Cold open

Clifford hangs up a receiver. Andy and Randy walk by.
Randy So he told me, "Ice cubes are just made of water."
Andy Really?
Clifford Yo, yo, yo, yo, Andy, Randy, yo, yo —
Andy & Randy (nodding) Yo yo yo yo …
Clifford Listen, listen, I got a job for you two.
Andy & Randy Ooh!
Clifford How would you like to work the telephones? It'll be fun.
Andy What's a telephone?
Randy What's fun?
A beat.
Clifford It's simple. Just go behind the desk, okay?
Randy Simple. Okay, here we go.
Andy Simple. Thanks!
Clifford Go, go. Now, all you have to do is pick up the phone and say "hello".
They pick up the phones off the desk.
Andy Hello.
Clifford No, not the whole phone! Pick up the receiver! The — the little thing with the curly wire!
Andy & Randy (look at each other) This job's too hard! (set the phones down)
Clifford No, the part on top!
Andy Oh. Ahem.
They pick up their receivers.
Andy & Randy Hello?
Clifford No, no, put it down, put it down! Wait until it rings!
Andy Oh, oh.
They put the receivers down. One of the phones rings.
Clifford Now, pick it up.
They pick up the receivers and do nothing.
Clifford And say hello into the phone!
Andy & Randy (into receivers) Hello into the phone!
Andy What? The winner of what? Fourteen million dollars?
Randy Ooh!
Andy Well, no thank you. We cannot count that high.
They hang up.
Clifford Man, you pigs are stupid! I can't believe you just turned down fourteen million dollars!
Andy Oh, we didn't. It was for you.
Clifford quivers in frustration.
Andy & Randy Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo …


Theme

Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star, Sandra Bullock! YAAAYY!
He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.


While You Were Slapping

Open on the house band. Clifford comes onstage to applause.
A. Ligator And now, here's the host of our show, C'lifford!
Clifford Yeah. Yeah! Thank you, thank you. Before we get started, I'd like to get something off my chest.
He opens his coat. A butterfly flies out of it. Mr. Poodlepants catches it in a net.
Mr. Poodlepants Ooh! A yellow belly flutter baby! What a delightful addition to my collection! (laughs)
He is caught in a bigger net.
Doglion Ooh! Ooh, a cauliflower-topped chucklehead! What a delightful addition to my collection! (laughs) Come on.
They exit laughing.
Clifford (laughs) Any hue, our guest tonight is talented, beautiful, and she drives a mean bus. I'm talking about none other than, Miss Sandra Bullock!
She comes out to applause and a fanfare.
Clifford Give it up! Give it up! Hey, lady.
Sandra (shakes his hand) Thank you, Clifford. It's a real thrill to be here, but I have to admit, it's a … (continues shaking) … little overwhelming being on live television and everything …
Clifford A big movie star like you? Well, what do you have to be nervous about?
Sandra (continues shaking) It's just that I'm a little afraid, you know, when people see me on this show, they're not gonna like me …
Clifford Uh, Sandra …
Sandra (continues shaking) … and then they're gonna do that channel surfing thing, and the ratings are gonna go down, and then …
Clifford Hello?
Sandra (continues shaking) … you know, you're gonna be disappointed in me and not ask me back, ever, and … (hyperventilates)
Clifford Man, you are nervous, aren't you?
Sandra A little, maybe. (chuckles, lets go of his hand) You know what, maybe, why don't we, why don't we, why don't we just show a clip from my new film?
Clifford Yeah! Okay, good.
Sandra Okay.
Clifford Why don't you tell us about it?
Sandra Okay, it's a — it's a follow-up to my While You Were Sleeping. It's called While You Were Slapping. I really hope you like it.
The monitor is lowered.
Clifford Oh, of course we will. Let's roll it, shall we?
Applause.
Sandra Okay.
Clifford (notices his long arm) Oh, man, look at my arm! (runs offstage)
The clip is played on the monitor. Bill is in a hospital bed with his family by his side.
Bill's dad There there, dear. He'll be okay.
Sandra How is Bill? Is he still in a coma? (sits down)
Bill's dad Hey, you can't be in here. This is for family only. (slaps her)
Sandra Hey, you can't slap me. I saved Bill's life. And besides, I'm his fiancee. (slaps him back)
Bill's mom You can't marry Bill. you're not like him. Bubbles come out of his head. (slaps her)
Sandra They do, and— and— and that's what I love about him. (slaps her back)
Bill's grandma Bubbles come out of all of our heads. (slaps her)
Sandra (tearing up) I know, and that's what I love about all of you guys! (slaps all four of them)
Bill's sister Do bubbles come out of your head?
Sandra No, but I'm willing to convert.
Sister & grandma What??
All four of them slap Sandra.

