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Episode 105: Rita Moreno/transcript

< Episode 105: Rita Moreno

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Theme

Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Rita Moreno!
The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!

Male chorus

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!

The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie My cousin's so dumb, he spent two weeks in London trying to find the European Common Market.
He takes off his hat and wiggles his ears. The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit

To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Miss Rita Moreno!

105-1
The curtain opens on Rita. Animal sneaks up behind her and bites her.
Kermit But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang

On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!

105-1.5
When Gonzo strikes the O, the effect reverberates through him.


Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you. And welcome to The Muppet Show. And what a show we got. We have music, comedy, 225 dancing elephants — who, unfortunately, left their costumes at home because they forgot to pack their trunks.
Kermit looks confused. Enter Fozzie.
105-2
Fozzie I gave him that joke!
Kermit I wish I gave it right back. But right now, let's get things moving with our special guest star, the beautiful, lovely, terrific and talented - lovely Miss Rita Moreno!
Rita-moreno-igetideas
For the opening number, Rita dances (and fights) in a saloon with a humanoid Muppet to the music of "I Get Ideas." The number is an apache dance, popularized in the early 1900s and usually with a Parisian flavor, in which a man and woman in "tough" attire and poses engage in physical conflict. The saloon has mostly pigs; Miss Piggy briefly plays the third side of a love triangle.


Backstage

The humanoid Muppet stumbles up the stairs. The pigs pass by Kermit.
Kermit OK, great number. Hey, would somebody help that guy up the stairs, please?
Miss Piggy (RH) She always does. She was, but was I good?
Pig Good? Piggy, honey, you're a ripsnorter.
She laughs as they exit. The phone rings.
Kermit Hey, Fozzie, can you get that?
Fozzie I'll get it, Kermit. (picks up the receiver) Hello. The Muppet Show backstage.
105-3
He receives a wet response.
Kermit Who was it?
Fozzie The water department. (exits)
Kermit (scowls) What the hey?

Veterinarian's Hospital

Fozzie lies on the operating table.
105-4
Announcer And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
Janice I'm sorry I'm late, Dr. Bob. I was operating in the other room.
Rowlf I know. It's the talk of the hospital.
They all nod. Rowlf examines Fozzie with a stethoscope.
Fozzie (into the stethoscope) Booga booga!
Rowlf Cut that out. Let me have the ear thing.
Miss Piggy (RH) Ear thing, Dr. Bob.
She hands it to him. He uses it to scratch his ear.
Rowlf Ooh, feels good. Stick.
Janice Stick, Dr. Bob.
She hands him a giant tongue depressor; he throws it.
Rowlf Fetch.
Janice fetches it.
Fozzie What's that all about?
Rowlf That's my laboratory retriever. (Janice returns with the tongue depressor) Good girl. (cleans it with his mouth, then tosses it)
Janice Thank you.
Miss Piggy (RH) Oh, what do you think, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf I think this man is sick. He oughta see a doctor.
Miss Piggy (RH) But, Dr. Bob, you are a doctor.
Fozzie That's your opinion. I'm gettin' outta here.
Rowlf No, you're not.
Janice You can't leave, Fozzie. Dr. Bob is the only one who can save you now.
Rowlf She's right. I saved over 500 last year.
Fozzie What? Patients?
Rowlf No, dollars.
They all face the audience and laugh. Fozzie wiggles his ears.
Rowlf Of course, I also lost over a hundred pounds.
Fozzie What, in weight?
Rowlf No, in England.
They all face the audience and laugh. Fozzie wiggles his ears.
Miss Piggy (RH) Dr. Bob, you should be ashamed of yourself. You call yourself a doctor, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf I'd never call myself a doctor. They don't come when you call them anyway.
They all face the audience and laugh. Fozzie wiggles his ears.
Announcer Tune in next week when we'll hear Nurse Piggy say …
Miss Piggy (RH) Dr. Bob, you've lost all your patients.
Rowlf I can't help it. I got a short temper. About this tall.
They all nod.
Fozzie Can I go now?

