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Episode 113: Bruce Forsyth/transcript

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Theme

Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Bruce Forsyth!
The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!

Male chorus

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!

The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie Hey, question. If a man born in Poland is a Pole, is a man born in Holland a Hole? Think about it.
The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit

To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Mr. Bruce Forsyth!

Bruce grins as Muppets surround him.
Kermit But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang

On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!

102-1
Gonzo hits the O, and it shatters.


Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Hello, hello, hello. And if I sound a little British tonight, it's because our special guest star is one of England's truly great performers, Mr. Bruce Forsyth. He sings, dances, plays the piano, tells jokes — in fact he's a one-man variety show, and we're really pleased he's with us. But right now, let's kick things off with a new musical group we call the Snerfs. The Snerfs? (shrugs)
113 snerfs
The Snerfs dance to "In a Little Spanish Town".
Waldorf Well, now I've seen everything.
Statler Good! Can we leave?

Backstage

The Snerfs pass by Kermit.
Kermit OK. Nice number, nice number, Snerfs. Way to go.
Enter a duck.
Duck Oh, Kermit.
Kermit Yeah?
113 duck
Duck I finally got the punchline down for the act tonight. Want to hear it?
Kermit OK.
Duck Good. "Quack!"
Kermit Uh Fine, fine. But uh, keep working on it, OK?
Duck Oh, sure, toad. Thanks a lot. You know, put me down like everybody else. (waddles away) Yeah, that's right. Put me down.
Kermit Bitter duck.
Enter Fozzie.
Fozzie Oh, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, I am really gonna get 'em tonight.
Kermit Get who?
Fozzie Hm? Oh, Statler and Waldorf. You know, those two old guys who sit in the box and heckle me every night.
Kermit Mm-hm.
Fozzie Well, tonight I am ready for 'em. Ha ha. Yeah. I can handle any insult. Any of 'em. Hey, hey. Let's try it, OK? Let's see, uh, you be the audience, and I'll tell a joke, and then you insult me and then just watch my razor-sharp wit at work. OK, you ready, huh? Huh?
Kermit Uh, no.
Fozzie Good. OK. Here we go. I wouldn't say my wife can't cook, but last night she burned the water.
Kermit Boo! Boo! That's terrible. Terrible. Get off the stage! You are the worst!
113 fozzie begs
Fozzie (removes his hat and grovels) Oh, please don't heckle me.
Kermit Uh, Fozzie, is this an example of your razor-like wit?
Fozzie Could still use a little sharpening, huh?
Kermit shrugs and goes onstage.

"All I Need Is the Girl"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit When it comes to song-and-dance men, it's pretty hard to top our special guest. So let's give a warm Muppet Show welcome to Mr. Bruce Forsyth.
The curtain opens on Bruce against a dark backdrop with a neon gazebo. Music plays as he struts.
Bruce

Got my tweed pressed.
Got my best vest.
All I need now is the girl.

A Gawky bird appears behind him.
Bruce

Got my striped tie.
Got my hopes high.
Got the time and the place and I got rhythm.
All I need's the girl to go with 'em.
If she'll
Just appear, we'll
Take this big bird — ?

The music stops as he notices the bird.
113 gawky
Bruce I must stop taking those pills. (rubs his forehead) It'll go away in a minute. (glances at the bird) Whatever it is, it's a real one. (giggles) I hope it's not a female. (laughs, faces the bird and stammers) Yes, I—I didn't see you there. I'm sorry, heheh, I'm doing my song-and-dance number. Would you mind waiting over there, please? Over there. In the corner. Over here. Let me show you.
He drags the bird by the beak. The bird quivers.
Bruce Let me show you. That's fine. That's it. OK. Trust me, trust me. I'll be gentle with you. No, bring the feet. Bring the feet. I think the tail will follow. Bring the feet. That's it. Good. Left, right. Right, left. That's it. Good. That's fine. Now, could we just sort of twist you round now? As you go, that's it. Now, back off, will you? Back off. Left hand down a bit. Left hand. As you were. Off you go. Off you go, then. There you go. That's fine. You see, I'm just going to do my song-and-dance number. It's the only thing I've got in the whole show. (glances at the audience) Worthwhile. (to the bird) Thank you.
The music resumes and he tap-dances. The bird soon tries to dance behind him.
Bruce Take it!
The bird twists its head around.
Bruce Are you all right?
The bird un-twists its head.
Bruce That was marvelous. Fantastic. I've never seen anything — (the bird whispers in his ear) — It is a female.
Bruce My striped tie,

And my best best tweed… Come on. Leave me alone. Get back.

