Cold open

Open on Andy and Randy looking at a wall lamp and holding some light bulbs.
Andy Okay ...
Randy What now? Uh ...
Pan over to John, relaxing on a couch wearing a robe and with cucumber slices on his eyes.
Clifford Yo, John, are you all ready for the show? Is there anything else I can get you?
John No, you guys have been great. Just what the doctor ordered.
Clifford (chuckles)
John (removes slices) I tell you, I've been so busy lately, if I didn't do a nice, relaxing show like this, I'd go crazy. And it is going to be relaxing, isn't it, Clifford? You promised me.
Clifford Oh, yeah, John. What could possibly go wrong?
Suddenly they hear electrical sparks. Andy and Randy have removed the lamp from the wall and are marveling at the live wires. John gets up and grabs them.
Andy & Randy Ooh!
Andy Sparklers!
Randy Let's play with them!
Andy Yeah!
John Fellas, fellas! Get away from there!
Andy & Randy Huh?
John You could be electrocuted.
Clifford Yeah, you guys could've been killed! You should thank Mr. Goodman for saving your little piggy skin.
Andy Thank you, Mr. Good-man.
Randy Yeah. Without our skins, we could never be naked.
Andy Oooh.
John That's all right, fellas. Hey, Clifford -- the ig-pays are a little upid-stay.
Clifford Mm-hm. (nods)
Andy & Randy (gasp)
Andy He speaks the ancient tongue!
Randy Oh!
They start bowing at John.
Andy & Randy E-way are not orthy-way! E-way are not orthy-way!
Clifford (to John) Welcome to my life. Uh, come on, John, I'll show you around the studio. (they leave)
Andy You know what?
Randy What?
Andy We must become Mr. Good-man's personal slaves because he saved our lives.
Randy Yes! If it wasn't for him, we might have been elocuted! Like this! (goes up to touch the wire)
Andy Oh, yes! Oh -- let me.
In another room, John and Clifford go over lines, when the lights flicker.
John "No, my man--"
The pigs' screams are heard.
Clifford What was that?
John I dunno. (sniff) Smells like bacon.
Clifford Sure does.
John (sniffs his armpit) Not me.
Clifford (sniffs his armpit) Not me.


Theme

Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star John Goodman! (yelps)
He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.


Opening / Tales from the Vet

Open on the house band. Clifford comes out to applause.
A. Ligator Here's the host of our show, C'lifford!
Clifford What's up, yeah. Good evening, good evening. And welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that has families all around the world saying...
Switch to a family watching TV.
Family (simultaneously) I don't get it.
Dog (DG) I do. You see, they're making fun of all of you. And, uh...
They stare at him.
Dog (DG) Then never mind.
Back to Clifford.
Clifford Any hue, we're all very excited tonight because our guest star is Mr. John Goodman! (applause) Yeah! But to start the show off, here's the veterinarian of carrion, our very own Dr. Phil van Neuter!
Switch to a lab, with weird creatures squirming in cages.
Announcer It's time now for an extra-scary edition of... Tales from the Vet.
Dr. Phil van Neuter (pops up) Heyyyy-hi-ho YOU! Scared you, didn't I? Yes, always! I am Dr. Phil van Neuter, your ... friendly veterinarian.
He pets a creature in a cage, which hisses and chomps at him.
Dr. Phil van Neuter Oh! Get away! -- Welcome to a special edition of... TALES FROM THE VET! (thunderclap) Oh! Oh, what is that? -- Every week, Mulch and I receive thousands and thousands of letters. Mulch, Mulch, the fan mail!
Mulch arrives with a bag of letters. Phil inspects them.
Dr. Phil van Neuter Oh, there you are. ... Come on, hurry up. ... Two letters? That's it?
Mulch (shrugs, growls)
Dr. Phil van Neuter What do you mean, the rest were for you? You can't even read!
Mulch Aww... (exits)
Dr. Phil van Neuter Anyway, anyway... one of these letters intrigued me. And I quote... "Dear Dr. Phil, we hear you are married to Mulch's sister, the enchanting and bewitching Composta Heap. How did you meet? And can you please tell us in a song, preferably one by Thomas Dolby?" Well... if memory serves, I believe it went something like this...
Fade to a flashback of Phil meeting Composta in a college science lab.
Dr. Phil van Neuter I was a young man studying taxidermy at Stufts University-- good ol' Stufts U-- when I met the beautiful Composta.
He sings "She Blinded Me With Science" as he and Composta start dancing around. She accidentally hits him while looking through the microscope.
Dr. Phil van Neuter Oh, my specimen -- ow!
She claps the erasers on him.
Dr. Phil van Neuter Ow! Oh! Oh, my glasses! Oh! Oh! Oh, yes...
Some creatures join in the song.
Dr. Phil van Neuter Oh, very good.
Phil startles Composta while she mixes liquids. They chase around the desk.
Dr. Phil van Neuter Come here, sweetie pie! Science! Come here, Composta! Science! Uh! Uh! Uh! Come here, come here! ... Science!
They make out as the song ends. Fade to the control room, where Nigel and the techie weep.
Techie (BB) I love a happy ending.
Nigel Me, too. So what's on now?
Techie (BB) Nothing.
Nigel Nothing? That's nice -- NOTHING?!? CUE THE ANNOUNCER FOR THE NEXT BIT! CUE!

