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Episode 112: Peter Ustinov/transcript

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Theme

Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Peter Ustinov!
The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!

Male chorus

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!

The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie Hey — the little problems in life drive me crazy. Like, what do you send to a sick florist? Huh? Huh?
The curtain closes.
Kermit

To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Mr. Peter Ustinov!

Muppets gather around Peter.
Kermit But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang

On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!

112gong
Gonzo gets his drumstick stuck in the sign.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, and hello, dear friends, and welcome to this potpourri of mirth and madness we call The Muppet Show. Hey, we're especially excited around here tonight, because our guest star is Mr. Peter Ustinov. He is a man for all seasons, an actor, a director, a writer, plus being a great raconteur. Uh, that's, that's French for "tennis player." I think. Anyway, we're also fortunate in having with us an offshoot of the world famous Boston Pops Orchestra — just the wind section — but I think it's gonna be a thrill for us all so let's open the show with an evening at the Pops!
PopsFiedler
An orchestra of balloon-headed musicians (the wind section) perform Léo Delibes' "Pizzicato" as a parody of "An Evening at the Pops."
Statler Mm. They say, "Music hath charm to soothe a savage beast."
Animal starts attacking Statler. Waldorf laughs.
Waldorf Such is not the case here, however.
112animalbox
Animal starts attacking Waldorf. Statler watches.
Statler Get him. Get him.

Backstage

The headless conductor walks by Kermit.
Kermit OK, OK. Good bit. Good bit. Good ending. Sorry about the head.
Miss Piggy (amorous) Oh, Kermit. Oh, my heart. It's going, pitter-patter, pitter-patter.
Kermit Yeah, well, maybe you've had too much coffee.
Miss Piggy No. It's going pitter-patter over the man I've admired and loved for years. And now, to be this close to him...
Kermit Uh, Piggy, I've told you, I don't have any time in my life for any emotional involvement right now.
Miss Piggy No, I'm talking about Peter Ustinov!
Kermit Oh. Well. Ahem. Oh.
112kermitpiggy
Miss Piggy He is a Renaissance man.
Kermit (sarcastic) Oh. Well, I am a leg man.
Dr. Bunsen walks by.
Kermit (sarcastic) Oops. It's time now to introduce your new heartthrob. (walks onstage)
Miss Piggy (sarcastic) Mm-hm. Jealousy, thy name is frog!

Muppet Labs

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit OK. Right now, friends, I'd like you to meet our guest star, the one and only Mr. Peter Ustinov.
Peter Well, Kermit, you know, it's a pleasure for me to be with you tonight. Uh, it's my first experience in performing with, um — performers other than people, if you follow me.
TMS112 KermitPeter
Kermit Oh. Uh, yeah, well, it takes some getting used to, I guess, but uh, we've worked with humans before, so just relax, take it easy, and don't sit on any of your fellow performers.
Peter Well, I'll try not to, but I was going to sit down on my dressing-room chair, you know, and it walked away.
Kermit Oh, well, that was a Muppet. See, that chair is married to the show's writer.
Peter And who's the writer?
Kermit The hat rack.
Peter This show was written by a hat rack? Ha! Oh, well … that's extraordinary.
Kermit Well, you see, anything can be a Muppet. In fact, in this next sketch, you are going to be a Muppet.
Peter I'm going to be a Muppet?
Kermit Mm-hm. Trust me. Just stand by for a big show-biz-style introduction, OK?
Peter Oh, delightful. A hat rack. (laughs, exits) Incredible.
Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness one of the wonders of modern science as envisioned by the incredible Mr. Peter Ustinov. We take you now to Muppet Labs.
Open on Dr. Bunsen.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Hello, I'm Doctor Bunsen Honeydew, and here at Muppet Labs we think we have finally made a major scientific breakthrough in the field of international statesmanship. So, it is with incalculable pride that I give you the new robot politician.
Pan over to the politician — Peter.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Yes, this electronic politician will end corruption in government forever. And furthermore, it is absolutely international. For instance, the robot politician would make an excellent British prime minister. Watch.
He turns a switch. The politician speaks.
Peter (as Winston Churchill) Although the skies are dark, and the road ahead is steep, yet with perseverance, we can, nay, we, ah, shall prevail. Prevail. Prevail.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Uh — Thank you. And on the other hand, with equal ease, he could be an American president.
He turns a switch. The politician speaks.
112labs
Peter (as W.C. Fields) And I tell you, my friends, this is the greatest country in the world. Stands ready to forge ahead, bring peace to the world, affluence to all nations.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Yes, well, enough of that. How about a Russian premier?
He turns a switch. The politician speaks.
Peter (Russian accent) The Russian people will not rub the SALT agreement into the wounds. (laughs) Well, that's good.
He ululates and starts fizzling. Bunsen gives him a smack. The remote control starts smoking. Bunsen messes with it as the politician switches accents.
Peter The People Republic of China object to the running-dog tone of this most — The Middle East bloc must stand firm in the belief — La France eternelle, plus grande que — Italiano non posso piu, che — Das deutsche Volk muss unter allen Umstanden — This means war!
BOOM! The politician explodes.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Well, back to the drawing board. Mr. Ustinov?
Waldorf A masterful performance.
Statler Mm. Reminiscent of the late Rudolph Besser.
Waldorf Rudolph Besser is dead?
Statler No, he's late. He was supposed to be here at … (looks at his watch)
Waldorf Statler, you always get me with that same dumb joke.
Statler Well, maybe it's not the joke that's dumb, if you catch my drift?
He laughs. Waldorf sneers at him.

