Episode 110: Harvey Korman/transcript

Theme

	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Harvey Korman!
	The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls	It's time to play the music It's time to light the lights It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus	It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to raise the curtain On The Muppet Show tonight!
	The curtain opens on Fozzie, who takes off his hat.
Fozzie	My house is so dirty, my dog buries his bones in the living room carpet. I don't understand it either. (shrugs)
	The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit	To introduce our guest star, That's what I'm here to do! So it really makes me happy To introduce to you — Mr. Harvey Korman!
	Harvey and Miss Piggy whisper to each other.
Kermit	But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang	On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational This is what we call The Muppet Show!
	Gonzo hits the O and it shatters.

Opening number

	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello, everybody, and welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, we got a great show for you tonight, and our special guest is one of the funniest people in the business, Harvey Korman. But right now, we'd like to open the show tonight on a high note —
	Someone blows a trumpet in his ear.
	Meanwhile in the balcony …
Statler	Well, that's better than opening it with a bang.
	Enter Crazy Harry, with a detonator.
Crazy Harry	(laughing) Did somebody say "bang"?
Waldorf	No!
	WHAP! Waldorf karate-chops him.
Crazy Harry	Aw, you can't win 'em all.
	WHAP! Waldorf karate-chops him again.
Kermit	Will you hold it down up there, please? Right now let's get things started with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.
	Dissolve to the band; zoom out on Dr. Teeth's gold tooth.
Dr. Teeth	Yeah, this is Dr. Teeth, and it's time to boogie! Three, four!
	The band starts playing. During the song, several explosions happen on-stage.
Dr. Teeth	I'm gonna explode an atom bomb … (BOOM!) And blow a hole in your soul. I'm gonna explode an atom bomb, (BOOM!) And blow a hole in your soul. I'm gonna get through to you, baby, Before I lose control!
	Solo.
Dr. Teeth	I'll break down your resistance with every trick in sight. I know I'm gonna make you happy, baby — I'm gonna light some dynamite! … and blow open your heart. (BOOM!) I'm gonna light some dynamite — (BOOM!) And blow open your heart. I'm gonna light some dynamite, And blast a tunnel to your love!! (BOOM!)
	The smoke from the last explosion makes them cough.
Floyd	That's heavy, man.
Animal	I like that.
Statler	Well, that was a great number. I've always liked pantomime.
Waldorf	That wasn't pantomime. Your hearing aid's busted again.
Statler	What?

Meet Animal

	Kermit stands next to Animal at the drums.
Animal	(panting)
Kermit	Uh, I thought uh, some of you might like to know a little bit more uh, about our drummer, whom we affectionately refer to as Animal.
Animal	Animal. Haaaahhh.
Kermit	That's his name, actually. Uh, Animal, uh, why don't you tell our audience, how long have you been playing the drums?
Animal	Uh… uh … (bangs his head on the snare as Kermit counts)
Kermit	One. Two. Three. Four. Five. For five years.
Animal	Yeah. Five.
Kermit	Yes. OK. Well, I guess uh, your drums uh, mean a great deal to you, huh?
Animal	Oh, yeah. (kisses them) Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah. Mwah. Oh, nice.
Kermit	You like 'em more than food, I guess, huh?
Animal	They are food. Eat drums, eat cymbals.
Kermit	(chuckles) How symbolic.
Animal	BAD PUN!!!
Kermit	Ahem. Yeah. Uh, listen, I imagine you have a lot of idols, uh …
Animal	(nods) Oh, yeah, yeah.
Kermit	Buddy Rich?
Animal	Oh, yeah, yeah.
Kermit	Gene Krupa?
Animal	Yeah. Krupa. Krupa.
Kermit	Tony Checkers?
Animal	Ton — wha?
Kermit	He's our new drummer. He begins next week.
	Animal attacks Kermit by drumming on him.
Kermit	(gets up) Then again, maybe not.

Talking Houses

	Zoom in on the two left houses.
House 1	My insides are killing me!
House 2	Oh, ulcers?
House 1	No. Movers.
	Zoom out. Musical button.