Backstage

The Vet's Hospital cast passes by Kermit.
Kermit OK, a little shaky. A little shaky, guys.
Miss Piggy (RH) (to Janice) Uh huh? Uh huh? Well, your timing was awful!
Janice What do you know about time?
Miss Piggy (RH) I know your face would stop a clock!
Janice Stuff it, pork chop!
Kermit Okay, okay, okay … (the phone rings) Hey Fozzie, can you get that please?
Fozzie Yeah, Kermit, I — whew, I'll get it. Whew. (picks up the receiver) Ahem. Hello. Backstage at The Muppet Show.
He receives a smoky response.
Kermit Fozzie, who was it?
105-5
Fozzie (coughs) The fire department.
Kermit (to the viewer) I think this is what they call a running gag.
The Newsman runs by.
Fozzie Nope, that's what they call a running gag.

Muppet Newsflash

Newsman Here's a Muppet newsflash. (runs to the desk, tripping over the chair) Dateline, Fresno. Mr. Thomas Galli — or Galley — spent the last 27 months teaching his pet chicken to dance classical ballet.
105-6
Newsman Last Saturday, the chicken passed her auditions and became a member of the Royal Copenhagen Ballet. Unfortunately, Mrs. Galley didn't wish to move to Denmark, so she fricasseed the ballerina for lunch.
Statler Speaking of lunch, I wonder what the Swedish Chef has up his sleeve. Heh.
Waldorf A summons from the board of health, I wager.
Statler (laughs)

The Swedish Chef

Open on the Chef with some spoons.
Swedish Chef (sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
He tosses the spoons.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … der flåppên jåckën høokën.
He displays the batter bowl, then the spatula.
105-7
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … de båttër. (mock Swedish) … der flîp-flöp der flåpjåck. (mock Swedish)
He scoops up a pancake, tosses it, and it doesn't come down.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … der stïckën on der røofen. (mock Swedish) … der flåpjåck on der her hoøp.
He tosses another one, which also doesn't come down. He retrieves a shotgun.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … I get der blünderbûssën. (mock Swedish)
BANG! He fires upwards, and many pancakes land on him.

Backstage

The phone rings. Fozzie rushes to it.
Fozzie I got it.
He almost picks up the wrong part when answering the phone.
Fozzie Ahem. The Muppet Show. Backstage.
He uses his hat to catch the coins that fall out of the phone. Enter Kermit.
105-8
Kermit Fozzie, who was that?
Fozzie Las Vegas. Ha.
Kermit scowls and walks off. Fozzie puts his hat on, and realizes what a mistake he's made.

At the Dance

Couples dance in a ballroom. Zoot and Janice notice Animal dancing with a woman.
Zoot They're a nice-looking couple.
Janice Yeah, but a couple of what?
Woman I hear you come from a broken home.
Animal Yeah. I broke it myself. Two, three, dip. (dips her violently multiple times) Dip. … Dip. Hahaha!
Miss Piggy dances with another pig.
Miss Piggy (RH) Does one ever encounter sharks in these parts?
Pig Oh, no. Absolutely not. Never. Uh, why do you ask?
105-9
Miss Piggy (RH) Oh, uh, just curious.
Janice I hear that the president said that you shouldn't panic if you don't have a job.
Zoot That's easy for him to say. He's got a job.
George dances with Mildred. Mildred notices the shark fin.
Mildred I don't think we should come to this ballroom any more.
George the Janitor Why?
Mildred It seems to be attracting a lower class of animal.
George the Janitor Oh, well.
The shark pulls him down.
George the Janitor Ahh! I have a gnawing feeling you're right. Let's tango.

UK Spot

The Country Trio sings.
Song.ToMorrow
Jim

I started on a journey just about a year ago,
To a little town called Morrow in the state of Ohio.
I've never been much of a traveler, and I really didn't know
That Morrow was the hardest place I'd ever try to go.
So I went down to the station for my ticket and applied
For tips regarding Morrow, not expecting to be guyed.
Said I, "My friend, I'd like to go to Morrow and return
No later than tomorrow, for I haven't time to burn."
Said he to me…

Jerry

Now let me see if I have heard you right.
You'd like to go to Morrow and return tomorrow night?
You should have gone to Morrow yesterday, and back today,
For the train that goes to Morrow is a mile upon its way.
If you had gone to Morrow yesterday, now don't you see,
You could have gone to Morrow and returned today at three?
For the train today to Morrow, if the schedule is right,
Today it gets to Morrow and returns tomorrow night.

Jim

Said I, "I'd like to go to Morrow, so can I go today,
And get to Morrow by tonight if there is no delay?"

Jerry

"Well, well," I said to him, "and I've got no more to say
Can you get anywhere tomorrow and get back again today?"

