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Episode 106: Jim Nabors/transcript

< Episode 106: Jim Nabors

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Theme

Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with tonight's special guest star, Mr. Jim Nabors!
The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!

Male chorus

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!

The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie My cousin is so thin, he paints his head gold and rents himself out as a flagpole!
106-1
He hangs his hat on his nose as the curtain closes.
Kermit

To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Mr. Jim Nabors!

Muppets gather around Jim.
Kermit But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang

On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!

106-2
The O is completely empty, so Gonzo hits himself in the head instead.

Opening Number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you! All right! Here we are once again with another great show for you, with our special guest star, Mr. Jim Nabors. And all of this — all of this is coming to you, by the way, from the Benny Vandergast Memorial Theater. Uh, we on The Muppet Show owe everything to Benny. Including three months back rent. So in lieu of the rent, here's the fantastic Dr. Teeth with "Money." Yeahhhh!
106-3
Dr. Teeth plays "Money" for the opening number. As the song reaches its climax, Dr. Teeth pulls a lever on the side of his piano, and it acts as a lotto machine, pouring out bills and coins.
Statler They don't write the old songs anymore.
Waldorf Nope. They only write new ones.
Statler Yeah. Wha?

Backstage

Hilda follows Dr. Teeth past Kermit, carrying the prop money.
Hilda Oh, Dr. Teeth, you are one hip dude.
Kermit Nice number, nice number. Don't lose any of that money though.
Hilda Oh, I won't. I won't.
Enter Scooter.
Scooter Hi! Are you Kermit the Frog?
Kermit Uh, yeah.
Scooter Uh, I'm Scooter.
106-4
Kermit (to viewer) Cute. Cute name.
Scooter I'm your new gofer.
Kermit Gopher? Uh, no, no. We have frogs, pigs and chickens around here, but we've never had a gopher. Matter of fact, you don't even look like a gopher.
Scooter Yeah, well, you don't understand. You see, I'm your new gofer. Yeah, I'll gofer coffee, I'll gofer sandwiches, I'll gofer anything you need.
Kermit I see.
Scooter follows Kermit as he walks.
Scooter Yeah, well, I work real cheap and I got plenty of ideas for your theater, and I'll start tonight. OK?
Kermit Listen, kid, I'm sorry, but you're too young, you don't have any experience, and I don't have any money for it in the budget.
Scooter Yeah, well, my uncle owns this theater.
Kermit stops in his tracks.
Kermit Uh, you start today, get me a cup of coffee, your salary is 20 a week. (into the intercom) Stand by for the next number.
Scooter Could you make it 25?
Kermit Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
Scooter Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
Kermit How about 30? (scowls)

Talking Houses

Open on a row of houses. Zoom in on the two left.
106-5
House 2 My wife's not feeling well.
House 1 Oh, sorry to hear it. What's the trouble?
House 2 She's got the shingles.
Zoom out. Musical button.

Gone With the Wind

Kermit Uh, we're real proud to have with us on the show tonight, a gentleman who has two distinct personalities. He's a real country boy who became famous as Gomer Pyle, and also he sings everything from pop to opera. So let's give a real Muppet Show welcome to Jim Nabors!
Open on Muppet Ranch. Music swells up, and Jim sings.
Jim

Gone with the wind,
Just like a leaf that has blown away.
Gone with the wind,
My romance has flown away.
Yesterday's kisses are still on my lips.
I had a lifetime of heaven at my fingertips.

106-6
A belle makes her way to him. He embraces her.
Jim

Now all is gone,
Gone is the rapture that thrilled my heart.
Gone with the wind,
The gladness that filled my heart.

The wind becomes stronger, blowing her out of his arms.
Jim

Just like a flame,
Love burned brightly then became
An empty smoke dream that has gone,
Gone with the wind.

Jim looks around as the wind becomes stronger.
Jim

Now all is gone,
Gone is the rapture that thrilled my heart.
Gone with the wind,
The gladness that filled my heart.

The fence and the Muppet Ranch sign collapse. The girl comes back. Her wig falls off, then she is blown away again.
Jim

Just like a flame,
Love burned brightly then became
An empty smoke dream that has gone,
Gone with the wind.

