own neck) Go for the jugular vein, there. Go right in.
Fozzie	Right there? OK.
Bruce	Go on, yeah.
Fozzie	Uh, Uh — Oh! Oh! Uh, hey, is that a suit you're wearing? It's a nice one, yeah, but won't your wife notice the hole in the living-room rug? (rimshot)
Bruce	That's good. Now you're rolling. Go in for the kill. Go in for the kill.
Fozzie	Hey, that's some nose you got there, buster. Why don't you rent yourself out as an anteater? (rimshot)
Bruce	I like it.
Fozzie	Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Bruce	Quit while you're ahead. Quit while you're ahead.
Fozzie	You call that a head? I've seen better heads on cabbages. (rimshot)
Bruce	(concerned) You don't want to lose your audience.
Fozzie	You — you call that an audience? It looks more like an oil painting. (rimshot) Aah!
Bruce	You've got 'em! Believe me, you've got 'em!
Fozzie	Got 'em? Who wants 'em? Who wants 'em?
	Statler and Waldorf wave a white flag.
Statler	No, no! Enough, enough!
Waldorf	We surrender! We surrender!
Statler	No more, no more!
Bruce	You did it, Fozzie!
Fozzie	(overjoyed) Ah! I did! Bruce, I did it. Oh, I did it! I did! Oh! Oh! Oh! Bruce, this is the happiest moment of my life! Oh, just, just learning from a pro like you. Working side by side with one of the greats.
	Music swells up.
Bruce	You even learned how to cue the big musical finish to the comedy spot. You did.
Fozzie	Yeah?
Bruce	Yeah.
Fozzie	All right.
Bruce	(sings) Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money.
Fozzie	(sings) Maybe we're ragged and … funny!
Fozzie and Bruce	But we travel along, singing a song …
Fozzie	Thank you, Mr. Forsyth.
Bruce	It's my pleasure, Mr. Bear.
Fozzie	Hey!
Fozzie and Bruce	We travel along, singing a song, Side … by … side!
	Fozzie wiggles his ears as Bruce waves his hands.
Bruce	I like the ears. Keep the ears going. They love it. Listen to that.
	The curtain closes. Fozzie re-emerges, while Bruce tries to restrain him.
Fozzie	Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Veterinarian's Hospital

Announcer	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of an orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
	Piggy drinks from a wine glass, notices she's on camera, and quickly rushes to the operating table, which has the duck as the patient. Rowlf files his nails with a surgery tool.
Janice	Well, Dr. Bob, here's your next patient.
Rowlf	Oh. (tosses away the tool) Well, what have we here? Another sick chicken?
Duck	I'm not a chicken. I'm a duck.
Janice	Shall we prepare for surgery on the chicken?
Duck	Duck!
	The three of them shriek, then duck under the table. After a beat, they get up.
Miss Piggy	What was that?
Rowlf	I don't know.
Janice	Somebody yelled "Duck."
Rowlf	Well, let's get back to the chicken.
Duck	Duck!
	The three of them shriek, then duck under the table. After a beat, they get up.
Rowlf	I don't understand what's going on around here.
	Piggy notices the dangling lamp above Rowlf's head.
Miss Piggy	(gasp) Duck!
	She and Janice duck under the table.
Rowlf	Oh, no. I'm not gonna fall for another one of — OW!
	BONG! The lamp lands on Rowlf's head. Janice and Piggy get up and take the lamp off his head.
Announcer	So Dr. Bob has received a serious blow. Tune in next week, when you will hear Dr. Bob say to his patient …
Rowlf	Well, what kind of doctor do you think I am?
Duck	Quack.
Rowlf	I should know better than to ask a chicken.
Duck	Duck!
	The three of them shriek, then duck under the table. The duck laughs.

"Let There Be Love"

	Bruce plays the piano. Piggy sits by the side of the piano.
Bruce	Let there be you.
Miss Piggy	Let there be me.
Bruce	Let there be oysters … under the sea. Let there be wind …
Miss Piggy	…and occasional rain.
Bruce	Chili con carne …
Miss Piggy	Sparkling champagne. Let there be birds …
Bruce	Small ones, huh?
Miss Piggy	Yes. That sing in the trees.
Bruce	I don't want that big one back.
Miss Piggy	Someone to bless me … Whenever I sneeze — Ahchoo!
Bruce	Bless you, Piggy. Let there be cuckoos, A lark and a dove … But most of all, please… Let there be love.
Miss Piggy	Come in, boys.
	Enter a chorus of pig backup singers.
Bruce	Let there be cuckoos, A lark and a dove … But most of all, please…
Bruce & Piggy	Let there be love.
Pig chorus	Love, love.
Bruce & Piggy	Let there be love.
Pig chorus	Love, love.
Bruce	Let there be … love.
Miss Piggy	(scatting) Yes, Brucie! Let there be love! Love between Bruce and the pig! Love, love, love oh, yes, oh, love, love …
Bruce	Yeah. (gives an uneasy glance)

Goodnights

Kermit	Well, that's about all the time we have. We'd like to have a special thanks to our special guest star, Mr. Bruce Forsyth! Yaaay!
Bruce	Thank you, thank you. May I say it's been a pleasure to be on this television show. And, Kermit, you're a wonderful MC.
Fozzie	Yeah, but he's an MC squared. (rimshot) Aaaah! He's so dumb, he thinks Veronica Lake is a body of water. (rimshot) Aaaah! (wiggles his ears)
Bruce	Please, Fozzie, a little humility.
Kermit	Yeah, if you want to be working next week.
Fozzie	Oh, in that case — (grovels) — Oh, please forgive me, Frog, please!
Kermit	Bruce, you taught him well. Hey, we'll see you all next week on The Muppet Show!
Bruce	(waves his arms like Kermit) The Muppet Show! Hey!
	The cast gathers around him as the credits roll.
Statler	This show brought a tear to my eye.
Waldorf	Really?
Statler	Yeah. I'm sitting on a tack.
	Waldorf chuckles.
	THE END