Jim

Said I, "I guess you know it all, but kindly let me say,
How can I get to Morrow if I leave this town today?"
Said he …

Jerry

You cannot go to Morrow anymore today,
For the train that goes to Morrow is a mile upon its way.

Jim

I was so disappointed, I was mad enough to swear.
The train had gone to Morrow and had left me standing there.
The man was right in telling me …

Jerry

You are a howling jay.
You cannot go to Morrow.

Jim Well, I guess in town I'll stay.
The song ends.
Frank I don't get it.
They all shrug and walk off.

Marvin Suggs

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare and applause.
Kermit Right now, friends, I am proud to present a group of performers that I personally discovered in the waiting room of a bus station in Toledo, Ohio. They weren't performing there, they were just waiting. But anyhow, let's bring 'em on with a big hand, Marvin Suggs and his Muppaphone! Yaaay!
Marvin Suggs Ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole! Thank you, thank you and gracias! Thank you! I am-ah the beloved-ah Marvin Suggs-ah! And now, presenting-ah, the performing members of-ah, the Muppaphone!
The little fluff balls take their positions.
Muppaphone members (random) Move it, move it. Yeah, yeah. Another day, another headache. Mimimimimi …
Marvin Suggs Attention! (they all fall silent) … Ahem. Tuning up.
105 muppaphone
With his mallet, he whacks them, playing a scale of "OW"s. The fifth one is off-key, so Suggs shifts it to the far left.
Marvin Suggs Oh, no. Move it, Marvin. Move it. move it, Marvin. Move it. Move it. Attention! (they all fall silent) … Ahem. Tuning up.
In the second attempt, the seventh one is too high, so he switches it.
Marvin Suggs Move it, Lucy. Move it. Move it, move it, move it, move it. Attention! (they all fall silent) … Ahem. Tuning up.
In the third attempt, he plays a perfect scale of "OW"s.
Marvin Suggs Yes, yes. Oh, yes, yes. Marvin, you've done it!
Muppaphone (whispering to another) Do you need a vacation? …
Marvin Suggs Bernard.
Muppaphone (gets whacked) OWWWWW!
Marvin Suggs And now, "Lady of Spain."
Muppaphone members Huh?
Marvin Suggs The song.
Music swells up. He plays each note with his mallet, until a giant mallet knocks him out. The Muppaphones conclude the song with one final harmonic note, and jump for joy.

Panel Discussion

Open on Kermit and the panelists chit-chatting.
Kermit Can we have a little quiet here? Can we have a little quiet? Quiet! Quiet, please!
He accidentally bangs his gavel on his own flipper, and yelps.
Kermit Uh, ahem, OK, time again to raise the intellectual level of our program, as our panel discusses questions of lasting importance. And our special guest tonight is Miss Tiffany Gonzalez.
Rita 'Allo 'allo 'allo!
Kermit Aloha, Tiffany. And our question of lasting importance: "Is conversation a dying art?" What do you think, Tiffany?
Rita (thick Cuban accent) Well, uh, yes, Kermit, people don't know how to talk. They speak gibberish. They don't say nothing. You talk to people, they don't listen. Fabulous. I'm talking to this crazy guy. I'm talking about war and peace. then he tells me something about the price of coconuts. Now am I crazy or is he crazy?
Miss Piggy What did she say?
Panelist I don't know. I wasn't listening.
Miss Piggy I was listening and I still don't know what she said.
Rita What's the matter with you? You don't understand English?
Miss Piggy (mocking her) No, I don't understand "Englich".
Rita Wait a minute …
Panelist (restrains Piggy) Don't make fun of the lady's accent.
Rita What accent? Listen, boychik, I speak as good English as the next guy.
Miss Piggy Yeah, if the next guy is Desi Arnaz! (chuckles)
Kermit Piggy, please. Girls, if you wa —
105-10
Rita Excuse me. I want to talk. (shuts Kermit's mouth) Listen, you. … How would you like a high heel in your hamhock?
Miss Piggy (gasps) Well, I never.
Kermit (bangs his gavel, trying to restore order) Yes, yes, yes. Now what about, what about conversation as a dying art?
Miss Piggy (to Rita) If conversation is a dying art, you've killed it! Hahaha!
Kermit Piggy, uh, please. Why don't you let Tiffany and The Guru talk?
Miss Piggy "Tiffany and The Guru." Didn't that star Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon?
Panelist (chimes in) Oh, I saw that movie.
Rita Listen, your time is almost up.
They all talk at the same time as Kermit bangs his gavel.
Brewster Listen to me. You see, in my country we have a seldom used saying: "When the swine lubricates the automobile, you end up with a greased pig."
105-11
Rita That don't make sense.
Brewster I know. That's why it's seldom used.
Rita In my country we have a saying too: "Cuando uno trabaja con una cochinita majadera lo que hay que hacer es darle la amenaza de posibilidad de asesinato." ("When you work with a closed-minded pig, you have to threaten her with the possibility of murder.")
Miss Piggy What is that supposed to mean?
Rita That means one more crack from you and you're one dead enchilada!
Miss Piggy (gasp) Who let this wacko taco on the panel?
Rita Listen, how would you like to take a flying leap into a sausage factory? (pokes Piggy)
Miss Piggy (gasp) Don't touch me!
Kermit Uh, girls, uh … well uh …
Rita and Piggy bicker, as they all start talking over each other.
Rita OK, I'm sick and tired of you! Come over here! Come over here! She's a coward.
Miss Piggy Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Oh yeah?
Kermit Well, the question is, "is conversation a dying art?" And I don't think it is, but it is severely injured. Tune in next week when our topic will be improving US-Latin American relations. Okay?
Statler Yes … that Miss Moreno is easy on the eyes, but hard on the ears.
Waldorf Yes. In fact, I just got a concussion from that discussion.
Statler (laughs)