Operation Desert Rat

Open on a rat battlefield. Rizzo, John Goodman and other rats are holed up in a foxhole.
A. Ligator North Africa, 1943. General Montgomery's desert rats are trapped behind enemy lines. What follows is the true story of the Rats' Patrol.
John It don't look good, fellas. The enemy cheese has us surrounded. Rats!
Rats Yes, sir!
John No, no, no. I meant...Shoot!
The rats fire their guns.
John No, no, no! Darn! And if any of you clowns pulls out a pair of socks, I'll slug ya.
Slug (KC) Did someone say "slug"?
John (shoves it) Get outta here.
Rizzo Hey, Sarge, enemy cheese approaching.
Cheese (DG) Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I am Swiss. We are neutral! I am going trench to trench selling army knives and bank accounts. You guys want anything?
Rizzo Hey, hey, hey, go on, get out of here before I put a few more holes in you, fondue-face.
The rats shove the cheese away.
Cheese (DG) Aah! Aah! Don't push me with that. Oops!
John I tell ya, I can't wait to get out of here.
Rizzo Yeah.
John Hey, Indiana.
Indiana Rat (JN) Yeah. What's up, Sarge?
John What are you gonna do when you get outta here?
Indiana Rat (JN) I know exactly what I'm gonna do. Yeah! I'm going to cook my girlfriend Jill, and then I'm going to marry me a nice juicy steak.
John Guess you never did visit that platoon psychiatrist I recommended.
Indiana Rat (JN) Yes, I did. He was delicious.
The rats laugh.
John All right, let's just take it easy, real easy, and I'll get you guys out of here in one piece.
Rizzo (gasp) Incoming! Wahh!
They all duck. A missile hits the foxhole. They get up, coughing.
John Everybody okay?
Rizzo Hey Sarge, take a look at Indiana.
John glances and screams. The rat is now in half.
Indiana Rat (JN) Sarge! You told me you was gonna get me home in one piece!
John (laughs) Boy, I was way off on that one, huh? (laughs) But don't worry. I'll get a message to that girl of yours, Jill.
Indiana Rat (JN) Oh, forget Jill. Get a message to that steak! Tell her I... I couldn't think of a steak joke.
John That's it, fellas. We're going over the top to cream that cheese!
Rizzo For Indiana?
John No! For that steak! I'm starved! Starved, I tells ya!
He throws a grenade, picks up his machine gun and charges.
Rizzo Whoo-hoo!
John Charge!
The rats follow him out of the foxhole.


Backstage

Nigel Nice work, rats. Okay, repo camera three for Incredible Discoveries. Yeah, go on, get 'em!
John and the rats come off the set, laughing and palling around.
John It was great working with you guys. You guys are great. I thought the cheese was a little off, but you guys keep in touch, ya hear me?
Andy and Randy show up, wearing t-shirts with John's image on it, reading "OUR MASTER".
Andy Mr. Goodman, it's us. We are here to help you and be your slaves.
Randy Yeah!
John Oh, no thanks, fellas. I'm beat. I just want to go back to my dressing room and do one thing-- relax.
Andy Ooh!
Randy Good! Then we can bathe you in precious oils.
Andy holds up bottles of WD-40 and corn oil.
Andy Yeah! We have "40-wd" and corn! Heheh!
John (exhales) Okay, I'll play along. If you guys want to help me, why don't you, uh... press my suit?
Randy Oh! Okay!
They start touching John, who quickly becomes annoyed.
Andy & Randy Press, press. Press. Press, press. Press, press. Yeah! Press, press. Press, press--
John Stop it. STOP IT!
Randy But you need our help.
Andy Yes. You keep forgetting things, like this. (holds up a grenade)
John Oh, no, you idiot! That's a live grenade!
Randy A what?
John A live grenade!
Andy A what?
John A live grenade--
BOOM! It explodes, leaving the pigs shaken and John on the ceiling.
John I'm, uh... not relaxing.

