Theme

Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Florence Henderson!
The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!

Male chorus

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!

The curtain opens on Fozzie, who takes off his hat.
Fozzie Prices are so high, yesterday I bought a pound of hamburger and had to have a cosigner.
The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit

To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Miss Florence Henderson!

Florence01
Florence shares a laugh with the monsters from an upcoming number.
Kermit But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang

On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!

107gong
Gonzo successfully strikes the O as the sign rises into the rafters.

Opening act

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, welcome to the show, and what a fantastic program we have for you tonight. Our guest star is the beautiful and talented Florence Henderson. Boy, she is really great. But to open the show, one of the most exciting acrobatic acts in the entire business, the Bouncing Borcellino Brothers. They've been bouncing since they were baby boys. In fact, the doctor wasn't even sure they were boys until they stopped bouncing. So here they are, all the way from Boston, the Bouncing Borcellino Brothers! Yeah!
Circus music plays as the brothers run around the stage. They eventually disperse.
Tiny El pyramido. The pyramid. (drumroll) One!
Brother #1 takes his position.
Tiny Two!
Brother #2 takes his position next to Brother #1.
Tiny Three!
Brother #3 takes his position next to Brother #1.
Tiny Four!
Brother #4 stands on top of #1 and #2.
Tiny Five!
Brother #5 stands on top of #2 and #3. They start trembling from the pressure.
Florence02
Tiny Six — that's me.
He gets on top of #4 and #5, and CRACK! the floor breaks underneath them.
Brother #5 Why did you do that, Tiny?
Tiny I didn't do nothin'.
Brother #5 I told you not to get on the top.
Waldorf Well, they really brought down the house.
Statler Well, at least the stage.
They chuckle.

Backstage

The Borcellino Brothers walk past Kermit, bickering.
Brother #5 … 975 pounds! I told you not to get on the top!
Kermit Uh, you're a big disappointment, you guys.
George the janitor Hey, will you guys watch it? Hey, watch it.
Kermit George? Uh, will you go out there and clean up after the pigs, please?
George the janitor I am sick and tired of cleaning up after them lousy pigs!
Kermit Well, George, you can always quit.
George the janitor What? And get out of show business?
Florence03
Kermit (scowls) George, will you move the body?
George the janitor All right, I'll move the body.
WHAP! Kermit gets a mop in the face.
George the janitor (looks down) I moved the body. (walks off)

Talking Houses

Zoom in on the two left houses.
Florence04
House 2 My brother has ghosts in his attic.
House 1 Sounds scary.
House 2 Yeah. He's on the Ten Most Haunted list.
Zoom out. Musical button.

"Elusive Butterfly"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, we're happy now, truly, to present a star of stage, screen and television, the mother of six on The Brady Bunch, and the mother of her own bunch of four at home, our guest for the evening, the lovely Miss Florence Henderson.
Elusive-butterfly
Florence fades in and out of a misty forest as she sings "Elusive Butterfly". As the song comes to a close, she disappears for the last time, her tie-dyed muumuu dissolving into a collection of multi-colored butterflies.

Backstage

The Borcellino Brothers pass Kermit, now wearing bandages.
Brother #5 I told you not to let fatso on the top.
Brother #3 Well don't blame me, Pop, I'm only a young pig.
Kermit (shoos them away) Uh, pigs? Listen, pigs. Will you guys get out of here, please? Come on, pigs. Out! Out! Move it! Move it! Get out of here. Out, out, out, out, out!
Miss Piggy (enamored) Oh, Kermit. You have such a masculine yell.
Kermit (unmoved) Oh, yeah.
Miss Piggy (throws herself at him) Is there anything at all, anything I can do for you, my dear?
Kermit Uh, no.
Miss Piggy Because I want to make you happy.
Kermit Uh, good.
Miss Piggy When you're happy, the pig is happy.
Kermit Uh, wonderful.
Miss Piggy Oh, my love! My life!
She starts vigorously making out with him, grunting. Kermit is disgusted when she finishes.
Florence05
Miss Piggy Forgive me for being so forward, but I'm a liberated pig. Ta. (trots off)
Kermit Must be my animal musk. (winces)

At the Dance

Couples dance in a ballroom. George dances with Mildred, hitting her in the chin.
George the janitor Two, three, four, two, three...
Florence06
George the janitor You know, the trouble with kids today is they don't know what they want. When I was a kid, I never wanted that.
Piggy dances wildly with another pig.
Mildred They're just a couple of floor hogs.
George the janitor Yeah. (continues hitting her in the chin)
Florence07
Purple Heap Uh, I don't know, maybe it's the wine talking - in fact, I'm sure it is - but you're beautiful.
Green Heap (giggles)
Rowlf dances with a woman.
Rowlf Aw, tell me the truth. You really don't like dancing with a dog, do you?
Woman What makes you say that?
Rowlf It's that flea collar you're wearing.
George sways Mildred across the floor. Two rats dance.
Male rat I think we ought to move out of the ghetto and find ourselves a nice little dump in the suburbs.
Female rat Oh, honey, I love you like the plague.
The loud lady dances with the green man.
Loud lady (softly) Can we take this moment to announce our engagement?
Green man Ehh, why not?
Loud lady (loudly) Oh! We're engaged! (laughs hysterically) I've waited so long! We're engaged!

