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Episode 112: Peter Ustinov/transcript

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It's The Muppet Show, with our

special guest star, Mr, Peter Ustinov,

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey, the little problems

in life drive me crazy,

Like, what do you

send to a sick florist?

Huh? Huh?

To introduce our guest star

That's what I'm here to do

So it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

Mr, Peter Ustinov,

But now let's get things started

on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

This is what we call

The Muppet Show

Thank you, thank you,

And hello, dear friends,

and welcome to this potpourri of mirth

and madness we call The Muppet Show.

Hey, we're especially

excited around here tonight

because our guest star

is Mr, Peter Ustinov,

He is a man for all seasons,

an actor, a director, a writer,

plus being a great raconteur,

That's that's French

for "tennis player,"

I think,

Anyway, we're also

fortunate in having with us

an offshoot of the world

famous Boston Pops Orchestra,

just the wind section, but I think

it's gonna be a thrill for us all

so let's open the show

with an evening at the Pops,

Mm, Well, they say, "Music hath

charm to soothe a savage beast,"


Such is not the case here, however,

Get him, Get him,

OK, OK, Good bit, Good bit,

Good ending, Sorry about the head,

Oh, Kermit,

Oh, my heart, It's going

pitter-patter, pitter-patter,

Yeah, well, maybe you've

had too much coffee,


It's going pitter-patter over the

man I've admired and loved for years,

And now, to be this close to him

- Uh, Piggy, I've told you,

I don't have any time in my life for

any emotionaI involvement right now,


I'm talking about Peter Ustinov,

Oh, Well, Oh,

He is a Renaissance man,


Well, I am a leg man,

Oops, It's time now to

introduce your new heartthrob,


- Yeah,

Jealousy, thy name is frog!

OK, Right now, friends, I'd

like you to meet our guest star,

the one and only Mr, Peter Ustinov,

Well, Kermit, you know, it's a

pleasure for me to be with you tonight,

It's my first experience

in performing with, uh

performers other than

people, if you follow me,

Oh, Oh, yeah, well, it takes

some getting used to, I guess,

but we've worked with humans

before so just relax, take it easy

and don't sit on any of

your fellow performers,

I'll try not to, but I was going to sit

down on my dressing-room chair, you know,

and it walked away,

Oh, well, that was a Muppet, See, that

chair is married to the show's writer,

Who's the writer?

- The hatrack,

This show was written by a hatrack?

- Mm,

Oh, well, uh

That's most extraordinary,

- Well, you see, anything can be a Muppet,

In fact, in this next sketch,

you are going to be a Muppet,

I'm going to be

a Muppet? - Mm-hm,

Trust me, Just stand by for a big

show-biz-style introduction, OK?

Oh, delightfuI,

A hatrack,

- Mm-hm,


Ladies and gentlemen,

you are about to witness

one of the wonders of modern science

as envisioned by the

incredible Mr, Peter Ustinov,

We take you now to Muppet Labs,

Hello, I'm Doctor Bunsen

Honeydew, and here at Muppet Labs

we think we have finally made

a major scientific breakthrough

in the field of

internationaI statesmanship,

So, it is with incalculable pride

that I give you the

new robot politician,

Yes, this electronic politician will

end corruption in government forever,

And, furthermore, it is

absolutely internationaI,

For instance, the robot politician would

make an excellent British prime minister,



the skies are dark

and the road ahead is steep,

yet with perseverance,

we can, nay,

we shall prevaiI,



- Uh Thank you,

And on the other hand, with equaI

ease, he could be an American president,


I tell you, my friends,

this is the greatest

country in the world,

Stands ready to forge ahead,

bring peace to the world,

affluence to all nations,

Yes, well, enough of that,

How about a Russian premier?

The Russian people

will not rub the SALT agreement

into the wounds,

Well, that's good,


Come on,


People's Republic of China

objects to the running-dog

tone of this most

The Middle East

bloc must stand firm in the belief

La France eternelle,

plus grande que

Italiano Non posso piu, che

Das deutsche Volk muss

unter allen Umstanden

This means war!

Well, back to the drawing board,

Mr, Ustinov?

A masterfuI performance,

- Mm,

Reminiscent of the

late Rudolph Besser,

Rudolph Besser is dead?

No, he's late, He was

supposed to be here at

Statler, you always get me

with that same dumb joke,

Well, maybe it's not the joke

that's dumb, if you catch my drift?


Oh, where is he? Where

is that tower of talent?

Fozzie, are you looking for me?

- No, I'm looking for Peter Ustinov,

Oh, Well, after that last sketch

he ended up in the dressing room,

where he's going over his lines,

- Oh,

The actor prepares,

- Yep,

Oh, Oh, I tell you, Kermit,

appearing in a sketch with Peter

Ustinov is the highlight of my career,

I thought you said last week

that appearing with me in a sketch

was the highlight of your career,

I was wrong,

How can you compare

yourself to him?