The Bomber

Clifford and Bobo watch the show from backstage and laugh.
Clifford Man, that Sandra Bullock is cute, isn't she?
Bobo Well, I dunno, she's not my type. Not enough fat on her, y'know? Yeah. She'd never make it through the winter, that's for sure. (laughs)
Clifford Anyway, Bobo, I really appreciate you taking over the switchboard, man. Those pigs were driving me nuts.
Bobo Oh, incorrigible little fellas, aren't they?
Clifford Mmm.
Bobo Well, don't you worry, chief. Ooh, nice chair. (sits) Aahhh. Yep. Answering the phones is — easy as — falling off a log. (falls off the chair)
Clifford Are you alright?
Bobo Yeah, I'm okay. (gets up) I just — oh.
The phone rings.
Bobo Heh - bit ironic, don't you think? There, there I was talking about falling off a log, and then — and then I —
Clifford Just get the phone, Bobo.
Bobo Okay. (answers it)
Clifford Later.
Bobo Take care. Muppets Tonight. How can I help you?
Bomber (JN) Alright, man, listen and listen good.
Bobo Okay.
Bomber (JN) There's a bomb in your studio.
Bobo Oh, I know. I read this week's script too. (laughs) Have a good day, sir! (hangs up)
Bomber (JN) Hey! (redials)
Bobo (using a battery-fan) Oh, that's nice. (answers phone)
Bomber (JN) Don't hang up again!
Bobo Okay, whatever you say, sir.
Bomber (JN) Now listen to me, and listen carefully.
Bobo Okay.
Bomber (JN) I have something very important to tell you.
Bobo Oh, uh, uh, should I write this down?
Bomber (JN) Yes! It's important!
Bobo Okay, um, well, uh, I'm gonna need to put you on hold, sir. Uh, I need to find a pencil.
Bomber (JN) Hey, no —
Bobo puts him on hold. "The Rainbow Connection" plays.
Bomber (JN) (groans)


The Psychiatrist's Office

Clifford onstage.
Clifford And now, ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to take you to a psychiatrist's office, in a sketch we call … "The Psychiatrist's Office". Man, who wrote this stuff?
Switch to the psychiatrist's office. Dr. Bullock hears a knock on the door.
Sandra Uh, please come in — Mr. Frog.
Kermit enters.
Sandra That'll be a hundred dollars.
Kermit But I haven't said anything yet.
Sandra Yes you did. Just now.
Kermit Okay, well, um, I'll pay on the way out.
Sandra Then it'll be $150. Please, have a seat.
Kermit Oh. Ahem. Uh, here?
Sandra Yes.
They both sit.
Kermit Ahem.
Sandra So what seems to be the problem?
Kermit Well, doctor, I see these strange creatures every time I say the word, um, "phenomena".
Cue the music and the Snowths.
Snowths ♪ Doot doo do-do-do!
Kermit "Phenomena".
Snowths ♪ Doot doo-doot do!
Kermit "Phenomena".
Snowths ♪ Doot doo do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do doot doot doo-doot do!
Sandra It's the strangest thing I've ever seen. Do you mind if I try it?
Kermit Uh, sure.
Sandra Ahem. "Phenomena".
Cue the music and the Snowths.
Snowths ♪ Doot doo do-do-do!
Sandra "Phenomena".
Snowths ♪ Doot doo-doot do!
Sandra "Phenomena".
Snowths ♪ Doot doo do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do doot doot doo-doot do!
She takes off her glasses, gets up and scats the word while letting her hair down and dancing. The Snowths stare at her. She sits back down and puts her glasses back on while finishing the song.
Sandra "Phenomena".
Snowths ♪ Doot doo do-do-do!
Sandra "Phenomena".
Snowths ♪ Doot doo-doot do!
Sandra "Phenomena".
Snowths ♪ Doot doo do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do doot doot doo-doot do!
Kermit Boy. You sure are crazy.
Sandra I know. You should see what happens when I say "♪ Shave and a haircut" —
Doglion appears in a tutu on her desk.
Doglion ♪ Two bits.
Kermit Wow, that was worth the hundred bucks.
Sandra $150.
Kermit (whimpers)


