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Episode 106: Jim Nabors/transcript

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It's The Muppet Show, with tonight's

special guest star, Mr, Jim Nabors,

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

on The Muppet Show tonight

My cousin is so thin he paints his head

gold and rents himself out as a flagpole,

To introduce our guest star

That's what I'm here to do

So it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

Mr, Jim Nabors!

But now let's get things started

on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

This is what we call

The Muppet Show

Thank you, Thank you,

thank you, All right,

Here we are once again with

another great show for you,

with our special guest

star, Mr, Jim Nabors,

and all of this all of this

is coming to you, by the way,

from the Benny Vandergast

MemoriaI Theater,

We on The Muppet Show

owe everything to Benny,

Including three months back rent,

So in lieu of the rent, here's the

fantastic Dr, Teeth with "Money,"


Don't want no loving,

don't want no kissing

Don't want no girI to call me honey

Don't want my name

in the hall of fame

Just want a big fat pile of money

Give me that almighty dollar

For that lettuce, hear me holler

Give me buckets full of ducats

Let me walk around and wallow

In mazuma, el dinero

Wanna be a millionaire-oh

Give me money, money,

money, money, money

I want that green ammunition

That's the stuff for which I'm wishing

Fill my closets with

deposits I'm a demon in addition

Give me shekels, give me pesos,

let me see their smiling face-ohs

Money, money, money, money, money

Wanna get me a suit

that's made out of loot

And whistle "The

Wearing of the Green"

I've got that monetary-itis,

like to be just like King Midas

� Want that golden

touch is what I mean

� Give me that old double eagle

Want that tender that is legaI

And financially substantiaI

Any sum I can inveigle

Wanna live in regaI splendor

with that loving legaI tender

Money, money, money, money, money

I'm a greenback collector,

I'm a paper-bill inspector

I'm a savage for that cabbage

Man, to me it's golden nectar

Pour that filthy lucre on me

Spread those loving germs upon me

Money, money, money, money, money

And if they ever plant

trees of e pluribus unum

I wanna be the guy that

they send out to prune 'em

Oh, give me money, money,

Whoo, money, money, money


They don't write the

old songs anymore,


They only write new ones,

- Yeah, Huh?

Oh, Dr, Teeth, you are one hip dude,

Nice number, nice number, Don't

lose any of that money though,

Oh, I won't, I won't,

Hi, Are you Kermit the Frog?

- Uh, yeah,

I'm Scooter,

- Cute, Cute name,

I'm your new gofer,

- Gopher? No, no,

We have frogs, pigs and chickens around

here, but we've never had a gopher,

Matter of fact, you don't

even look like a gopher,

Yeah, well, you don't understand,

You see, I'm your new gofer,

Yeah, I'll gofer coffee, I'll gofer

sandwiches, I'll gofer anything you need,

I see,

- Yeah, well, I work reaI cheap

and I got plenty of ideas for your

theater, and I'll start tonight, OK?

Listen, kid, I'm sorry,

but you're too young,

you don't have any experience, and I

don't have any money for it in the budget,

Yeah, well, my uncle

owns this theater,

You start today, Get me a cup of

coffee, Your salary is 20 a week,

Stand by for the next number,

- Could you make it 25?

Are you kidding? I can't afford it,

- Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed,

How about 30?

My wife's not feeling well,

- Oh, sorry to hear it, What's the trouble?

She's got the shingles,

Muppet news flash.

Billy Lee Boomer, a gas-station

attendant from Penny Box, Texas,

reported a flying saucer landed

at his station last night,

Said Mr, Boomer:

They didn't want no gas, they

just wanted to use the restroom.

Can't say as I blame them. Said they'd

traveled 83 million miles without a stop.

Hey, AnimaI, Are you on next?

- Yeah,

Well, as they say in show

business, break a leg,


- I said break a leg,

Oh, thank you,


George, George, Come here,

- I'm busy,

Come here, Have you met

Scooter? This is Scooter,

He's our new gofer, so if you need

anything around here, you know

Need anything? Me? Need anything

from some young kid? Huh,

Listen, kid, I've been with this theater

since the very beginning, you know?

Before that new guy

bought it and ruined it,

Now the roof leaks and the seats are

torn, the furnace is on the fritz

I tell you, he is the worst,

- Yeah, he's my uncle,

He is the best,

What's a theater without problems?

- Right,

Your uncle's got a good

head on his shoulders,

Unlike some people around here,

Ten, eleven, twelve

Yeah, go,

You know, my marriage was wrecked

by something really stupid,

What was that?

- My husband,

My doctor says I'm getting the Asian flu,

- What did he say to do?

He says take two fortune cookies

and he'd call me in the morning,

Do you believe in the hereafter?

- Oh, yes,

Wow, then you know

what I'm here after,

Oh, I just love this music,

Are you listening to me?