Easy, He puts on his pants

just like me, one leg at a time,

You don't wear any pants,

- Uh

OK, There you are, let's see him

get away with that on television,

Say, did you ever fall in

love with a guy at first sight?


But it always took a while,

You know, just once, I'd like

to stand next to Queen Elizabeth,

I'd rather sit in with Count Basie,

I find that most people don't

believe what other people tell them,


I don't think that's true,

Hey, you wanna stop by the punch bowI?

Why do they call it a punch bowI?

That's why,

And now,

in my never-ending struggle

to uplift these proceedings,

here are two distinguished professors,

Doctors Arnold Nood and Frederick Nik,

to discuss post-Dickensian economics,

OK, OK, OK, Tell them the story,

Yeah, sure, Give me a break, will you?

- Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah,

OK, I'll give you a break,

To best explain



- Whatever,

economics, let me

tell you a little story,

Yeah, tell them the story,

- I'm trying,

I am trying to tell them the story,


Once upon a time there

was a man named Benny,

What else?

- What else?

Who was visited by

his fairy godmother,

Fairy godmother,

- Fairy godmother,


Now, Benny's fairy godmother

promised him that he would live

forever under one condition, see?

That he never never shave again,

- Never shave,

Isn't that some condition?

- Ah,

Now, Benny never shaved after that,

And you know what?

- What? What? What?

He lived to be 1 75 years old,


Now, one day Benny met a beautifuI girI,

- Oh,

It happens to anyone,

- Yeah,

And he fell in what?

- Love?

Yeah, He's very bright,

- Love,

Ain't it wonderfuI?

- Oh!

And the beautifuI girI asked

Benny to shave his beard off,

And when the fairy godmother heard

- Oh, yeah, yeah?

- that Benny had shaved

- Yeah, yeah, yeah?

- why, she got that mad

- Mad,

she turned

- she turned Benny into a Grecian urn,

- Yeah, Yeah,

And that only goes to prove

the economic theory

A Benny shaved

is a Benny urned,

I love it!

It's lonely out tonight

And the feeling just got right

For a brand new love song



OK, everybody,

Hey, won't you play

Another somebody-done-

somebody-wrong song

And make me feeI at home

While I miss my baby

While I miss my baby

So play, play for me

A sad melody

So sad that it makes everybody cry

A reaI hurting song

About a love that's gone wrong

Because I don't

want to cry all alone

Hey, won't you play

Another somebody-done-

somebody-wrong song

And make me feeI at home

While I miss my baby

While I miss my baby

Up a key!

Hey, won't you play

Another somebody-done-

somebody-wrong song

And make me feeI at home

While I miss my baby

While I miss my baby

Oh, I miss Kermit so, Oh!

Oh, Kermit, that Peter

Ustinov is wonderfuI,

Yeah, He is quite a

talented fellow, isn't he?

So appreciative, so observant,

The frog observes,

The frog appreciates,

I had just gone in to give him his

costume and he looked at me, and he said:

"Hilda, you have the

most exquisite hemstitch,"

Is that so?

Imagine a big star like that

noticing an old costume lady like me,

Now, Hilda, you know,

I have many times noted that your

craftsmanship as a seamstress is superb,

It is, in fact, flawless,

and you are a wonder,

So? What does a frog know?

Somehow I feeI my

charisma's slipping away,

You do something to me

Something that simply mystifies me

Tell me why should it be

You have the power to hypnotize me?

Let me live 'neath your spell

Do do that voodoo

that you do so well

For you do something to me

That nobody else could

Nobody else could

Nobody else could

Nobody else could

Oh, finally, I thought you'd

never get me back to myself again,

Nobody else could do

Here's a Muppet news flash,

Copenhagen, Denmark,

Dr, Felix Oglebomb says that after

30 years concentrated research

he has discovered the

cure for the common cold,

Our Muppet cameras are on the scene

and we'll speak with Dr, Oglebomb

about this great medicaI

breakthrough, Dr, Oglebomb,

Yeah, Yeah, I am

Felix Oglebomb in Copenhagen, Denmark,

Yes, Dr, Oglebomb, Can you

tell us about this cure?

Yeah, of course, It was right under

our noses, do you believe that?

I'm so excited,

First, you stay away from sick

people, That's very important,

Then you wrap your head in a

number-ten-sized brown paper bag

and you pour honey over yourself

and you hold your breath

for about an hour or so, eh?

And this will cure the common cold?


