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Episode 109: Charles Aznavour/transcript

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Theme

Opening number

Backstage

"The Old Fashioned Way"

Backstage

Veterinarian's Hospital

Dressing room

At the Dance

UK spot

Talk spot

Backstage

Panel discussion

Fozzie's comedy act

Backstage

"The Inch Worm"

Goodnights

It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Charles Aznavour.

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

on The Muppet Show tonight

I don't approve of belly dancers, Why can't they dance on the floor like everyone else?

To introduce our guest star

That's what I'm here to do

So it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

Mr. Charles Aznavour!

But now let's get things started

on the most sensational, inspirational

Celebrational, Muppetational

This is what we call

The Muppet Show

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Fozzie, what are you doing?

I'm checking the house.

Will you get out of here?

Sorry.

Bonsoir, bonsoir, mesdames et messieurs. That's ladies and gentlemen. You'll notice a little French sneaking into my speech, and that's because our special guest tonight is none other than that international star Mr. Charles Aznavour. But right now let's raise the curtain, strike up the band, and get things moving on The Muppet Show.

Tonight

Tonight

Won't be just any night

Oh, he will soon be here,

Be still, my aching heart,

I feel pretty

Oh, so pretty

I feel pretty and witty and bright

(voice becomes squeakier # And I

pity any girl who isn't me tonight

I feel charming

Oh, so charming

It's alarming how charming I feel

And so pretty

That I hardly can believe I'm real

- # See the pretty girl in that mirror there

- # What mirror? Where?

- # Who can that attractive girl be?

- # Which? What? Where? Whom?

- # Such a pretty face, such a pretty dress

- # Whom? Whom?

- # Such a pretty smile

- # Such a pretty me

- # Such a pretty me

- # Such a pretty me

I feel stunning

And entrancing

feel like running

and dancing for joy

For I'm loved

By a pretty wonderful boy

Come in.

- Hiya, honey.

Ooh!

Kermit, are you busy?

Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a moment.

What would I do with your ear?

Van Gogh impressions.

Oh.

Gonzo, do you have to take everything so literally? It's just an expression.

Kermit, what I wanted to know was was uh, you know, I've noticed that I haven't been on on stage for the last couple of shows.

Good observation.

Yeah, well Kermit, I have a lot of fans out there, see, who are waiting to see my latest theatrical creation.

Gonzo, I have seen you eat a rubber tire to music, and I have seen you play a concert on your head with a mallet.

Yeah.

And, Gonzo, my dear friend, it doesn't work.

What? Kermit, you – I don't – You gotta understand, I don't play for the masses. I'm an artist. You understand that? An artist.

Yeah, well, then you should've gotten my Van Gogh joke. Listen, Gonzo, why don't you get yourself a manager? You know, somebody who could guide your career.

Yeah? All right, OK. I will. All right. I'll do that and then you'll see. You'll all see because there's only one Great Gonzo. Only one!

Thank goodness for that,

Yeah, yokel! Rube!

Hey, Hey, Kermit?

Mm?

The Great Gonzo wants me to manage him.

Yeah, Scooter understands the soul of a true artist.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, but, Scooter, I hired you as a gofer.

Gofer coffee, gofer sandwiches, remember?

Yeah, well, I can still do that, but Gonzo needs personal management.

Oh, I do, Kermit, I truly do.

Yeah, I'm gonna change his whole repertoiry. I'm gonna have him do a rock act.

A rock act? But Gonzo can't sing.

No, no, I mean a rock act. Show him, Gonzo.

Yeah, watch.

OK, hit it, kid.

OK.

Art! Art! Art!

Out! Out! Out!

And now, "Veterinarian's Hospital, " the continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.

This is D for "Doc," B for "Bob," saying turn off the joy juice.

Hm?

Yeah, ten-roger. OK. Now, where were we? Uh, pulse.

Oh. No pulse, Dr. Bob.

Heartbeat?

No heartbeat, Dr. Bob.

No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone.

Oh, four hours operating and he went just like that.

Yes, doesn't the time go fast when you're having fun?

Too bad, Dr. Bob. Your record was so good. You saved nine out of ten.

My record is still good. This week he was number ten.

So Dr. Bob's record is still good. It's now ten on the medical hit parade, with a bullet. Tune in next week when we'll hear Nurse Piggy say...

I hope no one hears about this, Dr. Bob.

Well, at least he won't say anything.

I get it!

Hilda, you can't imagine how hungry I get before a performance, so thank you for having this supper sent in for me.

It is my pleasure. It's everything that you ordered. There is there is roast chicken, and salad, and French bread.

But, Hilda, this is not French bread.

Voyons, cheri, mais j'ai l'accent francais.

Of course, I could be wrong.

George. George!

Yeah?

Do you read very much?