106-7
Jim's pants fall down as he finishes the song.
Waldorf I tell ya, that Jim Nabors is a real good sport, a real good singer.
Statler I used to live next door to him. He was a real good Nabor. (laughs)

Muppet Newsflash

Newsman Here's a Muppet Newsflash. (runs to the desk) Billy Lee Boomer, a gas-station attendant from Penny Box, Texas, reported a flying saucer landed at his station last night. Said Mr. Boomer …
Jim appears in the monitor.
106-8
Jim They didn't want no gas, they just wanted to use the restroom. Can't say as I blame 'em. Said they'd traveled 83 million miles without a stop. (smiles)

Backstage

Wayne and Wanda walk past Kermit.
Wanda No, I don't know when we're going on either.
Kermit (mumbles) Always griping.
Scooter rushes over.
Scooter Hey Kermit, here's your coffee — whoa!
He spills it on Kermit, who screams.
Scooter Hot, huh? Just the way you like it!
Kermit Mm - too much sugar.
Scooter Yeah, well anyway, I just found this fantastic new act!
Kermit Uh, Scooter, I don't have time on the show for a new act.
Scooter Oh, that's too bad. I found him in my uncle's office. It's his favorite act. (shrugs)
106-9
Kermit Uh, what's the name of the act?
Scooter Oh! They're called the Danceros. Oh, they're fantastic! They're outta sight!
Kermit And they're your uncle's favorite act.
Scooter Right.
Kermit (begrudgingly) I'll introduce them.
Scooter Oh boy! Hey Danceros, you're on!

The Danceros

Main stage. Kermit enters to laughter.
Kermit Okay, uh, now with great pride and uh, ahem, no little fear, the international debut of the Danceros. Whatever they are.
The curtain opens on two pairs of tap-dancing legs.
Voice Take it. … (dancing) … Take it. … (dancing) … Take it!
Zoom out to reveal that the four legs (and voice) belong to one creature.
Danceros Going home!
The music speeds up, and he stumbles over his own legs and collapses as it ends.
Danceros
Danceros It went better in rehearsal.
He stumbles off-stage.

Blackout

Animal walks past Jim.
Jim Hey, Animal. Are you on next?
Animal Yeah.
Jim Well, as they say in show business, break a leg.
106-10
Animal Wha?
Jim I said break a leg.
Animal Oh, thank you!
Animal whacks Jim on the leg with a mallet. Jim yelps, and Animal giggles.

Backstage

Scooter follows Kermit around, much to Kermit's dismay.
Kermit George, George. Come here.
George the Janitor I'm busy.
Kermit Come here. Have you met Scooter? This is Scooter. He's our new gofer, so if you need anything around here, you know … (dashes off)
George the Janitor Need anything? Me? Need anything from some young kid? Huh. (to Scooter) Listen, kid. I've been with this theater since the very beginning, you know? Before that new guy bought it and ruined it. Heh. Now the roof leaks, and the seats are torn, the furnace is on the fritz. I tell you, he is the worst.
Scooter Yeah, he's my uncle.
George the Janitor He is the best. What's a theater without problems?
Scooter (nods) Right.
106-11
George the Janitor Your uncle's got a good head on his shoulders.
Scooter Oh?
George the Janitor Unlike some people around here.
A headless figure walks by.

At the Dance

Couples dance in a ballroom.
George the Janitor Ten, eleven, twelve. Yeah, go.
Mildred You know, my marriage was wrecked by something really stupid.
George the Janitor What was that?
Mildred My husband.
Rowlf You know, my doctor says I'm getting the Asian flu.
Girl What did he say to do?
Rowlf He says take two fortune cookies and he'd call me in the morning.
Zoot Do you believe in the hereafter?
Janice Oh, yes.
Zoot Ah, then you know what I'm here after.
Loud lady OH, I JUST LOVE THIS MUSIC! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?
Man (wearing earmuffs) Your voice is music to my ears.
106-12a
Headless figure You got something I've been looking for all my life.
Statler Well, it's halftime.
Waldorf It is?
Statler Yeah.
Waldorf What's the score?
Statler Eh, Muppets six, audience nothing.

UK Spot

Baskerville stands by the piano as Rowlf plays.
106-13
Rowlf All right, now this is what you call your dog kind of music here, as you'll see. Sing it.
Baskerville

Bowery corner, foggy night,
Passing crowd, electric light.

Rowlf Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Baskerville

German chef, can of tin,
Sausages are boiled within.

Oh, play it pretty, Rowlf.

Yeller dog, nearby prowls.

Rowlf (sniffs, growls)
Baskerville

Smells a sausage, softly growls.
Clumsy man, wooden leg,
Upsets the boiler with his peg.

Rowlf (howls)
Baskerville

Spills a sausage, scatters wurst,
Yeller dog, he gets there first.
He grabs the sausage, splits the fog.
It's another case of dog-eat-dog.

