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Episode 111: Lena Horne/transcript

< Episode 111: Lena Horne

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Theme

Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Lena Horne! Whoo!
The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!

Male chorus

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!

The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie Uh, I bet on a horse that came in so late, they had to pay the jockey time and a half. Aaaahhh.
The curtain closes.
Kermit

To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Miss Lena Horne! Aaahhh!

Muppets gather around Lena as Rowlf sits at the piano.
Kermit But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang

On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!

111gonzogong
The gong sounds like a foghorn when Gonzo hits it.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you. And good evening, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and dogs and frogs, and pigs and chickens, and welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, we are particularly happy tonight to have with us as our special guest star, the talented, the beautiful and the indefatigable Miss, Lena Horne. But right now, we're gonna start off the show with an act that was discovered by George our janitor. And here it is, right from the cleaning room into your living room, The Ragg Mopps!
Ratfink
A chorus of Muppet mops perform "Rag Mop."
George the Janitor Yeah. Now, that's my kind of act.
Applause.
Statler Well, that kind of act only comes once in a lifetime.
Waldorf If you're lucky.
Statler Heh heh.

Backstage

George and the mops pass by Kermit.
Kermit OK, OK. Good number. Good number, you guys. Good number. George, clean up your act. (chuckles)
Miss Piggy Kermit, Kermit, is it true what I've heard, that I'm not doing my song in the show tonight?
Kermit Uh, that's true.
Miss Piggy (gasp) Why?
Kermit Well, Piggy, because Lena Horne is our guest this week. And uh, how can I say this? There are singers and there are singers. You catch my drift?
111kermitpiggy
Miss Piggy Oh, and — and you don't want me to overshadow Miss Horne. Oh! Of course you're right. What a considerate frog.
She kisses him and walks away. Muppy the dog comes downstairs.
Kermit Ignorance is truly bliss. Uh, Miss Horne on next. Miss Horne on next.
A horn in a wig appears.
Kermit No, not you. (aside) The wrong Miss Horn.
He goes onstage.
111horn

"I Got a Name"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit And now it is my great pleasure to present a performer whose name is synonymous with style, taste and talent, the incredible Miss Lena Horne.
111highway
Open on a railroad station setting. Muppy walks down the track, then walks up to Lena. Lena sings "I Got a Name" with the Muppets.
Waldorf Oh, I could listen to her sing till the end of time.
Statler She doesn't sing that. Not her style. No.
Waldorf No, no, no, I mean I could listen to her sing forever.
Statler No, she doesn't sing that either.
Waldorf Why don't you just check yourself into the old fools' home while they still have a bed left?

Backstage

Kermit goes over the rundown. Muppy goes upstairs into his dressing room.
Miss Piggy Kermit, Kermit?
Kermit Yeah.
Miss Piggy My love, I've been thinking.
Kermit What?
111kermitpiggy2
Miss Piggy The consideration that you've shown Lena Horne has only reinforced my undying love for you.
Kermit Yeah.
Miss Piggy Oh, kiss me quick! (lies on his desk)
Kermit Uh, Piggy, uh …
Miss Piggy Yes? Yes?
Kermit … I appreciate the fact that you find me attractive - every frog wants to be needed - but uh, there is no room in my life for — ahem — romance at this time, thank you.
Miss Piggy (distraught) I'm crushed. I'm destroyed. My life has no meaning. It … it's over. It's over.
Kermit Piggy, uh, listen, uh…
Miss Piggy The sun will never shine on this pig. O death, death, where is thy sting? (breathes heavily)
Kermit Uh, Piggy, aren't you just overdoing it a little bit?
Miss Piggy Uh, maybe. (walks away)

Muppet newsflash

Newsman Here's a Muppet news flash. Mrs. Lola Bramswell of Covington, Kentucky, has come upon a most unique diet. For the past ten years, she has eaten nothing but seaweed.
She appears in the monitor.
Newsman Uh, tell us, Mrs. Bramswell, has eating only seaweed presented any problems?
111newsflash
Lena No. Not really. Except that … twice a day, I find myself going in and out with the tide.
Newsman That's not easy to do in Kentucky.

