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Episode 112: Peter Ustinov/transcript

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Opening number


Muppet Labs


At the Dance


UK spot


"You Do Something to Me"

Muppet Newsflash

Wayne and Wanda

Panel discussion


"Bein' Green"


It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Peter Ustinov.

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey, the little problems in life drive me crazy. Like, what do you send to a sick florist? Huh? Huh?

To introduce our guest star

That's what I'm here to do

So it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

Mr. Peter Ustinov!

But now let's get things started

on the most sensational, inspirational

Celebrational, Muppetational

This is what we call

The Muppet Show

Thank you, thank you. And hello, dear friends, and welcome to this potpourri of mirth and madness we call The Muppet Show. Hey, we're especially excited around here tonight because our guest star is Mr. Peter Ustinov. He is a man for all seasons, an actor, a director, a writer, plus being a great raconteur. That's that's French for "tennis player." I think. Anyway, we're also fortunate in having with us an offshoot of the world famous Boston Pops Orchestra, just the wind section, but I think it's gonna be a thrill for us all so let's open the show with an evening at the Pops.

Mm. Well, they say, "Music hath charm to soothe a savage beast."

Mm. Such is not the case here, however.

Get him. Get him.

OK, OK. Good bit. Good bit. Good ending. Sorry about the head.

Oh, Kermit. Oh, my heart. It's going pitter-patter, pitter-patter.

Yeah, well, maybe you've had too much coffee.

No. It's going pitter-patter over the man I've admired and loved for years. And now, to be this close to him...

Uh, Piggy, I've told you, I don't have any time in my life for any emotional involvement right now.

No, I'm talking about Peter Ustinov.

Oh. Well. Oh.

He is a Renaissance man.

Oh. Well, I am a leg man.

Oops. It's time now to introduce your new heartthrob.


- Yeah.

Jealousy, thy name is frog!

OK. Right now, friends, I'd like you to meet our guest star, the one and only Mr. Peter Ustinov.

Well, Kermit, you know, it's a pleasure for me to be with you tonight. It's my first experience in performing with, uh performers other than people, if you follow me.

Oh. Oh, yeah, well, it takes some getting used to, I guess, but we've worked with humans before so just relax, take it easy and don't sit on any of your fellow performers.

I'll try not to, but I was going to sit down on my dressing-room chair, you know, and it walked away.

Oh, well, that was a Muppet. See, that chair is married to the show's writer.

Who's the writer?

- The hat rack,

This show was written by a hat rack?

- Mm.

Oh, well, uh That's most extraordinary.

Well, you see, anything can be a Muppet. In fact, in this next sketch, you are going to be a Muppet.

I'm going to be a Muppet?

Mm-hm. Trust me. Just stand by for a big show-biz-style introduction, OK?

Oh, delightful. A hat rack.

- Mm-hm.


Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness one of the wonders of modern science as envisioned by the incredible Mr. Peter Ustinov. We take you now to Muppet Labs.

Hello, I'm Doctor Bunsen Honeydew, and here at Muppet Labs we think we have finally made a major scientific breakthrough in the field of international statesmanship. So, it is with incalculable pride that I give you the new robot politician. Yes, this electronic politician will end corruption in government forever. And, furthermore, it is absolutely international. For instance, the robot politician would make an excellent British prime minister. Watch.

Although the skies are dark and the road ahead is steep, yet with perseverance, we can, nay, we shall prevail. Prevail. Prevail.

Uh Thank you. And on the other hand, with equal ease, he could be an American president.

And I tell you, my friends, this is the greatest country in the world. Stands ready to forge ahead, bring peace to the world, affluence to all nations.

Yes, well, enough of that. How about a Russian premier?

The Russian people will not rub the SALT agreement into the wounds.

Well, that's good.


Come on. The People's Republic of China objects to the running-dog tone of this most

The Middle East bloc must stand firm in the belief

La France eternelle, plus grande que


Non posso piu, che

Das deutsche Volk muss unter allen Umstanden

This means war!

Well, back to the drawing board.

Mr. Ustinov? A masterful performance.

- Mm.

Reminiscent of the late Rudolph Besser.

Rudolph Besser is dead?

No, he's late. He was supposed to be here at

Statler, you always get me with that same dumb joke.

Well, maybe it's not the joke that's dumb, if you catch my drift?


Oh, where is he? Where is that tower of talent?

Fozzie, are you looking for me?

No, I'm looking for Peter Ustinov.

Oh. Well, after that last sketch he ended up in the dressing room, where he's going over his lines.

