Cold open

Open on Jason and Gonzo in the lobby, going over their old yearbook and laughing.
Jason Oh! Gonzo, I tell you, going through this old yearbook is great, isn't it?
Gonzo It sure is!
Jason What a bunch of weirdos and geeks we use to hang out with!
Gonzo Yeah!
Jason Hey, you remember that freaky little guy that the frat guys used to — used to tie to the back of a car and drag him all around the campus by his nose? (laughs)
Gonzo That was me.
Jason … Yeah. Yeah. Mm. Terrible what they put you through, there.
Gonzo Are you kidding? Those were the best days of my life. You wanna see the tire marks?
He displays tire marks on the back of his letterman jacket. They both laugh and hi-five.
Jason Come on!
Gonzo Alright!
Jason Hey! The old drama club!
Gonzo Oh!
Jason Do you remember that musical we wrote?
Gonzo Do you mean Bats? How could I forget?
Jason Yeah - I wonder why that never got produced.
Gonzo Well, maybe because nobody wanted to see a musical about blind, flying rodents singing bad poetry.
Jason … Yeah, that could be something.
Gonzo But hey, we're the Muppets! Doing a bizarre musical number that no one wants to see is what we're all about!
Jason Hey, let's do that for the final number!
Gonzo Yeah! Let's do it! Good idea! Yeah!
Jason Alright! Yeah!
Gonzo Yeah yeah!
Kermit knocks on the door and enters.
Kermit Oh. Uh, hi there, Jason. I see you've met Gonzo.
Jason Met him? Oh, Gonzo and I used to go to school together.
Gonzo Yeah. You wanna hear our school fight song?
Kermit Uh, well, I, no, not really, I —
Jason Yeah! Here we go!
They pick up pompoms and chant.
Jason & Gonzo Give a cheer! Give a shout! Tell 'em what we're all about! We're the team that's gonna rule! We're from South Bay Regoinal Polytechnic Institute for the Performing and Industrial Arts Night School, Downtown Campus, as seen in the motion picture Fame! YEAH!
Kermit Gee, did your team win a lot of games?
Jason No. No. (they sit down) No, uh, by the time we were done cheering, they had usually called the games on account of darkness.
Kermit frowns.

Theme

Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star, Jason Alexander! YAAAYY!
He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.


Opening

Open on the house band. Clifford comes out to applause.
A. Ligator And now, here's the host of our show, C'lifford!
Clifford Hey! Yeah! What's up, what's up? Welcome to Muppets Tonight. Let's see what's shakin' with the band. Yo, Jowls, I heard you had a gig this weekend.
Jowls (unintelligible babble)
The other band members chuckle.
Clifford (laughs) I don't understand what he says either. Any hue, our guest tonight is Jason Alexander! (applause) Yeah! But before we get to Jason, here's something for all you eggheads in the audience.
Eggman (JN) Egg-cellent!
Eggman (DG) Oh, there you go with the same old yolks!
Eggman (JN) Well, you told me to come out of my shell. (chuckles)
Clifford Here is our very own Animal, with a classical music interlude.
Animal runs onstage, knocking Clifford over.
Animal Sorry! Hahahaha!
Animal bangs his head against a gong, as classical music plays.
Animal Mommy! (faints)
Switch to the nursing home.
Statler This show's off to a fast start.
Waldorf Good. Maybe it'll end quicker.
They chuckle.

Fairyland P.D.