Talk Spot

Kermit and Florence gaze in each others' eyes.
Kermit Florence, your eyes are like two limpid pools.
Florence Oh, that's very sweet, Kermit.
Kermit And when I look into your eyes, I'm spellbound. And when I look into those eyes I see... I see...
Enter Piggy, behind Florence.
Florence Yes? Come on, tell me what you see.
Kermit I see trouble.
Miss Piggy Hm, hm, hm. Well, well, well. While the pig's away, the frog will play, hm?
Florence (giggles) Hi, Piggy.
Miss Piggy Don't "Hi, Piggy" me, you frog stealer!
Kermit Piggy, you have it all wrong there. You see...
Miss Piggy In a pig's eye - I mean, in a person's eye!
Florence Yes, you do have it wrong, Piggy.
Miss Piggy Oh?
Florence Yes. Kermit was just practicing on me what he really wants to say to you.
Kermit (balks) Uh, what?
Florencehenderson-kp
Miss Piggy (gasp) You mean it?
Kermit No.
Miss Piggy Oh, Kermit! Oh! (throws herself at him) My love! My love! My life! Oh, I am like putty in your hands. Putty! Putty!
Florence (sings) Cement mixer …
Piggy reacts with a blank stare, dropping Kermit.
Florence (shrugs) Nothing.
Miss Piggy (looks around for Kermit) What… What happened? What happened?
Florence Piggy. Piggy, come here a minute.
Miss Piggy Yes?
Florence Listen. Can I give you a little tip?
Miss Piggy Oh, no. There's no need for that. I'm well paid.
Florence No. I mean about men.
Miss Piggy Oh, my dear, I'm sure you know about men. But uh, ahem — honey, make one move toward that frog's bod...
Florence Piggy, Kermit and I are old friends, honest.
Miss Piggy You mean there's nothing...?
Florence No, we're just... It's just platonic, really.
Miss Piggy Oh! Oh! Oh, thank you so much! Thank you! Oh, I'm off to find my love. Oh, oh, oh! (runs off)
Florence (giggles) She's crazy.
Kermit (comes out of hiding) Has she gone?
Florence (giggles) Yes. (strokes his head) She's off to find her love!
Miss Piggy (rushes back) I told you never to touch him!!! Hii-yah!
She begins karate-chopping and biting Florence while Kermit flinches.
Florence Piggy! Stop it …

UK Spot

Rowlf plays piano.
Rowlf When I was a puppy, I used to enjoy reading about "Winnie the Pooh." He's a bear, like Fozzie Bear. But, not very much like Fozzie Bear. This is a song he would sing when somebody would say something he didn't quite understand. He could've said, "What?" or "I beg your pardon?" But, Pooh would instead sing this song, which he made up for singing when his his brain felt fluffy. Goes like this...
Cottlestonpie
Rowlf performs "Cottleston Pie." As he finishes the first verse...
Rowlf Now, this is where the song changes key. What we call a "modulation." That's G sharp minor. (resumes singing)