Oh, all the time.

Oh.

Do you like Kipling?

Oh, well, I don't know. I never Kippled,

I don't know why, but I just love you.

Well, you know how it is with us bananas. We have appeal. Get it? A peel.

What is it you do for a living?

Oh, uh, I'm a garbageman.

That's fantastic. Do you deliver?

Well, yes.

Come on, baby. Let's go do what we bananas do best.

What's that?

Split.

Do you know what it's like dancing with you?

No. What?

One, two, three, dip!

Aargh!

Oh, I love it. More! More!

One, two, three, dip.

Yeah! More! More!

Oh me, oh my, oh you

Whatever shall I do?

Hallelujah

The question is peculiar

I'd give a lot of dough

If I could only know

The answer to my question

Is it yes or is it no?

Does your chewing

gum lose its flavor

On the bedpost overnight?

If your mother says don't chew it

Do you swallow it in spite?

Can you catch it on your tonsils?

Can you heave it left and right?

Does your chewing

gum lose its flavor

On the bedpost overnight?

Aha!

Yee-ha!

The nation drives as one

To send their honored son

To the White House

The nation's only White House

To voice their discontent

Unto the president

Upon the burning question

That has swept this continent

The question is, how do

you drive a baby buggy?

I don't know, how do

you drive a baby buggy?

You tickle its feet!

Does your chewing

gum lose its flavor

On the bedpost overnight?

If you pull it out like rubber

Will it snap right back and bite?

If you paste it on the left side

Will you find it on the right?

Does your chewing

gum lose its flavor

On the bedpost overnight?

On the bedpost over

I told you that I love you

and I wanna hold you tight

Monday Tuesday Wednesday

Thursday Friday Saturday night

On the bedpost over

A dollar is a dollar

and a dime is a dime

He'd sing another chorus,

but he hasn't got the time

- # On the bedpost

overnight - Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo!

- Whoo-hoo!

OK, Charles, I can't tell you how honored we are to have you on our show tonight.

Why, thank you, Kermit. It's my pleasure.

Hey, listen. Can I ask you a question?

Of course.

Well, how come Frenchmen are so lucky in love?

Well, we have a great advantage, you know. The language.

Language?

Yes, You know that French is the language of love, so if you want to be a great ladies' man, learn French.

Well, that wouldn't help me. You see, none of the girls I know speak French.

That doesn't matter. In fact, sometimes it helps.

I don't follow.

I will show you.

Piggy? Mademoiselle Piggy, would you come here, please?

Mm-hm?

She doesn't speak French, I suppose?

No, she doesn't speak a word of French.

Good.

Yes, Charles?

Vous savez, votre carter a une fuite et votre transmission s'ecroule.

Oh!

Oh, Charles.

- Mm-hm.

Oh. Oh.

- Uh, oui.

Hey, listen, you really got to her, What did you say?

I said, "Your oil filter has a leak and your transmission is sagging."

That's incredible. One more demonstration?

Yeah.

You know what I'm gonna say?

I'm gonna whisper in her ear the telephone number of Paris garbage dump, you know?

Paris garbage dump.

Mademoiselle Piggy.

Yes, Charles.

Le numero de telephone de cet etablissement est Trudaine 2 7 67.

Oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, Charles. Oh! Mwah! Mwah! Oh, oh, Charles.

Oh, gee, I knew that would happen. Charles, listen, on behalf of all the Muppets, I wanna say how sorry we are.

Sorry? Sorry? I just met the girl of my dreams.

Piggy? Piggy? Piggy? Piggy?

Oh, Piggy?

Well, one man's poison is another man's bacon.

Hii-yah!

Barbarian.

I love the French tongue.

- I love pig's tongue.

Pig's tongue? I don't get it. Ah, I know – "You didn't order any."

Kermit.

- Mm?

Kermit, that nephew of the theater owner.

- Scooter? What about him?

He is going to drive me to bananas. He has gone all through the wardrobe. He wants The Great Gonzo to do a costume act.

W-w-what? - Hey, chief. What do you think?

Hah.

You think the high heels are too much?

Are you guys nuts?

Well, Scooter says that that that that female impersonation is a noble art.

Yeah.

Of all the dumb acts Gonzo's ever come up with, this is the dumbest.

Oh, gee, my uncle loves it.

You go on right after the dancers.

Oh, oh, good. What do I do when I get out there?

Duck.

OK, friends. Friends. Time again to raise the intellectual level of our program, and our panel tonight consists of Sam, the American Eagle.

Peace and courage.

And Gonzo the Great.

Art and culture.

Our own wardrobe lady, Hilda.

Pins and needles,

And Mildred Hockstadder, MA, PhD, OBE, and RSVP.

Oh, whatever.

Tonight's topic, what is man's role in the universe?