Open on a tall building at night. Police surround the building and look up at Humpty Dumpty, standing at the top.
A. Ligator And now, another episode from the files of Fairyland P.D.. Tonight: "The Big Crack-Up".
A cop car stops at the scene. Clifford and Bobo make their way to the building.
Cop (LCR) He's gonna jump!
Cop (JK) Careful, he's got a spatula!
Humpty Dumpty (KC) Don't try to stop me!
Bobo Alright, stand back, please.
Clifford Everybody back. Move along.
Bobo Stand back. 'Scuse me, 'scuse me.
Clifford Well, chief, what we got?
Chief Well, we've got a big egg named Humpty Dumpty, and he's threatening to jump.
Bobo Okay. Uh, I've had a little experience in this. Let me handle it.
Chief Oh, good. Alright.
Bobo Listen, fella! Life isn't so bad.
Humpty Dumpty (KC) Aw, what do you know?
Bobo (to chief) Desperate.
Chief Ah.
Bobo Okay! Just, just, just try and think back to the happy times, when you were a kid! Those school days, school days, ♪ dear old golden school days, reading and writing and …
Humpty has a great fall onto the concrete.
Bobo I, uh … uh, I guess he wasn't too popular in school.
Chief (sigh) Well, I'm gonna let you boys mop this up.
He walks away, almost tripping over the giant eggshell.
Clifford Thanks a lot, chief.
Bobo Nice.
They both look down at Humpty.
Clifford Well, it's definitely too late for all the king's horses and all the king's men. Hey, you got any ideas what we should do?
Bobo Say, uh … we still got that, uh, hot plate and skillet in the trunk?
Clifford You wouldn't.
Bobo Well, you chop up the onions and peppers and I would. (laughs)
Clifford (laughs) Hey, it's a deal! (runs off)
Bobo (laughs) Well, alright. (shakes pepper) My cholesterol is going to go through the roof. But what the hey, you only live once. (laughs)

Backstage

The BATS crew sets up.
Jason Oh boy, Gonzo, I gotta tell you, I am so excited we're finally getting to do our musical. BATS!
Gonzo Yeah. Ooh!
Jason It's all coming together! The sets are terrific, the costumes are great.
Gonzo Oh, yeah, and wait till you see the bat background singers.
Jason A very important element.
Gonzo Come on, ladies, get in here!
A flock of chickens gathers around them.
Gonzo Show 'em what you got! Give it to 'em!
The chickens cluck an uptempo version of "Turkey in the Straw". Jason looks confused.
Gonzo Yeah.
Jason Terrific. Ladies, really, really, really terrific.
Gonzo Beautiful.
Jason Gonzo, can I — can I talk to you for a second? (laughs)
Gonzo Sure, sure. (they step aside) What is it, Jase?
Jason What are you, nuts??
Gonzo Huh? Well, Jason, don't worry, when they get the costumes on, it'll sell that — that bat thing you've been wanting to go for.
Jason It's not about selling, it's not about costumes! It's about emotions! It's about character!
Rizzo It's about time you went onstage, there, Jason. (exits)
Jason Oh, yeah, yeah, thanks, Rizzo. Gonzo, we need professionals. We need artists. I'm counting on you. You're the man. (walks off)
Gonzo Whoo. Never been the man before. Hey girls, he loved you. Don't change a thing.
The chickens cluck in agreement and disperse.
Gonzo That's it. Shoo, shoo. Hahaha.

Muppet Masterpiece Mystery Movie

Open on stock footage of a train.
A. Ligator And now, Muppet Masterpiece Mystery Movie presents Jason Alexander as Hercule Poirot, in Murder on the Disoriented Express.
Fade to the darkened train. Mr. Poodlepants makes train nosies, and suddenly gets shot.
Mr. Poodlepants Oh, help! Help! I've been murderized!
The lights come on, and other Muppets come to his aid, including conductor Kermit.
Kermit Oh no! Oh my goodness! Someone has killed Mr. Poodlepants!
Mr. Poodlepants Well, I'm not really hurt, you know. I mean, this is a family show. They wouldn't really —
Bobo (shuts his mouth) SHHH! You're ruining the scene now. Go down, go down. (lowers him)
Bunsen Oh dear, it's a murder! What do we do?
Kermit There's only one detective who could solve this crime! And he's onboard our train, folks! Ladies and gentlemen, I present, Monsieur Hercules Poirot!
Enter Hercule.
Jason Everyone, please take your seats. NOBODY MOVE! Please, be seated. TOUCH NOTHING! Sit, sit, sit. And by the way, it is not Hercules… it is Hercule. Now, I would like to begin my investigation by asking a few questions.
Bobo Ooh, I have a question here, Hercules. Uh, are you gonna use your super strength to lift up the train and shake out the clues?
Jason (chuckles) Now listen carefully. You are thinking of Hercu-LES, an ancient demigod from Greek mythology. I am Her-CULE … Poirot! A fiction Belgian detective.
Fozzie But how do you hide your rippling muscles under that puny little waistcoat?
Jason I do not think it is possible to overemphasize what I am about to say. I am not Hercu-LES.
Fozzie Oh, I get it — he's working undercover.
Bobo Shh! Don't get him mad! He'll rip up the train tracks and tie 'em around your neck!
Jason (grabs Bobo's collar) Yes, I might … if I was … Hercu-LES! Which I am NOT! Now if I may proceed with my investigation.
Bunsen Yes, yes, yes, please, everyone, let him proceed with his investigation.
Jason Ah, merci, merci. At last, someone with a little intelligence.
Bunsen What are you going to do first, fly around the earth backwards so you can reverse time and discover who really did it?
Jason (normal voice) Alright, first of all, I am not Hercules. Second of all, you are thinking of Superman, and not Hercules! And third of all, you cannot reverse time by flying backwards around the earth! I myself had a little problem with the logic in that part of the film.
Mr. Poodlepants Jason, please. You're breaking character.
Jason (walks over to him) I'm breaking character? (pokes him) You're supposed to be DEAD! This clown thinks I'm Superman, and the rest of these chuckleheads think I'm Hercules!! Alright, that's it! I've had it. You people are not professionals. You are not artists! If you want to see what great theater is really all about, watch my finale. In the meantime, I am outta here. WHOA!
He jumps off the train.
Fozzie I guess he's not as powerful as a locomotive. (honks his horn)