At the Dance

Couples dance in a ballroom. Mildred, as always, dances with George.
Mildred George, George.
George the Janitor Huh?
Mildred Do you like circuses?
George the Janitor Oh, I love them.
Mildred Oh, then you must like Ringling.
George the Janitor I don't know, I never ringled.
111dance
Zoot and Janice, not in a tree, D-A-N-C-I-N-G.
Janice Will you love me forever?
Zoot I don't know, baby. Ask me again in a million years.
Cut to the two pigs.
Miss Piggy (RH) You know, my aunt has a chest that goes back to 1700.
Pig (RH) Wow. That must make it tough on your uncle.
Miss Piggy (RH) Yes.
Back to George and Mildred.
George the Janitor Hey. You know, they say the children of today are the parents of tomorrow.
Mildred Huh. I always thought it took longer than that.
Cut to another couple.
Woman You know what really bugs me about you?
Blue Frackle What?
Woman Your temper. You're always blowing your top.
Blue Frackle Oh, yeah?
BOOM! His head explodes.

UK spot

111lovestory
Zoot and Rowlf play the "Theme from Love Story." Rowlf sobs towards the end.

Talk spot

Kermit Hey Lena, you know, we are so pleased to have you with us on the show tonight. You have long been one of our favorites.
Lena Oh, thank you. And I'm a big fan of you and the Muppets, Kermit.
Kermit Oh, well, that makes us all very happy, because we on the — we…
He notices Fozzie, peering from the other side.
Fozzie Psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Hoo-ha. Hoo-ha.
Kermit Fozzie. Excuse me a minute.
Fozzie Hoo-ha. Hoo-ha, hoo-ha.
Kermit Fozzie, what is it?
Fozzie (standoffish) What is it? It's "us" and "we" and "ours." But only you, the frog, get to talk to the guest star. Ho-ho.
Kermit Well, Fozzie, see, I'm speaking for everybody.
Fozzie Oh, sure, sure. But, but the guest stars only get to know you. Not me. Humph!
Kermit Yeah, but um …
Fozzie That's right. That's right. Ha, you know, they will never know that I am a great comedian. And, and they will never know that, that my family was in show business. And and that I'm sensitive, intelligent, and - yes, I'll even say it — talented.
Kermit Well, look, Fozzie, it's just that...
Lena Excuse me, um, but aren't you Fozzie Bear, the great comedian?
Fozzie (takes off his hat) What?
Lena Yes. A sensitive and intelligent person like you must be a great comedian.
Fozzie Oh.
Kermit See? There you are, Fozzie, huh?
111talkspot
Fozzie Wow. You mean, you actually know me?
Lena Listen, when you've made a name for yourself in show business, everybody knows you, so it's it's only natural that I would know the great Fozzie Bear.
Fozzie Ah.
Kermit Sure. Just as it's only natural that you would know Lena Horne.
Fozzie Oh — Lena Horne? Oh, I love Lena Horne. Yes, she's terrific, I mean, she's great. (to Lena) Don't you?
Lena Yeah, I think she's terrific and great too.
Fozzie Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, she's gonna be a guest on our show one of these weeks. Mm-hm.
Kermit Uh, Fozzie, uh, she is a guest. This week.
Fozzie She — hubba- — she's a guest this week? On this show here?
Kermit Yes. Mm-hm.
Fozzie Oh, wow, wow. That's great. I don't wanna miss Lena Horne. (to Lena) Are you gonna stick around and see her?
Lena I might just do that.
Fozzie Oh, yeah. I, uh, I didn't get your name.
Lena Day. Doris Day.
Fozzie (to Kermit) Cute. Cute name. (to Lena) You know, with a name like that, you should be in show business.
Kermit (blows his top) FOZZIE, WILL YOU GET OUTTA HERE??
Fozzie I'll wait for you outside, Miss Day. (exits)
Kermit I'm sorry about that, Lena. Sometimes he's just un-bear-able.
Lena Cute. Cute joke.