The Bomber cont'd

Bobo is on the phone with the bomber.
Bomber (JN) What do you have so far? Read it back to me.
Bobo Oh, uh, uh, "Listen to me and listen carefully, man" …
Bomber (JN) … That's it? I've been talking for five minutes here!
Bobo I'm not very good at writing! I'm a bear! If you want roots dug up, I'm your bear. But writing is not what I do.
Bomber (JN) (taps phone) Listen, is there anyone else there I can talk to?
Bobo Well, I — oh, oh, wait, here comes the host of Muppets Tonight, C'lifford. (hands it to Clifford) Here you go.
Clifford Yeah? What's up, what's up? Muppets Tonight. Can I help you?
Bomber (JN) Listen to me and listen carefully, man …
Clifford Uh-huh.
Bomber (JN) … if your ratings fall below 50, a bomb's gonna go off in your studio!
Clifford … Are you from the network?
Bomber (JN) No, I'm serious! Now, keep your ratings above 50 or else, man! (laughs)
Clifford 50? We can't keep our ratings that high!
Bomber (JN) (laughs) Well, that's your problem! Yeah, now put me back on hold. I wanna learn the rest of that song.
Clifford (hands it to Bobo) Yeah, put him on hold.
Rizzo Whoa — chief? Hey, what's up, chief?
Clifford Oh, this is bad, bad. They're gonna blow up the studio if our ratings drop below 50.
Rizzo (gasp) Oh no. Oh no, this — this is the end. (gasp) My whole life is passing before my eyes! Oh! The sewers of Delancey Street! Alligators everywhere! "MA! SAVE YOURSELF!!"
Clifford (punches Rizzo) Snap out of it.
Rizzo I'm alright. It's just that my agent's watching. I wanted to give him a little taste of what I can do.
Clifford Oh, come on, man, we got a crisis!
Rizzo Okay! Okay!
They run off together. Meanwhile Bobo continues using the battery-fan, accidentally touching the blade multiple times.
Bobo Oh, it's gonna be a hot one. AY! OOH! OW!
He eats the fan.


The Tubmans of Porksmith

Open on Howard finishing dinner at the table.
A. Ligator And now, the continuing saga of America's oldest and fattest family, The Tubmans of Porksmith.
Howard (burps) Back up. Ooh.
Carter (serves him a plate of wings) There you are, sir.
Howard Oh, my aching gut.
Carter Oh my — oh my. You ate the whole buffalo? You were supposed to save some for Washington's birthday!
Howard Oh, that Washington can get his own buffalo. I was hungry! (gets up and walks) Oh, Carter, you're right, though, you're right.
Carter Yes, sir?
Howard I've got to stop eating so much.
Carter Well, sir, I've taken the liberty of — of having Dr. Tremblay come over to hypnotize you so you can control your appetite.
Howard Oh, terrific.
Dr. Tremblay Mr. Tubman, are you ready to be hypnotized?
Carter Yes, Tremblay, let's get right to it. If you can get me down to a trim 250 pounds, I'll be forever indebted to you. (burps) Heck, if you can get my right cheek down to 250 I'll be happy.
Dr. Tremblay Alright. Now. (holds up a feather) You are getting sleepy.
Howard (in a trance) I am getting hungrier.
Dr. Tremblay No — you are getting sleepier.
Howard Yes, I know, but I love a snack right before I go to bed.
Dr. Tremblay (fumes) Poof! You're asleep!
Howard (burps, passes out)
Dr. Tremblay Now, inside every fat person, is a thin person, struggling to get out.
Howard (burps)
Dr. Tremblay Now, let us call forth that slim, trim Howard …
Howard Howard …
Dr. Tremblay … who lives inside of you.
Howard Yeah.
Dr. Tremblay Come out. Come out, I say!
A hula dancer appears and starts doing the hula.
Dr. Tremblay Who are you?
Hula girl I'm the opening act.
Dr. Tremblay Get back in there!
She gets back in. Howard burps.
Dr. Tremblay Where were we? Ah, yes. Thin Howard! We want the thin Howard!
Howard Thin Howard.
Dr. Tremblay Come out, thin Howard!
Howard burps. A skinnier version of him appears.
Dr. Tremblay Mr. Tubman! Wake up.
Howard (burps, wakes up) … Who are you?
Thin Howard I'm the thin Howard who lives inside of you. And boy, am I hungry.
Howard Me too! Let's eat. (laughs) Terrific.
They sit down and chow down. Dr. Tremblay looks flabbergasted.
Dr. Tremblay Wha — but — (stammers) — oh, I give up! This is terrible!
Howard Could you pass the butter? Oh — how are those apples? Good?
Dr. Tremblay (sniffs) Mmm, hot buttered yams, my favorite.


