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Episode 104: Ruth Buzzi/transcript

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It's The Muppet Show with our

special guest star, Miss Ruth Buzzi,

It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets

on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

on The Muppet Show tonight

I finally found a sure

way to lose weight,

I bought a scale that lies,

To introduce our guest star

That's what it's time to do

So it really makes me happy

To introduce to you

Miss Ruth Buzzi,

But now let's get things started

on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

This is what we call

The Muppet Show

Hi, gang, and welcome to the show, Hey,

I feeI good tonight for two reasons,

One, Scooter's uncle has

extended the lease on our theater

which gives us a roof over our head,

And two, our special guest

star is Miss Ruth Buzzi,

which is enough to

make anyone feeI good,

But right now, let's get the show under

way with some musicaI mayhem, Hit it, boys,


Yesterday my life

was filled with rain

Too slow!

- # Sunny

You smiled at me and

really eased the pain

Dark days are done

Bright days are here

My sunny one shines so sincere

Oh, sunny one so true

- # I love you

- Faster!

- # Sunny

- All right!

Thank you for the sunshine bouquet


Thank you for the

love you brought my way

You gave to me your all in all

Now I feeI I'm ten feet tall

Oh, sunny one so true, I love you


- # Sunny

- Sunny!

� Thank you for the

truth you let me see

What's goin' on?

Sunny What's happening?

Thank you for the facts from A to Z

My life was torn like windblown sand

And a rock was formed

when we held hands

- # Oh, sunny one so true, I love you

- Yeah!

What's happening? Sunny

Wait-wait a minute,

Thank you for the

smile upon your face

Oh, Sunny

You're my spark of nature's

fire You're my complete desire

- # Oh, sunny one so true, I love you

- Yeah!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Too fast, Too fast,

- Nice, nice, Nice job, Nice job,

Tell him to lighten up, man,

- Yeah, I will, OK,

Take it easy, AnimaI,

Hi, Kermit, Hey, Kermit,

- Scooter, Scooter,

Scooter, what is this?

- Oh, that's a crate,

I can see it's a crate, but

who's responsible for it?

Oh, I am,

- Scooter!

What makes you think you can

bring a crate into the backstage?

My uncle owns the theater,

- And a nice crate it is too,

May I ask you what is in it?

Sure, go ahead,

- What is in it?

Well, it's a mechanicaI

windup TV show host,

A mechanicaI windup TV show host?

- Right,

Scooter, that is the dumbest, the craziest,

most ridiculous idea you have ever Agh!

Good grief,

Scooter, you're out

of your mind! - Mm-hm,

Be carefuI, frog, His

uncle owns the theater,

Wait a minute, Oh!


I wish they'd had

rock-'n'-roll in the '40s, - Why?

We'd be dead by now,

Don't you see? You've got to be strong,

You've got to stand on your own two feet,

But that's the problem,

- What?

I've got three feet,

Oh, my dear, You are so lovely,

Have I ever seen you in the movies?

Well, I don't think

so, I hardly ever go,

Don't you feeI stupid with three feet?

Sure, but the other one didn't

come back from the cleaners,

You know, I have a

bone to pick with you,

Too late, I just buried it,

Do you really have three feet?

Sure, One, two, three,


Three feet and one broken back,

Well, I think I'll go stretch my legs,

I'll do it for you,

Agh! Agh! Agh!

Agh! Agh!

Well, time soon for the handsome frog here

to make another one of his introductions,

I will check myself and see

how I look in the mirror,

Scooter, where did you get this

ridiculous windup TV-show host?

I was a gift from his uncle,

- Welcome to the show,

With a few exceptions, the

characters on this program

are weird and peculiar,

and not to be trusted,

One of those exceptions,

aside from myself, of course,

is the wonderful singing

team of Wayne and Wanda,

They've really rehearsed this one,

so they're sure to get it right,

Here they are, Wayne and

Wanda, with "Row, Row, Row,"

