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Episode 111: Lena Horne/transcript

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Opening number


"I Got a Name"


Muppet newsflash

At the Dance

UK spot

Talk spot

The Swedish Chef

"I'm Glad There Is You"


Fozzie's comedy act





It's The Muppet Show, with our

special guest star Ms. Lena Horne!

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

on The Muppet Show tonight

Uh, I bet on a horse that came in so late they had to pay the jockey time and a half. Ha ha.

To introduce our guest star

That's what I'm here to do

So it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

Ms. Lena Horne!

But now let's get things started

on the most sensational, inspirational

Celebrational, Muppetational

This is what we call

The Muppet Show

Thank you, thank you, thank you. And good evening, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and dogs and frogs, and pigs and chickens, and welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, we are particularly happy tonight to have with us as our special guest star the talented, the beautiful and the indefatigable Ms. Lena Horne. But right now, we're gonna start off the show with an act that was discovered by George our janitor. And here it is, right from the cleaning room into your living room, The Ragg Mopps!


I say M, O

M, O, P

M, O, P, P


M, O, P, P Mopp, mopp, mopp, mopp


I say R, A

R, A, G

R, A, G, G


R, A, G, G, M, O, P, P

Ragg mopp

Ragg mopp

Ragg mopp

� Ragg mopp

� Ragg mopp

R, A, G, G, M, O, P, P

Ragg mopp


I say A, B

A, B, C

A, B, C, D

A, B, C, D, E

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H

- # Ragg mopp - #

Doo-de-dup dah dee-yadah

- # Ragg mopp - #

Doo-de-dup dah dee-yadah

- # Ragg mopp - #

Doo-de-dup dah dee-yadah

- # Ragg mopp - #

Doo-de-dup dah dee-yadah

- # Ragg mopp - #

Doo-de-dup dah dee-yadah

R, A, G, G, M, O, P, P

Ragg mopp

Yeah. Now, that's my kind of act.

That kind of act only comes once in a lifetime.

If you're lucky.

OK, OK. Good number. Good number, you guys. Good number. George, clean up your act.

Kermit, Kermit, is it true what I've heard, that I'm not doing my song in the show tonight?

That's true.

- Why?

Well, Piggy, because Lena Horne is our guest this week. And how can I say this? There are singers and there are singers. You catch my drift?

Oh, and and you don't want me to overshadow Ms. Horne. Oh, of course you're right. What a considerate frog. Oh.

Ignorance is truly bliss. Ms. Horne on next. Ms. Horne on next. No, not you. The wrong Ms. Horne.

And now it is my great pleasure to present a performer whose name is synonymous with style, taste and talent, the incredible Ms. Lena Horne.

Like the pine trees

lining a winding road

I've got a name

I've got a name

Like the singing bird

or the croaking toad

I've got a name

I've got a name

And I carry it with me

Like my daddy did

But I'm living a dream

That he kept hid

Moving me down the highway

Rolling me down the highway

Moving ahead so life

Won't pass me by

Like the fool I am

And I'll always be

I've got a dream

I've got a dream

They can change their minds

But they can't change

me, no, no, no, no

I've got a dream, yeah

I've got a dream

I know I could share it

If you want me to

If you're going my way

I'll go with you

Moving me down the highway

Rolling me down the highway

Moving ahead so life

Won't pass me by

Oh, oh, oh, yeah

Moving me down the highway

Rolling me down the highway

Moving ahead so life

Won't pass me by

I could listen to her sing till the end of time.

She doesn't sing that. Not her style. No.

No, no, no, I mean I could listen to her sing forever.

No, she doesn't sing that either.

Why don't you just check yourself into the old fools' home while they still have a bed left?

Kermit, Kermit?


My love, I've been thinking.

- What?

The consideration that you've shown Lena Horne has only reinforced my undying love for you.


Oh, kiss me quick!

Piggy, I appreciate the fact that you find me attractive - every frog wants to be needed - but there is no room in my life for romance at this time, thank you.

Oh, I'm crushed. I'm destroyed. My life has no meaning. It It-it's over. It's over.