Backstage / Pigs in Space

Nigel Okay, nice job, team. Somebody tell Miss Piggy she's up next. Can somebody fetch me a stirring rod for my iced mocha, please?
A creature with a straw-like nose emerges.
Straw-nosed creature Sure!
He stirs the drink.
Nigel WILL YOU GET OUTTA HERE?? (the creature scats) Like I couldn't have done that myself. CUE PIGS IN SPACE! GO GO GO!
The opening title sequence plays.
A. Ligator Once again, it's time for Pigs in Space: Deep Dish Nine, the next generation of PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Captain Pighead Captain's log. Exploring the Ford Galaxy.
Everyone except Piggy snickers.
Captain Pighead Star date, chewy. (snicker) Star figs, nutty but moist. (snicker) Star prunes, sweet and wrinkled. (snicker) Star fish …
Miss Piggy Alright, knock it off! (sigh) I want to introduce the newest member of our crew, the latest in supercomputers, the AL-1995 Plus Tax. I will now test our computer's capabilities. AL, what is, oh, two plus two?
AL-1995 Plus Tax One moment. Calculating.
The "Jeopardy" theme plays.
Miss Piggy Calculating? AL? AL! AL?
AL-1995 Plus Tax I'm sorry, but by "plus", did you mean "make bigger"?
Miss Piggy Oh, brother.
The emergency alarm sounds. Everyone panics.
Snorty What's that? What's that?
Craniac Captain! We're being boarded by space pirates led by the infamous Princess Vendela!
Miss Piggy No! Not Princess Vendela! She's hideous, fat, dumpy and self-deluded! The sight of this monster princess is so grotesque, you may lose your appetite for food and drink! BACK! BACK! BACK!
The princess enters. The pigs stop and stare.
Vendela Hello, boys.
Craniac and Pighead whoop and holler.
Snorty Oh! Whoa! (to Pighead) I'm gonna go get the champagne and dip.
Captain Pighead (laughs)
Vendela Surrender peacefully, earth pigs, and I'll make you my personal slave.
Craniac, Snorty and Pighead look at each other, holding suitcases, then clamor to get to her.
Captain Pighead Get out of my way!
Snorty I'm going first! I'm going first!
Miss Piggy Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Freeze! (holds them at gunpoint) Alright! This is still my ship, Ven-DOOOOOO-la! I want you off it, little miss — miss, miss, miss, miss … miss … help me, boys.
Captain Pighead Perfection.
Craniac Pretty.
Snorty Gorgeous.
Miss Piggy That's not the road I was going down.
Vendela Ha!
Pighead, Snorty and Craniac follow Vendela out the door, singing.
Crew (except Piggy) ♪ Oh, we're going to her planet, to be her personal slaves. Whoa, whoa, wo-wo-wo-wo …
Craniac ♪ … to be her personal slaves! Ha!
AL-1995 Plus Tax Four.
Miss Piggy What?
AL-1995 Plus Tax Two plus two is four. (giggles) Oh, now I'm warmed up. Give me another one.
Miss Piggy I'll give you one! (kicks it)
AL-1995 Plus Tax Ow. Oh. Ow. Oh, nice pumps.
Miss Piggy Oh, thank you. (continues kicking)
AL-1995 Plus Tax Oh. Ow. Ow.
A. Ligator Join us again for another slice of outer-space adventure on Deep Dish Nine, the next generation of … PIGS… IN… SPACE!