The bird follows him as he tries to get away.
Bruce Goodness' sake. Great big gawky fool. Get back. Why don't you get — Get back. Get back there. Back! Get away.
He tries to fend off the bird with a chair. A second bird appears behind him.
Bruce Oh, no. Her sister. Mr. Hitchcock! Mr. Hitchcock! Get away, you great big gawky-looking thing. Get off!
Waldorf Bravo.
Statler Brilliant.
Waldorf Oh, there aren't many performers who could hold a candle to Bruce Forsyth.
Statler Course not. They'd burn him. Heh.
Waldorf Statler, you must be the old fool there's no fool like.

Backstage

Fozzie runs up to Kermit.
Fozzie Hey. Kermit. Kermit. This time I have really got it. I have really mastered the art of handling hecklers.
Kermit You think so, huh?
Fozzie Yeah, I know so. I know so.
Kermit OK, I tell you what, uh, you tell a joke and I will heckle you.
Fozzie Great.
Kermit But, Fozzie. I expect a great comeback.
Fozzie Right. Ahem. Um … my cousin's so dumb, he thinks eggs Benedict is a mafia gangster.
Kermit I've seen cheeseburgers funnier than that!
Fozzie slaps him with a rubber chicken.
113 subtle response
Fozzie What do you think? Uh, too subtle?
Kermit Will you get outta here?
Fozzie scoots away.

At the Dance

Couples dance in a ballroom.
Mildred George?
George the Janitor Yeah?
Mildred Would you like to come to my place for dinner tomorrow night?
George the Janitor Maybe. What are you fixing?
Mildred Well, do you like duckling?
George the Janitor I don't know. I never duckled.
Janice dances with Zoot.
Janice Do you know what happened in 1776?
Zoot No, baby, but there's a great party in 1342.
Miss Piggy dances with another pig.
Miss Piggy (RH) I'm really into American history.
Pig Oh?
Miss Piggy (RH) Mm-hm. You know - Washington. Jefferson. Revere.
Pig Oh, do you like Franklin?
Miss Piggy (RH) Well, I don't know. I've never Frankled.
A purple monster dances with a woman.
Purple monster Do you mind if I light up?
Woman Why, no.
113 dance

UK Spot

Immyowngrandpa
The Gogolala Jubilee Jugband sings "I'm My Own Grandpaw."

Talk Spot

Kermit Well, Bruce, welcome to our show.
Bruce Well, it's very nice to be here, Kermit. Although, of course, it is a little strange.
Kermit Strange?
Bruce Yeah, well, it isn't like any other show on television. I mean uh, I'll buy the fact that you're a frog who can talk.
Kermit Well, there's nothing strange about that.
Bruce And I'll even buy the chicken, uh, who shares my dressing room.
Kermit But she's not for sale.
Bruce I beg your pardon?
Kermit The chicken's not for sale.
Bruce Oh.
Kermit I mean, I wouldn't mind selling her, but uh, her husband plays in the band.
Bruce No, you misunderstand me. You see, uh, I don't actually want to buy a chicken.
Kermit Oh, I see.
Bruce Mind you, I wouldn't mind uh, leasing a duck.
Kermit Well, uh — I can let you have a duck right here. I can uh, give you a good rental deal on this duck.
Duck Quack.
Bruce It's not a bad-looking duck.
Kermit It's a great little duck. I mean, it was last owned by a little old lady who only used it as a decoy during the hunting season.
Bruce Really? Hahaha! Well, how much to rent this duck for a month?
Kermit Uh, for one month, this duck will cost you a pig and two rabbits.
Bruce A pig and two rabbits?
Kermit Yes.
Bruce Well, hold on a minute, will you? Uh, yeah, one pig - there we are — (produces a pig) - and uh, I'm fresh out of rabbits.
Kermit Oh.
Bruce Uh, have you got change of a rat? (produces a rat)
113 talk spot
Kermit Oh, sure, I can let you have a woodpecker. (gives him one)
Bruce Oh, good. That's fine. OK. One, well, that's a fair exchange.
Kermit Is that a deal?
Bruce (to the woodpecker) Mind the leg.
Kermit Wonderful, uh, wonderful doing business with you.
Bruce Lovely doing business with you as well.
Kermit OK, let's go, guys. Come on, come on. (leads the animals away)
Bruce Fine. Off you go. Fine. Fine. (to the audience) You see, it is strange here. Any other show on television charges at least two pigs a month for a good duck. I wish I had a good-looking bird.
Miss Piggy Two pigs for one lousy duck? This is an outrage to all porkdom!
Bruce Well, I was — Really, Miss Piggy, I was only joking. I wasn't having a go at you.
Miss Piggy Yeah? Well, have a go at this. (karate-chops him) Hi-YAH!
Bruce That was vicious. Come here, you. (grabs her by the snout and knocks her off) Monkey with me?
Miss Piggy (karate-chops him again) Hi-YAH!
They continue to fight as Statler and Waldorf watch.
Waldorf That Miss Piggy takes umbrage at the slightest annoyance.
Statler Oh, I usually take aspirin. Maybe I'll try some umbrage.