Backstage

Clifford, Rizzo and Nigel look closely at the ratings meter, which teeters at 50.
Clifford Oh! Oh, man, Riz, what are we gonna do? How are we gonna keep the ratings above 50?
Rizzo Well — well, the first thing you gotta do is you gotta get rid of this act.
He leads Clifford to a monitor. Onstage, two flat-faced characters bang against anvils as "The Anvil Chorus" plays.
Clifford Awww, man!
Rizzo Oh brother.
Sandra enters with a basket.
Sandra Hey, Clifford?
Clifford Yeah?
Sandra Um, I dunno what you consider a muffin basket, but if I were the producers, I'd give the guest star a basket with more than just one muffin.
Rizzo Oh, sure. But then it would be a muffins basket.
Clifford Oh, sorry, Sandra, no time to talk. We've got a mad bomber on our hands!
Sandra Don't tell me — if the ratings dip below 50, something's gonna blow up the building.
Clifford Hey, how'd you know that?
Sandra Because it's a plot to one of the movies that I did, Speed. Didn't anybody see it?
Muppets No.
Rizzo But obviously the writers did.
Sandra Oh, then that explains it.
She puts down the basket and thinks out loud as suspenseful drum music plays.
Sandra Okay. Alright, listen. This is what we're gonna do. Let me think a minute — okay. (claps) Get me Keanu Reeves.
Clifford He's booked.
Sandra (snaps fingers) Too bad, he's a good kisser. Okay — Rizzo, call the bomb squad.
Rizzo Hey bomb squad!
Sandra Use the phone.
Rizzo Oh, oh, yeah, right.
Sandra (points to Bunsen and Beaker) You two! I want you to get me a list of any whacko or freak that's been in the building for the past two days.
Dr. Bunsen That's everybody!
Beaker (meeps)
Sandra Then never mind. Okay!
Clifford What? What?
Sandra (to Andy and Randy) You two, I want you to find out where that call came from, then I want you to trace that call.
Andy Okay, thank you. Randy, go get some tracing paper.
Randy Okay. — What's paper?
Sandra Just do it.
Andy Right, yes ma'am. (they run off)
Sandra And you — please, stop that infernal drumming!
Animal (stops drumming) Sorry.
Sandra That's alright.
Nigel Sandra, the ratings are almost at 50!
Sandra Omigosh, omigosh, what's — what's on the air right now?
Nigel Uh, Wall Street Wanderings with Ernest Pleth!
They see the show on a monitor. Ernest sits in front of a balance sheet backdrop.
Ernest I'm wondering, if the prospects for the economic growth will be debilitated by the inflationary matrix …
Clifford Oh — oh — AWW! Man, Ernest is killin' us!
Sandra Clifford, we need the biggest ratings grabber you've got.
Clifford Well, there's one thing everybody's been wanting to see more of.
Sandra Then put it on!
Ernest Due to the economic indicators, I've also been won … dering …
Go-go music starts playing and colored spotlights flood the stage. Spamela Hamderson comes out in a bikini and starts dancing.
Ernest … who that extremely attractive young woman is!
Spamela Hi! Do you like to boogie?
Ernest Yes, I do!
He starts dancing with her.
Rizzo (dances) Oh man, this is g-reat!
Clifford Yeah! The ratings are way above 50!
Rizzo Oh yeah, the ratings. They're good too. (laughs) — OW!
Sandra flicks Rizzo on the ear.


