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Episode 111: Lena Horne/transcript

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It's The Muppet Show, with our

special guest star Ms, Lena Horne!

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

on The Muppet Show tonight

Uh, I bet on a horse that came in so late

they had to pay the jockey time and a half,

Ha ha,

To introduce our guest star

That's what I'm here to do

So it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

Ms, Lena Horne!

But now let's get things started

on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

This is what we call

The Muppet Show

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

And good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls, and dogs and frogs,

and pigs and chickens, and

welcome to The Muppet Show.

Hey, we are particularly happy tonight

to have with us as our special guest star

the talented, the beautifuI and

the indefatigable Ms, Lena Horne,

But right now, we're gonna

start off the show with an act

that was discovered

by George our janitor,

And here it is, right from the cleaning

room into your living room, The Ragg Mopps!

M

I say M, O

M, O, P

M, O, P, P

Mopp

M, O, P, P Mopp, mopp, mopp, mopp

R

I say R, A

R, A, G

R, A, G, G

Ragg

R, A, G, G, M, O, P, P

Ragg mopp

Ragg mopp

Ragg mopp

� Ragg mopp

� Ragg mopp

R, A, G, G, M, O, P, P

Ragg mopp

A

I say A, B

A, B, C

A, B, C, D

A, B, C, D, E

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H

- # Ragg mopp - #

Doo-de-dup dah dee-yadah

- # Ragg mopp - #

Doo-de-dup dah dee-yadah

- # Ragg mopp - #

Doo-de-dup dah dee-yadah

- # Ragg mopp - #

Doo-de-dup dah dee-yadah

- # Ragg mopp - #

Doo-de-dup dah dee-yadah

R, A, G, G, M, O, P, P

Ragg mopp

Yeah, Now, that's my kind of act,

That kind of act only

comes once in a lifetime,

If you're lucky,

OK, OK, Good number, Good

number, you guys, Good number,

George, clean up your act,

Kermit, Kermit, is it

true what I've heard,

that I'm not doing my

song in the show tonight?

That's true,

- Why?

Well, Piggy, because Lena

Horne is our guest this week,

And how can I say this? There

are singers and there are singers,

You catch my drift?

Oh, and and you don't want

me to overshadow Ms, Horne,

Oh, of course you're right,

What a considerate frog,

Oh,

Ignorance is truly bliss,

Ms, Horne on next, Ms, Horne on next,

No, not you, The wrong Ms, Horne,

And now it is my great

pleasure to present a performer

whose name is synonymous

with style, taste and talent,

the incredible Ms, Lena Horne,

Like the pine trees

lining a winding road

I've got a name

I've got a name

Like the singing bird

or the croaking toad

I've got a name

I've got a name

And I carry it with me

Like my daddy did

But I'm living a dream

That he kept hid

Moving me down the highway

Rolling me down the highway

Moving ahead so life

Won't pass me by

Like the fooI I am

And I'll always be

I've got a dream

I've got a dream

They can change their minds

But they can't change

me, no, no, no, no

I've got a dream, yeah

I've got a dream

I know I could share it

If you want me to

If you're going my way

I'll go with you

Moving me down the highway

Rolling me down the highway

Moving ahead so life

Won't pass me by

Oh, oh, oh, yeah

Moving me down the highway

Rolling me down the highway

Moving ahead so life

Won't pass me by

I could listen to her

sing till the end of time,

She doesn't sing that,

Not her style, No,

No, no, no, I mean I could

listen to her sing forever,

No, she doesn't sing that either,

Why don't you just check

yourself into the old fools' home

while they still have a bed left?

Kermit, Kermit?

- Yeah,

My love, I've been thinking,

- What?

The consideration that

you've shown Lena Horne

has only reinforced my

undying love for you,

Yeah,

- Oh, kiss me quick!

Piggy, I appreciate the fact that you find me

attractive - every frog wants to be needed -

but there is no room in my life

for romance at this time, thank you,

Oh, I'm crushed,

I'm destroyed, My life

has no meaning, It

It-it's over, It's

over, - Piggy, listen

The sun will never shine on this pig,

O death, death, where is thy sting?

Uh

Uh, Piggy, aren't you just

overdoing it a little bit?