Piggy, listen.

The sun will never shine on this pig, O death, death, where is thy sting?

Uh Uh, Piggy, aren't you just overdoing it a little bit?

Uh, maybe.

Here's a Muppet news flash. Mrs. Lola Bramswell of Covington, Kentucky, has come upon a most unique diet. For the past ten years, she has eaten nothing but seaweed. Tell us, Mrs, Bramswell, has eating only seaweed presented any problems?

No. Not really. Except that twice a day, I find myself going in and out with the tide. That's not easy to do in Kentucky.

George, George.


Do you like circuses?

Oh, I love them.

Oh, then you must like Ringling.

I don't know, I never ringled.

Will you love me forever?

I don't know, baby. Ask me again in a million years.

You know, my aunt has a chest that goes back to 1700.

Wow. That must make it tough on your uncle.


Hey. You know, they say the children of today are the parents of tomorrow.

Huh, I always thought it took longer than that.

You know what really bugs me about you?


Your temper. You're always blowing your top.

Oh, yeah?

Lena, you know, we are so pleased to have you with us on the show tonight. You have long been one of our favorites.

Oh, thank you. And I'm a big fan of you and the Muppets, Kermit.

Oh, well, that makes us all very happy, because we on the

Psst. Psst. Psst.



Hoo-ha. Hoo-ha.

Fozzie. Excuse me a minute.

- Hoo-ha. Hoo-ha, hoo-ha.

Fozzie, what is it?

What is it? It's "us" and "we" and "ours." But only you, the frog, get to talk to the guest star. Ho-ho.

Well, Fozzie, see, I'm speaking for everybody.

Oh, sure, sure. But the guest stars only get to know you. Not me.

Yeah, but

That's right. That's right. They will never know that I am a great comedian. And they will never know that my family was in show business. And and that I'm sensitive, intelligent, and - yes, I'll even say it talented.

Well, look, Fozzie, it's just that...

Excuse me. But aren't you Fozzie Bear, the great comedian?


Yes. A sensitive and intelligent person like you must be a great comedian.


Well, there you are, Fozzie, huh?

Wow,.You mean, you actually know me?

Listen. When you've made a name for yourself in show business, everybody knows you, so it's it's only natural that I would know the great Fozzie Bear.


Sure. Just as it's only natural that you would know Lena Horne.

Lena Horne? Oh, I love Lena Horne.

Yes, she's terrific, I mean, she's great. Don't you?

Yeah, I think she's terrific and great too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, she's gonna be a guest on our show one of these weeks. Mm-hm.

Fozzie, she is a guest. This week.

She's a guest this week?


On this show here?


Oh, wow, wow. That's great. I don't wanna miss Lena Horne. Are you gonna stick around and see her?

I might just do that.

Oh, yeah, I-I-I didn't get your name.

Day. Doris Day.

Cute. Cute name. You know, with a name like that, you should be in show business.

Fozzie, will you

I'll wait for you outside, Ms. Day.

I'm sorry about that, Lena. Sometimes he's just un-bear-able.

Cute. Cute-o.

Der good spaghett, Dis

here der good spaghett

Come hereski,

Is squiggly worm, Der

wiggly squiggly scoo,

Scooby doo,

Come here, Come here,


And now, once again, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo has dug deep into his limitless repertoire and has come up with an act the likes of which has never been seen before. So let's give a big hand to the great Gonzo.

OK, thank you, Tonight I present a unique version of "Pop Goes the Weasel," with a surprise ending.

Hey, it wasn't my fault! Ah, you yokels!

Gonzo, What's the matter?

Oh, gee, Ms. Horne. It's really depressing. You hear them booing out there?

Sometimes it takes a long time for an artist to be appreciated. But as long as one person appreciates you, you just gotta keep on trying. And as for me, I think you're fantastic.

I don't know what to say.

Well, listen.

In this world of ordinary people

Extraordinary people

I'm glad there is you

In this world of overrated pleasures

And underrated treasures

I'm glad there is you

I live to love

I love to live with you beside me

This role so new

I'll muddle through

with you to guide me

In this world

Where many, many play at love

And hardly any stay in love

I'm glad there is you

More than ever

I'm glad there is you

Thank you, Lena.