Incredible Discoveries

Open on a sign reading "Gonzo and Rizzo!"
A. Ligator And now it's time for Gonzo and Rizzo's...
Gonzo & Rizzo Incredible Discoveries!
Gonzo Ha ha! Hey there, and welcome to the show. I'm your host, the Great Gonzo. And this is my assistant...
Rizzo The reluctant Rizzo. (laughs)
Gonzo All set, Rizzo?
Rizzo Well, I'm still not quite exactly sure what we're gonna be doing, but ...
Gonzo Great! Tonight's first incredible discovery is, if you put your nose into an electric pencil sharpener... Steady, steady, steady. Steady there.
He shoves Rizzo's nose into the sharpener. Rizzo ends up with a pointier nose.
Rizzo It hurts. Ohh!
Gonzo How's that for an incredible discovery? But, if you want to see a really incredible discovery--
Rizzo And I'm not sure that I do.
Gonzo Then watch this. (picks up some eels) If you put live electric eels down your pants... (does so)
Rizzo It hurts?
Gonzo No. Actually, it feels pretty good.
Rizzo Yeah, until they short out your pocket change.
Smoke rises from Gonzo's pants.
Gonzo Hoo hoo! Then it hurts! (screams, hops on one foot)
Rizzo Well, another incredible discovery. (laughs) Yeah.
Gonzo And now for our final incredible discovery. If you try to play catch with a wrecking ball--
Rizzo Whoa --
Gonzo is hit by a wrecking ball.
Rizzo It hurts. (laughs)
The wrecking ball hits Rizzo. Switch to the nursing home.
Statler I've got an incredible discovery.
Waldorf Yeah, what's that?
Statler When you watch this show ...
Statler & Waldorf It hurts! (they chuckle)

Fairyland PD

Open on a sobbing Miss Muffet sitting outside a building. Bobo and Clifford apporach her.
A. Ligator And now, another episode from the files of Fairyland PD. Tonight: "Curds A-weigh".
Clifford You the lady being harassed by a spider?
Miss Muffet Yes. I'm Little Miss Muffet.
Bobo Uh huh. What happened, ma'am?
Miss Muffet Well, I was sitting here, enjoying a lovely bowl of curds and whey ...
Clifford Mm-hm.
Bobo Uh, uh -- curds and what?
Miss Muffet No, "whey".
Bobo Oh.
Clifford Okay, now some spider sat down beside you, and started coming on to you, right?
Miss Muffet Yes. Is there anything you can do about it?
Bobo Oh, don't worry, sister. We'll take care of it.
Clifford Mm-hm.
Bobo (sips coffee)
Moments later, Bobo is in disguise as Miss Muffet. He tastes the curds and whey, and is disgusted. Clifford holds a bat.
Bobo (gags, spits) I wouldn't even feed that stuff to my cat!
Clifford He's coming. (hides)
Bobo Huh? Oh!
Clifford Shh!
Bobo acts nonchalant. The spider lowers himself.
Spider Hey, how you doin', sweet stuff? (puckers up)
Bobo (falsetto) Are you talking to me?
Spider Whoa, this is a delicious bowl of curds and whey you got here. Mind if I have a taste? -- Whoa!
The spider quickly dodges Clifford, who whacks Bobo with his club.
Clifford Oops. Uh ...
Bobo You idiot ... you idiot ... (faints)
Clifford I'm sorry, man, I'm ...
Moments later...
Bobo You're hittin' me?
Clifford I know, hit the spot and don't hit you, okay.
Bobo Yeah!
Clifford It won't happen again. Just calm your nerves, okay? (hides)
Bobo Okay, here he comes --
Clifford Oh. Ahem.
The spider, also dressed as Miss Muffet, lowers himself.
Spider (grunts)
Bobo Uh -- Miss Muffet? Uh, what are you doing here?
Spider I, uh, just came back for some curds and whey.
Bobo Oh, here, take it. I dunno how you can eat that slop.
Spider Hmm, thanks. (rises up with the bowl)
Bobo Sure.
Clifford whacks Bobo again.
Clifford Oh -- Bobo. You okay? I did it again, didn't I?
Bobo Guhhh ... (faints)
Clifford Uh ... um ...
Moments later...
Spider Oh, curds and whey, come to papa!
He is cornered by Clifford and Bobo.
Bobo Alright, gotcha!
Spider No, no, no, no, fellas, please! You gotta give me a break!
Bobo Huh? Wha -- yeah, that's what they all say.
Clifford Yeah.
Spider No no no no! You don't understand! I got 3,000 kids! And my wife, she's a black widow -- if I don't bring home dinner, I am dinner!
Clifford Gee, spider, we didn't know.
Bobo Yeah, hey, uh, hey, you can go.
Spider Oh, thanks -- suckers! (rises up with the bowl)
Clifford But --
Bobo O, what a tangled web we weave, when first we --
Clifford Aw, shut up! (whacks Bobo)
A beat.
Bobo ... You know, I get the feeling that you kind of enjoy the-- (freezes, faints)


