Theme

Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Harvey Korman!
The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!

Male chorus

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!

The curtain opens on Fozzie, who takes off his hat.
Fozzie My house is so dirty, my dog buries his bones in the living room carpet. I don't understand it either. (shrugs)
The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit

To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Mr. Harvey Korman!

Harvey and Miss Piggy whisper to each other.
Kermit But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang

On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!

102-1
Gonzo hits the O and it shatters.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello, everybody, and welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, we got a great show for you tonight, and our special guest is one of the funniest people in the business, Harvey Korman. But right now, we'd like to open the show tonight on a high note —
Someone blows a trumpet in his ear.
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Meanwhile in the balcony …
Statler Well, that's better than opening it with a bang.
Enter Crazy Harry, with a detonator.
Crazy Harry (laughing) Did somebody say "bang"?
Waldorf No!
WHAP! Waldorf karate-chops him.
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Crazy Harry Aw, you can't win 'em all.
WHAP! Waldorf karate-chops him again.
Kermit Will you hold it down up there, please? Right now let's get things started with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.
Dissolve to the band; zoom out on Dr. Teeth's gold tooth.
Dr. Teeth Yeah, this is Dr. Teeth, and it's time to boogie! Three, four!
The band starts playing. During the song, several explosions happen on-stage.
LoveYaDeath
Dr. Teeth

I'm gonna explode an atom bomb … (BOOM!)
And blow a hole in your soul.
I'm gonna explode an atom bomb, (BOOM!)
And blow a hole in your soul.
I'm gonna get through to you, baby,
Before I lose control!

Solo.
Dr. Teeth

I'll break down your resistance with every trick in sight.
I know I'm gonna make you happy, baby —
I'm gonna light some dynamite!
… and blow open your heart. (BOOM!)
I'm gonna light some dynamite — (BOOM!)
And blow open your heart.
I'm gonna light some dynamite,
And blast a tunnel to your love!!
(BOOM!)

The smoke from the last explosion makes them cough.
Floyd That's heavy, man.
Animal I like that.
Statler Well, that was a great number. I've always liked pantomime.
Waldorf That wasn't pantomime. Your hearing aid's busted again.
Statler What?

Meet Animal

Kermit stands next to Animal at the drums.
Animal (panting)
Kermit Uh, I thought uh, some of you might like to know a little bit more uh, about our drummer, whom we affectionately refer to as Animal.
Animal Animal. Haaaahhh.
Kermit That's his name, actually. Uh, Animal, uh, why don't you tell our audience, how long have you been playing the drums?
Animal Uh… uh … (bangs his head on the snare as Kermit counts)
Kermit One. Two. Three. Four. Five. For five years.
Animal Yeah. Five.
Kermit Yes. OK. Well, I guess uh, your drums uh, mean a great deal to you, huh?
Animal Oh, yeah. (kisses them) Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah. Mwah. Oh, nice.
Kermit You like 'em more than food, I guess, huh?
Animal They are food. Eat drums, eat cymbals.
Kermit (chuckles) How symbolic.
Animal BAD PUN!!!
Kermit Ahem. Yeah. Uh, listen, I imagine you have a lot of idols, uh …
Animal (nods) Oh, yeah, yeah.
Kermit Buddy Rich?
Animal Oh, yeah, yeah.
Kermit Gene Krupa?
Animal Yeah. Krupa. Krupa.
Kermit Tony Checkers?
Animal Ton — wha?
Kermit He's our new drummer. He begins next week.
Animal attacks Kermit by drumming on him.
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Kermit (gets up) Then again, maybe not.

Talking Houses

Zoom in on the two left houses.
Florence04
House 1 My insides are killing me!
House 2 Oh, ulcers?
House 1 No. Movers.
Zoom out. Musical button.