- Oh. The actor prepares.

- Yep.

Oh. Oh, I tell you, Kermit, appearing in a sketch with Peter Ustinov is the highlight of my career.

I thought you said last week that appearing with me in a sketch was the highlight of your career.

I was wrong.

How can you compare yourself to him?

Uh Easy. He puts on his pants just like me, one leg at a time.

You don't wear any pants.

- Uh

OK. There you are, let's see him get away with that on television.

Say, did you ever fall in love with a guy at first sight?

Mm-hm. But it always took a while,

You know, just once, I'd like to stand next to Queen Elizabeth.

I'd rather sit in with Count Basie.

I find that most people don't believe what other people tell them.


I don't think that's true.

Hey, you wanna stop by the punch bowl?

Why do they call it a punch bowl?

That's why.

And now, in my never-ending struggle to uplift these proceedings, here are two distinguished professors, Doctors Arnold Nood and Frederick Nik, to discuss post-Dickensian economics.

OK. OK. OK. Tell them the story.

Yeah, sure. Give me a break, will you?

- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

OK. I'll give you a break.

To best explain post-Die-kensan



economics, let me tell you a little story.

Yeah, tell them the story.

- I'm trying. I am trying to tell them the story. Shh. Once upon a time there was a man named Benny.

What else?

- What else? Who was visited by his fairy godmother.

Fairy godmother.

Fairy godmother. Yeah! Now, Benny's fairy godmother promised him that he would live forever under one condition, see? That he never never shave again.

Never shave. Isn't that some condition?


Now, Benny never shaved after that. And you know what?

What? What? What?

He lived to be 175 years old,


Now, one day Benny met a beautiful girl.


It happens to anyone.

- Yeah.

And he fell in what?

- Love?

Yeah. He's very bright.

- Love.

Ain't it wonderful?

- Oh!

And the beautiful girl asked Benny to shave his beard off. And when the fairy godmother heard

- Oh, yeah, yeah?

that Benny had shaved

Yeah, yeah, yeah?

why, she got that mad

she turned – she turned Benny into a Grecian urn.

- Yeah. Yeah.

And that only goes to prove the economic theory. A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

I love it!

It's lonely out tonight

And the feeling just got right

For a brand new love song



OK, everybody,

Hey, won't you play

Another somebody-done-

somebody-wrong song

And make me feel at home

While I miss my baby

While I miss my baby

So play, play for me

A sad melody

So sad that it makes everybody cry

A real hurting song

About a love that's gone wrong

Because I don't

want to cry all alone

Hey, won't you play

Another somebody-done-

somebody-wrong song

And make me feel at home

While I miss my baby

While I miss my baby

Up a key!

Hey, won't you play

Another somebody-done-

somebody-wrong song

And make me feel at home

While I miss my baby

While I miss my baby

Oh, I miss Kermit so. Oh!

Oh, Kermit, that Peter Ustinov is wonderful.

Yeah. He is quite a talented fellow, isn't he?

So appreciative, so observant.

The frog observes. The frog appreciates.

I had just gone in to give him his costume and he looked at me, and he said: "Hilda, you have the most exquisite hemstitch."

Is that so?

Imagine a big star like that noticing an old costume lady like me.

Now, Hilda, you know, I have many times noted that your craftsmanship as a seamstress is superb. It is, in fact, flawless, and you are a wonder.

So? What does a frog know?

Somehow I feel my charisma's slipping away.

You do something to me

Something that simply mystifies me

Tell me why should it be

You have the power to hypnotize me?

Let me live 'neath your spell

Do do that voodoo

that you do so well

For you do something to me

That nobody else could

Nobody else could

Nobody else could

Nobody else could

Oh, finally, I thought you'd

never get me back to myself again,

Nobody else could do

Here's a Muppet news flash. Copenhagen, Denmark. Dr. Felix Oglebomb says that after 30 years concentrated research he has discovered the cure for the common cold. Our Muppet cameras are on the scene and we'll speak with Dr. Oglebomb about this great medical breakthrough. Dr. Oglebomb,

Yeah. Yeah, I am Felix Oglebomb in Copenhagen, Denmark.

Yes, Dr. Oglebomb. Can you tell us about this cure?

Yeah, of course, It was right under our noses, do you believe that?

I'm so excited.

First, you stay away from sick people. That's very important. Then you wrap your head in a number-ten-sized brown paper bag and you pour honey over yourself and you hold your breath for about an hour or so, eh?

And this will cure the common cold?


And then again.