The Swedish Chef

Open on the Chef with two spoons.
Swedish Chef (sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
He tosses them aside and displays the plate of spaghetti.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … der gøøt spåggëtt. Dis here der gøøt spåggëtt, (tastes it).
He displays the saucepan. The spaghetti moves off the plate.
Living Spaghetti 111chef
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) Cøme hëre … (mock Swedish) … de wïggly squïggly scøøp. … (mock Swedish)
He goes back to the saucepan. The spaghetti moves off the plate again. He directs it back, then spanks it with a wooden spoon. The spaghetti growls, then attacks him.

"I'm Glad There Is You"

Kermit And now, once again, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo has dug deep into his limitless repertoire, and has come up with an act the likes of which has never been seen before! So let's give a big hand to the great Gonzo.
A fanfare plays. Gonzo runs onstage holding a balloon.
TMS111-Gonzo1
Gonzo OK, thank you, Tonight I present a unique version of "Pop Goes the Weasel" — (hides the balloon) — uh, with a surprise ending.
Animal runs on stage and pops the balloon. The audience boos.
Gonzo Hey, it wasn't my fault! Aww, you yokels! I quit!
He walks offstage. The audience boos and throws things at Animal. Gonzo enters the dressing room and bangs his head on the door. Lena notices him.
Lena Gonzo. What's the matter?
TMS111-Gonzo2
Gonzo Oh, gee, Miss Horne. It's really depressing. (sigh) You hear them booing out there?
Lena Sometimes it takes a long time for an artist to be appreciated. But — as long as one person appreciates you, you just gotta keep on trying. And as for me, I think you're fantastic.
Gonzo I don't know what to say.
Music swells up.
Lena Well, listen.

In this world of ordinary people,
Extraordinary people,
I'm glad there is you.
In this world of overrated pleasures,
And underrated treasures,
I'm glad there is you.

Gonzo

I live to love.
I love to live with you beside me.
This role so new, I'll muddle through
With you to guide me.

Lena

In this world where many, many play at love,
And hardly any stay in love,
I'm glad there is you.

Lena & Gonzo

More than ever,
I'm glad there is you.

They hug.
Gonzo Thank you, Lena.
Lena You're great, Gonzo.
Gonzo Aww.
Applause.
111lenagonzo

Backstage

Kermit sits at his desk. Scooter approaches.
Scooter Boy, oh, boy. It sure is great being in the show business, chief.
Kermit Yes, Scooter, but I tell you, this isn't an easy job. Sometimes in this business you have to be ruthless, merciless and cruel.
Scooter In what way, chief?
Kermit Well, I just cut Piggy's song from the show.
Scooter Why?
Kermit 'Cause there's no way she could follow the great Lena Horne. She'd look ludicrous.
Scooter Yeah.
Kermit Yeah, but these are command decisions, Scooter. It's lonely at the top.
Scooter He's right. Yeah! I've gotta be ruthless, merciless and cruel.
Miss Piggy Oh, how kind my Kermit is, not wanting me to overshadow Lena Horne.
111scooterpiggy
Scooter Oh, no, no, no. He cut your number so you wouldn't look ludicrous.
Miss Piggy WHAT??
Scooter I'm sorry. You see, I've gotta be ruthless, merciless and cruel.
Miss Piggy Cruel? I'll show you cruel, kid. Hi-YAH!
She karate-chops him.
Scooter Kermit never told me about this part.
Miss Piggy Part this! Hi-YAH!
Another karate-chop.