Backstage

Fozzie reads from a piece of paper, then practices.
Fozzie "Same to you …" Same to you and more of it.
Kermit Uh, Fozzie?
Fozzie Huh?
Kermit I know you're worried about your act tonight.
Fozzie Oh, boy. Whew! Am I. I really want to get the best of those two old hecklers, Kermit. (sigh)
Kermit Well, I can guarantee you that Statler and Waldorf will not heckle you tonight.
113 fozzie kermit
Fozzie But — but they always heckle me. Every show they heckle me. Why not tonight?
Kermit Well, the show's running long and your act's been cut.
Exit Kermit, enter Hilda.
Fozzie Hilda, Hilda.
Hilda Yes, Fozzie.
Fozzie Don't move. Just stay right there.
Hilda But why?
Fozzie (sadly) So you can break my fall when I faint. (falls backwards without being caught) Aargh!
Enter the duck.
Duck Cute. Cute faint.
Exit the duck. Hilda scowls.

Wayne and Wanda

Main stage. Sam stands on the proscenium.
Sam the Eagle Once again, it is my distinct pleasure to introduce to you those two solid citizens of song, Wayne and Wanda. Decent, decent people.
The curtain opens on Wayne and Wanda in an outdoor patio setting. Music swells up.
Wayne

I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree…

113 trees
Timber! A tree falls on Wayne. Wanda shrieks.

Backstage

Fozzie Whew! Oh, Kermit. You've got to let me do my big act in the show. Please.
Kermit Yeah, but listen, Fozzie. This is just one week.
Fozzie Oh, b-b-but Kermit, in this type of show people expect a stand-up comic.
Kermit Yes, and we got one.
Fozzie Oh! Oh! Th-then I am going on after all. Oh! (cleans his face)
113 fozzie kermit 2
Kermit No. Bruce Forsyth is.
Exit Kermit. Audience: "Awww."
Fozzie Hildaaaaaaa!
He falls backward before she can catch him. Enter Hilda and Gonzo.
Gonzo Cute. Cute fall.
Exit Gonzo. Hilda looks down.