Backstage

Andy pampers John in the green room.
John Hey, you know, this scalp massage feels great. You guys are really helping me relax.
Andy Oh, good.
John Maybe I misjudged you guys.
Andy Well, we're sorry about blowing you up and driving your head into the main power lines. (continues)
John Oh! Oh. That's okay. It actually helped me clear my sinuses.
Andy Oh.
John Boy, that feels great. What kind of massage oil are you using?
Andy Oh, I'm not using oil. It's glue.
John (eyes widen) Glue?
Andy Well, yeah. That way, you never have to style your hair again.
John (yelps)
A knock on the door.
John What?
Randy I have your suit.
John Leave it outside, please.
Randy I can't. They don't allow smoking in the hall.
Randy enters with a smoking, iron-burned suit.
John Oh! Not my suit! (cries)
Randy Yes, it is your suit.
John Oh, just get out! Please! I need to relax! I need some air!
Randy Oh! We'll get you some air.
Andy Yeah, we can do that.
They look around and start panicking.
Andy Uh, hey! ... Hey! Randy, we are trapped! We cannot get out of here!
Randy Ohh! Ohh! John! John, we can't find the get-out thingy!
John It's called a door. A door! And it's right there!
Randy Oh!
Andy & Randy You saved our lives again! Thank you!
They start hugging him. He grabs his head and sits down.
John Get out! I don't want you as my slaves anymore!
Clifford Yo, yo, yo, John, what's going on?
John Clifford, you promised me this would be relaxing. I'm not relaxing! You promised me this would be fun. I'm not having fun. And-- (notices the glue in his hair) ... And I'm stuck.
He rips his hands off his head, yanking some of his hair out, and bawls.