Lobby

Bobo sits at the phones, asleep while a phone rings. Andy and Randy encounter the phone outlet on the wall.
Andy Ooh, Randy, look! We should start here.
Randy Ooh!
They start pulling the phone wire out of the wall. Bobo wakes up.
Bobo Ohohohohoh — hold it up, there, fellas. What do you think you're doing?
Randy Well — Sandra Buttocks told us to trace a phone call.
Bobo You mean to tell me — you're gonna trace the call, by pulling every wire out of every wall in this five-story building?
Andy Yeah.
Randy Yeah.
Bobo Works for me.
He goes back to sleep. Andy and Randy start pulling the wire out.
Randy Okay…
Andy & Randy (grunting)

Backstage

Sandra, Clifford and Rizzo watch the monitor.
Sandra Uh-oh. Spamela's getting tired.
Clifford Yeah, but Ernest is going strong.
Rizzo (laughs)
Ernest dances wildly with his shirt off.
Ernest Oh, sock it to me, mama!
Spamela (moans)
The ratings needle gets closer to 50.
Clifford Don't go there. Don't go there.
Rizzo No no no no no no …
Clifford Aw, this is bad. Bad! The ratings are starting to dip. Dip!
Sandra Don't worry, Clifford, I'm gonna go find us some more acts. Acts! (exits)
Clifford Is she making fun of me? Me?
Gonzo Clifford! Why don't we run this episode of Muppet Babies?
Zippety Zap Hey, I've got an episode of Seinfeld!
Gonzo and Zippety bump into each other, breaking and unraveling their tapes.
Clifford Ooh, that doesn't look good.
Zippety Zap Oh, man.
Gonzo Oh no, you've got your Seinfeld all over my Muppet Babies!
Zippety Zap Well, you've got your Muppet Babies all over my Seinfeld!
Gonzo Oh! Hey, wait a minute! Why don't we run 'em together and see what we've got?
Pause. Clifford gives him a blank stare.
Gonzo Well, it worked with peanut butter and chocolate.

Seinfeld Babies

Open on the babies in a crib.
Theme

♪ Seinfeld Babies, they make your makes come true.
♪ Seinfeld (Seinfeld) Babies!

Baby Jerry You know, I don't understand the concept of changing. Why do they call it changing? My parents say they're gonna change me, but then after they do, I'm exactly the same!
Baby George Hey uh, Jerry, Elaine, uh — am I going bald? Because I think I am.
Baby Kramer Uh — Baby Jerry, can I borrow some spare formula?
Baby Jerry Help yourself.
Baby Kramer Giddy! Oh — George, little buddy, you look like you're going bald.
Baby George D'ohhhhh, I knew it!
Kramer quivers away. Switch to the nursing home.
Statler Hmm. You know, this show really improves with age.
Waldorf Why? Because the jokes get better?
Statler No, because my hearing gets worse!
They chuckle. Switch back to the show.
Baby Jerry Okay, so that's it. The one who can go the longest without a diaper change wins the contest.
Baby Kramer (grunts) — I'm out. Gahh —
They all cry. The theme resumes. Meanwhile, Clifford and Gonzo notice the ratings climb.
Clifford Oh! Well, the ratings are looking steady.
Rizzo (holding his nose) Yeah, but the sketch is getting kinda ripe.
Gonzo Oh, don't worry, I've got an act all ready to go.
Clifford Well, get 'em out there, man!
Gonzo Yes! (runs onstage)


Sid Knishes

Main stage. Gonzo enters.
Gonzo And now, music lovers, all the way from London's East End, Sid Knishes and his Mosh Pit-tatoes!
Gonzo is trampled by punk potatoes as Sid takes the stage.
Sid Knishes Right! This one goes out to me ol' pal, Johnny au Gratin! Two three four —
Sid sings an up-tempo, unintelligible punk song as the potatoes mosh around. Nigel and the others headbang backstage.
Clifford Man, these spuds are slammin'!
Rizzo Sid Knishes rules!! (laughs)
Clifford Yeah! (kicks Rizzo)
Gonzo (notices the monitor) Oh no! Something's happened to my taters!
Clifford Oh man, they're mashed!
As the tempo slows, the crowd of potatoes has turned into a sea of mash. Sid jumps into the sea and crowd-surfs.
Sid Knishes Oh yeah! Oh yeah! … Oh yeah! Mash! Mash! Oh! Oh!
Rizzo Oh, no, no, Clifford, the ratings are dropping fast!
Clifford Oh no! Rizzo, Rizzo —
Rizzo Yeah yeah yeah?
Clifford Here's what I want you to do.
Rizzo Okay!
Clifford First get somebody on stage.
Rizzo On stage, yeah.
Clifford Okay, second, second, we need Sandra downstairs right away.
Rizzo Right away, right away, right away.
Clifford And third — third? Get me a heap, a bowlful of those creamy-looking dudes over by the bass player. You see the ones I'm talking about?
Nigel (to weasel) Cue Gonzo! CUE CUE CUE CUE CUE!