Backstage

Dr. Bunsen walks backstage.
Fozzie Oh, where is he? Where is that tower of talent?
Kermit Fozzie, are you looking for me?
Fozzie No, I'm looking for Peter Ustinov.
Kermit Oh. Well, after that last sketch he ended up in the dressing room, where he's going over his lines.
Fozzie Ohhhh. The actor prepares.
Kermit Yep.
Fozzie Ho. Oh, I tell you, Kermit, appearing in a sketch with Peter Ustinov is the highlight of my career.
Kermit Um, I thought you said last week that appearing with me in a sketch was the highlight of your career.
A beat.
Fozzie I was wrong. How can you compare yourself to … him?
Kermit Uh … easy. He puts on his pants just like me, one leg at a time.
112fozziekermit
Fozzie You don't wear any pants.
Kermit (looks down) Um, OK, there you are, let's see him get away with that on television. (laughs, departs)

At the Dance

Couples dance in a ballroom. We start with the two pigs.
Miss Piggy (RH) (sigh)
Pig (RH) Say, did you ever fall in love with a guy at first sight?
Miss Piggy (RH) Mm-hm. But it always took a while.
We move on to Zoot and Janice…
Janice You know, just once, I'd like to stand next to Queen Elizabeth.
Zoot Heh, I'd rather sit in with Count Basie.
…then to Mildred and George …
Mildred I find that most people don't believe what other people tell them.
George the Janitor Uh … I don't think that's true.
… and finally, to Rowlf and his partner.
112punchbowl
Rowlf Hey, you wanna stop by the punch bowl?
Woman Why do they call it a punch bowl?
BOP! A boxing glove comes out of the bowl and punches her.
Rowlf That's why.

Discussion

Main stage. Sam enters.
Sam the Eagle Ahem. And now, in my never-ending struggle to uplift these proceedings, here are two distinguished professors, Doctors Arnold Nood and Frederick Nik, to discuss post-Dickensian economics.
The curtain opens on two professors, played by Peter and Fozzie, each with his own podium.
Fozzie OK. OK. OK. Tell them the story. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Peter (Brooklyn accent) Yeah, sure. Give me a break, will you?
Fozzie OK. I'll give you a break.
Peter To best explain post-Die-kensan — whatever …
Fozzie Whatever.
Peter … economics, let me tell you a little story.
Fozzie Yeah, tell them the story.
Peter I'm trying. I am trying to tell them the story. Shh. (pause) Once upon a time there was a man named Benny. What else?
Fozzie What else?
Peter Who was visited by his fairy godmother.
Fozzie Fairy godmother!
Peter Fairy godmother.
Fozzie Yeah!
Peter Now, Benny's fairy godmother … promised him that he would live forever under one condition, see? That he never never shave again.
Fozzie Never shave.
Peter Isn't that some condition?
Fozzie Aaahhhh.
Peter Now, Benny never shaved after that. And you know what?
Fozzie What? What? What?
Peter He lived to be 175 years old.
Fozzie (bangs the podium) No!
Peter Now, one day Benny met a beautiful girl.
Fozzie Oh.
Peter It happens to anyone.
Fozzie Yeah.
Peter And he fell in what?
Fozzie Love?
Peter Yeah. Wery bright.
Fozzie Love. Oh!
Peter Ain't it wonderful? And the beautiful girl asked Benny to shave his beard off. And when the fairy godmother heard …
Fozzie Oh, yeah, yeah?
Peter … that Benny had shaved …
Fozzie Yeah, yeah, yeah?
Peter … why, she got that mad.
112fozpeter
Fozzie (points to Peter) Mad.
Peter She turned … she turned Benny into a Grecian urn.
Fozzie (excited) Yeah. Yeah. And that only goes to prove the economic theory …
Peter "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."
They both crack up.
Fozzie I love it!

UK spot

Rowlf plays the piano as Piggy sings, close to tears.
112piggyfozrowlf
Miss Piggy

It's lonely out tonight
And the feeling just got right
For a brand new love song.
Somebody-done-somebody-wrong song.