The Lunarmooners

Applause as Clifford takes the main stage.
Clifford Yeah. Welcome back to Muppets Tonight. Uh, John Goodman is having a really bad hair day right now, and can't come out. So we're going to fill some time with a little blast from the past. The year was 1969, and everyone was loony over the moon landing. That's why we did a little TV pilot with a young John Goodman called The Lunarmooners. Let's watch, shall we?
The monitor is lowered. A B&W clip is shown.
John Alison... I'm home.
Miss Piggy Alf, shut the airlock. The atmosphere isn't free up here, you know.
John (shuts it) Don't you start with me, Alison. I had a tough day on the moon bus. The artificial gravity kept breaking down.
Miss Piggy Gee, Alf, I thought you were big enough to have your own gravitational pull.
John Ho ho ho -- one of these days, Alison, bang, zoom! Right to the earth!
Miss Piggy That would be my first trip since our honeymoon.
John Har-dee-har-har! Now if you don't mind, all I want to do is take off these moon boots and soak my aching asteroids.
Miss Piggy Fine! Fine! I have to go change. I'm going to go shopping with Dixie and Mrs. Moonicotti. Door.
He opens the door for her as she exits. John peers out the window.
John Newton! Newton, get down here right now!
Fozzie enters through the main door.
Fozzie Sure thing, Alfie.
A startled John screams, as does Fozzie. John closes the window.
John What are you trying to do, Newton, give me a heart attack?
Fozzie Take it easy, Alfie boy. Hey, I just came down to give you the tickets you wanted. You know, to the Space Cadets' Ball.
John Aw, that's great, Newton. You're the best pal a guy ever had. Alison's gonna be so surprised.
Fozzie Hey, sure, Alfie boy. I got 'em right here in my vest. Right here-arooni. A-root a-doot doot--
John JUST GIVE ME THE TICKETS!
Fozzie Here you go.
Miss Piggy Alf, is that Newton?
John Uh, why, no, dear. It's the, uh-- hummina hummina-- the delivery boy! Yeah, that's it.
Fozzie Th-that's right, Alison. I am not Newton. I'm only a delivery guy.
John (grabs him) Newton! Will you get out of here before she sees you?!
Fozzie Do I get a tip?
John GET OUT!
He throws Fozzie out the window and shuts it. Piggy enters.
John Out! Out! Get out!
Miss Piggy Alf, Alf, could you help zip me up?
John Why, shouldn't you be getting into your ball gown, my dear? After all, tonight, we will be dancing on the sea of tranquillity.
He reveals the tickets.
Miss Piggy (gasp) Oh! Tickets to the Space Cadets' Ball? Oh, Alf, you charmer!
John Baby... you're the greatest.
Kissville. Meanwhile, Fozzie floats outside. The closing music plays.
Fozzie Hey, Alf! Alfie boy! I just remembered-- I can't breathe! There's no air out here! Allllff...
Switch to the nursing home.
Statler Well, there you go. There's nothing like good comedy.
Waldorf Nothing like it on this show.
They chuckle.


Backstage

John ties a rope to the radiator, the other end going around his neck as he hangs out the window.
John Ha ha ha! Boy, this plan is brilliant. How'd I ever do so bad on my SATs? (feigning danger) Help! Help! Where are my slaves when I need them?
Andy and Randy enter.
Randy Uh, Mr. Goodman, we're coming in the room-entering thingy.
Andy Yes. We made falafel.
John Help, boys, help! I was, uh, cleaning my watch, when I slipped out the window. Oh, pull me back in and save me. Then we'll be even, and you won't have to help me anymore.
Randy Oh, no! Our master's in trouble!
Andy Let's throw him a life preserver.
They look around. Randy notices the radiator.
Randy Oh! How about this thing that makes our hands smoke and blister?
Andy Yeah!
John No, you idiots! Not the radiator!
They unmount the radiator, sending John falling out the window. Clifford enters.
Clifford Hey. Where's John? Oh, please tell me he's relaxing.
Andy Uh, he is, Clifford. He's relaxing in a truckload of mousetraps.
They all look out the window at John, as snaps are heard.
John Ow! Ow! Oh! Ow!
Andy And one bear trap.
A loud snap is heard.
John OWW! Clifford!!
In the control room, Nigel frantically prepares for the next scene. Kermit enters.
Nigel Number one!
Kermit Hey there, Nigel. How's it going, huh?
Nigel Uh, well, uh, John Goodman just fell out the window, Clifford is trying to get a bear trap off his head, the producer's cat just got away, and THERE'S NOBODY ONSTAGE TO INTRODUCE JOHNNY FIAMA! (hyperventilates)
Kermit Gee. Sounds like a slow night. I'll go out and introduce Johnny.
Nigel GOOD GOOD GOOD! GO GO GO GO GO!! (calms) Oh, excellent. Line up, camera two for a standard opening at the archway. Can somebody get me a chamomile tea?