More acts

Main stage. Gonzo enters.
Gonzo Okay, polka-lovers! Here's Frankie Yakovic and his Polka Dots!
Frankie Thank you, thank you, Gonzo!
Frankie takes the stage, playing the accordion as some colored dots dance around him.
Frankie Now that's what I call a-dancing!
A giant cane yanks him offstage. Gonzo, Rizzo, Johnny and Sal watch from the wings.
Rizzo (panicking) Next! Oh, next!
Johnny Oh, that would be me.
Sal Go, Johnny, Go!
Rizzo Go go go go go go!
Johnny Oh, okay —
Johnny takes the stage as the backdrop changes to one of NYC.
Johnny Ha ha! Two three four!
He sings a bar of "Mack the Knife" until he is chased by a shark.
Sal Hey! Hey you, Jaws 3D, come here, come here, come here!
Rizzo That's it! We got nothing else! (sobs)
Bill Wait, what's all this?
Rizzo (shoves him) Bill! Bill, Bill! Onstage! Go go go go go! Shoo! Shoo!
Bill Stage? But — hey … Rizzo?
Stagehands change the backdrop to a flowery park.
Bill Ladies and gentlemen, for your entertainment, I would like … to …
Rizzo Anything! Make something up!
Bill … uh, I'd like to do the Flight of the Bubblebee. Music!
He blows bubbles out of his head as "Flight of the Bumblebee" plays.
Bill (grunts) — ooh, a nickel. (grunts) I'm blowin'. (grunts) That's all I have.
Rizzo Stretch! Stretch!
Bill Alright, alright, let me blow a deuce. (grunts) Oh, that was it! That was a deuce!
Johnny, Sal and the shark run past him.
Bill Was that a — was that a shark?


Seymour & Pepe

Gonzo Oh no! Oh no no no no no!
Rizzo (sobs)
Seymour Hey, hey, put us on! We've got an act.
Pepe Yes.
Rizzo Are we that desperate?
Gonzo YES!
Rizzo YES! GO ON! GO ON!
They shove Seymour and Pepe onstage. The backdrop is changed to a vaudevillian curtain.
Pepe Hahaha. Richard?
The theme music begins.
Seymour ♪ I'm Seymour.
Pepe ♪ I'm Pepe.
Both ♪ We're two of a kind.
Pepe ♪ I'm a little bit forward.
Seymour ♪ And I've got a big behind.
Pepe Say, Seymour?
Seymour Yes, Pepe?
Pepe What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
Seymour Gee, I don't know. What?
The music stops.
Pepe "Elefino".
Rimshot. The audience stares, jaws agape.
Pepe Uh, "Elefino"!
Rimshot. Nothing.
Seymour Gee, Pepe, I don't think they get it.
Pepe "Elefino"! Why do I have to 'splain to you people, okay? "Elefino"!
Seymour What, what —
Pepe Help me out here! "Elefino"!
Rizzo and Gonzo watch from the wings. Rizzo is about to burst.
Gonzo Don't yell at them!


Backstage

The needle is teetering at 50.
Clifford Uh-oh, guys, look! Look at the ratings!
Nigel Oh no.
Clifford Aw, this is grim! Grim!
Randy Clifford!
Andy & Randy Yo yo yo yo!
Randy What's up?
Andy Remember that thing you told us to do, that we can't remember what it is — well, we did it!
Clifford You traced that call?
Randy Yeah, that was it.
Andy Yes! We found the mad bomber!
Clifford Come on, everybody! Follow the pigs! They found the mad bomber! Come on, let's go!
Randy Come on!
Andy Let's go, everybody!
A sped-up chase begins, leading back to where they started.
Andy Follow the pigs! Follow the pigs!
Clifford Come on, everybody, let's go, let's go.
Randy I know what we did. Come on!
Muppets (random) This way! Come on! Let's go!
The chase resumes, leading them through the nursing home.
Statler (laughs) … What the?
Waldorf How come that never happens when we're watching the Hot Bodies Bikini Contest?
They chuckle.