Circus act

	Main stage. Kermit enters in a tux.
Kermit	Ladies and gentlemen, we present now what is considered to be the most dangerous animal act in the entire world. The incomparable Harvey Korman, better known as Maurice the Magnificent!
	Open on Harvey in a circus ring, standing next to a cage.
Harvey	(cracks the whip) Hyah! (reacts to the whip-crack, then to the applause) Thank you. Now, please, shh! Shh! You must keep quiet. You don't know, but the thing goes berserk when it hears loud noises. (snarls) I hate this. But, let's get it over with. Open the cage!
	The cage door opens. Harvey winces at what he sees inside.
Harvey	It looks particularly vicious this evening. What a horrible animal. Well, I must ask you - this is very important - when it comes out, don't anyone scream. It'll tear us all to ribbons if anyone screams. Shh! … All right. (cracks the whip) Out! Out, you demon! Out!
	Gentle Thog peers out.
Harvey	Well, this is — Shh! Someone, someone check — someone check the first row. I think the lady fainted!
	Thog waddles over; Harvey quickly stops him.
Harvey	No, no, no, no, no! Not you, you demon. (crack!) Back! I said back. Back! Back! Sit, you demon! Sit! Over here, you!
	Thog sits on the platform.
Harvey	Now … listen to me.
	Thog raises an ear.
Harvey	Give me your full attention.
	Thog raises the other ear. Harvey winces.
Harvey	Speak. Speak, you demon, speak! (crack!)
Thog	(lowers ears) I hardly know where to begin.
Harvey	Aaah! (crack!)
Thog	I was rereading Balzac the other day, only in translation…
Harvey	Enough! (crack!)
Thog	Mm, you're very good with that whip, Morris.
Harvey	Quiet! (crack!)
Thog	Morris is such a good animal trainer. He got so much patience and courage and persistence …
Harvey	Shut up!! (crack!) You're a black-hearted hell hound!!
Thog	And love. (nuzzles up to him) What a sweet man.
Harvey	Get away from me! Get away! (crack!) Now, boy, listen to me. Here's the best part. I hate it, but it's the best part. Listen, boy. I want you to dance. Dance, you demon, dance! (crack!) Come on, dance. Move it!
	Music plays as Thog dances.
Harvey	Dance, ballerina, dance! Move it! That's it. More lyric. That's it.
Thog	This is really an easy trick. I wanted to ride a pony around the stage, buts Morris is afraid of ponies.
Harvey	Dance. Come on, you meaty lummox! Dance! Dance! Waltz. … Dance, you beast. … What are you doing?
	Thog begins to waltz with Harvey, twirling him around.
Harvey	What are you doing? What are you doing? No! No! Somebody stop him. Somebody stop him! Help! Help! Help! He's run amuck! He's run amuck! Someone help me! Help!
	Thog lets go of Harvey as the music ends. Harvey ends up in the cage. Thog takes a bow.
Thog	Thank you. Thank you.
	Applause.

Panel Discussion

	The panelists chit-chat as the theme music plays.
Kermit	OK, uh, once again it is time to raise — just a second, uh, everyone. Once again, it's time to raise the intellectual level of the program, as we address ourselves to the topic, "What is the meaning of life?"
Panelists	(random) Indeed. Of course. Hear hear.
Kermit	It's a fairly simple subject. Uh, let's start off with our guest panelist, Mr. Harvey Korman.
Harvey	Thank you. I think that life is a great deal, like a tennis game.
Miss Piggy (RH)	Oh, no it isn't.
Harvey	(femme voice) Oh, yes it is.
Miss Piggy (RH)	No, it isn't.
Harvey	Yes it is.
Miss Piggy (RH)	No it isn't.
Harvey	Yes it is.
Miss Piggy (RH)	Life is nothing like a tennis game.
Harvey	In a pig's eye it isn't!
Miss Piggy (RH)	Is that some kind of slam at me?
Kermit	The ball is in your court, Harvey. The score is pig, five, guest, nothing.
Harvey	Well, it's the first time that pig's scored in her life. (points at her and laughs)
	They start talking over each other.
Miss Piggy (RH)	(shuffles towards Harvey) Wait a minute, wait a minute — Out of the way. Let me get through there.
Kermit	No, no, wait a minute, uh …
Pig panelist	Listen, that's my sister!
Kermit	Can we have a little order here, please?
Whatnot	Yeah, I'll have a ham and cheese on rye.
Pig panelist	That is the most insulting thing I ever heard. Listen, life is a garbage dump, if you want the truth.
Harvey	I think that my original analysis that life is a tennis game will stand up.
Whatnot	Well, I'm standing up. I'm sick of …
Miss Piggy (RH)	Please, sit down, sit down. You really think life is like a tennis game, huh?
Whatnot	Is a pig pork?
Miss Piggy (RH)	What's that supposed to mean?
Whatnot	Yeah, it means, uh, yes, I agree, of course. Life is like a tennis game. That's as clear as the nose on your face. That's some honker you got there.
Miss Piggy (RH)	How would you like a pig knuckle sandwich, you …
Whatnot	Oh, take it to the deli, lady.
Kermit	Please, please, uh … we are digressing, we are digressing. Can we at last get back to the issue? And the issue is life.
Harvey	Oh, I have the last issue of Life.
Muppets	What?
Harvey	Yeah, before they stopped publishing. Could be worth a pretty penny.
Pig panelist	Hey, I knew a pretty Penny once. Penny Ferguson. Used to be a dancer.
Harvey	I love to dance.
Pig panelist	Hey, what are you doing after the show?
Harvey	I've got a date.
Pig panelist	Oh, well.
Muppets	That's life.
Kermit	Well, once again we've solved the problem.
Panelists	We did. We solved it. (they chit-chat)
Kermit	Join us again next week when our subject will be, "Is conversation a dying art?"
	The four Muppets collapse on the table, jokingly feigning death. Harvey shakes his head as the closing music plays.
Waldorf	Yeah, you can get quite an education watching this show.
	A beat.
Statler	Are we watching the same show?