And then again

Yes, well, thank you

very much, Dr, Oglebomb,

Remember, friends,

whenever big news breaks,

you certainly won't hear it here,


Once again it's inspiration time,

And, goodness knows, we need some,

So here they are, Wayne and Wanda,

The falling leaves

Drift by the

Friends, once again it's time to raise

the intellectuaI leveI of our program

as our paneI discusses a topic of concern to thinking people everywhere

- psychiatry,

And tonight's paneI

includes our own Miss Piggy,

Kissy kissy,

Cynthia Birdley,

- Enchantee.

And our own special guest is Dr, Kurt Von

Frong who is a practicing psychiatrist,

Hello, Mummy,

So, you are a practicing

psychiatrist, Doctor?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

- Mmm,

How long you been practicing?

- Oh

- 35 years,

- Oh,

Isn't it time you stopped

practicing and got on with it?

Cynthia, please, Don't be ridiculous,

- No, no, no, Mr, Frog, It's all right,

Misunderstandings about

psychiatry are common,

You see, basically, it is a tooI

to help us deaI with frustrations,

Otherwise we develop problems

that result where? In complexes,

Oh, I know, My mother lives in one,

- Yeah, One what?

A complex, She lives downstairs,

the Murphys live upstairs

You should hear them fighting all day

- Cynthia, Cynthia, no, no, no, no, no,

The doctor's talking about psychiatry,

- Don't don't concern yourself,

"The Murphys,"

Psychiatry has its own jargon,

and only when you know the

meaning of the various terms

can you begin to understand,

Terms like complex,

sublimation, regression,



Gestalt, not gesundheit,

Yeah, yeah, girls, Now, now, now, see, the

doctor's talking about psychologicaI terms,

Yes, yes, Correct, Now, Mr, Kermit,

when it was first used, you

see, by Sigmund

the father of psychiatry,

he was the first in his field,

Of course, he didn't get any

good at it untiI he got an office

and he got out of that field,

That's a trade joke,

- Well, you'd better trade it for another one,

Cynthia, come on now, don't be

embarrassing the doctor here,

It's all right, Mr, Kermit Frog,

- Right,

A good psychiatrist learns to find

the proper way to handle any situation,

You see, I think, personally,

that the Janov theory

of primaI-scream

therapy might work here,

It's guaranteed to get

rid of all your problems,

I'd like to hear it,

- Me too,

Yeah, so would I,

- Yes? You got it,

Are you all right down there?

No problems more, It works every time,

I believe that does it for

tonight's pseudoscientific

psychiatric Sigmund discussion,

And I hope you tune in next week

when, with luck, I won't be there,

What are you looking for?

- My contact lens,


Oh, here it is,


- Bam!

He's in his dressing room,

I know him personally,

Oh, really?

- Hey, Kermit?

I was wondering, could you get

me Peter Ustinov's autograph?

He's one of your favorites, huh?

- Oh, not one of them, He is my favorite,

Last week I was your favorite,

- Well, we grow, Kermit, We progress,

I just saw him in that last

sketch, I was on the floor,

That's a lousy place

to watch a sketch from,

I meant from laughter,

You see, when I grow up,

I wanna be just like him,

Last week you wanted

to be just like me,

I was wrong,

Kermit, I'm in my formative years,

If you had a choice,

which would you choose?

Would you like to grow up

and be an internationaI star

or would you like to

grow up and be a frog?

I'd turn green with envy

if I weren't already green,

I hope I didn't hurt his feelings,

It's not easy bein' green

Having to spend each

day the color of the leaves

When I think it might be

nicer being red or yellow or gold

Or something much

more colorfuI like that

It's not easy bein' green

Seems you blend in with

so many other ordinary things

And people tend to pass you over

'Cause you're not standing out

like flashy sparkles in the water

Or stars in the sky

But green's the color of spring

And green can be

cooI and friendly-like

And green can be big like a mountain

Or important like a river

Or tall like a tree

When green is all there is to be

It could make you wonder why

But why wonder?

Why wonder?

I'm green and it'll do fine

It's beautifuI

And I think it's what I wanna be

Well, that just about

does it for this week

and I want to thank our guest,

Mr, Peter Ustinov, for joining us,

Peter, come on out here, Yeah!

I've just been talking to your show's

writer, He's a man of many talents,

Isn't he, though?

- Yes, Wears more than one hat,

Oh, yeah, Peter, Hey, listen,

it's been great having you,

although I must admit I've

been a little bit jealous,

You have? I'm jealous of you,

- Yes,

I've always wanted to be a frog,

- You're kidding,

Ribbit, ribbit,

How do you do that?

- A very tight shirt collar,

Well, welcome to the

wonderfuI world of frogs,

Yeah, and we'll see

you all next time on The Muppet Show.

Well, they did improve the leveI

of television entertainment,

Well, they had noplace to go but up,

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