Your voice is music to my ears,

You got something I've been

looking for all my life,

Well, it's halftime,

It is?

- Yeah,

What's the score?

- Muppets six, audience nothing,

All right, now this is what you call your

dog kind of music here, as you'll see,

Sing it,

Bowery corner

Foggy night

Passing crowd

Electric light

Oh, yeah, Yeah,

German chef

Can of tin

Sausages are boiled within

Oh, play it pretty, Rowlf,

Yellow dog

Nearby prowls

Smells a sausage

Softly growls

Clumsy man

Wooden leg

Upsets the boiler with his peg

Spills a sausage

Scatters wurst

Yellow dog, he gets there first

He grabs the sausage

Splits the fog

It's another

case of dog-eat-dog

It's another

case of dog-eat-dog

Hey, you know, Jim, it's a reaI

pleasure to have you with us on the show,

Well, thank you, Kermit, It's

a reaI pleasure to be here,

I'm sort of an old country

boy and I feeI right at home

with all these chickens

and roosters and pigs,

Especially that Miss

Piggy, I just love her,

Piggy Lee,

- You called, my love?

Hey, Miss Piggy,

Piggy, if you don't mind, Jim and I were

just trying to hold a quiet conversation,

Oh, go right ahead, Don't mind me,

Kermit, one thing, I never know

whether to call him Jim or Gomer,

Well, I guess it is kinda confusing, You

see, I played Gomer Pyle on television for

Gomer Pyle? I love Gomer Pyle,

- Oh, thank you,

Well, I played him for so long

I guess I get confused myself,

But it goes along with my astrologicaI

sign, You see, I'm a Gemini,

That means I got twin personalities,

Oh, yeah, Hey, listen,

well, I'm a Taurus,

You're Taurus, That's the

sign of the bull, isn't it?

I'm a bullfrog,

That's just a little joke,

- What sign were you born under, Piggy?

Well, I, uh, wasn't born under

a sign, I was born over a sign,

At Becker's Butcher Shop,

I moved as soon as possible,

I don't blame you,

- Mm, mm,

Hey, I was wondering, Jim, does being

a Gemini give you any kind of problems?

Well, it sure does, you know, because I

talk like this, but then I sing like this:

What happened to Kermit?

- He doesn't appreciate classicaI music,

But it drives me bananas,

Oh, sing again, please

- Wait a minute, Miss Piggy,

Oh, Jim! Oh, I love it when you sing,

- ControI yourself, Miss Piggy, Kermit!

Kermit? Kermit? Could you

H-h-hold it, - Yeah, Fozzie, Wh-wh-what?

Listen, "Wh-wh-what?"

Listen, Listen,

There is a young kid following

me all around the theater,

Yeah, I know, His name is Scooter,

Cute, Cute name,

- Yeah,

The trouble is, you see,

he's following me all around

and giving me these jokes

for my act and they are awfuI,

Fozzie, how would you know?

How would I know? Smarty-frog,

OK, OK, listen, Here's one of these

jokes he gave me, It's terrible,

OK, a joke,

- Hilda, Gonzo, this is one of these jokes,

I stay at a hoteI so exclusive

room service has an unlisted number,

That's funny!



Here they are, the world's finest and

most morally unobjectionable singing team,

Wayne and Wanda,

And now, "Indian Love Call,"

When I'm calling yoooooooooooou

Hey, baby, You called?


OK, uh

Uh, here we are, moving right along

now, the comedy star of our show -

the man who comes to us direct

from a very long engagement,

but a very short marriage,

the man who thinks that Elton

John is a singing bathroom -

I'd like now to bring out one of

the top comics of the business

Hey, since he's not here

bring out the regular guy,

OK, here he is now, our very own

barreI of boffs, Mr, Fozzie Bear!

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you,

Time for fun with Fozzie Bear,

Here's some jokes from everywhere,

Hey, hey, hey, it's that silly bear,

It's time for the

audience to go elsewhere,

If you don't

mind, I'll do the jokes,

We don't mind, But when

are you gonna do 'em?

Pay no attention to them, folks,

They don't bother me, I can

handle hecklers in my sleep,

Oh, well, don't tell that to

the audience, They're asleep too,

Uh, uh

Oh, yeah?

- Yeah!

Oh, Oh, yeah?

- Yeah!

Oh, yeah?

- Yeah!

Oh, yeah?

- Yeah!

Listen, I'm gonna tell you my

best joke and if you don't laugh

then I'll never come back

out on this stage again, OK?

It's a deaI,

- Yeah,


Ah, Ah, uh, uh

These two cannibals were talking, One

cannibaI says to the other cannibaI:

"Who was that lady I saw

you out with last night?"

The other cannibaI says, "That

was no lady, that was my lunch,"

I got you, I got you, And I

lied, That was my worst joke,

Oh, I love me when I'm

good, Pacing, timing

Why did we laugh at

that terrible joke?