Circus act

Main stage. Kermit enters in a tux.
Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, we present now what is considered to be the most dangerous animal act in the entire world. The incomparable Harvey Korman, better known as Maurice the Magnificent!
Open on Harvey in a circus ring, standing next to a cage.
Harvey (cracks the whip) Hyah! (reacts to the whip-crack, then to the applause) Thank you. Now, please, shh! Shh! You must keep quiet. You don't know, but the thing goes berserk when it hears loud noises. (snarls) I hate this. But, let's get it over with. Open the cage!
The cage door opens. Harvey winces at what he sees inside.
Harvey It looks particularly vicious this evening. What a horrible animal. Well, I must ask you - this is very important - when it comes out, don't anyone scream. It'll tear us all to ribbons if anyone screams. Shh! … All right. (cracks the whip) Out! Out, you demon! Out!
Gentle Thog peers out.
Harvey Well, this is — Shh! Someone, someone check — someone check the first row. I think the lady fainted!
Thog waddles over; Harvey quickly stops him.
Harvey No, no, no, no, no! Not you, you demon. (crack!) Back! I said back. Back! Back! Sit, you demon! Sit! Over here, you!
Thog sits on the platform.
Harvey Now … listen to me.
Thog raises an ear.
Harvey Give me your full attention.
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Thog raises the other ear. Harvey winces.
Harvey Speak. Speak, you demon, speak! (crack!)
Thog (lowers ears) I hardly know where to begin.
Harvey Aaah! (crack!)
Thog I was rereading Balzac the other day, only in translation…
Harvey Enough! (crack!)
Thog Mm, you're very good with that whip, Morris.
Harvey Quiet! (crack!)
Thog Morris is such a good animal trainer. He got so much patience and courage and persistence …
Harvey Shut up!! (crack!) You're a black-hearted hell hound!!
Thog And love. (nuzzles up to him) What a sweet man.
Harvey Get away from me! Get away! (crack!) Now, boy, listen to me. Here's the best part. I hate it, but it's the best part. Listen, boy. I want you to dance. Dance, you demon, dance! (crack!) Come on, dance. Move it!
Music plays as Thog dances.
Harvey Dance, ballerina, dance! Move it! That's it. More lyric. That's it.
Thog This is really an easy trick. I wanted to ride a pony around the stage, buts Morris is afraid of ponies.
Harvey Dance. Come on, you meaty lummox! Dance! Dance! Waltz. … Dance, you beast. … What are you doing?
Thog begins to waltz with Harvey, twirling him around.
Harvey What are you doing? What are you doing? No! No! Somebody stop him. Somebody stop him! Help! Help! Help! He's run amuck! He's run amuck! Someone help me! Help!
Thog lets go of Harvey as the music ends. Harvey ends up in the cage. Thog takes a bow.
Thog Thank you. Thank you.
Applause.

Panel Discussion

The panelists chit-chat as the theme music plays.
Kermit OK, uh, once again it is time to raise — just a second, uh, everyone. Once again, it's time to raise the intellectual level of the program, as we address ourselves to the topic, "What is the meaning of life?"
Panelists (random) Indeed. Of course. Hear hear.
Kermit It's a fairly simple subject. Uh, let's start off with our guest panelist, Mr. Harvey Korman.
Harvey Thank you. I think that life is a great deal, like a tennis game.
Miss Piggy (RH) Oh, no it isn't.
Harvey (femme voice) Oh, yes it is.
Miss Piggy (RH) No, it isn't.
Harvey Yes it is.
Miss Piggy (RH) No it isn't.
Harvey Yes it is.
Hkepisode6
Miss Piggy (RH) Life is nothing like a tennis game.
Harvey In a pig's eye it isn't!
Miss Piggy (RH) Is that some kind of slam at me?
Kermit The ball is in your court, Harvey. The score is pig, five, guest, nothing.
Harvey Well, it's the first time that pig's scored in her life. (points at her and laughs)
They start talking over each other.
Miss Piggy (RH) (shuffles towards Harvey) Wait a minute, wait a minute — Out of the way. Let me get through there.
Kermit No, no, wait a minute, uh …
Pig panelist Listen, that's my sister!
Kermit Can we have a little order here, please?
Whatnot Yeah, I'll have a ham and cheese on rye.
Pig panelist That is the most insulting thing I ever heard. Listen, life is a garbage dump, if you want the truth.
Harvey I think that my original analysis that life is a tennis game will stand up.
Whatnot Well, I'm standing up. I'm sick of …
Miss Piggy (RH) Please, sit down, sit down. You really think life is like a tennis game, huh?
Whatnot Is a pig pork?
Miss Piggy (RH) What's that supposed to mean?
Whatnot Yeah, it means, uh, yes, I agree, of course. Life is like a tennis game. That's as clear as the nose on your face. That's some honker you got there.
Miss Piggy (RH) How would you like a pig knuckle sandwich, you …
Whatnot Oh, take it to the deli, lady.
Kermit Please, please, uh … we are digressing, we are digressing. Can we at last get back to the issue? And the issue is life.
Harvey Oh, I have the last issue of Life.
Muppets What?
Harvey Yeah, before they stopped publishing. Could be worth a pretty penny.
Pig panelist Hey, I knew a pretty Penny once. Penny Ferguson. Used to be a dancer.
Harvey I love to dance.
Pig panelist Hey, what are you doing after the show?
Harvey I've got a date.
Pig panelist Oh, well.
Muppets That's life.
Kermit Well, once again we've solved the problem.
Panelists We did. We solved it. (they chit-chat)
Kermit Join us again next week when our subject will be, "Is conversation a dying art?"
The four Muppets collapse on the table, jokingly feigning death. Harvey shakes his head as the closing music plays.
Waldorf Yeah, you can get quite an education watching this show.
A beat.
Statler Are we watching the same show?