At the Dance

	Couples dance in a ballroom. George dances with Mildred.
Mildred	Oh, my beloved George, even though we come from two different worlds I find myself strangely attracted to you.
George the janitor	Yeah. I feel the same way.
Mildred	(gasp) You mean, you're attracted to me?
George the janitor	No. To me. Weird, huh?
	Miss Piggy dances with another pig.
Pig	Say, how do you think I'd look in a porkpie hat?
Miss Piggy (RH)	(gasp) Oh, no, you couldn't! It'd be like wearing one of our relatives.
	Zoot dances with Janice.
Zoot	Hey, do you wanna come over to my place and listen to the Beatles?
Janice	Oh, I love their music.
Zoot	What music? I mean real beetles. And some termites, and some ticks …
	Rowlf dances with a woman.
Rowlf	Boy, does that guy have a swelled head.
Woman	Conceited, huh?
Rowlf	No, he's just got a swelled head. Look out!
	POP! The man's head explodes. His partner screams.

Backstage

	Harvey comes downstairs. Rowlf runs up to him, accompanied by Muppy.
Rowlf	Hi, Harvey. Hey, you know what? You know, we've been up all night worrying about ecology.
Muppy	(barks)
Harvey	(annoyed) I'm right in the middle of a show. I don't have time to worry about ecology.
Rowlf	Well, it's easy for you, but if all those trees go, we're in big trouble. (exits)
Harvey	(sarcastic) It's really great working with dogs.
	Muppy gnaws at Harvey's hand.
Harvey	Oh yeah?
	Harvey bites back, scaring Muppy away.

Veterinarian's Hospital

	Open on Miss Piggy, noodling around with some of the medical equiptment before joining the other medics around the operating table, where a blue Whatnot man lays, trembling.
Announcer	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
	Dr. Bob wipes and blows his nose with his scrubs.
Rowlf	Anesthetic!
Piggy	Anesthetic, Dr. Bob.
Patient	Uh, is this operation really nec-
	BONK! Dr. Bob applies the anesthetic - hitting the patient over the head with a mallet. The patient is out cold and Dr. Bob tosses the mallet away.
Rowlf	Scalpel. No, suture! Suture.
Janice	Suture, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf	Suture, suture. There, hmm. Scalpel!
Piggy	Scalpel, Dr. Bob.
	She forcefully plants it in Dr. Bob's hands.
Rowlf	AHHH!
Piggy	Ooo...
Rowlf	How long have you been a nurse?!
Piggy	Well, uh, what time is it?
Rowlf	(flabbergasted stammering)
	Dr. Bob begins the operation, trembling.
Janice	Dr. Bob, your hand is shaking! What's the trouble?
Rowlf	It's my nerves - I'm over worked and under payed! This is my tenth operation today, the hours are interminable!
Piggy	Yes, but we must get on with this operation. This man has a bad case of hiccups. It must be gas!
	The patient lets out a loud hiccup - his chest bubbles.
Piggy	Oh, he's in bad shape!
Rowlf	"He's in bad shape?" What about me?! Doesn't anybody ever think about me?!
Patient	(hiccups)
Janice	Uh, we're losing time, Dr. Bob!
Rowlf	SO?! I'm losin' my mind! Day in and day out, it's the same old routine!
Patient	(hiccups)
Piggy	Oh, oh, but Dr. Bob...
Rowlf	I'm up to my ears in debt, my wife is leavin' me, I'm bein' sued for malpractice, and all you can say is, "But, Dr. Bob!"
Patient	(hiccups)
Piggy & Janice	But, Dr. Bob!
Rowlf	I tell ya', I tell ya', I'm so on edge I'm about to explode!
	The patient's chest as ballooned and lets out one more hiccup, causing his entire torso to explode.
Announcer	So Dr. Bob is going to pieces, and so is his patient. Tune in next week when we'll hear the nurse say...
Piggy	Dr. Bob, you've gotta pull yourself together!
Rowlf	I'll try!
Piggy	Not you - him!
Patient	I better quit while I'm a head.

