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Episode 107: Florence Henderson/transcript

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Theme

Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Florence Henderson!
The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!

Male chorus

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!

The curtain opens on Fozzie, who takes off his hat.
Fozzie Prices are so high, yesterday I bought a pound of hamburger and had to have a cosigner.
The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit

To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Miss Florence Henderson!

Florence01
Florence shares a laugh with the monsters from an upcoming number.
Kermit But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang

On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!

107gong
Gonzo successfully strikes the O as the sign rises into the rafters.

Opening act

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, welcome to the show, and what a fantastic program we have for you tonight. Our guest star is the beautiful and talented Florence Henderson. Boy, she is really great. But to open the show, one of the most exciting acrobatic acts in the entire business, the Bouncing Borcellino Brothers. They've been bouncing since they were baby boys. In fact, the doctor wasn't even sure they were boys until they stopped bouncing. So here they are, all the way from Boston, the Bouncing Borcellino Brothers! Yeah!
Circus music plays as the brothers run around the stage. They eventually disperse.
Tiny El pyramido. The pyramid. (drumroll) One!
Brother #1 takes his position.
Tiny Two!
Brother #2 takes his position next to Brother #1.
Tiny Three!
Brother #3 takes his position next to Brother #1.
Tiny Four!
Brother #4 stands on top of #1 and #2.
Tiny Five!
Brother #5 stands on top of #2 and #3. They start trembling from the pressure.
Florence02
Tiny Six — that's me.
He gets on top of #4 and #5, and CRACK! the floor breaks underneath them.
Brother #5 Why did you do that, Tiny?
Tiny I didn't do nothin'.
Brother #5 I told you not to get on the top.
Waldorf Well, they really brought down the house.
Statler Well, at least the stage.
They chuckle.

Backstage

The Borcellino Brothers walk past Kermit, bickering.
Brother #5 … 975 pounds! I told you not to get on the top!
Kermit Uh, you're a big disappointment, you guys.
George the janitor Hey, will you guys watch it? Hey, watch it.
Kermit George? Uh, will you go out there and clean up after the pigs, please?
George the janitor I am sick and tired of cleaning up after them lousy pigs!
Kermit Well, George, you can always quit.
George the janitor What? And get out of show business?
Florence03
Kermit (scowls) George, will you move the body?
George the janitor All right, I'll move the body.
WHAP! Kermit gets a mop in the face.
George the janitor (looks down) I moved the body. (walks off)

Talking Houses

Zoom in on the two left houses.
Florence04
House 2 My brother has ghosts in his attic.
House 1 Sounds scary.
House 2 Yeah. He's on the Ten Most Haunted list.
Zoom out. Musical button.

"Elusive Butterfly"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, we're happy now, truly, to present a star of stage, screen and television, the mother of six on The Brady Bunch, and the mother of her own bunch of four at home, our guest for the evening, the lovely Miss Florence Henderson.
Elusive-butterfly
Florence fades in and out of a misty forest as she sings "Elusive Butterfly". As the song comes to a close, she disappears for the last time, her tie-dyed muumuu dissolving into a collection of multi-colored butterflies.

Backstage

The Borcellino Brothers pass Kermit, now wearing bandages.
Brother #5 I told you not to let fatso on the top.
Brother #3 Well don't blame me, Pop, I'm only a young pig.
Kermit (shoos them away) Uh, pigs? Listen, pigs. Will you guys get out of here, please? Come on, pigs. Out! Out! Move it! Move it! Get out of here. Out, out, out, out, out!
Miss Piggy (enamored) Oh, Kermit. You have such a masculine yell.
Kermit (unmoved) Oh, yeah.
Miss Piggy (throws herself at him) Is there anything at all, anything I can do for you, my dear?
Kermit Uh, no.
Miss Piggy Because I want to make you happy.
Kermit Uh, good.
Miss Piggy When you're happy, the pig is happy.
Kermit Uh, wonderful.
Miss Piggy Oh, my love! My life!
She starts vigorously making out with him, grunting. Kermit is disgusted when she finishes.
Florence05
Miss Piggy Forgive me for being so forward, but I'm a liberated pig. Ta. (trots off)
Kermit Must be my animal musk. (winces)