Young Johnnie Jones

he had a cute little boat

And all the girlies

I would take for a float

He had girlies on the shore

Sweet little peaches by the score

But Johnnie was a

wisenheimer you know

A steady girI was Flo

And every Sunday afternoon

She'd jump in his

boat and they would spoon

And then he'd row, row, row

A Muppet news flash,

The Atlantic Ocean has just been

kidnapped, Disappearance of the ocean

was first reported by lighthouse

keeper Morrie Patterson,

He was awakened late last night when 500

fish pounded on his door asking for water,

Authorities suspect that the

ocean is being held prisoner

in an apartment somewhere in Newark,

A ransom note has

reportedly been received,

The kidnappers are demanding

two Christmases each year

and a hug from Mommy every night,

Ladies and gentlemen, A lady you loved

on Laugh-In and hundreds of other shows,

A comedienne, an actress, a singer,

a dancer, and a lot of fun at parties,

Our guest star, Miss Ruth Buzzi,

You're just too good to be true

Can't take my eyes off of you

You'd be like heaven to touch

I want to hold you so much

At last love has arrived

Then I thank God I'm alive

You're just too good to be true

Can't take my eyes off you

Pardon the way that I stare

There's nothing else to compare

The sight of you leaves me weak

There are no words left to speak

But if you feeI like I feeI

Please let me know that it's reaI

You're just too good to be true

Can't take my eyes off of you

I love you, baby

And if it's quite all right

I need you, baby

To warm the lonely night

I love you, baby

Trust in me when I say

Oh, pretty baby

Don't bring me down, I pray

Oh, pretty baby

Now that I've found you, stay

And let me love you, baby

Let me love you

Let me love you, baby

Let me love you

Let me love you

That's my kind of woman,

You may not know this, but I'm

really a very sentimentaI dog,

I cry easily,

Onions, for instance,

always make me cry,

I'll admit I split bananas

Take Easter eggs and make them dye

But I never harmed an onion

So why should they make me cry?

Once I saw a salad dressing

My face got radish

- my, oh, my

But I never harmed an onion

So why should they make me cry?

Potatoes I've mashed

and berries I've crushed

I've made an artichoke

and that's not all

I've also whipped

cream and beaten an egg

Yes, I've even made a melon ball

Of all the things above I'm guilty

If punished, I would know just why

But I never harmed an onion

So why should they make me cry?

Oh, why should they make me cry?

Well, Ruth, I thought we'd just sit

here and chew the fat for a while,

Oh, Kermit, I never chew the fat,

Yeah, well

- No, no, Fat is not good for you,

Fat is a no-no, In fact, every

time I see fat, I go blah!

Yeah, well, I

- You are looking at a body, Kermit,

that has not one ounce of fat on it,

Well, yeah

- This is lean, Lean,

El leano, Kermit, my froggy friend,

Yeah, yeah, I can

see all that, Yeah

Kermit, I had a friend once who chewed

so much fat that she was as big as a house

and she decided to rent

herself out as a duplex,

You get it, Kermit? A duplex,

- Yeah, Yeah,

A little joke,

I seem to be losing controI here,

Ruth, Ruth, what I meant, when

I said all that back there,

what I meant was let's talk

a bit, Let's just talk a bit,

I love to talk, Kermit,

OK, what'll we talk about?

Well, we all know that you

hate fat, but what do you love?

Oh, well, I love to eat,

But you just said

- I eat health foods,

organic foods, dairy products

Dairy products, That's a no-no,

Dairy products killed my uncle,

Oh, that's awfuI,

- Yep, he was hit by a dairy truck,

That's terrible,

- His last words were:

"Take the cheese off my chest,"

Oh, that's awfuI, Kermit,

Yeah, well, don't blame

me, I didn't write that,

Oh, it's a joke,

- Yeah, it was just a joke,

That's up to the laugh track,

But speaking of laughs, Ruth,

you know, you really tickle me,

Well, that's how I make everyone laugh,

- How's that?

I tickle them,


- Marvelous,

That you should care for me,


- Huh?

Ladies and gentlemen, now the

act you've been waiting for,

The man with the fur and the

funnies, our own Fozzie Bear,

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

Love you all, Yeah, Oh, it's

gonna be a great night tonight,

Yeah, Somewhere, but not here,

You folks are in for a reaI treat,

You mean you're finished?

Hey, come on, Come on, you guys,

Hey, a lot of these

folks wanna see me,

Well, so do we,

- You wanna see me perform?

No, Retire,

Hey, look, If you don't like

me, why do you come here?

Because you're one of the

top comics in the business,

In the world,

- In the business world,

Look, who's doing

this show? You or me?

Well, we're getting all the laughs,

This is my act,

And you're the greatest straight man in

the business, You've never been funnier,


- Really?

Oh, thank you, You're a wonderfuI

audience, Kisses, Kisses,


What did we just do?

- His act,

Well, we've never been funnier,

All right, Now, give

us the information,

or we have ways of making you talk,

Yes, sir, I'm Wac

Lieutenant Jane B, Smithers,

First Battalion, Fifth Army,

Based on the far side of the river,

We have over 1 5,000 troops,

heavily armed with 40 tanks

and three fighter planes,

Good, Thank you very much, That's

the information we needed, Thank you,

You're very welcome, Now, listen,

We have enough food and

ammunition for three weeks,

The commanding officer's

name is Frank Irving,

He's a gunnery expert

and a former account exec

with an ad agency in Philadelphia,

Well, yes, fine, That

should do it, Thank you,

He's 43 years old

and has two children,

And he drives a '63

Dodge station wagon,

And the pilot flying plane

number one is Mike Kelly,

Oh, yes, He's a graduate of

West Point and he wears a toupee,

That's enough! Enough already,

- He got three Bs and an A in his finaI year,

And he went with a generaI's

daughter named Maggie,

I don't care,

- Oh, she had a mole on her left shoulder,

I'm warning you, We have ways

of making you stop talking,

Listen, The other pilot

is an expert in decoding

and he is a crack gin rummy player,

I mean, he is really terrific,

Please don't do any

more, Stop, Don't talk,

Please don't talk, Stop it, please,

Oh, light of my life, frog in my arms,

At last we are alone,

At last you are alone, Piggy, I'm about to

go on stage in front of a thousand people,


Oh, wretched day for a pig in

her prime to be thus scorned,


How I long to hear my

love whisper sweet passion,

Hiya, good-looking, Where

you been all my life?