Well, either we're getting soft or

we're in the first stages of senility,


Here it is, my first night at

Benson's Bakery as a watchman,

and I gotta be reaI carefuI

to not let anybody in here,

Uh-oh, Here comes

somebody now, -

Wait! Stop right there, Stop right there,

Put up your hands, Put up your hands,

I beg pardon?

- Your hands, Put 'em up,

Oh, Oh, OK,

What's that?

- Those are my hens,

Where shall I put 'em?

- Well, right here on the table, I guess,


Now, wait a minute, wait a minute,

What right have you got to be here?

What rat do I have? Well,

I got this rat right here,

Oh, well, I guess you do

have a right to be here,

Mm, Thank you,

Now, wait a minute, Don't move a hair,

- OK,

What's that?

- That's the hare I'm not supposed to move,

Now, wait a minute, I don't

want any beef out of you,

No beef, OK, Here's some pork,

No, no, Now wait just a minute,

What are all you animals doing here?

This is supposed to be a bakery,

You see, the farmer's been losing

money, We came here to raise some dough!

Well, well, well, I'm sure glad

we got that straightened out,

For a minute there I thought

you were just being silly,

Let me tell you about

my nearsighted cousin

Hi, Fozzie,

- Let me tell you

Oh, Oh, Hi, Hi, Scooter,

Hey, Foz, you know,

I think you're the greatest

comedian there ever was,


You think that I'm the

Oh, wow,

Really, I mean it, Cross my heart,

- Yeah?

You're the best, Nobody, nobody

tells a joke as good as you,

Every line, every joke, everything you

say, it makes me fall down laughing,

You're a million laughs,

- OK, Hey, hey,

in that case, let me tell you

about my nearsighted cousin,

He's so rich his automobile's fitted

with a prescription windshield,

OK, tell me about him,

Lucky his uncle owns this place,

That was a joke!

And now, once again,

folks, Mr, Jim Nabors,

Well, life on the

farm is kinda laid back

Ain't much an old country

boy like me can't hack

It's early to rise

and early in the sack

Thank God I'm a country boy

Simple kind of life

never done me no harm

I'm raising me a family

and working on a farm

My days are all filled

with an easy country charm

Thank God I'm a country boy

Well I got me a fine

wife I got me old fiddle

The sun's coming up I

got cakes on the griddle

Life ain't nothing

but a funny funny riddle

Thank God I'm a country boy

Work's all done and the sun's setting low

I pull out my fiddle and I rosin up my bow

The kids are asleep

so I keep it kinda low

Thank God I'm a country boy

I'd play "Sally

Goodin" all day if I could

But the Lord and the wife

wouldn't take it very good

I fiddle when I can

and I work when I should

Thank God I'm a country boy

Well, I got me a fine

wife I got me old fiddle

The sun's coming up I

got cakes on the griddle

Life ain't nothing

but a funny funny riddle

Thank God I'm a country boy




- Whoo-hoo!

I wouldn't trade my

life for diamonds or jewels

I never was one of

them money-hungry fools

I'd rather have my

fiddle and my farming tools

Thank God I'm a country boy

City folks driving

in a black limousine

A lot of sad people

think that's mighty keen

Folks, let me tell

you exactly what I mean

Thank God I'm a country boy

Well, I got me a fine

wife I got me old fiddle

When the sun's coming up

I got cakes on the griddle

Life ain't nothing

but a funny funny riddle

Thank God I'm a country boy

Fiddle was my daddy's

till the day that he died

He took me by the hand

and held me close to his side

Said, "Live a good life,

play the fiddle with pride"

Thank God I'm a country boy

My daddy taught me young

how to hunt and how to whittle

He taught me how to work

and play a tune on the fiddle

Taught me how to love

and give just a little

Thank God I'm a country boy

Well, I got me a fine

wife I got me old fiddle

As the sun's coming up

I got cakes on the griddle

Life ain't nothing

but a funny funny riddle

Thank God I'm a country boy

Well, that just about

wraps it up for another one,

We want to give our special thanks to our

very special guest star, Mr, Jim Nabors,

Yeah, let's hear it from you all,

Hey, Jim, I hope you had a good time,

- I sure did, Kermit,

But tell me, who was that little fella who

kept following me through after the show?

Oh, that's Scooter, His

uncle owns the theater,

You called?

- No, I didn't,

Oh, that's OK, Kermit,

He was reaI nice,

He picked up my coffee and

he picked up my wardrobe

Yeah, I even picked up his

accent, Well, go-o-olly!

Be carefuI he doesn't try

to pick up your paycheck,

I'm shocked!

- I'm Fozzie,

I'm Piggy,

- I'm AnimaI,

Well, I'm saying good night, We'll see

you all next time on The Muppet Show.

Go-o-olly, -


Pay up, They made it

through another one,

Double or nothing, next week's show?

- You're on,

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