Yes, well, thank you very much, Dr. Oglebomb, Remember, friends, whenever big news breaks, you certainly won't hear it here.


Once again it's inspiration time. And, goodness knows, we need some. So here they are, Wayne and Wanda,

The falling leaves

Drift by the

Friends, once again it's time to raise the intellectual level of our program as our panel discusses a topic of concern to thinking people everywhere – psychiatry. And tonight's panel includes our own Miss Piggy.

Kissy kissy,

Cynthia Birdley.

- Enchantee.

And our own special guest is Dr. Kurt Von Frong who is a practicing psychiatrist.

Hello, Mummy.

So, you are a practicing psychiatrist, Doctor?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mmm. How long you been practicing?

Oh, 35 years.

- Oh.

Isn't it time you stopped practicing and got on with it?

Cynthia, please. Don't be ridiculous.

No, no, no, Mr. Frog. It's all right. Misunderstandings about psychiatry are common. You see, basically, it is a tool to help us deal with frustrations. Otherwise we develop problems that result where? In complexes.

Oh, I know. My mother lives in one.

Yeah. One what?

A complex. She lives downstairs, the Murphys live upstairs. You should hear them fighting all day

- Cynthia, Cynthia, no, no, no, no, no. The doctor's talking about psychiatry.

- Don't don't concern yourself.

"The Murphys."

Psychiatry has its own jargon, and only when you know the meaning of the various terms can you begin to understand. Terms like complex, sublimation, regression.



Gestalt, not gesundheit.

Yeah, yeah, girls. Now, now, now, see, the doctor's talking about psychological terms.

Yes, yes. Correct, Now, Mr. Kermit, when it was first used, you see, by Sigmund the father of psychiatry, he was the first in his field. Of course, he didn't get any good at it until he got an office and he got out of that field. That's a trade joke.

Well, you'd better trade it for another one.

Cynthia, come on now, don't be embarrassing the doctor here.

It's all right, Mr. Kermit Frog.


A good psychiatrist learns to find the proper way to handle any situation. You see, I think, personally, that the Janov theory of primal-scream therapy might work here. It's guaranteed to get rid of all your problems.

I'd like to hear it.

- Me too.

Yeah, so would I.

- Yes? You got it.

Are you all right down there?

No problems more. It works every time.

I believe that does it for tonight's pseudoscientific psychiatric Sigmund discussion.And I hope you tune in next week when, with luck, I won't be there.

What are you looking for?

- My contact lens.


Oh, here it is.


- Bam!

He's in his dressing room.

I know him personally.

Oh, really?

- Hey, Kermit?

I was wondering, could you get me Peter Ustinov's autograph?

He's one of your favorites, huh?

- Oh, not one of them. He is my favorite.

Last week I was your favorite.

- Well, we grow, Kermit. We progress.

I just saw him in that last sketch. I was on the floor.

That's a lousy place to watch a sketch from,

I meant from laughter.

You see, when I grow up, I wanna be just like him,

Last week you wanted to be just like me.

I was wrong. Kermit, I'm in my formative years.

If you had a choice, which would you choose? Would you like to grow up and be an international star or would you like to grow up and be a frog? I'd turn green with envy if I weren't already green.

I hope I didn't hurt his feelings.

It's not easy bein' green

Having to spend each

day the color of the leaves

When I think it might be

nicer being red or yellow or gold

Or something much

more colorful like that

It's not easy bein' green

Seems you blend in with

so many other ordinary things

And people tend to pass you over

'Cause you're not standing out

like flashy sparkles in the water

Or stars in the sky

But green's the color of spring

And green can be

cool and friendly-like

And green can be big like a mountain

Or important like a river

Or tall like a tree

When green is all there is to be

It could make you wonder why

But why wonder?

Why wonder?

I'm green and it'll do fine

It's beautiful

And I think it's what I wanna be

Well, that just about does it for this week and I want to thank our guest,

Mr. Peter Ustinov, for joining us. Peter, come on out here. Yeah!

I've just been talking to your show's writer. He's a man of many talents.

Isn't he, though?

Yes. Wears more than one hat.

Oh, yeah, Peter. Hey, listen, it's been great having you, although I must admit I've been a little bit jealous.

You have? I'm jealous of you.

Yes. I've always wanted to be a frog.

- You're kidding.

Ribbit, ribbit.

How do you do that?

- A very tight shirt collar.

Well, welcome to the wonderful world of frogs.

Yeah, and we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.

Well, they did improve the level of television entertainment.

Well, they had no place to go but up.

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