Baskerville & Rowlf (harmonizing) It's another case of dog-eat-dog.
Rowlf (howls)

Talk Spot

Kermit Hey, you know, Jim, it's a real pleasure to have you with us on the show.
Jim Well, thank you, Kermit. It's a real pleasure to be here. I'm sort of an old country boy and I feeI right at home with all these chickens and roosters and pigs. Especially that Miss Piggy, I just love her.
Kermit Piggy Lee.
Piggy throws herself at Jim.
106-14
Miss Piggy You called, my love?
Jim Hey, Miss Piggy.
Kermit Uh, Piggy, if you don't mind, uh, Jim and I were just trying to hold a quiet conversation.
Miss Piggy Oh, go right ahead. Don't mind me. Kermit, one thing. I never know whether to call him Jim or Gomer.
Jim (chuckles) Well, I guess it is kinda confusing. You see, I played Gomer Pyle on television for so long …
Kermit Gomer Pyle? I love Gomer Pyle.
Jim Oh, thank you. Well, I played him for so long I guess I get confused myself. But it goes along with my astrological sign. You see, I'm a Gemini. That means I got twin personalities.
Kermit Oh, yeah. Hey, listen, well, I'm a Taurus.
Jim You're a Taurus. That's the sign of the bull, isn't it?
Kermit Mm-hm. I'm a bullfrog. (Jim laughs) That's just a little joke.
Jim What sign were you born under, Piggy?
Miss Piggy Well, I, uh, wasn't born under a sign. I was born over a sign. At Becker's Butcher Shop. I moved as soon as possible.
Jim I don't blame you.
Kermit Hey, I was wondering, Jim, does being a Gemini give you any kind of problems?
Jim Well, it sure does, you know, because, you know, I talk like this, but then I sing like this:
He sings a passage from Pagliacci, knocking Kermit off the wall. Kermit walks off.
Jim … What happened to Kermit?
Miss Piggy He doesn't appreciate classical music, James. But it drives me bananas. (starts smothering him) Oh, sing again, please! Oh, Jim! Oh, I love it when you sing. Hold me!
Jim Wait a minute, Miss Piggy. Control yourself, Miss Piggy. Kermit?…

Backstage

Fozzie stops Kermit in his tracks.
Fozzie Kermit? Kermit? Could you — H-h-hold it!
Kermit Yeah, Fozzie. — Wh-wh-what?
Fozzie Listen. "Wh-wh-what?" Listen. Listen. There is a young kid following me all around the theater.
Kermit Yeah, I know. His name is Scooter.
Fozzie Cute. Cute name.
Kermit (mumbling) Yeah, I suppose.
Fozzie The trouble is, you see, he's following me all around and giving me these jokes for my act and they are awful.
Kermit Fozzie, how would you know?
Fozzie How would I know? Smarty-frog. Ok. OK, listen. Here's one of these jokes he gave me. It's terrible.
Enter Hilda and Gonzo.
Kermit OK, a joke.
Fozzie Hilda, Gonzo, this is one of these jokes.
Gonzo Shoot.
106-15
Fozzie I stay at a hotel so exclusive, room service has an unlisted number.
The three of them burst out laughing and run away. Fozzie gets a look of realization, and looks around for Scooter.
Fozzie SCOOOOOOTERRR! Scooter?

Wayne and Wanda

Sam the Eagle And here they are, the world's finest and most morally unobjectionable singing team, Wayne and Wanda.
Sam walks away mumbling. The curtain opens as music swells up.
Wayne And now, "Indian Love Call."
Wanda When I'm calling yoooooooooooou…
Indian Hey, baby. You called?
106-16
Wanda bursts into tears and cries on Wayne's shoulder. The curtain closes.

Fozzie's Comedy Act

Kermit emerges from the curtain.
Kermit OK, uh … uh, here we are, moving right along now, the comedy star of our show - the man who comes to us direct from a very long engagement — but a very short marriage — the man who thinks that Elton John is a singing bathroom - I'd like now to bring out one of the top comics of the business —
Statler Heh, since he's not here, bring out the regular guy. (laughs)
Kermit OK, here he is now, our very own barrel of boffs, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
Fozzie comes out to applause and a fanfare.
Fozzie Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Time for fun with Fozzie Bear! Here's some jokes from everywhere. Aah!
Waldorf Hey, hey, hey, it's that silly bear!
Statler It's time for the audience to go elsewhere.
They chuckle.
Fozzie Uh, ahem - if you don't mind, I'll do the jokes.
Waldorf We don't mind. But when are you gonna do 'em?
They chuckle.
Fozzie Pay no attention to them, folks. They don't bother me. I can handle hecklers in my sleep.
Statler Oh, well, don't tell that to the audience. They're asleep too.
They chuckle.
106-17
Fozzie Uh, uh … oh yeah?
Waldorf Yeah!
Fozzie Oh. … Oh yeah?
Statler Yeah!
Fozzie Oh yeah?
Waldorf Yeah!
Fozzie Oh yeah?
Statler & Waldorf Yeah!
Fozzie Uh … listen. I'm gonna tell you my best joke, and if you don't laugh, then I'll never come back out on this stage again, OK?
Waldorf It's a deal.
Fozzie Oh. Ah, uh, uh, uh … These two cannibals were talking. One cannibal says to the other cannibal: "Who was that lady I saw you out with last night?" The other cannibal says, "That was no lady, that was my lunch!"
Statler and Waldorf burst out laughing.
Fozzie Ah! Ah! I got you, I got you! And I lied. That was my worst joke. Oh, I love me when I'm good. Pacing, timing … (kisses his hat as the curtain closes)
Waldorf Why did we laugh at that terrible joke?
Statler Well, either we're getting soft or we're in the first stages of senility.