Backstage

Gonzo talks to a set designer.
Gonzo Oh, that's a nice color, there. Why don't you slap it around the set a little bit? (she nods and walks off) Thanks, Madeline. You're — hmm?
Jason Gonzo, Gonzo. I gotta tell you, I'm having a real problem with this ten billion gigawatt laser cannon you want to add to the final number?
Gonzo Oh, don't worry, I took it out.
Jason Oh, good.
Gonzo And replaced it with this FIFTEEN billion gigawatt laser cannon! (rubs it)
Jason Gonzo — you're doing it again. This is exactly what we used to fight about in school. You always wanted to take art and — and ruin it with gratuitous special effects!
Gonzo Thank you.
Jason Alright, look — I am not letting you do this to the final number.
Gonzo Well, it's just like you to take something classy and high-minded, and leave it that way!
Jason I can't believe this — we've had this argument a million times! Theater is about emotion. It is about actors conveying that emotion to the audience!
Gonzo And what better way to convey that emotion than with lasers, explosions, and giant, robotic glow-in-the-dark insects?
Jason This is exactly what you did in school! Remember that production of Death of a Salesman you ruined?
Gonzo Well, if you're referring to my production of Death of a Transdimensional Giant Mutant Cyborg Salesman, that show was a hit! And it won a Pulitzer Prize.
Jason It did not win a Pulitzer Prize.
Gonzo Well, my mother liked it.
Jason It had no heart!
Gonzo Yes it did! It had four hearts! One for each head.
Jason (fumes) You're impossible!
Gonzo Well, what —
Clifford Hey, fellas, listen, how's the closing number coming?
Jason Well, we're having creative differences.
Gonzo Yeah, yeah, I'm creative and he's different.
Jason I'm different?? Alright, that does it. I am NEVER working with you again! You — you blue, big-nosed — FREAK! (storms off)
Gonzo Don't try to sweet-talk me! I'm not working with you either! (storms off)
A "sad trombone" sting is heard. Clifford looks around.
Clifford Well, that was a dramatic musical sting.
A bumblebee with a horn emerges.
Bumblebee Thank you! (walks away humming)


At the Bar

Mr. Callahan enters through the doors.
Polly Lobster ♪ If ya want my body, and ya think I'm sexy, come — Oh — Hi, Mr. Callahan! How ya doin'? The usual, huh? No? Well, let me see what else I got here. Ooh! Ooh, try this. Ha ha. (slides him a drink) How about that, huh? Huh? Huh? Isn't that good?
Mr. C takes a sip and starts seeing double.
Polly Lobster What's wrong, Mr. Callahan? Uh-oh … what a maroon! I gave you the liniment! Here, I'll fix it.
He slaps Mr. C, whose vision returns to normal.
Polly Lobster Feel better? (Mr. C nods) What's that? Oh, yeah, yeah, Clueless is in the back. I'll call him out. CLUELESS!
Applause as he comes out with a bag of cans.
Clueless Morgan Yeah, Polly, what is it? (notices applause) Oh! Oh my! Ha! Heh heh heh! Thank you! Hi, Polly. Hey, Mr. Callahan. Wha — ooh, silver lip gloss? I like it. (laughs)
Polly Lobster Hey Clueless, I see you're recycling cans. Hey, they say that's good for the environment.
Clueless Morgan What environment? It's my lunch. (eats the cans)
Polly Lobster (bursts out laughing)
Clueless Morgan Mm, I love canned food. (continues eating)
Polly Lobster (bursts out laughing)
Clueless Morgan What's funny?
Polly Lobster Just sing, Clueless. (laughs)
Clueless Morgan Alright. Paul?
Piano music swells up. Clueless and Polly sing "Ta-Ra-Ra-Boom-De-Ay" until Clueless gets hit with a sledgehammer and faints.
Polly Lobster (laughs) Hey Clueless, looks like you broke your ta-ra-ra!
Polly gets hit with the same hammer.
Polly Lobster Ooh! That smarts. (faints)