Wayne and Wanda

	Sam the Eagle fixes his head feathers, then acknowledges the audience.
Sam	Oh, ahem. I often get a tear in my eye when I introduce this next act. Oh. (wipes away a tear) Oh! There's one right there, you see? You see, because they represent to me the very best this show has to offer - indeed, the very best this country has to offer. So, here they are now, just as sweet offstage as they are on - Wayne and Wanda! Oh, I need a hanky. (exits)
	The curtains open on Wayne and Wanda, in front of a river backdrop with a bottle of champagne chilling on a table next to them. Wayne offers Wanda a glass as she begins to sing. As she sings, she constantly blocks Wayne from the audience's view, frustrating him.
Wanda	I get no kick from champagne Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all So tell me why should it be true' That I get a kick - OW!
	Wayne kicks Wanda off the stage and exits as the curtains close. Sam enters, wiping his eyes with his hanky.
Sam	Uh, you see wh-oh... (exits, embarrassed)

"Halfway Down the Stairs"

	Robin the Frog sits on an isolated staircase, signing "Halfway Down the Stairs."

Goodnights

All right, everybody, let's jam.

Jam! Jam!

Do it, Animal!

Jam!

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Mmm.

Yeah!

Whoa, I love him!

Come on! Yeah!

Jam!

Ow!

Yeah!

Jam! Jam!

Yeah!

Jam!

- All right!

Wah!

Yeah!

Jam!

Jam!

- Whoo!

Jam!

- Go, Animal!

Jam!

Jam!

Yeah!

Jam, jam, jam, jam!

Jam, jam, jam!

Jam, jam!

Jam! Jam! Jam!

- Come on!

Whoo! Jam!

Thank you very much,

Jam! Jam!

Jam! Jam! Jam!

Now, how are you

enjoying the show, Harvey?

Well, I don't know.

Oh, well, that's funny, you know.

When I ask that, most of our guest

stars say they're having a great time.

Yeah, well.

- Aren't you having a great time?

You know, Kermit, you and I

are good friends, aren't we?

You want me to tell you

the truth, don't you?

Only if you're having a great time.

Otherwise you have my

permission to lie like crazy.

I can't lie to you. I've

got to tell you how I feel.

"All right," says the frog,

preparing himself to face the music.

"What is the major problem?"

The major problem is that I

I'm the only human being on this show.

How how's that again?

You heard me. I'm the

token person around here.

Gee. We've never had

that complaint before.

Yeah, well, you got it now. How'd you

like to sit around the dressing room

surrounded by dogs and

frogs and pigs and chickens?

Gee. I've never really

thought about it.

Yeah, well, think about it. I meanx

on other shows you get stage fright.

Here you get

hoof-and-mouth disease.

Gee, Harvey. I didn't realize you dislike

dogs and frogs and pigs and chickens.

No. I like dogs and frogs and pigs

and chickens. That's not the point.

The point is I just feel funny about

being the only human being here.

Don't you understand?

- Oh! Oh!

Well, I can fix that.

Hey, guys, come on in.

Wait a minute.

- Take care of him.

Please. Wait, no. Stop. Wait.

no, hold it. Wait. Please.

Piggy, please. I'm

ticklish. Please, no. Argh!

That's right.

- That's better.

Oh, well. Does that make

you feel better, Harvey?

I'm sorry, I don't have time

to talk now, Kermit. I

I've got to get

backstage and lay an egg.

Well, to me there's nothing

funny about chickens.

What the?

Ooh! Ooh! Ow!

And now,

"Veterinarian's Hospital, "

the continuing story of a former

orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.

Anesthetic.

- Anesthetic, Dr. Bob.

Is this operation really nec?

Scalpel. No, suture. Suture,

- Suture, Dr. Bob.

Suture. Suture. Yeah. Scalpel,

- Scalpel, Dr. Bob.

Argh!

- Ooh!

How long have you been a nurse?

- Well, what time is it?

Dr. Bob, your hand is

shaking. What's the trouble?

That's my nerves. I'm

overworked and underpaid.

This is my tenth operation

today. The hours are interminable.

Yes, but we must get

on with this operation.

This man has a bad case of hiccups.

It must be gas.

Oh, he's in bad shape.

- He's in bad shape?