Bakery

Open on a man (Jim) sitting at a desk. He turns to the camera.
Jim (to viewer) Go-o-olly. Here it is, my first night at Benson's Bakery as a watchman, and I gotta be real careful to not let anybody in here. Uh-oh. Here comes somebody now.
Rowlf walks in, scatting, wearing a bandanna.
Jim Wait! Stop right there. Stop right there. Put up your hands. Put up your hands.
Rowlf I beg pardon?
Jim Your hands. Put 'em up.
Rowlf Oh? Oh, okay.
He displays two chickens.
Jim What's that?
Rowlf Those are my hens. Where shall I put 'em?
Jim Well, uh, right here on the table, I guess.
Rowlf Ok. (does so)
Jim Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. What right have you got to be here?
Rowlf Uh, what rat do I have? Well, I got uh … I got this rat right here.
He displays a rat, which squeaks.
Jim Oh. Well, I guess you do have a right to be here.
Rowlf Mm. Thank you. (begins to walk out)
Jim Now wait a minute, wait a minute. Don't move a hair.
Rowlf Okay.
He displays a rabbit.
Jim What's that?
Rowlf That's the hare I'm not supposed to move.
Jim Now, wait a minute. I don't want any beef out of you.
Rowlf No beef. Ok. Here's some pork. (holds up a pig)
Jim Now — now — now wait just a minute. What are all you animals doing here? This is supposed to be a bakery.
Rowlf Well, you see, the farmer's been losing money. We came here to raise some dough!
They all laugh.
106-18
Jim Well, well, well. I'm sure glad we got that straightened out. For a minute there I thought you was just being silly.
They all laugh.

Backstage

Fozzie reads from a piece of paper.
Fozzie "Let me tell you about my nearsighted cousin …"
Scooter Hi, Fozzie.
Fozzie "Let me tell you" — Oh! Oh. Hi. Hi, Scooter.
Scooter Yeah - hey, Foz, you know, I think you're the greatest comedian there ever was.
Fozzie (dumbfounded) Me? You think that I'm the — Oh, wow.
Scooter Really, I mean it. Cross my heart.
Fozzie Yeah?
Scooter You're the best. Nobody, nobody tells a joke as good as you. Every line, every joke, everything you say, it makes me fall down laughing. You're a million laughs! (laughs out loud)
Fozzie Okay. Hey, hey. In that case, ahem, let me tell you about my nearsighted cousin. He's so rich, his automobile's fitted with a prescription windshield.
106-19
Scooter OK, tell me about him.
He gives Scooter a blank stare.
Fozzie (to the viewer) Lucky his uncle owns this place. (to Scooter) That was a joke!
Scooter bursts out laughing.

Thank God I'm a Country Boy

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit And now, once again, folks, Mr. Jim Nabors.
106-20
Jim sings "Thank God I'm a Country Boy" with The Gogolala Jubilee Jugband, Catgut, Baskerville, and some pigs and chickens.

Goodnights

Kermit Well, that just about wraps it up for another one. We want to give our special thanks to our very special guest star, Mr. Jim Nabors. Yeah! Let's hear it for Jim! (applause as Jim comes out) Hey, Jim, I hope you had a good time.
Jim I sure did, Kermit. But tell me, who was that little ol' fella that kept following me through after the show?
Kermit Oh, that's Scooter. His uncle owns the theater.
106-21
Scooter You called?
Kermit No, I didn't!
Jim Oh, that's OK, Kermit. He was real nice. He picked up my coffee and he picked up my wardrobe.
Scooter Yeah, I even picked up his accent. "Well, go-o-olly!"
Kermit (to Jim) Be careful he doesn't try to pick up your paycheck.
Scooter (taking offense) I'm shocked!
Fozzie I'm Fozzie.
Miss Piggy I'm Piggy.
Animal I'm Animal.
Kermit Well, I'm saying good night. We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!
Jim "Go-o-olly!"
Muppets "Go-o-olly!"
They joke around as the credits roll.
Waldorf Pay up. They made it through another one.
Statler Double or nothing, next week's show?
Waldorf You're on.
ATV
THE END

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