Uh, maybe,

Here's a Muppet news flash,

Mrs, Lola Bramswell

of Covington, Kentucky,

has come upon a most unique diet,

For the past ten years, she

has eaten nothing but seaweed,

Tell us, Mrs, Bramswell, has eating

only seaweed presented any problems?

No, Not really,

Except that twice a day, I find

myself going in and out with the tide,

That's not easy to do in Kentucky,

George, George,

- Huh?

Do you like circuses?

- Oh, I love them,

Oh, then you must like Ringling,

- I don't know, I never ringled,

Will you love me forever?

I don't know, baby, Ask me

again in a million years,

You know, my aunt has a

chest that goes back to 1 700,

Wow, That must make

it tough on your uncle,

Yes

Hey, You know, they say the children

of today are the parents of tomorrow,

Huh, I always thought

it took longer than that,

You know what really

bugs me about you?

What?

- Your temper,

You're always blowing your top,

- Oh, yeah?

Lena, you know, we are so pleased to

have you with us on the show tonight,

You have long been

one of our favorites,

Oh, thank you, And I'm a big fan

of you and the Muppets, Kermit,

Oh, well, that makes

us all very happy,

because we on the

- Psst, Psst, Psst,

We - Psst,

Hoo-ha, Hoo-ha,

Fozzie, Excuse me a minute,

- Hoo-ha, Hoo-ha, hoo-ha,

Fozzie, what is it?

- What is it?

It's "us" and "we" and "ours,"

But only you, the frog, get to

talk to the guest star, Ho-ho,

Well, Fozzie, see, I'm

speaking for everybody,

Oh, sure, sure, But the guest

stars only get to know you,

Not me,

Yeah, but

- That's right, That's right,

They will never know that

I am a great comedian,

And they will never know that

that my family was in show business,

And and that I'm sensitive, intelligent,

and - yes, I'll even say it - talented,

Well, look, Fozzie, it's just that

- Excuse me,

But aren't you Fozzie

Bear, the great comedian?

What?

Yes, A sensitive and intelligent person

like you must be a great comedian,

Oh,

Well, there you are, Fozzie, huh?

Wow, You mean, you actually know me?

Listen, When you've made a name

for yourself in show business,

everybody knows you, so it's

it's only naturaI that I would

know the great Fozzie Bear,

Ah,

Sure, Just as it's only naturaI

that you would know Lena Horne,

Lena Horne? Oh, I love Lena Horne,

Yes, she's terrific, I

mean, she's great, Don't you?

Yeah, I think she's terrific and great too,

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,

You know, she's gonna be a guest on

our show one of these weeks, Mm-hm,

Fozzie, she is a guest,

This week,

She's a guest this week?

- Yes,

On this show

here? - Mm-hm,

Oh, wow, wow, That's great,

I don't wanna miss Lena Horne, Are

you gonna stick around and see her?

I might just do that,

- Oh, yeah,

I-I-I didn't

get your name,

Day, Doris Day,

Cute, Cute name, You know, with a name

like that, you should be in show business,

Fozzie, will you

I'll wait for you outside, Ms, Day,

I'm sorry about that, Lena,

Sometimes he's just un-bear-able,

Cute, Cute-o,

Der good spaghett, Dis

here der good spaghett

Come hereski,

Is squiggly worm, Der

wiggly squiggly scoo,

Scooby doo,

Come here, Come here,

Thankoo,

And now, once again,

ladies and gentlemen,

the Great Gonzo has dug deep

into his limitless repertoire

and has come up with an act the likes

of which has never been seen before,

So let's give a big

hand to the great Gonzo,

OK, thank you, Tonight I present a

unique version of "Pop Goes the WeaseI,"

with a surprise ending,

Hey, it wasn't my fault!

Ah, you yokels!

Gonzo, What's the matter?

Oh, gee, Ms, Horne,

It's really depressing,

You hear them booing out there?

Sometimes it takes a long time

for an artist to be appreciated,

But as long as one person appreciates

you, you just gotta keep on trying,

And as for me, I

think you're fantastic,

I don't know what to say,

- Well, listen,

In this world of ordinary people

Extraordinary people

I'm glad there is you

In this world of overrated pleasures

And underrated treasures

I'm glad there is you

I live to love

I love to live with you beside me

This role so new

I'll muddle through

with you to guide me

In this world

Where many, many play at love

And hardly any stay in love

I'm glad there is you

More than ever

I'm glad there is you

Thank you, Lena,

- You're great, Gonzo,

Ahh!