At the Dance

Couples dance in a ballroom. George dances with Mildred, hitting her in the chin.
George the janitor Two, three, four, mo, three...
Florence06
George the janitor You know, the trouble with kids today is they don't know what they want. When I was a kid, I never wanted that.
Piggy dances wildly with another pig.
Mildred They're just a couple of floor hogs.
George the janitor Yeah. (continues hitting her in the chin)
Florence07
Purple Heap Uh, I don't know, maybe it's the wine talking - in fact, I'm sure it is - but you're beautiful.
Green Heap (giggles)
Rowlf dances with a woman.
Rowlf Aw, tell me the truth. You really don't like dancing with a dog, do you?
Woman What makes you say that?
Rowlf It's that flea collar you're wearing.
George sways Mildred across the floor. Two rats dance.
Male rat I think we ought to move out of the ghetto and find ourselves a nice little dump in the suburbs.
Female rat Oh, honey, I love you like the plague.
The loud lady dances with the green man.
Loud lady (softly) Can we take this moment to announce our engagement?
Green man Ehh, why not?
Loud lady (loudly) Oh! We're engaged! (laughs hysterically) I've waited so long! We're engaged!

Talk Spot

Kermit and Florence gaze in each others' eyes.
Kermit Florence, your eyes are like two limpid pools.
Florence Oh, that's very sweet, Kermit.
Kermit And when I look into your eyes, I'm spellbound. And when I look into those eyes I see... I see...
Enter Piggy, behind Florence.
Florence Yes? Come on, tell me what you see.
Kermit I see trouble.
Miss Piggy Hm, hm, hm. Well, well, well. While the pig's away, the frog will play, hm?
Florence (giggles) Hi, Piggy.
Miss Piggy Don't "Hi, Piggy" me, you frog stealer!
Kermit Piggy, you have it all wrong there. You see...
Miss Piggy In a pig's eye - I mean, in a person's eye!
Florence Yes, you do have it wrong, Piggy.
Miss Piggy Oh?
Florence Yes. Kermit was just practicing on me what he really wants to say to you.
Kermit (balks) Uh, what?
Florencehenderson-kp
Miss Piggy (gasp) You mean it?
Kermit No.
Miss Piggy Oh, Kermit! Oh! (throws herself at him) My love! My love! My life! Oh, I am like putty in your hands. Putty! Putty!
Florence (sings) Cement mixer …
Piggy reacts with a blank stare, dropping Kermit.
Florence (shrugs) Nothing.
Miss Piggy (looks around for Kermit) What… What happened? What happened?
Florence Piggy. Piggy, come here a minute.
Miss Piggy Yes?
Florence Listen. Can I give you a little tip?
Miss Piggy Oh, no. There's no need for that. I'm well paid.
Florence No. I mean about men.
Miss Piggy Oh, my dear, I'm sure you know about men. But uh, ahem — honey, make one move toward that frog's bod...
Florence Piggy, Kermit and I are old friends, honest.
Miss Piggy You mean there's nothing...?
Florence No, we're just... It's just platonic, really.
Miss Piggy Oh! Oh! Oh, thank you so much! Thank you! Oh, I'm off to find my love. Oh, oh, oh! (runs off)
Florence (giggles) She's crazy.
Kermit (comes out of hiding) Has she gone?
Florence (giggles) Yes. (strokes his head) She's off to find her love!
Miss Piggy (rushes back) I told you never to touch him!!! Hii-yah!
She begins karate-chopping and biting Florence while Kermit flinches.
Florence Piggy! Stop it …

UK Spot

Rowlf plays piano.
Rowlf When I was a puppy, I used to enjoy reading about "Winnie the Pooh." He's a bear, like Fozzie Bear. But, not very much like Fozzie Bear. This is a song he would sing when somebody would say something he didn't quite understand. He could've said, "What?" or "I beg your pardon?" But, Pooh would instead sing this song, which he made up for singing when his his brain felt fluffy. Goes like this...
Cottlestonpie
Rowlf performs "Cottleston Pie." As he finishes the first verse...
Rowlf Now, this is where the song changes key. What we call a "modulation." That's G sharp minor. (resumes singing)

Panel Discussion

Backstage

Fozzie’s comedy act

"Happy Together"

Backstage

Blackout

Sweetums and Florence encounter each other while walking.
Sweetums Oh! Florence! Ya know, I could really fall for you.
Florence16
Florence (nuzzles him) Aww, Sweetums. Are you serious?
Sweetums falls forward. Flo's jaw drops.
Florence (to viewer) He's serious.

Planet Koozebane

Goodnights

(# walk)

When I was a puppy, I used to enjoy

reading about Winnie the Pooh.

He's a bear, like Fozzie Bear, but...

Well, not very much like Fozzie Bear.

This is a song he would sing

when somebody would say something

he didn't quite understand.

He could have said,

What? or I beg your pardon?

But Pooh would instead sing this song,

which he made up for singing

when his brain felt fluffy.