At the Dance

Couples dance in a ballroom. George dances with Mildred.
Mildred Oh, my beloved George, even though we come from two different worlds I find myself strangely attracted to you.
George the janitor Yeah. I feel the same way.
Mildred (gasp) You mean, you're attracted to me?
George the janitor No. To me. Weird, huh?
Miss Piggy dances with another pig.
Pig Say, how do you think I'd look in a porkpie hat?
Miss Piggy (RH) (gasp) Oh, no, you couldn't! It'd be like wearing one of our relatives.
Zoot dances with Janice.
Zoot Hey, do you wanna come over to my place and listen to the Beatles?
Janice Oh, I love their music.
Zoot What music? I mean real beetles. And some termites, and some ticks …
Rowlf dances with a woman.
Hkepisode7
Rowlf Boy, does that guy have a swelled head.
Woman Conceited, huh?
Rowlf No, he's just got a swelled head. Look out!
POP! The man's head explodes. His partner screams.

Backstage

Harvey comes downstairs. Rowlf runs up to him, accompanied by Muppy.
Rowlf Hi, Harvey. Hey, you know what? You know, we've been up all night worrying about ecology.
Muppy (barks)
Harvey (annoyed) I'm right in the middle of a show. I don't have time to worry about ecology.
Hkepisode8
Rowlf Well, it's easy for you, but if all those trees go, we're in big trouble. (exits)
Harvey (sarcastic) It's really great working with dogs.
Muppy gnaws at Harvey's hand.
Harvey Oh yeah?
Harvey bites back, scaring Muppy away.

UK Spot

Dr. Teeth All right, everybody, let's jam!
Jam
The Mayhem plays "Sweet Tooth Jam", with Animal yelling "Jam!" throughout the number.

Talk Spot

Kermit Well, uh, how are you enjoying the show, Harvey?
Harvey Well, I don't know.
Kermit Oh, well, that's funny, you know. When I ask that, most of our guest stars say they're having a great time.
Harvey Yeah, well…
Kermit Aren't you having a great time?
Harvey You know, Kermit, you and I are good friends, aren't we? You want me to tell you the truth, don't you?
Kermit Only if you're having a great time. Otherwise you have my permission to lie like crazy.
Harvey I can't lie to you. I've got to tell you how I feel.
Kermit Ahem. "All right," says the frog, preparing himself to face the music. "What is the major problem?"
Harvey The major problem is that … (close to tears) … I'm the only human being on this show.
Kermit How … how's that again?
Harvey (hostile) You heard me. I'm the token person around here.
Kermit Gee. We've never had that complaint before.
Harvey Yeah, well, you got it now. How'd you like to sit around the dressing room surrounded by dogs and frogs and pigs and chickens?
Kermit Gee. I've never really thought about it.
Harvey Yeah, well, think about it. I mean, on other shows you get stage fright. Here you get hoof-and-mouth disease.
Kermit Gee, Harvey. I didn't realize you dislike dogs and frogs and pigs and chickens.
Harvey No. I like dogs and frogs and pigs and chickens. That's not the point. The point is I just feel funny about being the only human being here. Don't you understand?
Kermit Oh! Oh! Well, I can fix that. Hey, guys, come on in.
Piggy, Hilda, Rowlf, Baskerville, and another pig rush in and ambush Harvey.
Harvey Wait a minute.
Kermit Take care of him.
Harvey Please. Wait, no. Stop. Wait. No, hold it. Wait. Please. Piggy, please. I'm ticklish. Please, no. Argh!
After dressing Harvey in a chicken suit, they all disperse.
Random (That's right. That's better.)
Hkepisode9
Kermit Oh, well ... does that make you feel better, Harvey?
Harvey I'm sorry, I don't have time to talk now, Kermit. I I've got to get backstage and lay an egg.
Waldorf (laughs)
Statler Well, to me there's nothing funny about chickens.
A chicken pops up and starts pecking Statler. Waldorf laughs.