Fozzie and Bruce's comedy act

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit OK, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, tonight we thought we'd give Fozzie Bear a rest …
Statler You're not giving him a rest, you're giving us a rest.
He and Waldorf chuckle. Kermit scowls.
Kermit Yeah. OK, uh, be that as it may, substituting for Fozzie tonight is our special guest star Mr. Bruce Forsyth.
The curtain opens to Fonzie's fanfare. Bruce takes the stage.
Bruce Thank you so much. Thank you. And may I say, you look a wonderful audience.
Waldorf Don't be too sure. We haven't heard your jokes yet.
They chuckle.
Bruce Sir, you're old enough to have heard my jokes, Bob Hope's jokes and Milton Berle's. In fact, if you've heard Milton Berle's jokes, you've heard everybody's jokes.
Statler Same old stuff. We want new blood!
Bruce Yeah, well, you certainly look as though you could use some. Why don't you go to the blood bank and cash an artery?
Waldorf Good. Good stuff.
Statler Well, I've heard better.
Bruce I'm sure you have, sir. In fact, at your age you're lucky you can hear at all. (laughs) Only kidding. Only kidding. You've probably got a great sense of humor. In fact, I know you have. I saw your wife outside.
Waldorf (laughs)
Statler Oh. Oh, he's burying me. He's burying me.
Bruce All right. But you know, one thing I like about our two countries at the moment is we do have this cultural exchange going on. I mean, we send you lots of our drama shows like Upstairs, Downstairs, The Six Wives of Henry VIII, um, The Forsyth Saga - and by the way, I thought Eric Porter played my life brilliantly. Ha. I was going to play the part myself, but they said I wasn't the type. And uh, then of course you send us your drama shows like Columbo, Starsky and Hutch, Police Woman. They're not Shakespeare perhaps, but just as violent. Haha. By the way, thank you for Kojak. He's made such a big hit in our country. He's such a sportsman. Goes to Scotland, plays golf, and he's also a good tenpin bowler — got the head for it. But he gets very annoyed at the bowling alley 'cause people keep sticking their fingers up his nose. (laughs) Got to be a split. Anyway, don't let's talk about him. Let's get back to me. Ladies and gentlemen —
Fozzie Excuse me, uh, Mr. Forsyth.
Bruce Oh, please, please call me Bruce.
Fozzie Oh!
Bruce Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Fozzie Bear. Hey hey!
Waldorf Yeah, thank heavens there's only one.
They chuckle.
Fozzie Aw. See — see those guys up there? The minute I come out, they start up.
Bruce Don't worry. Don't worry.
Fozzie They do. They do.
Bruce Do you see the box they're in?
Fozzie Yeah.
Bruce I may decide to bury them together.
Waldorf (laughs)
Fozzie Oh! Oh, that's — boy, see how he handles them? See? I was, I was watching in the wings over there.
Statler Yeah, well, why don't you flap them and fly outta here? (they chuckle)
Fozzie Ho, ho!
Bruce Look, you can handle those two.
Fozzie Well …
Bruce You can do it. All you need, all you need is a bit of pacing, a bit of timing.
Fozzie Yeah?
Bruce The right retort. The right line.
Fozzie Oh?
Statler Oh, he couldn't throw a line to a drowning man.
They chuckle.
Fozzie Uh … Uh …
Bruce Go on.
Fozzie OK, uh … do you mind? We work alone. That is, uh, unless we work together. How's that?
Bruce A little soft, Fozzie.
Fozzie Awww.
Bruce (points to his own neck) Go for the jugular vein, there. Go right in.
Fozzie Right there? OK.
Bruce Go on, yeah.
113 handling hecklers
Fozzie Uh, Uh — Oh! Oh! Uh, hey, is that a suit you're wearing? It's a nice one, yeah, but won't your wife notice the hole in the living-room rug? (rimshot)
Bruce That's good. Now you're rolling. Go in for the kill. Go in for the kill.
Fozzie Hey, that's some nose you got there, buster. Why don't you rent yourself out as an anteater? (rimshot)
Bruce I like it.
Fozzie Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Bruce Quit while you're ahead. Quit while you're ahead.
Fozzie You call that a head? I've seen better heads on cabbages. (rimshot)
Bruce (concerned) You don't want to lose your audience.
Fozzie You — you call that an audience? It looks more like an oil painting. (rimshot) Aah!
Bruce You've got 'em! Believe me, you've got 'em!
Fozzie Got 'em? Who wants 'em? Who wants 'em?
Statler and Waldorf wave a white flag.
Statler No, no! Enough, enough!
Waldorf We surrender! We surrender!
Statler No more, no more!
Bruce You did it, Fozzie!
Fozzie (overjoyed) Ah! I did! Bruce, I did it. Oh, I did it! I did! Oh! Oh! Oh! Bruce, this is the happiest moment of my life! Oh, just, just learning from a pro like you. Working side by side with one of the greats.
Music swells up.
Bruce You even learned how to cue the big musical finish to the comedy spot. You did.
Fozzie Yeah?
Bruce Yeah.
Fozzie All right.
Bruce (sings) Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money.
Fozzie (sings) Maybe we're ragged and … funny!
Fozzie and Bruce But we travel along, singing a song …
Fozzie Thank you, Mr. Forsyth.
Bruce It's my pleasure, Mr. Bear.
Fozzie Hey!
113 side by side
Fozzie and Bruce

We travel along, singing a song,
Side … by … side!