Rowlf OK, everybody!
Muppets

Hey, won't you play
Another somebody-done-somebody-wrong song?
And make me feel at home
While I miss my baby,
While I miss my baby.

Fozzie

So play, play for me,
A sad melody,
So sad that it makes everybody cry.

Miss Piggy

A real hurting song
About a love that's gone wrong,
Because I don't want to cry all alone.
(starts sobbing)

Dunesomebodywrongsong
Muppets

Hey, won't you play
Another somebody-done-somebody-wrong song?
And make me feel at home
While I miss my baby,
While I miss my baby.

Rowlf Up a key!
Muppets

Hey, won't you play
Another somebody-done-somebody-wrong song?
And make me feel at home
While I miss my baby,
While I miss my baby.

The song concludes. Piggy sobs.
Miss Piggy (sobbing) Oh, I miss Kermit so. Oh!

Backstage

Kermit sits at his desk. Hilda walks up to him.
Hilda Oh, Kermit, that Peter Ustinov is wonderful.
Kermit (frowning) Yeah. He is quite a talented fellow, isn't he?
Hilda So appreciative, so observant.
Kermit The frog observes. The frog appreciates.
Hilda I had just gone in to give him his costume and he looked at me, and he said: "Hilda, you have the most exquisite hemstitch."
Kermit Is that so?
Hilda Imagine a big star like that, noticing an old costume lady like me.
Kermit Now, Hilda, you know, I have many times noted that your craftsmanship as a seamstress is superb. It is, in fact, flawless, and you are a wonder.
112kermit
Hilda So? What does a frog know? (shrugs, walks away)
Kermit Somehow I feel my charisma's slipping away.

"You Do Something to Me"

In his lair, Svengali transforms his assistant's body as she sings.
112nobodyelsebutyou
Assistant You … do … something to me.
POOF! She's a tiger.
Assistant Something that simply mystifies me.
TMS 112 snake
POOF! She's a snake.
Assistant Tell me, why should it be,
POOF! She's a Satan.
Assistant You have the power to hypnotize me?
POOF! She's a bird.
Assistant

Let me live 'neath your spell.
Do do that voodoo that …

POOF! She's a fish.
Assistant

… you do so well.
For you … do … something to me…

POOF! She's a flower.
Assistant That nobody else could…
POOF! She's a tiger-devil.
Assistant Nobody else could…
POOF! She's a flower-fish.
Assistant Nobody else could…
POOF! She's a snake-bird.
Assistant Nobody else could…
TMS 112 lookalike
POOF! She's a Svengali lookalike.
Assistant Oh, finally, I thought you'd never get me back to myself again.

Nobody else… could … do.

POOF! Svengali disappears.

Muppet Newsflash

Newsman Here's a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Copenhagen, Denmark. Dr. Felix Oglebomb says that after 30 years' concentrated research, he has discovered the cure for the common cold. Our Muppet cameras are on the scene and we'll speak with Dr. Oglebomb about this great medical breakthrough. Dr. Oglebomb?
Peter appears in the monitor.
Peter (Danish accent) Yeah. Yeah, I am Felix Oglebomb in Copenhagen, Denmark.
Newsman Yes, Dr. Oglebomb. Can you tell us about this cure?
112news
Peter Yeah, of course. It was right under our noses, do you believe that? I'm so excited. First, you stay away from sick people. That's very important. Then you wrap your head in a number-ten-sized brown paper bag, and you pour honey over yourself and you hold your breath for about an hour or so, eh?
Newsman Uh, and this will cure the common cold?
Peter Positively. (sneezes) And then again … (mumbles)
Newsman Yes, well, thank you very much, Dr. Oglebomb. Remember, friends, whenever big news breaks … (flips off his glasses) … you certainly won't hear it here. (flips his glasses back on and walks away)

Wayne and Wanda

Main stage. Sam stands on the proscenium, whispering aside. Music swells up, and he addresses the audience.
Sam the Eagle Oh. Uh, once again it's inspiration time. And goodness knows, we need some. So here they are, Wayne and Wanda.
Open on Wayne and Wanda in a forest.
112wayneandwanda
Wayne & Wanda

The falling leaves
Drift by the …

They are instantly buried in falling leaves.