Goes like this:

  1. Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston pie
  1. A fly can't bird, but a bird can fly
  1. Ask me a riddle and I reply
  1. Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston pie

Now, this is where

the song changes key.

What we call a modulation.

That's G sharp minor.

  1. Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston pie
  1. A fish can't whistle and neither can l
  1. Ask me a riddle and I reply
  1. Cottleston, Cottleston
  1. Cottleston pie
  1. Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston pie
  1. Why does a chicken?

I don't know why

  1. Ask me a riddle and I reply
  1. Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston pie

OK. Time once again, friends, to raise

the intellectual level of our program,

as our panel discusses

questions of lasting importance.

And our guest tonight

is Miss Florence Henderson.

Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Hey, baby.

OK. And tonight's question is one

that has bothered scholars everywhere:

Was William Shakespeare

in fact Bacon?

(gasps)

ls this some kind of bad joke?

I-I-I don't understand, Piggy.

Bacon, my love, bacon.

I am tired of these continual pig slurs.

Oh.

You know, we pigs have feelings too.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You see, I meant Francis Bacon.

France's bacon, Italy's bacon,

Czechoslovakia's bacon.

Who cares? It's all bad taste.

Oh, no. Bacon tastes real good. I had some

this morning. Really made a pig of myself!

(gasps)

That does it!

Pigs of the world, unite!

Piggy. Please, Piggy.

We don't have time for that now.

Yeah. Besides, you're always

hogging the time. Get it? Hogging?

Get this, weirdo.

Hii-yah! Hii-yah!

Hii-yah! Hii-yah!

Wait a minute!

Hold it, hold it, hold it! Wait a minute!

Piggy, come on, now.

Can we get back to the subject in hand?

Miss Piggy, please.

I'm sorry.

Get back over there.

OK, the subject in hand. Florence?

Well, there's no question in my mind.

As to what?

Nothing. There's no question in my mind.

No answer either.

We have a saying in my country:

A woman who laughs at her own jokes

seldom has branches on her shoetrees.

That is the dumbest thing l've ever heard.

So, don't visit our country.

Please. The topic is...

The topic is:

Were Shakespeare's works

actually written by Francis Bacon?

All right, all right. Listen.

We've been listening offstage and we've

had enough of this garbage about bacon.

Right.

We pigs are true artists.

Miss Henderson,

would you like to see our acrobatic act?

Yes, l'd love to.

fKermit) No, no, you don't want

to see the acrobatic act.

(drumroll)

And one, and...

fal!) Whoa, whoa, whoa!

lt's cute. Cute act.

I'm sorry about that,

Miss Henderson, but...

Listen, we'll be back next week

with another vital question for our panel:

Do attack dogs

make good house pets?

Wake...

wake me when the show starts.

It's already been on a while.

Oh.

Wake me when it's over.

(arguing)

We got to get organized down here. Will

somebody tell those pigs to knock it off?

Knock it off!

Knock it off!

Knock it off!

Now, will we knock off

the knocking-it-offs?

Knock off the knocking-it-offs!

Knock off the knocking-it-offs!

Knock off the knocking-it-offs!

Knock it off!

You'll not see any more pigs on this show.

If I ever see another pig...

Oh, Kermit, every time you yell

it sends a shudder through my body.

Wonderful.

I tremble with desire

and uncontrollable passion.

In you I see a seething volcano

ready to erupt like Vesuvius and explode...

Aaargh! We have a show to do!

Will you get out of here?

(snorts) He loves me.

(sighs) I give up.

I knew you would.

(loud kiss. snoring)

Aaargh! Oh! Argh!

OK, here he comes again now, folks,

so stand by, sit tight,

hold on and fasten your seatbelts.

The Muppet Show's own

furry funnyman,

here he is, Mr. Fo22ie Bear!

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

OK, gang.

Grab your shoes and grab your socks.

Here come the jokes,

here come the yocks.

Now, tonight I'm gonna try

and put something new in my act.

Yeah. Like comedy, maybe.

Hey, look, guys,

I paid a lot of money for this new act

and I want to see if it's good, OK?

Could it possibly be good?

Could it possibly be worse?

OK, now, tonight I will do impressions

of great movie actors from great movies.

Great! Wonderful!

Love 'em!

OK, OK, OK, OK.

First, Humphrey Bogart from Casablanca.

(clears throat)

Play it again, Sam.

OK, OK, OK, OK.

Now, next is Jimmy Cagney

from Mister Roberts.

Who took my palm tree?

OK, next,

Cary Grant from all his movies.

Judy, Judy, Judy.

Listen, all your impressions

sound the same.