Fozzie wiggles his ears as Bruce waves his hands.
Bruce I like the ears. Keep the ears going. They love it. Listen to that.
The curtain closes. Fozzie re-emerges, while Bruce tries to restrain him.
Fozzie Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Veterinarian's Hospital

Announcer And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of an orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
Piggy drinks from a wine glass, notices she's on camera, and quickly rushes to the operating table, which has the duck as the patient. Rowlf files his nails with a surgery tool.
Janice Well, Dr. Bob, here's your next patient.
Rowlf Oh. (tosses away the tool) Well, what have we here? Another sick chicken?
Duck I'm not a chicken. I'm a duck.
Janice Shall we prepare for surgery on the chicken?
Duck Duck!
The three of them shriek, then duck under the table. After a beat, they get up.
Miss Piggy What was that?
Rowlf I don't know.
Janice Somebody yelled "Duck."
Rowlf Well, let's get back to the chicken.
Duck Duck!
The three of them shriek, then duck under the table. After a beat, they get up.
Rowlf I don't understand what's going on around here.
Piggy notices the dangling lamp above Rowlf's head.
Miss Piggy (gasp) Duck!
She and Janice duck under the table.
Rowlf Oh, no. I'm not gonna fall for another one of — OW!
BONG! The lamp lands on Rowlf's head. Janice and Piggy get up and take the lamp off his head.
113 vets hospital
Announcer So Dr. Bob has received a serious blow. Tune in next week, when you will hear Dr. Bob say to his patient …
Rowlf Well, what kind of doctor do you think I am?
Duck Quack.
Rowlf I should know better than to ask a chicken.
Duck Duck!
The three of them shriek, then duck under the table. The duck laughs.

"Let There Be Love"

Bruce plays the piano. Piggy sits by the side of the piano.
Bruce Let there be you.
Miss Piggy Let there be me.
Bruce

Let there be oysters … under the sea.
Let there be wind …

113 bruce piggy
Miss Piggy …and occasional rain.
Bruce Chili con carne …
Miss Piggy

Sparkling champagne.
Let there be birds …

Bruce Small ones, huh?
Miss Piggy Yes. That sing in the trees.
Bruce I don't want that big one back.
Miss Piggy

Someone to bless me …
Whenever I sneeze — Ahchoo!

Bruce

Bless you, Piggy.
Let there be cuckoos,
A lark and a dove …
But most of all, please…
Let there be love.

Miss Piggy Come in, boys.
Enter a chorus of pig backup singers.
Bruce

Let there be cuckoos,
A lark and a dove …
But most of all, please…

Bruce & Piggy Let there be love.
Pig chorus Love, love.
Bruce & Piggy Let there be love.
Pig chorus Love, love.
Bruce Let there be … love.
Miss Piggy (scatting) Yes, Brucie! Let there be love! Love between Bruce and the pig! Love, love, love oh, yes, oh, love, love …
Bruce Yeah. (gives an uneasy glance)

Goodnights

Kermit Well, that's about all the time we have. We'd like to have a special thanks to our special guest star, Mr. Bruce Forsyth! Yaaay!
Bruce Thank you, thank you. May I say it's been a pleasure to be on this television show. And, Kermit, you're a wonderful MC.
Fozzie Yeah, but he's an MC squared. (rimshot) Aaaah! He's so dumb, he thinks Veronica Lake is a body of water. (rimshot) Aaaah! (wiggles his ears)
113 closing
Bruce Please, Fozzie, a little humility.
Kermit Yeah, if you want to be working next week.
Fozzie Oh, in that case — (grovels) — Oh, please forgive me, Frog, please!
Kermit Bruce, you taught him well. Hey, we'll see you all next week on The Muppet Show!
Bruce (waves his arms like Kermit) The Muppet Show! Hey!
The cast gathers around him as the credits roll.
Statler This show brought a tear to my eye.
Waldorf Really?
Statler Yeah. I'm sitting on a tack.
Waldorf chuckles.
ATV
THE END

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