Backstage / Muppet Newsflash

The phone rings. Fozzie answers it.
Fozzie The Muppet Show. Backsta —
105-12
BOOM!
Kermit OK, who was it this time?
Fozzie The atomic energy commission.
Kermit scowls. Transition to the newsroom.
Newsman Here's a Muppet newsflash. (runs to the desk) There is no news tonight. (runs off)

Talk Spot

Kermit Hey, listen, Rita. At this time in the show —
Rita Kermit, Kermit, before you go on …
Kermit What?
Rita … I just have to tell you that I have always been a Muppet nut.
Kermit Aw, well, that's very —
Rita That I love all of you so much. (tickles him and coos)
Kermit A frog is very ticklish. Hey, but listen. This, this is the part of the show where we have what we call our "talk spot," you see …
Rita Oh, yeah. (sigh)
Kermit … where the guest sits here and talks casually and spontaneously with the frog, you see. And uh …
Rita I know, I know, but, Kermit, haven't you ever noticed on these variety shows, when they have a talk spot, that the actors always come off so phony? I mean, you know that they're rehearsed. You know that they are reading cue cards.
Kermit Yeah, but, Rita …
Rita Jes?
Kermit … on our show, on our — Wait a minute. (squints) "But Rita, but Rita, on our show, we do not use any cue cards, Rita, on our show, we do not …"
Rita Kermit!
Kermit I was just kidding there.
Rita Oh, sorry. Kermit, can't we just please do it Muppet-style? Let's ad-lib it.
Kermit Oh, you mean ad-lib, just sort of yeah, just make it up?
Rita That's right, yeah …
Kermit I don't mind. Sure, yeah, just chatting, like that. Sure.
Rita Good, okay, let's do it then.
Kermit Well, I don't mind doing that, but there are others who might take offense.
Rita Like who?
Kermit Like the guy who holds the cue cards.
105-13
Enter Sweetums, the cue card holder.
Sweetums Nice lady no want Sweetums to hold cue cards?
Rita Well, I, uh … no.
Sweetums Well … nice lady let Sweetums hold something else?
Rita Oh, sure, you can hold anything you want.
Sweetums Ah-ha! That best offer me have all week!
He carries her away.
Kermit Uh, happens so often on our show. Our guest stars just get carried away.

Wayne and Wanda

Main stage. Sam stands on the proscenium.
Sam the Eagle As all of us right-thinking people know, Wayne and Wanda are the only truly uplifting act on this whole questionable program. So, with a sense of … awesome pride, I present the singing team of Wayne and Wanda with "Goody Goody." (runs off) Oh, goody goody.
The curtain opens on them.
105-14
Wayne So you met someone who set you back on your heels … (knocks her over) Goody Goody!
She scowls at him as the curtain closes.