Veterinarian's Hospital

Open on Miss Piggy, noodling around with some of the medical equiptment before joining the other medics around the operating table, where a blue Whatnot man lays, trembling.
Announcer And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
Dr. Bob wipes and blows his nose with his scrubs.
Rowlf Anesthetic!
Miss Piggy (RH) Anesthetic, Dr. Bob.
Patient Uh, is this operation really nec-
BONK! Dr. Bob applies the anesthetic - hitting the patient over the head with a mallet. The patient is out cold and Dr. Bob tosses the mallet away.
Rowlf Scalpel. No, suture! Suture.
Janice Suture, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf Suture, suture. There, hmm. Scalpel!
Miss Piggy (RH) Scalpel, Dr. Bob.
She forcefully plants it in Dr. Bob's hands.
Rowlf AHHH!
Miss Piggy (RH) Ooo...
Rowlf How long have you been a nurse?!
Miss Piggy (RH) Well, uh, what time is it?
Rowlf (flabbergasted stammering)
Dr. Bob begins the operation, trembling.
Janice Dr. Bob, your hand is shaking! What's the trouble?
Rowlf It's my nerves - I'm over worked and under payed! This is my tenth operation today, the hours are interminable!
Miss Piggy (RH) Yes, but we must get on with this operation. This man has a bad case of hiccups. It must be gas!
The patient lets out a loud hiccup - his chest bubbles.
Miss Piggy (RH) Oh, he's in bad shape!
Rowlf "He's in bad shape?" What about me?! Doesn't anybody ever think about me?!
Patient (hiccups)
Janice Uh, we're losing time, Dr. Bob!
Vets.110
Rowlf SO?! I'm losin' my mind! Day in and day out, it's the same old routine!
Patient (hiccups)
Miss Piggy (RH) Oh, oh, but Dr. Bob...
Rowlf I'm up to my ears in debt, my wife is leavin' me, I'm bein' sued for malpractice, and all you can say is, "But, Dr. Bob!"
Patient (hiccups)
Piggy & Janice But, Dr. Bob!
Rowlf I tell ya', I tell ya', I'm so on edge I'm about to explode!
The patient's chest as ballooned and lets out one more hiccup, causing his entire torso to explode.
Announcer So Dr. Bob is going to pieces, and so is his patient. Tune in next week when we'll hear the nurse say...
Miss Piggy (RH) Dr. Bob, you've gotta pull yourself together!
Rowlf I'll try!
Miss Piggy (RH) Not you - him!
Patient I better quit while I'm a head.

Wayne and Wanda

Sam the Eagle fixes his head feathers, then acknowledges the audience.
Ineedahankee
Sam Oh, ahem. I often get a tear in my eye when I introduce this next act. Oh. (wipes away a tear) Oh! There's one right there, you see? You see, because they represent to me the very best this show has to offer - indeed, the very best this country has to offer. So, here they are now, just as sweet offstage as they are on - Wayne and Wanda! Oh, I need a hanky. (exits)
WWIGetaKickOutofYou
The curtains open on Wayne and Wanda, in front of a river backdrop with a bottle of champagne chilling on a table next to them. Wayne offers Wanda a glass as she begins to sing. As she sings, she constantly blocks Wayne from the audience's view, frustrating him.
Wanda

I get no kick from champagne
Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all
So tell me why should it be true'
That I get a kick - OW!

Wayne kicks Wanda off the stage and exits as the curtains close. Sam enters, wiping his eyes with his hanky.
Sam Uh, you see wh-oh... (exits, embarrassed)

Blackout

T.R. Rooster stands in front of one of the backdrops.
T.R. Okay, ten-hut! (single march heard) Forward, hut!
T.R. leads three pairs of chickens in a march across the stage. They all cluck in time to the march. Trailing behind is Harvey, still in costume.
110 chicken
Harvey How do you get out of this chicken outfit?
Muppy enters, growling and bites Harvey.
Harvey What do you want?!
Muppy Ruff!
Harvey What?!
Muppy points him toward the rest of the brigade. Harvey grumbles and marches, with Muppy following.