Muppet Bandstand

Clifford takes center stage.
Clifford (laughs) Yeah! Welcome back to Muppets Tonight. Uh, since Jason Alexander is still refusing to come out of his dressing room, heheh, let's take a trip back to the late 70's, yeah, where he was the nation's number one disco sensation. Here is his television debut, on a little show called Muppet Bandstand. Let's watch. Shall we?
A clip is shown on the monitor. Disco music plays as we zoom out on the "MB" logo and see Muppets dancing.
Kermit Okay, wasn't that great, huh? That was "I Slipped My Disco and I Can't Get Down" by the Village Idiots! Ahem. And now, here's our reigning disco queen, Miss Piggy, with her new partner, Jason Alexanderplatz!
Jason and Miss Piggy come out to applause. Jason gives a peace sign.
Miss Piggy (giggles) Hi! Hi!
Kermit Okay. So, so tell me there, Miss Piggy, how did you catch disco fever, huh?
Miss Piggy Well —
Jason Well, Kermit, it's not so much "disco fever" as "swine flu". (chuckles, holds her close)
Miss Piggy Watch it, Goldilocks, or you'll be dancing on crutches.
Kermit So uh, how about you there, Jason? Uh, when did you learn to dance, huh?
Jason Kermit, I learned to dance at the South Bay Regional Polytechnic Institute of Performing and Industrial Arts Night School. Wanna hear our fight song?
Miss Piggy No! The show's only an hour long.
Disco music starts playing.
Kermit Well, let's see you two get down and boogie-oogie-oogie!
They start dancing to "Boogie Oogie Oogie". Ultimately, Jason throws Piggy up to the rafters, then rips his vest off, sits in a chair, pulls a chain and douses himself with water. He gets up, catches Piggy when she falls, and the two of them finish dancing. Applause.
Kermit Wow, wasn't that great, folks? Huh? So, is there anybody back home you'd like to say hi to?
Jason Yeah, I'd love to —
Miss Piggy Don't touch the mic! You're soaking —
Jason touches the mic and gets a big electric shock.
Miss Piggy … wet.
Most of Jason's hair burns off, leaving a bald spot.
Jason My beautiful blonde hair! I'M RUINED! Now I'm just a short, neurotic bald guy with a New York accent! What can I do now? Where will I possibly fit in?
Miss Piggy A sitcom?
Jason Get real.
Switch to the nursing home.
Statler Mm. That last number was a real show-stopper.
Waldorf Too bad it didn't stop THIS show.
They chuckle.

Thor, God of Thunder

Open on a library.
A. Ligator And now, it's time for another exciting episode of Thor, God of Thunder. Tonight: "Thor Gets a Library Card".
Thor approaches the desk with two books.
Thor Ahem.
Librarian May I help you?
Thor I desire these books.
Librarian May I see your library card?
Thor I have no library card, for I am THOR, GOD OF THUNDER!
An earthquake happens. The patrons scatter, and a bookshelf falls on the librarian.
Thor Yes, run! Hahaha.
Librarian (gets up) Well, I — I am sorry, Mr. Thor, but you need a library card to take out those books.
Thor Oh?
Librarian Now, what I need at this point is some information — a driver's license, a social security card, a, uh … gym membership.
Thor I have no need for any of those things, for I am a god!
Librarian Perhaps you could give me a character reference?
Thor D'oh … ZEUS!
Zeus Huh? Thor?
Librarian Oh, good, that's a start—
Zeus and Thor corner each other.
Zeus Get thee ready to rumble!
Librarian Fellas?
The gods get behind a bookshelf and start shooting lighting bolts at each other.
Thor Ow! Oh, my loins! Now you've done it, Zeus!
He zaps Zeus, who zaps him back.
Thor Ow, my mythological buttocks!
Librarian Oh, I hate Mondays. No, no, no —
Zeus zaps away the librarian. Zeus and Thor continue their battle.
A. Ligator Join us next week, when Thor gets his cable hooked up, in another exciting adventure of Thor, God of Thunder.