How? But

Hey, listen, you, Hey, you,

How about you and me getting

together and making some steam heat,

huh, snuggle bunny?

Snuggle bunny? But

Yeah, look, look, look, Let

me take you away from all this,

A marriage made in

heaven, A frog and a pig,

We could have bouncing baby figs,

Baby figs?

- Sure, let me whisper

Let me whisper sweet

nothings in your ear,

Sweet nothings,

Oh, Oh,


Ugh! Ugh!


How dare you say that to a pig!

Piggy, Piggy, let me explain,

- Oh?

Explain this,

Hii-yah! Hiii!

Hiii! Hiii!

Listen, I think you may have dented him,

- I don't c


Oh, well, The frog broke her fall,

I hear your son the hoteI has

become interested in religion,

Oh, interested isn't the word,

He's seriously thinking

about becoming a monastery,

Kermit has asked me to introduce

this week's closing number,

So it is with great pleasure

Excuse me, Don't pay any

mind to me, Miss Buzzi,

I merely stand by, checking

the content of this program

to make sure it is

morally above reproach,


It is with great pleasure that I

present the Gogolala Jubilee Jug-Band,

That does not sound

culturally uplifting,

Well, you can't

roller-skate in a buffalo herd

You can't roller-skate

in a buffalo herd

No, you can't roller-skate

in a buffalo herd

But you can be happy

if you've a mind to

All you gotta do

is put your mind to it

Knuckle down, buckle

down, do it, do it, do it

You can't go swimmin'

in a baseball pooI

You can't go swimmin'

in a baseball pooI

No, you can't go

swimmin' in a baseball pooI

But you can be happy

if you've a mind to

You can't change film

with a kid on your back

You can't change film

with a kid on your back

No, you can't change

film with a kid on your back

But you can be happy

if you've a mind to

All you gotta do

is put your mind to it

Knuckle down, buckle

down, do it, do it, do it

You can't roller-skate

in a buffalo herd

You can't roller-skate

in a buffalo herd

No, you can't roller-skate

in a buffalo herd

But you can be happy if

this is the end of the song

Pass me that jug over here,

Time once again to raise the

intellectuaI leveI of our program,

It's about time too,

- Just hold it down there, Sam,

Tonight, our distinguished

paneI of experts

includes our special

guest, Miss Gloria Goodbody,

Thank you,

- You're more than welcome,

And tonight we discuss that controversiaI

topic, "Is the human body obsolete?"

I presume the question under discussion

is something to do with the importance,

or lack thereof, of the physiologicaI

prowess, in this age of growing technology

and ever-escalating

cybernetic engineering,

That was wonderfuI,

I didn't understand it,

Now, actually, actually,

everyone, I was saying

that I think we're supposed to

be talking about physicaI fitness,

Oh, physicaI fitness,

- Yes, physicaI fitness,

Well, I'm fit,

- Let's get physicaI,

I'm a nut on physicaI fitness,

- Really?

In fact, I've tried every

exercise program that there is,

Right now, I'm into yoga,

- Yoga?

Yes, yoga,

- Isn't that that weird sour milk stuff?

Oh, no, That's yogurt, This is yoga,

What are you doing?

Doesn't that hurt?

Well, that's

about all the time we have,

What's going on?

Are you all right, Miss Goodbody?

Where are you going? There's

supposed to be a discussion here,

Oh, listen, Listen, That's nothing,

Watch this, This is physicaI fitness,

Wing-ups, One, two, three,

four, One, two, three, four,

You wanna elucidate?

- Would I?

The paneI appear to be too

busy to continue the discussion,

but tune in next week, where our topic

will be crowd controI and riot suppression,

Bravo, Bravo,

- WonderfuI,

Well, that's all for tonight,

Thank you all for watching,

and special thanks to our wonderfuI

guest star, Miss Buth Ruzzi,

Buth Ruzzi, Buth Ruzzi, Buth Ruzzi,

Look at that, I knew this wicked

contraption would break down eventually,

A mere machine could

never replace a reaI frog,

You're a nice person, Ruth,

- Thank you,

And I hope we've tickled you as much

as you've tickled us on the show,

You have, Kermit,

- Right, guys? Huh?

Tickle, tickle,

- Oh, don't!

Hey, join us next week

on The Muppet Show.

Well, did you like the show?

- No, I didn't, No, I didn't, No, I didn't,

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