Fozzie's comedy act

Kermit comes onstage.
Kermit Okay, time once again for that furry, fuzzy funnyman, fabulous, free-wheeling, fast and frantic - Fozzie Bear!
Fozzie enters and prevents Kermit from leaving.
Fozzie Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Not so fast. Tonight, I am going to use your assistance.
Kermit Oh, yeah?
Fozzie Yes, sir! You and I are going to tell the world's funniest joke!
Kermit Is that right?
Fozzie Uh, this is all spontaneous, unrehearsed, right, froggy?
Kermit It's unrehearsed, yes.
Fozzie Okay, okay. (clears throat) Now, frog of my heart...
Kermit Yes?
Fozzie You will just wait until I say the word "hear." When you hear me say the word "here," you will rush up to me and say, "Good grief, the comedian's a bear!"
Kermit "Good grief, the comedian's a bear!"
Fozzie Check.
Kermit When you say the word "hear?"
Fozzie Right.
Kermit Gotcha. (exits)
Fozzie Okay, here we go. (clears throat) Ready? Okay, here we go. Now then - hiya, hiya, hiya! You're a wonderful lookin' audience, it's a pleasure to be here!
Kermit (rushes in) GOOD GRIEF, THE COMEDIAN'S A BEAR!
Fozzie Not yet!
Kermit But, you just said "here."
Fozzie That was the wrong "here!"
Kermit Which is the right "here?!"
Fozzie The other "hear."
Kermit (shrugs) Sure. (exits)
Fozzie Ugh, go, go, go. Okay. Hey, hey, folks. This is a story you're gonna love to hear!
Kermit (rushes in) GOOD GRIEF, THE COMEDIAN'S A BEAR!
Fozzie Will you stop that?!
Kermit But, you said "hear!"
Fozzie Not that "hear!"
Kermit Well, which "hear?!"
Fozzie Another "hear!"
Kermit HOW AM I GONNA KNOW?!
Fozzie YOU'LL KNOW WHEN YOU HEAR!
Kermit GOOD GRIEF, THE COMEDIAN'S A BEAR!
The two stammer, frustrated. They both stare at each other, breathing heavily.
Fozzie Alright, alright.
Kermit Yes? What?
Fozzie Listen. You'll know when I point to you.
Kermit, grimacing, sighs and exits.
Fozzie All right, don't grumble. (clears throat) Say, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the theater. At the stage door, I passed a bunch of Muppet fans and suddenly I hear... (points)
Kermit (enters) "Good grief, the comedian's a bear!"
Fozzie (mimicking an Italian accent) No, he's a-not. He's a-wearin' a-neck-a-tie!
Fozzie wiggles his ears and laughs, then bows. Kermit sighs and exits.
Statler Did you understand that joke?
Waldorf No, but I don't speak Italian.

Muppet Newsflash

Newsman Here is a Muppet news flash. Middleweight champion Carl Boomer says that since he has defeated all challengers in the middleweight ranks, he will defend his title next week against himself.
Hkepisode11
Newsman We go now to Boomer's training camp. Tell us, Carl, do you think this will be a tough fight?
Harvey Well, Muppet reporter, it will probably be one of my toughest, but I think I will be able to knock myself out in the tenth round. In the first few rounds, I will work on my body blows. (punches his own chest) Then I'll go for my head. (punches his own head, then feels faint and collapses)
Newsman Carl's body may last two rounds, but I think his head has already gone down for the count.

"Halfway Down the Stairs"

Song.halfwaystairs
Robin the Frog sits on an isolated staircase, signing "Halfway Down the Stairs."

Goodnights

Kermit Well, that's about all we can squeeze into a half-hour for this week. We've had a great time, and we'd specially like to thank our very talented guest star, Chicken Little.
Hkepisode12
Harvey Now stop that.
Kermit Oh, I'm sorry about that, Harv. Mr. Harvey Korman! (applause) And we'll see you all next week on The Muppet Show!
The Muppets gather onstage as the credits roll.
Waldorf Well, the show tonight certainly didn't lay an egg.
The chicken pops back up.
Statler Wanna bet?
ATV
THE END

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