Fozzie's comedy act

Kermit enters right when the curtain closes.
Kermit OK, moving right along, friends ...
Sam the Eagle (passing by) Stall, stall.
Kermit Yeah, OK, uh … once again, by popular demand, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
Fozzie's fanfare plays as the curtain opens.
105-Fozziecomedy
Fozzie Thank you. Yeah, love you all. Yeah, it's me again, the old Fozzie Bear. Hickory dickory dock, a laugh a minute by the clock.
Waldorf Oh yeah? Well, you better check your clock. It looks like it stopped.
Statler (laughs)
Fozzie I go with a lovely girl. She's so bowlegged, when she stands around the house, she stands around the house.
Statler Hey! Hey! You remind me of Charlton Heston.
Fozzie Charlton Heston doesn't tell jokes.
Statler Well? (they chuckle)
Fozzie Well, I'm good enough to play the Palace.
Waldorf You're not good enough to clean the Palace. (they chuckle)
Fozzie Didn't you like my last joke?
Statler Yes, if you promise it's your last joke. (they chuckle)
Fozzie You-you guys wouldn't know a good joke if you fell over one.
Waldorf Well, we're not in any danger with your act. (they chuckle)

Backstage

Kermit (through the intercom) OK, onstage for Rita's closing number. That's Rita, Floyd and Animal, please. Onstage, onstage. (Floyd passes by him) OK. Everybody ready for that closing nu— (the phone rings)
Fozzie I'll get it, I'll get it.
Kermit Don't! Don't answer that phone, Fozzie!
Fozzie I got it. I got it.
Kermit No, Fozzie. Do not answer that telephone.
Fozzie Oh, but, Kermit. All these terrific funny things happen when I do answer it.
Kermit I'm aware of that. I'm aware of that, Fozzie.
Fozzie Come on. Watch out, I'll get it.
Kermit Is there no end to this running gag?
Animal runs by, rips the phone box out from the wall and runs off with it.
105-15
Fozzie Well, I guess that puts an end to this running gag.
Kermit Yeah, and also to all the incoming calls.

"Fever"

Floyd plays bass, while Animal plays the drums.
105-16
Rita

Never know how much I love you.
Never know how much I care.
When you put your arms around me,
I get a fever that's so hard to bear.
You give me fever …

Animal makes a loud rimshot, which startles her somewhat.
Rita

... When you kiss me.
Fever when you hold me tight.
Fever… (RIMSHOT!) ...In the morning.
Fever all through the night.

She walks up to Animal.
TRANSLATION
Rita Oye, buddy. Quiero decirte que no se debe hacer eso. "Listen, buddy. All I wanna tell you is that you shouldn't do that."
It's not nice, ¿entiendes? "It's not nice, understand?"
Mirame a mi cuando te hable. Este es mi numero, y si tu me fastidias mas, te voy a dar una gaznata que te vas a ver bobo. "Look at me when I'm talking to you. This is my number, and if you bother me any more I'm gonna hit you so hard, it's gonna leave you stupid."
So cool it. (walks back to the stage)
Animal (mocks her) "So cool it." (turns away when she faces him)
Rita

Sun lights up the morning.
Moon lights up the night.
I light up when you call my name.
'Cause you know I'm gonna treat you right.
You give me fever … (RIMSHOT!) … When you kiss me.
(RIMSHOT!) ... me tight.

Animal goes full steam on the drums.
Rita

Fever … When you kiss me.
Fever when you hold me tight.
Fever all through the night.
Fever … all through the night.

She walks up to him and crashes a pair of cymbals on his head.
Animal (dazed) That my kinda woman! (collapses)

Goodnights

Main stage. Kermit appears in a tuxedo.
Kermit Well, once again, folks, we've come to the end of the show, and I cannot but pause to thank our lovely guest star, Miss Rita Moreno.
Rita enters, carrying the humanoid Muppet from the opening number, who she tosses aside.
Rita ¡Ole!
Kermit Rita, I wish you wouldn't throw things on the floor. We try to be neat around here.
Rita Oh, that's OK, Kermit. He loves it. I had lunch with him today. It's OK.
105-18
Kermit OK, if you say so. Hey, thank you, Rita. And thank you all. Join us next time on The Muppet Show.(Fozzie waves) … Fozzie, don't upstage her, OK?
She cheers as Muppets gather around her. The credits roll.
The balcony appears empty, until Statler and Waldorf rise from the floor.
Waldorf I still couldn't find the chewing gum.
ATV
THE END

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