Boy, oh, boy,

It sure is great being in

the show business, chief,

Yes, Scooter, but I tell

you, this isn't an easy job,

Sometimes in this business you have

to be ruthless, merciless and crueI,

In what way, chief?

I just cut Piggy's song from the show,

- Why?

'Cause there's no way she could

follow the great Lena Horne,

She'd look ludicrous,

- Yeah,

Yeah, but these are

command decisions, Scooter,

It's lonely at the top,

He's right, Yeah, I've gotta be

ruthless, merciless and crueI,

Oh, how kind my Kermit is,

not wanting me to

overshadow Lena Horne,

Oh, no, no, no,

He cut your number so you

wouldn't look ludicrous,

What?

- I'm sorry,

You see, I've gotta be

ruthless, merciless and crueI,

CrueI? I'll show you crueI, kid,

Hii-yah!

Kermit never told me about this part,

Part this, Hii-yah!

And now it's time for that riotous,

mirthfuI bundle of laughs, Mr, Fozzie Bear!

Thank you, Oh, boy, oh, boy,

what a fantastic audience you are,

No, I mean it, I mean it, I've seen

audiences come and I've seen 'em go,

Well, you're seeing 'em

go now, right out the door,

Says you,

- That's right,

Says you,

- That's right,

Says you,

- You better have a way out of this,

I do, I do,

- Says you,

Sessue Hayakawa,

- Huh?

Sessue Hayakawa, a

great Japanese actor,

And speaking of Japanese actors,

did you know "Toshiro Mifune"

means "no smoking" in Japanese?

Ha ha,

Well, he's either brilliant, or

that's the dumbest thing I ever heard,

Ah, you can't stop

the old Fozzie tonight,

I'm really cooking, I'm one rare bear,

You're a square bear that

ought to be served medium rare,

And now, my tribute to MarceI Marceau,

An impression of a man

balancing himself on one leg,

Count them, One, Here we go,

Thank you, No applause, Now Now

Now a man balancing

himself on no legs,

Argh!

Thank you, I love you, Yes, I love

you, Oh, I could stay on forever,

You stay on any longer, you'll be

running into the prayer of the day,

Senior citizens, one, Bear, zero,

Hilda, would you help me find

my key to the dressing room?

Oh, I am so sorry, Ms, Horne,

My head is such a pickle,

I left the iron on

in the costume room,

I'll be back in a jiffy,

AnimaI,

AnimaI, I was wondering,

Would you help me find my key?

Ah, All right,

B flat,

Let's have the monsters standing

by, Monsters standing by, please,

Ahem, Aren't aren't you

going to be standing by, too?

No, Why?

Because you're the monster,

What you said at the

beginning of the show,

about about Lena and me,

I just got it, El Greeno,

- Well

Yeah, You meant that I couldn't

follow her,

Well, Piggy, sometimes

the truth hurts,

Hurt? I'll show you hurt,

Hiiii-yah!

Hii!

You know, there's a children's

TV show that I really enjoy,

Maybe you've heard of Sesame Street?

Anyway, here's one of my

favorite songs from that show,

Sing

Sing a song

Sing out loud

Sing out strong

Sing of good things

Not bad

Sing of happy

Not sad

Sing

Sing a song

Make it simple

To last your whole life long

Don't worry that

it's not good enough

For anyone else to hear

Sing

Sing a song

La la la-la la

La la la la-la la

La la-la

la-la la la

La la la-la la

La la la la-la la

La la-la

la-la la la

Sing

Sing a song

Make it simple

To last your whole life long

Don't worry that

it's not good enough

For anyone else to hear

Sing

Sing a song

Sing

Sing a song

La la la

la-la la-la

Mm

Well, that's it for

this week's madness,

And we'd like a special thanks for

our special guest star Ms, Lena Horne!

Thank you, Kermit,

thank you, It was fun,

Oh, good,

I was listening to Piggy

sing backstage, - Hm-mm,

I think she ought to have

her own spot on the show,

Really? Well, maybe next time

we'll let her sing a song,

Oh, Kermit!

You do love me,

Give your little porker

a kiss on the chops,

O death, where is thy sting?

See you next time on The Muppet Show.

Author, author!

- Is he here?

Who?

- Arthur,

Go back to sleep,

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