To be decent and to work hard. Next question.

Not so fast, Sam. This is an important question. It has been asked since the beginning of time.

Man's role in the universe. That's a toughie.

Oh, Gonzo, this discussion is above your head. Maybe you just better keep it down.

Check.

What's he what's he up to?

She didn't mean keep your head down. You take things too literally.

Yeah, yeah, please. Now, we don't have much time, so let's get hopping.

Hop, hop.

Oh, no. I have a feeling that we have perhaps misunderstood the question. Will you stop that hopping?

Who are these weird people?

Just don't pay any attention, Sam.

Oh!

All right, I suggest that we look carefully at what's before us and break it down into separate pieces.

Check.

Ow!

Heavens to the Betsy.

He means the question.

But we should be looking for the answer.

Yes,

Well, I'll look under the table.

What is this man doing?

Oh, oh, leave him there. It's best, believe me.

Well, as to man's role in the universe, I don't think he can.

Can what?

I don't think he can roll. In the universe. I mean, he's not round enough to roll.

This can't be happening.

Of course, he could enroll, yes, yes, yes.

But you can't enroll in the universe.

No, but you can enroll in the university.

Yes.

A little Hilda ha-ha there.

Very little.

Yeah, hey, but, listen, aren't we ever gonna find any answers?

Yes, yes.

Well, there aren't any under the table, that's for sure.

Will you knock it off?

Knock it off?

Ow!

Well, uh ...Tune in next week when our distinguished panel will discuss the burning question, "What are we doing here?"

Ladies and gentlemen, when I say the words "great comedy" it can only mean one thing, so let's really hear it for Fozzie Bear.

Yeah, thank you, thank you. Please don't. Stop. Please don't, stop. Please don't stop! Ha ha! Oh, I can see you're all in a great mood tonight.

Well, why ruin it with your act?

Ho, ho, ho.

I could bury you guys with one line.

- OK, what's the line?

Uh uh Y-y-you just wait.

- Is that the line?

Of course it's not the line. Look, look, I'm gonna tell a joke and if they heckle – If you heckle me, look out 'cause I'm ready. Just look out. That's all I can say, just look out. Look out. That's all I can say.

Yep, that's all he can say all right.

I learnt to handle hecklers by working in a nightclub so tough the hatcheck girl was a gorilla. There were more people in the band than in the audience and we had a one-man band. Uh, uh – I remember when – Hey, hey, how come you guys aren't heckling me?

We love it. That's funny stuff.

- Funny,

Yeah, topical. Hip.

- Oh, oh. Well, well, well … At this nightclub a party of 75 came in. A lonely old lady, but she didn't drink much. Great. And I wouldn't say conditions at the club were bad, but when we asked where we could take a bath, the manager ran us through the carwash next door. Hey, hey, fellas. Hey, you guys, will you please

Please, please. We work alone.

Aha, aha!

That was my line. My heckler line. See how it buried me.

Maybe we oughta go on the stage.

- Yes. There's one leaving in five minutes.

Be under it.

Don't heckle me, you old fool. Heckle him.

Is that a toupee you're wearing or did your cat die?

Help! Heckler run amok. Help! Help!

Hey, Scooter, Scooter. Scooter?

Yeah, boss.

Scooter, would you get everybody on stage for the closing number?

Right, boss. Oh, by the way

What?

I decided not to manage The Great Gonzo.

Oh, yeah? How come?

Well, you see, I gave him the standard 50-page managerial contract.

And?

- He ate it.

Well, let's hope the contract's not binding.

- Yeah.

Closing number next.

Two and two are four

Four and four are eight

Eight and eight are 1 6

1 6 and 1 6 are 32

Inchworm

Inchworm

Measuring the marigolds

You and your arithmetic

You'll probably go far

Inchworm

Inchworm

Measuring the marigolds

Seems to me you'd stop and see

How beautiful they are

Come, come, Come here,

Yes,

Oh

You're a darling,

Mm, Mm,

Inchworm

Inchworm

Measuring the marigolds

You and your arithmetic

You'll probably go far

Mm, inchworm

Inchworm

Measuring the marigolds

Seems to me you'd stop and see

How beautiful they are

Two and two are four

Four and four are eight

Seems to me you'd stop and see

How beautiful they are

Seems to me you'd stop and see

How beautiful they are

Well, another half-hour has passed by and we've reached the end of our show. We'd like to thank our special guest star, Mr. Charles Aznavour.

Thank you, Kermit. It's been a wonderful evening for me. The first chance I ever had to make friends with a loaf of bread.

Oh, Charles, vous etes le plus grand.

- Merci beaucoup.

Hey, thank you all and join us next time on The Muppet Show.

I really liked this show tonight.

- At these prices who's gonna complain?

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