Panel Discussion

Open on the panel chatting with each other.
Kermit Okay. Uh, time once again, friends, to raise the intellectual level of our program, as our panel discusses questions of lasting importance. And our guest tonight is Miss Florence Henderson.
Florence Thank you. Good evening, everyone.
Floyd Hey, baby.
Miss Piggy Mm-hm. (poses)
Kermit Okay. And tonight's question is. one that has bothered scholars everywhere: "Was William Shakespeare, in fact, Bacon?"
Miss Piggy (gasps) Is this some kind of bad joke?
Kermit I-I-I don't understand, Piggy.
Miss Piggy Bacon, my love, bacon. I am tired of these continual pig slurs.
Kermit Oh.
Miss Piggy You know, we pigs have feelings too.
Kermit Oh, no, no, no, no. You see, I meant Francis Bacon.
Miss Piggy France's bacon, Italy's bacon, Czechoslovakia's bacon. Who cares? It's all bad taste.
Florence Oh, no. Bacon tastes real good. I had some this morning. Really made a pig of myself! (laughs)
Miss Piggy (gasps) That does it! Pigs of the world, unite!
Kermit Piggy. Please, Piggy. We don't have time for that now.
Floyd Yeah. Besides, you're always hogging the time. Get it? Hogging? (laughs)
Miss Piggy Get this, weirdo. Hi-YAH!
She beats him to the ground.
Kermit Wait a minute! Hold it, hold it, hold it! Wait a minute! Piggy, come on, now. Can we get back to the subject at hand? Miss Piggy, please.
Miss Piggy (panting) I'm sorry.
Kermit Get back over there. Okay, the subject in hand. Florence?
Florence Well, there's no question in my mind.
Kermit As to what?
Florence Nothing. There's no question in my mind. (laughs) No answer either.
Florence08
Brewster We have a saying in my country: "A woman who laughs at her own jokes seldom has branches on her shoetrees."
Florence That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Brewster So, don't visit our country.
Floyd and Piggy begin arguing.
Kermit Please. The topic is... The topic is: "Were Shakespeare's works actually written by Francis Bacon?"
The Borcellino Brothers mob Kermit.
Pig (RH) All right, all right. Listen. We've been listening offstage and we've had enough of this garbage about bacon.
Pig (JL) Right. We pigs are true artists. Miss Henderson, would you like to see our acrobatic act?
Florence Why, yes, I'd love to.
Kermit No, no, you don't want to see the acrobatic act...
Florence09
A drumroll sounds as the pigs pile on top of each other and quickly topple.
Pigs And one, and... Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Kermit Can we get these pigs outta here??
Florence It's cute. Cute act.
Pigs (moaning)
Kermit I'm sorry about that, Miss Henderson, but... Listen, we'll be back next week with another vital question for our panel: "Do attack dogs make good house pets?"
Rufus attacks Kermit as the closing music plays. The scene ends in chaos.
Waldorf (drowsy) Wha — wake me when the show starts.
Statler It's already been on a while.
Waldorf Oh. Wake me when it's over.

Backstage

The chaos continues backstage, with the pigs, Zoot, Hilda and Wayne all arguing with each other.
Kermit Hey — we got to get organized around here. Will somebody tell those pigs to knock it off?
Hilda (to Zoot) Knock it off!
Zoot (to Wayne) Knock it off!
Wayne (to pigs) Knock it off!
Kermit Now will we knock off the knocking-it-offs?
Wayne (to Zoot) Knock off the knocking-it-offs!
Zoot (to Hilda) Knock off the knocking-it-offs!
Hilda (to pigs) Knock off the knocking-it-offs!
Florence10
Kermit KNOCK IT OFF!!!! (walks to his desk) You'll not see any more pigs on this show. If I ever see another pig... (sees Piggy) Yeeesh.
Florence11
Miss Piggy Oh, Kermit, every time you yell it sends a shudder through my body.
Kermit Wonderful.
Miss Piggy I tremble with desire and uncontrollable passion.
Kermit Yeah. (stews)
Miss Piggy In you, I see a seething volcano, ready to erupt like Vesuvius and explode…
Kermit (screams) We have a show to do! Will you get out of here? Yes.
Miss Piggy (sniffs) He loves me.
Kermit (sighs) I give up.
Miss Piggy I knew you would.
She throws herself on him, showering him with kissy-kissys.

Fozzie’s comedy act

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Okay, here he comes again now, folks, so stand by, sit tight, hold on and fasten your seatbelts. The Muppet Show 's own furry funnyman, here he is, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
Fozzie comes onstage as his fanfare plays.
Fozzie Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Okay, gang. Grab your shoes and grab your socks. Here come the jokes, here come the yucks. Now, tonight I'm gonna try and put something new in my act.
Statler Ehh. Like comedy, maybe. (laughs with Waldorf)
Fozzie Hey, look, guys, I paid a lot of money for this new act and I want to see if it's good, okay?
Statler Could it possibly be good?
Waldorf Could it possibly be worse? (laughs with Statler)
Fozzie Aahh. Okay, now, tonight I will do impressions of great movie actors from great movies.
Waldorf Great! Wonderful!
Statler Love 'em!
Fozzie Okay, okay, okay, okay. First, ahem, Humphrey Bogart from Casablanca. Ahem.
He takes a few seconds to prepare.
Fozzie (normal voice) Play it again, Sam. (no laughs) Okay, okay, okay, okay. Now, next is Jimmy Cagney from Mister Roberts.
He takes a few seconds to prepare.
Fozzie (normal voice) Who took my palm tree? (no laughs) Okay, next, Cary Grant from all his movies.
He takes a few seconds to prepare.
Fozzie (normal voice) Judy, Judy, Judy.
Florence12
Waldorf Hey, listen, all your impressions sound the same.
Statler Yeah.
Fozzie I can't help that. They were all written by the same writer.
Waldorf He's got a point there.
Statler Yeah, on his head. (laughs with Statler)
Fozzie Okay, any other impressions? Impressions, huh?
Statler Yeah. We'd like to see an impression of a bear leaving a stage.
Fozzie Gotcha. Gotcha. Presenting a bare stage. (ducks down) Ha! Bare. Get it? I'm a bear. No one on the stage. Oh, I'm terrific! I love me! I'm too good for this show! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!
His fanfare plays as he leaves.
Waldorf You know, he's getting better.
Statler Yeah, or we're getting worse.