Johnny Fiama / Carl

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you! Thank you very much. And now, Muppets Tonight is proud to present the oh-so-smooth stylings of Mr. Johnny Fiama! YAYYY!
Sal, dressed as a waiter, places a table and chairs behind Johnny, followed by a marble arch.
Johnny Thank you. Uh, you know, friends, with this being the year of the chick, in my mind, every day is valentine's day. And tonight we'd like to do something special, just for you. (sees the set) Well, now, what do you know? A table for two. How romantic. Yes. Uh, waiter. Waiter! Sal!
Sal Oh, oh, oh! (walks up to him) Yeah, Johnny? Oh! I mean, uh, customer?
Johnny Yes, thank you. Uh, would you be so kind as to choose a beautiful young lady from our audience to share a romantical, intimate dinner with me?
Sal I would be honored, waiter--I mean, Johnny. I mean--
Johnny All right, go.
Sal fetches a woman and shoves her onstage.
Sal Come on, you. You're coming onstage.
Clarissa I'd really rather not!
Sal You'll have fun!
Clarissa I don't even like his music.
Johnny Che bella! And-and what is your name, sweetheart?
Clarissa Clarissa.
Johnny May we seat you, Clarissa?
Clarissa No. Yes. I--
Sal (shoves her) Come right over here. Here's your chair waiting right here. Isn't this a beautiful place?
Johnny There you go. Waiter. Waiter. Sal! Sal!
Sal Yes, yes.
Johnny The menu. That's right.
Sal (hands it to him) Here you go.
Johnny Ah! Veal, the meat of love. How romantic. Uh, we'll both have that.
Sal Okay. (leaves)
Johnny Ray? (cue the pianist) This is for you. (starts singing "Close to You")
Clarissa I don't eat veal!
Johnny Excuse me?
Clarissa I don't approve of the way they raise it.
Johnny What raise? What are you talking about, "raise"?
Sal Ahh, she's just on the same kick my sister is. Come here. You're going to sit right here, and you're going to eat that veal!
Johnny (continues singing)
Clarissa (stands up) I'm not going to eat veal -- (punches Sal) -- and no monkey's going to make me! (exits)
Johnny Oh, nice work, Sal.
Sal Uh... Hey, Johnny, you know what? We don't need her. Look. Look. (sits at the table) How about I sit here and eat this veal, and you sing to me?
Johnny All right. (sings)
Rizzo and Clifford watch on the monitor.
Clifford Yo, Rizzo, get another act on, pronto. I'm going to go check on John Goodman in the infirmary. (exits)
Rizzo Alright, okay. Who's got a suggestion what we can put onstage here?
Bobo Oh, uh, Rizzo, Rizzo. Uh, I have this amazing memory act that I do.
Rizzo Really? I didn't know you did that.
Bobo Oh, sure, sure. I did it on that show, um... Oh, wait. Hmm, what's it called? Yeah, you know, with the guy with the green, uh, what-do-you-call-it?
Rizzo Uh-huh. Uh, you know what? Uh, let's cue Carl the big mean bagpipe eater.
Carl comes onstage with bagpipes.
Carl Hi, I'm Carl. And now I'll eat these bagpipes.
He devours them, and lets out a discordant belch.
Carl Thank you!

Closing number

A scrub checks on an injured John in the infirmary.
Scrub (BB) Ah, Mr. Goodman. You'll be right as rain as long as you get some rest, and uh, don't think about those two stupid you-know-whats.
Andy & Randy You mean us?
John screams as the "Psycho" music plays. He wakes up from a dream, still in bandages.
Clifford John, John, wake up, man. You're having a bad dream.
John Oh, man. It was horrible, Clifford. I dreamt I was doing the show, and I wound up in traction.
Clifford Well, as a matter of fact, you weren't dreaming. You are in traction. That's why I'm gonna go onstage and cancel your big number.
John No. No, wait, Clifford. I know I'm not 100%, but I think I can still do the number.
Clifford Now how you gonna do that?
John Like this.
Cue the music. John sings "Feelin' All Right" and is joined by Clifford, the scrub and a nurse. He gets out of bed and dons his "Blues Brothers" hat and sunglasses, and is joined by Andy and Randy, Rizzo, and other nurses and patients.
Clifford Yeah! Let's give a big round of applause to our guest star, Mr. John Goodman!
Applause.
John Clifford, thank you very much, and all things considered, this is one of the worst experiences I have ever had.
Clifford That's what all our guest stars say.
John At least you're consistent. Good night, everybody.
Clifford Good night! Hit it!
The song continues.

Epilogue

A stagehand prepares the Roseanne set. John relaxes on the couch.
Stagehand (JN) Hey, Mr. Goodman. Welcome to the show.
John "John". "John". (chuckles) Yeah, it's great to be back on Roseanne. Those Muppets drove me crazy. Would someone get me a coffee, please?!
Andy We'll get it for you, master.
Randy Yeah. We work on this show now.
Andy Mm-hmm.
John screams. Andy and Randy scream. The credits roll.