- You're great, Gonzo.


Boy, oh, boy. It sure is great being in the show business, chief.

Yes, Scooter, but I tell you, this isn't an easy job. Sometimes in this business you have to be ruthless, merciless and cruel.

In what way, chief?

I just cut Piggy's song from the show.

- Why?

'Cause there's no way she could follow the great Lena Horne. She'd look ludicrous.

- Yeah.

Yeah, but these are command decisions, Scooter. It's lonely at the top.

He's right. Yeah, I've gotta be ruthless, merciless and cruel.

Oh, how kind my Kermit is, not wanting me to overshadow Lena Horne.

Oh, no, no, no. He cut your number so you wouldn't look ludicrous.


I'm sorry. You see, I've gotta be ruthless, merciless and cruel.

Cruel? I'll show you cruel, kid. Hii-yah!

Kermit never told me about this part.

Part this. Hii-yah!

And now it's time for that riotous, mirthful bundle of laughs, Mr, Fozzie Bear!

Thank you. Oh, boy, oh, boy, what a fantastic audience you are. No, I mean it, I mean it, I've seen audiences come and I've seen 'em go.

Well, you're seeing 'em go now, right out the door.

Says you.

That's right.

Says you.

That's right.

Says you.

You better have a way out of this.

I do, I do.

Says you.

Sessue Hayakawa.

- Huh?

Sessue Hayakawa, a great Japanese actor. And speaking of Japanese actors, did you know "Toshiro Mifune" means "no smoking" in Japanese? Ha ha.

Well, he's either brilliant, or that's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

Ah, you can't stop the old Fozzie tonight. I'm really cooking, I'm one rare bear.

You're a square bear that ought to be served medium rare.

And now, my tribute to Marcel Marceau. An impression of a man balancing himself on one leg.

Count them. One. Here we go.

Thank you. No applause. Now Now Now a man balancing himself on no legs.


Thank you, I love you. Yes, I love you. Oh, I could stay on forever.

You stay on any longer, you'll be running into the prayer of the day.

Senior citizens, one. Bear, zero.

Hilda, would you help me find my key to the dressing room?

Oh, I am so sorry, Ms. Horne.

My head is such a pickle. I left the iron on in the costume room. I'll be back in a jiffy.

Animal. Animal, I was wondering. Would you help me find my key?

Ah. All right.

B flat.

Let's have the monsters standing by. Monsters standing by, please.

Ahem. Aren't aren't you going to be standing by, too?

No. Why?

Because you're the monster. What you said at the beginning of the show, about about Lena and me. I just got it, El Greeno,


Yeah. You meant that I couldn't follow her.

Well, Piggy, sometimes the truth hurts.

Hurt? I'll show you hurt. Hiiii-yah! Hii!

You know, there's a children's TV show that I really enjoy. Maybe you've heard of Sesame Street? Anyway, here's one of my favorite songs from that show.


Sing a song

Sing out loud

Sing out strong

Sing of good things

Not bad

Sing of happy

Not sad


Sing a song

Make it simple

To last your whole life long

Don't worry that

it's not good enough

For anyone else to hear


Sing a song

La la la-la la

La la la la-la la

La la-la

la-la la la

La la la-la la

La la la la-la la

La la-la

la-la la la


Sing a song

Make it simple

To last your whole life long

Don't worry that

it's not good enough

For anyone else to hear


Sing a song


Sing a song

La la la

la-la la-la


Well, that's it for this week's madness. And we'd like a special thanks for our special guest star Ms. Lena Horne!

Thank you, Kermit, thank you. It was fun.

Oh, good.

I was listening to Piggy sing backstage.


I think she ought to have her own spot on the show.

Really? Well, maybe next time we'll let her sing a song.

Oh, Kermit! You do love me. Give your little porker a kiss on the chops.

O death, where is thy sting? See you next time on The Muppet Show.

Author, author!

- Is he here?


- Arthur.

Go back to sleep.

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