What about me? Doesn't

anybody ever think about me?

We're losing time, Dr. Bob.

- So?

I'm losing my mind. Day in and

day out it's the same old routine.

Oh, but, Dr. Bob

I'm up to my ears in debt, my wife is

leaving me, I'm being sued for malpractice.

And all you can say is, "But, Dr. Bob."

But, Dr. Bob.

- But, Dr. Bob.

I tell you, I'm telling you, I'm

so on edge I'm about to explode!

So Dr. Bob is going to

pieces, and so is his patient.

Tune in next week, when

we'll hear the nurse say

Dr. Bob. You've gotta

pull yourself together.

I'll try.

- Not you, him.

I'd better quit while I'm ahead.

Oh!

I often get a tear in my eye

when I introduce this next act.

Oh. Oh!

There's one right there, you see?

You see, because they represent to me

the very best this show has to offer.

Indeed, the very best

this country has to offer.

So here they are now, just as

sweet offstage as they are on.

Wayne and Wanda.

Oh. I need a hanky.

I get no kick from champagne

Mere alcohol doesn't

thrill me at all

So tell me why should it be true

That I get a kick

Ow!

Now, you see why

Company ten-hut!

Forward hut!

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

How do you get out of

this chicken outfit?

What do you want?

What? Huh!

OK, time once again for

that furry fuzzy funnyman,

fabulous, freewheeling,

fast and frantic Fozzie Bear!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Not so fast. Tonight, I am

going to use your assistance.

Oh, yeah?

- Yes, sir.

You and I are going to tell

the world's funniest joke.

Is that right?

- This is all spontaneous. Unrehearsed.

Right, Froggie?

- It's unrehearsed. Yes.

OK. OK. Now, frog of my heart

- Yes.

You will just wait untiI

I say the word "here."

When you hear me say the word "here,"

you will rush up to me and say:

"Good grief, the comedian's a bear."

Good grief, the comedian's a bear.

- Check.

When you say the word "here"?

- Right.

Gotcha.

- OK, here we go,

Ready? OK, here we go, Now then,

Hiya, hiya, hiya! You're a

wonderful-looking audience.

It's a pleasure to be here. I

Good grief, the comedian's a bear!

- Not yet!

You just said "here."

- That was the wrong "here."

Which is the right "here"?

- The other "here."

Right.

- Go, go, go. OK.

Hey, hey, folks. This is a

story you're gonna love to hear.

Good grief, the comedian's a bear!

- Will you stop it?!

But you said "here."

- Not that "here."

Well, which "here"?

- Another "here."

How am I gonna know?

- You'll know when you hear!

Good grief, the comedian's a bear!

- Not now!

All right. All right. Listen.

- Yes. What?

You will know when I point to you.

All right. Don't grumble.

Say, a funny thing happened to

me on the way to the theatre.

At the stage door, I passed a bunch

of Muppet fans, and suddenly I hear

Good grief, the comedian's a bear.

No, he's a-not, he's

a-wearing a neck-a-tie.

Ha ha! Ha ha!

Did you understand that joke?

- No.

But I don't speak Italian.

Here is a Muppet news flash.

Middleweight champion Carl Boomer says

that since he has defeated all

challengers in the middleweight ranks,

he will defend his title

next week against himself.

We go now to Boomer's

training camp. Tell us, Carl,

do you think this

will be a tough fight?

Well, Muppet reporter, it will

probably be one of my toughest,

but I think I will be able to

knock myself out in the tenth round.

In the first few rounds, I will work on

my body blows. Be-dah-bah-bah! De-bah-bah!

Then I'll go for my head.

Be-dah-bah-bah-bah-bah!

Carl's body may last two rounds,

but I think his head has

already gone down for the count.

Halfway down the stairs

Is a stair where I sit

There isn't any other

stair quite like it

I'm not at the bottom

I'm not at the top

So this is the stair

where I always stop

Halfway up the stairs

Isn't up and isn't down

It isn't in the nursery

It isn't in the town

And all sorts of funny thoughts

Run round my head

"It isn't really anywhere"

"It's somewhere else instead"

Halfway down the stairs

Is a stair where I sit

There isn't any other

stair quite like it

I'm not at the bottom

I'm not at the top

So this is the stair

Where I always stop

Well, that's about all we can squeeze

into a half-hour for this week.

We've had a great time, and we'd specially

like to thank our very talented guest star

Chicken Little.

Now stop that.

- Oh, I'm sorry about that, Harv.

Mr. Harvey Korman! And we'll see

you all next week on The Muppet Show!

Well, the show tonight

certainly didn't lay an egg.

Wanna bet?