Seymour & Pepe cont'd

Seymour wears a tag reading "ELA-IF" and stands next to a card with a picture of a rhino that reads "I-KNOW". Pepe points to them with a wand.
Pepe Okay, okay. Elephant.
Seymour Elephant.
Pepe "ELA-IF". … Rhino …
Seymour Rhino.
Pepe "I-KNOW" … "Elefino" …
Rimshot. Still no reaction.
Pepe Unbelievable! I can't believe it! How many times, how many times we gotta do?
Seymour Gee, Pepe, maybe we should just sing the song.
Pepe … okay.
The theme music begins.
Seymour ♪ I'm Seymour.
Pepe ♪ I'm Pepe.
Both ♪ We're two of a kind.
Pepe ♪ I'm a little bit forward.
Seymour ♪ And I've got a big behind.
Pepe Ha ha ha ha ,,,
They are yanked away by the giant cane. Rizzo frets.
Gonzo That's a couple of sandwiches shy of a picnic basket.


Backstage

The pigs lead the chase past Bobo. Spamela and Ernest have joined them.
Randy Hey! There it is, there it is! There it is, right there!
Clifford Alright, alright. Stay back, everyone. The mad bomber is in the closet. I don't want anyone tryin' any dangerous, macho, save-the-day heroics.
Spamela But I love dangerous, macho, save-the-day heroics.
A beat.
Clifford Look out, everybody! I'm breaking down the door!
He runs into the door and faints. The door swings open. The bomber emerges.
Andy & Randy Wee, wee, wee …
Clifford Alright. Who are you, anyway?
Bomber (JN) Well, to tell you the truth, man … (Sandra's voice) Oh gosh, what's the point?
The bomber takes off a mask to reveal Sandra in disguise.
Muppets Sandra Bullock??
Ernest Yeah! Take off some more, baby!
Clifford Ernest.
Ernest Sorry.
Clifford Sandra. You're the mad bomber? Why?
Sandra Oh … Clifford, there's no bomb. I just wanted the ratings to be really high so the show would be a huge success and you'd like me and then you'd … ask me back again.
Clifford What are you worried about the ratings for? People love you!
Muppets (murmuring in agreement)
Clifford They love your movies, they — they love you no matter what you do!
Andy & Randy Yeah.
Sandra Really?
Clifford Sure! Sandra, you could do anything and people would enjoy it.
Sandra I — I — I could do anything?
Clifford Anything.
Sandra Anything?
Clifford (high-pitched) Anything.
Sandra Anything?
Clifford My voice don't go that high. Do it, girl.
Sandra Great. (exits)


Goodnights

Moments later, Sandra comes onstage in a haphazard one-man band outfit, singing "Alexander's Ragtime Band" off-key. Clifford and Rizzo watch on the monitor.
Rizzo You had to say she could do anything.
Clifford Aw, come on, come on, we'd better get out there and say goodnight.
Rizzo Alright. (they exit)
Nigel Oh boy, this one's gonna be a challenge.
Clifford and Rizzo come onstage as Sandra continues "singing".
Clifford Yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for, Sandra Bullock! Yeah, give it up! Give it up! Heh heh heh.
Applause.
Sandra Clifford! I'm not done yet!
Clifford I can't hear you!
The applause gets louder.
Clifford Thanks for coming on the show, and for doing such a great job! You can come back any time!
Rizzo groans, covering his ears.
Clifford Oh, come on, Riz. Just wave and smile. She won't know the difference. (waves, laughs)
Rizzo (waves, laughs) Yeah, nice! Very nice! That's wonderful, yeah.
Applause. Fade to black.


Epilogue

After the show, Sandra is still onstage singing "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt". Beauregard observes her.
Beauregard Excuse me, Sandra? Sandra, here are the keys. Could you lock the door when you are done?
Sandra (out of breath) Okay.
Beauregard Just lock it.
Sandra (out of breath) Okay.
Beauregard Thank you. 'Night.
Sandra (out of breath) Goodnight. Seven, eight. (continues singing)
The credits roll. Outtakes are shown of Seymour and Pepe's routine, Clifford and Rizzo backstage, interactions with Sandra, and the cold open.