Panel discussion

TMS 112 talk begin
Open on the panelists making chit-chat as the theme plays.
Kermit Uh, friends, uh, once again it's time to raise the intellectual level of our program, as our panel discusses a topic of concern to thinking people everywhere: psychiatry. And tonight's panel includes our own Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy Kissy kissy.
Kermit Plus Cynthia Birdley.
Cynthia (a la Fran Drescher) Enchantez.
Kermit And our own special guest is Dr. Kurt Von Frong, who is a practicing psychiatrist.
Peter (German accent) Hello, Mummy.
Kermit So, you are a practicing psychiatrist, Doctor?
Peter Ja, ja, ja.
Cynthia Mmm. How long you been practicing?
Peter Oh, 35 years.
Cynthia Oh. Isn't it time you stopped practicing and got on with it?
Kermit Uh, Cynthia, please. Don't be ridiculous.
112talk
Peter Oh, no, Mr. Frog. It's all right. Misunderstandings about p'sychiatry are common. You see, basically, it is a tool to help us deal with frustrations! Otherwise we develop problems that result where? In complexes!
Cynthia Birdley
Cynthia Oh, I know. My mother lives in one.
Peter Yeah. One what?
Cynthia A complex. She lives downstairs, the Murphys live upstairs. You should hear them fighting all day …
They all start talking over each other.
Kermit Cynthia, Cynthia, no, no, no, no, no. The doctor's talking about psychiatry.
Peter Don't concern yourself. "The Murphys." Ho! P'sychiatry has its own jargon, and only when you know the meaning of the various terms, can you begin to understand. Terms like complex, sublimation, regression! Gestalt!
Cynthia & Piggy Gesundheit!
Peter (sneezes) Gestalt, not gesundheit.
Kermit Yeah, yeah, girls. Now, now, now, see, the doctor's talking about psychological terms.
Peter Yes, yes. Correct, Now, Mr. Kermit, when it was first used, you see, by Sigmund Fre … uh … the father of p'sychiatry, he was the first in his field. Of course, he didn't get any good at it until he got an office, and he got out of that field. (laughs) That's a trade joke.
Cynthia Well, you'd better trade it for another one.
Peter (laughs)
Miss Piggy Will you stop this woman please?
Kermit Cynthia, come on now, don't be embarrassing the doctor here.
Peter It's all right, Mr. Kermit Frog.
Kermit Right.
Peter A good p'sychiatrist learns to find the proper way to handle any situation. You see, I think, personally, that the Janosh theory of primal-scream therapy might work here. It's guaranteed to get rid of all your problems.
Cynthia I'd like to hear it.
Miss Piggy Me too.
Kermit Yeah, so would I.
Peter Yes? You got it.
He screams. The Muppets duck. He laughs.
Peter Are you all right down there? No problems more. It works every time. I believe that does it for tonight's p'seudoscientific p'sychiatric Sigmund … eh, discussion. And I hope you tune in next week when, with luck, I won't be there. (sips a glass of water)
The Muppets peer up as the theme music plays. Meanwhile, Statler notices Waldorf looking down.
Statler What are you looking for?
Waldorf My contact lens.
Statler Oh. Oh, here it is. (stomps on it) Sorry.
Waldorf punches Statler in the face.

Backstage

Fozzie leads Wanda, Piggy and Rowlf backstage past Kermit.
Fozzie He's in his dressing room. I know him personally.
Miss Piggy Oh, really?
Scooter Hey, Kermit? I was wondering, could you get me Peter Ustinov's autograph?
Kermit He's one of your favorites, huh?
Scooter Oh, not one of them. He is my favorite.
Kermit Last week I was your favorite.
Scooter Well, we grow, Kermit. We progress. I just saw him in that last sketch. I was on the floor.
Kermit That's a lousy place to watch a sketch from. (chuckles)
112scooterkermit
Scooter I meant from laughter. You see, when I grow up, I wanna be just like him.
Kermit Uh, last week you wanted to be just like me.
A beat.
Scooter I was wrong. Kermit, I'm in my formative years. If you had a choice, which would you choose? Would you like to grow up and be an international star, or would you like to grow up and be a frog?
Kermit Uh — I'd turn green with envy, if I weren't already green. (walks away)
Scooter Uh, gee — I hope I didn't hurt his feelings.

"Bein' Green"

Kermit sings "Bein' Green" as he walks into a forest clearing.
112green

Goodnights

Kermit Well, that just about does it for this week and I want to thank our guest, Mr. Peter Ustinov, for joining us. Peter, come on out here. Yaaayy.
Peter Ustinov
Peter I've just been talking to your show's writer. He's a man of many talents.
Kermit Isn't he, though?
Peter Yes. Wears more than one hat.
They chuckle.
Kermit Oh, yeah, Peter. Hey, listen, it's been great having you, although I must admit I've been a little bit jealous.
Peter You have? I'm jealous of you. I've always wanted to be a frog.
Kermit You're kidding.
Peter Ahh — ahh — ribbit, ribbit.
Kermit How do you do that?
Peter A very tight shirt collar. Ahh — ahh — (laughs)
Kermit Well, welcome to the wonderful world of frogs.
Peter (as Kermit) Yeah, and we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show. (waves his hand a la Kermit)
The Muppets gather around Peter as the credits roll. The hatrack gets its own writing credit.
Waldorf Well, they did improve the level of television entertainment.
Statler Well, they had no place to go but up.
Waldorf chuckles.
ATV
THE END

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