Fozzie's comedy act

Kermit And now it's time for that riotous, mirthful bundle of laughs, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
The curtain opens as Fozzie's fanfare plays.
Fozzie Mwah! Mwah! Thank you. Oh, boy, oh, boy, what a fantastic audience you are! No, I mean it, I mean it! I've seen audiences come and I've seen 'em go.
Waldorf Well, you're seeing 'em go now, right out the door.
Statler & Waldorf (laughing)
Fozzie Says you.
Waldorf That's right.
Fozzie Says you!
Waldorf That's right.
Fozzie Says you!
Statler Well, you better have a way out of this.
Fozzie I do, I do.
Waldorf Says you.
Fozzie Sezu Hayakawa.
Statler & Waldorf Huh?
111fozzie2
Fozzie Sezu Hayakawa, a great Japanese actor. (takes off hat) And speaking of Japanese actors, did you know "Toshiro Mifume" means "no smoking" in Japanese? (wiggles his ears) Aaaahhh.
Statler Well, he's either brilliant, or that's the dumbest thing I ever heard.
Fozzie Ah, you can't stop the old Fozzie tonight! I'm really cooking, I'm one rare bear! Aaahhh!
Waldorf You're a square bear that ought to be served medium rare.
Statler & Waldorf (laughing)
Fozzie And now, my tribute to Marcel Marceau. An impression of a man balancing himself on one leg. Count them. One. Here we go. (balances) Thank you. No applause. Now … now, now, a man balancing himself on no legs. (falls down, then gets up) Thank you, I love you. Yes, I love you. Mwah! Oh, I could stay on forever.
Waldorf You stay on any longer, you'll be running into the prayer of the day.
Statler & Waldorf (laughing)
Fozzie Senior citizens, one. Bear, zero. (shrugs)

Blackout

Lena Hilda, would you help me find my key to the dressing room?
Hilda Oh, I am so sorry, Miss Horne. My head is such a pickle. I left the iron on in the costume room. I'll be back in a jiffy.
Hilda exits. Animal walks by with a mallet.
Lena Animal. Animal, I was wondering. Would you help me find my key?
Animal Ah. All right.
He whacks her on the foot. She screams.
Animal B flat.
111blackout

Backstage

Kermit (through the intercom) Let's have the monsters standing by. Monsters standing by, please.
Miss Piggy Ahem. Aren't, uh, aren't you going to be standing by, too?
Kermit Uh, no. Why?
Miss Piggy Because you're the monster. What you said at the beginning of the show, about — about Lena and me. I just got it, El Greeno.
111kermitpiggy3
Kermit Uh, well —
Miss Piggy Yeah — you meant that I couldn't follow her. (growls)
Kermit Well, Piggy, sometimes the truth hurts.
Miss Piggy Hurt? I'll show you hurt! Hi-YAH!
She karate-chops him, then stomps on him and walks off.

"Sing"

Lena is at the piano with the Muppets. Rowlf plays.
Lena You know, there's a children's TV show that I really enjoy. Maybe you've heard of Sesame Street?
The Muppets nod.
Lena Anyway, here's one of my favorite songs from that show.
She and the Muppets perform "Sing".
111sing

Goodnights

Kermit Well, that's it for this week's madness. Hey, we'd like a special thanks for our special guest star, Miss Lena Horne! Yaaay.
Lena Thank you, Kermit, thank you. It was fun.
Kermit Oh, good.
Lena Uh, I was listening to Piggy sing backstage.
Kermit Mm-hm.
Lena I think she ought to have her own spot on the show.
Kermit Oh, really? Well, maybe next time we'll let her sing a song.
111closing
Miss Piggy Oh, Kermit! You do love me. Oh! Give your little porker a kiss on the chops.
Kermit O death, where is thy sting?
She showers Kermit with kissy-kissys. Lena laughs.
Hilda Eh, see you next time on The Muppet Show.
The Muppets gather onstage as the credits roll. Waldorf dozes.
Statler Author, author!
Waldorf Is he here?
Statler Hm? Who?
Waldorf Arthur.
Statler Aw, go back to sleep.
Waldorf dozes.
ATV
THE END

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