Backstage

Nigel Make yourself useful! … Very good.
Zeus and Thor walk through the control room.
Zeus I really felt like we were going moment-to-moment there.
Thor Oh, absolutely. Your motivation was brilliant.
Zeus Oh, and the lighting looked wonderful.
Thor Yes, wonderful, very good.
Nigel Okay, okay, Thor, Zeus, nice work. Now, can somebody sweep up Ernest so that we can get to the closing number? Hmm?
Thor Okay, thank you, Nigel. Oh, uh, you have our 8x10s, don't you?
Zeus Oh, you know, you stepped on my line.
Thor Oh, I did not!
Zeus You did too.
Exit the gods, enter Clifford and Rizzo.
Clifford Man, this is bad, this is bad. We gotta get Jason and Gonzo back together, or we won't have a closing number.
Rizzo Well, there's really only one fair and honest thing to do.
Clifford Trick 'em?
Rizzo You got it.
Clifford (laughs) Yeah. — There he is.
Rizzo Oh, here he comes.
Gonzo enters, mumbling angrily.
Clifford Yo, Gonz. How's things going?
Gonzo Fine. Things are going just fine. Because I'm not working with Jason Alexander, and there's nothing you can do to trick me into it!
Clifford Uh, I don't wanna trick you, man, I just wanna ask you a question. What number am I thinking of?
Gonzo Uh, 2,346,822?
Clifford Whoa! Man, that's it! And that means you get to do the final closing number with Jason!
Rizzo Wow!
Gonzo I do?
Clifford Yeah!
Rizzo That — that's the rules. (laughs)
Gonzo Oh, well, then I'd better go get ready then! Huh! (runs off)
Rizzo hi-fives Clifford.
Clifford Man, that was way easy. Let's try it on Jason, shall we?
Switch to Jason's dressing room.
Jason Forget it, Clifford. There is no way that you're gonna trick me into working with Gonzo. And don't try that "guess which number I'm thinking of" routine on me. Heh. … 12,006?
Clifford It was three.
Jason (fumes, walks off) Three …
Rizzo Shall we go with the backup plan?
Clifford Yeah, yeah, do it …
Rizzo Okay, alright … (exits)
Clifford Uh, listen, Jason, we'll leave you alone. And just think about it. And listen to your conscience.
Rizzo Yeah. Your conscience. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon — (they exit)
Jason Well, that's what I am doing. And my conscience is telling me not to work with people who resort to cheesy special effects.
The room goes dark, and red and blue spotlights appear on Jason. Pepe appears with wings on Jason's right shoulder.
Pepe Ohhhhh. I am your good conscience. And I think you should do the closing number with Gon-so.
Jason Yeah, well —
Seymour appears on his other shoulder, holding a trident.
Seymour And I am your bad conscience. And I also think you should do the closing number with (pokes him) Gonzo.
Pepe Yes, and we usually never agree, okay.
Seymour Yeah.
Jason Alright, listen, guys, that's enough. Would you just get off of me?
Pepe But— but we haven't done our song yet.
Seymour Yeah.
Jason Huh?
They start bouncing as their theme music begins.
Seymour ♪ I'm Bad Conscience.
Pepe ♪ I'm Good Conscience.
Both ♪ We're two of a kind.
Pepe ♪ I think you should do the closing number.
Seymour ♪ And I also think so too.
The music stops.
Pepe Uh, well, we're — working on the lyrics, okay.
Seymour Yeah.
Jason Listen, guys, I have to tell you, normally, as a matter of principle, I would not do this number. But I'm gonna do it, if only to get this stupid elephant off of my BACK! (shoves Seymour)
Pepe Does that mean I can stay?
Jason No. (punches Pepe off)
The lights come back on.
Jason Alright, Alexander. You're a man of the theater. And the show must go on.
Seymour (unseen) Yes!
Pepe (unseen) ¡Si!

BATS

Goodnights

The credits roll. Outtakes are shown of Animal's gong routine, and Jason with Seymour and Pepe.