I can't help that.

They were all written by the same writer.

He's got a point there.

Yeah, on his head.

OK, any other impressions?

Impressions, huh?

Yeah. We'd like to see

an impression of a bear leaving a stage.

Gotcha. Gotcha.

Presenting a bare stage.

Ha. Bare. Get it? I'm a bear.

No one on the stage.

Oh, I'm terrific. I love me. I'm too good

for this show. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

You know, he's getting better.

Yeah, or we're getting worse.

Once again,

the lovely Miss Florence Henderson.

(# Happy Together)

Ah, Florence,

I don't quite know how to say this,

but me and a lot of the guys

are really fond of you.

Oh, Lizard, that's very flattering.

  1. Imagine me and you, I do
  1. I think about you day and night
  1. It's only right to think about

the girl you love and hold her tight

fboth) # So happy together

  1. If I should call you up,

invest a dime

  1. And you say you belong to me

and ease my mind

  1. Imagine how the world would be,

so very fine

  1. So happy together

fal!) # I can't see me

loving nobody but you

  1. For all my life
  1. When you're with me, baby,

the skies will be blue

  1. For all my life
  1. Me and you
  1. And you and me
  1. No matter how they toss the dice,

it has to be

  1. The only one for me is you
  1. And you for me

fal!) # So happy together

Come on, everybody, sing it!

fal!) # I can't see me

Loving nobody but you

  1. For all my life
  1. When you're with me, baby,

the skies will be blue

  1. For all my life
  1. Me and you
  1. And you and me

fal!) # So happy together

  1. So happy together

fal!) # Bah, bah, bah, bah,

bah, bah, bah, bah

  1. So happy together
  1. We're happy
  1. Together

We didn't have time for Gonzo

on the show this week. That's too bad.

Well, Romeo, how are you

and Miss Henderson getting along, hm?

Piggy, jealousy doesn't become you.

Jealous? Moi?

(laughs)

'Tis to laugh. (laughs)

I'm just glad that other women

find my frog attractive.

Your frog?

Piggy, said the frog, trying to couch

his next words in the gentlest of terms:

I am not your frog!

Methinks thou doth protest too much.

What?

Shakespeare.

Sounds more like Bacon.

From a ham.

How would you like a pork chop?

Hii-yah!

Hii-yah! Hii-yah!

You always hurt the one you love.

Oh.

Hii-yah!

Oh, Florence.

You know, I could really fall for you.

Oh, sweetums.

Are you serious?

He's serious.

This is Kermit the Frog speaking to you

from the planet Koozebane.

There's a hush in the air.

This is the traditional time of courtship

of the Koozebanian creatures.

We're waiting now

for the male Koozebanian creature

to make the first move.

(high-pitched screech) rii-voo!

Hark! That may be him now.

Hii-yoo! Wang, wang, wang, wang,

wang, wang, wang, wang!

(whooping)

Wonk wonk!

Now, that is the wonk wonk signal

to the female creature.

Let's see if she makes

the traditional response.

(hysterical laughter)

Yeah, that is the traditional response

to the wonk wonk.

(hysterical laughter)

fKermit) Ah, there she is,

and what a beauty.

Now the tender ritual begins.

Watch as the male makes the first overture

to the female, known as the hargee.

Hargee!

Hargee!

Haaargee!

(hysterical laughter)

I believe she likes him.

Hii-yoo!

Hii-yoo!

Hiiii-yoo!

Boy, did you see that?

That was the signal.

They're going to do

the galley-oh-hoop-hoop.

This should be very exciting.

It's a television first, ladies and gentlemen,

the Koozebanian galley-oh-hoop-hoop.

Watch closely, now.

They're going far away.

He's iust about to make his turn now.

Hey you,

mar brabee!

Me braboobee!

O-o-o-o-o-oh, yahoo!

Wow! Stavite!

This is it, ladies and gentlemen,

the galley-oh-hoop-hoop.

Galley-oh!

Hoop hoop!

Well, there you have it, friends.

Once again, love comes to Koozebane.

OK, well, that's about

all the show we have for you tonight.

We want to thank our very special guest,

Miss Florence Henderson!

Yeah!

(applause)

Hey, listen.

Thank you, Florence, for being our guest.

We hope you enjoyed it

as much as we did.

Oh, you know I did, Kermit,

especially our love scene.

Wire for Miss Henderson.

Wire for Miss Henderson.

Are you Miss Henderson?

You know I am, Fozzie.

There's a wire for you.

Well, that does it, folks. We'll see you all

next time on The Muppet Show!

I loved it.

So what? You also loved World War II.

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