"Happy Together"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Once again, the lovely Miss Florence Henderson.
Lenny the Lizard nuzzles noses with Florence.
Lenny Ah, Florence. I don't quite know how to say this, but uh, me and a lot of the guys are really fond of you.
Florence Oh, Lizard, that's very flattering.
Florence13 Florence14
Lenny is joined by other monsters, who sing "Happy Together" with her.

Backstage

Kermit looks over the list.
Kermit We didn't have time for Gonzo on the show this week. That's too bad.
Miss Piggy Ahem. Well, Romeo, how are you and Miss Henderson getting along, hmmm?
Kermit Uh, Piggy, jealousy doesn't become you.
Miss Piggy Jealous? Moi? (laughs) 'Tis to laugh. (laughs) I'm just glad that other women find my frog attractive.
Kermit Uh, your frog? Uh, Piggy, uh, said the frog, trying to couch his next words in the gentlest of terms: I AM NOT YOUR FROG!!
Miss Piggy Methinks thou doth protest too much.
Kermit What?
Florence15
Miss Piggy … Shakespeare.
Kermit Sounds more like Bacon. From a ham.
Miss Piggy (gasp) How would you like a pork chop? Hi-YAH!
She karate-chops him, then stomps him top the ground. The Borcellino Brothers gather around and laugh.
Miss Piggy You always hurt the one you love.
Kermit gets up, but she stomps him back down.

Blackout

Sweetums and Florence encounter each other while walking.
Sweetums Oh! Florence! Ya know, I could really fall for you.
Florence16
Florence (nuzzles him) Aww, Sweetums. Are you serious?
Sweetums falls forward. Flo's jaw drops.
Florence (to viewer) He's serious.

Planet Koozebane

Florence17
Kermit This is Kermit the Frog speaking to you from the planet Koozebane. There's a hush in the air. This is the traditional time of courtship of the Koozebanian creatures. We're waiting now for the male Koozebanian creature to make the first move.
A high-pitched screech is heard from inside a cave.
Kermit Hark! That may be him now.
The male creature comes out and makes the signal towards another cave.
Kermit Now, that is the "wonk wonk" signal to the female creature. Let's see if she makes the traditional response.
Hysterical laughter is heard from the second cave.
Kermit Yeah, that is the traditional response to the wonk wonk.
The female creature comes out of the second cave, laughing.
107 hoop hoop
Kermit Ah, there she is, and what a beauty. Now the tender ritual begins. Watch as the male makes the first overture to the female, known as the "hargee".
Male (running in circles) Hargee! Hargee! Haaargee!
Female (hysterical laughter)
Kermit I believe she likes him.
Male (running in circles) Hii-yoo! Hii-yoo! Hiiii-yoo!
He flips in the air and lands. She strikes her nose against him.
Kermit Boy, did you see that? That was the signal. They're going to do the "galley-oh-hoop-hoop".
The creatures face away from each other and begin marching.
Kermit Oh. This should be very exciting. It's a television first, ladies and gentlemen, the Koozebanian galley-oh-hoop-hoop. Watch closely, now. They're going far away. He's just about to make his turn now.
Male Hey you, mar broobee!
Female (eyes bulging) Me maboobee!
Male O-o-o-o-o-oh, yahoo!
Female Wow! Stavite!
Kermit This is it, ladies and gentlemen, the galley-oh-hoop-hoop.
Male GALLEY-OHHHHH!
Female HOOP! HOOP!
They run towards each other. The collision results in a puff of smoke, and the fallout is a litter of baby creatures.
Kermit Well, there you have it, friends. Once again, love comes to Koozebane.
Applause.

Goodnights

Kermit Okay, well, that's about all the show we have for you tonight. We want to thank our very special guest, Miss Florence Henderson! Yaaay!
Applause as she comes out.
Kermit Oh, hey, listen, uh, thank you, Florence, for being our guest. We hope you enjoyed it as much as we did.
Florence Oh, you know I did, Kermit, especially our love scene. (gives him a kiss)
Kermit Whoo!
Fozzie Wire for Miss Henderson. Wire for Miss Henderson. Are you Miss Henderson?
Florence18
Florence You know I am, Fozzie.
Fozzie There's a wire for you. (holds up a coat hanger) Aaah.
She hangs it on his nose.
Kermit Well, that does it. Folks, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!
The Muppets gather around as the credits roll.
Statler I loved it.
Waldorf So what? You also loved World War II.
ATV
THE END

Ad blocker interference detected!


Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.